Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Amy Schumer

Episode Date: June 8, 2020

Comedian Amy Schumer feels fully indifferent about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Amy and Conan sit down to talk about comedians getting buff, cult leaders, debuting Amy Schumer Learns to Cook, and whether a baby can have “it”. Plus, Conan and his team celebrate the culmination of their second season with some parting thoughts. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Amy Schumer and I feel pretty good about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Was that too warm? No. I'm going to do it again but make it a little colder. No, no, no. Hi, my name is Amy Schumer and I am fully indifferent about being Conan's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking lose, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are going to be friends. I can tell that we are going to be friends. Hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is the podcast, we'll talk about this a little later, but this as it turns out is our final podcast of our second season and we have an amazing guest today. She's hilarious and she's very funny. I just want to point out that I talked to our guest, Amy Schumer, before all of the chaos and emotional horrors and convulsions that followed the killing of George Floyd and we

are in the midst of intense racial division right now and anger and we're also that butted up against COVID-19 and so we find ourselves in these very serious times, but I had this conversation with Amy Schumer who I love and she's just hilarious and delightful and we had this conversation before any of the upheavals of the last week, so I wanted to make sure that we explained that to people and so I know there are a lot of us out there, a lot of you out there that could use some laughter and could use some silliness and that is what that interview provides, but I also wanted to be completely honest and say that we're taping this segment now on the heels of everything that's happened over the last couple of days.

How are you guys doing? Sona, how are you? I'm okay. Yeah, no one's, it's funny, no one's good. I ran into, I saw a friend of mine, this woman and I said, how are you? She said, I'm good and she had her mask on and this is two or three days into the riots over George Floyd's killing and she said, I'm good and then she just stopped in her tracks and she turned to me and she said, I lied, I'm not good and I was like, I know,

it's a reflex to say I'm good. I'm guessing you feel the same way, Matt. Yeah, I think so. I'm sad, it's a sad time for our country and all of the people at the core of this struggle are justice for George Floyd and black lives, they're like, they're the best of the country right now so I'm trying to take some inspiration from it and let it push me into something and to do something and my heart goes out to all of the people suffering. Yeah.

Well, we have, you know, this making comedy at this moment is a strange thing, it's a strange task and at the same time, I do think people should hear Amy Schumer be really funny and awesome and then after that, maybe we can talk about where we are at the end of the season. Does that sound like a plan? Yeah. All right. So when I was going to do it, whatever you, no matter what you said, I was just going

to plow ahead. Okay. Just being, if we're being honest, you know, you're okay, didn't influence me one way or the other. Oh, okay. Yeah. You can go ahead now and introduce. Do I have your permission, Sona?

Yes, please. Go ahead. Okay. You're allowed. Amy Schumer is a hilarious comedian as well as an actor, writer and best-selling author. You know her from the Emmy Award-winning Comedy Central series Inside Amy Schumer and the movies Trainwreck and I Feel Pretty. On July 9th, you can see here in the new docu-series, Expecting Amy on HBO Max.

Very thrilled that she joined us for this conversation. Amy Schumer, welcome, Amy. You know, we're going to start with Where Are You? First of all, I would much rather be doing this in person. That's my favorite part of doing the podcast. I like people to smell me. That makes one of us. But this is now this weird way of doing it, but it actually has been working out fine.

Where the hell are you? Okay. As I've said in my text messages, I'm not going to tell you where I am. No. I'm on Martha's Vineyard. Yeah, but where exactly? I'll pin you. I'll drop you a pin.

Okay. Yeah. My husband grew up here, and so we fled New York. Now you're on an island. This is like where they send a dictator that's misbehaved, is they make him stay on an island. I like to think of it more as people with leprosy. Okay. You're a dictator with leprosy, you can see you've been sent.

That's how I identify. Does being on an island add to the weirdness of the quarantine? I think you're right. I think it does. I hadn't thought about that, but it's all very weird. It's also weird to go from New York, Manhattan, where I think they were estimating 20% of everyone was going to have it or something like that. And then come somewhere where there's been 29 cases total, but I think people are more

afraid here than they were in Manhattan, which is... So people are really freaking out here and we're like, okay, but we've been here for a couple of months now, but we're like, we just came from where it's really everywhere. But here it's like people walking around in human-sized hamster wheels to avoid contact. I'm like, you guys are okay. Yeah. You want to say to them, we're on an island. We've all been here for a couple of months.

No. Yeah. The COVID can't afford the ferry. It's not going to be able to cough up the $65 to get over here. And do you know what happened on the ferry? So having New York plates, if you drive anywhere out of New York right now, if you have New York plates, everyone is sure that you have it and that you are on purpose driving around to try and spread it.

So we were on the ferry, we have New York plates, like, okay, you have to stay in your car because you have New York plates, we're like, okay, and I had to pee so bad. And everyone knows where this is going. So I, with our nanny and our baby and my husband and our dog in the car, I had to pee in the car in like, I peed in our dog's like portable bowl because I had to pee so bad and we were waiting because ferries kept getting canceled because of the weather. And like, I didn't think I was going to ever pee in a car in front of my nanny. I just didn't like plan on that.

And it just kind of kicked the trip off like, in a cool way, like with a cool vibe. But I wanted to respect the stay in your car. There's a lot of things that follow up questions. Was it one of those collapsible dog bowl? Yes. Yes, it was. Did it go mostly in the bowl? No.

No, it certainly did not. Where are you sitting in the car? Shotgun on that trip. So front seat. You know? Okay. Collapsible hot pink dog bowl. I'm going to point out something to our listeners.

Please. Human urine is sterile. It's safe. You shouldn't be shocked. You shouldn't be afraid of human urine. And I think what you did was a very responsible thing. I commend you because you did not leave the car. You respected the people around you, the people you didn't respect were the people in the

car with you. The people in the car. That's a good point you're raising. Or your dog. Because your dog's going to drink out of that dog bowl. The dog knows you urinated in the bowl. And we'll always know that. You're not wrong.

You're not wrong. And she did. She did change the nature of our relationship. Tatiana looks at me a little differently and I put her water down. She throws me like a quick check. Like a quick look. Is this safe? And that's where I am but enough about me.

What about you? Have you been pissing in any cars in front of your family? You just described, I've done, we have this really nice wooden salad bowl that we got for our wedding. I've done it in that salad bowl but there was no reason for me to do it in the salad bowl. We weren't trapped anywhere. It was more of a compulsion.

I've done it several times and then I was caught recently. It was, and so that's all getting worked out with lawyers and stuff at my house. This feels like a good, I don't know if you ever do polls on this show, but a poll of which is worse, European unnecessarily in the salad bowl versus my dog bowl. Who wore it best? I'm going to guess that 99.9% of the votes are going to be that you did what you had to do during a pandemic to keep the other people around you safe. And what I'm doing is a sick act of aggression against my wife.

We might be surprised. We have to let the people speak. We have to let them speak. You know, I know that you are, how old is, is Jean now? Jean is got to be, how old now are we? I want to say, don't say weeks, I hate when people do weeks, like 172 weeks, 3 million hours. No, he's like a month, a year and a month.

Wow. I've got to say that I know people, these are the people who I think are the, obviously the medical workers and the people on the front lines of the real heroes. I think parents with a child that's anywhere up to four years old is a hero right now because my kids are much older. My kids are in their late 40s. Yeah, still in cribs. Still in cribs.

Yeah. Diapers. It's fine. It's fine. They're mentally, it's just a choice. But I have people that I work with that have two-year-olds and they're in quarantine with them in the lockdown. That's different.

A one-year-old is the dream right now. It's like a lap dog, like he doesn't know. He's not like, why are we here? You know, like he's, he doesn't know what's going on and we, and I get to hang out with him all the time. But does he sleep? Does he sleep? Oh yeah.

Oh. Takes two naps a day. Sleeps through the night. Yeah. Oh, I hate, I hate you. That's all. Oh yeah. I'm garbage.

I don't want to, I can't take any. All right. I'm not doing anything good for anyone. My children never slept. They still haven't slept. Uh-huh. It might be all the caffeine and we do a lot of cocaine, but they have not. And you raised them outside.

Is that correct? Yeah. Yeah. We lived outside. You did the Spartan model. Is that? They lived in the yard. They didn't see me peeing into the salad bowl, so they were in the yard.

Yeah. That makes total sense. Yeah. I did things differently. That's how I did it. And I refused to be judged. My dream, Amy, is I want, listen, I, I, I, I demand to be listened to. And I think it's time as a man, a white man that I was listened to.

It's your time to shine, girl. Say your dreams, queen. No, you know what I really want to do? I've told this to Sona. I want to clap back at someone. I want someone to, right, Sona, I've said this too many times. Yeah. Everyone now gets to post a picture of themselves and then 10,000 people will say, you look amazing.

And then one person will say, oh, you know, maybe that's not the best bathing suit for you. And then they clap back. And then people online say, yay, you clap back. Good for you. And no one has, no one has shamed me. I don't go out and the paparazzi has no interest in me, but I want to clap back at someone. Yeah.

And so. Oh yeah. You want beef. You want to, you want to get into a battle with someone. Well, I mean, I'd be happy to troll you on the internet. Yeah. Or even anything, anytime you want to shame me for something, you know. I really like, I really like bullying friends or like celebrities online.

It's, I have to, it's something I have to keep myself from doing. Even today, Jessica Simpson posted a video, I mean a photo and, and I want to say I really like her and I really liked her book, but it was like, got up and got my, like worked out before my three kids are up and just got some me time. And she like is ripped right now. Like she's, and she's in this like sexy and her hair is done. And I wanted to just write to her like super relatable girl, you know. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But I don't, but sometimes I do. Sometimes I, one time I wrote to Neil deGrasse Tyson. He was about COVID and he, and he said something about like, isn't it amazing what like molecules and I wrote, not now, Neil. Read the room, Neil. Read the room.

Let's not sing the COVID's miraculous praises right now. Yeah. I was like, I was worried. My mom, I'm one of six kids and, and one thing, and my mom worked and raised six kids. And you know what she didn't do? She didn't get up two hours early and work out. That's something that never happened in the seventies. It never, can you picture my mom doing that, Sona?

My mom just doing like- No, I can't. No. Sona, are you looking at the Jess picture? Like can you pull it up? Yeah. I'm going to pull it up right now because I'm fascinated by this. I mean, and like good for her. And guess what?

If I looked like that, I would do the same thing. But I'm like, it's just like, what? Whoa. Wait, can you show the screen? Oh my God. And wait, what? Is it say it's like me time? Woke up before all three kiddos to get my steps in and spend time with me, myself, and I.

Move, move, move for your own mental health. Oh my God. And then take a picture of yourself. Yeah. Yeah. You got to keep that to yourself. It's like any celebrity right now, just being like, stay home. It's like, we can't really say that because, you know, it's different.

It's like, if you're living in like a studio apartment and you have like two kids and you hate your spouse, it's different than like- No, it's all these people were saying, hey, we're all going to get through this. And in the background, you could see that they're living in a castle and there's a line of masseuses in beekeeper outfits, who are just ready to give them a deep tissue massage. And they're like, hey, we can all get through this. And I apologize for sending that picture out. And I've sent-

Shelter in palace. Just like I'm quarantining with my acupuncturist and my tarot card reader. Yeah. Hey, I want to ask you, what do you think about comedians that get- I'm talking, I guess, more maybe about male comedians that get ripped, that get really ripped. I've always been a little, because I've always thought, we're not supposed to be. And then I've seen some that really start working out a lot and I get confused. I'm glad you're bringing this up.

I'm going to have to give it, I'm going to have to give it two big thumbs down. It's unnecessary. You know, something that was so relaxing to me, when I shot Trainwreck, this amazing movie that you guys would all love. I love Trainwreck. Thank you. I was a size four in clothes. And people still were saying that I was a big girl.

And it was the best thing that could have happened, because I realized I was already going to be classified that way. And also, the reviews weren't sheet, you have to see how hot. It was like, I learned early, this isn't my thing. I'm going to try to be funny and do work I'm proud of. And being hot and being skinny is not going to be my thing. So when someone who's a funny person gets jacked or ripped, you're just like, stop it. It's also, I could be wrong, but I always thought, being funny was my concession prize.

For not, you know what I mean? It was my concession prize for like, okay, you didn't win the genetic lottery, but we're giving you this goodie bag on the way out, and it's got one of those candy rings you can lick, and it's got your personality, and that is your special wish. And that should help you procreate and keep the population going. Here's the stuff. You didn't get any of that. You should go now.

You should leave this party. But here's this bag. And oh, and look what's at the bottom. You kind of can make people laugh. And I'd be like, yay. And they're like, and then please put that bag over your head. Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, no. And you should go now. You should go now. Yeah. I mean, because to be honest, I feel like I spent years trying to be hot, because that's what you're taught. You're taught like, being attractive is more important than anything. That's what society teaches you.

They can set all these children's book personality and differences. But what the kids around you are teaching you is, be hot, or you shouldn't even open your mouth. And then you realize, oh, they were telling the truth. And it's so exhausting to see a talented, funny person trying so hard to be hot. Like we all know you're trying so hard to be hot. It's embarrassing for everybody. I got my lesson early on, which is when I got announced as the guy who was going to

take over The Late Night Show in 93, which is now 700 years ago, the first thing I read about myself was, well, NBC has made an interesting choice here, and they may have made a smart move. He's got good comedy credentials because he worked on The Simpsons and started out live. And he doesn't have, they clearly didn't pick a pretty boy for the role. Oh my God. Yeah. And it's all like it hurt my feelings.

I was kind of, you know. You're just like, why'd you have to say that? No, they always need a disclaimer. And they're like, she's round and cuddly looking, you know, and you're like, you know, or, and you're like, why these words and I mean, whatever they say, and, and now, but now they've gone the other way with like a site like Daily Mail, you know, they'll be like Olivia Wilde stuns in her sweatshirt, you know, just like some word that they attached to it. And then they're like an Amy Schumer walks with her stroll, you know, but that's the

thing with like all your sort of as a woman, because a lot of your worth is, you know, it's changing, which is cool, but it's determined a lot how attractive you are. And I wrote my college thesis on this about the, the male gaze and how all the movies we saw would be like the slow pan up from a woman's heel and, you know, you're watching that as a woman. Like this isn't how I see a woman walk in the room, you know. Yeah. I didn't know that you wrote a thesis on that.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, why would you know that? Unless you were like my teacher. Oh, you read my college works. No, I like to read. I'm always fascinated when someone writes a thesis because I wrote a thesis and it took, it almost broke my brain and it ruined my senior year.

And so. Well, wait, you went to Harvard, right? Yeah. So you're doing a commencement speech for Harvard tomorrow. Yeah. Right? I'm doing it for the college. They have a, they have a university speech and they have a college speech.

So I already taped it and I guess it drops. No one ever says that. No one says, Hey, my commencement speech for Harvard drops tomorrow, but now I get to say that. They should. You should have, that would have been a perfect place to get beef. You should have, you know, you could have planted a seed or you could have opened yourself up to get trolled by something you said in your speech.

I hope you didn't play it too safe. Maybe I did. Yeah. I didn't have the pressure on me that you had, but my thesis, it was talking about the female gaze and a lot of the female characters and books and movies that we were exposed to and just how they were, you know, I mean, the male gaze, how it was just all, you know, from like something like Madame Bovary to Citizen Kane, whatever. It was like, it's all, it was all like, and we didn't grow up seeing men sexualized very

much. You know, it was never like, if anything, that became a joke, you know, that's, it's just, it's very different. If you, you know, when you're like licking your hand and your nipple, if I do that, it's like a very different thing. It's so hot. If I do it is what I'm saying, you know, reading us through the roof. I was meeting it to be hot, so I don't know why you, oh, I'm sorry.

No, it is. Yeah. No, it's so. So hot. It's so hot. Take your hand away from your mouth. It's so, I'm sorry. I have a thing when I lie, I just.

Yeah. I thought you were vomiting. That's crazy. You know, it's so, it's so, it's so funny too, because we just happened to be living in this moment that really it's like, it's a blip, but walk through any art museum in Europe, walk through the Louvre, and the ideal of beauty or the canon of beauty has changed so much. I know.

And. It used to be me. It used to be me, guys. But. What happened? No, no, what I'm saying is it's, it's only recently that women have, or it seems to me only recently that the ideal has now shifted into being ripped for a while as being super skinny, like crazy skinny.

For women? Or. Yeah. For women. Yeah. It's almost, I mean, I'm glad the dad bod seems to be something that. Dad bod is it. Dad bod is fully it.

Well, also, you know, 95% of all of the art hanging in the whole world is by white men in all the museums, and that is your fault. It's my rule. It's, it is your rule, and we will respect it. You know, when I go to an art museum, and this is a bit of a, this has gotten me in some trouble, but I do always say, excuse me, before I go in, this is art by white men, right? And they're always like, yeah.

And I'm like, cause are we, are we clear on that upfront? And. You said it because you don't want to waste your eyes time. That's what I've heard. You've been quoted as saying, I don't want to waste my eyes time. I've only got two eyes, and yeah, that would go over really well. Excuse me. Yeah.

Excuse me. This is Louvre. I can only see work that's done by a white man. There, we're all clear. Here I come. Are you German in that? I'm kind of, there's a little bit of Dutch. Oh, okay.

Yeah. I can see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Here's something that just occurred to me, and let's say that Jean wants to get into comedy someday. You maybe not even have thought about this. I have.

I have. I've heard, I don't want my kids' feelings to ever be hurt. And so, I don't like the idea of any of my kids being in show business, or especially in comedy, which is so brutal. And then, I've told my therapist, and I've told people, well, I wouldn't want them to get hurt. And they say, isn't that funny? Because you've clearly, don't you like yourself?

You've, you've, you've been torn to shreds a million times. Why, why are you? Because, I mean, I feel the same as you, I think. And I think, I think Jean is so funny. Like I think he has got that thing, like wasn't it? He's one, and every parent probably feels this way. But I think he has like a funny comedy face and vibe. But I mean, in my personal experience, and the experience of most people I know, the

reason you get really funny is because you have a pretty bad life. I mean, that's the truth. Like, I think, you know, you can have like a natural ability, and you can be really funny. And, you know, Seinfeld is an exception to this, because he, he always like claims that he's had like a good life, and I believe him. But everyone else I know, had like a pretty tough childhood, and, you know, family drama and every sports doc, you're like, let me guess, was his dad hard on him? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You win again. Let me guess. But that's, it's funny you bring that up, because I felt the same thing about Seinfeld, and this is going to be a weird. Is this your beef? No, no, no. This is a weird connection to make. But they always say that all serial killers fit a profile, except for one, Ted Bundy.

Ted Bundy was incredibly sociable, and charming, and could really connect with people. And that doesn't fit any of the profiles for serial killer. And in the same way of, and people are like, wow, he's a real outlier. No one can figure out Ted Bundy. And I've always thought, and this is, this is no offense to Jerry Seinfeld. You think he's a murderer. I think he's the Ted Bundy of comedy. I think he's an outlier.

I think he's murdered, and he'll murder again if he's not stopped. I think he'd appreciate that, if he'd like that. Well, first of all, he likes to drive around in a car, and, you know, I'm just saying, and pick people up. He's always getting a new car. He's always burning his old plates. He's always getting rid of the old car. And also, I've noticed every time someone, most of the time, people, comedians do his

show and drive around, you don't see them again. So I'm just putting that out there, you know? That is absolutely true. Yeah. Let me finish. Okay. We've established he's a murderer, and I hope, and I can't wait to clap back on this one.

No, but what I'm saying is he's always seemed like an outlier because he's obviously hysterically funny. He's incredibly talented, but there's a sense of he's very calm and content. It makes me mad. Yes. It makes me mad. It doesn't make sense. I don't understand it.

He's been bugging me about him for a long time, and he's gotten away with it long enough. Yeah. I'll say that. Well, eventually, he'll make a mistake, and the police will catch him. I hope so. I am watching him like a hog. Oh, you know what, I really need to say this before I forget. Two things.

I don't know if I've ever said this to you before. One is, maybe the first time I was on your show, you came backstage and you said, I really want to encourage you, and that made a really big difference to me, and that's really what you said. We talked for a couple of minutes, but you said, I really want to encourage you. That was a big deal to me, and I felt like I heard you, and I understood what you were saying, which was like, stick with it, kid. John Krasinski told me this week that he worked with you, and years ago, is this a story that's

out there? I think people, I don't know what the story is, but he was an intern on my show. And he would come and watch, and you'd read the scripts, and he would laugh the whole time, and you were just, he made it sound like his position was sort of as low on the totem pole as possible, and you were so kind, and you made him feel appreciated, and I don't know if the producers on this call are thinking, this is not true, and this is not my... This has changed. He's changed.

He's a lot, a lot has changed. I don't know if it sounds like propaganda, or he's like, there's no way it's true. John Krasinski of Baltimore, this is a different guy, he was a busboy. The Fuhrer was good with puppies, he loved dogs. No, you know, it's... Wait, but I have a question about the serial killer thing, because so I've been watching a lot of cult things, like Waco was really good, and Wild, Wild Country, but that was a while ago, but all these dudes, it's like, whenever somebody starts a commune, some day

the leader always goes, maybe I should have sex with all the women, the children, you know? Yes. This is what I've noticed time and time again, is that the rule seems to be, as someone with a lot of personality who's charismatic, starts a cult, and it's always a guy, and he starts a cult, and then one of the first things is, you know, at first it all seems great, and this is Manson too, and then it becomes, by the way, just a kind of a notion occurred to me, and I wrote it down in this post-it note, oh, here it is, I get to fuck everybody.

That is, I don't know, did they ever make a sketch like that, because that would be so funny if it's like a guy like, okay, today on The Agenda, we're going to start growing our own rhubarb, for some people, so that's great, we're all, we're almost finished with the rhubarb. I want to thank you for that Martin, mostly Martin's work, and I'm going to start fucking everybody. Yeah, and no one else gets to do that, only me. That's me, and actually, you guys all have to stop having sex with your wives, because

now they're my wives. Okay, guys, I'm going to play a song. You know what's really funny, I read this book once, this will get me in trouble, but I read this book about the birth of the Mormon movement, and it's fascinating, because it almost reads like a comedy sketch, and I am not degrading the religion, but there is stuff early on that's insane where the person who comes up, he says, I was visited by an angel, and it's just crazy, I was visited by an angel, and he gave me some magic glasses that I can read, and that only I can look through, and then there was a tablet, and it told me everything,

so come with me, and people said, well, where are the glasses? Can we see them? And he's like, maybe later, but anyway, it gets to the point where it's like, oh, and I have an announcement to make, I get to have as many wives as I want. You're like that, are the glasses said all that? Yeah, yeah, exactly, I get to have all the women I want, I can have all the women I want, and people were like, okay, and they said, and how is this, and he says, because I had a dream, and the angel told me, and a dream, and visited me, that I get to have all the

women I want, and all the wives I want, and so people say, okay, then later on, someone says, hey, guess what, I had a dream last night, and an angel visited me, and the angel said I can have sex with whoever I want, and so then, the first guy says, oh yeah, an angel visited me and said, don't listen to the other angels, and it starts to sound like, seriously, like a really hilarious sketch, yeah, of children, no, no, no, no, my angel came and said your angel's full of shit, no, my angel came back to me and said your angel's a fuckhead, yeah, well my- There's a couple red flags, there's just a couple red flags there, I know that's the thing, because you know, you meet Mormons

and they're always so nice and good looking, and I don't know, you're like, God, what, just like, and then you find out the facts about the, you know, the way that it started and you just go, are you still, like, am I still gonna deal with you like a sane person? I would say, the only thing I would say is being right, I was raised Catholic, I think you were raised, were you raised Jewish? Yeah. Okay, well this, you know, this- You said you always wanted to be warned when a Jew is gonna be on the show.

Yeah, I was told to be, oh shit, I'm supposed to get him, like a big Jewish star. No, no, no, no, no, here it is, it says right here, she's Jewish, Conan, it just came through on my facts. Oh, okay, wow. Yeah, I have a facts line still, but anyway, no, I was just gonna say that whenever I start to find someone else's religion silly, I start to think about having grown up and going every Sunday to Mass, and there's magical smoke, and there's a cookie I eat, and then a cookie turns into Jesus, and then I drink some wine, and I'm sick.

I start to say, okay, okay, let's try and, I wanna be accepting, but I do find it hilarious. There's a lot of red flags across the board. I think Judaism is up there as well. Well, I know, I have to say, I dated many women of the Jewish persuasion, and I love that religion. I absolutely love that religion, I think it saves. It's sweet. I think it's a sweet religion, and I think it's a very warm and emotionally intelligent

religion. That's nice. It's also the only religion that doesn't recruit, you know, if anything, they're like... We're good. Why? Yeah. We don't need it. Why should we?

Yeah. Yeah, why? And so the funny thing is, Chris and I, so we're like, what should we do? Like, I really liked the food, the music, and some of the traditions growing up Jewish. You know, I don't... I'm not like a big Godhead, but maybe we should raise Gene Jewish. And we were like, all right, let's probably raise him Jewish. And that was quick.

And then I was like, he needs to be a Met fan. And it was like probably a three-day showdown, us deciding if he was gonna be a Metz. So... You know, if he could be a Boston team fan or a New York team fan. It was like an intense battle versus religion, which was kind of quick. Where's Chris from? He's from Martha's Vineyard. Oh, so he's a Boston's fan?

He's a Boston fan. Yeah. As am I. I'm from Boston, so... Yeah. So he and I... And I will get... You guys gonna go to a lot of games?

We're gonna high-five each other a lot. Which is gonna be weird, because we're gonna be each in one of those VIP booths, but in separate ones. So... Yeah, that's very strange. I'll have to go to... I'll have to walk to his VIP booth and high-five him. I think Chris is depressed. I'm actually worried about him.

Oh, really? Why? Because the Michael Jordan doc ended. Yes. I know how he feels, yes. And like the Lance one is cool, but it doesn't pack the punch of the... When he wasn't watching the Jordan doc, he was like reading about it or listening to a podcast about it.

He'd be like, wait, did you see that? He'd rewind and make me watch things again. And now I don't really know what he has to live for. No, after the Michael Jordan documentary, a lot of us don't know what to live for. I swear to God, it was also genius that they didn't release them all at once and you had to wait each week for the new one to come out. And I built my life around it and then you're right, there was a ton of just discussion in the press world and people saying other basketball players clapping back at Jordan

for what he said about them, I'm just going to say clapping back as much as I can. And it was fantastic and now it's over and I... You've got nothing. I don't love my wife anymore. You've got nothing. No, no, you need to start a new... You should be a shaman. I see you doing a lot of ayahuasca.

You got to change it up. No, he really... It's kind of... There's a lull among men right now, post Jordan doc, like what's it all for? Amy, I don't do drugs, but if I did drugs, I'd want to do them with you. I would feel safe with you. That's so nice. Yeah, you'd be safe with me.

But what do you think? If I did ayahuasca... Have you ever done ayahuasca? No, I've really only had pot and had mushrooms. I've never even done coke or ecstasy. I missed my chance. I feel like once you have a baby, you can't try a new drug. Here's what I want to do if it's cool with...

Yeah. That's the first thing the gynecologist tells you. Yeah. Hey. You have one egg left, and you cannot do MDMA. Let's say I'm very sure I've been very good. I've stayed home. I haven't talked to anyone, so I know that I'm COVID free.

What if I came and visited you guys while you have a one-year-old child and you're living on an island, and let's just say that I did ayahuasca in your living room and stayed with you for that day? Oh, so we're not even doing it, too. No. You're just... No, you're not doing it. You guys have to monitor me at all times.

Well, I do have a teepee. Gene has a little teepee, and I question every day if it's racist or not. I don't know if it's cool to be sort of, you know, what's the word, culturally appropriating a teepee for Gene? I thought you were asking, is a teepee an insensitive word? No. I mean, well, it's a teepee. I call it a Native American A-frame.

I don't know that that's what they want, you know? You know when people try to be so culturally sensitive that they're actually insensitive? That you need to like shower after they say something? Oh, God, it's so awful. Yeah. So he has an A-frame. I will do... That's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to make it out to Martha's Vineyard. I'm going to do ayahuasca and stay in your teepee, and I want you guys to check in on me like every two hours. Okay, we'll bring you water and like a bucket to vomit in. I need a dog bowl. I just need a dog bowl to pee in. Okay, those are being used. I'm sorry.

I'm using those for my business. I see. I understand. Hey, how's the cooking show? Yesterday, and I'll be very honest with you, I was... There are times where they say, oh, you're doing this podcast tomorrow, and sometimes I'm more excited than others. I was very much looking forward to this podcast.

I really... Is that true? It is. It is true, because I don't know why you would suspect, why you would question that, but... Well, just, I don't want to do anything. Like I assume you just don't want to do anything. Well, you know what? I like and I miss.

I very much miss, and I know you've had this experience too, where your job is you're surrounded by really funny people, and I love my family, and they're funny, but I've heard the jokes, and they're tired of me. I'll say it. They're getting hackneyed. They're hackneyed. Yeah. Yeah.

Their stuff is... I don't know. It's very derivative. But I... Yesterday, I pick up The New York Times, and this is a very nice article about you, and your husband, and your cooking show, and so I was reading it, and then I was like, hey, I get to talk to her tomorrow. Which was exciting.

Oh, that's nice. Which was nice. And then, of course, I was walking around the house saying, see? She's in the paper, and I get to talk to her tomorrow, and people were like, oh, you got to calm down. You got to settle down. Yes, sir. Please.

She's on the front page. Yeah. We got the paper, and it was a photo shoot over FaceTime, and I was like, great, we should always do this, but we have a cooking show, and... And your husband is a professional chef. He's the real deal. He is. He's the real deal, and the Food Network said, do you want to make this show?

And we were like, yeah, it'll keep us sane, and we'll be busy. I didn't anticipate that I wasn't going to want to be busy. I still had a writer's room going on. We were filming the show, and I'm very happy to not be having to do anything much right now. Yeah. But is that a good way to promote our show? Yes.

Yes. I think it's really funny. Chris and I, they send us cuts, and we watch it with our nanny, who's on the show, and we are laughing hysterically, because it's just watching a married couple be real. A married couple who likes each other a lot, but still get really annoyed with each other, and don't try and hide it. We are really snotty to each other, and I don't like all the food, and I don't know what I'm doing.

Anyway, I really haven't been doing a good job doing press for the show, but we're actually proud of it, and we think it's really funny. Well, here's the thing. This brings up something I wanted to ask you about, because it's something I struggle with, and I don't know that you do, which is I've had a problem in my life sometimes about caring too much about my work or my comedy. I care a lot about it, and then sometimes that gets in the way, and I've actually found that I've done really good work sometimes when I just didn't care and let it go.

You should say all of this to our friend, Robert Schmigel. Yeah. How did I know he had come up now? Yeah. Robert Schmigel was our, well, he and I, we wrote together and sent out live, and then he was probably. Triumph. Yeah, Triumph, brilliant head writer on the show.

He's my good friend. Yeah. I really love, I love him. Oh, yeah. He's. Yeah. I was like the other night, I was like, watching the Jordan doc, I was like, oh my god, I think, I wonder if he wrote the Bears, that sketch, you know?

He did. I was like, I wonder if he was, yeah. He did. And I texted me, he's like, I did. Do you hear my dog? Yeah. I hope, I hope that's your dog. I know.

Oh, do you, do you hear my son? That was your son, by the way. You know, when you're talking about your cooking show and you say, look, I'm, I don't always know what we're doing. And I didn't know that I'd be wanting to do anything, but I like it and it's good. It's sort of not your business, how you get there, do you know what I mean? And you being yourself is very funny. And your authenticity, I think, and your honesty about yourself has been just such a huge part

of your career. I like people who are honest about the bumps. It's also, it's also hard. I think it's, I think it's like some people are probably pretty relieved when I'm out of the room and that's a cross to bear, but I can't, like I'm supposed to have a zoom. I mean, this must have happened to you over the years, or you're like, we'd like you to zoom with this person, this person, this person for, you know, a project that's coming up.

I'm like, I already know I don't want to work with them and I really don't want to waste their time. That's why I'm not going to last in this business. No, you're through. Look at you. You're on this island. The pandemic's been over for six months. What?

Yeah. And no one's called you. And guess what? What am I doing on this island? The cooking shows aren't even airing. No one's going to see them. They're just, it's just, they're just, there's no tape in the, in the, in the, there's no tape.

I love how old I am. They've actually updated that. Yeah. I think it's crazy that I know how to cook anything now. It was kind of relaxing, not knowing. Now it's like Chris is making dinner and I'm like, all right, what can I do to help? Well, at least you've got that enthusiasm that will power you through a long marriage. I'm a great wife.

Amy. Conan. I've kept you long enough and this is absolutely a delight. Seriously. It's, I'm proud to know you and, and, and just very happy for you. You've done. Thank you. You've done a, you've had a beautiful career.

It's over now. What? I'm happy to be your friend. I really want you to see my baby. Can I bring him over here? Sure. Do you have time? No, no, I don't have time to see your baby.

We're, of course. I want to see the baby. You're not to speak. I'm sorry. Everyone's like, oh, leave us alone. We have our families we want to see, but no, we want to see a baby, babies are great. We want to see the baby. Look at the baby.

Chris, he's playing outside. Chris went to get him. We just kind of lock him out. That's great on an island. Yeah. He's down by the shore. He's fine. He should be fine.

He gets it. He's fine. Kids are really good by the shoreline, playing in the waves. You're going to like him. And wait, you need to tell me if you think he's got it. Okay. And trust me, no one knows like me. You are the industry.

I am the oracle in comedy. That's what we call you. Yeah, it doesn't really roll off the tongue, but it's what I am. I will look at Jean and I will tell you instantly if he has it or if he doesn't have it. I think he has like a Don Rickles. Like, I think he has got it. Okay. You have to be the judge.

Okay. Okay. Hold on. Here we go. This is exciting. This is a lot of pressure on me. Hello. Yeah.

Oh, honey. Oh, yeah. Hi. Hi. My little panini. Oh, what a sweetheart. I'm an older white man. Hi.

Don't be afraid. Oh my God. He's beautiful. Uh-oh. What if he's too good-looking to be in comedy? Are you cute? He is so good-looking. Gini, this is your big industry moment.

Can you wave hi? Hi. Yes. I'm my generation's Carson Daly. You got the part here. He is cute. He is so good-looking. Hey.

What an expressive face. Uh-oh. Hi. He's laughing. He thinks he's talking to his grandmother. All right. What does he have it? He has it, but what if it's not comedy it?

What if it's leading man it? You think he is a handsome guy? He is a handsome guy. He might be, you know what he could do? He could do light comedy, but still get leading man role. Like Brad Pitt. Okay. Okay.

So Gene could be the Brad Pitt of comedy you're saying? Yeah. Well, Brad Pitt's pretty funny. He is funny. He is funny. Yeah. Okay. Do you mind if I put that on his little resume if I become a stage mom?

Yeah. Conan O'Brien says that he has a Brad Pitt ability to be both leading man and play light comedy. Okay. And you know what? That is going to open a lot of doors. So many doors. That is going to be a major stepping stone for him. Yeah.

Just say podcast or Conan O'Brien. Okay. From the podcast world. Well, that's how I get brought up on stage now. They go, what do you want me to say about you? I say, say I have a podcast. Yeah. Yeah.

And that's what I'm most proud of. This was really fun. And I do. This was fun. Thank you for showing me the little guy. He is gorgeous. He's looking for representation. All right.

I will, I want 15%. Okay. Great. Amy, I'm looking forward to seeing you in person sometime soon. Yeah, me too. But in the meantime, be well on your island and I'm really happy for you. Thank you so much. All right.

Bye. Good to see you guys. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

I feel like it just like we just started doing this podcast, isn't it, to you guys? Oh, I feel like I've lived a lifetime. I know. I don't agree with that at all. I, this felt like eons. I've aged 28 years. Yeah. Oh, I guess being around the intense glare of the abilities.

Your skin. Oh, no. No, that's not where I was going. I meant the bright, bright, white, hot light of my creative genius has probably They aged you prematurely, but better to fly close to the sun and have your wax wings burn off gorely and fall to earth and know that you almost touch the face of God and live the ordinary life you were living

before you were ushered into the chamber of Conan O'Brien. And folks, play that back. That's one of the most insane things I've ever said. That was impressive. Yeah, really impressive. But yeah, it's the end of I guess, I think we did 36 episodes this season, 36 episodes last season.

I think we did eight Dana Carvey episodes. You add all those up. There's four good episodes in there. I kid, I joke, I josh, I jest. I'm very proud of the conversations we've had and the Tom Fulery and Chicanery. It's been a really good time. I did wanna point out some people think, what's that?

Would you say something? I don't know, sometimes your words are stupid. What are you talking about? I just said Tom Fulery and Chicanery. I know, but before you're like, Josh, and we shmosh. Yeah. No, with Josh, we jest. Yes.

We have our japes. Yeah, sometimes you talk Fulery or Chicanery, like just talk normally. I am speaking normally. I am a man from the early 19th century. I'll say who was catapulted mysteriously into the 21st century. And I'm not gonna sit here and listen to your Balderdash.

Well, this is how I speak. I love those words. I get angry that people don't use them more often. Faldarol. Faldarol, this Faldarol. Yeah, I know that I'm saying that this is the wind down, the end of the second season, but it really isn't because we have some interesting fun things in store

for the summer. That's all I'll say. I'll just put that out there, that maybe there might be a little something interesting happening over the summer in this space. What are you guys gonna do for your summer breaks? We're not gonna see each other. Ugh.

Well, the world is burning, so I think I'll just stay in my house. What are you gonna do for your low-key apocalypse? I'm sorry. Thanks for, that was great, Sona. What great energy. I'm sorry. Well, the world's burning,

so I'll just stay in my house. I'm, you know, when people get too physically fit, like they, and too muscle-bound, they have to go through the long process of taking their body back to a normal size and shape. That's what I'm gonna be spending my summer break. Oh, God. Come on.

I have to, yeah. No, it's just too much. We can see you. We can see you. Oh, that's right. This is, I forgot that we're on Zoom. We're in separate locations. I honestly forgot you guys could see me,

so I thought maybe I could get away with saying that I've put on a lot of muscle. You even have the Enhanced Filter on, don't you, that cosmetic filter? I have the Enhanced Filter on, and I'm standing in front of a cardboard cutout of Jean-Claude Van Damme from 1986, and still no one's buying it.

Yeah, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Excuse me, did you just say Jean-Claude Van Damme? Yeah, but what was that pronounced? I didn't wanna say it, but I'm glad you pointed it out, girls. Here's what I like to do. When someone has a name that's fairly well-known, and it's a foreign name,

I like to change it a little bit to make it look like I'm in the know. So I could have said Jean-Claude Van Damme, but I said Jean-Claude Van Damme. I put a jaude up front, and I did it on purpose, because it's my way of saying, oh, out there, people are subconsciously thinking, he must know, he's friends with Jean-Claude Van Damme,

because he knows to call him jaude, which is actually- What status that will buy you? I know, what are you talking about? Like, people are gonna be like, oh, he's friends, because he mispronounced his name. No, just that I have, that's the way, do you know what I mean? People who are really good friends

have little nicknames or little shortcuts for each other. I call them jaude, Jean-Claude Van Damme. Your nickname for Jean-Claude Van Damme is jaude. Jaude Claude, you're so stupid. That's what he likes to be called. If you're out there and you run into this Belgian wonderkin, try it, say, hey, jaude Claude, and you will get a very warm reception.

I promise you that. Speaking of that, has anyone come up to you on the street and gone, cataclysm as God made her? No, no one's done that yet. Now, to be fair, I'm wearing a mask when I'm outside, and I'm never outside. So nobody's done that, but if I have one, I hope people do hear that episode,

and where James Lipton, the dean of the actor studio, it's a story, which episode is that from? Do you remember? I don't remember. A few episodes ago. Okay, well, you're the producer. Anyway. I'm not an encyclopedia producer.

Well, a producer should know, encyclopedically every episode. Any hoots, James Lipton looked up at a nude painting of his wife and said, cataclysm as God made her. And I've put it out there that if you encounter me in the world, I look, as I say, like a very tall Swiss woman.

I encourage you to come up to me and go cataclysm. Someone has also, many people have pointed out that she's also the woman on the box of the Clue game. She's Miss Scarlet. Is that true? Cataclysm, yeah. How do people know these things? I don't know.

I guess if you routinely play the game Clue, you probably know all kinds of stuff. Yeah. What? Yeah, what? Wait a minute. I just said, yeah, I just took that blindly. I'm with Sona.

What? Carly, you just were like, yes, that's a deep profound thought. I can't believe I did that. Right, Conan? Yeah. It's a game that encourages one to suss out the inner truths, the hidden nooks and crannies.

I don't know. What are you talking about? I've been inside. There's just a lot going on in the world right now. Oh, is that why you're not making sense? Maybe I've been day drinking. Okay, that makes more. That's more on brand.

It's possible. You'll never know. You can't tell. Well, what a great season, huh? Hey, I think it was a great season. And Gourly, you're gonna do a few chip chops and flip flops to this, right? You're gonna make a few snips and cuts.

Oh yeah. And this is gonna come out just fine. I'm very proud of this season. I really did. I honestly love making this podcast and I love hanging out with you guys. And I'm looking forward to us all being in the same room someday in the near future

because I like to torture you while I can see you and just smell the anger coming from your pores. That's what I want. So I'm looking forward to that. You want like a pheromone response. Yes. By the way, the Katakai story is from the JJ Abrams episode. I just remembered that.

Wow. It has nothing to do with the message Adam just sent all of us that said Katakai is from the JJ Abrams episode. What'd you do that for? People listening don't know that there's a little chat bar and that I'm being fed information. Why couldn't you just think, what'd you do that for? People wanna believe in their heroes, Sona.

They wanna believe in me. They wanna believe Michael Jordan can fly. They wanna believe Conan really does remember which podcast episode the Katakai story is from. I'm sorry. You just told a bunch of people there is no Santa Claus. Oh, yeah. Everyone really believed you just remembered

that out of nowhere. Sure they did. There's nothing that guy can't do. And by that guy, I mean me. I said it because no one else will. Yeah. Okay, that wraps up our final episode of the second season as I said

and I have really enjoyed making the show. I hope, Sona, you've had a good time making the show, haven't you? Oh, I loved it. I know that there was a lot going on this season but this was a small little bright light amidst all the... Craziness.

Shit. Okay, craziness. Okay, all right. Well, I've always thought of this podcast as primarily being for children, but you screwed that up. Sorry. No, I will say that, just for me personally

and I hope for some people out there but yeah, that's an interesting point. Being able to get together with you guys and with all these talented people that we make the podcast with. Throughout COVID-19 and even through this last week of just terrible emotional upheaval and in America, it is nice to come together

and so that's meant a lot to me. I am looking forward to a third season which will start probably sometime late summer, early fall, I don't know exactly when and my hope is that when we all get back together again to launch the third season of Conor O'Brien Needs A Friend that our world is in a better place. That would be nice.

So that's my wish, Sona. I know I'll continue to see you throughout the summer because you have to work for me. Gourly, I won't be seeing you for a while. Yeah, I guess this is goodbye for a little bit. Yeah, wow, you sound like a sad Eeyore there. You know it's all, I guess it's... Was it sad or was it relief?

I, it sounded a lot more... Did you get relief? I got sadness. Oh, you did? Well, then it worked. I got the sadness of a man who wouldn't see, who wouldn't see his hero for like two months. That's what I got.

I'm telegraphing what I need to to the right people. Okay. All right. Spoken like a true prisoner of a man. All right, well... I'm blinking at the camera right now. Yeah. Like a hostage.

Always good when you're held hostage to blink during a podcast. At the microphone. Listen. Yeah, at the microphone. Do you wanna hear my eyelashes on it? Yeah, you really need it. You really need it with great, great digital ear buds.

I hear eyelashes flapping in SOS. Save me, this man is insane. Oh my God. This podcast is the act of a madman. All right, everyone be well. Stay safe. And we will be talking to you very soon. I will miss you guys.

Sorry. I will miss you too, girly. And I'll miss you interrupting me. Sona, I'll miss you. I'll miss all of you. And farewell, farewell for now. That ended too scary. Farewell, farewell for now.

He can't end it. Guy can't end it. Why can't he? Why is this so hard for you to end? Just say thank you. I love him. Goodbye. I'll see you next time.

I have a close relationship with America, and it's hard for me to say goodbye. Why don't you give us one final catacly? Catacly! As God made her. Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts,

and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

This has been a Team Coco Production, an association with Earwolf.