Comedy of the Week - The Squid: Sketch a Minute

Episode Date: January 12, 2026

Rapid-fire sketch show featuring original comedy sketches from breakout online stars The Squid.Taking listeners from Michaelangelo repainting his spare bedroom, to the Scooby Doo gang buying Velma contact lenses for her birthday, each sketch is a fun and unpredictable concept rooted in The Squid’s trademark dry humour.The Squid are a Manchester-based comedy trio made up of writers/performers Liam Shaw, Zoe Freeman and Jack Holding. They have been creating one-minute-long comedy sketches for the last two years, which have gained them 151,000 followers on TikTok, 205,000 on Instagram, and 12 on Facebook.A Hat Trick production for BBC Radio 4

And now on BBC Radio 4, it's time for The Squid. Sketch a minute. She's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us. Happy birthday, Velma. Happy birthday. Thank you, Fred. Scoob, or you shouldn't have? That's from my whole gang, all right?

Scooby's idea, actually. Rare. It's contact lenses. I've got my glasses, though, haven't I? Yeah, I think we just thought, after that whole vampire incident the other week, sometimes, you know, when we're out. solving a mystery and your glasses get knocked off onto the floor.

Yeah. And then you're doing a lot of scrambling around on your hands and knees going, where's my glasses, where's my glasses? Yeah. Well, we just thought it can sometimes hold us up a little bit and perhaps contact lenses would be more ideal for when we're on a mission. Well, do you not like my glasses? Well, they're a bit...

Of course we like your glasses. We all love your glasses, don't we guys? Yeah, yeah. I suppose when we're out solving a mystery, they can just get targeted by ghouls and mummies and aliens, etc. and they're sometimes viewed as our Achilles' heel. how am I the Achilles heel? We've got a smelly dog who only eats biscuits. A potter whose munchies are so bad, he also eats the dog biscuits. We've got, and I'm sorry Daphne, but a bimbo who has no help whatsoever.

And she's only here to get in your pants, Fred. What? No, what, she said that herself? I'm the only one here with an actual degree. Right, come on, let's not get nasty. Look, if you really don't want them... I don't. Well, I kept the receipt so I can take them back to Vision Express tomorrow and maybe we could swap it for a glasses chain or some sports goggles.

Roar, raise a wry, rudery? No! As jousting matches go, that was quite the contest. Just give us a sense of your tactics going into today's game. Yeah, we just took the same approach as we have done all season, really. Plan was for me to knock him off his horse early on before he got a chance to knock me off mine. And yeah, it's worked again, so we're really pleased. And you've heard that your opponent actually died of his injuries after today's game.

Looks like he might be out for the rest of the season? What are your thoughts on that? Yeah, I mean, I'm sure him and his team will be really disappointed with that. But at the end of the day, it's a contact sport. These things are going to happen and, yeah, best wishes. The fans are in fine voice today. How much does their support count on days like this? Yeah, they've been great all season, home and away.

The fair maidens behind the horse at our end were in a really good voice. And when they get going, it's like having a second man out there. Attention now turns towards the game against Galaad midweek. What are your thoughts ahead of Tuesday's contest in the Bali Wine Cup? Yeah, we sent someone out to have a look at him. They've got a really nice setup over there. He's a tidy player. But for us, nothing changes.

It'll be a case of try and knock him off his horse. with my pole before he gets a chance to knock me off my horse with his. Fascinating insight. Thanks for your time, Lance. Cheers. Cheers. The squid. I renewed my broadband with BT the other day. I then got an email from EE, so I'm panicking thinking what I've done. Turns out they've merged. They've merged together. I had the same thing when I went into Costa. They had a load of M&S food in there. I thought I'm in the wrong place here. Went back outside. No, I was in Costa. Turns out them and M&S have merged.

They've merged, haven't they? I mean, I went into Curries. Saw a load of PCs everywhere. Only went in for a Hoover. They've merged. Which one did you go to? Top of town, here a new roundabout. Oh, where the Lane's merge. Yeah, well, I went up there last Friday. Oh, was it Friday before? Weeks merging into one for me now.

Anyway, I got some brunch on the way back. That's a fun word, isn't it? Breakfast and lunch. I've merged for two. And I got a lovely bonofy pie, banana and toffee merge. I ate it with a sport. That's Lucy's favourite. How is Lucy?

Good, actually, yeah. She's going into Year 3. Well, year four. They've merged the two years. They've taken the classes, Willow and Budge. And they've just merged. So they're going to be known as Billow. Oh, that's a lovely merge.

Is Danny in Lucy's class? Oh, he is, yeah. Well, he's in the merger half of year four, so he soon will be. Right, well, his dad, Kevin, down the road, it's emerged, but he's got together with the next-door neighbour. You know the one with the Labradoodle? They're going to merge for two houses. Are they? What, just knocking the walls down?

Knock it straight through, they're going to do about the families? Just going to merge them. Merging them together. What about their surnames? Collings and Jones, jollings are going to be known us. Everything's just merging into one nowadays. The squid. Okay, kids, we're going to open the trap now and let him be free. He can go back to his mouse family.

Bye little mouse. Well done. girls you've done the humane thing here. What does that word mean, daddy? Humane? Let me tell you, darling. Hello? Hello? Hello, guys. Guys, where are you going? I really appreciate you not killing me,

but you're not just leaving me here, are you? I'm a tiny mouse, and this is an enormous field. All I can see is grass. Do you think all mice just have a geographical knowledge of all fields? That I can just burrow down and jump on the underground back to my family. In fact, I'll tell you all. where my family are, they're in your loft. The same place I was until you got me

with your humane trap. There is nothing humane about this. Let me tell you. Oh, this really is it, is it? This is it for me? I don't say this lightly, but I think I'd rather you have just killed me and got it over with.

This way, I'm gonna starve and freeze all alone. I am absolutely shitting myself. Oh my God, no, don't drop me, don't drop me. The squid. Excuse me mate, once you've cleaned the windows, You mind coming in here and flinging the hoove around? Maybe do the tops of skirtings and give the worktops a quick polish. I only do windows.

Would you mean you only do windows? Next thing you'll be telling me I'm expected to clean the inside of these windows as well. Well, yeah. Oh, you do, do you? Bone idle, mate. Cleaning one side of a window for a living. You've never done a day's work in your life. Tosser.

You see him a cheek of this, Lorna. He's not going to do it. He's a totter. I know. I told him that. You're listening to The Squids. I've just come up with a way that everybody can verify their identity. for documents and that.

What are you talking about? I have a surefire way to ensure people are who they say they are when writing documents, an end to all fraud. I present you with my invention, the signature. Right, how does it work?

You just write your name at the bottom. What if somebody else knows your name? Well, only you can write your name like you can. Think about it. What do you mean? Right, let's just say that I am Martin Jones, all right?

For the purposes of this, I'm Martin Jones. I've just written my will and I want to sign off all my assets to my local cats and dogs home. Sure his family would be delighted? Now, how does Martin Jones prove that it is him who has done that document? I'll tell you what he does. At the bottom of a document, he would just go m.j.J.O.N.E.S. Maybe a little squiggle underneath. Now that is Martin Jones's signature.

Only Martin Jones can write his name like that. Well, you just wrote it like that and you're not Martin Jones. Well, Martin Jones, I'll have to get a new one, then, won't he? And what about Michael Jones and Martha Jones and Matt Jones? I guess I'm just going to have to sort it out amongst themselves when I get a moment. So you're saying that all of the MJs will have to meet up at a convenient midpoint one morning to decide on their respective signatures, will they? Well, Mick Jagger have to turn up to claim his? Yes.

And will every single bank manager have to know every single signature in order to cross-reference every single document? I think maybe you just need to have a little bit more faith in humanity, mate, and a little bit more trusting people, because it must be a really cynical world you're living in. Oggie, Ogie, Ogie, Squid, Squid. Where were you two last night? Oh, I was just in my sleep pod playing with my slime? Yeah, I was in my pod painting my tentacles. No, you weren't. Yeah, we were.

No, you weren't. No, you weren't, because Jeff flew over Earth last night, and he looked down to see you two playing in a field in Wiltshire. Well, that wasn't us. It was you, and you were doing crop circles again and making a mess. It's art. It's not art. It's vandalism. Well, we're making our mark on the world.

You're the one always telling us to get off our lazy artists and go see some of the universe. Yes, by going outside for a float around the block or, God forbid, do something cultural, go and visit a local constellation. Oh, that'll be fun. I've never seen a star before. Look, I don't actually think you guys understand the gravity of what you've done here. Right, enough! I want you two to go away and think about the effect your actions have on those poor earth farmers, and also have a think about what it does for our reputation. We don't show our faces down there.

faces down there as it is and you are making us look like a group of yobs. We have not traveled light years for you two to go and graffiti their food. Sorry. Sorry. And not to mention you've brought pollen back up to the ship which is set off Craig's hay fever. There's ectoplasm everywhere. So what you're going to do now is you're going to go and apologize to Craig.

Yeah. And neither of you are going to Zorg's full moon party on the weekend. No! You're listening to the squid. Oh, for God's sake, Gromit. This is the last time I pick up your turd off the carpet. You cannot have the best of both worlds. I'm not having you sitting on the sofa with me, drinking tea and eating Wednesdaydale,

and then the moment I turn my back, you're crapping on the rug. And as usual, nothing to say for yourself. I can't wait you out sometimes, Gromit. I know you're a dog, but I've seen you drive a van. We built a rocket together. Just go outside if you need a dump. Right. Going out on my bike, I'll see you later.

Put it off, Baldi. Did I just say something? You're through to arts insurance, how can I help? Hello, we're taking a little variety show on the road, and I've been advised to get a bit of cover in case of any unforeseen circumstances. Okay, so what's the name of the show? So it's Ziggy's Travelling Circus, that's C-I-R-C-U-S.

Is the performance taking place in a licence venue? Kind of, yeah, so it's a big tent we'll be transporting on the back of a lorry and then erecting in random fields up and down the country. Right, with the venue being a tent, are there likely to be any fire hazards or naked flames? There's a little bit of fire in the show. We have a man breathing fire towards the crowd

and then we also have some juggling of objects on fire. But other than that, no. Next question. Are there any animals involved? Yeah, what have we got? We've got a seal, we've got an elephant and then we're just in the process of sorting out a lion. And do these animals have a proper handler? Yes, my mate Milo in a top hat and a whip.

Right, based on your answer so far, the price of ensuring this show is already rather expensive. What? That's quite annoying. We're on a bit of a budget, you see. All right, well, just a couple more questions. Are there any sharp objects, weapons or firearms? Knives, swords and a cannon. And what is the intended purpose of these items?

That'll be throwing, swallowing and getting fired out of. But I will be wearing a helmet for that last one. Is there anything else you think I should be aware of? We've got a motorbike jumping over the audience. We've got a woman escaping from a locked tank of water and then the grand finale is everyone involved, standing on each other's shoulders in a big human pyramid. And does that include the animals?

Don't be stupid. Okay, well, we'll get a quote sent over to you. Is there anything else I can help you with today? Yeah, you don't actually happen to do car insurance as well, do you? We do, yeah. Can I get a vehicle description? Yep, it's a two-foot-tall little red car, large horn attached, number plate, H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A. Oh, God. The Squid, your neighbours asked you to turn it up.

Why are you back so late, Michael? Sorry, love. Long day at work. Do you mind pass me an empty tub? I need to get these brushes into soak. Scaffodders were late this morning, so that's set us back. I've still got a lot of this ceiling to do. I actually didn't quite realise how big this change. churches. And how is your chapel coming along? Back left corner is coming along, all right, but I think I'm going to have to go back tomorrow. Tomorrow? What about your own home, Michelangelo?

What? When's that going to get a look in? Oh, don't start. No, I will start, Michael, because you've been saying since last Christmas that you're going to paint the skirting boards in the spare room. It's now nearly Easter. You know, your parents are staying in there next week, and it looks like a shithole. I see if Antonio all come at the weekend. No, I don't want Antonio to do them. I want you to do something for once. I know, but I don't really like doing skirting boards. They're really boring. Well, it can't all be paintings of naked men and flying babies.

They're gods and cherubs. Oh, whatever, Mike. I don't want your seedy drawings on my ceiling, all right? Just nice normal, Magnolia skirting boards. Is that too much to ask? No, it's not. Also, while I have got you for once, it would be nice if you just started making a bit more time for me in general.

Because when you're not at work, you're outside in the shed chiseling a statue of your mate David in the buff. You've given more attention to his scrotum than you have to meet lately. I mean, what are you even planning on doing with that statue anyway? I don't know who is going to want to look at that, honestly. I'll go have a look at the skirting boards now. Thank you. Your cast rolls in the oven. Cheers.

The Squid! What time did Mark say this display of his starts then? Seven, I think. What time's it now? It's coming up to seven. Oh, right. What did he say it was called again? He's calling it a firework display, apparently. It's the first one ever.

You reckons it could really catch on? Firework. I don't know what to expect. I don't know. It's probably an exhibition or something I'd have thought. Yeah, it could be thought of the dance or acabatics, that sort of thing. Oh, I better put my phone on silent actually. I wouldn't want that going off in the middle of it. We did say it was child friendly, didn't he? My two have just gone and sat down at the front.

Yeah, I think so. My little one's just knotted off anyway. What's that going up in the sky over there? Where? There, look. Oh yeah. It's going up and up, and up. Ah!

What was that? Was it just me who saw that? No, it was massive in the sky! Ah! A number one! Shit! What is that? Oh!

Get the kids! Where's the kids? We're at a tag! Oscar! The Squid! Sketch A Minute was written on the Porn by Zoe Freeman, Jack Holding and Liam sure. The producers were Nick Coop and Diggery Wait. It was a hat-trick production for BBC Radio 4.

David, it's Michaelangelo. She bought the stuff about the scaffold as being late, so I think we're in the clear. She's off getting an early night, so meet me in my shed, half an hour, and I'll add a bit more detail to that lovely statue of yours. You sexy beast. Hello, I'm Greg Jenner. I'm the host of Your Dentemit, the BBC comedy show that takes history seriously. And we are back for a new series. Hooray! Every episode I pair up a top historian with a fantastic comedian and we have a lovely, funny, fascinating chat

about a different subject from world history. And this series you'll learn all about Emperor Nero with Patton Oswald and Professor Mary Beard, Philippe Duke D'Aulian with Tom Allen, Lena Horn with Desiree Birch, Jeffrey Chaucer with Mike Wozniak, and loads more. So that's the new series of You're Dead to Me. Listen first on BBC Sounds.