Comedy of the Week - Tom & Lauren Are Going OOT

Episode Date: November 17, 2025

Tom and Lauren are getting ready to go on holiday together. Unfortunately Tom has never flown with a budget airline before and doesn't realise that suitcases and carry-on are extras. Lauren is struggling to choose which clothes to leave behind, because she's worried about being judged by other women and she refuses to do laundry while she's on holiday.Tom is mortified to discover that he needs to pay extra for them to be seated together while Lauren is dismayed at the prospect of hours in a middle seat with a giant on one side and chronic B.O. on the other.Neil drops by to ask Tom to sort out some cardboard that Lauren has left in the bin store because "she's not a great Greta", so Tom asks him to water Lauren's plants while they're away - much to Lauren's horror.Cast: Tom Machell as Tom Lauren Pattison as Lauren Julian Clary as NeilWriters: Tom Machell & Lauren Pattison Director: Katharine Armitage Recording Engineer: Philip Quinton Sound Design: Philip Quinton Theme Music: Scrannabis Producers: Maria Caruana Galizia & Zahra Zomorrodian A Candle & Bell production for BBC Radio 4

Tom and Lauren are Gannon Ought. Episode 1. We're all Gannon on the summer holiday. Are you going to stop messing around? Yeah, yeah. Because we're going out. Yo, Loro, I la Cabola, see, Ria. Eh? I cry and the onion laughs. Oh, fair enough. Why is Mojedo El platan

I don't know platia platanio? Platano Why is the banana wet? I have no idea Duolingo Why is the banana wet?

Oh Yaman Enrique Eglasey asks if there's a hand with this, will you? Oh, Jesus. We're only going for a week. Don't

I have been very frugal with my outfit choices. I felt like I was choosing who goes through to Judge's Houses on X Factor. But like Cheryl, I'm ready. I love seeing the cases by the door. Get me on that plane and buy that pool. I don't get this duolingo app. It's not the same since the owl mascot faked his own death. That was weird.

I just want to learn how to order tapas and a beer at a restaurant, but instead it's teaching me about wet fruit. I can teach you. When did you do Spanish? All the way to GCSE, muchus gracious. Dos Cavesas, and a plateau de potatoes frittas, porfos. Oh, do Cervasas. Eon plateau de potatoes frittas, porfavo.

And a plate of chips, please. All you need. Lauren, no, we still need to have our five a day whilst we're away. Fanta lemon in the morning, fan a limon at lunch, fan a lemon before my siesta. And a Zempeg for tea. We should eat proper Spanish stuff.

Paella. Fish. You know what I always say? If it swam in the sea, it's not for me. You've never said that. You never listen to me. You eat fish. Not since I watched that documentary

about the octopus who befriended the diver. Even the sight of a fish finger makes us a bit weepy. Did you print the boarding passes? No, the app was being weird so I'll just check us in at the airport. They'll charge us. Ah, no, they won't.

This new airline we're flying with really cares about their passengers. Oh, the budget airlines do it. I watched a very informative TikTok expose about it. It wasn't the same guy who tricked you into thinking aliens built the pyramids. In the moment, his arguments were valid. Give me a phone, I'll do it.

No, no, no, no, no. The whole point of this week was for me to organise it. I'm not falling at the final hurdle. Where should I leave the plant instructions for your ma'am? What? For me green babies, the watering schedule. Oh, they'll be fine for a week. You said you'd ask her.

I did? And? She said, well... How about, ma'am, we haven't got all day? Maybe we could focus on having a real baby. she can look after. Oh. Right, so one minute,

I'm your non-specific common roommate. The next, I'm a weird plant woman who denies her a grandchild. She didn't use those exact words. I am a very capable woman. I have grown a chili plant in Newcastle, Tom, on a balcony. It's the only perk of climate change.

Text better? No, she's on a goat yoga retreat in the lake district, don't ask. I wasn't going to... Oh, it's not letting me do it. Oh, my God, just give it. here. Mm-hmm.

Ah, yep. Great. It's less than three hours to the flight so we can't check in. There's a 160 pound charge now. 160 pounds? The flights cost 22 quid. This is what happens when you're like a man who's flown British airways, his whole life being in charge of the holiday.

I've flown with other airlines, Japan Airlines, Qatar Airways, Emirates. You aren't helping your case. Oh no No this means we're going to be in a middle seat Or I had a night terror about this I'll sit in the middle seat Will both be in middle seats Tom Four hours sandwich between bad B0

In a six foot seven giant Hell Tom utter Hell the only small mercy is I'll be sat rows away from you I'm sure if that were to happen We can ask someone to swap What sick person would want to swap To sit in a middle seat Yeah, you're right

I'm sorry No, don't do that The puppy dog eyes aren't working Oh, Tom man What now How many cases did you book What do you mean Suitcases

Like in the hole The airline is called No Frills Airways They're included Do you know what no frills means Like no stress You're lucky if the provider It with a seat

And the mild optimism That you will reach your destination aren't you in charge of shape in the minds of the future you have to pay for cases since when have you been living under a rock you get a case per person

no you don't and we can't add on as we didn't check in which means 140 pounds for two cases per case 440 pound total you're so quick at math

thank you oh like this is all of our spending money we'll just have to take carry on Well, the taxi's coming in like five, so we'll need to be speedy. Oh, my God, Tom! What? You said to book it for half-past. We don't have carry-on, either. Just a small backpack. Isn't that illegal?

Oh, I look like a desperate Dora the Explorer, sat in me middle seat. Who knew that no frills means basic with no extras? The world knows that. I'll pay for one case. I'm not going to say thank you, as you're the reason we're in this mess. Fair. But you'll have to take some stuff out of yours. Why? Because I'll need some space for my stuff.

But mine's full? I'm sacrificing. My entire case. Which was your own doing? You don't need to take all those clothes. I'm sorry. There's no way you're going to wear all those outfits. Have you been a woman on holiday, Tom?

Do you understand the complicated relationship British women have with their summer wardrobe? We don't have time. There are technically two months of the year I get to wear these clothes and because we live in Newcastle, realistically only one. All of these poor outfits sit in a wardrobe for 11 months of the year. They deserve an outing. I've packed like five t-shirts and a pair of trunks. Because you don't care what you look like. I'm on holiday?

Exactly. I'd love to not care, but I can't. Are there other women judging me at the pool if I wear the same bikini twice? Probably. Do I need backup outfits for when I feel bloated after eating chips all day? Certainly.

What happens if it's cold and all I brought was short? What happens if I spill something down my top? The apartment has a washing machine. I am not doing laundry on holiday. All right, fine. Try and stick all my stuff in my backpack Why don't you just wear all your clothes Keep your warm and toastie in that middle seat

Oh right the taxi's here I'll try and stall him Please just Here I need a fraction of space Oh fine I will eliminate my least favourite book How many are you taking?

Seven Seven Don't make me make it nine Coming Hi mate, sorry I'm Neil mate well isn't that a dagger to my delicate heart i thought we were more than that tom yes i'm not going to beat about the bush tom you need to clear the mountain of cardboard boxes you left in the bin room oh nothing to do with us are you sure

i know lauren is not a great greta when it comes to recycling her words not mine well like i said they aren't ours so oh i see how it is suitcases in the hall moving out and you want to aren't even going to say goodbye. Oh, no, no, it's not that. All owners must notify the building committee if they are moving out, Tom. We aren't moving out, Neil, just going on holiday for the week. Oh, well, it's all right for some. Where may I ask, are you going to?

Are you keeping that a secret to? Oh, no, Tenerife. The island of endless adventure. I had an unfortunate incident wearing budgy smugglers in a water park on Tenerife. Let's just say my shoulders weren't the only thing exposed that day if you catch my drift. Oh, you make it very clear. Our taxi's on its way, so we better get going. Not a problem, Tom.

If you can just sort out those boxes before you leave, we can let you off with a warning. They're not ours. And the Playgirl magazines my mother found under my bed weren't mine either. Honesty is always the best policy, Tom. Safe flight. Thanks. Oh, um, hang on Neil. Quick question. How are you with plants? Good news, babe. Plant duties have been sorted. Neil's going to do it. You what? There is no way I am letting that man anywhere near my...

Hello, Lauren. Gardening gloves. He will look too good in them. Neil has very kindly offered to water everything. Is it all listed in these instructions? Um, yeah. There you go. Thank you. Please, don't overwater my money plant.

It gets very droopy. We've all been the victim of a droopy stalk in our time. I find a gentle hand and some words of encouragement do the trick. I'll need a key. Right, yes, you can have mine. It's interesting to think. that I have the exact same layout of apartment yet yours feels so much smaller

tasteful furniture does usually take up more space I'll be off I'm taking Barbara to her cat manicure she sliced my skin so hard if it had been an inch to the left she would have hit an artery Oh that's a pity Lauren

For my thank you present Tom I want something authentic from the island not some rush job chocolate from duty-free. Of course. Thanks, Neil. Adios. Amigos. You could have said he was in the flat.

You didn't give me a chance. Oh, he's going to overwater everything. My babies will drown. Oh, they'll be fine. He keeps Barbara alive. He's raised Barbara the cat as a six-stone aggressor that tries to murder him on a daily basis.

The Netflix documentary writes it, Look, we don't have time to think about that. The taxi's probably downstairs and I need to re-pack. Can you get the passports out of the kitchen draw? Fine. But if my tomatoes are dead when we come back, I am holding you personally responsible. Lauren, man, is this heavier than before?

Tough stuff out. Are you sure the passports are in here? Yeah. Bits and Bob's draw and then the odds and sods draw and then essential life and death bits. We need to come up with a better name for that one. Lauren, you don't need three jackets in Tenerife. I refuse to be the victim of an unexpected chilly night.

Do you not remember Palmer, 2018? And the passports aren't here. Oh, you're just not looking properly. Oh, of course. I forgot my eyes. Don't work like yours. Oh, right, they were here. I saw them. I really worry about your memory. I had to enter passport info so they're not allowed to check in. Right. Where did you put them after that?

Bedroom, coffee table. behind the sofa? No, no, and no! The fridge? That's not funny, Lauren. The fridge isn't my go-to place for when I lose things. Have you checked? There won't be in...

I found them. I'd love to go inside your brain the moment you put them in the fridge and close the door. Look, at least we have them. Why's the bloody taxi at late? Yeah, man, I'll ring them and find out. But... You look damp.

Go and change your t-shirt. I'll sort it. Fine. Hiya, um, we had a taxi booked for half-past and it hasn't arrived. Flat four, Lovedale Court. Ah, right, yeah, no, we need it now. Not tomorrow. Did he? My partner's made a mistake. Perfect. Oh, that'll be great. We'll wait downstairs.

All sorted. Did they apologise for their mess up? Yep. I'm going to have words with that driver. When you book... Let's just take a breath. Big breath in. Big breath out.

Holiday mode is switched on. Tenerife, here we come. Thank you. I love you. I love you. Howie, I said we'd wait downstairs. Gonna be over the weight limit. I will not allow them to fat shame in my suitcase.

Bye-bye, plants. Mommy loves you. Stay safe and when the big scary man drowns you, just keep swimming. Tom and Lauren O'Gagnanut was written and performed by Tom Machel and Lauren Patterson with Julian Clary as Neil. The director was Catherine Armitage. It was produced in Gateshead and is a candle and bell production for the BBC.

Hello, it's Tom and Lauren here. If you enjoyed the episode you've just heard, you can listen to more episodes on BBC Sounds. Just search Tom and Lauren are going out. Greetings, malevolent munchkins, fiendish friends and devilish do-gooders. Welcome back to the home of the oxymoron. Evil genius! I'm Russell Kane, and I'm delighted to be steering the ship

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