Comedy of the Week - The People Have Spoken

Episode Date: August 24, 2026

It's time for the people to speak. Taking on the headlines, Ian Smith is joined by Harriet Kemsley and Ashley Storrie to work out what is going on, and together with an Edinburgh Fringe audience, solve the biggest problem facing the world right now.Which family member would you send to negotiate with Hamas? How should we help Trump meet his self-imposed deadlines? And how to we protect Andy Burnham from scam phone calls?Written by Ian Smith, Angela Channell, Cameron Loxdale and Katie Storey Production Coordinator: Asha Osborne-Grinter Sound Editing: David Thomas Executive Producer: James Robinson Recorded the Edinburgh Fesitval FringeProduced by Gwyn Rhys Davies. A BBC Studios Production

Hello, I'm Ian Smith. We're coming to you from the Edinburgh Fringe, where the people of Scotland have had enough. That's right, we're on the road visiting a new location. It's basically question time, only in this show the funny bits are on purpose. Just think of me as your Fiona Bruce. I'm lightly authoritative, with a twinkle in my eye,

and I also don't give a shit about antiques. But I will pretend to do that for money. This is the week that we were told not to teach our grandmas to suck eggs, not because it's patronising. but because there's been a major salmonella outbreak in the UK. But the people have answers. And together we're going to turn Oman into Yemen.

Not Yemen. Sorry. Let's not turn it into Yemen. I've assembled a dream team of audience members, a people's parliament packed with real-life wisdom. And together we're going to be kicking down the door of politics with more urgency than a police officer at Nicholas Sturgeon's motorhome. Welcome to...

We've got loads of questions to tackle. Should controversial rappers be performing in Russia? Can ye or cannae? And as the mushroom murderer, Erin Patterson, is appealing her conviction, we ask, who would be the more controversial Master Chef host? Her or Greg Wallace. I'm going to come and meet some of the audience members to see who we've got.

We've got some serious intellect here. You've got a Gilles on! Random question off the top of my head. Parallel parking. It's too hard. How do we make it easier, sir? Cars that park themselves. I've seen that route. Cars that park themselves.

We've dealt with it already. You might be thinking, how does that work? Stop bothering him with your questions. What would you do if you found out Mr. Blobby is just a regular man with a disease? No idea. Yeah, these are quite difficult ones. Bit of an easier one.

How do we respond to Russia's warnings over Ukraine? Just get on with it and stop. To me or Russia? Wow, it's an aggressive way, but yes, we'll move on. It's such a contradiction, but a beautiful one. Just get on with it and stop. So, our mob is here, ready to ram their pitchforks up the arse of politics. But who's going to help us shout our empty threats into the world?

Please welcome my people's champions, Ashley Story and Harriet Kemsley. Guys, do you think you're the people qualified to help us solve all the world's problems? We're the people that are here. I mean, just before the recording, I don't want to reveal too much, but Harriet said she got trapped inside a toilet. Okay, I'm losing a bit of confidence as well. So now we have our suitably troubled troublemakers. We're ready for some suitably new news.

One big story this week. Peace in the Middle East. Oh, not really. Can you imagine? It's the opposite again. Negotiations between the US and Iran continued to stall this week as Trump's self-imposed 60-day deadline for peace expired. with all the surprise of delayed grand designs build.

Iran is basically an eco-lighthouse project on the Dorset Coast and Trump's the guy standing next to his heavily pregnant wife saying things like, the builders have assured us will at least have running water by the time the triplets arrive. The most annoying thing about this war is I didn't know where the Strait of Hormuz was before it started, and if there's one thing that really upsets me,

it's being made to learn geography against my will. If two countries start fighting over an Oxford lake, I am out. Trump said that if Oman gets in the way of a peace deal with Iran will bomb the shit out of them before being praised for his uncharacteristic restraint It's almost as if putting an arbitrary deadline On something incredibly complicated and delicate Doesn't help when trying to solve it

But we've got ten minutes So let's have a crack at world peace War What do you think? Yeah, it's quite stressful, isn't it? And I'm not even in it I'm not even in it I'm not too stressed

I didn't start it I haven't, like, why he's still looking at me? No one has accused of starting the war on Iran. I didn't start the war and I think it's bad. But, you know, Trump's in charge. He posted on his own version of Twitter. Truth social. Yeah, thank you.

He posted on that a picture of the street of Hormuz with a circle around it going, this is US territory now. And that was just that. And I didn't know that's how you call dibs on things. I'd like to write now state, I'm drawing a circle around the version of Draco Malfoy. I invented in my head,

and he's my husband now and none of you as can do anything about it. In his defence, Trump has had an incredibly busy week this week, shouting at women in the White House, writing love letters to Kim Jong-un and seeing which house old items can be crafted from gold. But our big question to the panel, Harriet and Ashley,

what's your weirdest tip for stopping procrastination? I can't stop procrastinating because I'm constantly on the internet watching little short films on the... Do you ever see a vertical drama? Vertical drama. Is that not just life?

No, those are wider. It's always like a lady who's a maid and she doesn't know she's secretly a billionaire and a werewolf, and then she booths a hot guy. Oh, you mean porn? Did you see him and Natalie getting on a different plane so that all of the press and all his pals could get shot down out of the air?

He used these pals as a defence on his plane. It's insane, so how'd I stop procrastinating? Well, Harriet. Can you equal that extremely clear method to stop procrastination? Well, I don't know. I think the best way to stop procrastinating is to have a child. It's a big risk. It could ruin your life.

But you'll get stuff done. I mean, it's not going to be things you want to do. You're going to have to do some things, mainly child-focused. So you've, like, completely disregarded the original things you wanted to do, but you've replaced them with a new responsibility. Yeah, that's exactly what I've done. Yeah. Oh no. What a way to find out four years later. Oh no, here in the BBC tent.

We've got some suggestions from the audience here about how to stop procrastinating. We've got something here from Linda Martin. Never start anything in the first place. Excellent. Well done, Linda. This is from Steve, but I'm going to do it in a voice that I've picked. Promise yourself a glass of wine. And when you complete the task, drink it.

I like that. What if you just drink the wine before, though, and then you don't have to do the task because you're drunk? Let's get Steve's thoughts on that. How long have you been dependent on wine? Quite a long time. Quite a long time. Red or white?

Red. Oh, yes. Okay. And Harriet's suggestion is, why don't you just drink a lot of wine and then abandon what you'd wanted to do? I like that better, yeah. Thank you, Steve.

Harriet, what suggestion do you have from an audience member? I have a suggestion from Ruth, and Ruth says take a laxative. It feels like Ruth has answered a different question. Ruth, where are you? She in the toilet. So, the people have spoken and we are going to make Donald Trump stop procrastinating

by having another child. Oh no, sorry. It doesn't work with Trump, though, because then there's just more Trumps. Let me go back. The people have spoken, and we're going to make Donald Trump stop procrastinating by taking a laxative. I personally make a point of never procrastinating

because, well, I haven't written a joke for that yet. I think there's something I needed to do. Oh well, there's plenty more to deal with in the Middle East. On the other side of the diplomatic binfire, this week also saw Trump's son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and ex-PM Tony Blair sit down for a rare meeting with Hamas leaders. Blair and Kushner are members of the US Board of Peace. You don't want to send in a group of guys who are board of peace.

Surely you want to send in some guys who are fed up with war The peace envoy boys They later met with Netanyahu after Israel rejected Trump's 15 point Gaza peace plan Which is where Trump points at 15 different people And says this is your fault So my question to the panel is With Trump sending his son-in-law to fight his battles for him It looks like the NEPO terrorist negotiators are all the rage

We want to know Which family member would you send in to negotiate with terrorists? probably like some of the ones who were terrorists back in the day I don't know if anybody else grew up in a house where there was Semtex in the freezer but I did Mine was more of a goo puddings vibe

If I was going to send somebody It would probably be Mama She's deed new I'd send her ghost Our ghost is pretty vengeful There's been like three guys annoyed me at work And a Seagull has pooped on all three of them And I'm now convinced

Mama's come back as a vengeful bird because it also does kind of sound like a ha ha ha ha ha Harriet do you have any ideas any vengeful ghosts in your family? I've negotiated with an ex-husband he did take all the spoons so I don't know if I negotiated well

because I'm just eating pudding with my hands I think it'd be kind of fun hear me out here if we sent Gaza to Gaza Mind when he tried to stop Raul Mote with a fishing ron and a roast chicken. So let's send Gaza

out there, and at least it will be like a good name for like a BBC 4, like Stacey Dooley documentary. It's like, Gaza and Gaza! And the good thing about that, we know he's available. I imagine he's picking up the phone and just going, yep, yes, I will do it. What's that?

Melania. What's that? Malarnia in. Send Melania in. Can we get a microphone to this woman? She's got the answers. Malarnia's coming in. I just, you're asking who to send in. It just comes Melania. Malania. And what qualities do you think Melania would bring

to the guys of peace negotiations? Well, she'd just be a woman, for example, to start with. Difficult to argue so far. Yeah. And she's got power over Trump, even though we can't see it really, but she will have. So she'll have indirect power. Yep. She's got words within her to charm the defensive.

she could slow blink them into submission. Yeah, and if they decide, well, they want to kidnap her, then Trump's got a lot to answer for. Yeah. Can I just say, I wasn't expecting you to fork this through as deeply as you have. When it progressed to, and if she gets kidnapped, I thought, you have gone in deep here. It just came to mind.

I just thought no one's saying it, so, yeah. No, no, that it's like, I want to watch this movie. The unfolding of... are being kidnapped by the Gestapo over in Iran. It's a long title. That's the sort of thing that comes after the colon in a shorter title. Can you imagine Trump, if that happened?

No, really. I think he'd just get a new bird. I think he'd really overnestyming how much he loves that woman. I think he'd just find another blinky woman, and that would be that done. Thank you very much. He's making a list. He's checking it twice.

He's going to find out who's. rough sleeping and how to help them not do that. Andy Burden has set a Christmas deadline for his commitment to ending rough sleeping. The new funding to tackle rough sleeping will also provide intensive wraparound support, which sounds like what Kea Stimer would call a hug. I would go one further than this. Once rough sleeping is sorted, I want to bring an end to bad dreams. After a long time and day, I shouldn't have to sit an exam. I haven't revised for, completely naked, while my teeth are falling out. And my question to the panel, what

Would you end by Christmas? The year. The year, just getting done. No way. Yeah, maybe. I think the end of the year should be Christmas Day. Get it all in one day.

Because the days afterwards and nothing. It just peters out. Excuse me. She's English. Don't show Hogmanee. They'll just go, what? I feel like the tide has turned

to a little bit. I love Hogmanee. I hope to celebrate mini hogs going forward. Thank you. Good night. Harriet, I think you absolutely covered yourself there. Ashley, do you have anything that, you know, what's your top priority?

I'm just trying to see if I can grow my hair long enough so that it gets trapped between my bum cheeks when I'm in the shower. Yes, I mean, it's really good to have goals in life. Also, Andy Burnham's helping the homeless only applies to England. That money's not coming to Scotland either, just so we're all aware of that. In fact, none of his laws apply to any of them.

so I'm really happy for your new Prime Minister. He seems like a cutie-pitouty. And he's never stole the caravan, so you've won up to us there. But that isn't all. Andy Burnham's been up to this week. Our Prime Minister, our leader. The man to turn this country around has been pranked. It's hugely embarrassing for us,

but Andy Burnham has been communicating with someone via WhatsApp who he believed to be top Trump page, Susie Wiles. What could Burnham's WhatsApp messages have contained? Well, he's a middle-aged dad from the north of England, so I can confidently tell you, mostly just the thumbs up emoji and the word okay. Wiles' contacts have been hacked before. She's 69.

She can't handle the technology, bless her. I bet every time you have a Zoom with her, this screen is blank and all you can hear is her going, can you see me now? Wiles admitted it had been a stressful week for her, but the silver lining was that she'd recently inherited three million pound fortune from a Nigerian prince she was distantly related to.

So it sounds like we all need to be a little bit more scam-aware. So we asked our audience, have you ever fallen for a scam? We've got this answer here from Craig Smith. This is a very interesting one. No. Thank you, Craig.

He's written that down on the form. He's thought we don't need any more explanation here. But in terms of pranks, I spend my life constantly having to tell my daddy that's not real because he finds videos on the internet and he's a very odd autistic man who doesn't speak to people

and he loves videos of people doing Britain's Got Talent Auditions like the Susan Boyles of the world That's what he sits there and he cries and he goes in that beautiful And he comes into my room and he's like Ashley I've just seen the weirdest video We fella singing baby we were born to run gets the gold buzzer off Simon Okay he's like it's terrible Ashley I don't understand He must have a sad life story And I went into the living room

And it was a man in India stood in front of a green screen You could still see the green behind him And he just photoshopped himself onto the Britain's Got Talent stage and then clipped in a random clip of Simon Cowell hitting a button and my dad believed that was real. And now I'm terrified because if he believes that's real, he's not seen AI yet. So I think that the way to not get scammed

is we all just stop talking to other people. Well, I'm just absolutely gutted that my favourite Britain's Got Talent contestants turned out to be a lie. Sorry, bud. Yeah. Harriet, do you want to slag off Susan Bowler? while you're here?

The queen of Scotland. I think she's a lovely lady and a talent. I once saw Susan Boyle give a prize to a tiny horse, and it was the best thing I've ever seen in my life. Tiny horse? Is this a Scottish... Oh, I thought it was a famous Scottish thing. Sorry.

You've got so concerned now. I love your tiny horses that you have here. It was a wee tiny horse and a kilt, and Susan Boyle had to give it the prehist. Pride of Scotland award and she went, well done, and gave it a wee bow. And I was like, that's the best thing I've ever seen. It was lovely. And me and Harriet have nothing negative to say about the Pride of Scotland Award being awarded

to a horse. It's a nice horse. Oh yeah, and I'm sure there's no one more deserving than that small, kilted horse. My mum is from Edinburgh and half my dad's family from Aberdeen. I'm three-quarter Scottish. Don't lie, Ian. No, that's just. True! I'm one of you guys! Come on!

Ashley, what do you have? Beth has been in touch and Beth says, My dad convinced me that Toffee was Pig's earwax from about age 8 to 14. What was his end game? I honestly couldn't tell you. But I used to get special Toffee from Thorntons for every birthday and... Yeah, I just believed it. Still ate it.

You know, I just thought, wow, who first discovered this delicacy? Who's going in there? I could have been an awkward trip to the city farm. Harriet, what audience suggestions do you have? So, have you ever fallen for a prank or scam? Yes, my husband, Alan Gary. Alan Gary, is in? Alan Gary, do you know what's written here?

Yeah, I do. My husband, Alan Gary, was pranked by an exploding golf ball. on the first tea. New Year's Day, Hangover Day. Hi. Are you okay, Alan? We were pretty hungover, I should say, right? There was a bit of snow on the ground as well.

Alan, can I just say, you still sound absolutely gutted about this. I am. Don't blame yourself, is what I'd say. Right, well. He was gutted. He's never loved it down. You're not helping with that. Cut a long story short.

My playing partner at the world, there was a few of us, just right at the clubhouse and he put the ball down on the tea for me. You know, as I say, I had a couple of drams in me, you know? And I took a swipe at it and the thing exploded. It's just white powder. It's everywhere, you know? You are telling the story, like it's one of the saddest things.

It's the juxtaposition of literally a plot line from Roadrunner and Coyote. And also it's no that big a deal, Alan. You need to let it go out of it. Well, yeah, that's Alan's story about the fun prank that was played on him. I would listen to an hour of Alan recounting fun pranks with the tone of voice as if he's recounting his favourite memory at a wake. I do not like pranks.

My uncle took my nose from me in 1996 and to this day, I'm doing everything in my power to get it back. I'm getting wise to scams now, though. I received the text from HMRC saying, if I don't pay my income tax, my assets will be repossessed. Not falling for that one. As if there's such a thing as income tax.

Now, I think I speak for the people when I say, we hate bad news. Screw you, journalistic integrity. We want unlikely animal friendships. Look at that hippo and that kitten. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh. Oh dear. So in a bid for endless good news,

we've asked our people's champions to show us the feel-good side of these feel-bad stories. This week, Meta is facing a landmark lawsuit which could affect some of the more dopamine manipulating elements of its social media platforms. Instagram stories, auto-playing videos and infinite scrolling could become a thing of the past.

But Mark Zuckerberg seems like a nice, normal guy. So Harriet, can you please help him out by telling us why social media is perfect the way it is? Oh yeah. I love social media. I think it's so good. I love it for children. That's healthy. I think it's really healthy. I love it as a woman. I love social media. I love people commenting on how I look. I genuinely find it helpful. It's helpful. I'm learning stuff. A guy commented under my video last week saying she's got that thing Jamie Oliver's got. Fat tongue disease. I didn't know it was helpful to have a diagnosis.

I like when a man on the internet tells you something that you didn't even know you needed to be self-conscious about. I didn't know I had serial killer teeth. I wonder how many men put that on a dating profile. Looking for a woman with serial killer teeth, G-S-O-H.

We could probably get around social media being so addictive. If we just make other stuff even more addictive... Have you ever seen the woman who are like, see if you're shh? and tell McGovern, you come round my house, I'm going to, I watch

those videos with women with neck tattoos and lip filler for hours a day. I get so invested in these women's private dramas where they've had a fight at the school gates that once, and my daddy had to stop me, had to stop me from literally getting on a tube to go to the school to try and see if they had a fight.

So I think we're going to go with, that social media seems quite good. You're still using it, everyone? Yeah, well, Harry, No, I disagree. I had to say it. It's bad. No, you think it's fantastic.

No. And we'll let it all of this out. No. You think it's fantastic and you love it? I don't love it. This has to stay in. Okay. Ian's not Scottish.

I've actually done my family tree on Facebook and I am related to Susan Boyle. That pony. It's a tiny horse. I just want that clarified. Those are different things. It's a tiny horse. So now, John.

Job vacancies have fallen to their lowest levels in five years, amid rising labour and operating costs, according to the Office for National Statistics. One economist described the UK labour market as stuck in a low-churn limbo. Low-churn limbo is the phrase I use when I'm not sure if I've got anxiety or food poisoning. And sometimes it's both.

Reform have announced plans for benefits claimants to be made to perform community service in order to keep their payments. They've also said they would keep the triple lock on state pensions. They know exactly what demographic they're targeting. the oldens. It's the policy equivalent of a Werver's original

on a bit of string underneath a cardboard box propped up with a stick. Clearly, existing employment schemes aren't working, and we think it's because they're not thinking outside the box. Forget nurses and social workers, whatever they do all day.

We think the government should be creating more roles in niche sectors. So, some suggestions from the audience here. I've got a suggestion to hear from Sheena, who says the most unusual job she's ever had, was standing at a conveyor belt,

picking out slugs, etc, as peas went past before being frozen. Wow, what a job. When did you work in the slug department of the frozen peas world? When I was a student in Dundee, you picked out bits of leaves and you got an extra sixpence,

if you remember what a sixpence is. Oh, yes. You got a little... You get a little tub, and if you found any creepy, Crawley or anything on the conveyor belt and put that in your tub, you've got an extra sixpence on your wages. Wow.

Do you think that job still exists today? The old taking slugs off the conveyor belt by hand. Oh no. AI will have taken it. Oh yeah. It will just be a computer saying there's something suspicious in the P conveyor belt area. This was 60 years ago. I will be honest.

The sound of that job does sound like a job that happened in the olden days. It sounds like the sort of thing your grandma would tell you and you'd think, ah, she's lost it. What did you used to do, Grandma? I used to pick the slugs out with the pee conveyor bell. Okay, okay. Well, let's just pop you in the home now, I think. Harriet, what do you have, as your audience suggestion?

I have, what's the most unusual job you've ever had? Olivia says I co-starred, cross that out. I featured in a Thai Charlie Chaplin movie. Wow, a celebrity in our mix And it's another very current story The P-Conveyor Bell Or the time we were in a Charlie Chaplin movie Did you meet Charlie Chaplin?

Well, it wasn't actually a Charlie Chapin It was a Thai Charlie Chapin look-a-like They told me that I was going to be meeting the aeroplane As it came in And I was going to be walking down the stairs As the aeroplane disengorged itself. I'm not 100% sure that's the right word.

No, that's the right word. That's the right word and we're all using it from now on. Whenever we leave a plane, we're disengorging the plane. I'm going to get a band from EasyJet, I reckon. Can I not disengorge on this plane? And that Charlie Chaplin was going to fall down the stairs and it was going to be a bit of a chase. So they said, well, you're going to be chasing him around in your underwear.

At which point I went, well, I don't think so. So after a fair bit of negotiation and the promise of a bit more money and a petticoat, I agreed that this would happen. I could have never imagined where this story has gone. I usually only tell this to people I really know. There's going to be a real spike in Google searches for Thai petticoat disengorge. How would I solve the lack of jobs in this country? It's easy.

I'd end our over-reliance on technology by making this. the red and green men at crossing's real human beings. And you might be thinking, Ian, do you mean lollipop ladies? No, I mean we paint the lollipop ladies. We paint them. And also, not enough men are applying to be lollipop ladies because the name is too feminine. I think we should call male lollipop ladies chuppa chaps.

Oh, that was an emergency government alert telling us we've pretty much solved all of the news. We've got 30 seconds to sort out some of the remaining stories. I'm going to get back in amongst you. Inflation's at the highest level in months. How do we deflate it? Hook a pin in it. We've done it.

You, sir, if we're going to run out of gas by 2030, what should we use instead? Fletus. Flatus. I'm willing to say yes to that, and I'm not sure why. If you were going to murder your family with poison mushrooms, which meal would you cook? Vegetarian bolognese.

Sounds lovely. Count me in. Well, guys, no matter what happens next, We all know the true way to stop procrastinated is to get a more interesting job like picking the slugs off a conveyor belt of peas. Thank you to Ashley Stoy and Harriet Kemsley. There'll be more news to sort out next week.

But until then, The People Have Spoken. The People Have Spoken is hosted by Ian Smith and featured Ashley Story, Harriet Kemsley and The People. The script was written by Ian Smith, Angela Channel, Cameron Wollstone, Katie Story. The producer is Gwinn, Reese Davies, and it's a BBC Studios production for Radio 4.

Hi, it's Ian Smith here. If you enjoyed that comedy of the week, there are new episodes of The People Have Spoken available every Friday on BBC Sounds. Just search Friday night comedy. Hi, I'm Kiry Pritchard McClein. Best Medicine is back. We effectively reprogram bacteria.

So this all happens in your lab, is that correct? Yeah, my lab in Edinburgh called the Wallace Lab. Wallace Lab. I bet the Gromit Lab does all the real work. Each week, a load of top doctors, scientists, experts and comedians. try to convince me what's the best medicine. I'm a big believer in fighting. I think the best medicine is something called a free flap. Free flaps, not just my nickname in Freshers' Week.

Gene therapy for Huntington's disease. We've just found out why I went first. It's the antidote to doom and gloom. Today is the best day to be alive and tomorrow's going to be even better. We can accomplish things that were previously impossible. We've done like three series of this show now, and I don't throw this around, but I think this could be as good as Varroon. Basket.

Best medicine. Listen first on BBC Sounds.