Comedy of the Week - Sunil Patel: An Idiot's Guide To Living Forever

Episode Date: July 20, 2026

Comedian Sunil Patel is trying to make a documentary that young people will like. It’s sexy, it’s vice, it’s Hunter S. Thompson, but he’s already completely blowing it. Listen to Sunil embarrass himself on national radio and be forced to change tack immediately.This is the first episode of this series. To hear more episodes, search "Sunil Patel: An Idiot's Guide To Living Forever" on BBC Sounds. Starring Sunil PatelFeaturing Helen BauerWritten by Sunil Patel, Charlie Dinkin, Em Humble and Benjamin SuttonProduced by Benjamin Sutton and Laura ShawA Daddy’s SuperYacht Production for BBC Radio 4

Hello again. I'm Sunil Patel, broadcaster, actor, comedian, banking advert style Lexus owner, and I once got fired from the BBC Asian Network in a stairwell. Why am I telling you this? To establish more credentials. And to let you know that, like other great documentaries, such as Ben A Herzog, Nick Broomfield and a girl one, probably, I'm a cool guy who's lived a life. If you followed my award-ignored journey towards self-betterment over the last two series, you'll know that I started by delving into the world of cryptocurrency before charming my way into the upper classes. So now I've knocked money on the head,

then went mad with power, which leaves only one possible option to complete the trilogy. Sex. Welcome to Sunil Patel, an idiot's guide to becoming a sex god. I began my sexual odyssey on WhatsApp, because you can go on WhatsApp lying down, by texting every man I know with an ear piercing

to see if they had any intel about how to get into one of those underground Orgies you used to see on Euro Trash after your parents had gone to bed. Sure, you'd have to watch with the sound turned right down, but I think we can all agree it was worth it. I was certain it wouldn't be long before one of those rat-tailed baristas texted me back at what three words with the location of some of the grottiest front rooms that Middle England has to offer. Why are you doing this?

As usual, my landlord Helen was less than enthusiastic. Where's the trilogy, isn't it? Money, power, sex. That's how it finishes. Yeah, but sex, I don't know, it's just a bit sleazy. This is journalism. It's what young people like. You can't do a show about sex with young people? No, no, no, not with.

I'm having sex for young people. You are going to look like a purve on the BBC. Thankfully, there's no better place. After a top secret initiation process of being forwarded an Evite by a part-time librarian I once met as a comedy gig, I was able to secure myself a one-way ticket to the inner circle of debauchery. Quench is a play party, which Google assured me as either a gathering to engage in BDSM

or a 19th century folk dance. Obviously, I sincerely hoped it was the former because the last time I did the electric slide, I split my trousers zipped to ass and, at least according to my auntie, completely ruined my cousin's wedding. I'd been given the green light to attend, but I didn't want to embarrass myself,

so I dressed to blend in. Hi, I'm here for the party, wink. The party, I got you. I love what you've done with the outfit. This is a little bit more of a casual affair. But you look great. Are you comfortable? Yeah, I got my trainers on.

You're perfect. Fit check. Full body, skin tight jumpsuit, bracket, black PVC. Village people style chauffeur hat, nipple chains, and a fresh pair of new balanced trainers. I've got plantar fasciitis and Achilles tendinitis, so I do need the balance.

I guess what I'm trying to do is like trying to become really good at sex. Okay, yeah, yeah. This is definitely a place for boarding a connection. There is absolutely no sex at this party. There's absolutely no physical contact unless you ask to consent to hug somebody. We've got people who are aligned on the fetish kink scene, but at this kind of a party it's much more about conversation and connection than it is about any sort of physical activities. So if I do well at this one, can I come to the sex dungeon party?

But I do well. If you make friends and you are a part of the scene in the community, you are welcome to buy a ticket to our next event at all of our larger scale spicy events we do much more thoroughbetting than even this i'd been tricked this wasn't a sex free for all it wasn't even a sex free for one because you had to pay entrance on the door turns out you really had to get to know people before they'd agree to sleep with you and these hippies were much more interested in the boring work of creating a safe space for their members if i wanted to get an invite to the actual sex party i'd have to make small talk which i hate if people don't like my personality how do i game the system there is no game

If you've either got game or you don't. I chafed my way deeper into the party to see if I could score myself the genuine conversation I needed to enter the dungeon. So listen, I'm on a mission to be truly great at sex. Is this a good way of doing it? Okay, if that's your mission, I would recommend communicating with people that you're having sex with. That's how you get better at sex. You just insert yourself into this type of space, then it's like, I'm going to do the sex and get better at it. You're not going to get very far, my friends.

Time and again the group highlights good vibes in human connection over spanking and another sex thing, I don't know, hand jobs. The mood was more book club than Burgheim but called me sexy Sully because I was determined to land this sexy plane at any cost. Let's say you come to one of these parties and then you, at the end of the night,

you haven't had sex with anyone. Is that normal or a regular experience for people? Very regular. I went to party yesterday and I just chatted to football all the time. Went to club, sorry. It's actually remarkably hot. Something terrible was happening. My vision was blurry and my heart was racing for all the wrong reasons. After spending 45 minutes of my increasingly warm pleathers, something came over me. Not like that.

And I collapsed. I'm having a heart attack, isn't it? I've got some water. Yeah, water would be nice in me. Yeah, yeah. Maybe you can get this off you as well. Not really in the move right anymore, to be honest. It's not really what I meant. I think you need to take off this outfit. I think it's constricting your airwaves. I was 100% sure I'd had an undiagnosed heart attack. Luckily,

I had my GP Dr Jetta on speed dial. So tell me a bit more about what you were doing at the sex party. I was just sort of having to sit down. I wasn't even doing anything. Right. You had anything like this before? I sat on a stool in a prep the other day. Yep.

And then I got up, but my whole groin was numb. So you're compressing a nerve. That's not a heart attack. That's not a heart attack. But I was just jabbing it like that and I couldn't feel anything. And how about exercise? size. Honestly, just when I moved my weights from one room to the other, was it? Right. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Can I just have a quick listen to your heart?

Absolutely, yeah. And check your blood pressure. And does blood pressure change if I'm nervous or... Well, if you are nervous, it's not making it depressed your blood pressure. It doesn't sound like cardiac pain to me. Great. Yeah. So I don't think you were having a heart attack. Perhaps it's the environment. Perhaps you had a bit of acid reflux from the suit. You know, contracting over you. It's possible. Yeah. But I don't think it's card yet.

This was brilliant news. I had long suspected I was one of the healthiest guys alive. Sometimes I think people are just messing with this stuff too much, honestly. How can exercise be good for you when it makes you want to cry? However, your blood tests are pretty good. The bit which I'm most concerned about is your cholesterol. If you are of South Asian descent, then we've got to be particularly careful about your risk factors for cardiovascular disease.

But there may be stuff you're doing in your diet as well to increase your cholesterol. So normally I'd go for the meal deal for two. So that'd be a lamb teeka masala. That's one of them. A butter chicken, one of them sort of like a dessert curry that. And then Bombay aloo. Right. I'd also get the chana masala as well because that's healthy.

Right. The sagaloo as well, because the spinach is healthy. And this is all for you? It will last longer than you think. It's not just one meal. Okay. I lied. It was one meal.

I ate it all. And then lay awake in bed thrashing around until 3 a.m. I was thinking about what I'd be ordering tonight when Dr. Jetta came at me with the bad news. But I don't think we should hang around too long because your cardiovascular risk, it's about 20%. So that means that in a... next 10 years, there's probably a two in 10 chance that you're going to have some kind of cardiovascular event. Stroke or heart attack are probably, you know, the most frequent ones. Two in 10? That's basically one in five. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It sounded like

Dr Jetta was saying that I, Sunil D Patel was eventually going to die. In a state of pure panic, I asked him what he was eating to remain alive. I tend to have things. like oats or yoghut and fruit. Really? Yeah, genuinely. Genuinely. Every day? Yeah, pretty much.

I might have a bowl of cereal at the weekends. Okay. Serial as a treat? As a treat, yeah. I felt sick to my stomach. I'd always assumed I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, with zero consequences. If that wasn't possible, what's the point of anything?

And I was going to die! Dr Jetta said I shouldn't go to any more sex parties, which was a relief. But with the news of my image, imminent death, I was finding it hard to concentrate on anything. Even my podcast, which like any podcast, usually requires zero thought or effort, was suffering. Welcome back to The Rest is the Diary of a landlord experience. I'm Sunil Patel. I'm a long term. Sorry, why am I here? Helen, just do it, please. Helen's my landlord. Today we're going to talk about how much protein powder

is in the cupboards, how it takes up space or something. I know that angers you, Helen, Well, it takes up space physically, but for me, mentally it's taken up a lot of space. We've got free shelves, all of its protein. He doesn't even need it. He doesn't like the taste. Oh, let's stop. This is a point. I'm too depressed.

What, you're depressed because of your cholesterol. Yeah, because I'm going to die, Helen. Look at me. Everything dies apart from lobsters because lobsters can live forever. Really? Mm-hmm. I heard it on a podcast. So that must be true.

My senses were tingling. Is it possible that the humble lobster, holds the secret to eternal life. Why were more people not talking about this? I discovered a tiny glimmer of hope in a sea of, at least around the UK, mostly sewage. I hopped on a call with lobster savant,

Chris Weston at the National Lobster Hatchery to find out what he knew about what lobsters know about not dying. So they have an enzyme called telomerase, which essentially helps cap the end of chromosomes so the chromosomes don't denature the way that a lot of other animals do. So theoretically, they can replenish those cells

and replenish that DNA undamaged and theoretically live ever. So you're saying that somewhere in the middle of the ocean there can be like a 10,000-year-old lobster that's like a super genius, which is why you haven't caught him? It's not impossible, no. Do they kill each other? They're cannibals right from day one. Really?

So brothers and sisters, they're all fair game. They will eat other lobsters if they can get hold of them. Do you think lobsters are the creation of God or the devil? Because I'm thinking immortality is like that's God, but red and claws and eating your brother. and sisters, that's probably devil. Yeah, they're probably a creation of a lot of natural evolution over a long period of time. What have you learned from lobsters in your time? Have you learned anything that you apply to your own life? I've learned that things maybe best not to do, like cannibalism.

So if I basically just keep myself to myself, happy with my own company and eat other people, but we'll circle back to that. All of that, will that make me live for longer? I think it's probably unlikely. You are, as much as you can try and live the lifestyle. I think your human DNA might be the barrier here. That's the thing, Chris, you know, you don't think about these things. And then someone tells you you've got, like, slightly elevated cholesterol and you're going to die. And you're not going to get to the end of, you know, reading that book or, you know, go, I want to go and see some jousting.

I suppose, yeah, I can see your concerns. I suppose it would be the same if you were a lobster, too, in a way. I mean, you wouldn't know how heavy that shell's going to get. Yeah, that shell's feeling pretty heavy right now, man, you know? I was despondent, which means sad. I found myself loitering at fish markets, staring at these poor little guys in the tanks. They could theoretically live forever, but instead they were stuck in their circumstances.

One particularly delicious-looking one seemed to be staring back at me. It's deep, timeless, black, beady little eyes peering into my soul. I knew I had to do something. Get back, get back, I've got lobster, I'm commandeering this lobster. I'm taking this lobster. I'm taking it. I raced down the street, lobster in hand. I didn't know where we were going, but I knew one thing. This lobster needed to live.

Before long, like a tourist leaving the Shrek experience, I found myself sweaty and discombobulated on the banks of the River Thames. Goodbye, Reginald Lobster. Now, live for both of us. As I watched Reginald Lobster float away, I couldn't help but feel a sense of hope. Not for the lobster, it fully got sucked up into the jets of an Uber boat, but I had a new sense of purpose.

All my life, people have told me, no, you can't park there, you can't have sex at the sex party, you can't live forever. But I refuse. I will not go gentle into that good night, Dylan Thomas! I put my dreams of bonking my way to the top of side and set out in search of a new goal, immortality. Welcome to an idiot's guide to living forever. Did you just chuck a lobster in the 10th?

You went, what? Did you just chuck a lobster in the 10th? tells. I'm doing a thing. I'm having a, I'm having a revelation here. That's Leering. What are you on back?

They live in there. They're not native to central London. It's really bad actually that. Well, you don't understand. I'm going to live forever. Not once I get down then. I'm going to back you, mate. You've been listening to Sunil Patel,

an Idiot's Guide to Living Forever, starring me, Sunil Patel with Helen Bauer. Written by Sinul Patel, Charlie Dinkin, M Humble and Benjamin Sutton. The producers of Benjamin Sutton and Laura Shaw, and it's a Daddy's Super Yop production for BBC Radio 4. Attention, animal lovers, haters and undecideds. A little birdie, a tit, told me that you're looking for a podcast just like evil genius, but without all those stupid humans.

I'm Russell Kane, waddling onto your feed and squawking about my show, evil animals. Every episode, I'm joined by two human guests, or as I like to call them, ex-monkeys, passing judgment on all the creepiest crawlies and the biggest elephants in the room. Are vampire bats, terrifying giant mosquitoes, are bottlenose dolphins, sex-obsessed savages, and we're going there. Domestic cats, evil or genius? Pig out on evil animals in the evil genius podcast feed,

first on BBC Sounds.