Comedy of the Week - Live from the UK: Live Comedy Day

Episode Date: April 6, 2026

It's the first every Live Comedy Day, and Live From the UK brings a special, extended episode to the Radio 4 listener.Angela Barnes is back at the comedy club where she did her first ever gig, the Brighton Komedia. She did a comedy course with comedy guru Jill Edwards, so catches up with her to chat about starting out, and grassroots comedy.We also tour to all 4 nations of the UK, bringing you insights on a night tour of Edinburgh Zoo, useless stuff you learn in school, nans playing rugby and the dystopian world of fast food restaurants.Throughout the show, some of the UK's best loved comedians will also pop up to tell you about their first ever gig.In this episode, you can hear;Christopher Macarthur-Boyd at the Monkey Barrel in Edinburgh Emer Maguire at the Empire Music Hall, Belfast Carwyn Blayney at the Swansea Grand Seann Walsh at Komedia BrightonAdditional Material by Ruth HuskoRecorded by David Thomas, Sean Kerwin and Davy Neil Sound design by David Thomas Production Coordinator: Jodie Charman Executive Producer: Pete StraussProduced by Gwyn Rhys Davies. A BBC Studios Audio Production for Radio 4.

Live from the UK, I'm Angela Barnes, and I'm travelling all around the country to bring you the best stand-ups from cities across the land. This is a special episode for the first ever live comedy day, which Radio 4 are supporting. It's a celebration of stand-up, and there are events happening in comedy clubs up and down the country. But live from the UK is bringing the comedy clubs to you. Across the series, you'll hear acts from Swansea, Edinburgh, Belfast and Liverpool. But tonight we start at the Comedia in Brighton. particularly is really special to me because this stage in this room is where

I did my first ever stand-up comedy gig. So it means a lot to me to be coming back here because we're doing a special episode of this series for Live Comedy Day and we'll tell you a little bit more about that later. But that's why we've come to comedian today and I was thinking about how far I've come

since that day I first nearly shat myself on this stage all those years ago in 2009 and I've done some mad stuff since then. I've done some really... Possibly the maddest gig I've ever done. It was about 10, 12 years ago now. I got asked to do the after-dinner

at the Duke of Edinburgh's Polo Club in what can only be described as a spectacular piece of miss booking. I can only imagine that at the same time, Sir Stephen Redgrave was getting booed off stage at the funny bucket in Croydon. It was black tie this event as well, black tie. I don't even really still know what that means black tide.

In my family, it just means you've got a court appearance in the morning. I don't, because I'm a working class girl. Like I said, and there's a way you can tell, by the way, if someone's working class, what you do is you compliment something they're wearing and a working class person will respond instantly every time in the price of where they got it. That's how you know. That's a nice top Angela, tenor, Georgia, Astor. Right? Now, it turns out posh people aren't doing that, you know? So I had to buy a new dress to wear it this thing,

and I can't do... Like, you could dress me head to toe in Chanel. I'm still going to look like I've run naked through Matalan covered in glue. Like, I'm trying to... Do it? I've got to do the after-dinner at the Duke of Edinburgh's Polo. What am I going to wear? So I went and bought a new dress for it, right?

75 quid, Debenhams. Which at this day, apart from my wedding dress, is the most I've ever spent on an item of clothing. And I thought I looked all right in it. I really did. I got to the polo club and then it very quickly became apparent that 75 quid debonams

is not going to cut it in a polo club. It was just full of these beautiful women in these beautiful gowns and they were all asking each other the same question, right? A question I'd never heard before in this context. They were all asking each other, who are you wearing?

Who am I wearing? I'm not Hannibal Lecter. What are you talking about? I did the gig, it went what can only be described as fine. They weren't nice like you, they weren't. They were entitled assholes, is what they were. And I just wanted to get out of there and get home. I felt so out of place and unwelcome.

And as I was leaving, right, I was just walking out the door. This woman from the polo club, she stopped me in the doorway. Easily the most posh woman I've ever met in my life. One of those people so posh, it looked like it caused her physical pain to speak. You know, one of the... Stopped in the doorway. She said, Angela, she said, I knew when I saw you arrive earlier that you must be the entertainment.

She said, I knew you could have been married to a polo player, not with that hair. I said, that's funny, love. I knew you were married to a polo player because you look like an actual horse. So I'm here at the Comedia, where, as you'll know, I did my first ever gig, and the person responsible for getting me on that stage,

And she'll tell you, I nearly didn't get on that stage. But I did in the end. She joins me now. It's the brilliant Jill Edwards, who runs a comedy course down here in Brighton. Hello, Jill. Oh, hi, Angela. It's so good to be back in this dressing room again, isn't it? I know, it's like the last 16 years haven't happened.

So it's all your fault, Jill. That's what we'll say. I'm so proud that it's all my fault. I really am. When that happened all that time ago, the thought that we'd be sitting in like 17 years later, I'm recording for Radio 4 and you'd be a big star. Just like that makes me so happy.

Oh, that's so you are my comedy mum. That's what I say. Even though I should point out, Julie's not that much old. It's definitely not old enough to be my comedy mum. But spiritually, you're my comedy mum. Okay, I'll take that. That's fine, yeah.

So I get asked quite often, why did you do a stand-up comedy course? Why didn't you just go and start doing stand-up? So tell us a little bit about the comedy course, how it works and what it can give people. Well, I think it's kind of just an easier way to get started. If it's for you, I mean, you don't, it doesn't matter how you,

get started. If you want to do it, just get started. But the nice thing about a course is you can learn the techniques a bit more. You can learn how to do the writing and try that out and try and find your voice, your authentic voice. And you meet lots of brilliant people. So it's much easier to start gigging with a crew of people and you get some experience. You have my advice for the rest of your life if you want. Absolutely. And I still tap you up for that, don't know, don't know, don't you? Yeah. And it's someone who knew right at the start who knows you well and is happy to us give advice. So it just creates a nice sort of safe harbour where you can try stuff out, find your way, dip a toe.

Maybe you don't know if it's for you or not, but maybe this is a nicer way to find out. Just more, it's fun as well. It's just friendly and fun and sociable. You now join me at the Monkey Beryl Comedy Club in Edinburgh. I think you're ready for your first actor of the evening. What do you think? Wild and crazy, stab your feet, clap your hands,

woup and cheer, and welcome to the stage. Christopher McArthur, boy! Hello Edinburgh. Nice to be here. It's, I mean that. It's nice to be in Edinburgh, which means a lot, because I'm from Glasgow.

Okay. I feel like Glasgow and Edinburgh, I feel like there are kind of easy, comedy cliches about these places. Everybody says, oh, Glasgow's dead rough and Edinburgh's dead fancy, but we all know it's not quite as simple as that. Glasgow has very love.

salubrious, wealthy areas and Edinburgh has places that are devastating. But we understand why people feel this way. It's because the middle of Glasgow is terrifying. You know, you get off Queen Street or Central Station, you go outside.

Glasgow's like a nuclear bomb's being dropped. The middle is complete devastation. But then you go to the outer limits of the blast radius. and you're like, oh, I can see how this can support life. Edinburgh is the exact opposite. Edinburgh, you get out to Waverly. Edinburgh's like a tornado.

You get out of Waverly, you look around, all the beautiful buildings and monuments, you go, wow, I'm safe. No, you're not. You're in the eye of the hurricane, my friend. The middle bit's nice. You've been at the outer bits of it. Jesus Christ.

Like, Gorgie! Ah! West of Hales. It has hails in the name. I, uh, but yeah, I like you through here. I had a big breakup last year. It's okay, I've got a new girlfriend.

But I have a big breakup. last year and I feel like I just wasn't taking on good enough anniversary trips. All my friends were taking their girlfriends places like Milan and Tokyo. I took my ex-girlfriend right after lockdown and COVID and all that type of stuff. I took my ex-girlfriend on an anniversary trip

to Edinburgh Zoo. We got the Mecca Bus from Glasgow. We didn't make it to New. Edinburgh bus station. Went to the zoo, back on the bus, back to Glasgow. In fairness to me, it was not a normal ticket that you can buy for Edinburgh. It was a special ticket.

It's called Edinburgh Zoo after dark. It was a night time zoo zoo experience. And it wasn't good. I don't know about you. My favourite part of the zoo. It's when you can see the animals. I love seeing the animals.

I hate it when you can't see them. I couldn't see a single animal. They were all asleep. And unlit. I could smell them. It's not really the sense you want to use to experience a penguin parade, is it? The nasal nightmare.

Another trip we went on was the year after that, I was like, right, I need to make this one count. Ended up being the last one. But I wanted to take her somewhere. I thought, you know what, we're going to go to a rural holiday. Get out the central belt. You know, like, I just want a rural holiday. I just want to get away from it all.

And then you get out there and you're like, I miss all of it. Went out to Rurro Dumfreesia. And the borders where Scotland becomes. England. A deeply cursed zone. And we got a pod cabin, which is a kind of middle-class term for shed. Yeah. Somebody who's podded themselves. We got down there and honestly I couldn't get any Wi-Fi in my phone. I was so bored.

Managed to get a crumb of Wi-Fi from a passing megabus, right? And I got it and I looked up, I was so pretty, I was so bad. I looked up the top ten things to do in rural Dumfresia. Number one, the wild goat park. If you've never been, it's a park full of wild goats. And we drove 45 minutes in the rain out to the wild goat park. Well, she drove. I can't drive. And we got to the place.

And honestly, it was in Brazil all over again. Couldn't see a single goat. But the same. that explained the goats while stay with me for the rest of my life. It said that wild goats during mating season, they pee into their own mouths.

Yeah, but they don't drink it. They gargle it. Like it's corsadil. Or whatever brand is available. They gargled their own urine, right? But they don't spit it out. They let it dribble out their wee goat lips into their belly goats gruff beer.

and this is to attract her mate. I was reading this sign going, I bet if the goats knew the sign said that, they'd be like, that was just one guy. We don't all do that. I've been Chris McCart of Boyd. You's been lovely. I'll see you later. Cheers. As it's live comedy day,

I wanted to find out if everyone else was as nervous as me when they started out. So I've just asked some of our brilliant headliners from the series and some comedy legends about their first time on stage. I'm the comedian Stuart Lee. I'm pretty sure my first bit of solo comedy that I ever wrote and did was at school where there was a charity show

and I wrote a routine about a man who was addressing a chair and you thought he was telling an imaginary person in the chair that they were splitting up. But it gradually became clear that his relationship with the chair had not worked due to the chair being a chair and him being a human being. In fact, it sounds a lot better than a lot of things I'm writing now so I might have to go and dig it out. I'm Joe Corfield and my first gig was at a comedy cafe in Rivington Street in London.

It was quite a rough club at that time. I had a bad reputation for the audience being really drunk and loud. And in order to get on stage, I had three beers, which I've never done since. But for the first gig, that was definitely the way to go for me. And I must have been the best of a very bad bunch because I won the open night and I've got 25 pounds. And then they said you can come back next week and do five minutes. and I thought you had to do a different five minutes. So I came back the next week with different five minutes,

died on my house. Hello, I'm Phil Ellis, and my first ever gig was at Starbush Town Hall in 2005-ish. I didn't know you got into comedy, so I just grabbed a Time Out magazine from my local tourist information centre and rang every venue that had a listing like Billy Connolly live. I'd ring them up and go,

Hi, I hear you do comedy, can I have a gig? and then they'd say no, and I'd just go down the list. And eventually Starbridge Town Hall said, you can do a gig, but it's caught an open spot, and there's a comedy night on, you can come on and do 10 minutes in the middle. And I did that, and the rest is history. Hi, I'm Neil Delamere,

and my first ever comedy gig was indie comedy seller in Dublin. Many years ago, brilliant place to start, though. Small room, no mic. Couldn't ask for anything better. Hello, I'm Susie Ruffel, and my first gig, was at the Lions Den. I would guess there was about 11 people in the audience.

I don't really remember that much about it, but it must have gone well enough for me to keep going. Yeah, I can't even remember what I said, but I maybe got a handful of laughs, and then I called the bug. That was it. My life became stand-up. I am Andy Zaltzman. My first proper gig was at the Edinburgh Festival in 1997.

I did an open mic slot in Teviot, started at about 1am, as I recall, I was the last on the bill and the sound of the audience whilst I was on stage remains the purest silence I've ever heard in my life nothing will ever match it

had a certain ethereal beauty to it onwards and upwards and upwards. Hello, I'm Deyland O'Don and my first gig was in Belfast in Vond of about five people I remember my set was seven minutes about things I've learnt since I've turned 30

because I just turned 30 before I did my first gig And that I think was like pretending that stains on my clothes That I would pretend on the spot Like I just noticed it even though I knew it was there the whole day But refused to change the life because like the rivet and stuff Rivet and stuff It's a wonder why I kept going to be honest Hello, I'm Shaw Walsh

And my first gig actually remember the day It was on November 24th, 2006 I was so nervous I couldn't say a word all day I lived at home at the time I remember my mum said bye I couldn't even find the courage to say buy back. And my opening line, I think I said, I'm Sean. I look how I feel.

And that got a big laugh because I always looked kind of hung over, even at 20. And I look pretty rough. And I got a laugh. And then I said, there are advantages to looking the way I do. Nobody ever asks me for help. And that's true. No one comes to me for help. It would be a disaster.

So it was true then, and it's still true now. Yeah, it was a very special day in my life. I remember it fondly. Hello, I'm Amanda Yucci, and I remember my first stand-up gig was I was 12. And it was a fundraiser for an old folks home around the corner from our school. And I compared it during series of impressions, including the Prime Minister Harold Wilson and the TV presenter, Huey Green. I'm not going to do it now.

You now join me at the Empire Music Hall in Belfast. Belfast, I do like, like I genuinely, I hope you feel that. my love for you is genuine. I really, it really is. I love coming here. Do you know what? It wasn't my choice to be English. I didn't want it. You know, I want to be you. That's what I want. It's a weird time as well in England at the moment. The rise, because it feels like, it feels like Belfast is way more progressive than we are. And I'm at way more, so many more, like the rise of English nationalism. I never thought I would come to Belfast to get away from the flags. That's coming.

Keep the clapping and cheering going. I'm welcome to the stage your second act. Really lovely to be here. If you don't know me, just a bit of a disclaimer before we begin. I actually have a diagnosis of autism. So if you heckle me, it is considered a hate crime,

so probably don't. Those of you with a very keen eye amongst you will notice that I am, as my mother says, you know, a homosexual. So I just think it's amazing being here tonight, you know, autistic, gay, Irish. Can you imagine the grant that Radio 4 are getting for having me? People say to me, are you nervous on stage?

You know, your wee problem, you're a wee disability, are you nervous on stage? And I'm like, I'm nervous off stage, I'm nervous being alive. I'm nervous all of the time. And part of that for me comes with being autistic. and another thing that comes with it is being extremely literal. So because I'm so literal, I've always had real problems,

understanding idioms, weird sayings that people say. Like, if you're an autistic kid, someone says, pull your socks up, you think they mean literally pull your socks up. So I really struggled my whole life, okay? The first time I heard killed two birds with one stone, right? See, from a moral point of view?

I was horrified, but see, logistically, I thought, I thought, that's incredible. Not just... Not just to hit both birds, not just maim them, but kill them both with the one stone. I thought that's talent. That is incredible.

I couldn't even repeat what I thought to beat around the bush meant. Do you know what I mean? I took that one very literally indeed, you know? Last week I heard a new one. My straight friend said one to me had never heard before. she said to me, "'Uk, you know, it's as broad as it's long

"'and I said, Jesus Christ, I hope it's not. "'It doesn't sound very enjoyable. "'So I thought whenever I would go to school, "'all the things I found difficult "'because of autism, I thought, you know, "'they'll help me with that. "'They'll teach me how to navigate life, "'but they didn't, right?

"'Instead they just taught us "'the biggest load of useless shit, right? "'And I decided to write a song about it. "'Now, the main reason I wrote this is because my mom's a teacher, so it was to passive aggressively get her attention. But this is useless shit they teach us in school. I can play three blind my son recorder. I can list all the planets in order.

I can say, ooh, a bibliotech, which means where's the library in French? And I can do joined up writing, even though we have devices for typing was taught. When not for drugs, I should say no one, how to make a paper mesh a volcano. But can I do my taxes? No, I can't. I learned long division, because my teacher made the decision that I'd never walk around with a calculator.

But hey, with computers in our pockets every minute of the day, we did the odd-sponsored silence because that's how you raise money for hunger and violence. We learned mitochondria is the power house of the cell. I swear that is the phrase they'll use in hell. I thinker. He makes me sick the sum of the squares of the shorter size of the triangle equal

That guy's a delightful genius lovely And we were told I comes B4E Except if I is after C But wake up kids because that's a lie Made up by some random guy We've got protein four in weight and vain Sovereign leisure season feign In all these words the E comes first

Which means what we learned is reversed We've got either neither slight and hike They don't follow our E-I-C rule, right I swear they just make this shit up To pass the time till three o'clock And the weirdest word that breaks this rule is weird And then there was sex education Which was ironically short in duration

As of something That was for the strip, people, let me do that again. Then there was sex education, which was ironically short in duration. As we learned, babies came from prayer, and girl should always exercise reasonable care to never seem too attractive, because the boys can't help that their minds are active. So wear long skirts and high-necked clothes, I don't want to see your ankles or your sexy elbows. And we learn the best way to have safe sex is not to have it at all. I'm Emma McGuire. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Thank you, Belfast and thank you, Emma Maguire. You now join me at the Grand Theatre in Swansea. What, Swansea? I found out something about you lot today that has blown my mind. You are dark horses. Because if you had given me, I don't know, let's say a month, to say which city in the UK celebrated Bojolet Nouveau? I still would not have got to Swansea

I'll be honest with you Who knew Who knew it was such a big thing And I said So the taxi driver in the car I said so what happens then Bojale Nouveau day He said everyone gets suited and booted

And goes to Weatherspoons To be honest Swansy Give me a cheer If on Bojolet Nouveau day You drink Bojolet Nouveau Not one Not one person It's still cider and alco pops, isn't it?

I love... Because I'm not a... I'm not much of a drinker if I'm... I'm nearly 50, I can't do it anymore because the hangover's now a... Those of you under 40, you think you've had a hangover, but you haven't. You haven't.

It's not a hangover if it's gone with a Kit Kat and a shit. It's not. Swansea, are you ready for your next act? You know the score, you know what to do, and welcome to the stage. Carwin! Lovely to be here in Swansea. Lovely in the big.

city. Very exciting. I'm not from around here. Anyone else from Keradigion? Yeah, just in the corner. I knew I could smell something. Lovely to have you in. It's really nice. I grew up in rural Caradigion, a dangerously rural part of the world. At the time though I didn't realize just how rural my school was, right? Until I remembered that a group of boys got banned from our school toilets because they were in there selling potatoes. I I doubt that ever happened here in Swansea, did it? You're selling much more hardcore things here.

Swedes, probably. I loved it though, but you've got to be careful in the Welsh countryside one step out of line and you can end up with a nickname for life. Like a girl on my street wore Tracksu Bottoms to the church once. And she is still known to everyone as Jehovah's Fitness. Even her kids don't know her real name.

It's absolutely well. brutal. I'm in that daunting category now. I'm in my late twenties now. Because I'm 32. Which is very late. 32's a weird sort of in-between age, though. You know, like some people at 32 might have

a house and kids and their own Netflix login. A man can dream. And then some people at 32, just plucking an example completely at random here. Might have recently had to use Fairy Liquid when they ran out of

shower gel. I mean, we all move at different paces, though, don't we? But turning 30, he'll hit some harder than others. Like, my mate did that classic thing. He turned 30 and started rock climbing. It's a classic move that, but fair play. He's at instant results.

He's really gained strength in his forearms and really lost a lot of friends. I don't do very well with change either. Like in rugby, they're constantly updating the rules to try and make it a safer sport. And the latest thing is that you must now tackle the player from below the height of the nipple. That's what they go off now.

Anything above the nipple, that is now deemed a high tackle. So now the hardest person on our team to tackle is my nan. It's incredible. It's really given her a second wind. She's going to retire a few years back, but now she's unstoppable. I'm very jealous of her. I'm really glad I grew up before the internet, though, and before social media. I'm glad I grew up at a time when I could play out.

I wasn't indoors rotting my brain online. I was outside, peeing on electric fences. So much more wholesome. But I hate social media. I hate my phone. My phone's got this sick, twisted sense of humor. A few months back, I went through a breakup. And I should have moved on by now, but I can't.

And it's because every so often, just as I'm starting to think that I'm finally ready to move on with my life, my life. My phone, without prompting, will decide to make me a montage out of lovely photos of me and my axe. Do your phones do wild montages like these? Hopefully not of me and my ex. Maybe it does. The most painful thing about it, though, is it'll insist on giving these montages names. And they're always brutal names. The other day, I woke up to a montage on my phone called Made for Eighty. each other.

How the hell am I supposed to move on with my life when my phone is acting like a child of divorce? My ex, she was American. Actually, in many ways, she still is. It did mean there was a bit of a language barrier between us, because you know the Americans, they use different words for things that we have here. Like foods, in America, coriander is cilantro. And rocket, does anybody here know what the Americans will call rocket? Oh yes, a few of you, you've been revising.

Yeah, it's arugula. You know that before? Arugula. Arugula. Arugula. That's not a word. That sounds like someone from Kent trying to say a Welsh town name. Gorgeous little holiday cottage in Arugula.

Beautiful part of the world. I hope to retire there someday with my wife's cilantro. But we had such different backgrounds of. I mean, like she grew up in Chicago. I grew up in an area where people still pointed aeroplanes. Our references were so different. Like, we were in Aberystwyth, and I explained to her that this is where Taron Edgerton grew up.

And she goes, who the hell is that? I was like, Hollywood actor, Taron Edgerton. He's a Golden Globe winner. Tipped to potentially be a James Bond someday. She goes, well, what's he been in? I was like, what's he been in? He played the part of Elton John. in the hit movie

a roogelaman Thank you so much for having me thank you very much for having me thank you very much I'm back backstage at the Comedia in Brighton with comedy tutor Jill Edwards what you do is so incredible because you do get people onto stage

telling jokes and that is a scary bit I can remember standing right behind this curtain here at Comedy where we are now and I'm waiting for the compere to call me on for that very first gig and just thinking I could just walk out. I could just turn around and leave and that would be the end of this silly little idea I've had. But you were there to make sure people didn't do that and to sort of gently go,

no, this way, come on. Stages this way. Because I know now, thank goodness you did, that live comedy is just the biggest buzz in the world. Whether you're watching it or whether you're doing it. Absolutely both. And by live, I mean, grassroots comedy club getting up in front of small rooms of people. Because as a comedian, the responsibility for that is you're their night out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, you don't want to ruin their night out. But from the audience point of view, what a special thing.

It's nothing better. There's nothing. If you have never been to live comedy, for goodness sake, get down to your club, your local club, that live grassroots comedy, you are missing out on something unbelievable. If you've not been to see comedy live, just go and find it. with little room above a pub, some dreadful corner of some awful place. Go. Go.

Exactly. Oh my goodness. Some of the gigs I've done, you're just having some terrible PTSD flashbacks there. And of course, today is Live Comedy Day. So if you want more information about that, find your local clubs. See what's going on around the country. Go to Livecomedyday.com.com.com.com. Yay.

Brighton, are you ready for your headliner? Please welcome Sean Walsh. Thank you very much. Thank you. It's nice to be here in my hometown. Did my first ever gig in this very room 20 years ago. Yes, at the age of 20. I was 20.

And I thought I would start today with one of the things I said in that first ever set 20 years ago, talking about how liberal Brighton is. And this was confirmed when I was on the bus here in Brighton and on a poster on the inside of the bus, it said, don't have a valid ticket. Fine. What a liberating city we are.

So it's fantastic to be here. And of course, you know, well done for coming out. It's a fantastic thing to come out, experience live comedy, just something to do that stops you from looking at your phone. Because we are all addicted to the phone. Already, and I'm ashamed to admit this, it feels like this is the longest

that I haven't checked my phone today. And I drove here. I'm so addicted to my phone. I get anxious when it's low on battery. I don't know if you had this. I was staying in a hotel the other night, and I went to charge my phone. It turned out there was no plug socket

next to the bed. Yeah, I had to sleep on the desk. Lying there with a menu digging into my hip, Sean, go to sleep. I can't, I need to see what the cast of Saved by the Bell look like now. This technology, you know, it's meant to be improving our lives. I think it's making it worse.

I really do. I've been around long enough. now to have that opinion. I was in McDonald's the other day and I don't like what they've done with the place. It's not just McDonald's. They're all going along with this, Starbucks, Costa, you go in the touch screen machine. I was in McDonald's. They're trying to get rid of the stuff. I never thought I'd say this. I missed the queue. You joined the back of the queue, you waited until you got to the front, you ordered of food, they got your food, you paid, you left, the system worked.

You've been into McDonald's the last few years? It's like walking around Heathrow Airport. The touchscreen machine. That's a good idea, isn't it? And a fast food restaurant, a touchscreen machine. Thousands of people touching the same machine with their hands before they eat with their hands after a global pandemic. How did it spread?

You might as well just walk in, stick your fingers up the manager's ass. I'll have Big Mac, please. Thank you very much. Mmm, oh, lovely. Oh, gurking, ugh, ugh. They had these at train stations, these machines. I went from London to Brighton a few weeks back. I was at the machine. It says which station, Brighton, B, B, nothing.

B, B, B, B, B, B, B. B. B, B, B, B, B. Would you like to go to? I want to order my food. I want to leave. I don't know about you, I get the same meal every time. Large Big Mac meal, six chicken nuggets, bottle of water to convince myself I'm healthy.

Every time I order my food, get to order my food. There are options, I'm not kidding, there are options for sides. In McDonald's. Would you like fries? Or, why don't you have a wild stab in the dark of which one I'm going to go for? I think I knew when I entered the building that today wasn't a carrot day.

Anyone seen anyone leaving McDonald's with carrots? I said, going, you're not bad, Mrs was cooking your shepherd's pie. She ran out of carrot. She said quickly, pop to McDonald's. I just want to pay, I want to leave. You call all these different options for prices. Here's a question I never thought I'd see in my life.

Would you like to round up? Would I like for this to be more expensive than it already is? And they put a little image up there and they say, it's for charity. Is it? I think we all do the same thing at this point. Quick look round.

Make sure no one's looking. Not today. I love that phrasing as well, not today. I'm going to level with you, McDonald's. Probably not tomorrow either. Just give me my ticket and let me leave. The ticket comes out. It's number 16.

You're lucky if you get your ticket. Most of the time, the machine just goes, I don't know, good luck. Even with the ticket in my hand, I've never felt less certain of anything in my life than that number I have in the palm of my hand. I'm there like that number 16. Right.

I think number 16. 16. 16. Then a deliver-roo driver storms in, like some sort of power ranger. Where's he come from? Why has he got first dibs? That guy's ordered that at home. I'm here.

I've done the groundwork No one wants this system We don't want it The staff don't want it at these places I feel sorry for the staff They used to just kind of turn round Grab some fries Shout next

They were happy You seen these poor people now McDonald's bingo Nogne Desperate when they start holding up the bag McDonald's because we're desperate Who's ordered their McDonald's and then be nonchalant about whether it turns up or not.

I love that, I love that, I'll go for a stroll, see if I fancy it on the way back. Meanwhile, I'm still there, number 16, number 6d, number 6th, my number disappeared. You ever had that? It's preparing, then it's gone. What are they done? Eating it? Where's my food? I now go back to the counter. I'm at the counter. This is the thing they were trying to stop with the machines.

I'm now at the counter. And when you get to 40, it starts to look like if you end up at the counter, it's because you don't know how the new technology works. It's embarrassing that, hi, hi, excuse me, hi, yeah, been here four years. Getting the staff's attention. Hello, excuse me, hi, yeah, four years. I feel like Tom Hanks in the terminal.

I've moved in or something. Please, I'm starving. There's my ticket, number 16. Let me leave. He took my ticket. He turned it round. 91. Sean Walsh, thank you very much.

Take care. Good night, thank you. Thanks to all our guests. Thanks to all our audiences across the country. I've been Angela Barnes. Goodbye. Live from the UK was hosted by me, Angela Barnes, and featured Christopher MacArthur Boyd, Emma McGuire, Karen Blaney, and Sean Walsh.

Additional material by Ruth Husko. The producer was Gwyn Rhys Davies, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hello, it's Angela Barnes here, and if you enjoyed that episode of Live from the UK, there are lots more available to listen to. Just search Stand Up specials on BBC Sounds. Hey, I'm Slim.

When I was at school, my report card said, He's clever, but not applying himself. Little did my teachers know. This kid from South London would go from driving a bus in Brixton to becoming the first black British comedian to sell out the London Palladium. So when my daughter asks me about my life... You know, what was it like?

I realised I've had a hell of a ride. So I'm going to tell my story through every decade from where I feel at home. On the comedy stage. Yeah, man, Slim's Guide to Life. Listen to the whole series now on BBC Sounds.