Comedy of the Week - P.O.V.

Episode Date: February 3, 2025

The internet's best comedy creators bring you a sketch show that features Colin from Portsmouth, Broken News, Sally In HR, and every Ed Sheeran song ever.Written and performed by Kylie Brakeman, The Exploding Heads, Rachel Fairburn, Matt Green, Rosie Holt, Charlene Kaye, Kelechi Okafor, Larry & Paul, Morton, Burke & Fry, The Squid, and Ed Night & Paddy Young.Recorded in London, Manchester, Dublin, Los Angeles, New York and Edinburgh.Edited by Rich Evans at Syncbox Post Produced by Ed MorrishA Lead Mojo production for BBC Radio 4

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts You need to stop asking what the henge is going to do for the community and start asking what the community is going to do for the henge. I am disgusted Anthony absolutely disgusted. Okay which part was quote unquote offensive? Your pet cat's died. But obviously I'm not going to say any of that to you Nick. Maybe I'll rupture my ACL.

Sounds nice. I don't think it's controversial to say those roles should have gone to babies. They look like adults! That's what I love about you. A sense of humour. POV. A sketch show. Okay everyone, welcome to this meeting of the Neolithic Wiltshire Town Council.

First point of order, as you know we have a fair bit of stone left over from last quarter's stone budget and we have to decide what to do with it. These are nice big sarsen stones so it really got to be amazing. We've had a few good suggestions so far. Millstones for food, shelter for the rain, shaping all the stone into lumpy arrowheads and burying them in the ground. Very well then. Sounds like we're all in agreement. In that case... How about a henge? Not this again. Yeah. It's been a while since we've had a new henge.

Yes, well, we all let you convince us to build twig henge and feather henge, and look what happened to them. Yeah, but stone, imagine that. I'm having a hard time picturing a henge made of stone. Exactly, it's never been done. How many times have you seen a megalith that's made of two rocks on top of each other? But no one's done three. A henge is very ambitious but I'll indulge you, let's blue sky this. Maybe it could be a cairn or a barrow.

Nope, has to be a henge. Okay then, what would we use it for? Would it be for religion, for astronomy? Maybe it's a calendar? Yeah, probably one of them. No more funny business. Why do you come here every quarter to suggest a henge when you can't even tell us why you want it, what it's for? It's for the community. To do what?

I don't know, they're a henge, they're a business. But if we're going to approve this, you must have some idea of what the henge will be doing for the community. You need to stop asking what the henge is going to do for the community and start asking what the community is going to do for the Henge. Like for example suppose we build it you know like in a town centre it might draw people to the area we can set up markets in there. Stupid. No merchants for two miles minimum. So where would we build this thing?

Salisbury Plain just off the A303. Okay well we'll put that in the maybe pile, put a pin, circle back round. Bollocks, I'm not letting you kick the can down the road again. Excuse me? Last year we were going to build Chalkhenge, but you put it on the maybe pile and then decided to use it all to draw a massive horse on the hillside. I'm not hearing any other complaints about the horse. We've been shamed not to have a horse. But that does nothing for the community!

Art for free public consumption is one of the noblest goals you can pursue in office. Plus it brings tourism. Ooh, how about this? Go on then. No, no, no, no. It's a compromise. We'll build it where you want to build it, but it won't be a henge. Instead we'll build a ring of sculptures of big lovely horses.

Yeah, go on then. Horses are brilliant. Instead, we'll build a ring of sculptures of big lovely horses. Yeah! That's it! Yeah, go on then. Horses are brilliant. Now, we don't have quite enough stones for the whole thing, so we'll just use them for the legs and the knobs. The rest we'll make out of twigs and feathers. Meeting adjourned. Time's coming up to 11 o'clock.

Let's have some callers. Colin from Portsmouth is on the line. Hello Colin. I am disgusted Anthony, absolutely disgusted with the lack of policing in this country. I read this morning that a girl of no fixed abode wandering through the woods has broken into the house of some peaceful law abiding bears who were out on their daily walk and she set up camp in their home claiming squatters' rights. Sorry, bears? Is this the story of Goldilocks, Colin? Oh, you'd love to say that crimes are all made up, wouldn't you? It helps you wet,

lifty, liberal, metropolitan elites sleep at night. Speaking of sleep, that's what she did, isn't it Colin? Sleep in their beds. Not sure she should be vilified so much by the press for the crime of being a bit tired. Not before she stole all their food! Those bears were only out to let it cool down. I mean, I'll grant you, most of us would just sit on our phones for five minutes while waiting, or simply blow on it.

But should they be punished we all used to walk in the old days didn't we not an e-scooter or immigrant in sight everything was within 15 minutes a utopia Colin a 15 minute city eh don't you dare try to tell me where i can drive Stalin if i want to drive down a street that for some reason has been gifted to pedestrians, then I will do just that. And in a diesel vehicle if I choose to. Why are these bears eating porridge oats come to think of it and not meat? That seems a bit progressive to me Colin.

Typical do-good-in-climate-change fanatics. What's wrong with eating a wild pig just like your ancestors used to? I bet they made their porridge and left their house not for it to cool down, but to chain themselves to the M25 or chuck a can of soup over a Van Gogh painting. These bears have gone woke and it's our society enabling it. So all parties are in the wrong here. Oh yeah, no blame to the girl whatsoever. She was just exercising her sovereign British

right, achieved through the Brexit wars, to reclaim the land from the enemies of this country. No wonder she fell asleep after they tried to poison her with veganism! Anyway mate, thanks for having me on. Love to the family! Love to the family Colin, love to the family. She chose the middle object each time, a lesson in compromise for us all. Typical bloody centric! the family, she chose the middle object each time, a lesson in compromise for us all. Well it's finally here, your wedding day. I love weddings. I think it's really helpful choosing what to have for dinner seven months in advance. Honestly, it was no issue getting up at 6am to do your hair.

Such a privilege for you. You're lucky I was free. It's not often you can get a hairdresser who's by royal appointment to come to a budget hotel at all. Never mind so early. Yeah, royal appointment. I do the coma patients at the royal infirmary twice a month, so yeah, I am. No need to apologize.

I don't want you feeling stupid on your special day. So what we doing? I saw that photo you sent. Margot Robbie with soft curls. I was howling. I thought, that's what Danny sees in her. A sense of humor. Oh, it was was what you want right right as I say, it's your day sure we can work something out. Oh

My god It's the bridesmaid they look stunning That's what I love about you. You're so used to going unnoticed. You don't even mind being upstaged at your wedding. Show's real character that. Your mum's opening the fizz. 8 a.m., a bit late for her, innit? Pink Prosecco, very glam.

Makes a change from that two quid scotch blend she brushes her teeth with. Oh, none for me, thanks. No, I'm working and I've got pride. I wonder how Danny's feeling this morning. Hungover, I bet. Yeah, I saw him last night in the grapes. Well, unless he's an awful clangor.

That's German for lookalike. Yeah, I spoke to him. Oh, I've never seen him so drunk. He was staggering around like Mick Jagger on hot sand. Some of the stuff he was saying. Oh, I've changed my mind. No, seriously, I have. My feet are warm, so it's not that.

Hilarious. He comes over and he says, Leanne, it was you I wanted. It's only ever been you. I think you're beautiful. I said, oh, give over, Danny. You're so funny and then he started crying and he went off with some girl I didn't catch her name oh gorgeous hair though just like my

go-robert oh don't cry save those tears for the altar actually a quick cry might even your makeup out that's better smile you're the big bride. You've the rest of your life to cry. Probably. It's been an emotional day at the Athletics. I'm here with Johnny Greenhouse who just came agonisingly close in the 300m mixed hopping. Johnny, this is the fourth time you've come fourth in this event. You must be devastated. Yeah, obviously it's disappointing. I really thought I had a chance this year.

You've said that you trained even harder than ever and yet you missed out again. How do you feel? It's obviously not ideal but, you know, in the end I gave it my best shot. You must be very upset. Yeah, of course, but you know in the end I gave it my best shot. You must be very upset. Yeah of course but you know that's professional sport. I've still got a few years ahead of me yet. But you are older than everyone else in the event this year. Do you not feel that perhaps you've wasted your life?

Do you sometimes just want to cry? No, I mean it's hard work obviously but I love what I do and... I've got a message from your parents here who sadly can't be with you today. It says they're very proud of you and they love you very much and they can't wait to see you again. Oh, well that's lovely. They've said you're their brave boy and they're so so proud of you. As I say, that's nice. Feeling tearful?

I mean my family's always been very supportive and... Your pet cat's died! What? Yes, we've just heard that your pet cat, Linford, has just died. Oh. It's very sad. But he was quite old. Your wife's left you! What? Yep, she said she can't stand being married to a loser anymore and she's left you for your coach.

I mean, that is hard to hear, but we have grown apart recently. Look, do you want to be in the montage or not? Sorry? Our viewers love a plucky loser, someone who's dedicated their life to something and failed at the final hurdle and the waterworks just overwhelm them. I...I don't know what to say, it's me job. Okay. Are those onions?

I mean, where did you even get the chopping board from? I use it as a clipboard. Fine, I'll put it away. Thank you. Now, on a lighter note, we've just heard that the closing ceremony will be featuring an appearance from none other than Ed Sheeran! Oh, God! Not Sheeran! Not again! I can't take it, I'm losing my mind First things first, sing rap the verse of others four chords are looped for the rest of the song

I'm rich cause I never have to pay a band, it's actually a pretty smart business plan Screw my label, they can tell me what to do cause I used to be homeless only saying in the tube Learned I can't rap fast if I'm smoking crack, but speaking of smoking crack, there's an angel. I'm imperfect, had a role love with, her eyes shine like stars, cause she maybe has a tiny drug problem, here are some words, for your married friends Instagram captions, baby You'll hear this at weddings for the rest of your life And now I'm rapping really fast again The music industry doesn't get me, man

I meet a pretty girl at a bar Not the club, the bar is different than the club We talk for hours and hours about the sweet and the sour It's not a metaphor, I mean sweet and sour chicken There's so much to unpack, the crispy skin The soft, tender middle and the crispy skin We're both really passionate about Chinese food Then seven hours later, she's my wife

Now, we found perfect, literal love This is my original song So Marvin Gaye, you can suck it baby. We found love at Panda Express. Happy anniversary, Kaylee and Brett. Welcome to Broken News, I'm Jonty Unterboob. A celebrity whose star is on the wane has decided to follow in the footsteps of all other celebrities and branch out into low effort children's books. They've announced that they're starting work on what they've described as a crap rip-off of Roald Dahl. Our reporter, Tempo Vampire, has more.

Yes, thank you, Johnty. Well, this is a momentous day in the world of children's publishing. The huge news that this celebrity will write a kids' book because they think it's the easiest thing they can do after their TV show that you can't remember got canned. We understand the former comedian, who for some reason has a show on Radio 2 now as well, has come up with a colourful cover for the book, has used a slightly rude word that kids giggle at and plans to include an incredibly twee moral lesson about inclusivity. It comes as the former Holby City Extra and I'm A Celebrity 2007 fifth runner up says

they're looking for a new challenge after starting a low effort podcast with a celebrity mate about being a dad or whatever, writing 14 memoirs and publishing a murder mystery for adults that didn't sell very well but has nevertheless been optioned for Amazon Prime because they are after all a bit famous. They've also started putting their name on the label for a really vinegary wine that they would never drink themselves and have no hand in making. On becoming the UK's 7,000th new Celebrity Children's Author this week, the 52-year-old said I've created a generator that comes up with an animal, a bodily function and something

that kids love. I've so far come up with the pussy that sicked up jelly babies, the caterpillar that sharted hot chocolate, and the dinosaur that pooped out Christmas. Oh no, that's actually a real one by them out of McFly. Back to you. Tempo, thank you. What a lovely story. And there is just time to remind you that my first children's book,

The Frog That Ejaculated Donuts, is available now from all good bookstores. That's all from Broken News, you're up to date. Hiya Bimpey, it's Sally here. Yeah, Sally in HR. Just a quick one, just a quick one. I got your email in response to the staff-wide memo we sent out. Which part were you offended by? I'm sure we didn't mean anything by it. I'll bring the memo up now actually. While I'm bringing it up, here's a funny story for you. I went to this new Korean restaurant that's just opened on my high street. They've got something called Bibimbap on the menu. I just kept saying Bibimbap Bim Pae the entire time. I mean, you're not laughing. I'm sure you've heard it before,

but I guess you just had to be there. Okay, got the memo up now. I made a point of keeping it as general as possible. It reads, Dear PlantAcon staff, we ask that henceforth any drastic changes in your appearance will require an update to your intranet profile picture. This is so that colleagues can readily recognise each other, especially colleagues with afro-type hairstyles. Best regards, Sally Longbottom. Okay, which part was quote-unquote offensive? Well, yes, you are currently the only employee with this hair type.

How many? 200. I said 200 employees. I mean, to be fair, there are people who work in the building from agencies and the like, you know, cleaners and the... Hello? Hello? Oh, I think she's hung up. From the visionary who brought you all the president's men, spotlight and the post comes

a new journalistic drama. Mr. Matthews let me finish! I know I'm just a junior reporter and I know that I'm speaking out of turn so forgive me for interrupting But I'll never forgive myself if I didn't Sir, I can't let you kill this story. This story is bigger than you. It's bigger than me It's bigger than every other reporter here at Pop Sugar You and I both know Dua Lipa stunned in low Cut Top at the iHeartRadio Music Awards. So why won't you report it? Pop Sugar is about telling the truth.

It's about keeping America safe. I'm not done. When Rihanna flexed her baby bump in Cabo. When Miley turned heads in Green Bikini. When Zendaya and Tom Holland were major couple goals at basketball game. Who was brave enough to break those stories after the Daily Mail went, ehh? That used to be us.

And to be more specific, that used to be a young pop sugar reporter by the name of John Matthews, that's you, sir. What happened to that reporter? The one who stood for the truth forgive me for assuming incorrectly sir and maybe I'm out of line sir but I was under the assumption that we were running a newspaper with the journalistic principles that says if a B-list celebrity slays serves or yes stuns we are under a moral obligation to tell the people about it so sorry to interrupt

sir a plane has just hit the Empire State building. Let me speak! Dua Lipa's neckline was serving an updated take on 90s camp. I know it, you know it, everyone in that press pool knew it. It's the truth. I saw her stunned. Sir, I saw her stunned. So you know what? Fine, go ahead. Kill the story, fire me, do whatever you want. But know this. Tomorrow morning, millions of Americans, good, hardworking, gay Americans will wake up. They'll go to school, they'll go to work, they'll kiss their wives, and they'll have no idea what Dua Lipa wore. And if you can live with that... Then I quit. Then I quit.

Oh, and I can believe what those ten child stars look like today. They look like adults! Look boss, HR approved it nine months ago, the holiday's non-refundable and I've promised my wife we're going. I'm not working next Saturday, you're just going to have to find cover. We absolutely need you next Saturday, it's essential we've got our best team in. Cancel your holiday and get your priorities in order. I'm happy to do in the week and I can do Friday night out of push but I'm not doing Saturday. That's useless to me Ash, I can't believe you've even booked a holiday over that weekend.

Look, I don't think any of us thought we'd be getting to the FA Cup final, did we? We've been relegation fodder all season, no one saw this coming. Oh, that's the spirit. Well just get some cover in, there's a big old team of us, just put one of them in. You're our first choice keeper. Oh what, so I'm being punished now am I for being best in the team? Nice one. Would it be alright for Tim to go on holiday? Rewarded for being third choice keeper. You should want to play in a final. I want to go to Crete with my wife and kids. I don't want to be working when I'm supposed to be on holiday, rewarded for being third choice keeper. You should want to play in a final. I want to go to Crete with my wife and kids.

I don't want to be working when I'm supposed to be on holiday. If you go to Crete, then I will fine you a month's wages. OK, well I'll just go back to HR then. You're not going. Right, well you can break the news to my wife. PHONE RINGS Hi babe. Hi darling.

Look, Gaffer's got something to tell you. Hi Molly. Yeah, I've just had to explain to Ash here that he is unfortunately needed next Saturday for the FA Cup final. It's a really big game for the whole club and the fans. I'm not being funny, Neil, but the scheduling at your place is a joke. Ash has had to work every Saturday for the past nine months. I think the least you could do is honour his pre-booked holiday and let him have this one off.

It's not that simple, I'm afraid, Molly. It's perfectly simple. Get cover. Tim hasn't worked at Saturday since he joined. What's going on Neil? Because it sounds like workplace favouritism to me. There's no favouritism Molly. Look, Riccardo had nine months off last year on full pay. And you're telling me there's no favouritism? He was recovering from a ruptured ACL.

Oh, maybe I'll rupture my ACL. Sounds nice. I just think as a manager Neil, you need to factor in the personal lives of your employees. Our whole lives should not be revolving around Ash's work. If you can't get enough cover for shifts then maybe you need to think about hiring more staff, or at least rotate them better. I can assure you I will be bringing in more players in the summer. But with all due respect, Molly, seeing as I'm the manager of this football club, I think I might be more equipped

to decide where and when to use my players. I'd say otherwise. OK then. What does my goalkeeper's partner suggest I do then, Molly? Well, assuming you're playing a high line against them like you did in the win back in December, you're going to want more of a sweeper keeper, right? Right. Well we all know Ash is more of a shot stopper.

You know, prefers to stay on his line. My suggestion is, Alves has excelled in the under-23s this season playing as a sweeper. Call him up to the first team and put him in the starting 11. He has the debut of his dreams, you look like a tactical genius and a manager who isn't afraid to put faith in the youth players, and we get to go to Crete. Okay, er, yeah, no, I suppose I'm happy to go for that this week, Molly. Erm, enjoy your holiday. See you at the awards evening.

We're in my bay that weekend. Of course you are. Right, well I'm just glad we got there in the end. I'll go do my warm down. Welcome back to Baby Book Club, everyone. I hope you've had a fruitful week of reading and are ready to discuss our latest piece of classic literature

The very hungry caterpillar a fairly dense read. Yes, but also a rewarding one. So Daisy What did you think of the book? Riveting truly I enjoyed this so much Especially because I've been looking for a good hardback to really sink my teeth into. Hmm. Yeah because you have have been teething. Exactly. I chewed it to bits. I also enjoyed it. I read it as an allegory of corporate greed and the 1%. Ugh. Oh, the resident socialist speaks out again. Well, listen, I just believe in a policy of sharing is caring.

My toys are your toys, an attitude extolled by some great red thinkers like Karl Marx and Elmo. I take your point, carry on. I read it as a commentary on excessive food waste. You know, maybe he wouldn't be so hungry if he didn't just eat the middle bit of everything. There's still most of that apple left. Hmm, yeah, the avarice. It's shocking. He eats better than most of the kids in the UK. That's right. I was reading it and I felt sick to my stomach. Yeah, the greed. It's nauseating. No, well, because my dad was bouncing me on his knee too hard.

But yeah, the greed bit too. Well, I have a less pessimistic view. I really read it as a journey of transformation. The character arc, I thought, was very clear. Oh, but it was a bit on the nose. I mean, I wasn't born yesterday. No, but you were born last week. Yeah, fair, but I have read a lot in that time. Oh, you've read all the genres, have you?

Yeah, you name it. Okay, pop-up books? Yeah. Books that float in the bath? Yes. Oh, fair enough, you really have. I've read all the classics. And now I've even begun my foray into film.

Although I have to say, there's a distinct lack of baby representation on screen. Well, what about Look Who's Talking? Well, that was adults doing the voices of babies and you couldn't get away with that these days. Yeah, I don't think it's controversial to say those roles should have gone to babies. OK, but what about the other one, the baby in the suit? Donald Trump? No, no, the baby who's in charge of that company.

Elon Musk? No, no, no, Boss Baby. Ah. Well, yes, but it's the exception that proves the rule, unfortunately. Anyway, we've gone off topic, but we should have time for one more book discussion, I think. Did you guys read the other one? Yes. No, unfortunately, I pooed myself and had to have a bath.

Okay, not to worry, we'll catch you up. So, good night, Moon. Thoughts? Let me just say this. It put me right to sleep. Well, listening to that and joining us is the Secretary of State. Good morning to you. Hi Nick. So I'm really here to attempt to, at least superficially, robust defence of our position on this legislation. A legislation I won't add, that I am not wholly convinced on myself. For example, Nick, last night I said to my husband, oh god Craig, this bill

is a joke and I'm the poor sod wheeled out for the morning round to deliver the punchline. I'm a sacrificial lamb thrown to the media to destroy. I didn't get into politics to defend this crap and no Craig, not tonight, I am not in the mood. But obviously I'm not going to say any of that to you Nick, for my objective is to wholeheartedly defend this legislation in a way that isn't mocked either by you or by the wider public on a social media platform later on. Well let's be clear what that means. Of course, Nick. To be clear, I'm going to really try and not be clear so that we both get so lost in the waffle that I am spouting that you hopefully have trouble locating the holes

in the logic of what I am saying. And when you try and swerve me, of course, with an interjection, I'm going to keep talking on one long run-on sentence so that when you want to ask a question I'll be able to say... Can I just ask you what it might mean? Can you just let me finish Nick and drive my sentence through getting louder, getting quicker with such force towards a destination I do understand and can talk about with some assurance? Because Nick, as I sobbed to my spad this morning which was doubly humiliating because as everyone in Westminster knows, we are also sexually involved. This is not a topic that I really myself understand.

I was saying this morning, Jim, tell me something, explain it to me, I don't know what it is. What if I'm asked this or that? And do you want to meet in a hotel later? No, not that place again, Jim. The bathrooms are much too small. And in conclusion to all that Nick, I'm going to pivot away to what I want to talk about that can be clipped up for my own socials later. What is happening today? Well when asked what is happening today, I like to ask what is happening in the future. See Nick, that is me rounding up the interview with quite an expert pivot because I've got one eye on the clock and I know you

have to cut to the sport and lo, my career has survived another interview. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you Nick. POV was written and performed by Kylie Brakeman, The Exploding Heads, Rachel Fairburn, Matt Green, Rosie Holt, Charlene Kayitt, Kelechi Okafor, Larry and Paul, Morten, Mark and Fry, The Squid and Ed Nightingale. It was produced by Ed Morish and was a Led Mojo production for BBC Radio 4. I'm Andrew Hunter-Murray, host of The Naked Week, a brand new Friday night comedy for Radio 4.

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to test the strength of its opinions. Three, two, one. The Naked Week from BBC Radio 4. Listen now on BBC Sounds.