Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Abbi Jacobson

Episode Date: April 19, 2021

Writer, comedian, and actress Abbi Jacobson feels scrumptious about being Conan O'Brien's friend.Abbi sits down with Conan to talk about hitting the mainstream with the webseries-turned-sitcom Broad City, exchanging letters with Tom Hanks, and highlights from her experiences working on her latest movie The Mitchells vs. the Machines and the upcoming reboot of A League of Their Own. Plus, Conan and his team consider the health impact of binge-listening to the podcast on another edition of Reviewing the Reviewers.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Abby Jacobson, and I feel scrumptious about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I love that. That's a word out of Willy Wonka. Hello there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast that we've been doing for… How long have we been doing this podcast now for? Matt Gorely, producer extraordinaire. More than two and a half years, I think.

Almost. Two and a half years. Can you believe that? I can't, actually, because it does feel like we just started doing this recently. I mean, I've been doing television, it feels like, since television was invented. There are early episodes. You can look them up online of me in the late 1940s, and I'm mostly… all the commercials are for cigarettes.

My doctor says that nothing's a better choice than Camel, but this just still feels so new, which is, I think, why it can also feel so fun. You're fresh-faced. Yeah, we've managed somehow not to drain the joy out of this. Every time we sit down to do it, I'm instantly in what's for me a good mood. I guess it's pretty relative, right, Sona? You weren't listening, were you? You know what?

Sona just drained the joy out of it. Now I don't want to do these anymore. Sona, you're not even listening. I am. I just… I wasn't sure what you were trying to say. Oh, so I'm in articulate, eh? Well, I mean, what are you…

What? Hold on. What happened here? Oh my God. I don't know. What happened, Sona? You said… This is…

I want to play this for a neurologist. Did you just go into labor? Yeah. Wait, you said… I just said that it feels… You're going to drain the joy and then you said it's not a lot saying what? Coming from you? Okay.

I totally… You know what? I love hearing you try to reconstruct it. It's like when kids play a game of telephone and the first person says, pass the jar of pickles and then the last kid says, Senator Sumter has launched an attack and you don't know how through five kids, pickles turned into Senator Sumter launched an attack. Yeah. Sona, will you just repeat what he just said?

I want to see if… You said, A, I completely forgot what the first one was. Forget the first one. That said, Senator Sumter did an attack. Launched an attack. Launched… Who's that? Is that a person?

Yeah. Oh, no. You know what? I know when you say, well, I know it's going to be like a long like, this guy did this and this is the date when this happened and you're going to teach me that. I love your total contempt for knowledge. Oh, this is something that happened once and this is what happened. That's called knowledge.

Oh, it's also your smugness. Do you ever mock the doctor, you know, when the doctor is saying things like, well, Sona, your children, your twins appear to be very healthy and what I would recommend, oh, yeah, we recommend… Well, Sona, please, I would recommend maybe vitamin B and I would also be vitamin B for me. Please, Sona, I'm just trying to give you… Is this what you do to your doctor?

That's the same. Yeah. It's the same as you rattling off a lot of information that I'll forget instantly. It's the same as my gynecologist talking to me about my future children. I don't have to say gynecologist. What? You don't… You get weird.

Like I said, uterus once. Don't ever say that again. Yeah. Never say uterus. Okay. Servix. Well, there you go. That's fine.

That one's fine? Yeah. Vagina. That's just your tailbone. Okay. This is the most confused conversation. Vajaroo. Vajaroo.

You're fine with Vajaroo. Bad vagina. How about uterus? You tarawoo. You taroo. You taroo. If I can turn it into a silly sound, it robs it of all of its sort of Freudian, you know, fright for me.

You desexualized it. Yes. If I can desexualize the most sacred parts of the reproductive process, then I feel safe. Your dirty talk must be insane. Yeah. I can't wait till my cockaroo meets your vagaroo and a baby grows in your uteroo. Of course, I was speaking to my wife there just so everyone knows that this was proper

conversation. Oh, yeah. It's proper. Well, it's a miracle I found a wife. It is an absolute miracle, let alone someone who's like a nice, normal person. Yeah. Here's this stuff all the time. That must have been a real right place, right time thing.

Yes. Yes. It was. Yes. Right place, right time. She had met me at any other point in history. I got her. Yes.

She was just ready. She was like, I'll take whatever else, just whatever comes through the door. I don't care. I've lost all faith in humanity. And then I stumbled in like the three Stooges when they say, don't worry, I've hired the very best plumbers. Crash. Hey, lady.

We'll plumb you up real good. You know. Wow. Well, we have an excellent show. My guest today co-created, wrote, directed and starred in the critically acclaimed Comedy Central series, Broad City, her new movie, The Mitchells versus the Machines will be available on Netflix, April 30th. I may also have a little connection with that film, but that's a secret.

I'm excited. Very excited to talk to her today. Abby Jacobson, welcome. Scrumptious. Well, that was my favorite word as a kid. It's a good one, right? There were certain words that I had as a kid that I loved, that I got out of comic books. And then I found out later on I was mispronouncing them.

So there was this comic book, my brother had action hero comic books, and I would read them. And sometimes they would say a macabre, you know, chill came over the room. And I would say, I would read that word and go, that's a cool word. And then I would announce to everybody, I'm feeling very macabre right now. Like, yeah, I was, it was bad. And the other one was sinewy, like they would say like Batman flexed his sinewy muscles and lept onto the Joker. And I would be, I thought it was sinewy.

So I, whenever I would try and talk and use a word, I would use it incorrectly. Scrumptious is a really good one though. I hardly use it. I don't know the last time I've used it. So very excited to bring it back in fashion here. I'm honored. Is there any, is that really how you feel you just wanted to use the word and you're feeling like really flat line, you're flat line about being my friend, but you wanted

to use the word scrumptious. So I was, I mean, first thought I was going to just say, fucking awesome. But then I was like, what do I, what's up better scrumptious is better scrumptious is like a delicious, right? It's just, yeah. It's fantastic. Yeah. There's so many questions I have for you about comedy and about how you got started and how

all this happened. And I thought, yeah, I want to talk, I want to talk to Abby about this. And the only way I could do that was to create this podcast. This is, this is why you did it. I did it in this, and it's called the long con, like yeah, I'll talk to him, Michelle Obama, whatever I have to do to get to Abby. That's what I want to do. Yeah.

I mean, listen, it, it, it makes sense. It all adds up. And finally, finally I'm here. And this is my last, this is my last episode. Yeah. This is my last episode because now it's worked. I get to talk to you. And, and then.

Well, you're welcome. Yeah. You're welcome. That you got, that you had to. I told you, Sona, a long time ago, once we get Abby, it's done. Yeah. Remember? That was in the initial meetings when we were first talking about this podcast.

You were like, this is just for Abby. Yeah. And I said, it's probably going to take two, two and a half years. And we'll trick her by talking to other people and she won't see it coming. And then we'll wait till she's promoting something, but we will never get around to promoting this movie. That's not what we're going to do. I think it's going to drill down on your life and find out what you're really about.

Oh, here we go. No, I, it's so funny because there are, I like to find like common points of reference with people and you're someone who I feel a kinship with because from the first time I saw you on Broad City, I could sense, I think this is someone very cerebral who loves comedy like me and I started sort of finding out who you were and I found out the first thing that made me go, Eureka, I've got it, which is you were fascinated with comedy when you were young, but you thought, I can't do that for a living. Yeah.

I mean, I was obsessed with SNL, Gilda Radner, old SNLs. I mean, I was obsessed with the current ones at the time in the 90s and that, but really was like sort of hooked onto the old ones, but it was never a thing of a thought process of like, oh, I'll do that because who does that? No one I know, no, it just didn't seem possible or even a thing that came up in my head. And all my, my, my mom and my dad are both artists. My mom was a potter growing up, so she would do these hand-built, hand-built boxes, clay boxes and would sell her art at craft shows around, I'm from Philadelphia, around the

tri-state area and I would like help her sell her artwork. That's how they describe a serial killer's root is she roamed the tri-state area. There's no pattern to why Abby's mom killed and killed again, but so she would sell clay boxes. Yes, these pottery boxes at craft shows and my dad was a graphic designer and works in wayfinding, which is this whole other environmental graphic design. And then I have an older brother who ended up, he was an incredible artist and I sort of did everything he did and he ended up going to art school.

He works with my dad now, he's a graphic designer and so the art avenue, even though that's like also an impossible goal as well, but that just felt very natural to my family. Yes, but I love that you said, I can't go into the impractical world of comedy. There's no money in that, ah, art. I'll go paint for a living. And that was your, that's almost like your substitute for okay, I'll go to business school, that's what I have to do. You sold out.

Exactly, I'll take the family path. Yeah. But I think it's because as a kid I was drawing all the time and it was so tangible and I was like, I'm gonna draw this dog and it looks like the dog and you see the positive result, like the ping of like, wow, I'm actually good at this and so that was way easier than a love comedy. I have this sort of feeling that I'm funny, but I just, I didn't know what to do with it kind of.

Yeah. I ended up minoring in video in college. I went to a school called Micah, Maryland Institute, College of Art in Baltimore and minoring in video ended up doing these characters that were like projected on gallery walls and looked at in a very serious light, but really they were just me doing fucking characters. I learned like later on, I was like, no, this is me doing comedic characters and I moved to New York to go to the Atlantic, the Atlantic Conservatory Program, which is like Mammoth. I know, I know you're not surprised at all because I really come off as Mammoth.

You are. You just, a lot of your improv choices are in reaction because that seems true to you. Well, no, because I look at you and I think Mammoth and, and you know, so much of Broad City is, is you and, you know, Ilana saying, look, the thing is the thing and the deal is the thing. So many sketches about selling real estate. So many. Always be selling.

We're always selling. I love that we have, we both have like one reference point there, but. Oh, I have others. Yeah. I only have one. I have any other ones later, but I, I moved, that's why I moved to New York because I really wanted to be a serious actor and I got to this conservatory, two-year conservatory and I was just like, fuck, this is not how my brain works.

I don't, I don't feel like I belong here. This is terrible. Like repetition classes and analyzing the scene, like every line, which is, I know how a lot of actors work. It's just not how I work and my roommate at the time was like, have you ever been, have you ever gone to this place called the UCB? We went to college together. She was like, I really think you'd love it.

Your videos are so funny. I think you'd love it. I didn't know about the UCB. It was on Comedy Central. I didn't know about it. I went by myself. This is the 26th street Chelsea location that is no longer there, which is devastating. And I went by myself one night.

I don't know what I saw. I don't know what show it was. And it was like that one of those complete turning point moments in my life where I was just like, I don't know what the fuck they're doing up there, but I want to do it. That looks like the most fun, the most satisfying, the most invigorating experience. And I quit Atlantic, started taking UCB classes at night. I took an Udahoggan class in New York because I remembered thinking it is the most distinguished approach to acting, it's serious, and I remembered they wanted me, they picked, they chose me

and this woman I didn't know, and they said, go up on stage and you have to tell her how much you love her and how painful it is for you to be leaving. But that's the point of the scene and you just need to emote how much you love her. And immediately I realized I'm not an actor. I am not an actor because I can't tell people I really love that I love them. I haven't been. Oh, am I ever going to tell her? I don't even know her.

She's pretty. But yeah, I remember thinking I can't, it was so clear. It was like I went onto a football field for practice. They threw me one football and my arms fell off and I just ran away crying with no arms. That's what I did. No doubt, I said I am not an actor. The only time I can tell someone I love them in a scene is if it's not real and it's a joke.

I can do anything if it's a joke, but I can't do, and of course acting is all about you've got to be vulnerable and show us who you really are. Nope, I'm Irish and that's not going to happen. I don't know if this makes sense, but you made me just feel like so much of what we ended up doing on Broad City, I actually felt was me being more honest and expressing more of who I am, then I'm more able to do that in my work than in real life, if that makes sense. Yes, it does make sense.

It does make sense. I mean, I always thought maybe you're playing some version of yourself. No, it's exactly, it's pretty much a documentary. Yes, it's a heightened version. Heightened version. Yes, but I know, but that I can do, I think I can do that, but improv is appealing because you do have that mix of control and then complete lack of control, and I found that I love both. I found it a little bit addictive because the high I would get from performing in that

way was unlike any other thing. Yeah, that's why I had to move on to real drugs because I get this, you know, during quarantine, I've really missed audiences and the excitement of the crowd, so I've just, then I just said, okay, it's time to do a lot of drugs and abuse them, and that's something that has helped me and Sona gets it for me illegally. Oh, we're going to have to talk after. Well, I can't go places and get drugs. That's what Sona's for.

That's exactly what I'm for. Most women who are as far along with twins as my assistant, Sona Moisesi, no one suspects. You know what I mean? That their bag is filled. I mean, filled with methamphetamine. Yeah, I got pregnant just so it could be a better cover for you when I got drugged. And I said it has to be twins. It has to be twins because.

Wow. Yeah. So you guys pulled, that's hard to pull off. Yeah, her husband's a very talented man. You're both. Yeah, so it's so funny how you got into that. And I feel like I'm confirming my suspicion because I've always thought, yeah, I think, even though I don't know you well at all, I've always thought, yeah, Abby is whatever

category I'm in, I feel like Abby's kind of in that category because, and that's why I was so fascinated to have a real conversation with you as I thought, okay, there's just so much here that I can relate to. It felt like it took me such a long time. And I know that you had this moment where you guys were making these YouTube videos. You said, okay, this is Broad City, this is this funny thing that we're doing. What's trying to get Amy Poehler involved? And that to me is there has to be a decisive moment where you get over your sense of whatever

demure about it or taking your time or not risking and you say, we're going to go for it and we're going to ask a famous person who we really admire and love if they can help us out. It was quite a moment to do that. Yeah. So we had done the web series for two years. We had about 34 episodes. When I look back on that time, like there's no other time like that, I miss that hustle

and we had all these people from the community helping us make all these episodes that are all like in other shows and movies. It's just incredible directing, like someone's directing SNL now, someone's directing Fallon's like all this stuff. Actors are on shows. It's just pretty incredible that like we all started at the same time and I love that about it. But yeah, I think I think we a lot of it and I both were at UCB for about three years

at that point couldn't get on any of those house teams unless someone really knew you. They might not have thought that you were, it's hard for me to think about this with you, but you might not have been the one that they would have thought would become you. Yes, exactly. 100%. I do not think anyone, I used to do a lot of comedy bits growing up, but I just, I don't think I'm the typical, like I'm not a standup either. I just don't come off as really funny.

I don't think unless I'm in my zone kind of unless I'm doing it. And Alana and I just couldn't break through. We weren't that, we weren't like the, you know, it was also only like two women per team on the, on at UCB. Which is fair and should still be the allotment. Yeah. Well, anyway, let's go. The producers did say for me to not go into this territory.

Well, listen, I'm sorry, they're always cutting this part out and I don't see why. Someone will get really mad. Someone listening will be like, well, God damn it, why doesn't Conan? They'll turn it off right at you. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. But we'll talk about that in a second because it's a real. No, but it was just that there were kind of two out of eight slots and it was just such

a hard thing to get on these teams. And we just, you know, I was terrible at auditioning, still am very bad at it. I just don't think I'm the person that you think is going to do comedy. And so that's why we made the web series because our dynamic was so unique to us and we just could not stop cracking each other up, but we're like, let's just fucking make something with us. And then we did it and it started, it was just so fun. And it was the first thing in my comedy career where I was like, I think this has some legs

to it. Maybe we'll get like staffed from this. Again, we didn't even have the confidence to think that we could be the thing. Like, well, someone else will hire us to write for them, you know, because that's sort of what's ingrained, I think, in a lot of women to be on, maybe, I don't know, yeah. And so we were just having so much fun and then it got to a point, we got this manager and she was like, I think you guys should pitch this as a show. And while we were coming up with that, we wanted to end the web series and we, Amy owns

UCB and I had seen that she was in town, like accepting an award. She's like, what, I don't know, on Instagram, I don't know, online, I saw she had accepted an award. Let's ask her to be in this finale. And we just shot, we would steal shots all over New York City and we asked her to be in it through the guys who used to stalk her, did you like find her at a restaurant? I mean, that's the other thing too, is that it feels like, this is like a Lucy episode, you know, from the fifties where, where, because it really did have that sound of like, hey,

Elana, did you see this, Amy Porter's in town, it says right here in the Daily Bugle, you know, she's over, she's, she's, and then Elana's like, yeah, apparently she eats lunch every day at McGinty's, yeah, yeah. And we show up at lunch with like costumes on, as if she wouldn't even know it would work. Right, the big mustaches and stuff, and your order, have you heard of the broad city girls? Oh, ladies, the plot fell through. Your mustache fell off, but I like your spunk and I'm, I'm going to executive produce your new show.

But the real story is that the artistic director at UCB had sent her, I guess, which is awesome if him, Anthony King, who wrote on broad city later, had sent her our videos and, and one of our teachers at UCB, this guy, Wil Hines, had sort of like owed us a favor and we asked him if he would ever like send it to Amy, and he did, and then she wrote us an email and she had watched it and loved it and was excited to do it. And that moment, I got to say, like, there's been a lot of moments, especially in the broad city journey that have been absolutely insane, like when the show got picked up, when it kept, you know, it kept coming on your show, like truly like out of this world moments

for us, but that one just Amy wanting to be in our web episode was just the turning point of, I don't know, I was at someone's birthday party, I remember at the Astoria beer garden, I got an email and I fucking left the party and I was like, this is it, she's going to be in our web series. And I was like, that's it. That's like, it was one of the happiest days of my life. You know, what's funny that you say is that I'm doing shows now out of the Largo Theater. That's because of the pandemic, we've been taping our show at the Largo Theater.

The Largo Theater is where I took that first improv class, where I walked in and put cash in a jar and there's a little tiny room. But that room is right where I'm taping my show now and it's 35 years later, I think. And I'm sometimes we finish taping, I've shown you the room, right, Sonia? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm always saying to Sonia, come into this small dark room and she doesn't go. Yeah, Sonia, I don't think you should go, actually. No, right after I get his drugs, come into the small dark room.

Bring the bag with you. Bring the drugs and then come into this and it's going to feel like I'm stabbing you. It's just a butter knife, don't be a baby. But that room is right. It's about a 15 step walk from where I'm taping my show after all these years. And I go back and I look in that room sometimes and I can't, I'm able to imagine a lot. I imagine things for a living, but I can't imagine that. And I think you must have that feeling of now you're very in demand and you're promoting

this massive movie by the guys that made the Lego movie and you're like a centerpiece of that movie. And going back to those times when you just thought, I think something's supposed to happen with me, but I don't know how it's going to happen. I feel like you've had that and that you're also someone who's sensitive enough to appreciate it because not everybody does. Yeah. I mean, I think I try to, as much as I can, just sort of like clock, not clock, like check

in and see that curve. Or it is kind of those full circle moments where like Katie in the movie that you brought up is this artist and is trying to figure herself out and does kind of feel that the same things, like I think she's a filmmaker and getting to play a character like that does make me, I just feel, I felt so, I related so much to her because as a kid, I did feel like that. Like I had this like artistic, I was just like always making stuff. And then it just sort of just changed as I got older into what kind of stuff I was making.

So that's like a full circle thing to me where I'm like, yeah, you're Lord and Miller. I'm in a Lord and Miller movie where it's just insane to me. You know, it's funny because I was thinking about it like the Mitchells versus the Machine, which is the movie that you're promoting. I'm also, I think a small part of this movie, they brought me in to do a voice of a computer. And these guys, they were so much fun to work with. They were just so supportive and delightful and creative and it was really fun. I had a blast and then I got like a lovely little note from them saying thanks and enjoy

your 11 seconds of the movie. But so I haven't seen the film yet, but Sona saw it and you were high as a kite after you saw it. I mean, just. Love it. Yes. Absolutely loved it. Loved, loved, loved, loved it.

And I, you know, I just, I want everybody I know to see it. Anybody who like any father has a daughter, anybody who's part of a family. I just think it's such a great movie and it's so fun and I just absolutely loved it. Oh, that's awesome to hear. That's, I haven't really talked to anybody that's seen it. That's not in it. That's awesome. Yeah.

Yeah, they sent the link for Conan and then I just watched it. Yeah. And I was, I didn't, I want to watch it with my kids because I think they're going to really like it. And so I, I don't know. So I was really excited to watch it with them and I thought, I don't want to watch it on some, I want to watch it the right way. I don't know if that's going to be possible, but I really, I'm hoping I can take them to

a movie theater and we'll all just wear masks or something. I don't know if that's going to happen. I don't know about that unless you sort of rent your own movie theater and do that. But I think. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Of course. Oh, I thought you didn't.

Did I make it clear? I'm very wealthy and I live in a bubble. Did you not understand? When I say take them to a movie, what the fuck is going on in this interview? I mean, when I mean go to a movie, I mean, Sona calls and says it's him and they know it. They know it's Conan. Yeah.

And they shut down the theater for the night and I just pay whatever the cost, however many people would have gone. And then each one of my kids drives over there in a, in a different Hummer made of rainfall. And that's what you meant by, by watching it the right way. Yeah. Well, let's see. I mean, I said right way, but I almost, I almost slipped and said only way. But oh God, no, go to a movie theater where they're, I mean, I'm not even talking about

pandemic stuff, but like with other people and stuff, no, I can't do that. Abby, when you get to my level, you'll see. I will. I'm excited to see. Someday. And look, I hope it happens for you, but I'm also going to tell you that there's a downside to it, which is I go places and Sona, you're with me. It's like a mania that people tearing at my clothes and trying to get ahold of me.

You know, I don't think it is, it's never been like that actually. Some people will glance over at you with like knowingly, but you've never, that's never happened where people have gone crazy. Um, okay. The glances feel invasive. Okay. It's their invasive glances, their glances are tearing your clothes off. They're undressing me with their eyes.

Their glances are undressing me. So, um, but no, I, I, you know, I love also that your character, it's almost like they really knew you because your character is someone who it's, it almost feels somewhat autobiographical, your character in Mitchells versus the machines, like somewhat who's someone who's, hasn't quite figured out how they fit into the world. It's neat that, I mean, obviously these people are incredibly good at what they do, but that they knew to go to you. Yeah.

I mean, I, I, I hope that's what happened. I wonder if there was a line of other actors before me. I know, I don't think so. I, I mean, you know, everybody wants to be in a Lord and Miller movie. They just, everybody wants to. So there was no one ahead of you. I know in my case, they were turned down by a bunch of people and then Conan was the go-to at the end.

Remember Sona? Yeah. They called and they, and they kept saying he doesn't have to do it. In fact, it's okay with us if he doesn't. And then I came anyway to the voiceover sessions and they, they were not pleased when I walked in. Yeah. You had me call them and ask them if you can be in it.

Okay. Do you have to have to tell people like this? Okay. Okay. All right. Let's not. Okay. No, no.

We're not going to edit that. Well, yeah, we'll probably take that out. No, but you should. No one needs to know that I randomly call about projects. I'm constantly calling around town and saying, you know, the, yeah, yeah. Once upon a time in Hollywood, if Pitt doesn't show up, I'm there, you know, I'll take my shirt off on a roof and then you'll, then you'll get some asses into some seats. Listen, that would have, I would have, yeah, that would have been a hit, I think.

You couldn't even finish that sentence. Oh, Abby, God bless you. Oh boy. I would have, if I could have, your dog is, I can see that your dog is behind you on a bed and your dog, when I said that, put both paws over. Yeah. It's a sofa. I'm not in bed.

Well, no, not a bed. I'm sitting on the floor. It's very bed-like. Because I don't have a desk. You're on my coffee table. Well, I'm going to buy you a desk, said the liar. I also love that your animation style, because I've seen your, I've been very impressed with your, your art, your, your drawings.

And I like that even, I don't know, some of the drawings in this movie feel like it's evocative of the kind of style that you would like. I, yeah. I mean, I love the way that they, there's, they incorporated all the different sort of mediums that, that Katie would use in filmmaking. So yeah, from the drawings to the shots and all that, I mean, I don't know if, if that was part of it, but, and I wonder what, a lot of people, I'm just going to say that a lot of people think I did, like the broad city animations, I didn't.

Is that what you thought? I kind of assume. Yeah. A lot of people assume it. It's not. I knew your, I know your artwork and I really like it. And, and also I like that your, your drawing style is, I'm trying to think who it reminds me of, cause it's, it's got like elements of like, I'm going to say a Roz Chast or someone,

but it's also quite different. I love Roz Chast. Yeah. I really, anyway, I really like your style. And so I assumed that you would have done the animation for. I tried to at first actually, I did it for the initial pilot and then I felt like, you know what, I don't need to wear all the hats on this. And I know someone who can do this way better than me.

We got this guy, Mike Perry, who I had been sort of geeking out about, uh, he's this incredible illustrator and he did, he did all those animations. Well, now you've broken, this is an important rule. You've got to learn Abby as you're, you know, as your climb continues. If someone thinks you did something and they're complimenting you, you just say, oh yeah. Thanks. You take it. And then you get the angry call.

Yeah. And then later you get the angry call from the actual illustrator. But fuck you. Yeah. I should have just taken that credit. Just say, yeah. I guess. Yeah.

And then also maybe, yeah, the Mitchell's first machine, you know, I'm not saying I did the animation, but I'm also not saying I didn't do the animation. Okay. Yeah. I'm not, I'm not saying. I just want you, and then of course you're going to get a call from Lord Miller. What are you doing? You're, that's very strange of you to insinuate that.

It's a very strange press campaign for me to go on. Yeah. But screw them too. You know, you got to break some eggs if you're going to make something get involved, broken eggs is an old saying that I'm very fond of. You know, I heard that you write letters and that also made me think, is this woman just not the perfect, perfect woman in every way? You write letters.

I write letters to people. And you know what they do? They don't write me back, but they call me or they send me an email and say, that's so cool that you wrote me this letter, but they don't write me back on, on paper. And I'm, because I've been trying to get that going. I use, I walk to a post office box, a mailbox, if you will. And I, I drop letters in there and people will call me on the phone or they'll zoom me or something and say, Hey, got the letter.

That's great. Loved it. Thanks. But they don't write back. What about you? They called me to tell me they got my letter. Yes. No, that person might be out of my life after that.

That's the whole point is to start the correspondence. How rare is it to get a letter? I wish I, I haven't done it in a while, but I love the art of the handwritten letter. I, I, you know, I've been trying to find the right stationary because I do it very randomly. Like, and so I'm using random notes and cards and I really want to get, do you have a thing? Do you have? Yeah. Will, you can actually grab it.

It's in looking at one of those drawers. I want to show Abby, and this is the geekiest thing I've done in a while. I can't wait to show Abby Jacobson my stationary. I'm going to probably ask you, cause did you get it made? Is it have your name on it? Oh, oh, go. Yes, I did. Go on the left hand and now go down one.

You're just rifeing through my door like a thief and he's wearing a mask. I love it. This guy is helping me out. Do you see, do you see the, the, yes, bring me one of those please. Just that one. I love it. You're wearing a mask and you're wearing a mask. You look like a 1920s burglar.

So this is what I made and you know what it is. Classy, classy. Well, it's old fashioned. It's actually, I talked to a guy and he said that he could use the same font that like the White House has used since literally 18, you know, 85, which is a very like specific font and it's from the desk of Conan O'Brien. And then I like to write sort of formal weird letters to people on this old Olympia type writer that I have and send them off to them.

And yeah, I don't think anyone's ever written me back. They really love the letter and they say, oh my God, I really love that. Thank you. But they don't write back because I don't even think they know how to do that. I mean, I would write you back. Can I, I don't think I've told this story. I have a crazy letter experience. Okay.

Okay. So I wrote a book a couple of years ago called I Might Regret This and I was doing a book tour. I'll try to make this as quick as possible, even though it's one of the most incredible stories that I have. And Tom Hanks is in front of me at the, at the book event and we're like sharing like a dressing room area and I'm doing, the project I'm working on right now is a readaptation of a league of their own for TV.

And so this was like, this was in 2018 though, and I was still, I was working on it then. And so we're in the dressing room and I was like, I've never met Tom Hanks. I was like, this is the time, this is my opportunity. I was like, hey, and, and I said, you know, this is nuts. I'm making a readaptation and he's like, what are you doing about the coach character? And I was like, don't worry, we're not touching the coach. We can't, you can't, you can't even go there, you know? And so he said to me, he said, do you want to exchange books?

And I was like, yes, Mr. Hanks, of course. And then I went a lot, I went on stage and I did my thing and then lived my life. And then I'm back in New York and I'm editing Broad City, I'm in the edit bay and the produce produce producer comes and brings me a package and it's from Tom Hanks. And there's a cup and saucer from him because I write about in the book how I can't stand saucers because they're like messy and coffee gets everywhere, whatever. And then a typed letter to me all about my book and like how he related to it and how much he loved it and how the book is about figuring myself out sort of late in life.

And it was so inspiring and it, yeah, it was just incredible. I wrote him back. He did not, he didn't, we didn't start, he didn't write me back, fine, but I did write him back. And I sent him a mug without a saucer. It's nice. Right? I thought it was a classy move.

Listen, Tom Hanks' assistant is very good at writing letters that you are sure. No, do not even do that to me. Hey, I'm sorry, everyone knows Tom is not a friendly, he's not a friendly person. And he has an assistant who just has the right touch. No. Yeah, I mean, he has sent me cup and sauce for so many times. Isn't that unbelievable? No, no, that's, no, no, well, you know what?

I would say it's unbelievable if I didn't know that fellow somewhat and he is an incredible gem. I mean, it's boring. Everyone telling their Tom Hanks is a really nice person, but he's absurdly nice and thoughtful and yes, and he's also a true typewriter fanatic. That's what reminded me. This sounds like I'm flexing and I know only know that word because Sona taught it to me. Trying desperately to pretend that I'm not 85 years old.

But I had a Christmas party here once and Tom and Rita live not too far away and they stopped by and at one point I'm like, where'd Tom Hanks go? And he and Nick Offerman had come upstairs and they found my typewriter in my office and they were clacking away on my typewriter. And you know, like with anyone else, I'd be like, what are you doing in here? What's going on? I was just so overjoyed because Nick Offerman is this guy who really wanted to be born in like 1805 and probably should have been.

He should have like a dairy farm, you know, and have fought in the Civil War. But he and Tom Hanks were just clacking away on my typewriter and I tried to for a second be like, you have no right, but God damn it. It was these two great men. Nick's like checking out the wood of your desk, Nick Offerman like, yeah, this is a fine mahogany. Now the joist here feels like it could be repointed. I have an all and an ad in my, I could fix that right away for you if I wanted.

I want to mention another name of someone who I really admire because I know you're working with her, I believe on a League of their own on this readaptation. It's Darcy Cardin. Yep. No, she's working on it as well. Yeah. Darcy is one of my best friends and we came up together at UCB. Oh, I didn't know that.

Yeah. I've known Darcy for almost 15 years. Yeah. Probably 15 years. And we met in a commercial acting class, like commercial auditioning class. Terrible. But we like sort of zoned in on each other. Yeah, Darcy is in the show, which is so fun.

It's more of a dramedy, the reincarnation, but it's got such hard laughs from Darcy and Kate Berlant is in it as well, like from the comedy world that I knew before. And yeah, I love Darcy. Darcy was on Broad City for a little bit too. She's just brilliant. And she's always really funny all the time. And she told me, I didn't remember this, but she said, I met her years before she got on television and I said, was I nice or, you know, like I'm always trying to be nice to

people. I want to think I'm a nice person, but I was thinking, well, I hope because I'm such a fan of hers and here I've met her and she said, oh, you were doing bits the whole time for me. I was like, oh yeah, my wife was like, yeah, that's him, like this receptionist seems funny. I'm going to try and do 20 minutes of weird bits with her. You go down the steps. Oh, I was doing like pretending to have a canoe, talking in different voices.

And she was doing shtick, I think. And then she, I probably, by the time I left, she was like, wow, what a needy, needy man. It was at a therapist's office, right? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Yes. They were trying, no, no, it's fair. Let's talk about it.

It's fair. It's a therapy that failed, but you got to try. Well, I'm, you know, I don't know, this is just, this is the conversation I've wanted to have with you for a really long time, so it makes me happy that we were able to make this happen. It makes me so happy. I've just been such a joy and such a pleasure to get to talk to you both. And I'll tell you something, well, you included Sona in it and that, oh man, god damn it.

No, I love you, Sona. I love you too. Well, I just said that for legal reasons. I hope you had a good time. Oh my gosh, I had such a fun time. I truly, when I got the email from whoever being like, will you be on camera? And I was like, of course, yes, like of course, it's like my honor to do it. So thank you guys for having me really.

Your people haggled over money for a while. We had to, that was kind of a pleasant to hear. Yeah. No, I do always pay for appearances, so. They paid us $150,000. Wait, wait, that's, that's what it landed on? That's what it ended up on. Yeah.

And Lorde and Miller kicked in. Hold on, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, it was a hundred, it was 150 grand. Yeah. It cost. You had to pay $150,000 to be on this podcast and the money's come through. We have the cash. That's not refundable.

All right. I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to make a couple calls. I actually have to go. Okay. Yeah, yeah, I know. You're going to write a letter. You're not going to write a, make a call. I'm going to write, I have to go and type a letter to my lawyer.

Four angry letters to my lawyer. Yes. Yeah, this was, please, everyone, do yourself a favor. This movie is coming out very soon, it's at the end of April. April 30th. April 30th. There you go. See?

You were professional when I wasn't. And I would say I want to finish that note, which is people find their people, that is one of the truest things I've discovered about life is that you spend the early part of it, if you're like us and there's a lot of us out there, there's a lot of people listening right now, young people who feel they don't fit in, they don't quite know what their role is, they think they have something to offer, but they have no idea what it is. I do think that a lot of the early part of your life, and no one illustrates this better than you, Abby, is having the faith to go out there and you will find your people.

And you did. And you found all these people. And you'll keep finding more of them, but that's, I don't know, that's sort of the magic of this. And that is one of those pictures where someone heads out on a road, Dorothy just keeps meeting all these people along the way, and then you can't imagine her without them. And I don't know, I think that's quite profound. And I'm glad you found your people.

And then because you found your people, we found you, which is really nice. So Oh, wow. Pretty nice, huh? That was really nice ending. You really brought it. And I did bring it. Your dog behind you looks very unimpressed.

He's very nervous. Oh, no, he knows he's been listening to a jackass. Let's do a little review, the reviewers, where I dig through Apple podcasts to see what people have said about the podcast and you guys can respond. Does that sound good? Yes. We must let the people's voices be heard, play away. This is from Goldbloom Noises, which I'm assuming is referring to this podcast.

Remember when Jeff Goldbloom was on and you and he both made a bunch of sexual jazz noises? I remember it every night. So then the rest of this is unrelated. But five stars, the title is 11 Hours in All Caps One Day. And it goes like this, I was just informed by Spotify in my 2020 roundup that I listened to 11 episodes of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend in one day. If that sounds sad, everyone should also know on my hinge dating profile my answer to the prompt, quote, I am weirdly attracted to blank, unquote, is Conan O'Brien in all seriousness.

This podcast was my constant companion this year, especially when I was growing through a tough breakup. I love the whole group's dynamic and cannot wait until the day someone on hinge messaged me saying they love Conan as much as me. Thanks guys. What a lovely thing to hear from who is this? This person give their name or no? Yeah, Goldbloom Noises.

Okay. All right. Then he's that's all I have. All Goldbloom Noises that is so nice. Wow. 11 episodes. I wonder what the side effects of listening to 11 hours of this is for someone. I wonder if he, you know, had any kind of bottle.

Oh, well, yeah, that's true. That's true. I don't know why. You know what? I'm going to say it doesn't matter. I don't. Unlike you, Sona, who's very sexist and all obsessed with gender identities. I don't care.

I am very gender fluid and I don't care. It's not important to me. Okay. They said weirdly attracted to Conan O'Brien. Now this gets complicated. Do you find that little needle in the haystack? But why? That was all compliment.

I know. I always find a tiny little piece of glass in the snow cone. It's weirdly attracted to Conan O'Brien. I listen to these now the same way you listen to them. I'm like, what is it he's going to hear that's going to upset him? I thought it was when the person said, I'm waiting for someone to tell me that they also get the Conan O'Brien thing. Oh, no, thanks a lot.

I hadn't thought. I hadn't latched onto that, but now, yes, now it's clear to me that go bloom noises put it out there that I like Conan and has been waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to say me too and has heard nothing go bloom noises dropped a penny into the I find Conan attractive well and heard no splash. No splash. Oh, man. Wow.

There's probably a lot more writing on the hinge profile, you know, it's not just the Conan line. No, go bloom noises sounds like an incredible person. Regardless of gender, I'm going to say go bloom noises sounds like a top notch human being and I am just going to focus on the fact that because go bloom noises was kind enough to mention me as someone that they found attractive, either physically or a personality that I'm responsible for no one responding. No.

Yes. That's what I'm going to. We're talking about a person who's listened to with ads over 12 hours of this podcast in a day. So what does that do to someone? I wonder if if you put this person go bloom noises through an MRI, would it show up somewhere? Would the doctor say, oh my God, have you been have you been drinking liquid lead? No.

What are you talking about? What were you doing? Don't tell me. And then the doctor said, wait a minute, you haven't been listening to 11 straight hours of Conan O'Brien needs a friend have you and the guy or girl says, yeah. And then the doctor goes, are you go bloom noises? Oh, yeah. What is that?

That's Jeff Goldblum. Yeah. It's just a little. I got. Oh, I'm just curious. Oh, I thought we were still in the doctor's office. Well, I did too. Did he come into the doctor's office?

Yeah. Goldblum is hiding. Whenever you're having a very personal exam in a doctor's office, Jeff Goldblum is always in the closet. I'm just telling you. Anyone listening right now, if you've ever had to take your clothes off at a doctor's office and have a very personal exam and then you hear from behind a wall, that's Jeff Goldblum. Knowing he was there would somehow make me feel better.

Me too. I can't explain. Yeah. Me too. I would feel reassured. He's a very nice guy. And if anyone had to be hiding in the closet, making weird semi erotic noises, I prefer to be Jeff Goldblum.

Yeah. Anyway, Goldblum Noises, thank you for that very nice review and very kind of you. Feel free to take me off of your profile if it's harming your life in any way. I don't want to be responsible. You know what I mean? Oh. You could put someone else down as a big influence. She didn't say you were an influence.

Oh. All right. He. Why are you doing this? They just said they were weirdly attracted. I just want to correct. Okay, so not an influence. And hey, first of all, if someone's listening to me for 11 hours straight, I've influenced

them. Second of all, why do you keep interrupting and saying these things that just make me feel like shit? You know what? You're right. I don't know why I'm doing that. It really, really, I'm piling on and I shouldn't do that and you're right. And I'm sorry.

But yeah, she didn't say, or he didn't say influence. They said they were weirdly attracted. You went and did it again. You just apologized for doing it and then did it again. Listen, Sona, I hear things the way I hear things the way I want. I want to hear them to create a better world for myself. It's like people that only listen, watch Fox News because they want to have that world reflected back at them and they don't look at anything else.

I have certain thoughts. And so what I do when I hear these critiques of the show is I make up what it really meant. And then when you say that's not what they said, what they said was no one, they put their, your name in there and no one's biting. Thanks Sona. You're right. And I'm sorry. Well, that's not the point, Sona, is to prove you wrong again and again and again.

That's not what this podcast is about. I don't know why it happens so frequently. I want to get a quick plug-in for a friend of mine, that's a long sigh. Yeah. I want to get a quick plug-in for a near and dear friend of mine from my Simpsons writing days. If you're a Simpsons fan and many people are for good reason, you know, Mike, the name Mike Race, Mike is at the Simpsons for, God, I think he's been there since Bart was born.

I think, you know, there's three seasons of the Simpsons early on where there's no Bart. And the show started in the late 70s, but Mike has been there, you know, forever. He's been at the Simpsons throughout and he's been one of the major creative forces behind the Simpsons. He's a brilliantly funny guy. I've known him for so long and he has a podcast now called What Am I Doing Here? And you should check it out because what Mike does is he travels the world. He's been to 134 countries and I think he's been kicked out of 131 of them and he goes

with his wife and his wife loves to travel and it's called What Am I Doing Here because I think he finds himself in situations and places and he doesn't know how he got there, why he got there. I think he's been to the North Pole. He's gone to Iraq. He goes everywhere with his lovely wife, Denise. So check out that podcast because Mike's a really funny guy. If you like the Simpsons, if you like that kind of sense of humor, just check it out.

What Am I Doing Here with Mike Reis? Available wherever your podcast or purchased or created. Thanks for watching. Our Supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our Associate Talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco Production in association with Ewald.