Comedy of the Week - Omid Djalili: Namaste

Episode Date: September 21, 2026

Omid Djalili explores a world that's louder, angrier, and stranger than ever.Who gets to decide who we are before we've even opened our mouths? Omid Djalili examines the stereotypes that shape our lives - from growing up as the son of Iranian immigrants to the labels, assumptions and snap judgements we all make about each other. Through stand-up, audience contributions and personal stories, he asks whether comedy can break through prejudice and remind us that people are always more complicated than the boxes we put them in.This is the first episode of the Stand-Up Specials series Omid Djalili: Namaste. To hear more episodes, search "Stand-Up Specials" on BBC Sounds.A BBC Studios Production for Radio 4.

I'm Ahmed Jalili and this is Namaste. There's a lot going on in the world right now and so much of the so-called discourse and dialogue that we hear is getting angrier and more intense and more divided. But anger itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. It all depends on how we use it. In this series, we'll be looking at everything from identity, war, online outrage and how a sense of community might save us all.

This week, I'm looking at stereotypes in an episode that, for completely unrelated reasons, I'm calling short-fat kebab shop owner's son. The interests of peaceful beginnings, I'd like to start with the traditional Iranian way. Okay, so, are you well? Yes. Are you happy? Yes. Are you up for some joy and laughter?

Yes. And that is why the West must be destroyed. I love scaring white people. I love just walking into a random building going, Allah! He should have seen the surgeon's face. He nearly dropped the kidney. It was amazing.

But I also want to thank my producer. I said to, look, Sasha, I've never done a radio show. And you know what? I'm really worried because all I've ever done in my career, I've been around for 30 years now. 30 years, ladies gentlemen, isn't that amazing? Sometimes when I look back, I think all I've done is really perpetuate Middle Eastern stereotypes.

And I really don't want to do it for a radio full. crowd, so how should I be? And she put a hand on my shoulder, because, Omid, seriously, just be yourself. So I sold her a carpet. And two kilograms of Afghan heroin. Something she really appreciated. The planet is in a real state. Right now, we see war, confusion, raging, breaking heat, anger, violence, death, and desolation. And that's just my pillar. for faties class. Now anger, anger is in itself not a bad thing. It's the emotion we feel when we see injustice,

that feeling that we want things to be better, to change things, to improve the quality of our lives. And it's really about how you use it. How do I filter my anger? I put it into my namaste catalytic converter. Where the anger goes through a process of analysis, ultimately see if it sprouts thoughts and ideas that are either useful, timely, or of service to the world.

And if what comes out at the other end is something funny or interesting or beautiful, I'll share it. Now, I'd like to hear from some of my audience. I asked you guys some questions on the way in. The question here is, what do you think of when you hear the name Amid Jalili? One answer here is chicken teakamasa. I understand I'm not Pakistani or Indian. What do you think of when you hear the name Amid Jalili? an expensive rug.

Now, I don't know how they know, but yes, I am hairy. So someone else, what do you think of, Omidjolili? I love that woman. What happened to her? The last one is, what do you think of

when you hear the name Omidja Lili? Fat, balding git like me. Madam, please don't talk yourself down. That's not right. Now, you're going to hear some very big opinions tonight, and we should really talk about where do I? our opinions come from.

First of all, your faith. Maybe you're a Christian or a Jew or a Muslim. I was born and raised as a Baha'i. The Baha faith believes that the earth is one country, mankind and its citizens. All religions are different chapters of the same book, and each individual is

a mine rich in gems of inestimable value. Which goes against my own personal belief that the majority of all people everywhere are thick as pig shit. But also nationality. Nationalities is a very big thing, because we're all subject to filters. Me too. I'm a British Iranian. I have filters as well. People say, what does that mean?

As a British Iranian, I can tell me this. Full disclosure, half of me has a natural, you know, suspicion and hatred for anything American. Okay, I'll be clear. And the other half, exactly the same. Exactly the same. It's very difficult for me as an Iranian to travel. I was in America when there was a terrible terrorist attack, and I gave my passport, a passport, control, the guy goes, excuse me, sir, are you Iranian? I said, yes, I'm Iranian, but technically I was born and raised in the UK, so technically that makes me Ukrainian. So welcome the United States and he let me in. Also, before you do that, you know, you have to answer questions on an American work visa. Just so you know, these are the kind of questions you get,

and don't mess around with them, because each question delays your visa application by two days. My visa application was delayed by three months. I'm not kidding. And these are the questions, okay? Question 15. Are you or have you ever been a drug abuser or addict? I said, no. My motto is never get high on your own supply,

as my good friend Pablo Escobar used to tell me. Question 18. Have you ordered, incited, assisted, or participated in genocide? I said, no, but the knight is young. I like being in America. It's the only place in the world where I don't feel fat. To Americans, I'm just a light midday snack. They'd swallow me whole.

But I also do love the, I suppose, the arrogance and the entitlement of Americans because actually they have songs about all their cities that everybody knows the words to. You know, like, start spreading the news. I'm leaving today. I want to be a part of it New York

You see look If this is America You'd all be singing along with me From the very beginning But you are so English You're all sat there going Where are you going with this fat boy If you wanted musical accompaniment

You should have hired a choir I know because this area is very posh Do you know it's actually around this area It's so posh It's going to be the first place To open up a Kentucky fried pheasant Can you believe it? Silver spoon licking good.

All these songs are like, like, pardon me, boy, is that the Chattanooga, Choochoo, Chattanooga, it's half the size of Wigan. And we know that song, you know, like, my kind of town, Chicago.

Everybody knows these songs. What have we got? All we got, why don't you come to Leeds, it's shit? I'll tell you how shit Leeds is. Their castle is in Maidstone. Europeans have songs like

Wonderful, wonderful, Copenhagen. What do we have? London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down. My fair lady. What's my fair lady got to do with anything?

Only in Britain you could be watching a catastrophe unfold before your very eyes and still try and pull at the same time. But there's a thing we do love. We love making fun of where we live. I was in Peterborough. Anyone here from Peterborough at all? Did you know that Mary Queen of Scots was buried in Peterborough? 1587, she was buried in Peterborough,

and 25 years later they exhumed her body, and they moved her to London, because she just couldn't take it any longer. And when you go there, anyone being to Dudley? Dudley is near Burman. I was in Dudley. We got him in a cab, and I said, where are you from me?

He goes, I'm from Dudley, ma'am out. I'm from Dudley. I said, what's Dudley like? goes, oh, I'm born and raising, Dudley, it's great. I said, what's great about Dudley? He went, well, it's not Wolverhampton. That was it. And then I met the mayor of Wolverhampton.

I said, what's Wolverhampton like? He goes, well, do you know what, mate? Wolverhampton is the kind of place that makes George Orwell seem like an optimist. I want to say, it's great to be in London. If you don't know, I actually live in Ipswich right now, which is amazing. You won't believe this. I do live in Ipswich. During the pandemic, I didn't think I'd ever work again, so downsized, found a nice place.

nipswich. I live in it was up the A12. And you know what? If you ever gone up the A12? When you go past around Chelmsford, you go past this 24-hour adult superstore on the left. There's a sex shop on the A-12. And every time I drive past, I go, oh, I'm nearly home. Lovely. I'm a child of immigrants, which means I'm, I was raised to be an outsider. In fact, I'm a minority, I'm a British-Iranian, which makes me a minority. And then even within the Iranian community, I'm part of a, I suppose, oppressed minority, the Baha'i's. So I'm a minority within a minority. And even within the Baha'i community of London, people thought my family were a bit strange.

So I'm a minority within a minority. To put it another way, it's a bit like being a Stoke city fan. There are many of us from different cultures operating within British cultures. So there are many of us who feel very much part of British culture, which we love, but we can't deny this other part of ourselves. And all my first observations were like being a fish out of water, like my name, the name. Amid actually arranged a very powerful name.

Ahmed means hope, and it's a shame that Jalili means less. But the thing is, my first jokes were about being culturally disconnected. Like my mother took me to McDonald's. True story. They absolutely true story. Took me to McDonald's, 1977. She goes to give me two Big Mac, two chip, two cook. How much they went?

Four pound 50. She went, okay. I give you one. That was my reality. Even at my university graduation, literally my father was there talking to other people boasting about their other sons and saying, you know, I have an American guy

because I got a son who just got a BA from Harvard. And a French guy goes, I have a son and an MBA from the Sorbonne in Paris. My dad would say, that is nothing. My son, the other one, have BMW from Germany. And if you want to talk about my existence, problem is the fact that I looked like a short fat kebab shop owner's son but inside me there was a tall thin high cheekbone English pons screaming to get out and this was this is what I was I was a theatre

pons I used to walk around you know I was one of those idiots who walk around the Edinburgh Festival pronouncing any ethnic theatre company with the correct accent you know I was that pont people said oh I just went to see a French theatre company le teatro de la mimi de pan it's wonderful then I saw that Spanish dance company, yes, the Spanish dance thing, yeah, the, oh yeah, me, I want to go to go to California, because I said, too, a bien dance workshop from Madrid, amazing. And I was

trying to, even when I was doing acting classes, I thought the way to do Shakespeare was like those English ponters, I used to grapple with Shakespearean text by slowing down and speeding up again for no reason and inflection as much unnecessary emotion

in parts of the text where it does not exist, sire. That's how I was. Did you know I was actually on a television show called The Big, Big Talent Show? It was the precursor to Britain's Got Talent. It was hosted by Jonathan Ross. I won the best comic category in 1990. Did anyone remember that in 1996?

You do remember that. I was a short fat kebab shop by the son, and I was in a final. It was myself, Liz Tross and Dominic Cummings. And it was amazing. And basically, British people actually believed that my father was a kebabazzan. shop owner, and that's the thing. If you say I'm a kebab shop owner, son, people believe that your father has a kebab shop. No one has an issue with it because it fits him with their worldview. He goes to that boy, he's a little swarthy, isn't he? Of course his father owns a kebab shop. It's like British people will believe anything if it fits into their worldview.

I actually asked my audience about this, and I asked them, what's the most British thing a person can do? Colonize. I'm all for self-deprecating humour. Say sorry to a chair. It is British. Say, we all have to do this again sometime with no intention of doing it again sometime. And how about, say,

ooh, lovely, when shown a radiator. Most British thing a person can do. Say, not ideal, at total societal collapse. That's very good. 9-11 was terrible. The planes went into the 3,000 people died, not ideal, is it?

I was born and raised here, and it was very difficult because I love British culture, but my family never really celebrated British traditions like Christmas. I remember six years old, I was speaking to my father and my uncle making fun of me, because I said, it's Christmas tomorrow, what have you done? They said, what do you want? What do you want? I said, what I want is to wake up on Christmas morning and the end of my bed,

there are things stuffed into stockings. Imagine my shock when I woke up, and there was my uncle in nothing but stockings. I said, well, I've never looked at a bag of walnuts in the same way again. And even Christmas presents. There are people who don't understand. Last year, an auntie actually gave me a bottle of shampoo.

I said, what's that for? It's for your back. What do you think it's for? I want to say, Iranian culture, we are very, very... And Iranians, you can back me up on this. We really believe humility is the most important thing. We really put a lot of value on being humble.

That's the reason why, frankly, we're way better than you as a culture. Seriously, because we have a word in Iranian culture, which is called Befarmine, which means, please, after you. Because we're a service culture. We say, Beframine. After you, everything is Beframine. We have some food.

Befarmine. It's a lovely word. After you. In fact, that's why the gestation period for Iranian twins is the longest in any other culture. But we do value two things in our culture, which is very important. Number one, we say Pazirai, which means hospitality. You never leave an Iranian household hungry.

I'm sure some of you've had that experience with Iranians and the Middle Eastern people, Jews, you'd never leave their houses hungry. And number two, very important value for us. We call it a bat, which is loosely translated as talking shit behind people's backs. I used to see this in tandem in the 1970s. My father, this true story, my father had this English accountant called Brian who would come around 4 o'clock every Saturday in a three-piece seat. Say, Brian, Brian, Brian, come in. Are you hungry?

No, no, no, I had a sandwich at 1 o'clock. No, Parijun, make some food for Brian, bring the rice, the kebab. We put all this food in front of him. He goes, have some food. He goes, no, I had a sandwich at 1 o'clock. No, eat something. He goes, Iranian food is the best food in the world. You must try it, because I have a little taste.

You can't finish it. Take it home. Parijun, put the food in boxes, give it to him. There's a bag. Take it home. enjoy Brian, see you next week. And when he's gone, they say, did you see that?

What a greedy fat bastard. Sandwich at 1 o'clock with a greedy fat, four-eyed bastard, English people have no manners. No manners at all. The whole Middle East is very, very diverse, with very diverse people. Dubai is very, the Iranian,

you see Iran, see Dubai as like the Las Vegas in the Middle East. And when you go there, it's true. You go to, they say, Omeid, you come to Dubai, you can have anything you want. You want to you want. the girl, we get you girl. You want to drink, we give you drink. If you want to gamble, you can gamble, you can gamble, you can gamble, all day. Girl, drink, gamble, gamble, drink, girl, you want to drink, girl, we blend, girl, you drink it. We'll like it. You want all three.

We blend, girl, you drink it, we bet how quickly you don't it in one. I said, actually, I actually fancy, I quite fancy, whatever you want. I said, I actually fancy a bacon sandwich. You went, pork! This is a Muslim country. How dare you? Now kindly, drink your woman and leave. I got cancelled during 9-11. You all know 9-11, the Twin Towers came down, and I was on a sitcom at the time. I was one of the four leads, okay?

It was the anti-sex in the city. Sex and the city is four sexy women having sex. We were four assholes in Leytonstone who wouldn't get near being laid. And it was great. The show got cancelled. Tuesday, September the 11th, 2001, okay? And I just assumed that after this terrible global tragedy,

people were not in the mood to laugh. Maybe they said, now's not the time. We can laugh later. We'll bring the show back on later. The show never came back, and I realized it was me. There was no appetite for a Middle Eastern lead character in a show. Same with all my live gigs. They said, you know what?

The show's not going ahead. All those shows went ahead, but without me. So I was cancelled just for being a Middle Easterner. But God blessed the Royal Variety performance, because the only gig I had left was that show in December. And I'll never forget it. You all know the Royal Variety. 3,000 people, all in Dickie Bow ties.

You got Prince Charles as he was in the Royal Box in my left. And I opened with this joke. I just said, hey, suicide bombing, eh? It's going to get worse. We're now going to have suicide bomber schools. How does that even work? Where's your bag? Oh, I left it on the bus.

Well done. House Point. I swear to God. That night, silence, shock and horror. Everyone was quiet. I looked up at Prince Charles, who looked down at me, and he just went, that's all he did, that little laugh.

And it saved my career. I uncannselled myself. My career came back alive. He invited me every year to the rule of the right. I couldn't do it. I did it again five years later. It was 2006, and now he's in the box with Camilla. who he married the year before,

I did a different set, and there's a line-up afterwards. You know, you're on stage, and they're all there, and he's there with Camilla. He goes, he said, here's, you didn't do suicide bomber school. I love that, Charlie. Marvelous.

I wanted Camilla to hear it. Would you do it for Camilla now? And Camilla audibly says, oh, I love to hear a suicide bomber school joke. Well, Griggs, what does she say? So I said, she's the future, Queen, I said, well, Your Royal Highness, suicide bomber school. How does that even work? Where's your bag? Or I left it on the bus. Well done. House Point.

She looked at me and she goes, oh, I don't get it. Prince Charles says, he's darling, it's a suicide bomber school. He was saying, no, no, I understand the premise. I don't get the logic. Surely if it's a suicide bomber school, he should have stayed on the bus with the bag. I mean, the fact that he got off, surely that deserves some sort of punishment. Prince Charles made eye contact, took one step back and said, She carried on digging me out, because yes, your jokes are very funny, but on closer inspection, there's no rhyme, reason or logic to any of them. Have you thought about a career maybe as a politician?

A lot of people come to my shows and they ask me the big questions. Ahmed, what is the meaning of life? Why are we here? What is human nature really? But the main question I get a lot is, did you eat my sandwich? I never touched your sandwich. And this is the thing, ladies gentlemen, we've gathered here today

because we're at a precipice in the world. I believe world peace is inevitable. It's inevitable. Do we get there through consultative will or through unimaginable horrors? And this was the backstory to my favorite sci-fi show, Star Trek. Give me a chair if you all know Star Trek.

Brilliant show. The backstory to Star Trek, there's been a massive global conflict, half the world's population has been wiped out. So people then have to come together, peace, love and unity. And they do what mankind is supposed to do. Get on the Starship Enterprise, seek new life, new civilizations, and boldly go where no man has gone before.

And that show was trying to give you hints what mankind was capable of if we were united. Spock, during the 60s civil rights movement, Spock was there as a product of interspecies sex, father was Vulcan, mother human. And America said, far out, that's pretty cool. Captain Kirk was copping off with every alien woman he could get his hands on.

A green woman, some yellow woman, some purple woman with three tiddies who showed up in total recall a few years later for some reason. And everyone said, you go, girl, do it for us. And then Captain Kirk kissed Lieutenant Uhura. The first time we saw a white man kissed. a black woman and America said no. And the question is, how do you reconcile institutional racism of large swathes of American society?

I don't know, but I can tell you this. I came in the room. I was hungry. The sandwich was there. I ate it. Can we move on? Ladies, gentlemen, what is our takeaway? What is our takeaway from tonight?

But most people don't actually know each other well enough to hate each other properly. So what we need to do is to sit down with the people we really don't like to get to know them properly, to learn how we can hate them in the correct way. I spent years wondering whether I was British enough, Iranian enough, posh enough, down to earth enough, foreign enough, stereotypical enough, before eventually realizing being a human being is already complicated enough. Why am I making it worse?

So as the 13th century Persian poet Rumi said, you are not a drop in the ocean, you are the entire ocean in a drop. Thank you. This is Namaste. Omidja Lili Namaste was performed by me, Omid Jalili, written by Omid Jalili and Boothby Grafaud, with additional material from Mike Shepard and Madeline Brettingham. The producer was Sasha Bobak, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. If you enjoyed that episode, you can hear more on Beechel.

BBC Sounds. Just search stand-up specials. Could you talk about being invisible or double denim? Who knows what's next on the new series of Just a Minute? Belting out a rendition of Godabat. Whatever the topic, our panel has just a minute to speak, without hesitation, deviation or repetition. Join Zoe Lyons, Desiree Birch, Paul Merton, and many more for the new series of just a minute with me, Super Kids.

It's funny because it's true. Listen on Radio 4 And the full box set is available now on BBC Sounds.