Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - A Lesson In Provinces

Episode Date: December 23, 2021

Conan talks with criminal defense lawyer Anny about how he would do on the stand and which historical crime he would go back and commit properly. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. There's so much noise in my house. Okie's just crying outside the door right now. That dog is still with you? Once the babies show up.

Hi, Annie. You've caught us in the middle of an argument. Meet Conan and Sona. Hi, guys. No one would expect to catch you guys. Hi, Annie. How are you? Excellent. It's a real pleasure to meet you guys. That's so funny because just as you came on,

I was lecturing Sona. She was saying, oh, my dog's making noise. And I said, you still have a dog? You have twins. You've got to get rid of the dog now. And so, yeah. And then you show up. That's very awkward, Annie.

You saw the real me. Annie, aren't you a lawyer? Couldn't you kind of decide whether she should keep this dog or not? How does lawyer, how does law work? Wow. You're really not helping today. That's incredible.

Thanks, Matt. Oh, my God, Matt. I'll just log off. Let me take over now. And maybe what we've done so far is just completely incompetent. You take this one. Just this one. You take it.

Yeah, please. Hi, Annie. How are you? Excellent. How are you? I'm very good. And you're coming to us from, where are you? You're in Alberta? Yes, Edmonton. Edmonton.

Alberta is the province, is that right? That's right. The way British Columbia is a province, or Yukon, or Saskatchewan, or Manitoba, or Ontario, or Quebec. Is that the idea? That's the idea. I feel like you've missed a few,

but that was a very good recall. Yeah. Well, you know me, I've just always been obsessed with my Canadian provinces. You know, I think the other one I'm forgetting might be Nanavut. Is that one? That's the territory.

There's also Newfoundland and Labrador? Yes. Okay. I'm just trying to make sure that everyone stops listening to this podcast as quickly as possible. We did it. We did it.

It's done. Today is going to be provinces of Canada. And Annie, thanks for, thank you for calling in. What do you do? What is your, what is your profession, Annie? I'm a lawyer and I specialize in criminal defense.

Oh, you're the defense? I see. Yeah. Your job is to make sure that the criminal gets away with it and runs free. My job is to make sure innocent people charged with crimes have a good shot at making sure that the crown, that is the crown prosecution services,

actually proves their case against them. That's right. The crown is the state. Yes. So yes, it's the, it's the British system that you've inherited. So you are making sure that the crown doesn't wrongfully prosecute anyone.

Is that right? That's right. Yep. Okay. That's good. Quick question. Have you ever defended someone successfully? And then you get them,

you know, you get them free. And right after the case is over and everyone's filing out, they turn to you and wink and go, you know, I did it. Don't you? Has that ever happened? Oh no. I feel like that's a movie you're quoting.

I can't remember which movie it is. Well, I, I'm thinking of a movie. Oh, is there, is there one, is there a movie? The Edward Norton one? The primal fear.

I was thinking of. Okay. Right. I actually wasn't thinking of a movie. That's just the kind of mind I have. I could have, I could have written primal fear if some jerk hadn't come along and written it first.

So my apologies to that screenwriter. It's probably someone really famous. But, but yeah, that would be my only concern if I was the defense would be, because you seem like you'd be, I'm sure you're very good at it. And so sometimes you get someone,

do you, do you free someone, get them off and then you find, or you have a sneaking suspicion that they did it, but that's their right to the best defense possible, right? That's right. Yeah. I,

I don't know that it's actually ever, ever actually gotten that far, but I've certainly had clients who walked through the door and said, yeah, I did it. And. You're kidding. They tell you.

Oh no. It happens all the time. There's people who will have confessed to the cops and then we'll have to deal with whether or not that confession is admissible or whether we could try to get it strict, stricken. Right. So,

so as a defense attorney, it's sometimes kind of a drag when they immediately admit they did it and they actually did it. That's kind of like, ouch. Yeah. But sometimes they will tell me, Hey,

I did it. And they haven't told anybody else. So we, I then don't put my client on the stand and we just see whether the crowd's got enough evidence to convict because I'm certainly not going to help my client get convicted. If the, if the prosecution services don't have what they need,

and they still can't convict somebody that they don't have the evidence for. You know, it always looks when they don't, to me, it looks like if they don't put the person on the stand, there's this presumption that they did it. And I know that that's unfair, but the minute they don't take the stand,

I think they did it. You know, I just do if I was on a jury and the defense didn't take the stand, the person who's being prosecuted, I would stand up in the jury box and say, Oh, for God's sakes, they're guilty. And I would say that out loud.

Usually for not putting somebody on the stand, we try to avoid having a jury. So you can choose whether you tried by a jury or judge alone. Got it. And so for that very reason, we don't, if somebody's not going to testify, we try not to put it in front of a jury.

Right. Conan, you would make a terrible juror. Yeah. My thing about, if I've never been a juror and I've tried to be a juror, Annie, but they don't let me because they say I'd be a distraction.

I think that's true. Every time I've been dismissed and I've been told I'd be a distraction. And this was even long before I was famous. They just thought it was weird and that I would distract from the process. But I would, I think I'd be very vocal. I think that would be my problem as a juror. I do a lot of,

Oh, come on. You know, I'd say things out loud. There is some of that. I haven't seen anybody outright say, Oh, come on. Right. But I had a judge and jury trial once where the verdict was returned in

three minutes for not guilty. And so it was the length of time it took for my client to go to the bathroom and come back. And during closing arguments, I could see some of the jurors kind of doing the motion of, Oh, come on. Where they just leaned back. That's hilarious. That's hilarious.

I was, I almost got on a jury once. And they said I couldn't because I wanted to use an air horn. Oh, no. Yeah. And so, yeah. Can we just get to the question that everybody's thinking about? And that is,

Annie, do you wear one of those dainty little woolen wigs? Yes. No, no. I don't even think that lawyers in the UK do them anymore, except for the high court. Oh. So no, I did get to wear a wig for my law school graduation photo,

but that's it. It's a prop. I would say, but the only reason I've really wanted to be a lawyer in England is so that I could wear a powdered wig. And that's really the only reason I would, I've, I aspire to that is I think it would be so great if I lost the case

to take off my wig and throw it down in front of everybody and have the powder kind of come up in a little cloud. And then it scurries away. Then it, it scurries away and goes, Annie, we're idiots. I apologize. Hey, I have a question for you.

I'm assuming you, you must listen to our podcast if you've decided to join us. And so you must have some sense of my personality. How would I be as a client? Do you think would you, would I worry you or do you think I'd be pretty good on the, how would I do on the stand and be honest, please? Yeah.

Speak freely. If you hired me at the investigation stage, I would worry about you confessing or just, I think you're, you're going to talk nonstop and do bits at the police station. Why, Annie, what makes you think that? That's so insulting. Even if he's guilty,

even if he's like committed a murder, he's going to do bits. I'm going to do, Oh, Annie, that made my day. That's, that's exactly right. I could be convicted. I mean, I could be charged with the most heinous crime and I'd be doing bits with my glasses.

I'd be doing bits from all the movies I've seen and all of the procedurals I've watched on television. It would be a shit show. You would be beaten up by the other prisoners for sure. I'd be beaten up by the jury. I think the judge would get in there and start hitting me with his gavel. You'd be beaten up by the murder victim.

You wouldn't even get to commit murder. It'd be attempted murder. Wow. That's fascinating, Annie. You seem like you have a pretty cool life. What's your, you know, what else is going on with you? Just anything.

You know, what's, tell me about your, do you have a family? What's, what's happening? Yeah. I married my, I kissed my husband out of the apartment for this. For good? No, just for this,

just for this period of time. It'd be great. You got a divorce. Kind of demands total loyalty. You know, this is, yeah, this is something, this is a prerequisite. If you want to call in to the podcast

and we're going to, you know, talk to each other, you must end any relationship you're in. It's a cult. Okay. What does he do? So he runs several businesses in Vancouver, which is where we're from,

that are a mix of martial arts and daycare. What? I love, those things don't sound like they would go well together. You know, it just is like, well, what do you do? Let's see. I have a rodeo and a glass butterfly shop combined.

I love just, we'll take good care of your kid and then the minute the parents are gone, they're all kicking each other in the throat. It's as hard as they can. Yeah. A fight. Yeah.

You basically have a fight club for five year olds. It's where all the money really is, is the streaming toddler fights. Wow. And the kids, I guess, I mean, it kind of makes sense. They'll burn off a lot of calories

and they'll toughen up real fast. They, if they've run around all day inside gym, which has padded floors, so that's the martial arts. As long as you've got the weapons kind of locked away in the back where nobody can access them. Yes.

Weapons. Like, what are we talking about with weapons? Like nunchucks. Yeah. Nunchucks, swords. Oh my God.

Throwing stars, those throwing stars, you can whip at someone that's sticking someone's forehead. I don't think they have throwing stars, but I think they do have throwing knives. Oh, okay. Well, I thought you're right. Because it's for kids.

You're right. Yeah. I'm sorry. I was being, my suggestion was irresponsible, but then you corrected things. And just full closet full of small arms and submachine guns?

Or what else do we have? No, no, no, no. It's Canada. No guns. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. They've actually got their shit together up there.

Sounds like it. And I mean that. Yeah. That's what I like about Canada, whether it's British Columbia or the Northwest Territories or Saskatchewan or Manitoba. Just had a few people back.

Or Ontario or New Brunswick. You look like you're waiting something. Or Nova Scotia or Quebec. I am not. These are tattooed on my hand. That's so much I love Canada. You left out Prince Edward Island where I assume your most ardent fans are.

I left out Prince Edward Island for a reason, which is... That's true. I had someone... My mother, when she finally went back to work, she hired someone to look after us during the day because there were six of us. And she was actually a lovely woman named Eva

from Prince Edward Island. But she had brought some customs with her from Prince Edward Island. And she once tried to cure... My brother Luke had a wart on his hand and she cut a potato in two, rubbed one half on the wart, and buried the other in the backyard.

Jesus. So that was, I guess that's something that happens up in Prince Edward Island. So yes, I left that one off and I apologize. I don't know. I feel like that goes hand in hand with some of the home remedies that Sona uses.

Yes, it does. I hear this and it makes complete sense to me. Right, right. I bet his wart was fixed after that. Like he was cured. No, he got gangrene. Oh no, she put the wrong half in the green. Yeah, exactly.

And the other half of the potato died of a heart attack. No, so, well, this is very good. And I'm guessing you may have... Some people have a question for me. You seem so much more intelligent than I, Annie, and such a better person. I don't know how I could possibly help you.

I'm sure that's not true. But I've got a question. Since I know you're a huge crime buff. Yes. If you could commit a great crime from history and then reverse what they did to get them caught. So you avoid detection.

How would you do it? Wait a minute. That's such an interesting question. Yeah. A great crime from history. And then how would I change the crime so that I don't get caught? Yes, so if you were the one who committed it.

Right. Like the great train robbery. I assume it's monetary since we don't want to make sure that the Jeffrey Dahmer doesn't get caught. Oh. Wait a minute. I was going to go right to murder and free a murderer.

Yeah. Wow. That's a really good one. Help me out here, gorelly. You must have thought, because I'm trying to think of one. They caught those Lufthansa heist guys, right? Or no, they never did.

Really good. Oh, what about the robbery at the Gardner Museum? Where they stole all the art at the Gardner Museum in Boston. That pisses me off because I'm from Boston and I just hate that people walked in and took that art. Did they catch them? No.

They never caught them and they never recovered the art. So what I would like to do is go back in time and be part of that crew. So they do catch you. Oh. Yeah. And then I would participate in the robbery,

but I would keep shouting out stuff that incriminated all of us. You know, like, well, you know, Tony and Vincent, it really is fun committing this crime at the Gardner. I can't wait to be done and go back to 353 Boylston Street in Boston. Oh, no. We'll divvy up the loot.

I would do a lot of that so that we were caught. Hey, those fingers of yours, they got right-hand swirls on the prints or they just... Yeah. Yeah. And I would be eating peanut butter out of a jar the whole time I was there with my hands

and offering it to the other robbers and then having them, you know, would all be leaving peanut butter prints everywhere. Yeah, and then pulling out their hair and just leaving it in places for DNA. Yeah. Yeah, that's the DNA I would want to leave. What?

Yeah, what? What do you say? Annie, you better get out of here. Yeah. I think it's just going to be very hard to get semen out of any of us. Aw, come on. Out of any of us.

I don't know. I'd say like, hey, guys, for fun, I brought these jars. And I thought it would be really fun. We had a circle jerk. In front of this Rembrandt. Wouldn't that be fun? Annie, did I go too far? Yes.

I think you went just too far enough. Thank you. Oh, my God. So in other words, you find me not guilty? Of comedy. No comedy was committed here. I do think your Irish guilt would get in the way of you committing any crime.

I think you would cry if you were like, in trying to steal art. Also, your love for posterity and history. Those are old treasures. Yeah. And also, my need to take credit for anything I did. That would be the biggest thing that hurt me as a criminal is I'd be like, can you believe that?

Yeah. I stole the Lindbergh baby. I'd be doing that right away. You would definitely be one of those guys that lingers around the scene of the crime well after. They always see him behind the police tape line just kind of looking side-eyed. Yeah.

And I'd be doing lots of interviews with the local media. Whoever did this was a real genius. And then I'd wink at the local camera crew. I could see Conan trying to participate in the investigation afterwards, you know. Trying to body up to the cops. Where are you guys in the investigation? Piper, dear stalker, cap.

Yeah, exactly. Dressed as a bad Sherlock Holmes. Hey, you guys. I went in on this caper. I'm pretty good about crimes. Whoever did it was a real smartaroonie, wasn't he? He had a brain full of pretty good chestnuts, don't you think? Mr. Brian, you're under arrest.

What? How did you catch me? All right. Well, Annie, it was delight talking to you. You're very smart, very cool, very funny. And I'm really going to try and behave myself the next time I'm in Canada, you know. And really that includes any place in Canada,

whether it's, you know, Saskatchewan, again, Manitoba. Oh, God. Oh, God. Annie, get out of here. New Brunswick, Nova Scotia. You can leave. Of course. Prince Edward Island, Newfoundland Labrador.

I mean, I just want to make sure any of the northern territories. Save us, Annie. Please help us. Declare a mistrial, Annie, immediately. Yeah. Podcast dismissed. Thanks very much, Annie. You can tell your husband it's okay to come back now.

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