Comedy of the Week - The Skewer

Episode Date: April 21, 2025

Jon Holmes remixes the news into a current affairs comedy concept album. News meets popular culture in a multi-award-winning mash up. This week: Charlie XCX is bumpin' that with Donald Trump, Minecraft Movie vs Russia, and Starmer: Man of Steel.Producer: Jon Holmes An unusual production for BBC Radio 4

BBC Sounds music radio podcasts. This podcast contains strong language, just like real life. It's a time to nationalise British scale. The plan's not going to work. We meet under exceptional circumstances. This farness is a stone's throw. To take exceptional action. The door fire hot enough to set them ablaze.

In what are exceptional times Get those fellows watching! Go! The truth is that the government has made a total pig's breakfast at this whole arrangement He's right There's a Chinese company that was directly linked to the Chinese Communist Party that was given the contract I did not look to see you so easily outwitted

and what they really want to do is get rid of the blast furnace so they can ship slab steel from China. The future of British steel hangs in the balance. Call that leader. No! The Supreme Court has today ruled on the legal definition of a Toby Carverie. Well, look, of course, Toby Carveries don't have a penis.

We all know that. At the White House, President Trump appears to squeeze cured meats and cheese out of JD Banz. The government plans to tackle street crime with a baby zombie riding on a chicken. Ha ha ha ha ha. The Princess of Wales has discussed semi-automatic gunfire with a group of scouts.

A video vehicle set on fire has been released on the royal couple's social media channels. An all-female crew, including the pop star, Katy Perry, has reached the edge of space to keep them as safe as possible from Russell Brand. Deny the charges. Congratulations, you are officially an astronaut. You're confusing the whole. I don't think it means what you think it means.

With regard to the announcement about Michael Gove's peerage, many are continuing to ask why. I deep-throated Rishi and kissed his balls. For some, he was a guardian angel. Good afternoon. You're the answer, son. I know how important steel is. Man of steel. Emergency legislation.

And now it's within your power to save what remains jobs, investment, growth. You can save all of them. And I will not stand by. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superman. There is no time to waste.

What's the S stand for? Scum floor. misery in Birmingham as striking bin workers reject a deal to resolve their long running dispute. Good news everyone. I got in a fight with the garbage men and they're cutting off our service. Around 350 refuse collectors have been on strike

to protest against pay cuts. Who can take your trash out? The waste has been accumulating at about a thousand tonnes a week. Stomp it down for you. Residents are reporting rats the size of cats. Shake the plastic bag and do the twisty dingy-doo. Military planners are being brought in. The garbage man!

To help work out how to deal with the mountains of rubbish. The garbage man came. You'll find a bin bag that's been ripped open by something or other. Who can take the stiper? With used nappies in it. The garbage man came. Three used condoms. A sanitation box.

United being unreasonable. Dolly friendly bloats. Saying changes will leave them £8,000 worse off 50 Super Because those garbage men won't work for free Yeah No! Bum-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na-da-na People are talking about a Trump bump. Have it help us. Trump bump? Okay, okay. The Trump bump. Here we go. What's the Trump bump?

The Trump bump. The Trump bump. This time I'm doing what I want to do with respect to the tariffs. Will there be some bumps along the way? The Trump bump. Absolutely. So now we have a number of businesses in limbo. Is the Trump bump becoming the Trump slump? Are we now in a Trump slump?

People were getting... Slump. Yippy, you know? They're getting a little bit yippy. There was that idea of the Trump bump. Yippy. And now a Trump slump. There's a bit of a split in the White House.

The White House is a very special place. There are those who say that the President basically has gone nuts. People were getting yippy. There might actually be a Trump special place. There are those who say that the president basically has gone nuts. People were getting yippee. There might actually be a Trump slump. Trump slump. We've seen a slump. Slump, slump, slump. Let me tell you, you don't negotiate like I negotiate.

For centuries, there was harmony. The Titans were the protectors of humanity. King Kong. The US President Donald Trump. Godzilla. China's Xi Jinping. So this is a tit for tat trade war. My fellow Americans, this is Liberation Day.

It's a call for war. A trade war with China. Duties on Chinese imports are now standing at 145%. Something even they're afraid of. Donald Trump now saying Chinese-made smartphones and other electronics will not be exempt from tariffs. Yes they will. No they won't.

China will never accept this. China will fight to the end. They don't have to like each other. They will starve before they cave to Donald Trump. They just have to work together. We are heading for a self-induced economic nuclear winter. Kong vs. Godzilla. Their fight.

Our fate. Three. Two. One. Altitude now 21,000 feet. Still looking very good. 3, 2, 1. Altitude now 21,000 feet, still looking very good. Singer Katy Perry made history as part of an all-woman crew launched into space on Monday. Velocity down now to 1,200 feet per second. The first woman in space was Valentina Tureshkova.

She orbited the Earth 48 times and spent almost three days in space. Katy's 10-minute flight took off in perfect weather. The rocket was built by Blue Origin, the company owned by Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos. In 1983, Sally Ride became the third woman in space. Sally was finishing her PhD in physics at Stanford University. Bezos' fiance, Lauren Sanchez, was one of the other women aboard. September 12, 1992, first African-American woman in space, Mae Jemison, as a science mission specialist, made history.

These ladies will be going up in style. Check out these new designer flight suits. Roger, we got good data. These are all of my astronaut girlfriend's. This just didn't have anything to do with feminism. It had everything to do with being a glorified commercial for an elitist IG post, responsible for approximately 83 tons of carbon per person. Katie says we're going to put the ass in astronaut.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Take up space! One, two, three, four, five, five, four, three, two, one, enter, cast. Nigel Farage, what is going on in these barbershops? You go in, no customers, Lamborghini out the back. It's a way of funneling large amounts of cash at a Turkish restaurant. Have you seen some of those now? There's nothing on the menu.

Don't worry about that. Do you know what? They're not Turkish. In fact, they're Iraqi, Iranian or Kurdish. Cash only. I've been astonished. What is going on in these barber shops? It's medical, all involved with drugs, and it's been going on for years. Any town in the country will find barber shops. Mr. Perage, what is actually going on here?

Look, barber shops are here illegally and the Labour Party refuses to intervene. There's probably a dozen criminals hosting the channel right now that'll be at one of the shops next week. No customers, Lamborghini on the back. It's a way of throttling. Larger bills are cashed and that's what's really going on here. So let's try to stop Barber John...

Greetings everyone, I'm Donald J. Trump, and I welcome you to this fantastic audiobook version of my book, The Art of the Deal. My style of deal making is quite simple and straightforward. Rollbacks and reversals. True confusion and contradiction. Rollbacks and reversals. True confusion and contradiction. Trump's tariff chaos. Straightforward, for your peace and your protection.

The point is that you can't be too greedy. And I said if that tariff isn't removed by tomorrow at 12 o'clock, we're putting a 50% tariff on above. Give us speed and direction. The tariffs that we put on. The worst thing you can possibly do in a deal is seem desperate to make it Donald Trump had announced a 90-day pause Straight forward

Let's put God number one And then it's tariffs As is mentioned in the Bible I try never to leave myself too exposed Dangerous lack of confidence in the American economy Nations tend to want us tribal Deliver the goods Have you ever think when you voted for President Trump that things were going to cost you more?

I never thought I was going to lose this much money. This fast. Spend your dollars here at home. I talk with reporters. I try not to be defensive. Trump last night defending his tariffs. I know what the hell I'm doing. 10% tariffs on the remote, herd and McDonald's islands.

Great war. Inhabited only by penguins. I happen to love to go up against these guys and I love to beat them. Hey everyone, I'm a kid journalist. So here I am with my tips for you if you want to be a journalist too. Kemi Betanok went on a BBC news show to talk about violence against young women

and the show Adolescence is brought up by the two reporters who are questioning her. Let's get started with the questions. Have you watched Adolescence yet? No, no, I probably won't. It's a film on Netflix and most of my time right now is spent visiting the country. The difference this documentary has made.

Remember, always try to get your facts right. There's not a documentary. Do you think you're... We have thousands of... If I may just get it. Always listen to what your guest has to say. It makes for a better interview. Why would you not want to know what people are talking about?

In the same way that I don't need to watch Casualty to know what's going on in the NHS, I don't need to watch a specific Netflix drama to understand what's going on. Remember, if your guest makes an interesting point... We had Labour telling us that they're not going to be investigating the rape gang scandal. Ignore it! ...the biggest scandals in our country. And do you stand by the thing you just said? Just keep going.

Comparing adolescence with casualty. I have met children who've been victims... And going. ...of the research... Yeah, adolescence has made... And going. ...their many... And that's how to be a journalist.

Adolescence has made... And cut. Okay, let's try it again. Minecraft trailer, take two. I am Steve. Steve Witzkopf, the special envoy for President Trump. As a child, I yearned for the mines. Ukraine has been providing lots of information about potentially exciting minerals they've got under the ground. Let's go to the stash. Now,

rare earths are really important. Here's how it works. Now, suite of elements in the periodic table, they're used in magnets. You place these elements, different patterns. They're used in military applications. You've got yourself a sweet blade. So they matter a lot. Steve Witkoff is back in Russia talking to Vladimir Putin. He's digging in. So one day I started digging and digging. How does he know that Russia doesn't want to take parts of Eastern Europe? A wonderland where anything you can imagine is possible.

Next you go for the Baltic states. As long as what you imagine can be built out of black. The Soviet block. The Eastern block. Oh no, not again. Just days after a Russian attack in the Ukrainian city of Sumy, Donald Trump has blamed the Volodymyr Zelensky for starting the war with Russia. This guy is such a tool bag. Carl Sagan wrote the following back in 1995 and we quote,

I have a foreboding of an America in my children or grandchildren's time, when the United States is a service and information economy, we don't make anything here, when nearly all the key manufacturing industries have slipped away to other countries, China, China, China, China, China. China. China. China. China. China. When awesome technological powers are in the hands of a very few. Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, Sundar Pichai, Tim Clark.

And no one representing the public interest can even grasp the issues. Everything's computer. I think I know. When the people have lost the ability to set their own agendas or knowledgeably question those in authority. It is like Christmas every day with President Trump at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Our critical faculty is in decline. Because you know these complicated issues are being handled so well and so thoroughly.

Unable to distinguish between what feels good. Make America wealthy again and what's true It's going to make our country very rich We slide, almost without noticing, back into superstition and darkness President Trump is anointed by God all night Trump is anointed by God After-da-da

The dumbing down of America is most evident in the 30-second sound bites, now down to 10 seconds or less. You know, I have a warm spot in my heart for Tic Tac. Credulous presentations on pseudoscience and superstition. Over to Robert F. Kennedy Jr. I do believe that autism does come from vaccines. The kind of celebration of ignorance. Alexa, who twisted the skewer.

The skewer was twisted by John Holmes, Katie Sayer, Ali Pante, Helen Brooks, Alice Wright, Darren Phillips, Dave Walke, Uba Mohini-Swirt and Tony Cherneside. Additional material Grace Millie, Ellie Haywood, Annabel Edmonds, Christine Yanni, Adrian Fisk, David Rifkin, Henrik Puzzen, Kevin Smith, William Fothergill, Alan Bainbridge, Luke Hoskinson and Mike Arber. The producer was John Holmes. The Skewer was an unusual production for BBC Radio 4 and BBC Sounds. I think I'm down, I think I'm down.

Carl Sagan's final published words. All of this is a prescription for disaster. Here we are years later realizing we might get away with it for a while. Just what he was trying to tell us. Sooner or later, That's that nuclear weapon. this combustible mixture of ignorance and power,

And they say if I press this, it's the end of the world. is going to blow up in our faces. Hello, I'm Robin Ince. And I'm Brian Cox and we would like to tell you about the new series of the Infinite Monkey Cage. In this series we're going to have a planet off. We decided it was time to go cosmic so we we are going to do Jupiter versus Sefton! Well, it's very well done that, because in the script it does say in square brackets wrestling voice question mark.

And once we touch back down on this planet, we're going to go deep. Really deep. Yes, we're journeying to the centre of the Earth with guests Phil Wang, Chris Jackson and Anna Ferreira. And after all of that intense heat and pressure, we're just going to kind of chill out a bit and talk about ice. And also in this series, we're discussing altruism. We'll find out what it is, exploring the history of music, recording with Brian Eno and looking at nature's shapes. So if that sounds like your kind of thing, you can listen to the Infinite Monkey Cage first on BBC Sounds.