Comedy of the Week - The Many Wrongs of Lord Christian Brighty

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

Challenged by Babs to find a single person he’s never wronged, Brighty’s search leads them to Cornwall and to best friend Russ Blackshark. Whilst Brighty and Babs re-run Russ’s stag do, Churlington gets into a spot of bother auditing the family tin mine.Lord Christian Brighty is the talk of the Regency 'Ton' - a celebrated libertine, a heartthrob and a hero to many. But close-up, he is a spoilt, impetuous, life-ruining bastard… Or at least he was. Because his carefree life of infinite privilege has been upended by an encounter with his new chambermaid - the uneducated but forthright Babigail - who became the first person to tell him the unvarnished truth about his selfish behaviour. Overnight, his lifelong trust that everyone loved him had been replaced with a gnawing fear that Babs was right.So now, with his narcissism collapsing and a need to prove to Babs he is actually a good person, Lord Brighty is determined to fix all his past wrongs. And by extension all the ills of Regency society. Accompanying him in his quest are Babs (elevated beyond her station to a chambermaid-cum-adviser role), and his butler, Mr Churlington. Although Churley would prefer everything to stay exactly as it used to be (as would all Brighty’s friends, family and the entirety of high society).Written by Christian Brighty & Amy GreavesCast: Lord Christian Brighty ….. Christian Brighty Babs ….. Jessica Knappett Churlington ….. Colin McFarlane Russ Blackshark ….. David Reed Reticent Tom ….. Nimisha Odedra Briny Briony ….. Chiara Goldsmith Gareth Hornpipe ….. Joz NorrisScript Editor ….. David Reed Sound & Recording ….. David Thomas Photographer ….. Will Hearle Production Assistant ….. Katie Sayer Producer ….. Ben WalkerA DLT Entertainment Production for BBC Radio 4Christian Brighty and Amy Greaves are award-winning comedians. Their viral sketches based on Bridgerton, Poldark and Jane Austen have catapulted them to viral stardom, securing Christian’s place as the internet’s answer to Mr Darcy and amassing 150 million views across TikTok and Instagram (@brightybuoy). Amy and Christian both have a deep love of the work Jane Austen, traditional regency romance (not smut), and historical romance set in the regency (smut).

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. Welcome you degenerates. It is I Lord Christian Brightie, the delight of duchesses, the lover of Lords, bestselling author of How to Pleasure Your Wife using this conveniently shaped book, now out in paperback and waterproof to boot. Oh, I was the most badly behaved, young and depraved rake of the Regency. But my life changed forever when I tried to fire my mouthy, moralizing maid Babigale. You mean when you tried to shoot me out of a cannon? On that fateful morning, Babs said something that shook me to my very core.

You're not very nice. So shocked was I by this revelation, I accidentally set off the cannon and shot myself in the heart. Ooh! I awoke three days later with an owie nipple, a compulsion to show Babs I could change, and a hard-on for redemption. So join us now as we write

The Many Wrongs of Lord Christian Brighting. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE the many wrongs of Lord Christian Brighting. June 1812, Babs had tasked me with finding a single person alive I hadn't in some way wronged. I accepted the challenge. However, after exhausting all potential candidates in London, I had to widen the search, specifically to Cornwall. And to my best friend in the whole world, Russ Blackshark. Babs, this is someone I'm positive I haven't wronged. We go all the way back to boarding school and boarding nursery. I was even his best man.

His stag party was insane. Shirley, do you remember when he put firecrackers down your breeches? I remember we had to instigate a rule so he would stop. Wish I could go on a stag too. Why? Something about women not being allowed makes me want to invade that male space. I can't wait for you to meet Black Shark Babs and for him to tell you how great I am.

Why are we meeting him at an old tin mine? And my request, his lordship's mine must be audited. It doesn't look like much, does it? That's because it's a very traditional mine, my lord. So it's almost entirely below ground. You own a Cornish tin mine? I won it off Blackshark in a game of cards during the stack.

He had a royal flush and I had three of a kind. Then how'd you win? We were playing snap. Swindling your mate out of his property. Doesn't sound like you've never wronged this man. What's a little tin mine between best friends? I organized the whole weekend. I even planned a special bachelor's treasure hunt

all over the bay. It got super messy, but what goes on tour... ...stays burned into my retinas forever. Look! Here he comes now! Famous goat botherer Russ Blackshark. Walking STI clinic Christian Brighting. And is that rocket pants, Shirlington, your bombastic butler? Don't move. There may be some dynamite in one of

these barrels. My lord Blacksh Shark, remember? The butler buttock burning pan. And who's this frowning beauty? This is my friend Babs, who helps me with self-development, and he's also my maid. Who I pay. You always did have some weird new kink. Come here and give me a hug, you legend! Don't mind if I do.

Ha ha. Okay, that's hot. Wait, you're not wearing... Certainly am, best friend. What's going on? Why did his crotch just clang? We locked Black Shark in a chastity belt for his stag. The treasure hunt was to find the key.

We never did find it. Incredible weekend. Hang on, what? to find the key. We never did find it. Incredible weekend. Hang on, what? Yeah, you remember how halfway through the stag you went off with that barmaid and that dancer and my uncle? Baguely. Well, the treasure hunt sort of got abandoned after that. We never found the key and I've been trapped in this iron hell ever since. Classic writing. Headbutt contest.

What? You're joking. Ow! Your poor wife. How long ago was this? Five years. Five years? Your front and back bottoms have been locked away

for five years. How do you wash? How do you go to the little boy's room? That is between me and my butler. My Lord Bridey, I have never shown you enough gratitude. Russ, I simply must grab a quick word with my paid friends. Sure, I'll just chat to my horse until you're done. What the hell? Five years?

He was the one person I was sure I'd never wronged, and I've done the worst thing I can imagine to him. What do I do? What else can you do? You've got to finish his stag. Except for the occasional flashback to Russ's uncle, my memory of the stag was hazy, and I had no idea where I'd hidden the key.

But following the five-year-old clues would lead us straight to it if we could all just focus on the task at hand. Shots, shots, shots. We're not doing shots, Babs. We're just trying to get Russ out of his chastity belt. A-S-A-P-A-P, assa-pap. There's no harm in having a couple of shots, bridey.

Come on, tequila. Just salt and lime for me. And keep your eyes open for a peg-legged fisherwoman named Bryony Bryony. She's got the next clue. Whatever, I'll be at the bar. Aren't I doing a great job fixing this wrong? Are you kidding?

You're being a total buzzkill. Isn't putting on a good stag the pinnacle of male friendship? There's nothing wrong with our friendship. I just need to get him out of his metal knickers. And give him the stag you promised. You ruined his last one. Dammit, you're right. I'm the king of parties. I'll snap out of it. That's more like it, Brady. Here you go. Down the hatch. That's right, me blokes. Let's kick it in the vagina.

Woo! All right, handsome gents and maid. Arr, some maid looks like Regan McCordishly. Riany, Riany, Lord Christian Brighty, five years ago I paid you to keep a clue for my treasure hunt. Do you remember? What treasure? Got the krill, see bitch?

You have the clue or not? I gots it. I'm supposed to give it to whoever dons me peg pint. Oh Judas, the peg pint. What? Special concoction he stowed away in my peg leg. Twist gin, rum, but mostly herring. Never outteed it. in my peg leg. Twist in, rum, but mostly herring.

Never actede, tasphorin mentate to the point of developing its own ecosystem. LAUGHTER BUZZING Oh, my word, that's pungent. Down it, Brighty. Yeah, Brighty, down it. OK, fine.

BUZZING Yes! Go on, Brighty! Yes! Woo! So, what's this about, Treasure? Oh, it's just a hidden key to... my god... to Blackshard's family jewels. Woohoo! Stag! I thought you were going to ruin my stag for a second time round, you loser!

Not a chance. Best stag ever. Right after I vomit. While our trail of clues descended into a day-long party, Shirley had descended below ground to complete his tedious audit. Thank heavens I've escaped their tedious partying. And what a brilliant excuse, an audit. I cannot wait to see how this mine has created such extraordinary profit. Ah, this must be the office. Hello! Foreman! Mr. Hornpipe!

No one here. Be quiet! They'll find us. Oh, little boy. Why are you hiding in here? This is a nerve center of fiscal administration. Not a poor house. It's safer among the books. Ah, you work here. Very good. My name's Reticent Tom.

And I am Mr. Chirlington. Now, my master owns this mine. Is the foreman in the tunnels below? I'm not going below. Never again. It is horrible. Horrible? How? Inefficient? In violation of health codes? My god! Not unionised. No, it is dark, it's scary, and there's the bigger boys. Reddison Tom, I think you had best show me the rest of the mine. I'm frightened, Mr. Chundergun. Can I hold your hand? Oh, you poor boy. Absolutely not.

The stag do treasure hunt was back on. We were happy, hammered and hot on the trail of the final clue, which five years previous I'd inscribed on the back of a small crab. clue which five years previous I'd inscribed on the back of a small crab Rottpoles! Guys here I've found where the crabs work! Babs has crabs! Babs has crabs! I have crabs! Can I just say it's so nice being accepted by you both in this traditionally male-dominated space. It really means a lot.

Lame. Lame-o! You're not. I was just sharing my feelings. I'll find this crab first if you've inherited your father's eyesight, Brighty. Your mum is so ugly, he was either blind or really into livestock. Okay. Right, sirs, lay off the mams and just look for the crab, shall we? I'm in it over here.

Bright, is Black Shark all right? His banter is really aggressive. I think he's harboring some real unexpressed anger towards you for locking him in those iron pants. It's just chaps being chaps. He loves me really. Crab attack! Ow! Goddamn righty, you pile of dog dirt!

It's crab tag time. Chuck a crab at one another, get them to pinch off. Yeah, that sounds fun and in no way a violent expression of unconscious lurding. Eat crab, nerd. Ow! You'll need to dodge better than that, Babs. Stop throwing crabs at me! If I wanted to, I could fight back, but we need to find this clue.

We don't even know if crabs live five years. There's every chance that we'll never find... Oh no, here it is. No outgoing costs, months with no entries, and a single invoice for £50 of tin. Then in brackets, wink, wink. What are you doing? I'm checking all the transactions in the ledger I found in the office. Why?

Because it's a history of all business activity. Records every in and out. Why? Because without accurate accounts, we don't know if we are following the rules. And without rules, we would be lost. Why? Are you actually listening to my answers

or just asking why is a sort of banal game? Why? Children, the worst invention since the clip-on cravat. The Peek-A- big boys down there! Look! Well, there must be two hundred children shackled together, hard at work and guarded by becudgled ruffians. But there's no mention of child labour in the ledger. Shall I draw the history of the bigness activity in the book for you? All the inns and the owls. I think you'd better have.

Yeah. I'll draw me putting tea in the bags with my friends. You're packing tea down here? That's not even slightly like tin mining. I'll draw that four years ago, we lived outside of the mine on the cliff tops in St. Berger's Orphanage for in love boys and girls, but the miners dug 2D and the ground collapsed. The orphanage fell in,

to the tunnels on top of them and their inside squirted out. Oh, do you have a red crayon? This is the worst case of administrative mismanagement I've ever seen. We must alert the authorities. Oh, I don't think you'll be alerting anyone. Bigger boys!

The crab led us to a secluded beach, through the map on its shell, not like a tour guide waving a parasol. Somewhere nearby, an X carved on a rock marked the spot of where to dig for the elusive buried key. Righty, nut check. Oh! Yep, nuts are counted for. Well, reverse nut check. Ow, my hand! How did you fall for that?

Double nuts. Ow! When you're out, I'm doing a full nut survey Oh lads, can we please enjoy ourselves without you endlessly referring to your junk? Righty, your paid friend is ruining my stag do You two are ruining it by being horrible all the time Of course, Bebs. That's what a stag do is Friends should be kind to each other

Oh, don't look guys, over there! That rock! I found the X! I saw it first! Oh no it's fine! Give it here! Too slow Black Shark! Yay we found it! Woo! Now let's stop competing maybe I'll have a hug. Righty, give it to me. What's it worth, Black Shark? Oh, come on, just give it to him.

I'll take that, thank you. Briny, briny. No, son of moose, I can get myself a little bonus. My master will want this key. Will he? Why? Why do you think? To get the infamous Blackshark family jewels? You're making a big mistake. It is not best practice to keep your auditor shackled to a wall.

Yeah, you tell him Mr. Chirlington! Well, who do we have here? Mr. Chirlington, butler, come auditor for Lord Brightey. I take it you are the foreman, Mr. Gareth Hornpipe? That's right. Perhaps I can assist your investigation. The profit split of our business rather favors myself. Care to hazard a guess what it is we do?

It is blatantly clear that you're nothing more than common smugglers. Common? How dare you, sir. We are exceptional smugglers. Tea, tobacco, perfume, Toblerone's. All the duty-free's a man could want. And all completely duty-free's a man could want. And all completely duty-free. You have no right to avoid paying tax. You're not a lord. Yeah, Mr. Chirlingbomb is going to free

all of my orphan friends. Is he really? What? Why would I do that? Children are appalling. It is this man's disregard for regulations I take issue with. Mr. Hornpiper, I have Lord Blackshark and his two companions locked up in the sea cave below. Blackshark? Here? Why, you blithering buffoon, Briny-Briony. Are you trying to get us caught? Begging your pardon, sir, but I was on the hunt for a great treasure,

the Black Shark Family Jewels. I thought you wouldn't nab it off them, sir, being as how you love money and that. The Black Shark Family Jewels? I've literally never heard of them, but now I want nothing more. Goodbye, Mr. Chirlington. I'll decide what to do with you later.

Come, Briny Briny, to fortune and glory. Locked in a cage deep inside the smuggler's hidden sea cave, we had time to work on our friendship. I bet I can do more pull-ups than you. I can do three times as many as you, and I'm weighed down by my crotch. Naturally, so am I. We are literally locked in a tiny cage, as the testosterone poisons your puny brains.

Oh look, Russ Blackshark trapped in his old family mine. How the mighty have fallen. Who's this, Russ?shark trapped in his old family mine. How the mighty have fallen. Who's this, Russ? Your nanny? I was his foreman, Lord Brightey, until I had the misfortune to become yours. I consulted with him every day, but then he gave it all away in a game of chance

like I was nothing. Blackshark, you gambled away more than your mine. You gambled away our friendship! I'm so sorry. I have literally no memory of you. Give me the location of the Black Shark family jewels. All right, there's been a mix-up. His family jewels are his king and two bishops. All right, there's been a mix-up.

His family jewels are his King and Two Bishops. My flintlock and two shots. His winner's podium. Gold in the middle, bronze hanging lower than silver. Listen. Stop thrusting at me! You mock me, sirs? Fine.

I'll leave you to the incoming tide. What? No, we'll drown. Yes, that's what I was implying. You will all die here, unless by tea time tonight I have Black Shark's family jewels clasped firmly in my hands. You should have given me the key. You should have dug it up faster. You should both shut up. Sorry Babs.

Brighty, you're a maid loving simp. At least I've had some loving in the last half decade, you virgin. Enough! This is why men shouldn't be allowed to have friends. You're mean, physically violent and obsessed with each other's anatomy. Babs, you just don't get it. You're mean, physically violent and obsessed with each other's anatomy. Babs, you just don't get it. I get that unless we work together, we're all going to die here. He'll die here first.

Pack it in. Brighty, say sorry to Russ. For what? Brighty! I should not have left you in a chastity belt for your wedding. And? And I should have checked on you sooner andastity belt for your wedding. And? And I should have checked on you sooner and given you the key just now. Good.

Black Shark, why don't you say how brightly apologizing makes you feel? Well, I appreciate it, I guess. Great. And I wonder if that- It makes me realize how much I need you. As I need you. Oh, yeah, good. how much I need you. As I need you.

Oh, yeah. Good. I've always needed you. Wanted you. Your body. Your wet hair through my fingers. Okay, that's enough feelings. Your good looks. The way you stare at me when we fight. The way you hold me when we wrestle.

Laps? You've loved me. You've always loved me ever since school. You bear! I have to have you. Let me out! You may abandon us here. You may even defer your audit. But dodging through the taxman's loopholes only ends with a hangman's noose. Do you hear me, Hornpipe? I don't think he can hear you, Mr. Cholinson's. He's closed the door. Oh, that man has no honor, no shame, no understanding of the beauty of rules and order.

Oh, so would you be angry if I broke the rules then? I honestly don't care anymore. That's a relief because I stole the handcuff keys from the rules then. I honestly don't care anymore. Phew! That's a relief. Because I stole the handcuff keys from the bigger boy. I would have let us out sooner, but you haven't stopped shouting in like 20 minutes. You brilliant scamp! I could kiss you, but crucially won't. You're wasted in the mines. You should be sweeping chimneys with the other high achievers. Quick! We must find Lord Brightey. This way. Come on.

What's that noise? I've got way more for you. Sounds like a scuffle. Oh, you dung-headed mongrels. End this! Babigale, Have they fallen out? I wish. Truly get me the hell out of here! Oh, Ross!

You unforgivable devil! Oh, gods! What in the king's name is going on? Years of unexpressed feelings, expressing at once up against my back. Do something! Mr. Chirlington? Yes? Why are those two men trying to eat each other?

Gentlemen, there is a child present. Oh! Let me get this cage open. Oh. I think five years trapped in a chastity belt might have affected me more than I wanted to admit. We still need to find Black Shark's key. And end this smuggling operation. And free all my friends! Oh yes, end that. Well, what do you say, Black Shark, it's time to finish your stag. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Load those luxury chocolates, men.

We sail on the evening tide to every dodgy port town in England. Not so fast, Hornpipe. Clear out of my mind, give Black Shark back his key, and we can all leave here with our manhoods intact and or on show. Ha! This mine is mine, Brighty. I'll run it as I please, and you're seriously outnumbered.

I thought you might say that. Charlie? Mr. Hornpipe, if you'd bothered to conduct a proper stock check of your chocolate bars, you'd know that you're actually quite a few short What are you blithering about? Record-keeping matters and no one is wilder than a small child dosed up on duty-free Toblerone Friends, attack!

No men, don't flee, they're just kids. Advantage is ours. Now surrender the key, Hornpipe. Never. You may take away my smuggling ring child labor enterprise, but I will have those family jewels. You really don't want them. Besides, you're not my type.

Don't be mean, Black Shark. Give him a peek of the merchandise. Oh, would you all just stop? The key opens the chastity belt bright he put on Black Shark for his stag do. There are no bloody jewels. Wait, family jewels? Oh, oh, gross. I kissed that stupid key earlier!

But why? I thought it unlocked a fabulous treasure! Now that I know where it goes, you're welcome to it! Catch! Yah! Watch out, Ronnie! Do your worst! I ain't scared of kids or butlers! Redison Tom, give this smuggler a bottle of brandy and a lit cigar. It's time to pay the duty! AHHHH! My peg leg! It's like kindling! Fishy kindling! A pleasure doing business with you, my boy!

I just set a body on fire! Ha ha ha! Don't worry, I'll help you fill out the incident report. It's over, Hornpike! Yield, you wretched cur! Ha! You fight side by side like friends, but what kind of friend locks you in a chastity belt? Only my best friend.

But you always spoke of wanting children. And you've lost so many years to try and produce an heir. Isn't that your only actual job as a lord? Oh, I think Black Shark will be ready to go make babies just as soon as we're finished with you. Actually, we can't. We always wanted a big family, but that's just not what fate had planned for us. Ha! So much for friendship.

No, wait, Black Shark, is that true? Oh, um, yeah. Oh, God. That is so not James. Yeah, it's been pretty tough actually. If it means anything, I think you would have been a great dad. Yah! Look out! A touching moment, but now I shall claim my prize

the traditional way, in blood. Claim this. Russ, are you ready for me to release you? Everybody stand back. Things are about to get chemical. Children, avert your eyes. Oh, God, the smell! It burns!

Ah! Oh, my god. I think five years of build-up melted his face off. Back on the surface after our orphan rescue violence audit, we celebrated our wholesome teamwork. I way got more smugglers than you did. Are you jesting? I stabbed like 20 of them. You guys, you may be hyper competitive and toxic idiots, but you clearly do love each other.

We get there in the end. And I've done it, right? I've unwronged him. That's irrefutable proof that I'm not a terrible person. What's this? Bright as China, right? All his wrongs. Change his ways. Yeah, I'm a much better person than you'll ever be. And I've only been trying for three weeks. Is that so? Hey, orphan boy!

Yes, sir? Tell your friends you're coming to live with me and my sad wife. Why? Because I'm a better do-gooder than Brighty is. Why? Shut your smart gob, you weece cab. You're a black shark now. Do you really think your wife will want to adopt 200 orphans?

Ah, ah, ah, Brighty. I've already called dibs on adopting them. See you later, loser. Come on, kids. So, Charlie, will my mind continue to make me pots of money? Happily, I've completed my audit, but regrettably, it will not, my lord. An orphanage fell into it some years back. Oh, well, you win some, you lose some.

How was your first stag, Babs? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was great. Yeah, I really enjoyed the, um... No, it were horrible. Yeah, they're all like that. In fact, you know what? What's that, sir? I think I need a drink. The Many Wrongs of Lord Christian Brightie

starred Christian Brightie, Jessica Nappett, Colin McFarlane, Kiara Goldsmith, Joss Norris, Namisha O'Dedra and David Reed. It is written by Christian Brity and Amy Greaves and is produced by Ben Walker for DLT Entertainment for BBC Radio 4. Thanks for listening to the Comedy of the Week podcast from BBC Radio 4. If you want more, check out the Friday Night Comedy podcast featuring the news quiz and dead ringers. Imagine a scrap of data that could help rescue a man lost at sea. That far north most people aren't found.

This is a race against the clock. Or expose staggering financial fraud. All the Swiss banks, the British banks, the French banks. What I was looking at was a horror show. Or uncover a medical breakthrough. Within 10 years, the whole world was convinced that he was right. 10 extraordinary adventures of data and discovery. Uncharted with me, Hannah Fry, on Radio 4, now available on BBC Sounds.