Comedy of the Week - Michael Spicer: No Room

Episode Date: May 5, 2025

The standout satirist of the social media age, Michael Spicer, returns with his sketch comedy show that targets the exponential lunacy of the politics and culture that is overwhelming us.Apprentice hopefuls are challenged to create the perfect, sustainable planet. Can the boys' team rise to the challenge, or will they be fired directly into a supernova? And our government troubleshooters - all called Tim - solve the immigration crisis once and for all.The new series of No Room comes after a critically acclaimed first series that built on MICHAEL Spicer's social media output, which took off when he created his Room Next Door government advisor character. His withering takedowns of politicians have amassed more than 100 million views and helped keep his audience sane in fractured times.Writer, Performer and Co-Editor: Michael SpicerComposer and Sound Designer: Augustin BousfieldProducer: Matt TillerA Tillervision production for BBC Radio 4

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts Hi Zoe, big fan, could you say that for me? I'm Michael Spicer and this is No Room. What does this mean? Great, thank you. Sorry, who are you? Thanks, big fan, big fan. Sorry, who are you. Sorry, who are you? Thanks. Big fan. Big fan. Sorry, who are you?

Sorry, who are you? No ring. No ring. No ring. No ring. What do we want? Less rude pedants. When do we...

It's fewer, you stupid bastard. What do we want? Less rude peasants! When do we... It's fewer you stupid bastard. Can you send in the candidates now please? Yes God-King of the Universe Lord Sugar. God King of the Universe Lord Sugar will see you in the boardroom now. Good morning everyone and welcome to my boardroom. Right, let's get on with this week's task. Boys team, I want you to build me a planet in the spiral galaxy known as the Milky Way.

And this planet has got to have everything. Oceans, islands, peninsulas, mountains, valleys, birds, fish, reptiles, as much as you can put on it. I want to give the customer value for money, okay? It's got to be ecologically sound, clean and with a stable climate. And by the end of this task, I want to see significant evolutionary progress by at least a Cretaceous period. Is that clear? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, research on me like the girls team, you would know that I can't bear interstellar objects of planetary mass which are not gravitationally bound to a star or a brown dwarf. Yes. I find them bloody annoying if I'm going to be honest with you. Yes of course.

Sorry God King of the Universe Lord shouldn't have. Right, go on then, get out. Get to work. Free floating planet? He thinks I'm a mug this bloke, doesn't he? He thinks I'm a mug this bloke, didn't he? He thinks I'm a mug! Race, who wants to be project manager for this one? Well, I've got a bit of experience designing comets.

Well, I've collapsed a star and produced a rotating black hole, but that was about 8 billion years ago. Well, I've spent the last three years as a digital marketing manager for a water sports and aquapark facility I don't know if that helps or well do you want to do it or yeah sure I'll do it I don't mind whatever Yes, yes, yes. Okay, everyone, thanks for coming to this meeting. As you know, the government is still having a torrid time trying to cap illegal immigration, as well as win the ideological battle.

What's the ideological battle, Tim? Pretending that they're not having a torrid time trying to cap illegal immigration. So, they've asked us to come up with some solutions. Now, does anybody have any sensible ideas with regards to the problem of illegal immigrants? Well, Tim, I found some interesting data from over 10 years ago that said the Conservative government produced an advertising campaign

aimed directly at illegal immigrants. Was it a success? Well, according to the data, the Home Secretary in charge of the campaign, Theresa May, was later promoted to Prime Minister. Oh my goodness, then it must have been a success. Well, according to the data, the Home Secretary in charge of the campaign, Theresa May, was later promoted to Prime Minister. Oh my goodness, then it must have been a success. Yes, a YouGov poll found that 55% of British adults supported the scheme.

Well, that's super. What was it? Well, advertising vans with slogans saying, go home or face arrest, were sent to areas with high immigrant populations. Right. Now, this may be a tad unethical, but I'm suggesting we simply recycle this idea. I mean, no one will have remembered it.

Okay, well, let's kick the football about a bit. Anyone have any objections to Tim's idea? Yes, Tim. Yeah, I don't know, Tim. Go home or face arrest? I mean, it feels like it could be confused for racist rhetoric. It's not racist, Tim.

It's just stern, that's all. Look, I'm not against the vans per se. I think the idea of rude transportation is a good one. I just think we should turn down the volume of the dog whistle. What do you think, Tim? Well, it would make a change from turning it up. Good point.

So what do we suggest should be written on the sides of the vans instead? Um... Hi, before you skip this ad, let me tell you something about my company, Flock's Jam, Um... Um... Pfft... to pull up multiple scrum gates every time you've got a mackerel upload. No more firebots, no more penguin ghosts, Flock's Jam is your solution to a more streamlined, data-compressed pop goblin. But don't just take my word for it, listen to this customer. Before Flock's Jam I was just connecting my peach system with my snuff bishop hub and wasting hours of my working day exporting various non-noms to different badger sets, but now with Flock's Jam I can just Jefferson those E-poppers in a single afternoon.

Sign up with Flock's Jam today for a week-long trial and get a free spatchcock letter box off your next belt buckle cornflakes shoe. ["The Last Supper"] Erm... erm... erm... Pfft... erm... Oh, I know! What about living here illegally, not on your Nelly? Er, okay Tim, what's your thinking behind that? Well, it's resolute, but it's also upbeat and positive. Hmm, I like it.

I'm not sure about not on your Nelly. Would everyone understand that? I mean, I'm not sure even I understand that. Well that would be the point, Tim. Not on your Nelly is a quintessentially British phrase because it's confusing and stupid. Therefore, it will do two things. Attract right-wingers who will enthusiastically

champion anything British, even if it's just dead phrases that no one says anymore, and it will force immigrants to question their loyalty to Britain. How? Well, if you've moved to a country and you don't know all of its silly redundant idioms, are you truly part of that country's culture? There'll be a wave of immigrant soul-searching which will inevitably lead to swathes of them going back home. Yeah, that's true.

Well, it's worth a try, isn't it? Let's make a note of it. Now, what about the design of these vans? Any thoughts? Well, maybe we should talk about the font for the slogan. Oh, that's a good idea. Helvetica. No, Futura. No, Franklin Gothic. Oh, come on, Tim, Franklin Gothic?

What's wrong with Franklin Gothic? Avenir, Monster-Rat, Fruitager. Did you just make that up Tim? No, it's a geometric Sans Serif typeface. You're thinking of Gotham Tim. I'm not thinking of Gotham. I know the difference between Fruitager and Gotham thank you very much. Alright, calm down, calm down.

Atos, Daytona, Grotesque, Joker Man, Jumble, Atommono, Rockworld, Stoke Dispel. It's the second day of God King of the Universe Lord Sugar's task to build a planet in the Milky Way. The girls have got off to a flying start, building an exoplanet orbiting a sun-like star in the constellation of Cygnus. The boys, however, have had less success with their planet, owing to the ambitious ideas of their project manager, Jason. Guys, I've got some bad news. Oh, what is it now? Our ocean planet is tilted. What do you mean it's tilted?

It's at an angle to its orbital plane around the sun. Well, how did that happen? I know exactly how it happened. Oh, don't start, Steve. No, no, this needs saying, Jason. Do you remember Jason's idea of putting a few other planets in the same circumstellar disk? Yeah, I like that.

I thought it was a good idea. Well, one of them went completely bananas and collided with our ocean planet. Now the bloody thing's at an angle. Well, I didn't know that was going to happen, did I? I did put you in charge of those little planets, Steve. Oh, you mean we've accidentally created seasons? Our Lord Sugar's gonna have a shit fit when he hears about this!

Wait a minute, guys, I've got an idea. What? Look at all this debris from the impact. Perhaps we could turn this into an astronomical body and make it orbit around our planet. Why? Well, it could help moderate the tilt so it's not wobbling all over the place and give us a more stable climate.

If we start building astronomical bodies now, we're going to go over budget. Oh, I knew this was a mistake making you project manager. Look, I never wanted to be project manager in the first place. I told you I didn't have any experience of planetesimal formation. I made it quite clear my background is in sport and leisure. What did you say yes for then? I only said yes because none of you arseholes piped up. You should have said that yourself.

I was going to say that. What I like about the boy is that he's a big player and big players turn up for the big occasion, you know, every time. But that's big players for you. I suppose if they didn players turn up for the big occasion, you know, every time. But that's big players for you. I suppose if they didn't turn up for the big occasion they wouldn't be big players, they'd just be regular sized like the rest of the team. I mean there are times when a big player turns up for the small occasion as well, you know, you could be watching a small occasion from the terraces featuring lots of small players and suddenly you'll spot a big

player down there and think, oh what's he doing down there, this is a small occasion. But that's big players for you, you know, they can't help being big. And I think that's something to aspire to for small players who want to turn up to a big occasion because if you turn up to a big occasion as a small player, you become a big player. And, you know, eventually you could have a team of big players all playing big on every occasion and then well then you win everything I don't know why more teams don't do that really good afternoon ladies and gentlemen good Good afternoon God-King of the universe, Lord Sugar. So, I sent you off to build a planet in the Milky Way.

Jason, you were the project manager for the boys. How did you get on? Well Lord Sugar, we've built what I think is a very livable and attractive ocean planet and I'm very confident that we'll win this task. How are you now? I heard your planet's wonky. Yes, it's tilted on its axis at a 23.5 degree angle which is pretty pretty minor really as angles go. Did I ask you to build me a wonky planet? No. Then why have you built me a wonky

planet? Well I did delegate some responsibilities to Steve regarding the protection of the planet during construction and certain objectives. All right, that's enough. You know, the girls planet is abundant with life. They've got dinosaurs, crocodilians, birds, insects and marine reptiles. It's a beautiful looking thing. Yes, we've got all those things too. Not dinosaurs, you haven't. What happened to the dinosaurs? Well, well Phil thought that it would be a good idea. What? It wasn't just me. To have an asteroid flying past to light up the sky and make it look pretty and unfortunately it hit our planet and all the dinosaurs died.

I don't believe it. This is turning into a bloody shambles. Now what are all these hairless creatures with arms and legs crawling all over your planet? Well, we don't really know. They just appeared one day from the ocean and started walking around and talking. We've decided to call them hairless leg talkers.

There's bloody billions of them. And loads of them are polluting your planet and killing each other. Why are they doing that? It's still very much a work in progress, Lord Sugar. I think if we had more time... I don't want to hear excuses. This is a bloody balls up. It should come as no surprise that you've lost the task this week. I've never seen such a pathetic looking shitty little planet in all my years as God King of the universe. I mean what's that leg talker doing down there right now? Err, oh, he's playing golf.

Golf? What the bloody hell's golf? It's a pastime that the hairless leg talkers seem to enjoy. Do you even remember the brief? I wanted a luscious green planet built to maintain thriving ecosystems and diverse marine life. At no point did I say I wanted a dirty rock with a load of arseholes on it playing golf. Well they're not all playing golf. What's this bloody planet of yours called anyway? Um... Earth. Earth?

Yes. Sounds like the noise I make when I wake up in the morning. That's a brand new nightmare that is. I wanted to call it Hyper Planet Solutions Limited Lord Trigger. Oh shut up Steve. Nah I've heard enough. up in the morning. That's a brand new nightmare that is. I wanted to call it hyper planet solutions limited Lord Sugar. Oh shut up Steve. Nah I've heard enough. This is a disaster. I want you all to step out so I can decide who is safe this week and who will be exploded into a supernova. Thank you Lord Sugar.

Thank you Lord Sugar. Piss off. Earth. Bunch of woolies. So who are you? So who are you? So who are you? So who are you? So who are you? So who are you? Hello, Michael Spicer here. Thank you for listening to the show just then. Sorry I'm just packing away my props and wigs from the show. If you enjoyed that please do subscribe to Michael Spice and No Room on BBC Sounds and make sure you have the push notifications turned on and then

we'll let you know as soon as new episodes are available. I also wanted to let you know that there is another show that I think you will like on BBC Sounds and it's called Strong Message Here with Amandu Nuchi and Helen Lewis and they talk about political language and how you know nothing makes sense anymore. Anyway that's on BBC Sounds too and I highly recommend it. Okay till next time bye bye. Oh this is heavy. Hello, Russell Kane here. I used to love British history, be proud of it. Henry VIII, Queen Victoria,

massive fan of stand-up comedians, obviously, Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor. That has become much more challenging, for I am the host of BBC Radio 4's Evil Genius, the show where we take heroes and villains from history and try to work out were they evil or genius. Do not catch up on BBC Sounds by searching Evil Genius if you don't want to see your heroes destroyed, but if like me you quite enjoy it, have a little search. Listen to Evil Genius with me, Russell Kane,

go to BBC Sounds and have your world destroyed.