Comedy of the Week - The 13 Million Club

Episode Date: March 17, 2025

More than 13 million people in this country can be classed as disabled, often in ways we don’t think or talk about – sometimes in ways which even they are not fully conscious of. The spectrum of mental and physical disability is far wider than most of us have ever thought about. It’s an elephant in the room - we can all see it (unless we’re visually impaired) but none of us talk about it (unless we have Tourette Syndrome).If you’re uncomfortable with these jokes, don’t worry, this show isn’t always going to be comfortable. But it will be subversive, celebratory, and absolutely unlike anything else you’ve ever heard on the radio – or, very likely, anywhere else.Under the stewardship of sassy American import, Spring Day, The 13 Million Club brings together a remarkable range of talents and a collection of fresh perspectives in a smorgasbord of stand-up and spiky consumer pieces.From dwarfism to Parkinson’s, via cystic fibrosis, hearing loss, Tourette’s, life in a wheelchair and more besides, we laugh at and with our spectacular cast, which includes Paul Sinha, Will Robbins, Esther Manito and Jess Thom. While they laugh at the attitudes of others, and the madness of a world which is struggling to catch up with - let alone accommodate - them.Produced by Lianne Coop and Mark Watson. An Impatient production for BBC Radio 4.

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Hello and welcome to the 13 million club. I'm your host, Spring Day, and this is the sound of my voice. I'm not saying my voice is nasal, but I have been told my voice is very soothing by many Australians. We're so happy to have you here at the 13 million club so-called because at least 13 million people in the UK are disabled and yet over half of Britons claim they don't know any disabled people and I'm not surprised. As you can clearly see on this Radio 4 show I have cerebral palsy that affects the right side of my body and I once had a colleague whose desk was right next to mine for five years. For five years she

sat right next to me before she turned to me and said you know what Spring I didn't realize you were disabled till just now. So that's okay. I never thought of you as observant or particularly bright. Now the 13 Million Club is a showcase of some of the UK's best comedians, actors and performers that just so happen to be members of this little club. And since we made the pilot, the estimate has actually gone up to 16 million. We're not allowed to change the name though. So every time I say 13 million, feel free to shout 16!

16! But you might be asked to leave. Before we move on, I wanna tell you a little bit about myself. I've been living in the UK for eight years, but I am American, not proudly so. And the reason for that is, is I once saw an American tourist in London say to her husband, look honey, it says TK Maxx. In America we call it TJ Max.

Our cultures are so different. After that, I was like, forget it. I'm telling people I'm Polish. Like a lot of Americans, before I moved here, I romanticized you guys quite a bit. I think it's your accent. I know technically you all have different ones but back then you all sounded the same to me. You all sound like you finished school. You know how Americans are

obsessed with their family trees and shit? A while back I went to Cardiff for the first time. Day before I left I just happened to be talking to my dad who lives in the States over the phone. I said, I'm going to Wales tomorrow. He goes, you know, I've been doing some research. Turns out most of our family's from Wales. I said, okay. That's nice. Next day I get on the train, walk outside Cardiff Station, two o'clock on a Tuesday afternoon, and the first thing

I see is a lady weanin' the street. I thought, well, I'll be. We are Welsh. I want to be very clear. My cerebral palsy means I can't use the right side of my body very well, but I really want to be clear about this. I have never, ever let cerebral palsy hold me back. It just did. Growing up with cerebral palsy was interesting. I remember one day in high school chemistry I was doing an experiment in the back of the classroom

when suddenly my arm I whipped it up and around because my bra strap was falling down but when I did that I knocked over 12 brand new glass beakers every single one of them shattered on the floor and and my teacher, Mr. Morgan, sitting at the front of the classroom, marking papers, looks up and goes, hey, which one of you numbskulls is breaking my stuff? Me, sir. Is that you, Spring?

Yes, sir. Well, that's okay. Don't you worry about a thing. You just keep doing the best that you can. After that, I just started breaking stuff for fun. Burned down a school building. Teachers come running out, Spring, what are you doing? My best.

You guys seem like an amazing crowd. Are you ready for your first act? Yeah! Please give a warm round of applause for Will Robbins. Hello. Hello. Lovely. My name's Will. I'm for the purpose of the radio.

I am under five foot tall. I'm four foot 10, two inches shorter than Kylie Minogue. Considering wearing some heels. I'm gonna just talk about jobs, various jobs that I've done. Every time I start an office job, someone from HR will approach me. They will say something like,

can we make any adjustments? Can we make any adjustments? Can we make any adjustments at all? As they look me up and down. And I will just say, yes you can. The salary. And a couple of zeros on it. I feel like I can get away with a little bit more with HR. I do know that.

I'm a cheeky chappy. Oh, you little cheeky chappy. HR will be like, who's been cooking fish in that bloody microwave again? I'll be like, yeah, it was me. HR will be like, oh, okay, no problem, Will. I'm just there with my heroin and mackerel tuna pate.

Ah, ah. Smearing fish oil all over the walls. Then HR's like, he's so creative. It's not fair, but you got to pay the cards you're dealt. I got an email the other day from a stranger. It said, would you like to go on a stag do for some money because you're short? It's basically, this is a service, didn't know it existed. You can hire a short dude to tag along on your stag do.

Baffled me. So I sort of replied, I said, no, thank you. They said, if you change your mind, check out our website. Quite a NAF entertainment company. Now there's a list of rules if you were to hire a short dude for your stag. Rule number one, please do not pick up or throw the dwarves.

Why is that written down? Something terrible has happened. Something very upsetting. Fun fact, the only time you can pick up a short person is if they need help doing a line of cocaine off a mantelpiece. Get consent first. Don't just pick them up like a Dyson handheld.

Go on, son. Yeah, go on, son. There you go, son. Oh, Mr. Beatty. I'm on this website, going through, son. There you go, son. There you go, son. Oh, Mr. B. I'm on this website, going through the rules. Rule number two, it said, please try to remember the word midget may be deemed offensive by your dwarf. I don't have time to go through what's wrong with this.

First of all, we don't use the word midget. It's okay if you didn't know that. It's all good. I didn't know that. My whole family's average height. First I met a short person, I said, hell, do I call you dwarf or midget? And they were like, just call me Nigel. Um, I'm on this website, and there was a doppelganger tab.

Clicked onto that, and you could hire a short dude who looks similar to someone. First one I saw, Mini Putin. And I saw the picture, it was a short dude stripped to the waist riding a Shetland pony. Take my money, take all of the money I've ever had. I don't agree with this website, you know, it's dated, it's degraded. I went back to the lady, I said, look, I've been on the website, I'm shocked that it still exists, it's 2025 now. You know, I said, it's dated.

You know, putting short people in danger is risky. What's happening here? I think you should take it down, it's disgusting. How much do you even pay these short people to do it? She said, I give them 500 quid a night. I said, well, why didn't you say that at the beginning? 500 quid, put it in the subject. Shoot me, I have a cannon by the end of the day for that.

Fantastic. My name's Will Robbins. Back to your host, Spring Day. Thank you. Fantastic. I am so excited. Our next act you might have heard on the radio before or seen on one of your many, many screens, including TV. But you probably did not know that she is a member of our club.

She's one of our newest members. So please give a big warm round of applause for Esther Manito. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. Hi, hi, hi, hi. You, hello. Hi, hi, hi. You're probably looking at me thinking, well, why is she here on this bill tonight?

The reason why is because very recently, I completely lost my hearing in my right ear. Completely lost it, yeah. It's gone, yeah. Couldn't get near the BBC before. Couldn't get anywhere before. No, no, couldn't get anywhere near it before. No, now I've lost my hearing, they're like,

come in, Trico, tell us all about it. What's that, 50% deaf and 50% Arab? My God, that's 100% of diversity higher, right there, darling. It's crazy though, because I lost my hearing in my right ear, and I've also started to lose my vision in my right eye. It's like the right side of me is just shutting down.

It's given up. But after Trump's recent speeches about what he plans to do in the Middle East, the left side of me is really jealous that he didn't give up first. Don't want to hear it. No, the left side of me, she's clinging on. She's still shaving.

She's putting on a heel to go out. She's Googling what is TikTok? The right side of me, she's clinging on. She's still shaving. She's putting on a heel to go out. She's Googling what is TikTok. The right side of me, nah, she's gone. She's gone, she's in a crock. She's watching loose women. She's got so much armpit hair, she can stitch a jumper together with I Heart Air Fryer on it.

People are saying to me like, now you've got a disability. I'm like, hearing loss isn't a disability. I'm a mother. This is God's way of giving me a bit of respite. And I know you shouldn't talk about your kids as a mom. You shouldn't. All right, one woman, honestly, she saw me on something and she wrote to me on Instagram.

She went, I think your children should be taken into care. I just wrote back, yes. I'm like, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that. and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, right, one woman, honestly, she saw me on something and she wrote to me on Instagram, she went, I think your children should be taken into care. I just wrote back, yes. Don't threaten me with a good time, sweetheart. My God, cause there's things that no one tells you, do they?

No one tells you the moment I have children, gone are the days of being able to afford all-inclusive holidays in the Caribbean. No. Do you know where I've been every single summer over the last 10 years? You know, and if one of you's thinking center parks, that is way out of my price right now.

You know where I've been every single summer and where I've got to go again this summer? Camping. And camping with your family is not a holiday. It's essentially just being a medieval servant in a field. Honestly, my husband loves it, he loves it. He's always like, isn't it great being at one with the outdoors?

I'm like, yeah, I love waking up at 4 a.m., drenched in my own moisture, going, well, I'll be off to get water from a well. Plus my dad lives with me, right? My dad is a 78 year old Lebanese man and he lives with me. I had to take him camping with us. Imagine that, imagine that.

An elderly Arab man just stood in the middle of a camping field. He's just there going, why is it holiday to live like refugees? I flee water for this, my God. And because we've had a hard year of it, my family are in South Lebanon, right, we've had a tough old year.

But it's only since going through this that I have realised how much kids don't care. They don't care, it's not until they're adults that they actually learn to have empathy, right? Because it was about November, South Lebanon was being heavily bombed, right? Me and my dad were panicking, we're worrying about our family.

And my husband, he turns around to my children and he's like, just be a bit easy on mum, yeah? Just be a bit easy at the moment, don't wind her up too much. It's stressful at the moment. My daughter comes down the next day, all hormonal and rolling her eyes, and she comes down the next day and she's like, where is my PE kit? I can't find my PE kit.

My husband was like, oh, what did I just say to you about being a bit nicer to mum? My daughter turns around to me and she's like, sorry about the war, but I've got PE. I'm like, oh, she's got PE. Oh, she's got PE. Let's call up Geldof so he can write a little ditty for you. She's got PE. She's got PE. They're of that age, my two.

God love them. You know, they're about to hit puberty and they're going through it and all the rest of them. And I decided to have a little chat with them about it. I'd said to my son, I said, oh my God, you're starting to get hair on your top lip. You're probably going to start PE. I said, I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm to have a little chat with them about it. I'd said to my son, I said, oh my God, you're starting to get hair on your top lip. You're probably gonna start puberty soon. He turned around to me and went, yeah, I think you are too.

But I decided to talk to them together, you know, had that little chat with them. Oh my God, I proper messed it up. I knew I messed it up. When I had the conversation with them and then afterwards I overheard my two children arguing and I just heard my daughter turn around to my son and she was going,

when you grow up, you're gonna have a hairy penis. To which my son then turned around and went, yeah, well when you grow up, every single month until you're 55, you're gonna lay an egg. It's like, well, I've messed that up, haven't I? Don't know where he thinks I've been laying them. Does explain why he won't have an omelet.

Guys, you've been a delight. I've been Esther Minito. Thank you so much. Esther Minito, everybody! You might not believe this, but I used to be a teacher. Being a teacher with a physical disability can be very interesting. The kids were great, though. I remember teaching a group of these 10-year-old kids, and the first time I taught them,

one of them spotted my limp and asked me, hey, teacher, what happened to your leg? Were you in a war? Another kid piped up and said, hey, teachers from America, man. Of course she was in a war. Now, one thing we like to do here at the 13... 16...

Million Club is to hear from people beyond the world of stand-up. Jess Thom, also known as Tourette's Hero, is an amazing artist who uses a wheelchair and has, you guessed it, Tourette's. We caught up with her last week. Here she is. We're recording an infomercial about Donald Trump's anus. Which you've shown me. You're going to bring out my one Tourette's gag. My literal Tourette's gag. Talking about technologies which solve a problem that doesn't really exist, I'll try and describe it for the listener. It basically looks a little bit like, almost like a modern version of a wartime gas mask or something.

Half a gas mask I would say. Half a gas mask combined with a plague mask. Yeah, actually that's what it is, if you imagine a sort of one of those frightening looking plague masks, it's like a black beak. Can you describe what this is meant to say? So this is a product just is and marketed as the shop the Tourette's silencer Frisket I look my my other high-tech innovation just just coming down my automatic Automatic blinds will hear them rolling down company now to five minutes without something clever happening automatically. It's got dark outside Really it reacted to the change of light. Yep Can't be in the house for five minutes without something clever happening automatically. Because it's got dark outside. Sausage! Oh really?

It reacted to the change of light. Yep. My friend Matthew at Christmas automated loads of things in my house and I now can control the temperature of each radiator from my phone and I can control my blind and up, up and down independently. Biscuit. And I want social services to get too over excited though. I still definitely need someone with me all the time. So this sort of plaid mask looking thing is

marketed as, well even the name of it is incredible, the Tourette's Silencer. Yeah, it's a silencer for outbursts. It was originally the Tourette's Silencer but I think there was some, there was some pushback so they went a bit more descriptive. Outburst silencer so this is basically more or less a muzzle was the word you used to describe it biscuit hedgehog cats biscuit hedgehog cats so that's just with them with that don't mention donald trump's anus mean, I should be using a silent test. But that's quite distressing to even watch, because that is like somebody's put a, what gagged you basically, they put tape over your mouth or something.

The thing is, biscuit, biscuit, I understand where that comes from. Biscuit, there are things about ticks and Tourette's and biscuits making noise all the time. Biscuit, that can be intense. Biscuit, and it can make you stand out. Biscuit, I stand all the time. Biscuit, that can be intense. Biscuit, and it can make you stand out. Biscuit, I stand out in lots of situations. My kicks go into rooms before I do.

Biscuit, but I don't think this is gonna help me stand out less. No, just imagine someone wearing a grotesque-looking beak and see if you think that would make them stand out less. I do think if I wore it the other way up, though, you could also be a sort of rhino horn for some sort of self-defence move. And I think that this was an accidental invention. I think this was a technology that already exists, that one person potentially used or one family used in a particular way.

And if it really helped someone, then that's great. But I think, I don't think we needed it as a marketableable product and I don't think that this is the solution that we should be suggesting that gagging people from making voluntary noise is the way to make our lives better or to manage our participation in the world. No, it feels fairly primitive solution to say what about if we just clamp something on your mouth and we couldn't hear you anymore? That'll do it. Yeah I would say it's a great example of how not to market things for disabled people. The hands-free strap is an essential because if you know much about

tourettes but things in the hands tend to stay in the hand for very long. Yeah. Sausage and there were so many things that weren't necessarily designed for disabled people that make a huge difference in my life. Whether that's a sort of wireless doorbell biscuit that I used to call for help if I needed it. Biscuit, hedgehog, cats. Or an iPad that allows me to draw. Or a phone protecting case that means that my phone survives being chucked across the room by my texts hundreds of times a week. The right tools at the right time are game changers. Gax, sex pajamas.

That's the amazing Tourette's Hero Jess Tom. Is it just me or has anyone else seen the outburst silencer in Anne Summers? I should mention my husband also has cerebral palsy more severely than I do so he wins. You know people are curious, you know they want to know what it's like with two disabled people in the relationship and when it comes to the boudoir, it turns out it's a lot like we're into S&M unintentionally. Because we have all the equipment.

And we didn't plan to either. You'd be surprised how much S&M gear is just physio equipment dipped in tar. You guys, I am so excited to bring onto the stage our ultimate act. Please give a very, very warm round of applause for Paul Sinha. That's very kind. Thank you very much. Welcome to you all, especially those of you in full-time employment.

Because you won't have a clue who I am, so. LAUGHTER What that joke refers to is my best known facet, which is I'm the cinema man from the enduringly popular ITV teatime quiz show, The Chains. CHEERING What you may not know is that in diversity terms, I am a relentless box-ticking machine. So strap yourselves in.

My main reason for being here today is this. In May 2019, I was diagnosed with the progressive neurological disorder Parkinson's disease. Now, it's a tough diagnosis, especially when you know that you'll never be famous enough for Coldplay to invite you on stage at Glastonbury. Well, look at Parkinson's. Having Parkinson's is much like being a footballer

out in Saudi Arabia. You know the shakes about to take over your life. As you can see, by the way, my right arm and right shoulder, what I call a little bit gammy. That's the main thing. The medication is kind of doing its job so far, slowing the decline. In addition to all of this box-ticking, I'm a gay man, and I'll say this now, it's not a bad life being the only openly gay British Asian qualified doctor and competitive quizzer

with Parkinson's disease on the United Kingdom comedy circuit. LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'm a married man, by the way, which surprised me. I turned 18 in 1988. For the next 23 years, absolutely nothing. I mean, I mean absolutely nothing. It's a different era. We'd have gay dating apps or gay dating websites or invitations for a free drink at a House of Commons bar.

But eventually I got there, first boyfriend in 2011, he dumped me in 2015, then thanks to the murky world of serious, elite-level quizzing, I got myself a new boyfriend called Oliver and in 2019, December, we got married. And I've got to say that was an interesting year for us to get married. Engaged in January, married in December, but in the middle, diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. Wasn't a huge surprise, thanks to this gammy right arm and shoulder, but that month I'd been at the New Zealand Comedy Festival. And in the first week, Monday night, Tuesday morning, 3 in the morning,

I fell face first onto Auckland pavement. It was three in the morning and I was very, very drunk, so I didn't jump to any conclusions. But I went on that website that tells you whether you're full is likely to be alcohol or neurology. I do recommend it. It's called TripAdvisor. It's a really, really good website. LAUGHTER

So that's kind of how I got diagnosed, and that kind of sort of details what's going ahead for me for the next 15 years. It's going to be a rocky ride. But I promise you that I am being honest, not being disingenuous when I say I deal with this with good cheer and optimism. And I'd like to point out I've got great friends, an amazing family and a husband who shares my sense of humour, which is very, very useful. When I was first given the medication for Parkinson's, Oliver, my husband, was sat

next to me and the consultant said with grim serious tone, word of warning about two major side effects of this medication, Mr Sinha, impulsive sexual behaviour and compulsive gambling. And Oliver burst out laughing and said, no change there. I said, Oliver, shut up and give me some advice. And he said, tell a joke. So I turned back to the consultant and said, I bet you £10,000, I can't shag you by tomorrow morning. I lost £10,000, but I gained a joke. The things didn't get any better for me.

December that year, I had a double coronary artery bypass operation. Let me tell you this, you have not lived. We spent Monday under the knife, Tuesday in intensive care. Wednesday, they moved you to the high intensity ward. Thursday, they moved you to the general cardiac surgical ward. It's 6 p.m., you've just had some dinner,

you're trying to get some sleep, but two beds down, a male patient has rung his wife and she's on speakerphone, which means you have the joy of hearing these words, bellow across the ward. The ironic thing is, he's the chase I've always hated. But the thing that keeps me going is this, not everything's a loss in life. Sometimes it's a triumph.

That same summer I did my first solo show at the world famous comedy store in Piccadilly, Central London. But it's Central London and I lived three and a half hours dry from Central London in a place called South London. So I decided to get the tube in and I'm on the tube and this woman is staring at me with an intensity and ferocity I find quite unnerving. Excuse me, she said, Has anyone ever told you, you look a little bit like that guy off the chase? This is my opportunity to have some impromptu fun. Well, madam, do you mean the former doctor turned comedian,

born on the 28th of May 1970 in Luton in Bedfordshire, who is openly gay, has Parkinson's disease, and is married to a fellow quizzer called Oliver? And she looked absolutely gobsmacked and said, who is openly gay, has Parkinson's disease, and is married to a fellow Quizer called Oliver. And she looked absolutely gobsmacked and said, oh my God. I mean, with knowledge like that, you could go on the show yourself.

I mean, with knowledge like that, you could go on the show yourself. That's what I might do sometime. That's what I might do sometime. Go on the chase, see how I get on. You never know your luck, get on. You never know your luck, do you? You never know your luck. In the meantime, I just want to wrap up my bit with a bit of Ted Talkie stuff. Number one, whatever's stressing you out in life, whether

it's illness or disability, try not to let it get between you and your loved one. Keep things spicy and hopefully they'll never leave you. Oliver's fully aware he has permission to leave me any time he likes. He also knows I will move on. By move on what I mean is I've downloaded that smartphone app that gives you location to single middle-aged Asian men in your area. It's called Uber, it's absolutely brilliant. Thank you for listening. I've been Paul Sinner. Good night. Thank you. What an absolute pleasure this has all been. Let's hear it one more time for the acts you've seen tonight. I'm Spring Day and see you next time at the 13 Million Club.

Thank you very much. The 13 Million Club was written and performed by Will Robbins, Esther Veneto, Jess Thom, Paul Sinha, and your host, Spring Day. It was produced by Leanne Coop, Mark Watson, and was an impatient production for BBC Radio 4. and was an impatient production for BBC Radio 4. Hello, Greg Jenner here. I am the host of You're Dead to Me from BBC Radio 4. We are the comedy show that takes history seriously and then laughs at it.

And we're back for a brand new series, Series 9, where we're covering all sorts of things from Aristotle to the legend of King Arthur to the history of coffee to the reign of Catherine of Medici of France. We are looking at the Arts and Crafts movement and the life of Sojourner Truth and how cuneiform writing systems worked in the Bronze Age. Loads of different stuff. It's a fantastic series. It's funny. We get great historians. We get great comedians. So if you want to listen to Your Dead to Me, listen first on BBC Sounds.