Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Ali Wong

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Comedian Ali Wong feels very new about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Ali and Conan sit down to talk about her father’s love of pajama pants, why travel is the hardest part of stand-up, the mysterious metrics of Netflix, and maintaining her strong sense of Asian-American identity. Plus, Conan talks to his assistant Sona about getting caught breaking the rules at Disneyland. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Allie Wong and I feel very new about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, my podcast which started out. It's a little bit of silly foolishness and has really turned into a joyful experience. I have a lot of fun doing this. Appreciate that people listen to it and I don't do this alone, parentheses, mostly alone. But I do have assistance. There's a lot of people helping me here, adding to this rich stew, if you will. I think I am the steak and the sauce in the stew. Really good wagyu steak. Okay. But every stew also needs some peas. Oh, which one of us? Sona, thank you for being peas. Yeah, those are good. People love peas in a stew. I don't know. Can I

be carrots? Okay, your carrots. I am a beautifully simmered and diced wagyu steak. Excellent flavor. I'm also the savory broth. You are the carrots, I guess now. Yeah. And then it's important, I think, to have a root vegetable, but not one that just feels bulk like okra. Yeah, like an okra, just a big root vegetable that's inexpensive, but adds a thickness to the sauce and fills it out, makes it less expensive to make, makes you feel like you're getting more than you're really getting. Yeah. Matt Gorley. Great to be here. Really good to have you here. Really good to be here. We are a good team. I know that people listen, they think that, hey, you're tough on those guys and I'm really not. You really are. I'm not. You really are. I'm not.

What are you talking about? You all know that this is just, I'm joking around, but after most podcasts, I take you guys out to a beautiful French restaurant and we have a wonderful meal. Do you remember that? Do you think that's ever happened actually? No. I've taken you to some of the most expensive sushi. I've taken you to French restaurants. I often, I flew you guys, you know the way Oprah flies her employees to different parts of the world on big trips? I've flown you guys all over. I flew you to Bartholona. Oh my God. I make reservations for you to go to restaurants after the podcast. That's the same thing as me taking you, isn't it? No, not at all. No, that's nothing like, not the same. Seems to me like the same thing. You know what? You're

with me in spirit when I go to those restaurants. No, I'm not. You forget all of this the second you leave. That's true too. Yeah. I'll have no memory of this. No. I do think we're a good team. I do say that sincerely. I know people out there listening, but I do appreciate your hard work, Sona. You add a lot to this podcast. Matt, I know you do something. I swear to God. I know that you do a lot with editing and stuff. I don't know. I don't know what you do. I honestly don't know, but you're a good guy and I know that you're working hard and you're really revered in the podcast space. I don't know what to say. Other than, did you ever think that three of us would come together into something? This is weird to me still, you know? Yeah. It's strange. You think

it's strange. You don't see the three of us as a... It's funny. It's like we came together. Most great movies are characters coming together that probably shouldn't be together. And I think this is a great, great American movie where three characters find each other. It's like three-person jury duty. I love jury duty. That's what we should call the podcast. We should have called it this... Three angry men. Two angry men. One chill woman. One slightly high Armenian woman. So specific. Well, they'll never think it's you. We're all very, very different. We're different personalities. I think so. You guys are a certain... No, I just match the fiery angry ones. Sona's the sort of cool, distant one. And then I think I'm the glue that holds us together. Let me ask you this.

If the three of us were to pull off a heist, what would our specialties be? Well, Sona would be the one that goes in and distracts everybody by playing this over-the-top character. Yeah, I could do that. The confidence man. I could do that. You would definitely be the person that's in the van that's wearing the headset. The blind hacker. Yeah, the hacker. And you're the one that never gets out of the van. And you're the one that's saying, and then I'm George Clooney. I'm the one that dangles on a thin road. No, you're Carl Reiner. You bakeroll it. You just give us the money for it. So I'm Carl Reiner. You know what? I love Carl Reiner so much. I'll take it. I'll be Carl Reiner and I'll bankroll it. And at the end,

I'll be wearing a floppy hat and go, I think we did it. Now that works for me. Those three things. That makes sense. We finally made sense of it. All right. Well, I'm excited. Great guest today. Terrific guest. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who's had two hit Netflix specials, Baby Cobra and Hard Knock Wife. It's also the author of the New York Times bestselling book, Dear Girls, Intimate Tales, Untold Secrets, and Advice for Living Your Best Life. You can currently see her on her milk and money tour. Check out alleywong.com for tickets. Still confused about who this is going to be? Allie Wong is here.

I saw you years ago. I was acting on a Chelsea Handler sitcom years ago here at the Warner Brothers Lot. And I was at the gym working out on the elliptical. And I saw you come in working out with your trainer. And I was so excited. And I was on the elliptical. And it was a really hot day and I hadn't drank that much water. And I was really excited to see you. And my nose started bleeding like an old Japanese man in an anime porn. I know the genre very well. I was so embarrassed and mortified that you might see me with blood gushing down on me. And then I took one of those rough paper towels that you wiped down the machine with afterwards to be polite. And then I pressed it up on my nose and I ran out of the gym.

Oh my god, I'm sorry. I wish you would say hi. Because that's my turn on. I really love, really, yeah. That's strangers things. Yeah. Was I wearing my late 1970s NBA short shorts? You, I saw the thighs were gleaming. The thighs were bioluminescent. I have a very, I have a, I'll make those jellyfish. Yeah. I have the whitest white skin that anyone has ever seen. Very long, a naturally long thigh bone. But we'll talk about that another time, if you don't mind. So I didn't get to meet you, but that was the first time I saw you in the flesh. You're, I'll say this right up front. I really admire your work. I've seen your stand-up specials.

I loved your movie. And I have read your book. And I am a fan of yours. But of all the people we've talked to, usually I have some kind of connection, but you and I have never really crossed paths except for that one time at the gym where it almost happened and you did not. Well, it's true because I mean, I think unlike probably maybe most of your guests, I became semi-famous. I'm not that famous. I'm like, I'm famous enough to the point where I can get a free track suit and I can't eat ramen on Satele anymore. But I had like a really good, I had a really good- Wow, I'm not that famous. You're a past me. I eat ramen on Satele all the time wearing a sign that says I'm Conan O'Brien. Please talk to me. Nothing. Wow, you're

doing great. Well, what was a good check. The other news that I dropped in at a comedy club here in LA and they have piggyback style hosting. So the person before, who goes up before introduces the next comic going up and the person before me was Martin Lawrence. And he didn't check the list to see who's going up next. And then they handed him a piece of paper when he was like, who's up next? And he read my name and he said, okay, your next comedian is great. Please welcome to the stage. A Li Wang. And I was like, I'm so excited that he expected a Chinese Muslim man to come on stage. That means this is the perfect level of fame I want to be at. Famous enough to get a free jump suit. But still Martin Lawrence thinks, sees my name and thinks it's a Chinese Muslim comedian

who's up and coming. It's Conor McGregor versus Al E. Wang in the octagon. Who will survive? So it's like, I saw I've been famous for like maybe semi-famous since I was 34, which is pretty late compared to a lot of people. So I think that's probably, it's been, you know, only three years since three, three or four years since baby Cobra came out. It came out in 2016. Oh, is that three years? Yeah. So it makes sense that we wouldn't cross that list. Time is accelerating too. I'm quite a bit older than you and time will accelerate to the point where things that you swore happened two days ago, happened six years ago. Before this podcast is done, I'll have been dead for a year. I mean, this episode, not the actual series. Yeah, I was,

I mean, we were talking just before we went on mic about you're wearing like a jumpsuit. I made some comment about it or I said, oh, you look nice and you made some self-deprecating remark about what you're wearing. Yes. And I immediately. I said sexy ghostbuster. That's not self-deprecating. I mean, I said sexy. Yeah. And ghostbuster is cool. Ghostbusters is a boner killer. But then again, most things are for me. But what about combining with the nosebleed? With a nice 11 nosebleed. There we go. Back. I'm back. Sorry, Sona. This is what you signed up for. You signed up for this. I apologize. I'm an assistant of 10 years, Sona Mosessian. And she's horrified by everything I say. Yes. But I was reminded of a line from your

movie Always Be My Maybe where you, that was what I thought of right away, which is when you're making fun of your love interest on and off again. And he's wearing a jumpsuit and you said, you look like a homeless astronaut. And I was like, oh, that's a good line. And there's, it's filled with like, you're a very good writer. When I look at your stand up and your work, I can tell, oh, you've, you really thought about this before you went out there. Yeah. It's a lot about word choice. Word choice. And I think that's a really boring answer when some people ask me to give them advice. And I'm like, well, you have to have good word choice. And then behind that is just really good instinct, combined with like worth work ethic. But yeah, I work really hard on

the writing. And when I do work out my jokes, I do do that thing where I'll show up at a club. Oh, I've heard about this. And I'll speak in this very sort of like ASMR kind of voice. And I won't really put any performance into the joke. And I'll speak really like, it's kind of like Clint Eastwood almost, but like, I'll speak very softly and kind of monotone, just to see if the writing holds. And I put very little performance. You don't want to give it any hamburger helper of energy or anything. Just to see if this joke is really strong, I should be able to just whisper it. And people will appreciate the construction and laugh. Right. And then sometimes people, and sometimes the writing is not good enough. And I did that whole whispery voice thing.

And then people walk away thinking, oh my God, she's lost it. She's a terrible comedian. It was totally a fluke. And I'm totally okay with that. And that's another, I think, like secret strength. It's like word choice and being comfortable with bombing in front of people who did not pay to see you specifically. Right. But the fact that you're able to say, no, I'm going to go out and I'm going to test these jokes just on their merits to make sure they're really strong. And then I'll add performance energy and confidence. Yeah. I mean, still when I'm in town, I'm on the road a lot, but when I'm in town, I still go up four times a week. But that's like nothing compared to what it used to be. I think when I was living in New York,

there was one night, I think I went up, I did nine sets. It would be normal for me to do six sets in a night, but there was one night where I did like nine. Yeah. Yeah. And I just really like doing sets. I love standup comedy. It's my favorite art form. This is an area that I have to ask you about because I'm fascinated by it. You talk about it in your book and you just mentioned it here that you're no better way to say it. You're really good at not giving a fuck. I think it's early in your book or your dedication. You say you're thanking, is it your father who taught you not to give a fuck? And I thought, I never learned that. And I've always thought that that might be one of my, I have more than, I have many flaws, but one of my big Achilles heels is that I always

care so much. I care too much about what other people think. And one of my motivators when I get out in front of people is I so despise the feeling of bombing. It's the scare. I would rather be shot with a gun than bomb. I'd rather have to go to the hospital than have people really think I did a bad job. And that feeling is so horrible that I do any kind of preparation I can to avoid it. Is that cultural? What is that? It's from my family, I think specifically, because I grew up in a very unconventional Asian American family that was really not concerned about saving face. They weren't concerned about academics. My dad, I mean, he just, I don't know. I don't know where my dad got this, but he always had the spirit of giving zero fucks about what other people thought.

And at one point in his life, I think maybe when I was like 10, he decided, you know what, buttons and zippers on pants are overrated, pajama pants, we can all agree are the most comfortable things in the world. He's not wrong. Specifically, Kirkland signature flannel pajama pants. And so he just had them, you know, because he was like a short man, he had to have like a foot cut off at the tailor, and he had like 12 pairs of pajama pants cut off. And he just wore pajama pants. Yeah, like Andre 3000. And then he wore that with like an Adidas jacket. It was like this accidental old, you know, hipster. Right. And he accidentally was the coolest guy on the planet. He looked so sophisticated and he just, yeah, he just didn't, he really didn't care, but he would like, if he

had to fart, he would do it so loudly at the most inappropriate places, like during mass on Christmas in a library during a lecture, and he during like a classical music performance and his timing, it seemed on purpose, but it was really just, he just didn't care. He was like, I got to do what I got to do. And you can deal with it. However you please. And I do God bless it. And I do care deeply about what my family think and what my friends think. I'm like very, and it's very, I'm very sensitive about that. So I felt so free when I got up, you know, in front of an anonymous crowd, there's so much power and anonymity for an audience. That's why like when my friends are like, I want to come to your show, I'm like, please don't go to my show. Yeah, me too. I don't want,

I don't want people I know seeing me do anything. Yeah. But when it's like people that who aren't my friends or family, I feel, I feel very liberated. But yeah, I think I mostly got it from my family. The other things that I grew up with siblings who are much older than me. So, oh God, I think my oldest sister is like, she's in her fifties. I'm 38. My other sister's 48. And my brother is, I think, 50. So I was an accident or as I like to call it a blessing. And when I, by the time I was born, my siblings had really put my parents through the ringer. And by the time I was in eighth grade, all my siblings had gone through some sort of major crisis. My brother got caught doing drugs like a bunch of times. My other sister had dropped out of law school and she was like in a really

low place. My other sister fell off a cliff and got stuck in a hole and almost had to have your her leg amputated. Wait a minute. That's something that doesn't happen in the 21st century. What are you talking about? Falling off a cliff. That's something that happens to like caveman odd. I fell off a cliff and into a hole. She fell off a cliff into a hole and she had to like get helicoptered out. Oh my God. That's terrible. And so by the time, she's okay now. But by the time I was born, like by the time I was 10, my parents were like, just stay alive. The bar was low. The bar was so low. Like you might get arrested, but like as long as you stay alive, you know, and they really prioritized like mental well-being, which again is also very unusual.

I got invited to prom by a senior when I was a freshman. And I said, no, because I didn't want to go because none of my friends were going. And my parents had heard and they were so mad that I didn't go. They're like, why didn't you say yes to this senior boy? Which is, that's a crazy thing for a parent to be upset with their child with. But they said to me, you know, we're paying a lot of money for this high school and all of these experiences outside of the classroom are just as important and critical to your education as what you're learning inside of the classroom. And no other girl in your class got invited to prom and you should consider it a privilege. So that's like how unconventional they were. Yeah. I can't relate

because my parents were almost like, they had like a very 19th century, almost Victorian sensibility. And I swear to God, I can't believe I didn't wear a corset when I was in sixth grade. But it was really complicated for me because my mom taught me. You were rubbing Olivia Coleman's legs. I was. Yeah. And that was just the start of it. There's so much more coming. But I had to, my mom always was cared so passionately about what any stranger thought of us. It was so powerful that then she passed that on to me. And then when I first, in 93, when I first became like a known person overnight, it was too much. She would tell me, I'd be like, how's it going, mom? And when I, you know, replaced Letterman from a total obscurity, I got the

shit kicked out of me for a while and rightly so. But man, my mom would say, well, I don't like what that man said about you. And I said, I'd be like, what man? Because I didn't read stuff. I knew that it was bad. And I just had to give them, well, that man at the. Bodega. Picayune Herald Dispatch. Like some paper that I would never see. And I'd say, well, mom, what are you talking about? Well, it's a circular that they hand out at a supermarket 40 miles from here. He said that you were a worthless nobody, but I love you. And I'd be like, okay, I don't need to know that. He said you're about as funny as cancer. Okay. But then she later on, when everything worked out, and I was a success, I would say, oh, did you hear all this really good news that I got about

being a success? And my mom would go, well, do you think that man at the Picayune Dispatch? No. Have you told him? And that was what she gave me, which I love my mom and she gave me so much good stuff. But my life has been dismantling that part of me, which is what I think there are many attractive things about you. But one of the things that is, I think is so cool is your ability to, this is what I'm doing. This is what's happening. And you can come with me or you can stay behind. And I think that's something that I really admire. I think it's great. I think it's probably a superpower. When did you know this is my thing? Well, growing up, I always felt so envious of people who had some really strong passion or some calling. I think when I was on the tail end of

the idea that a child should be well-rounded and that to get into college, the ideal candidate would play a sport and have a 4.0 and play an instrument and do community service. And then it kind of slowly transitioned to like, oh, no, you got to be really good at the tuba because like UCLA's like one tuba player graduated and you're going to get in if you play the tuba like really well and you're going to get, you're going to be so cool if you play and you're going to be on all these like hip hop songs if you play the tuba really well. And so then, but I just always wanted to be, I always want to be really good at one thing. And I tried, I was like in student government and I was like kind of good at tennis. And I remember being so jealous. There was this

one kid in my class who was so confident. He was this Asian kid who had glasses and he was so good at the piano. And I would go to his symphonies when I was in college, when I was in high school, because he was so good at composing music that we would see his symphonies being performed at Davie Symphony Hall, which is kind of like the Carnegie Hall of San Francisco. And I was so jealous that he had this strong calling in on his yearbook page. My yearbook page was like me and my friends drinking forties. His yearbook page was a picture of him when he was seven years old at Beethoven's grave. And I was like, I am so freaking jealous of Anthony Chug because he knew since he was seven what he wanted to do. And then, and I like, I was obsessed with this idea of like a calling. And then

once I did my first open mic when I was 23, I did it at this, this place called the Brainwash Cafe in San Francisco that was like, it doesn't exist anymore. It was south of market. And it was like half laundromat, half a cafe, 100% homeless shelter. And I did three minutes. And then I was like, Oh, like, this, this is what a calling is. Like this is like, it's like when you fall in love for the first time. And all your life you hear like, you know, Anita Baker and all these PN like Chade talk about falling in love and the idea of being in love. And you're like, what is that? That sounds pretty great. And then you fall in love. And you're like, Oh, this is what everyone's talking about. And I just really liked it. And I never, the biggest breaks I've taken from doing

sets was the first one was my honeymoon was when I went to Japan with my husband for like 13 days. And I like freaked out before and I was like, I don't know what it's like to do like not do sets for 13 days straight. The second break I took was after my C section, because I couldn't drive. And then I was that was like a month. Third break I took was my my second C section. And then the third break I took was the movie. Yeah. And that was like six weeks of not doing any stand up. Right. Which can actually probably be good for you because you do want to maybe stop for a while in order to come back at it from a slightly different angle. Well, it's interesting. I think I don't, I don't have that confidence yet that I can go away and

not do sets and lose it. And I get really scared of, I haven't, I've been doing it for a long, you know, I've been doing it since I was 22, but I don't, I'm really scared of becoming unfunny. Yeah. Yeah. Because I and having that muscle atrophy. Yeah. Let me tell you, when it happens, it's horrible. The, it was a minutes podcast. Yeah. Enter the podcast. Wow. Conan, you were really getting deep. That was you really. Yeah, I know. I sincere conversation time. This time to talk about people's pain. I've noticed that many, many times over the years that, you know, I always think comedy is hard all the time. It is always hard. And there are some people in the business that act like,

I could do that if I wanted, but I'm just going to be sincere guy now. And I'm going to talk about people's pain. And I'm going to try and get some, you know, some good acting roles. And I think it's too hard, isn't it? Yeah. You don't want to do that anymore. It's hard. It's, it's personal as fuck too, to like get up on stage and you're like so close to these people. Yep. They could, I mean, behave in any way they want. It's like, it's, for me, it's not the, the writing is the fun part. Yes. The, you know, as you, because you read my book, the hard part is the travel. Yes. And as a woman worrying about your safety, I mean, it is like, that's true. I went back in the day when I was starting out and making no money, performing in like Des Moines, Iowa at some club

like where they were paying me nothing to do, to perform like Wednesday through Sunday. And I'd be all by myself. They would put me up at like the travel lodge and you're the freeway. I would just sleep at night, literally with my keys laced between my fingers. Yeah. Yeah. No. That's hard. That's the hard part of comedy. And even now traveling is a lot easier because I get to do with my family. It's a totally different thing. And I get to stay in much nicer hotels, but it's, it's a lot to get on, get on and off airplanes and not sleep in your own bed. I love the times that I have been on a tour. It's been two times I've been on a tour and initially I loved the travel. I love the hotel. I love the soundcheck. I loved it. You love the soundcheck. I love the soundcheck.

I love the whole thing. I love anything that smacks of vaudeville. And I think for me, I always wanted to be, I think I wanted to be in like 1918 show business, you know. And because I'm Irish, I would have been horribly mistreated, but still I'd have been, I like old timey show business. You wanted to be an animal cookie. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I did. I did. And I wanted that level of show business. You wanted the trolley. Yeah, everything. I want to get on a trolley. I want to seal with a ball on its nose. What was that movie where Liam Neeson was like the boss of that, that man doing the, like, that's just a head doing those plays. Oh, oh, oh, it's in the Cohen Brothers movie. What's that? You know, you know what I'm talking about. The ballad of Buster

Scrubs. Yeah, man. You saw that and you're like, ooh. That's no. To me, there's an, yeah, basically there's a guy who can give great recitations and he has no arms and no legs. Yes. I'd take that. I'd be on that wagon and be brought into the town and then having Liam Neeson feed me beans. And I'd be like, I'm in show business. A curtain comes up and some old gold miners watch me and I bomb, but I'm in show business. I always loved that for a while. And then it hits me that I'm not with my family and this is really getting old. You didn't bring your family? No, I could never. First of all, my wife wouldn't, not up for that shit. Yeah. My wife is not, we got to talk about this because we have very much, and I think it's, it works for us and it's very healthy, but what,

my work is my work. Yeah. And so I've kind of kept my kids away from it. You know, they, for a long time when they were kids, I really did want them to think that I was like an orthodontist. And then I think they started to get the idea that I was on television and that people would recognize me. But for the most part, my wife, my kids, they don't come with me on these things, you know, because they've got their stuff to do. Well, they don't, my kids don't come to the show, you know. But they travel with you. They travel with me. I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, you can't now. That's appropriate. They're two and four, but I wonder what it'll be like when their lives become much more, you know, important in regards to like the weekend with their

activities and with their school friends. And, you know, they do miss some birthday parties and stuff. But for the most part, my tours scheduled around their school schedule. I pulled them out of school very rarely. The minute that I can't bring them with me, I don't think I'll be able to tour anymore. Right. And then I'll have to figure out what else. Maybe it'll be podcast time. Your husband comes to? No, no, no. My husband comes to. Don't go to the podcast face to. Absolutely have to. Really? Because this is me too. Yeah, my husband comes. Yeah, that's cool. Yeah, he was, it's amazing. He's very supportive. Like he sells merch, doesn't he? Sometimes in the lobby. Oh, every show. Yeah, he, so he was like the VP at this multi-billion dollar tech company. And then I

was like, I'm sick of this shit. We're both too, like we can't both be super busy. And I was like, I'm gonna poach you from your job. I will match your company's salary. Oh, really? I was like, if you agree to be available 24 seven to take the kids to the doctor whenever necessary, if they have any pink in their eye. But no, he doesn't just do that. But he's, he's, he's my tour manager now. That's fantastic. Yeah, it's great. I'm not sure how I would do mixing my, my personal life with my work. I don't know how I would handle it. Right now, I've always keep them very separate. It's like, you know, I keep the lettuce cold and I keep the bun hot. What's that from? I don't know. It's from McDonald's, but I just don't know if it applies here. Well, I think it's a perfect

analogy. Okay. It's absolutely dead on. And I think it's why I've finally climbed my way into podcasts. The point is that I just know for me personally, if we were working together on my career, I would, I don't know. I don't know how it would go. I would blame her for anything that went wrong. Oh, hilarious. It would be her problem. It would be, did you see that the house was that wasn't a, it was sold out, but I saw empty rows in the back. What happened? It should be like, why don't you fucking figure it out? And then the kids would be like, mommy, daddy, why don't you love each other? And Son would say, Hey, hey, hey, what's all chill and drink? And, you know, that's me. Yeah, that's you. You're always pushing wine on us in these scenarios.

This is a very small, he's been my tour, he's been my tour manager for, you know, like we've been on tour for a year and a half. When he met me, I was like a sewer peasant in New York. I was, you know, living like with eight people at one point. And one of them was a woman in her seventies. She was the landlady. Yeah. Like she was right across from me. And oh yeah, I tell that book that's starting my book about having to masturbate Amish style because I didn't want my vibrator to wake her up. This is true. I tried to muffle it with a pillow and I was like, I can still, the pillow is not strong enough to muffle. This 1999 vibrator I got at a bachelorette party. They do have an Amish vibrator. It has a wooden crank.

It's true. You can just constantly work the crank. Yeah. It makes butter at the same time. Listen, I went too far and I ruined what you were doing. So, so with, so this is a very short like period of time. We've been together for 10 years. So nothing in our relationship has been forever. You know, so it's like, if this doesn't work out again, like, you know, you with us, I mean, this, it sounds like real self-help you, but it's like, we can, in our relationship, we can only fail up. Right. You know, so it's like, if this doesn't work out, then we learn that doesn't work out, but we might as well as try. Well, I think also right now with, you said you have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, you have to be with them. And the fact that you're all together is that's,

that just has to be. And that's everything for a working woman is like, when you read all those articles about like how to balance motherhood and career and leaning in, it's all for women, it's all about being able to control your schedule because, and that's why like, I chose to play a chef in the movie because I so relate to female chefs because the schedule is crazy for stand-ups. Like you're gone, like Wednesday night through Sunday night, it's late hours, you're in a male dominated profession. And, but ultimately, like you get to, for stand-ups, you get to, and for, in my position now, I really get to control my schedule, which is huge. And so I have a ton of free time with my kids. And when we go on the road, I'm exhausted, but during the day, we go to the

aquarium, we go to a science center, and it's great. Yeah. Well, I'm available to help out. I'm on a podcast. You know, I was curious about, there's something that really differentiates us as you talk about doing ayahuasca and in your book. And my dad's a doctor. My dad was a doctor, too. Oh, really? Okay. So I grew up, my dad, being a microbiologist, I just was, you know, I wouldn't take an aspirin because I'd be like, this may alter various natural rhythms and reactions. So, yeah, I think I've mentioned this before, but when I was in college, I walked into a room and some guys were doing coke, and they were like, hey, Conan, do you want some coke? And I went, thank you, no. It alters the erotic rhythm. Could lead to palpitations. And before, I mean,

the door just shut on my face. And I was never, no one ever asked me to do a coke again. But, yeah, I think I would be, I don't think I have it in me to like lose myself to that degree. You know, like your, your story is very intense, by the way, when you're on ayahuasca. That is an intense story. Yeah, I was actually really freaked out about doing it because my, even though I did grow up in a very unconventional Asian-American family, the one part of them, which was very Asian-American, was that we grew up in very like worst case scenario thinking. And, but it was very specific and it was all related to safety. And so, and health. So it was, my dad did always warn me to like never do drugs because the fear was that you could go somewhere and never come

back. You know, you would be in some like wonderful hallucination where you're a deer peeing in the forest and then you might always think you're that deer in the forest and never be a human being again. I grew up believing that anyone who did LSD once had horrible flashbacks for the rest of their life and never got a job. That was something that I really, and I believe that. I believe that till I think four years ago, you know, until someone straightened me out. But so that's why. I literally, I think looking back, because I was, I was really freaked out about doing it, but I think I initially, my intention first in doing it was because I wanted to prove to my boyfriend at the time, who I like so much, that I was capable of being his vegan

warrior princess, because he was the most adventurous, interesting, like worldly man I had ever met. He had gotten this Fulbright scholarship studying human trafficking in the Philippines. He had lived in Mexico. He spoke Spanish and Japanese fluently, and he'd done ayahuasca and lived in the jungle. And like, I thought, you know, I thought I was tough. And I was like, oh God, like, this is a test. And you know, I gotta prove to him that I'm up to this. And that's why I initially went, but it changed my life. Yeah. Yeah, you had quite an interesting experience. We don't need to delve into that here. Oh, yeah, I read all about it in the book. In the book. Yeah. Where you made love to yourself. Yeah. You got to chip that part out.

Your dream, my nightmare would be. Those thighs? Having sex with myself. Come on. You don't want that? Why is this glowing man with copper chest hair rubbing up against me? Yeah. But that could give you, imagine if you had a good time doing that in your hallucination, you would see your body in a totally different way. And it would give you a huge amount of, you know, who know. So you think it would be therapeutic for me. I think so. If I took ayahuasca and then hallucinated that I was having sex with myself. Yeah. And had a great time. The key is having a great time. But I know how I am having sex and I know it wouldn't be good. But maybe you don't, you might just, it's all about discovery, man. You might, you might discover

that it's awesome and that you have it in you to, you know, be a stud. And then you might finally give zero fucks. So maybe that's what it has to take. I don't know. I don't want you to have flashbacks for the rest of your life. Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to do it because you suggested it. And now we have this recording of you suggesting it. And it's going to go very badly. And I'm going to have a weird sexual encounter with myself. And the lawsuit ensues. Oh yeah. I'm suing myself because I didn't get full consent from my own self and my mind. And then the whole thing's just going to fall apart. It's going to be a landmark case of Conan versus Conan. And you'll be, it'll be tied up in the courts forever because I am a litigious

bastard. And so is he. You'll cancel yourself. I'll cancel myself out. Yeah. You know, and up there with things, because it's, it's so funny. My favorite people always present so many, like they're, they inhabit so many contradictions. And you are, you have such a strong work ethic and you are, you seem like this totally in charge, uh, in control professional person. And then you talk about all the shoplifting that you did back in the day. Yeah. And I bring that up because my assistant has also done some shoplifting in her day. I shoplifted a lot when you were a teenager. Yeah. Um, you were like yesterday, you know, there was this wet and wild lipstick I could not resist at CVS. And it was so pink and so shimmery. And it was just.

And what was it about stealing it? I don't, is that, is that a thrill? I mean, you could, you could afford the wet and wild lipstick, couldn't you? I mean, when I was younger, all the, that's just what, that was like the culture. All little girls did that because they didn't want to ask their, it was, I did it when I was like an eighth grade and it was because we didn't want to ask our parents to buy us makeup. Got it. It was just like, I think that was it. And it was, and it was very exciting. Yeah. Sonny, you were quite a bit older. I, you know what, I have to admit, the last time I stole something was maybe 10 years ago when I was in my like 20s. Oh, yeah. That's all right. It's, I, I liked the rush of it. It was a hunt. It was,

yeah, it was, she stole it from the showroom. I just, I liked the, the sauce in the furious. And you were like, Oh my God. It was an adrenaline rush. Yeah. I am going to be Vin Diesel's vegan warrior princess and show him. What did you steal? Yeah. I used to steal from, I stole, the last thing I stole, I think was from Urban Outfitters. I stole a headband and I wore it and walked out in front of all the employees as if like, I'm stealing this. Like I, it just felt, Oh, you loved it. It was a rush. Yeah. Yeah. But I haven't done it in a while. I worked at Urban Outfitters and they were, they, uh, for like a year when I was a teenager and they would like pat us down before we left work and check the insides of our socks. What? They would pat around

their ankles and like, look, yeah. Cause so many employees would shop lift. Oh. I mean, that was like, cause. What can you fit in your socks? Earrings. Yeah. Okay. All right. All right. Socks. All those doodads. Yeah. You should just wear 30 pairs of socks. Yeah. Your feeder, you look like just a, just massive feet walking out of the store. Uh, yeah, I was, uh, I didn't, I didn't steal. Never? Nothing. I remember very clearly the time I stole, which is I was in nursery school and they put out a little, uh, box. They put out a big box of just junkie toys for us to play with and there was a little toy camera that kind of looked like a real camera, but it was a toy and it was very, very small and I loved it. And I just slipped it into my pocket and left the

little nursery school at the end of the day and that night couldn't sleep. And the next morning returned it and put it back in the box. And that was my really sexy experience with shoplifting. Piece of shit toy. Um, you know, uh, I spent so much time in front of audiences and wanting to always feel completely in control with, you know, with myself, my body, everything. And then I think of the times that you've done these specials pregnant and very pregnant. And I think, I don't know, obviously I'm not meant to imagine what that's like. It's impossible for me to imagine what that's like, but to go out in front of audiences in what many people would think was like a very vulnerable way when you're supposed to be projecting this absolute invulnerability

is kind of mind boggling to me. Yeah. I mean, I, I, and then I'll add just to add to it. You didn't I really thought it was cool that so much of the material wasn't about you being pregnant. Do you know what I mean? Which I really thought was neat. It wasn't a set about you being pregnant. Yes, that gets mentioned, that gets mentioned, but there's a lot in there that's not about that. And I thought that was, I don't know. I really, I thought that was very admirable. For the first stand-up special, I think I don't mention, I don't talk about being pregnant until 40 minutes in. Yeah. And then for the second stand-up special, I don't talk about being pregnant at all. Yes. Because I, I, I just didn't feel like it. Yeah. You know? Yeah. And for most of the time that I've been

doing stand-up, I haven't done it pregnant because, you know, people have been like, are you going to do it for every single special? I'm like, that's not a sustainable career strategy. And, you know, that's not, you can't just be like a pregnant woman and, you know, expects the success doesn't come from being pregnant. Otherwise, like half the population, you know, could sell out the, you know, the will turn over. But you have to, it's like, again, it's about word choice and write it. You would need to have 12 children, which again, you could do if you were one of my people, you could do that. But you would need to constantly be pregnant. And then a minute that you were delivered, you would be like, your manager in this case, your husband would be saying,

we need another child right away. I booked you in Peoria and you're supposed to be four months pregnant. Let's go. I can't, I, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to have any more kids. But yeah, like it was really, it was really fun. That's how we would describe it. It was really fun. And I'm so glad that each of them have a special now. And they're very aware of who was in which special. So, you know, my, my oldest daughter is like, I'm the one in the striped dress and Nikki's in the, the leopard dress. And it was, and sometimes I could feel them like moving while I was on stage inside of me. And it was like, it was, it was really, it was really sweet, you know, and there were, and then sometimes when I think about it and I'm on stage without them

still in there, I'm like, oh, I feel like a little bit, I had some, not anymore, but at first I was like, I do feel a little lonely without them inside. But yeah, it was a very, that was a very short period where I got to perform with them inside. I mean, I'm so glad that I, that we have that. You know, eventually they're going to hit you up for residual. Yeah, I know. I put them to like, Fred Savage thinks he started working early. Bitch, my kids started working in utero. Yeah. Those did pretty well. I looked into it. Netflix said it made this much money. Well, what's funny is that, you know, they're so secretive about their metrics to this day. I

still don't know how many people watched either of those specials. And it was so confusing at first with Baby Cobra when it came out in 2016 because, you know, there was like a lot of pieces written about it and talking about, at first I forgot about this, but like the first articles were all about me talking about miscarriage. Because we've evolved so much since 2016, but like even then people were like, I can't believe you're talking about miscarriage. And especially talking about miscarriage while I was pregnant. But I didn't know like there was no way for me to judge just how well it did. And that's a true story I tell in my second special about how when I was warming up to film Baby Cobra, I was pregnant and I was in San Francisco warming up doing four shows at

Cobb's Comedy Club, which is a 500 seat theater. It's a 500 seat club. And that's my hometown. That's where I had the best draw. But still, you know, I wasn't like I was not famous. And I was excited to warm up. I was like, this is my big hurrah before I take my special in my hometown. And I couldn't sell all the tickets. So they had to put half of them up on Groupon. And it was so demoralizing. And then after Baby Cobra premiered at Cobb's Comedy Club is where I performed my first set of dates after the special premiered. And I put it up on my website. And within two minutes of them being up for sale, they sold out immediately. And then they were on StubHub for $1,000 a ticket. And that's, and that's when I knew that my life had changed. But yeah,

but I wish I but I so wish I knew how many people actually watched it. Yeah, Netflix is a mysterious world. Yeah, I've had some experience with them. And I never know. I think they started that tradition from the beginning, because then everyone would know that nobody watched Lily Hammer. That's my theory. So wait, it's a whole business model to protect Lily Hammer. Really? I think so. That's fantastic. Yeah, that's my theory. Because if we have to tell, you know, Allie, then we have to tell Lily Hammer. You don't even know who stars in Lily Hammer. It's Steve Van Zand, right? Yeah, I love that you. We might have to tell Lily Hammer. He has a name. Does anyone know it? No. That's, that's fantastic. A whole business model.

That's my theory. It's very good. You know, I had, I also, you talk about racism in such a funny way because you talk about racism among different races that shouldn't really hate each other. It was like, it was hard to even do the math of why these different people hate each other. Do you know what I mean? Why does this culture look down on that culture? I don't know. Because they're all different cultures. Yes. I think at the same time, there's a dispiriting element to it. But I thought the way you handled it was a really good new take that enabled me to sort of laugh about something. And you were up on stage talking about it in a way that I think a lot of people can't. They don't have the tools to do it.

Well, I think that that's another part of my upbringing that's really unique is that, you know, I have like a very strong sense of Asian American identity and pride. And that's, that's again, due to my parents. I mean, because my, if you went to my house growing up, it was like full of just Asian art. And whenever an Asian American artist came out with anything at like an exhibit or a film, like my family would make sure to go out and see it. I grew up, you know, people always talk about how they never, Asian American people talk about how they never saw themselves on screen. I saw myself on big screen, the big screen all the time, because my parents took me to like every Wong Kar-Wai film since I was like five years old. And we went to the

Asian American Film Festival every year in San Francisco. And then I grew up in San Francisco, which is like Asian Wakanda. And then I went to UCLA, which is like the University of Caucasians lost among Asians. And so I didn't have to like struggle to, to convince myself that like we Asian Americans were capable of being charismatic and artistic and moving the culture forward. And, and of creating like great art. I didn't have to be convinced of that because I knew it deepened my cells and deepened my bones because I was raised that way. And so, and then I was an Asian American studies major. So in terms of like, with, with my identity and how I talk about race and people always, you know, try to get my brain and pick my brain about how I think about it.

I'm like, Oh, girl, I've been in flow state about like my racial identity for like a long time where it's like, I don't even think about it. It's just like, like a, I feel like a professional athlete playing tennis or something, you know? So, and I'm very lucky. And that's all because my parents. And now I try to do the same thing for my kids, where I purposely raise them around all of these really interesting and, and, and, you know, good human beings, but like interesting Asian American artists, because I want them to see like, look at like, you can like make a living doing this, you know, like we've grown very close to David Cho and his family. And like he, I mean, his, his walls are all like painted with all of his art and stuff. And he just shows them like,

you know, you can ruin a wall or whatever, because guess what? You can always paint over it, which is, I mean, what percentage of people will allow, you know, people to paint on a wall? Not me, but I'm not with any of that. And yeah, it costs a lot of money to repaint it. I'm just going to put that out there. And so, yeah, it's, and I try to do the same thing for my kids as much as possible that, that my parents did for me in that way, because it was a, it was a very empowering way to grow up. Well, you are a very funny and a very impressive person. And I, I'm so happy to have you here just because I was thinking today, I don't know. I don't know you. I don't know how I want it. I was like, oh, this is, this will be, this is what I like so much,

as much as I like to make fun of this podcast format. I prefer this to, you know, a quick interaction that we'll have on the TV show or, you know, watching you do a set and saying, that was really great. This is a real treat. Yeah. I really enjoy this. And I feel like, oh, I feel like I kind of know you now. I certainly know you a lot better and I'm glad I do. Oh, thanks. And, you know, you got to go. You got to get out of here. You've got kids, you've got a career, you know, I've got a podcast. So I'm just going to wander around Griffith Park after this. Lily Hammer's next. Really? He's waiting outside. Yeah. He doesn't even know his own name. I'm Lily Hammer.

Thank you very much for doing this. Yeah. Thank you for having me. Do you want to chomp louder? Please favorite noise in the world. Do you know how many pieces of gum he sticks in his mouth at any given point? Like six. It's horrifying. Conan's just chewing violently here into the mic. I thought we were done. And so I did what I do a lot, which is jam some gum in my mouth. And so maybe you could tell people what my habit is, and this is a real habit.

Well, for starters, you like very sweet, fruity gum. Well, no calorie. Okay. No. Okay. All right. Thanks for clearing that up. The world just judged you and then walked it back. This is an important detail. I don't want people to think that I'm getting eight calories from my gum. I'm getting no calories and cancer from this gum. So everyone can calm down. Settle down. And you stick like eight pieces in your mouth.

Not eight, but I will put five pieces of gum in my mouth and chew away. And I don't just double and triple not my shoes. I like tie them five times. And I'm a little compulsive about gum. Yeah. And when people hand me a stick of gum, it's upsetting to me. I want five pieces in my mouth. Why? How is that even enjoyable? And when I take it out, I want it to be the size and the weight of like a three-year-old's brain. My God, what?

And trust me, I know what that looks like. I've seen them. Why did you choose that? I don't know why, but it kind of looks like it's pink. It's got little crenellations. I love the word crenellations. And it's got to feel, you know what I mean? When I spit out some gum, it can't just be like a little tiny thing of gum. It really has to feel like I'm doing serious pediatric surgery. I'm sorry, but that's just the way it is. I've got something I want to talk about. Oh.

Yeah. Okay. You know, as that singer once said, Bonnie Ray, let's give them something to talk about. Talk about love. Oh, that was a terrible idea. Well, I don't know why I did that. I just wanted to let it play out. I mean, I don't know the song. I can't sing that song. I didn't like it.

And yet I went into, let's give them something to talk about. And I have to get this off my chest. And this involves you, Sona. Shit. I'm told you had quite an interesting trip recently to Disneyland. Oh, yeah, I did. This is something you told me on Monday. Yes.

You started to tell me and I wouldn't let you continue because I said, this fine wine has to be uncorked on the podcast. So I made you stopped. Okay. Well, you know, my friends and I, we bought tickets to go to Disneyland. That's normal behavior. And how many are there of you? There are three of us. Okay. Three grown adult women going to Disneyland.

Right. And you know, it's California. So I just assume you can take marijuana everywhere. Wait, I know that marijuana is legal now, but that doesn't, why would you assume you could take it to Disneyland? I just thought, oh, it's cool. It's a famously, and this is not any knock against Disneyland, but it's a famously button down place.

They really run a tight ship at Disneyland. You can take a carton of cigarettes. You can drink at California Adventure. So I figured you can also just get high in Disneyland. So wait, okay. So this is what you thought. Now tell the story. So I had a tin of chocolate, marijuana chocolate.

And I... Edibles. Yes. Edibles. And I had it in my bag and I didn't hide it. So it was like this tin that said marijuana chocolate. And then the guy opened it and you looked at me. You got to tell the story. The guy, you're going through the gate.

So I'm going through security and the guy opens my bag and it literally just falls out. It's, I'm not even trying to hide it. And it says marijuana chocolate on it. And these are the guys that are kind of dressed like old timey security guys, like little white captain's hats. Yeah, they're dressed like old steam ship captains.

Yeah. So he looks at me and he's like, you can't bring that in. And I look at him and I'm like, it's California. He's like, no, you can't bring this in. It's California. California Adventure. Yeah, like a whole new adventure. Yeah, seven knives fall out.

You can't come in here with us. Hey, it's California. These are my California knives. So he's like, you have to dispose of it. So my friends and I go by the trash can and we're thinking, we're not going to dispose of this. Let's just put it in a Ziploc bag and put it in our pocket and we'll walk in.

And you know, we just didn't hide it, right? So wait, so they told you, you were directed by these old man dressed as steam boat captains to go over and dispose, throw out your marijuana. So we get to the trash can and then we're putting it into a Ziploc bag and two other security guards come up to us and they're like, we see what you're doing.

Oh my God. And we were like, we weren't trying to hide it. We're trying to just put the weed in a Ziploc so we can take it inside. She's like, no, no, you can't bring it into Disneyland. Right. Which I thought was clear the first time. It was.

I thought it was clear when they said, you've got to go dispose of that and there's the trash can. Was that not clear to you? But you know what, also the guy who looked at me like, come on, try to hide it. The guy who first checked my bag. So I was like, oh, this is an, this is like a secret. Like obviously he's just saying like hide it.

It's cool. But he did not mean that. He meant get rid of it. Right. And I'm just going to say this because I'm a big fan of Disneyland and of the Disney corporation and the products they make. When they say something, I listen.

So Disney, if you're listening, I want you to know I'm listening and Son is not. So Son, what happened? So then the lady comes up to me, the security guard and another security guard. And they're like, we see what you're doing. You have to dispose of it. So I say, okay.

And I just throw it away. And she says, you can't throw it in the trash. Kids will go in there and take it and eat it. What? Yeah. So I said, I don't know what to do with it. And she said, Speaking as a former Disney trash can.

That's right. This is insane. Yes. You were, and this isn't even a joke, ladies and gentlemen in podcast land. Yeah. Matt Gorley worked at Disneyland and you were dressed up as a- I was not dressed up as a trash can.

What were you there? I remotely operated it. Oh, I thought you were dressed up as a trash can. No. I thought you- Not that it's much better. I thought that your job right before meeting me- No, this was years ago.

Yeah, right. Like a year ago. Is that they put a trash can on you and you had to waddle around and go, I'm a trash can. I eat shit and refuse. And I'm always high. Yeah.

So many people have thrown marrow water out inside me. Here comes that Conan lady again. Oh no, that Conan lady's here. Oh no. This is why I keep failing the LSAT. I want to be a lawyer, but I can't. It's a trash can that dreams of being a lawyer. Yeah.

Is actually really brilliant, but because you keep throwing marrow water out in his hatch, he's too high and he can't pass the LSAT. I'm doing that? This is a story I just created and guess what? Disney, if you wanted, it's yours. That's a great Pixar movie. Yeah.

So the security card comes up to us. She says, listen, either you dispose of it or your day ends here. For Mickey's sake, please make the right decision. Oh, this shit drives me crazy. Someone needs to work there. Wait, so she said, for Mickey's sake, and I said, who's sake?

She goes, Mickey's. And I said, Mouse? She said, no, Rourke. For Mickey Rourke's sake, because look what drugs did to his career. Mickey Rourke's. This is what they say. Every time I go to Disneyland, they're like,

for Mickey Rourke's sake, but it just happens a lot. Anyway, go ahead. She really said for Mickey's sake. They used to always say, have a Disney day with the managers and everything. It's gross. So don't say that. It's weird.

It is weird. It's what they're supposed to do. No, I'm not talking on the like. I'm not going to have anyone badmouth. No, it's a cult back behind the walls. Yes, you could tell. She did the way she was acting. That's very successful.

They make a lot of money and I'd like to work for them someday. Oh, so sad. So sad. Oh, my God. All right. So she said, for Mickey's sake, and we know I was like, Mouse. And she goes, Mickey's sake.

And then I said, do they make you say that? And she said, no, I'm telling you, for Mickey's sake, you need to figure out what to do here. And I literally, for a second, stopped and thought, do I want to do Disneyland sober? And I almost left, but we had paid like $300 for these tickets. So we decided to just get rid of them. And we went in, but they missed a few mints

that we had in a Ziploc bag. So we still had a really great day. We were high the whole day. We ate so much food. Basically, you also realize that you could go to any bookstore high and have just as good a time. You don't need to be at Disneyland. If you're taking enough of, and trust me, I've seen you,

you are like me with gum. You start popping those edibles and you chomp a lot of them. You could go to a Starbucks and sit there and just watch the coffee boil and go like, whoa. Yeah, it's really fun. That was my stoner character. It's good. His name's It's Cool Daddy-O.

That's his name? His name's Cool Daddy-O. I don't know. I don't go outside anymore. But listen, I'm on their side in this one. I don't think you should go to Disneyland and get high. I think it's wrong. And I think, for Mickey's sake, and I mean Mickey Mantle,

Mickey Rourke, Mickey Rooney, the tranquilizer. For the tranquilizing drug, the Mickey. I think, when was the last time you tried Disneyland sober? I don't know. I don't, when I was a kid. I don't know. Hey, I have a question.

Why do they think children are going through the trash can? That's, I don't know. And eating stuff. I don't know. That was so dumb. And you know what we ended up doing was just leaving it on top of the trash can and walking in. So I don't, I don't.

What? We threw it away and then she opened the trash can and took it out of the trash can. And then. Oh, she knew what she was doing. Yeah. I think, yeah. I think they're going to go home.

Chomp, chomp, for Mickey's sake. Yeah, for Mickey's sake. Chomp, chomp. Hey, look, there's Jim Morrison. He's riding a rainbow. I'm going to say that most of the teenagers and, you know, people in their 20s who are at Disneyland are, are stoned. Well, they're there.

They're all high in some way. Do you think the people at Disneyland know this? I, I mean, it depends on. Because you used to work there. Yeah, but I was in a like special like entertainment section where I think, sorry, I'm sorry. Don't say sitting in a trash can was entertainment. I'm not calling it entertainment.

That's the name of the department. What was the name of the trash can? Was it a character? It was called Push the Talking Trash Can. I may take my life. I did not make this thing up. Getting sad. So you were Push the Magic Trash Can.

Magic Trash Can. Push the Magic Trash Can. I feel higher right now. Shove shit in his mouth. Push the Talking Trash Can. Oh, sorry. And I was dressed just in like regular clothes and I had a remote control in a secret bag.

You had a secret bag with remote control. And a little mini microphone in my hand that I put up to my mouth and I would just stand in the crowd and I could hear people talk to it and I would operate it. And it would modulate my voice like it was, you know, just like a robot. So what would you say to people? Like, give me your churro or I'd go up to the other trash can

and say, Sheila, I want a divorce. I almost got fired. Yeah. What if you would start it going up and saying really, like, incendiary things, you know? At times, well, you'd have kids that would come up. You don't belong in this country. Oh my god.

We have too many of you. We're full, America. Like, just what if you became this incredibly conservative, awful trash can? Yeah. Oh my god. I don't like the way things are going in this country. Disneyland would be so upset.

It would cause so much trouble. Yeah. Or you started following certain people. I'm keeping an eye on you. There were kids that would kick it and I would roll the trash can up to their parents and go, do something about your children. And they would just let it happen. Yeah.

Your son's a sociopath. You'll be supporting him his entire life. Well, see ya. Well, it would just be great if you went around and just said crazy things that caused riots. I've certainly considered it. Well, we learned a lot here. Can I ask a question?

Why are you, like, trying to kiss up to Disney? Do you think they're going to be like a Marvel superhero? You know what I like to do? As I enter this more mature phase of my career. I can't wait to see your Kumail non-gym in the picture. Well, listen, when I... You were jacked. Yes, when I saw Kumail get jacked, I thought,

I could probably do that if I had surgery. If I had a torso transplant. No, I'm smart. I'm keeping my options open. You never know what's going to happen. I'm not going to burn a bridge with Disney. I'm not stupid. And I also want to say, nice shout out to Texaco.

No. I'm serious. Well, you need that fuel. Thanks for getting it. I'm not even kidding. I'm sick of people. You drive an electric car. I know.

But I still go to the gas station and fill giant cans with gasoline. I'm hoarding it. I have about 6,000 gallons of unleaded gasoline buried on my property here in Los Angeles, and I drive an electric car. That doesn't seem dangerous to you. Just have combustible...

All the birds in my neighborhood are dead. You're all just... I have to sweep them off the grass. The point is this. Here's what we've learned. We've learned that Sona can only go to Disneyland High. We've learned that Max is the only one we've learned that Matt,

you lived inside a trash can and said horrible things to children and their parents when you worked at Disneyland. Yeah, most of that's true. And we learned that I drive an electric car, hoard gasoline, because I think that it's the right move for me and a safe move.

We three, real cross-section of America. Yeah, yeah. You know, I wish I had an ending, but I don't. Yeah. That might have just been it. ... Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself.

Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton.

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