Comedy of the Week - Oliver Callan Bins the Border

Episode Date: August 11, 2025

Oliver Callan hosts a panel show in which comedians from both sides of the Irish border and Britain imagine what a united Ireland would look like if it ever happened.This week, Oliver Callan is joined by Neil Delamere, Alison Spittle, John Meagher and Ashley Storrie to debate a new national flag, who the head of state might be and the official, national breakfast.To listen to Part 2: Belfast, search Oliver Callan Bins The Border on BBC Sounds.Producer: Marc McElroy A BBC Northern Ireland Production for Radio 4.

BBC Sounds Music, radio, podcasts Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Samuel Beckett Theatre in Dublin's Trinity College for our two-part series Oliver Callan Bins the Border where a comedy panel imagines

what a United Ireland might look like if it ever came about. Imagine that. A shared island where we all live together merrily in the one state, under the one flag, anthem, the one capital, and the one brand of cheese and onion crisps. Could it be done? Should it be done? Will it taste good? You're going to find out over the course of two nights, one in Dublin, where we are tonight, and one in Belfast. My name is Oliver Callan. This is BBC Radio 4,

so I'm a comedian you've never heard of. Now, I am from the Ulster County of Monaghan. Yes, it's one of the three counties of Ulster that the United Kingdom decided not to keep when it mostly left Ireland to quasi-independence in 1922. Today, Monaghan, is very famous for... We have chickens, poetry, playing Gaelic football in a very bitter fashion, and for hosting Paul McCartney's unsuccessful second wedding. Basically, we bathe in misery,

but the Brits didn't want us because they already had Yorkshire. So we got quasi-independence, or to use the expression in the Irish tongue askelega, half-arst, half-arst independence. And so the South, of course, is you know what happened? They shook off oppression from Britain and we quickly replaced it with oppression for the Vatican.

The Brits gave us nice buildings and trains, but the church kind of gave us beatings and shame. Until we got our hands on condoms and gayness and then the church lost interest in us entirely. The clothes? In fairness, the night we got condoms and gayness was a cracking night. Oh, my God. Unforgettable.

What a night that was. But you know the rest, Northern Ireland, is still today. of the UK. It was set up in the 17th century as a colony for people who were too angry, even for Scotland. And the

fury kind of built and culminated in 30 years of violence, which is known as the Troubles. And that is a period that's never to be joked about except by everyone who's ever lived in Northern Ireland every minute of every day in every conceivable way, just never to outsiders or by outsiders.

Let's meet our guests from the north to south and Britain. Neil Delamere's well known, equally north and south, but in fact, Neil is from the damp middle of Ireland. Welcome to Neil. Neil, welcome. Do you think people understand that the Irish border question is very complex? No, I don't think they do. I also think you've done down Manhattan there by forgetting what is most famous for,

which of course is pulling an ATM out of a wall with a JCB. I think you'll find. People don't understand the border. Boris Johnson famously that half man, half golden retriever that they elected, that Milky Bar kid with a head injury that answer to the question

what would it look like if the hunchback of Notre Dame humped a bail of hay that man he famously declared it like the border between Islington and Camden you remember he said that the border is more complicated than that

if you don't know if you're not listening from outside of Ireland the border goes down the centre of certain roads in Ireland to the extent that if you're driving in one direction you're in the Republic and the other direction you're in the north if you have to drive into another jurisdiction to overtake a car that is a complicated border

get your passport out merrier we're going to burn this lad on the outside that is more complicated than people necessarily understand our belfast visiting comedian is john maher who was a martial arts dude before entertainment and has described himself as joe rogan if he believed in vaccines is john maher welcome john lizzie And John, you have mixed north-south heritage, I believe.

Are you one of the other? Well, I think Ireland's the only country in the world where you can be mixed race, but both your parents are white. So I was born in the west of Ireland in Clue Bay, postcard, picture, perfect, tranquil paradise. Whenever I was a baby, my dad thought paradise was boring, so moved us to an active war zone. and

yeah so I grew up in Yuri right on the border Newry is the only place I've ever seen a guy with a cardboard sign and it said genuine diesel for sale he's still there, Neil

Ashley's Story has her own show on BBC Radio Scotland is a native of Glasgow which is kind of like the Tesco own brand version of Belfast makes you know

welcome to Dublin Ashley Can I ask? Is this a rude question? Do you have strong views on the Irish unity question? I feel very uncomfortable. You've called me British twice and that's never happened in my life. I assumed it wouldn't until I won Wimbledon

and then a la Andy Murray had suddenly become British but I know I'm like you I'm also mixed race my mother is a Protestant, my daddy's a Catholic and what we like to call Athenian hun or fun for short

but I whatever you's one I'm happy with from the British member of the panel just for editorial guidance that's all to Alison Spittle who was born in Harrow but moved to Germany ended up in the Irish Midlands she's been unstable ever since

and we enjoy every minute of that. Welcome, Alison Spittle. Just to make things even more complicated. Your dad is English, isn't he? So your identity is kind of through other. Look, my dad is so English that even I feel colonised by him. Do you know, that type of way? Like, my dad would put an England flag outside of our house.

I grew up in a small Irish council estate in the middle of Westmead. My dad would put an England flag outside of house if the football was on, if the rugby was on, or if he's just feeling happy. Now, late at night, I was about eight years old at the time, I used to pray to God and go, God, please let England get knocked out at the World Cup tomorrow.

Please. And he always answered my prayers. And welcome to Neil, John, Ashley, and to Alison as well. Now, why are we even talking about the possibility of a United Ireland? In a word, it's Brexit, isn't it? A United Ireland's never been as discussed as constantly as it has been since 2016. Thanks mainly to two men who accidentally on purpose did more for the Irish Republican cause than anyone who's ever lived.

Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage. That's Bojo. And if you're using the same naming convention, Knifer, let's face it. They should get a big hero's mural in dairy. And for balance, by the way, I suppose I have to call it, BBC Radio 4. I have to call it London Derry too, because, no, no, let's be nice. This is a balanced show because the Democratic Unionist Party, you know, they can't even bring themselves to call it Dairy Girls.

in fact they have disputed the claims made in the popular Channel 4 series that falsely says according to them that Catholics were having fun in the 1990s it's also because they're allergic to dairy you see lactose intolerant everybody in the DUP is intolerant of something that's how you get in for further balance because now it's like the DUP I can I just say Sinn Féin's Jerry Adams was never in the IRA he just happened to be the only person up there growing a balaclava on his face Always sounded like he was talking through a woolly hat with respect.

Where was it? Brexit rattled the sleepy certainty around the future of Northern Ireland. And then in 2022, a census showed Catholics outnumbered Protestants for the first time ever. Now, this is a big shock because Protestants are culturally inclined to want to remain in the UK, of course, whereas Catholics are culturally inclined to want to remain in bed, making more Catholics by the sounds of it. And both sides are very good at what they do. And opinion polling still shows a clear majority are in favour of staying in the UK,

but support for Irish unity has grown significantly in the past three years across every demographic in the north of Ireland. And so here we all are, hurtling towards the day when an Irish border poll might be called by the Secretary of State and Lowe. We will hypothetically figure out tonight how to unite this Ireland safely in a way that appeals to all why we consider binning the border, ladies and gentlemen. So there are two broad lists of issues we need to sort out, the serious stuff and the fluff. So we'll start with the serious matters. Firstly, we might as well start with the flag. The flag. That's how you say it up there.

Union Jack or tricolour, of course. Neither acceptable universally. Are there colours or their arms for both communities that we can ever respect? I think that you need a flag that kind of, in all seriousness, would encompass everybody. So I think you have to have,

I think you have to have orange on it to represent the unionist tradition. And I think maybe green for nationalists. And then some sort of colour in between that would symbolise a piece for the two in between, some may be white there. I think that could, I think that could work quite well. So just the same plan. Has that been tried?

Can I just say, by the way, just as a digression, you mentioned Jerry Adams there? I once did the gig, and Jerry Adams apparently, Jerry Adams got an operation as prostate in the US, and people went, oh my God, who paid for that? And I did a joke about him saying, that's not the issue. somebody had to anesthetize Jerry Adams, which means you have to get the patient to count backwards. Now, how terrifying would it be to be in a room with Jerry Adams looking at you going,

five, four. None of that's going in. The flag. The flag. You do have a lot of chickens in Monaghan, yeah? I think we could go Union Jack but green, white and orange Keep it sassy

Keep it, everyone's... Keep it sassy, yeah, perfect, yeah. Why bother with a flag? There must be some other fabrics. Yeah, you're right, maybe, like, do you know those inflatable things you see outside car dealerships with their hands waving in the wind like that? Wouldn't that be a great flag? That's a superb flag. Imagine you win the Olympics.

But you can't carry that in at the Olympic parade. That's going to be a nightmare to carry in during the Olympic parade. We can do it. That's where the unionists come in because they can march with anything. Okay, we have the flag. It's the wavy man, I think. We've all agreed on that. Where is the new capital of this United Ireland?

Where are we going to locate it? It's Dublin or Belfast. Could be a bit of both. We have some countries around the world that have two capitals. Neither, because I had to do research for this because I didn't know any of these things and I looked for the direct centre of the island and it's Adamstown and a place called

Kippin Duff is nearby and I like that word Kippin Duff because it sounds like a pregnant woman taking a nap What county is that in? Oh, it begins with W. What's me? That's the one. What you're witnessing there is the first time

they have ever won anything. Westmead, this is beautiful. Westmead, and that is my decision based off map-licking. Incredible. I think Dublin has had it too good for too long. Yeah. That's what I think. Dublin was founded in 841.

I've done some research as well. We celebrated the millennium of Dublin in 1988, which is not a thousand years later, by the way. That is 1147 years later. we were 147 years too late. If September 11th was up to us, we would have called it sometime around January. And possibly the reason is because a thousand years later was in the 1840s in Ireland

and that was no time for having a party in Ireland. There's a party. Will there be food? You haven't heard the bad news, have you? Will there be drink? No. What will there be? Evictions. So, it can't be Dublin. I don't think it should be Belfast either. I think we should inconvenience as many people as possible Kerry. We put it in Kerry.

Listen, we put it as far away from Dublin and Belfast as possible. It'll be fractious. So for the first few months of a new doll or new, whatever we call it, new stormed, we let the Healy Raids come up with the rules. Now, the Healy Raes, imagine the Trump family if they're

mainly their political advice from the fairies. That's... case in point, Danny Healy Ray wanted the people to be able to have a couple of drinks and drive home as long as it was a local road. Right? So presumably he would walk into a garage state, going, I'd like to apply for the drunk driving licence, please.

Now, you're not going to use this on a motorway or a dual carriageway, Danny, are you? Oh, God, no, I'm going to use this on a smaller, wash-lit, badly surface road. You're statistically more likely to kill somebody, but you'll probably know them, so you'd be going to the funeral anyway. Let these lads Just come up with the first few rules And then, you know, everybody will think they're crazy And then I think when you have a common enemy

That's what unites people Kipp and Duff and Kerry then for the two capitals together, excellent What about a new head of stage? What would we call this person a president? Bono. Monarch No, as a title, they're all just called a Bono But he's never allowed to be it

That's a beautiful cruel joke It's the Bono that Bono can never be. I think it has to be Prince Harry to be the first one, right? You can have him. Yeah. He's fine. Big ginger head in him,

loves a pint, hates the British royal family. Who is more Irish than that? I think we've solved so many serious things. We can move on to the fluff, ladies gentlemen, and let's be honest, this is the kind of fluff.

This is the stuff I feel, question time, or PMQs or the media polls here have been lacking in exploring. These are the cultural markers that are below it on different sides of the border, but can't live together in this new state that we're imagining tonight. I don't know if there's a difference really between the Ulster Fry and the full Irish, but I have done the requisite research. The full Irish doesn't have beans from what I can tell.

It uses button mushrooms instead of flat mushrooms. Most include the white pudding as well as the black because we're really fair and inclusive. And those hard, thick-skinned Cumberland sausages, are what you call them? They're never allowed. That's the main feature that marks it from the the full Irish, and the full Irish differs from the Ulster Fry, only because the latter has potato farls, John, with the beer bread, and soda farl, two different types of... Teddy bread.

Yeah, titi bread. Are slim. That's potato bread. Go on, John. If they're struggling with that, this entire show's in question. Like, what I love about Ireland is our lovely small pink Irish sausages. Like, that is what I miss when I go

to London. If we're talking about unification, we unify the breakfasts, I think. More is more, and that is great. And I am a Scottish person, so I enjoy a carb on a carb, on a bit of meat with a carb. And then batterers are deep fry the whole thing. Sometimes. And that's what the North Springs, the carbs, the breads. You have that, you have your beans, you have your button mushrooms, you have your wee, weird pink, skinless sausages that you're so, so very keen upon. So let's just, let's just go. done with a big giant unified Irish

breakfast. Yeah, Irish people are so afraid of beans and I just think Irish people need to embrace beans. But you need the beans because when you're full of all the meats and the breads the beans the only fibre on the plate and that shifts out again so you need

the beans actually serve a purpose on a breakfast place. I think we're making great progress here though. The fry up essentially is going to be unified and the beans will be on the side. The only bit of Irish culture that will benefit from partition. Yeah, the beans will just be off the side of there. So we've done very well on our fluff, ladies and gentlemen, we're sorting it's out.

Right, we have imagined a lot of a United Ireland, but we've more to do, and we're running low on time, actually, so let's try to sort out the difficult fringe areas of interest by putting our panellus on the spot to decide and figure out some stuff. Neil, we'll start with you. Who wants these infernal, controversial counties

of Toron in the north and cork down south? Oh. I mean, you're only throwing Theron in there because you're from Monhen and we both know that. I would keep Throne and I would keep Cork because it's the biggest county on the island and we have to keep it because otherwise the weather forecast map would look mental. It would look like a little claw, wouldn't it? You just have Kerry and you just have kind of water for it on the other side and no one would understand it. We need to concentrate on the stuff that unites us and ignore the stuff that divides us.

So, look, we all know stuff divides. It's like, you know, November, a man walks naked down the Falls Road in Belfast, right? And Irish news readers would be like, oh, God, it's freezing. How's you doing that? And Daily Mail readers are like, where's this poppy? So I think that divides us, whereas we need to concentrate on the stuff that unites us, north and south, like we both hate when American actors try and do our accents in television. shows and radio shows.

Yes. And it doesn't matter if it's Scottish, it doesn't matter if it's the North, it doesn't matter if it's the Republic, it's all horrendous. There was two guys on a show once in there were meant to be brothers, and one that was like, it's called Hell on Wheels. And one was like, oh God, it's an half long way back to our homeland in Ireland. And his brother was like, yeah, it's bleeding miles away so, isn't it? Right? I was like, Jesus, it's a fairly big house you have there, lads, that stretches a hundred and eighty miles from Dublin to care. across the country.

Oh God, Daddy was very cruel. And I was thinking, yeah, because he knows one of you isn't his, that's what. And ever, we all hate that. So I think we can concentrate on that. Okay, we're keeping Tyrone. Okay, well, I'm glad. Ashley, here's one, only

a British person could fix for us. But since no British person is here, only a Scottish one. Thank you. What can be done about the phrase that really does drive us mad? I don't even know if English people certainly don't understand this about us.

The mainland, very problematic. The unions do like to refer to Britain as the mainland. The British Isles, of course, is a kind of geographical thing. What are we going to do about these terms? What I want to talk about is the Irish Sea. It's not a sea. I just don't think it's a sea. I think if you can see across a sea on a clear day from Stranrar, then that's not a sea.

That's just a thick river. So I've got ideas for that. The Wab. The wet-ass border. John, you have the best of these conundrums now. What is going to be done about the Titanic? Who gets to claim it? Because Coven County Corcorps is where the ship brought its final passengers.

It's last place. It's photographed. Belfast built it. Didn't do a great job, to be fair. Whoa. Whoa. Firstly. Ice-proof.

Vectum blaming? I mean, I genuinely didn't know Cork felt that they had anything to do with the Titanic until his question. You know, a bus isn't recognized unweared. picks people up. No, and the engineering of the Titanic, anyone in Northern Ireland will tell you it was fine when it left.

Alison, this is a really good one for the panellists. Of course, born in London with an English dad, then forced to live in Dresden. Dresden, yes. Sounds like a Pogue song. Born in London with an English dad. Because both sides of the border love shaking down tourists.

Yes. And we love the tourists coming in. And it's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's authentically. Whatever myth of Ireland you have, it's 11 euro for the pint. We love the tours, except for the Germans. And not for the reasons that the English people think. It's because they arrive, don't they, in a crowd? They buy a single half pint to experience the Irish pub.

They get the free music for the whole thing. What are we going to do about the German tourists? Would you be able to offer some insight on this? I think... It doesn't involve sausages. I think... We allow... We have to...

I think we have to insist. And now I feel very stifled now that it is... a sausageless answer especially when it comes to Germany as well I think I think what we should do is we should tell the Germans

that they full on have to French kiss the Bilarney stone right tongues I'm talking absolutely tongue the Baleigh shifting the Bilarney stone because they'll catch something And they'll stop coming.

Do you know what I mean? I think, yeah, we should cause some sort of pandemic. Okay, we've sorted out some of the fluff. And thank you for being on the spot. Panelists, Bullabot. We do love a referendum in this country. So after confronting all of the various issues, both constitutional and trivial, of course.

We will now invite our guests and our audience, indeed, to give their verdict on whether Ireland should bin the border and become united. The choices basically are going to be yay, nay, or way-lay. And way-lay is to do nothing, sit on the fence, avoid all conversation about this, pretend we don't even have to decide, ever quietly exit the WhatsApp group.

So let's go to the panel. I'm going to start with you, Neil. Neil, yay, nay, way-lay. Ah, of course it's going to be yay. It's going to be yay. But is there any sensible reason, practically, for the yay? Oh, you didn't ask me for a sensible reason. Yay, because I went to primary school in Ireland in the 80s

and that was our dream. A fiddly, didly, didly day. I sat in awfully licking a briquette. A briquette? Yes, a briquette is a female bricket. We were very ahead of our time. But we were kind of thought that's almost that simplistic sort of nationalism

and I kind of long for that Airu Gobraw Ashley, come to you Yeah, Come to me at the end Let me see what the way that land is Before I stick my big British Oren, please

Alison, would you like to vote Yay, Nay or Waylay Alison? I would love to vote yay I really want Ireland to come together because like I have a confession to make I have a British passport I know

I didn't know what happened I was a kid right and my parents said to me do you want to steal a British passport yeah it was Ocean's 11 it was like a heist and here we are so like basically my parents went to me my mum said I have an Irish passport

but dad is like I have a British passport what passport do you want and I looked at the two passports now The Irish passport has a harp on it, right? And the British passport has a unicorn on it. I was a six-year-old child. What am I going to pick? You know, it's a wonderful passport.

So it's yay. I was waiting for the butt, but you're going to go yay. That's a year, because I woke up on the day of Brexit. It was all delight. I was like, oh, they're agents. And then I'm like, oh, no, I've got one. John Maher, yay, nay or way lay. Just a quick reminder, John now lives in London.

Oh, but I'm a yay. I also am from Yuri. and like to go home Yeah Ashley, if you could really help out I think to add some balance to this whole thing I'm going to say yay

God help us but ask this Dublin audience Those undecided first of all Any waylays There was a Kerry waylay Oh there's a British person who loves to queue It could have had her in turn That's a waylay because you love queuing

Well done Anyone against Anyone against Do they know I have their names and addresses Yeah And who's in favour of Uniting Ireland Yes Yes, yes, yes.

Don't worry, it's an Irish referendum. We will keep doing it until we get the right answer. My thanks to the panel for taking on this topic in the only language really that can make any sense of the Irish border question. That is comedy, whether that lovely lump of Ulster should be in a United Kingdom or a United Ireland. It all comes down basically to identity.

And national feelings are kind of a fiction. You might as well choose whether to declare yourself a crypto citizen of the Kardashians or the beckhams based on purely on the circumference of their various bottoms. Cultural bits and bobs shouldn't really make a country, I don't think. We just need good ideas and how to run things so that people can love and work and feel fulfilled, get value for their tax money.

Ireland has peace, of course. We have peace now. It came from a worldwide effort. It's an incredible feat when you consider the violent global atmosphere that we live in today. Ours is kind of a miraculous piece because the Clintons even went to Dundalk at one point in November

and it was so miserable there Bill and Hillary got into the same bed together Tony Blair the first British Prime Minister who looked like he could sell home insurance and ecstasy came over here, he helped to stop the violence and he was so smug about it afterwards of course he felt entitled to start

some more wars elsewhere Bono did a concert which was amazing because the IRA only agreed to decommission after he threatened to do another gig if they didn't So to be kind of serious, to have or to have not a United Ireland, it would be a decision based on feelings. And we just can't drunk shop online for a national destiny

because someone who doesn't care and who parks their van and bicycle lanes will dump it on your doorstep the next day in bits and unreturnable. So United Ireland, if we ever do it, let us do it slowly and carefully and maybe like candlelight with some sexy music. Our thanks to our panel, ladies and gentlemen, Neil Delamere, to Alison Spittal, to Ashlyn Story, and to John Maher. You've all been listening to Oliver Callan Bins the Border,

and we did everything we could to ensure no sensitivities were harmed in any way, and if anyone was affected by anything they heard tonight, that was only because they deserved it. I'm Oliver Callan, chat to you again. Good night and goodbye. Oliver Callan Bins the Border was written and presented by me, Oliver Callan, and produced by Mark McElroy.

It was a BBC Northern Ireland production for Radio 4. Hello, Russell Kane here. I used to love British history. Be proud of it, Henry VIII, Queen Victoria. Massive fan of stand-up comedians, obviously Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, that has become much more challenging, for I am the host of BBC Radio 4's Evil Genius. The show where we take heroes and villains from history

and try to work out, were they evil or genius? Do not catch up on BBC Sounds by searching Evil Genius if you don't want to see your heroes destroyed. But if like me, you quite enjoy it, have a little search. Listen to Evil Genius with me, Russell Kane, go to BBC Sounds and have your world destroyed.