Comedy of the Week - Sunil Patel: An Idiot's Guide to Bagging an Heiress

Episode Date: February 10, 2025

Comedian and Broadcaster Sunil Patel invites you to join him in his new get-rich-quick scheme by marrying an Heiress. In this episode, Sunil meets with a premium dating agency, learns how to conduct himself on a date with an etiquette coach and goes on a megadate.Written and Performed by Sunil Patel With Additional Material from Charlie Dinkin, Em Humble and Benjamin Sutton Featuring Helen Bauer Sound Design and Mix by Andy Goddard Produced by Laura Shaw and Benjamin SuttonA Daddy’s SuperYacht Production for BBC Radio 4

Hello, I'm Sinor Patel, broadcaster, comedian, actor and this year I was on a leaked long list for Strictly Come Dancing. I didn't actually get booked for the show or anything, but I did start learning the Passo Doble. Alone, obviously. Shame on you, the Matro, for your shoddy reporting and for getting my hopes up. In the last series of this show I tried to get rich by investing my time, energy and the BBC's money into cryptocurrency. It didn't go great, I still live with my landlord who hates me and my net worth is currently one Toyota Yaris but this time I've got a new money making scheme that even I can definitely pull off. scheme that even I can definitely pull off. Buckle up losers, this is an Idiot's Guide to building a power washing empire. Hello?

Hello, hi there. I'm just going door to door. Okay, thank you. No, no, no, I've got a power washer. You're doing power washing? No, I'm not offering to wash anything. I just wondered if you'd like to have a go on it for a fiver? My strategy was to find bored middle-aged men who would think, have a go on a power washer for a fiver? What a bargain.

Why not? But so far, no one had taken me up on it. Hello? Hi. Hello, hi. I'm just going door to door. My name's Sunil Patel, and I've got this power washer. Sorry, no.

Sorry, Sunil Patel? Yeah, got this, I've got a power washer. Sorry, no. Sorry, Sunil Patel? Yeah, from the Strictly Come Dancing long list. Sunil, it's me, Lisa F***. Oh my god, hey, how are you? Yeah, well, it's been ages. Lisa and I did improv together a few years ago. She wasn't very good, so I surprise you now, it's such a massive house. So how do you live here now?

Well, I got married and my husband is... Really rich? Yeah, you could say that. Suddenly my mind was in overdrive. Here I was with an extremely ahead of its time and therefore not very profitable power wash business when really there was a much quicker way to make money. Lisa managed it just by marrying rich. So, unbuckle from earlier and buckle up again listeners because this

is now an Idiot's Guide to Bagging an Heiress. I love all women equally, but particularly the 46% of Britain's millionaires that are women. And those women are making new women all the time. I saw an opportunity to go after a growing market. My plan was simple. Find a wealthy woman, brackets single. Charm her, brackets naturally. Wed brackets lavishly. And then live an amazing life, brackets champagne, bentleys and apres ski.

Close brackets. Oh more brackets. I can't ski. So the apres is really the only bit I'm interested in, close brackets. Sorry, but like how do you think you're going to charm anyone? My landlord Helen had her doubts. You are the most charmless man I have ever met. You have to be reminded to ask me how I am, how's my day.

I go, how's your day? I don't care how my landlord is, do I? I'm talking about real women who are out there. I'm... How am I not a real woman? Obviously I'm a real woman. You live with me, you see my things drying. You don't count, I'm... how am I not a real woman? Obviously I'm a real woman. You live with me. You see my things drying. You don't count. I'm talking about ARS's.

For someone whose dating history is as empty, and can I say it, I've said it now, bleak, as yours, to think that you can jump to an ARS, that is madness. I typed date rich woman straight into Google and clicked on the top result. A Reddit page where rich women were complaining about not being able to find a man. So the odds were looking good. I replied to every single post saying, I would, but got nothing in return. Time for plan B. I emailed Charlotte Ball, who runs one of London's most exclusive matchmakers, Bond the Agency.

We met at the Bluebird Cafe in Chelsea, where I ordered one tap water and explained my very specific needs. So what if the person coming to you isn't trying to find love per se but is looking for something specific? So what would that be? Just a good good financial base. Okay well we don't match people on on financial basis. Oh really, you don't look at their finances at all? We definitely look at their finances but we wouldn't want to be matching someone just because they had a lot of money. Because they're independently wealthy, they probably don't mind if their partner

doesn't really bring home much money? I mean, a lot of people are wanting an equal. I've gotta be honest with you, they are really wanting an equal. And I don't think people really wanna be sort of taken advantage of. No, no, no. I guess I'd be marketing myself as a sort of pet.

A pet? I'd just be marketing myself as a sort of, I guess the same role as a- Like a Tamagotchi? Yeah, like a Tamagotchi or a small dog. A small dog? Just like poshering about the house. Nice to have a bout.

Nice to have a bout, okay. Gets fed and watered. But is essentially allowed to- Walked? Do you like to be walked as well? I can walk myself. You can walk yourself? Okay fine. I prefer to walk myself. Good. And you check in on people after they've been on dates. Yeah of course that's the whole process. So we check in so when you guys book in a date we'll give you a call the next day. Yeah. We'll get your feedback. We'll also give you their feedback as well so there's no ghosting or anything like that. Oh really? Does that mean sometimes you have to dump people? Well you know what we can have those awkward conversations if there isn't a

connection there and there's no sort of spark and you need that sort of middle person well then we are your go-to people to do that for you. We take any of the awkwardness away and have that conversation so So you don't need to do that. We can do that for you. You're worth every penny. We're worth every single penny. Unless they're dumping me. Unless that, well, who would dump you?

It's what I was thinking. Charlotte reluctantly agreed to ask if any of their high society clients would be interested in meeting me. But first I needed to brush up on my table manners, something I've never considered before because I don't own a table. I eat my meals out to the container they were delivered in, on the sofa while scrolling

Instagram and watching TV, like a normal person. I decided to hire an etiquette coach, but almost immediately things went wrong. Right, do I say full name? Do I go full name? Why don't we try it? Okay. Oh, hello. I'm Sunil Kumar Dinesh Patel.

Okay. Who are you? I'm Jo Bryant. I'm an etiquette tutor for the English Manor. Lovely to meet you. Okay. Who are you? I'm Jo Bryant. I'm an etiquette cheater for the English Manor. Lovely to meet you. Okay, great. Did that go well? It was okay.

Maybe Sinel will be a bit catchier. We're not meeting for business. We're meeting for potentially a drink or dinner or something. Was it dinner or drinks you were? It was dinner. It was dinner. Yeah. How am I supposed to behave on dates with sort of rich women?

Yes, I think you need to be aware of boundaries at the beginning of the date. After all, remember etiquette is about how we make other people feel. First of all, it's obviously good manners to be on time. Okay, and is there like, could I not make an excuse and say like my bus was late? Well, you could, but they'll also still think that you haven't really spent enough time

planning your journey and getting there. Planning it, right, of course. So if you wanna make someone else feel valued, which is a good point of etiquette and good manners, you want to be on time, allow plenty of time. And then you want to bust into a little bit of small talk. What would be your go-to small talk? Sorry, I'm late.

Some of the buses, they terminated a bit early, so I had to get off the bus, wait for the next one, and then argue with the driver because I'd already paid for the journey. Okay, stop there, because you've already lost me. Okay. So the thing with small talk, there's a special word the journey. Okay, stop there, because you've already lost me. Okay. Okay. So the thing with small talk, there's a special word in there that gives you a hint, right? Small talk. Right.

And also, I mean, it doesn't need to become bore talk as well. So if you were to sit down at the table stand and there was lots of cutlery on the table, do you know which sets of cutlery you'd want to use first? The biggest ones. Well no. So when you look at the table, so you've always worked outside inwards and that doesn't matter whether you're having a seven course banquet or just a three course meal. If you ask for some bread as well, you often have a side plate to the left hand side of

the plate setting. And again, you want to be eating that quite quickly. No. Oh, right. Don't take the full bread roll. No. Break it off the main, break it off, right, take the bread roll onto my plate. No. No, leave the bread roll there?

Well, you can keep it sort of touching the plate, but you don't want to be waving it around, because crumbs spray everywhere. Crumbs spray. Because another good point of dining etiquette is to remember we want to be neat and tidy. How many bread rolls can I have? I think just one is enough.

And of course the most polite thing to do is butter your date's bread. Would you want someone touching your bread rolls? It think just one is enough. And of course the most polite thing to do is butter your dates bread. Would you want someone touching your bread rolls? It depends who it is. I mean if you're struggling with dinner maybe you need to downgrade to just drinks on first dates just to get a bit more practice in. A week later, Bond the Agency, due to no fault of their own, still hadn't found anyone willing to go out with me, but I wanted to get some practice in.

I decided it was time to leverage my minor celebrity by posting an advert to my 4,454 Instagram followers. Exciting opportunity to date a rising comedy star. Me has been on Celebrity Pointless, did a nasal spray advert, and I have a power washer, obviously. You, available on Wednesday night in central London, happy to go halves. Three people replied. I said yes to them all. I didn't want to go to dinner because now I was terrified of eating bread wrong, so I planned the most exciting possible date I could find on Groupon. Have you ever had a date in an escape room before?

Yeah, but not with all of the other dates. That's true. It's what makes it more fun. First dates are famously inefficient so I've devised a dating system called the Mega Date. All three females would date me at once. It saves them time, it saves me time. It's actually very respectful. That's really rude. Well I don't know, I think it's normal. To date three women at the same time? It's going to be you three and me because obviously then we can get it all done very quickly and it doesn't have to be three hours of escape room.

We can just do one sort of session and then... We've never done that. No, new experience. I had a group job interview once. They didn't seem so sure, but once we were inside the escape room, the chat was absolutely electric. Yeah, but the air conditioning blew up yesterday, so that's going to cost me about 800 quid.

Oh, wow. That's good. Yeah, I know. They basically they put a lot of gas in it and I was outside my barber's house yesterday getting my haircut after I got my haircut and it just blew up. It just popped. So I had to drive an hour and a half in the heat with no air conditioning. I was trying to listen to some pretty off-color podcasts so I had to have the windows up all the way in case people heard. It was the perfect atmosphere to spark a connection, all three. We were working together solving problems

and crucially I was in charge of the walkie talkie. Oh look we've got 47 seconds to enter a password. What are you meant to do with those ethernet cables? Oh, yes. Can we just have the code, please? You got me the code. Is that what you wanted? No, like, please. The solution to any escape room is to use the walkie talkie to get them to give you the answers, but I was the only one clever enough to figure that out. I wasn't there just to escape the room, though.

I had a secret agenda. Jo had given me one very useful piece of advice and it was time to put it into action. How do I find out how rich they are? Okay. I think it's probably something you're going to have to ask questions around if you're that desperate to find out without asking them directly. That's what most of us do. Right.

We'll have a conversation and some of the pointers in conversation may give you a hint on what their life is like. Oh, that's good. Yeah, it might not tell you their bank balance, and you shouldn't really be that bothered. I'm not, really. But I was. I saddled up to Mega Date Participant 1, aka Claire.

How many bathrooms have you got in your house? There's the upstairs bathroom, which is one bathroom, and then you've got a separate toilet and a bath shower. So actually, no, sorry. So there's two toilets and two baths. So it's two bathrooms. How big's your brother's house? He actually owns a chateau.

Your brother owns a chateau? Next, I probed Megadate Participant 2, aka Laura, about her hobbies. Do you ski? You don't ski? Why are you skiing then? Just wondering what kind of hobbies you have. And finally, Mega Date Participant 3, aka Jen, had some great tax advice for me.

There's like different ones, there's like capital expenditures. This is really boring. Are we declaring financial assets? No. We escaped the room. And while I haggled with the front desk about the validity of my group on voucher, the Mega Date participants gave anonymous feedback on my performance. Well, it was supposed to be anonymous, but I know what their voices sound like, don't I? To be fair, he didn't really seem like he was having fun. He was like, uh, can we just have the co, please? He was not there to have fun.

Oh, was he? Maybe he was secretly assessing us. Why did he take us to an escape room if he didn't like escape rooms? It didn't really feel like a date. I definitely didn't feel like he was focusing on me or I think any of us at any point. He was sort of focusing on the task. Occasionally he was talking to you. He wasn't really talking to us much.

So yeah, the more I think about it now, I'm going to mark it down a bit. I thought he was trying to feel me out to see if I could like support him as like a gold digger baby. Oh! Yeah, because he was asking me about my financial assets. Oh. And how to evade taxes. Uh... Ow! I guess he didn't ask you guys about it. He asked how big my father's house was for example.

Oh, my God! How big my brother's and my parents's house was for himself. Oh my god! He asked how big my brother's and my parents' house was as well. Exactly! I got very excited when he found out my brother lives in a chateau. That's why he asked about skiing! Okay, right. Because that's something that rich people do.

Makes sense now! Nobody agreed to a second mega date, but I felt ready to date some really rich women now. The thing is, I knew I would have to meet them on their own turf. So join me next time as I enter the Dark Heart, the Death Star, the Hellmouth of wealthy womanhood. That's right, we're going fracking for poshos in Chelsea. You've listened to An Idiot's Guide to Bagging and Air-Rest, written and performed by me, Sunil Patel, with additional material from Charlie Dinkin and M Humble. The producers were Laura Shaw and Benjamin Sutton and it was a Daddy Superyacht production for BBC Radio 4. And a shout out and my sincerest apologies to all ladies.

Thank you. From BBC Radio 4, this is What Seriously? I'm Dara O'Brien. And I'm Izzy Suttie. And in our new series, we're bringing you short stories and tall tales. What Seriously? is packed with real life strange but true stories that make you go What Seriously? and provide you with excellent social ammo to impress your friends. The twist is we don't know how each story unfolds and we'll have to figure it out one fragment at a time with our special guests who each have a mysterious connection to the tale.

That's right. I am your spy expert. And I don't really want to bring you back to the real facts of the story because you're making me laugh so much, but I feel like I should. We're the only country in the world that eats the animal on our crest, like... And I never know whether to feel terrible or brilliant about that. All these engineers trying desperately to reduce the amount of dust in space and you get Izzy taking up a balloon full of glistening. Wow! You're welcome. I've had that one at the house. You've come up with all the stuff you have.

I know, right? It's like I'm reading from a sheet or something, but no, I haven't. Hahaha! Join us for What's Seriously? from BBC Radio 4. Available now on BBC Sounds.