Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - A Cobb Salad For The Lady

Episode Date: September 2, 2021

Conan talks with Mary Anna from North Carolina about his absolute worst dating experience. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay. Let's get started. Hi, Marianna. Say hello to Conan and David. Hi, Conan and David.

Oh my God. Hey, Marianna. How are you? Well, I wanted to be cool, calm and collected, but I'm feeling more like clammy and anxious and like spread out, I guess. Right. Well, that actually could be a heart condition, you know, not having anything to do with me. You're showing all the signs of having some sort of event, and it really doesn't matter

who you're talking to. Yeah. Well, it's really nice to meet you, Marianna. Just a couple of quick questions. Where are you right now? I'm in my apartment in Cary, North Carolina. Oh, you're in North Carolina. Are you from North Carolina?

I am. I'm a true Blue Southerner. Okay. Very nice. Yeah. I studied the South in college, and I love all things Southern. Any particular time period? Yeah, I studied, well, a bunch of time periods, actually, but I studied antebellum South for

a while, and of course, Civil War, and then I really got into Southern literature. So Flannery O'Connor, William Faulkner, I just love those people. Oh, they're amazing. Yeah. Yeah, I dig the South, and it's very nice talking to you. I've noticed you don't have a strong Southern accent. You don't have that North Carolina accent. That twang.

Yeah. I worked very hard to get rid of it when I was younger. Oh, really? Yeah. Why did you not like it? Oh, I got made fun of relentlessly. Why? Why would you get made fun of for it?

If you're living in North Carolina, why are people walking around going, hey, what's with the North Carolina accent? They're different, so I'm from Garner, which is stereotypically lower income, very Southern, and then Carrie, where I am now, I was on a soccer team with a bunch of girls from Carrie who went to private school, and so they thought that my Southern accent was more rougher around the edges. I hate that. So the rich kids bullied you because they thought their Southern accent was cooler and

more elite than yours? Yes. Well, I hate those people. I hate them too. Yeah. No, seriously, I'm going to track these people down. I'll take care of it. Don't you worry about it.

Thank you. Matt, would you get on this? You know what to do. Yeah, I already have tracked down three of them. He's real quick. Sending out some goons. Some goons. And by goons, we mean, we heard these 15-year-olds, it'll just shove them a little bit.

We're going to send three girls out with different accents, and we're going to have them to change those. That's right. They're going to have to change people with psychological warfare. Well, I'm sorry to hear that because I do love, I actually think of the Southern accents, North Carolina is a really nice one. That's a very nice, I have to say, I come from Massachusetts, and there are parts of Massachusetts and Rhode Island where, my God, that accent is rough, and I would have taken

a Southern accent over that accent any day, so I hope you don't, I hope you still don't hate it. What did you do to get rid of that accent? How did you do it? Did you listen to books on tape or something? What did you do? I watched a lot of TV, so I chose, I didn't choose people, I would encounter specific people where I was like, I really like the way they talk, and I would pick things up

from their accents, so one of those is, I used to stay up late watching the nanny, and so I loved Fran Drescher. Oh my God, no. No. That's the worst example. She has the best accent. I love Fran Drescher, she's a very nice person, I've interviewed her a lot over the years, but that's not the part of her I would want to emulate.

Oh, Mrs. Sheffield, yeah. Oh my God. No, why did you do that? Don't do that. I love it. I would do her accent walking around the grocery store with my mother, and she would, she'd like, shut the fuck up. Y'all.

Y'all. And you'd be like, Mrs. Sheffield, yeah. We did a bit on our show once, I think it was the first time she was on our show years and years and years ago when the nanny was first on, and she came out and she started going, laughing, and just in the middle of one of her long laughs, we released a bunch of sheep that came out, like she attracted sheep, and it really worked well in the moment. It really were, and then she was laughing at the sheep, and of course the sheep were sounding like her, and she was sounding like the sheep.

It was a good moment. Look it up, it's on YouTube. Okay, well, so you conquered your southern accent by listening to Fran Drescher. Congratulations. Thank you. That's just fantastic. And then, you know, I wanted to bring up one thing, which is we became aware of you because you tagged us in a TikTok video that you made, and that's how we became aware of you.

And tell us why you mentioned us in the, and what was the video all about? Okay. I'm a TikToker, and so my big thing, the things that have gone like semi-viral, I get ready for dates, so I will like pick out an outfit and put on makeup, and while I'm doing that, I will talk about how much I don't want to go on the dates, which is every time I go on a date, and the reason- And you mentioned specific things about the person you're about to see. Yeah.

And maybe, let's just use the term, you should talk them a little bit, just before the day. I do. I should talk them after the date, but depending on their actions, but the reason I tagged Team Coco was because in the TikTok, the guy I was talking to, who I already didn't like, he said he didn't like you. He didn't like Conan. How did I even come up? I don't know.

Yeah, like that's so weird that the guy just goes like, well, I really look forward to meeting you, and I'm happy they were going to an Italian restaurant because I love pasta. I hate fucking Conan O'Brien, that fucking prick. How would that even come in? How would that even show up? This has happened before. It's like you're becoming a standard on dating apps. Yeah.

Am I a standard? You're a litmus test for humor. Yeah. Well, that's true. Well, I think he sounds awful, this guy. He's awful. And then some commenters, some dissenters in the comments were like, actually, it's a red flag for me if he does like Conan.

Oh, no. Well, who do they like? I don't know. They're dumb Leno fans. Jimmy Fallon. Yeah. Well, you know, it's funny to me, like, I love that a red flag in the dating world is if you enjoy the humor of Conan O'Brien.

I know, it's not if you won't get a vaccine or not, it's if you like Conan O'Brien. Yeah, that fills me with delight and I also have to say, I think my wife is in that category. You should have checked. I know. My wife is like, she'd be like, yeah, that would be a red flag for me. If she ever leaves me and is like, you know, out in the world dating. But luckily, you don't like yourself either, so you guys would just hook up. Exactly.

I'm not a fan of mine. So, wait, Marianne, I have a question, have you ever gone in a date who has watched the video about you talking about them before you got together, like, hey, I saw what you said about me. Not before. I have made, I do date updates where I say in detail, what happened? During the date? What?

After the date. Oh, after the date. After the date is finished, I will like give my followers an update and a man has seen that and he didn't like, that was not good. I was mortified. Can I ask you, you know, back in the day, there used to be this thing where in like Playboy magazine, what are your turn-ons and turn-offs? What would your turn-offs be?

What are the things you don't like that are red flags to you aside from, of course, the very normal, if the date despises Conan O'Brien, that's, well, that's a deal killer right there. But what are the things that you really don't like that show up maybe on their profile or that you witness them do? On profiles, there are, I think, five big things. Like if you put this in your profile, it means you have no personality and that's if you list the office, if you list Game of Thrones, if you list any opinion about pineapple on pizza, if you put hiking and if you put coffee, those are the big things.

Like if you include one of those keywords, you're not an interesting person. Wow. This is devastating for so many people listening right now. Everyone's editing their bio right now. Exactly. And you know what? You're so specific and probably so right. What about photographs?

Are there certain photographs who you think, okay, I can't stand this person? Jim Selfies and pictures where a man is holding a fish. So what's that all about? Oh, Jesus, wait a minute. I just realized my profile photo is me in a gym without a shirt. Holding a fish. Yeah, you were actually curling it like a weight. Yeah, I'm curling it.

And fortunately, it's a very light trout. Wait a minute. So Jim Selfies and anyone who's holding a fish, meaning they're in a boat and they're holding up the fish like, look what I just caught, they're not an, but you would like the guy, if he was in a bank getting a loan and he was holding up a fish, you'd like that. But if he's somewhere else making sort of an ironic commentary on the fish holding epidemic. Very meta. Very meta.

Yeah. I like it. Mariana, you are a very picky dater. You are, do you think, is there any person that's going to make it through that's going to be a keeper for you? Or do you think your standards are too high? If you're a woman, online dating your standards have to be high because it's terrible out there.

It really is. You know what? I wish my assistant, Sona, is not here. She fortunately found the right partner and she has these beautiful twins, Mikey and Charlie right now, so she's off on maternity leave. But this is something she could talk to because I used to tell her all the time. I really did. And I would tell all the people, younger people that work for me, especially the women, don't

settle, seriously don't settle. And I would give them these impassioned speeches about how they shouldn't do that. And I believe that. I believe your standards should be really high. But I just think when you start getting into, I mean, what if you met someone who was just absolutely fantastic and you're like, oh my God, I love this person. I want to be with this person for the rest of my life. And on the way out the door, they said, well, I'm going to go out and grab some pineapple

pizza, you know, and. What if they invited you over to have pineapple pizza and watch the office? That's specifically if they list them in their bio. If they do it, if they enjoy the office separate from their profile, then that's another thing entirely. Okay. Okay. That was just lit.

I mean, people that list those things as the most important thing to know about them, that's a dangerous sign. Yes. I know. I know they see that on everyone else's profile. I know they see it and they're like, still, that's the best thing about me is that I like the office. Yeah.

Wow. This is what you're deciding to put out into the entire world to the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. And you want them to know that you like the office, just like everyone else on the planet. Right. Right. Got it. Got it.

Mariana, do you have any kind of question for Conan? I do. What is the worst date you've ever been on? Oh, wow. Worst date I've ever been on. Well, first of all, let me explain something to you, Mariana. It's just something that happens later in life where you forget large chunks of your early life.

So I have vague memories of, I think I was set up on a blind date once and I could tell immediately the person wasn't into me and I think literally I picked the person up, took them to dinner. We both sat there and politely answered each other's questions and then I drove her to her apartment and deposited her there. Deposited? Deposited. Deposited her.

That's how it felt, like, and opened the door and she goes into her door and shuts the door of the apartment and I leave and we never spoke again. And obviously, I come from a pre-online dating world and so it was all just a mistake. It was all a terrible mistake and so that was a pretty bad date. I'm going to put that down. It was a completely blind date. I don't even remember how I think a mutual friend said these two should get together and it just didn't work out at all.

And so I remembered it feeling just like a job interview where you knew neither person wanted the job, no one knew what the job was and it immediately fizzled. Yeah, that was my story. And then it turned out later on she became pretty famous. So, you know, yeah, real actually super, super famous. I think we all know who I'm talking about. Jennifer Lawrence. No, it wasn't Jennifer Lawrence.

No, she wasn't born yet. It was Cher, the singer. Then I met her before she even knew Sunny and I was two years old and she was... Well, that's why. You could have been too young. I think it was the promise that I was only two years old and it was 1965 and she hadn't met Sunny yet. That was the problem.

Also, the fact that you deposited at her home. Yeah. Yeah. And she still remembers that. She's very bitter about it. Sunny and Cher sounds better than Conan and Cher anyway. Yeah. It was going to be Conan and Cher and I blew it.

But no, I really don't remember. I, yeah, I was always... I never figured out the dating thing. I always, to be honest, was sort of on the hunt for like, who's going to be my girlfriend? You know, instead of just the casual dating thing, I never quite figured that out. I never figured that out. And so now it's a different world where people go on all these dates. I mean, how many dates do you...

Would you say you go on in a month? Five. No. Five? It's awful. I hate it. I think I went on five dates in a decade. Yeah.

I think between 1983 and 1993, I went on five dates and you do that in a month. That's incredible. Yeah. I always recommend that people don't do it. Don't do what I'm doing is what you tell them? Yeah. Yeah. Like if you have the choice, don't date anyone.

Okay. Do you at least get free meals out of it? I do get free meals, which is fun. I always offer to split the check, but they won't allow me to, so... What about if a guy tries to buy you a drink in a place? Do you accept the drink? How does all that work? I've never understood how that works.

Oh, you accept it and then you walk away. So you take the drink and then have nothing to do with them? Yeah. You know, I would always get things wrong. When I was younger, I didn't know, is it too forward to send a drink over? What if they don't drink? What if that seems creepy? So I would send a salad over and...

Jesus. Yeah. Usually like a cob salad, sometimes one that just... Oh my God, they're probably thinking, oh, he thinks I need to lose my... Exactly. Yeah. I would send a salad over and they would get offended or just think it was weird. I just didn't know what to send over, so that was my move.

I'd send it off in a large cob salad over and... At least it was a large. Huge. Yeah. I always made sure it was a really big cob salad. Just you know, that was a pretty much an entree and I would send it over and they would look over and I'd do that nod like, hey, good looking. It's like you're telling her she needs to lose weight.

Yeah. Not if it's a large cob salad. Yeah, he puts a dozen eggs on there. Yeah. I would have eggs and there would be provolone in there, all kinds of cured meats. No, I always made sure, I was very sensitive about that. I didn't want people to think I was trying to get them to lose weight, so I went the other way.

So there'd be like six pounds of deli meat in this salad. It's like one of those challenges, you eat the whole thing, you get it for free. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You eat the whole thing, you get a date with Conan O'Brien. Yeah. That's just amusing me so much, the idea of a cob salad for the lady. Yeah.

Over there. The gentleman over there has sent this your way. You're crazy. Your head nods. What would you do? Marianne, if you were sitting at a bar and someone brought over a large, and I'm talking, this thing weighs about two to three pounds. It's in a punch bowl.

And they bring over a large cob salad and put it in front of you and they say, from the gentleman over there, and you look around and imagine it's a 30-year-old me. Let's go back to a 30-year-old me. Do you also have a salad? No. Do you have any food? Yes. Just a bourbon.

Yeah, no. No, I don't have a bourbon. I'm sitting there with a Diet Coke and I'm eating a giant birthday cake by myself with a wooden spoon, and I've got some of the birthday cake around my mouth, and I give you sort of like a, yes, a knowing nod as you accept the cob salad. Are you intrigued? I'm always grateful to receive free food. Are you repelled?

Nope, it's too late. She already said intrigue. Okay. Matt, you can't try to, Matt, you're leading the witness. If you want, you can say that you just go over there and empty the salad in his lap. We just established that if 30-year-old Conan O'Brien could time travel and sent Marianna a massive cob salad over at the bar, and then she looked at me and I was eating a giant birthday cake by myself, she'd be intrigued.

I'm at the bar with the salad. Yeah, you're at the bar with the salad. A salad bar. Is she alone or is she with friends? You're with a bunch of friends. It's a wedding party. You're with a bunch of bridesmaids, and this is two days before the wedding and you all got together for drinks, and I'm like, hmm, who's that woman over there?

And I send a massive cob salad over. You're intrigued. I'd say I don't have a date to this wedding. Oh. Well, you do now. You got a date, I think. So you come over to my table, and you introduce yourself, and I go, it's my birthday. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Run. Run. Just throw the salad. And then I say, it's my birthday every day. And the waiter says he comes and orders that cake every day. And buys someone a salad every time. He's criminally insane.

And they lived happily ever after. Yeah, well, Mary Anna, thanks for sticking up for me against that. Sounds like, I mean, maybe something's wrong with him. If someone doesn't like Conan O'Brien, they must, I'm thinking brain tumor. I hope he's okay. Because you'd have to be way off the mark, but you stood up for me and I appreciate that. And thank you. You're welcome.

Thank you very much. And you seem like a very cool, intelligent, very funny young woman, and I wish you all the best, and I'm glad that you've set a high standard because you deserve the best. I really believe that. I don't know if that's true. I don't. You know what? Guess what, Mary Anna?

I don't either. I don't either. I was, you know, trying to put a nice thing on at the end, but I was totally just, you know, I was just, I was really over my skis there. Didn't know what I was saying. Wait, Mary Anna, I want to go find your TikTok with your app. My name is at Mary Anna Moritani, M-A-R-Y-A-N-N-A-M-O-R-I-T-A-N-I, it's a mouthful, but yeah. Man, if only you would have said that in a North Carolina accent.

Can you do that, Mary Anna? Instead, Fran Drescher just ran through the alphabet with us. This is only Fran Drescher. Wow, really fun talking to you, Mary Anna, you're hilarious, thanks a lot. Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan, with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson at Earwolf, music by Jimmy Vivino, supervising producer Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Doherty,

and Lisa Berm, engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production, in association with Stitcher.