Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Amy Sedaris

Episode Date: December 21, 2020

Actress and comedian Amy Sedaris feels bullied into being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Amy sits down with Conan to talk about unfriendly wig shops, the fun of playing mean, and her comedy series At Home with Amy Sedaris. Plus, Conan and his team meet their first Golden Ticket winner.  Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, I'm Amy Sideris and I feel bullied into being Conan's friend. Wait a minute. Bullied! Bullied! Hello, Conan O'Brien here, welcome to another installment of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast slash really I've said it many times but a scam I think because it's just an excuse for me to babble like a chimp on meth and I really do enjoy it. It's been wonderful, I have to say especially in the last nine months during this period

of just shut down this is a extra nice release for me to come in here and open up my head and really let my worst demons come out and then occasionally insert advertising in there. I don't know how we're getting away with this. It's been a good outlet for you. It's been a great outlet, I think if we didn't have, I still get to do the show and everything but for some reason I think we didn't have the podcast, I don't know, I don't know what I'd have gone quite mad a long time ago. Sona, you're looking well as always.

Thank you, thank you. What was that? That was weird. That was really strange. That was weird, I don't know what that was, I'm sorry. Well, it's nice to see you, Sonya, you look lovely as always. Thank you, we see each other all the time now. I think we see each other every day and how's your wonderful husband, Tak?

I don't know if I love that you two are such good pals. I love talking to Tak, he and I share, Sona's husband and I share many things, we're both fascinated by history especially World War II history and of course he was born in the old Soviet Union and he knows a lot about Russian tanks from World War II and Russian history and he and I, I'll be talking to you about something work related and I'll hear Tak in the background and I'll start yelling until you put him on the phone and then he and I talk about T-34 tanks and how they saved Russia on the Eastern Front in World War II and Sona's pissed, you get pissed.

It's my worst nightmare. Well. Well, I want to go home to a place that's safe and complain about you and I think that the closer you get with Tak, the harder it is for me to complain about you because he's always like, ah, it's Conan, don't complain, he's awesome. He's the best, right? He's the best. The worst.

Matt Gorley, how are you? I'm excited to talk about some T-34 tanks at the Battle of Sona. You're into it too, right? Yeah, yeah, I really am. Incredible tank. Girls, keep Amanda away from Conan. That sounds creepy. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That was the first thing I was told by human resources. Yeah, but it's funny, Matt Gorley has a very attractive wife, extremely attractive woman, beautiful and smart and talented and yet it's so funny because when people would say to Gorley probably early on, just keep her away from Conan. He would assume it's because I'm a legend, a creep, not that I'll corner her and try to make her talk about the superior tank, really the best tank of World War II that the Soviets managed to make under incredibly difficult circumstances, the T-34.

She's a Panzer girl, though, you'll find, she's really into Panzers. Yes, Panzers are great, but guess what, they needed a lot of maintenance and the oil froze up. It was synthetic oil, Germans didn't have huge access to oil and their synthetic oil froze up in the incredible cold on the Russian steppes and that was a huge problem for them. If I had a dime for every time I tried to tell her that. Yeah, this is why men are always saying, just keep your wife away from Conan. Not because I'm a letch or a sexual threat in any way, but because I will corner them

and say, you know, the Germans had to light fires underneath the Tiger tank just to heat up the oil, but not the T-34 and those were built in improvised factories that had to be on the move. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Who knows that much about tanks?

Lots of people. But why? What do you mean? I mean, I guess, like, you know what, it's just because I'm not interested, doesn't mean that no one else is. Yes. I can go down. I've heard rabbit holes of knowledge and I always thought people used to say to me, oh,

you should go on Jeopardy and I would think, well, I have vast, strange, weird reservoirs of knowledge, but they wouldn't line up with a Jeopardy question, I don't think. Unless things lined up perfectly, people would tune in to me on Jeopardy and just be stunned. You know, because it'd be things I just didn't, super obvious things I didn't know. You know, and she sewed the American flag and I'd be like, what? I don't understand. You'd start crying on Jeopardy. I just don't understand.

Why would you react that way though? I like to be really petulant on a game show. I like to go on a game show and just become immediately petulant and undo. People say I've engendered a lot of goodwill out there, I think, over the years with, you know, in show business, but I'd like to undo it with one game show appearance and not even on, I mean, Jeopardy, obviously, an amazing game show, on a lower tier game show, I'd like to go on and just be petulant and rude and a bad loser and undo the whole thing. All right, Conan, we're going to move on, we're going to move on, why aren't we moving

on? Take it easy, Conan. Fucking asshole. Wait, what did you say, Conan? And then they squirt me off. I could see you doing that because I think you get very irritated when you get an answer wrong on something. Like I went to get your driver's test with you and I think you got two answers wrong

and you were pissed. Well, pissed because they really screwed me on one of them. There was something about you have to look out your window before you take a U-turn, which I don't. I just do what my mom always did, which is cross yourself and then just jam on the accelerator. This is literally, and this is not a joke, the house I grew up on, I grew up, I lived on top of the house. Oh my God.

Yeah, I lived on the roof. It was a very difficult childhood, but they just shoved me up through a skylight and said, come on back down when you're ready for college. I grew up at this house that has a very narrow driveway and the only way out is you'd have to back out slowly, but sometimes there are other cars parked on the street and it's hard to see and I swear to God, there's about a 10-year period where my mother would throw it in reverse, cross herself and jam on the accelerator. Jesus.

With all six of you in there. Yeah, she figured, look, there's six kids and so we're acting as blood bags, we're really going to absorb the blow and if there's six and you lose two, you still got four. I remember my mother, she used to tell us in the mornings, it would be really dark in the winter in Boston and super freezing cold and our cars weren't great growing up, they didn't always start and this is kids today are like, what's he talking about? No cars really didn't start in the cold. You know this gorelly, right?

Yeah. And so it would be freezing out and we'd all be in the car and my mother would be trying to get it to start and be going and we'd all be sitting there and we got to go to school and it's freezing out in the car because the heat hasn't come on yet and then she would say, okay, everyone say a prayer and there was some, she had a saint that you could invoke for every problem so there's a saint if you've lost something, is that Saint Anthony? But she had a saint that she told us to pray to if the car wouldn't start. What?

And really in the New Testament there was a saint that was worried about some day there will be internal combustion engines and the car might not start right away because this will be the early days of automatic ignition. So that's Saint Gerald, everyone say a prayer to Saint Gerald so the car will start and then we would, it would be some ridiculous saint, our father who art in heaven, Saint Alfred and then it would turn over, the car would start. That's what kept us invested in religion as I saw that, wow, that stuff works. I don't know what saint, do you know what saint it is?

Saint Christopher, patron saint of the motor car drivers. No it's not. Yes, I happen to know people that have a Saint Christopher medal and she would say it's Saint Christopher. Yes, but I was thinking, I thought he was just officially assigned to cars that wouldn't start. But I guess they just decided to make him a blanket, car. Was he like a late ad saint, like a contemporary saint that had something to do with a car?

No, no he wasn't some saint that was ordained in Detroit in 1977 just in time for the rolling out of the new Pontiac. We got a new Pontiac coming out, hey Christopher come off the line, yeah what do you want? We're going to make you a saint, you're the saint of getting cars started, all right what's in it for me? You have to die, you have to be dead, we're going to kill you. Wait, so if a saint already exists and then a new invention happens they'll be like okay, give cars to that one.

Yes, I think so. That seems weird. Well who gets Siri then? That's a good question, I don't know who gets Siri, that's a really good question because now we've, even in the last few years they've added whole swaths of technology. Is there a saint you pray to when your website goes down because your internet's lost? Or you can't get your Bluetooth connection, they should assign a saint to that. You know what we should do, we should contact the Vatican and I'm being serious and I think

they would take my call because I was raised Catholic, I think I've been a good Catholic. Yeah, we'll talk to the Pope. And I think they would get me right to the Pope and I think I would like to ask what saint are they going to assign to this new technology that's been unveiled? This is important, this is more important than the pandemic and blessing people who might be sick. Holy Pontiff, which saint covers the Samsung refrigerator with a television handle? Yes, these are fair questions.

I want to be, I wish to speak to the Vatican. Matt, would you arrange that please? I'm on it. Okay, that was the sound of someone lying. We should talk because our next guest is a scary talented. I love her so much. Yeah, she really is one of the most potently funny performers I've ever seen. She is just an absolute rarity.

I do think people throw the term genius around, I guess when I'm walking by, I don't know, I hear it a lot. Oh. Not me. You made it about you. Just ruined it. You made this about you. No, no, no.

People occasionally use the word genius in comedy and I think, I never buy it. I think it should be reserved for science and great mathematical achievements or musical achievements. But this next guest, I really do think qualifies. She's a hilarious actress and comedian, you know, from such shows as Strangers with Candy, Bojack Horseman, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt and her true TV series At Home with Amy Sideris. I am thrilled that she is with us today. Amy Sideris, welcome.

Your hair is so nice. It's luxurious. You should do a shampoo commercial. You know what? I really should. You should. I should. My hair right now looks like Victoria Principles in a 1978 shampoo commercial.

I should just be luxuriating in a bath with thick suds in my beautiful silken hair. Yes. You really should. It looks really pretty. I look pretty, don't I? You know, this is a true story. My grandmother lived with us growing up and once she said in front of everybody and I was really embarrassed, she put her hand through my hair and she went, you have a girl's hair.

A girl should have that hair. And I was just, my brother's ripped into me like, a girl should have that hair. You have a girl's hair, that's what you have, a girl's hair. She was right. You do. I know. But then it got worse because later she saw me coming out of the shower and she said, you have a girl's body.

She did. She said, you have a girl's body, you have a vagina. And I said, I do not. It's just a very small, malformed penis. And she said, no, it's a girl's body. You know, I'm going to tell you, you are one of the funniest human beings. You take my breath away, you're so funny. Wow.

Yeah. And not in a good way. I need to breathe. I need oxygen. So many times. But you, I remember the first time I saw you, and this was the first time I had seen you perform and it was before I saw you in Strangers with Candy, which I've been yammering about ever since it came out because I think it's one of the funniest things ever made for any

medium. But I saw you before that show. I saw you do a live show and I didn't know what to expect and you came out and you took a piece of Scotch tape and you taped your nose up. You have a name for this person. Well, then it was Piglet. Piglet. Piglet was your name.

You taped your nose up to like a pig kind of nose and then you proceeded to shuffle your feet sort of like Popeye. You were the foulest speaking, most original character I had ever seen. I mean, I know that every time you came on my show after that, I would fuck you to do Piglet if not on the air backstage. But I remembered being, you know, people talk about, I saw you and I was blown away. Well, I've said that many times and I've never meant it, but you, that just was seared into my brain.

You're one of the funniest fucking characters I think I've experienced in my life. Hey, fuck me in the ass. Turn around and get shit in my pussy, motherfucker, and shit in my ass for free. I don't give a fuck who the fuck you fuck. David, David wrote those and they had such a nice, they weren't hard to memorize because of the flow with the words, you fucked me in the ass, turned around and got shit in my pussy and shit don't come out for free, motherfucker. I got bills and we worked, but you would also, you were kind of shuffling your feet a little

bit and it was almost like someone, someone in the lollipop guild, you know, those guys, those guys shuffled their feet and you were sort of doing something with your arms while you were doing it and I, I don't know, my eyes, I couldn't stop laughing and I think my eyeballs melted and I was just so delighted. And then, of course, when your show came out, Strangers with Candy, and I know Stephen Colbert was in that show. You had a terrific. Paul Dinello, yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Paul Dinello was in it and you just had this terrific cast, but you played Jerry Blank and Jerry Blank, it's a podcast, but if you're listening and you're not familiar with Jerry Blank and Strangers with Candy, go look it up and there's on YouTube 30 different ways that you can watch sections of the show. You play this character that makes this perpetual face and it's kind of, yeah, and I swear to God for years after watching that show, I'd get up in the middle of the night to pee or something and then I'd walk over to the mirror and I'd do a Jerry Blank face.

I'm constantly, that's how I entertain myself is by doing Jerry Blank and I would do a little like, ugh, little money. That's gotta be tight, right? But you use every muscle in your face to do it. That's why my face, all my muscles are in my face and everyone thought, oh, you're wearing fake teeth? I'm like, no, I'm not. That was a character we put in all our plays with David, her original name is Mrs. Lexington.

So I had the face down and then we kept changing the background, you know, every play we did and then we just decided, you know, I'd put her in Strangers. So I had the face down for a long, like a professional golfer. Yeah. Yeah. And she had, she was this character that had lived, really lived a hard long life and had a lot of adventures and then goes back to school with kids and puts on a backpack and just tries to blend in and it's the most absurd, it's got some of my favorite, I've talked

to Stephen Colbert about this, I mentioned to him that one of my favorite pieces of writing is I think your character, Jerry Blank is in the hospital and she's called like her family and then at one point, Colbert and some other people come, they enter the room that you're and you're sitting, you're lying in bed and they say, we came as soon as we felt like it. And they said it like, you know, we, everyone says I came as soon as I could or I came as soon as I heard, we came as soon as we felt like it and they said it with urgency and real sincerity and I've, when I hear a line like that, it's like, to me, it's just like

a diamond that I just think, oh my God, that's, that's comedy writing at its best. Deborah Rush, Deborah Rush delivered that line. Oh, was it? Yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. This is what I want to talk to you about because I've known you for a long time and of course, I've read a lot about you through your brother, your brother's been on this podcast.

I don't remember his name. Yes, we love doing that. We have a lot of family, Otis. I think it was Otis Sedaris. Otis loved doing your podcast. But he was on the show, on the podcast and we've talked about you as well, but you were a very attractive person who, physically attractive person and attractive in every way, but you were physically very attractive and I feel like you've spent most of your life trying

not to be, you know? It's so funny because we live in a society where so many people and especially women are like contorting themselves to fit this canon of beauty and you are a classically very attractive woman and then you're constantly, and almost, I feel like you used to do this to bother your parents, right? Let's like to get out. Yes, we all did. I don't know what it's about more than, oh, probably hiding behind something, but it's

more fun. It's fun to play that. It's fun to put on a fatty suit or to look ugly. This is something your brother wrote about, again, his name will come to me, but he wrote about you got some money and you spent it, rather than putting it in the bank or doing something smart with it, you came into some money through, I think, the TV show and you spent it on a fat suit? A fatty suit, but I couldn't afford the whole thing, so I said, okay, just make a bottom

for me. That way I could stand behind a counter or a bar and I would look normal, but the minute I walk around here, it's completely different because I like opposites. Why did you do this? Well, my dad's very weight-conscious and it was kind of just, I wanted to pull a trick on him and, you know, I could do it to dad again and he'd fall all over for, I mean, he'd fall again for it, but so I went home, I wore it on an airplane, I went home, I cleaned out the pantry, he just could not believe that I gained that much weight and then he

started blaming David, saying it was his fault and I'm supposed to keep it, and you're supposed to keep an eye on her, oh, oh, Loni, I mean, I kept, it was like three days, it was a long time. So for three days, you wore this suit that was fat just from like the waist down? Yeah, with sweatpants, I wouldn't bought sweatpants that fit over them, they look great, I wore it on an airplane, I wore it on an airplane and everything. So at any point, did your dad finally then want to go to talk to you about your sudden weight gain?

No, he just yelled at me in front of David for three days, I mean, no, he just, he couldn't, he was so disappointed, he was so disappointed in me that I would put on that much weight and I milked it, I mean, do you have any whipped cream, can you tell me the story again? I mean, I did every, you know what I did, but. Do you have mac and cheese with extra cheese? I'll lose it, if I kept saying dad, I'll lose it. I'll lose it, if I kept saying, it'll come off, I'm still young, oh man, that was really good.

Yeah, and also the way in Strangers With A Candy, the makeup job that you did on yourself, you know, you were just over, like Jerry Blank was just so overly tanned and just. Well, that was me, I tanned a lot, I mean, I would lay out and stuff, but the only thing she really did was eyelashes, it took like 20 minutes, and then I put nicotine stain on my teeth, but that's it, you know, maybe a little color underneath my eyes, but that's it, because, you know, it was enough and then I didn't have tattoos or heroin marks, that's why I wore, you know, my character would have those things, but that's why I wore a turtleneck with long sleeves, so we didn't have to deal with that in hand and makeup.

Good, good, who needs that? Who needs that? You don't want to look at that. You know, I suspect, and there are certain things I can very much relate to, talking with you right now, which is this desire to constantly be playing with who you are, that's something I come from a big family, and I was constantly messing around with who I was, I would just try things and then commit to them and do it for a bit, and I remembered for a while just deciding, I'm going to have a limp, a bad limp, and so my family would

all go to church together, and our grandmother, the one that said I had a girl's hair, and body. Please, the second part was made up, sort of, anyway, I've since had, I've had six operations to say, but there's a part in Catholic Mass where you go up and you get communion, and for reasons I don't even know, when it was my turn to go up and get communion, I walked all the way down the aisle with a pronounced limp, got my communion, and then limped all the way back, and my grandmother leaned over to me and she said, are you lame boy? And I said, and I, because my grandmother was really old, my grandmother was born in

like, you know, 1890, and when she was, I mean, when she was living with us, I mean, she had lived through people having giant wax mustaches and things like that, and she, she said, are you lame boy? And I said, just a bit, but I'll be fine. And my brothers were like, what the fuck are you doing? What are you doing? And I just was like, I want to be that guy for a while, the guy who's got a very pronounced limp.

So you were doing this stuff, I mean, you and David, you did like fake shows when you were kids, right? We did fake cooking shows. We always did plays. We'd go to the convalescent home, and my grandmother was, and we'd put on shows entertaining old people. We used to say we were knocking them dead, and yeah, we always did that as a family. And you know, why not?

I got my first wig in third grade, I still have it, it was a fall. And I just always looked different, like you, I always liked to be somebody different. It was just more fun to play and pretend. I mean, I still love it. You're still, and you're obsessed with wigs, right? How many wigs would you say you have? Maybe 30 wigs now, it could be like 35, and then I have a few lace fronts. But during the pandemic, I was walking, David said, oh my God, I saw something in a window

that I really want. I go, what was it? And he goes, I'm not going to tell you. But I made him tell me, and it was a man's wig in this wig shop window. So I decided I'm going to go back tomorrow and get it for him. Stores had just opened up. So I went there, it was raining, I asked the lady, I kept pointing to the window, she's like, well, you want, so I went inside and I said, I want to buy that wig for a man in

the window. It's not a friendly wig shop, they always give me a hard time. But I said, I was like, who else, who else is going to walk in here and buy a wig without trying it on? It wasn't cheap. And then I thought, oh yeah, David would, but anyway, I got it for him, but she kept saying stuff like, are you on an employment? And I was like, no, I'm not, she goes, oh, well, you must feel comfortable.

Like she was saying stuff like that to me, and I was just like, lady, I'm spending $350 on a wig for my brother to fool a five-year-old girl at the beach. It's like, give it to me, get me out of here, but it's a nice men's wig, and I'm David Blonde, and then he has some aviator glasses, and so we left really hard playing with that wig recently. He just wants to fool this girl at Elizabeth Beach, she's five, and he wants to pretend that it's his twin brother, like David's twin brother, this guy in the blonde wig. I love that you, why are you doing this to a five-year-old?

Because you can. Oh, that's right, there's sense of what's right and wrong isn't developed fully yet. Okay, I forgot. Yeah, that's when you want to do it. You can pretend like you're somebody else, you know, I'm David's brother, what do you think of David? I don't know, I'm like, you can do all kinds of things. You guys should have a TV prank show, but the pranks are on two and three-year-olds,

and so they're just real, yeah, they're just real, it's just stuff, and the kids don't even understand the difference between what should have happened in the restaurant and what shouldn't have happened, they have no idea. I sense that this is true of you, that an audience isn't necessary. You seem like a kindred spirit that way, that you would be doing some of this stuff if nobody was looking, is that true? Guilty, yeah, absolutely. You do stuff in the mirror?

Yeah, I always did, I love to do stuff in the mirror, coming up with funny faces or I think, you know, what was the latest face I made? I didn't think about that, but I did some new faces, some new characters at home with Amy Sedaris, but I like them bringing them alive, or sometimes it's just a face and that's okay, you don't have anything beyond the face. You're a very visual comedian, and you said something in an interview once that I completely relate to, which is, you wanted the work that you did on TV to be funny even if someone couldn't hear the sound.

Yes, I looked over a deaf girl in Chicago, she was five, again me and the five-year-olds, and it changed everything for me. Like I was like, oh, you know, from now on I'm going to do, when I do a show at Second City or anywhere, TV, I want to be able, I want it to be funny on a lot of levels, but physically needs to be funny or visually really interesting, doesn't matter what's coming out of my mouth. And I think that's why it works so well with Colbert and Dinello, they're more of the writers, and then I could bring it alive physically, the mugging, and then add my own thing to

it. But that's why it worked well. It's like, you know, say this, but do that, I'm like, great. Right. I get a lot of joy if I can make, if I can make kids laugh, or if I can make someone in a foreign country who doesn't know me and doesn't speak English, if I can make them laugh, that's more satisfying to me than saying something like, oh, that was witty. That was a witty thing you said on Charlie Rose before he was canceled.

I get that all the time. You were so witty on pre-canceled Charlie Rose. Charlie Rose, no audience. Those shows are so hard, it's just like, are you kidding me? Like I don't know how you, why wouldn't you want an audience for this? Do you get so much energy off a live audience? But I always think about shows like that, he's the guy with the suspenders, Larry. Larry King.

I used to think like, wow, that must be really hard to go on someone's show for a whole hour. And, you know, it's just the two of you, it's so serious, maybe I don't want to have a serious conversation with that person. And this is a lot. Also, there were times where I'd go on a show like that and the person would have all these books in front of them because they had, after me, they were going to talk to Soltzenitzen or some, you know, great writer. And I just thought, wow, you had to do a lot of homework.

Well, Bill Maher's like that. He's always holding up a book center, read your book this week and I'm like, when did you read? How did you, you know, he seems like he reads an awful lot. That guy. I know, I know. He doesn't read them. You don't think so?

Oh, no. Okay, okay. I happen to know for a fact he can't read. You don't, listen to you. He can't read. He's, you know, I'm serious. What do you mean he can't comprehend? He can't see the words?

No, he can't. Yeah, he's never, he was one of those people that's passing, he's able to get by without knowing how to read and I've been with him at times where I've said like, oh, what's, what's your reading there? And he goes like, well, why don't you take a look for yourself? Are you a liar? He's not, he's not, he's not, he's not. Of course he can read.

Of course he can read. What are you talking about? Because I saw him bring home a box of powdered sugar with brownies on it and he told me that he was going to eat these brownies. And I said, I said, Bill, they're not brownies in that box and there's not a cherry pie in that Crisco can. And then he wanted to go to a restaurant where there were pictures on the menu, like a Denny's. I was like, this is what you do when he had a newspaper under his arm.

These are all signs. These are signs, you know, when someone can't read, they go way out of their way to compensate. So that's why he has a show where it's all about, I read your book. Now I read a lot and I'm a very, I write so now I read quite a bit. Yeah, constantly. I read reading books. You don't see me talk about it because I can read. Bill Maher and no offense to him, he does a great show, but he is incapable of reading.

He never had any proper schooling and he's overcompensating by talking so much of holding up books. Did you notice? Wow. Half the time he holds them up, they're upside down. That's true. That's true. And they're boxes.

They're empty. Maybe you should have Bill on you. Maybe you need to talk to Bill. He seems to be a sore spot. Well, Bill, I've, Bill has been invited on this podcast many times. And we've sent him the directions. He can't read them. But he can't read.

He can't read them. He always ends up at a gas station, just screaming at the sky, why did I never learn to read? I loved it. For a second, you were looking at me like, what? He can't read. No, I mean, I know he can. It's just like, again, I feel fully. But I'm full of shit.

Amy, you know that. Okay. You are full of shit. But with your long, flowy hair and your little scarf, I was like, I don't know, I believe you for a second. Wait a second, so wait, I'm going to ask you how many kids are in your other seven kids in your family? There were six of us.

There are six kids growing up. Yeah. And they were all alive still. Because I'm told they're all alive. They're okay. I don't speak to them. Ever since I got successful, I stopped speaking to them. Smart.

But I'm told they're, I, my manager says they're, they're alive and that they may be well. No, they're, they're, everybody's, everybody's doing great. There is, yeah. Where are you in the six? What number are you? Well, uh, I have a production company called Middle Child Productions, which might tell you I am the third. No, it doesn't.

So does that third or is the fourth the middle child really? Don't yell at me. Don't you ever yell at me like that. Who do you think you are? So third is the middle, so third's the middle child out of six. Sort of. I mean, I think it's two. Sort of.

My sister Kate and I are both the middle. She's the fourth, but I'm the third. So I think, I think it's fair for me to say I'm the middle child. Okay. Okay. Judgement. Are you all tall? I think a lot of us are tall-ish.

I'm, I'm one of the taller ones. I think my brother Justin and I are the tallest. He might actually be the tallest. And do you all live in California? No. All over. All over. I have a sister who lives up in the Bay Area, but everyone else lives probably within

like 20 minutes of where I grew up. And where did you grow up? You know, I didn't commit a crime officer. What is going on? Just answer the question. Okay. And what was the next? Where, where did you grow up?

I grew up in Brookline, Massachusetts, Berkeley. Okay. And your parents are alive? Both your parents? Yes. My parents are alive. You know, whenever I, my dad answers the phone, he yells, I'm still alive. That's so good.

No. Yeah. My parents are, are still with us as they say, grandmother no longer with us. Yeah. Because if she was with us, it would mean she was a zombie because she was literally, I think she was born in the theater when Lincoln was shot. She was just as old as paint. Do you think she was your first character?

Like because we, our grandmother lived with us too. Yaya, Greek woman. And I'd say she was my first real character. Like you would do Yaya. Yeah. We, we did imitate Yaya. I'm sure you imitate your grandmother. Well, what I would do is, uh, my grandmother, Maudie, yes.

One of my early impressions was of her. She used to very slightly, slightly rearrange things to no purpose on the table. So she'd come in, uh, muttering to herself and then she would move the salt shaker a quarter of an inch. So I would, after she had done that, I would come in and I would slightly move things on the table. And then the other thing she would do is she was constantly going, oh, Moses, oh, Moses. Moses.

Oh, Moses. And so it sounded like something was wrong, but she would say, oh no, you'd say, Maudie, you okay? Oh, of course. Yes, I'm fine. Oh, Moses. Oh, Moses. And so she kind of in a sick way, I think like a lot of older people, they love it when

they hear some bad news because it's kind of like, oh good, something bad happened. Yeah. Yeah. So once I stood up at the top of the stairs and she came by and it was like her, you know, 110th birthday and she was going through the front hall and I said, hey, Maudie. And she looked up and I went, happy birthday. And I jumped off the stairs and pretended to get hurt because I thought she would like that.

I think she did. I think she liked it. She was like, oh, Moses, oh, Moses. And I went, oh, and then I had a limp for a while, you know, fake one. 110. She was 110 and that was, she lived another 60 years after that. Wow. Yeah.

She did, she did really well. You know, I'm seeing you now, you're doing all these characters with your brother, you're seeing people, you're studying them. When you had regular jobs, when you were young, it had to come out like when you were working at a job. You know, were you ever, you were a waiter or waitress, would you ever do that? I did. I did that.

I was a cashier. I loved the microphone at Winn-Dixie and I got, they finally took it away from me because What would you do with the microphone? Anything, you know, insufficient funds on terminal five, you know, if somebody, you know, if somebody broke something in an aisle, you know, I would make fun of them. I just love performing on that microphone. And then they finally, they said I wasn't allowed to use it anymore and they took it off my register.

So you were the only one that didn't get to have at the Winn-Dixie that they took it away from you. Took it away. If I needed to make an announcement, I had to ask somebody else to do it for me. And you, you worked at a Red Lobster? I worked at a Red Lobster, but my manager's name at Winn-Dixie was Mr. Blueberry. That's not a real name. It's real.

No, it's not. Dennis. Dennis Blueberry. And then I did, I worked at Red Lobster. It was all you can eat in the South where I'd get a dollar, you know, you run your butt off or all you can eat crab legs and stuff and people would tip you a dollar. But I liked Waitressing. It helped me with timing.

It helped me with character stuff, you know, memorizing things. I liked, I'm curious what people eat. I'm curious what they buy. I just can't get enough of that. I love it. That seems like the kind of thing that almost you would do now, like in your spare time. Well, I did it when I was working on Strangers. I had a job at Mary's Fish Camp right after that.

But I think I got the feeling that the other waiters didn't really want me there only because I was taking money from them. Like they probably felt, oh, you don't need this money as bad as we do. So you're actually, you're getting shifts that we want. So like, and also I felt like it felt too much like a bit. Like then people might come by and they see me waitressing. I hate it. I just wanted a waitress to do it.

It's fun to do it when you don't have to do it. That'd be great if someone, if someone was giving you a hard time and then you could just say, I don't need this and whip off the wig and the makeup and say, I'm, I'm Amy Sideris and I'm actually, you just tip me a dollar. I brought you 65 bowls of crab legs and I refilled your iced tea 15 times. Yes. Shame people. Yeah.

Here's your rice, coleslaw or a salad? Okay. Let me ask you a question. Do you have like a... Herpes. That's the question I was going to ask after this. I was going to ask, do you have a lot of sex with people you don't know? And then I was going to ask, do you have herpes?

No, the question I was going to ask is you seem so fearless to me that I wonder if you have a, do you worry? What if someone's going to think, oh, she's making fun of me. Are you, are you one of those people that worries a lot afterwards? Oh, I hope they, they were okay with what I did. I was always worried about hurting someone's feelings, maybe too much. Are you sort of more of a sociopath, would you say? I'm more of a sociopath.

People will read it wrong. I mean, if they know you and then I'm always forget like, oh, they don't know me. They don't know that I'm joking. Like I was recently doing something at Fishes Eddie before the pandemic and I was selling, I was selling some lighters that I made. I cover lighters. And they, they gave me a girl to, you know, they said, you know, this girl, Mary, whatever her name will sell them for you, but I like, I like being mean as a joke.

I like mean people. It's fun to play mean. It's so much fun. And I was playing mean with her and she left. She was very upset. And I was like, it was just joking. I mean, you know, I was just, how could she not know I was joking? I would never be that mean to somebody, but you know, I feel bad.

I do. I felt bad that she was upset enough to leave. I think that especially if you do, if you are worried about how people feel about you, it makes playing mean that much more fun because you get to try it on, you know what I mean? You get to, Yeah. You have to, you have to be a dick about it. You have to commit to it.

And especially if you're an elevator with somebody, I like doing that. Like if I'm an elevator with Dave and I know I got 19 floors, I'm going to bring up something, you know, like, why don't you want to see, why don't you want to see your adopted, you know, you're the daughter that you adopted. And then they'll go on and they'll say something about medical, I'm like, David, you take it somewhere darker. Like she's like a hospital, she was hooked up to her and I'm like, fuck, I can't believe you took it there.

And then it's like, you know, you got to keep it going. But I love elevators. That's so much fun. So you will say, you get on the elevator door, it shuts and then you're in there with other people and you will say, David, I just don't understand why you're not seeing your adopted daughter. It's really, you really should see her. You should spend time with her.

She loves you. And he's like, I can't. He's in the hospital and with the tubes and the doctor and I'm like, oh, shit, you know, then it's heartbreaking and horrible, but then you'll go with it, right? Oh, absolutely. I would never. Yeah, you have to, you have to, you'll say she's calling for you. She's been calling for you for days or I'll say, well, there are a lot of visitors now

and the tubes look scary, but they're not scary. You know, I don't know. I'm just trying to try. And it's like, oh, I feel wiped out by the time we get to the lobby. One thing you and I might have in common is if you added up the hours and hours and hours and hours of our lives, thousands of hours that we spent saying foolishness and we're not moving the puzzle piece of civilization forward in any way where I can't, I can't say that we're accomplishing anything.

I know. Yeah. You know, you're right. But we're laughing and we're making other people laugh and he can't be that as queer as that sounds. Yeah. Right? No, no, it's, it's.

I mean, that's something. No, it's good. And we're in the moment because we're playing and I love, it's always fun to be in the moment. Always. When you're right there, it's like, you feel so alive and I just, I prefer that. Your show at home with Amy Sideris is hilarious. It's three seasons now. Three seasons.

One of the things that makes this show really hum and really work is that you're obviously very funny, but you aren't condescending about homemaking or, or a homemaking show. That's clearly something you're very passionate about. And that comes out. I think that's, that fuels and informs a lot of the comedy on the show and, and it's, what really makes you so good. Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

I do care about that kind of stuff. But then you also want to go for the laugh and then you're like, oh, forget about it. You know what I mean? But visual is another good example. Really, I, I love looking at the show, I like the I dream a genie feeling the show has, you know, it's all on set. It's a nice little group of people. We have so much fun in real life.

You like cleaning your home. You enjoy it. I love cooking. I like cleaning. Yes, I do. I'm like, I want to bring back Hazel. I'd be a good Hazel. I do.

I like running the households. Are you someone who gets upset if you're over at someone else's house and you can tell it's not tidy or that things are not as they should be. I don't get upset. I get like a more obsessive like, oh, that's how I can't believe that, that you don't make your bed when you wake up. And not in a judgmental way. I really love to go to other people's houses and see what they do and they don't do.

I'm pretty, it says a lot about them. Do you go through their cabinets? Yes. Do you go through their medicine cabinets? Yes. Do you ever take things you shouldn't take? Yes. And I'll go home and I'll take a picture of it and I'll say, this is what I took from

your house. I'll bring it back. I'll bring it back next time I can move. Yeah. I do it in some stores too that don't have cameras. You like to take something every now and then? Do you ever steal stuff? Do you ever steal stuff?

Yes. Yeah. I steal it from them and then I'll send them a picture and say, this is what I took from your store today. I'm just letting you know because your cashiers should caught this. You know, I don't think it's stealing if you send them a picture of it afterwards. I honestly don't. Well, I don't, I don't steal, that's your right, I don't steal in real life, but I

steal for, I steal and let them know that I took something. Okay. Yeah. So you don't call it stealing? No. What would you call it? Well, you're, you're testing the perimeter of their security. Yeah.

That's what you're doing. Yeah. I like that. That's what you're doing. That's what I'm doing. Yeah. You're texting the Rolex store to make sure that, Sona has admitted on this podcast that she used to steal regularly.

I did. I did. You used to, like a week ago or you mean when you were a child? I would say the last thing I stole was maybe eight years ago. Okay. What'd you steal? I stole a headband from Urban Outfitters. And I wore it out of the store and I passed several workers and it was like, it was just

a rush to know that I was stealing it and they were watching me steal it. Okay. Winona. It was the thrill. It was like gosh darn thriller that all. Oh my God, I just wore that. I have to say, I kind of know what you're talking about that I've had that with grave robbing.

It's just the feeling, it's the feeling of like the caretaker isn't here, I've got to shovel, I start going, I know I think I'm going to get caught but then I get six feet down, I hit the wood, no one's come out yet. Some people came by and they think I work here and then you open it up and you don't know what you're going to get, you know what I mean? And then you get a tie clip and it's like, this is a decent tie clip. Grave robbing graves. Oh, whatever.

It's a thrill. I relate, Sonna. It's a thrill. It's the same thing. It's the same thing whether it's a headband at Urban Outfitters or me digging up a grave in Newton, Massachusetts, you know, it's the same feeling. The thrill of doing something so gosh darn unusual. I read that in our bodies ourselves, when we had to prepare and do monologues to get

a job, I would memorize something from our bodies ourselves and there was one in there called rimming and this lady was like, the thrill of putting something small in your anus during love making, the thrill of doing something so gosh darn unusual. She said that? Yeah, that was her little monologue and I would memorize these things and I never got the part but they all laughed. Big surprise. Why not though?

Wouldn't you rather hear that than something from, you know, the effect of gamma rays on men and mumericals for the 1900s time? I know. So you'd go in there and you'd say, yeah, would you ever add anything to it like it was a stapler or get a little more specific? No, no, I would stick to it and memorize it word for word. That's what I should be doing with all this downtime we have. Go back to that book.

It's hilarious. Our bodies ourselves. Well, I just like it, you know, it's just a fun book to pick up and read, you know, read things about people's relationships, dryness, it's just fun. I guess that's a real issue for some people, you know, I don't know, I'm very uncomfortable right now. Oh, okay. Terrible with anything vaguely sexual.

Okay. I don't even know, I didn't even know if dryness is sexual. I don't know. Oh, it's sexual. Is it really? Absolutely. Absolutely. That's something I haven't counted.

Sorry, but ladies are pretty happy to see this guy come down the pike, I'll tell you that much right now. Listen, I don't know what the fuck just happened, this is awful, this is awful, and you know what, it's your fault, Amy Sederis, it's your fault because you don't have barriers and then I lower my barriers. Okay. So this is all you that did this. Well I just want to thank you so much for gabbing with me, I swear to God, you are breathtakingly

funny and so talented and you've been one of the people I've really wanted to talk to on the podcast and I also want to talk to you in person when we're allowed to do that. I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to see you and really I'm honored to be your friend and I want to thank you for putting me on your list. It was fun talking to you. I look forward to it. You seem very dismissive at the end, you're like, well we're wrapping up this here.

No, I didn't be like, oh I don't want to do this today, I never had that feeling. Oh that's nice. Yeah, that's a really nice thing. It's true, that's true, so I think some people do have that feeling about me. Yeah, I do. I think Keith Urban had that feeling about talking to me, I think Keith Urban was like, what? Him, the American, you know, and then he was like, alright, I guess, I'm in Australia.

And Nicole Kidman was probably like, wait, you're talking to him, but why? Are you getting paid? No, I'm not getting paid, I'm just going to talk, you know, I know if that's not enough, you know. Worst accent ever. I think my accents are really good, throw one at me. Not yours, that country's accent. Oh, thank you, I'm glad we were clear about that, Australia sucks, though he was born

in New Zealand. Anyway, I'd just like to show, throw in how smart I am about places. You are. Amy, thank you so much. Thank you, thanks for saying such kind things, and I'll see you when all this is over. Yes, and it's going to be over soon, because I'm working on a cure. You should go in the kitchen and whip up a COVID cure, I bet you could do it. David always tells people in the stores that he's a doctor, and he works on children's

eyes. He replaces their eyes with buttons, and I'm like, what are you fucking talking about, especially if he knows it in another language? I go, what did you just tell that lady? He goes, then I was a doctor, and I operated on children's eyes, and I replaced him with buttons. Well, now I got to get David Sideris on the show to talk to him about that. So, I'm doing a lot of Sideris family counseling here.

All right, thank you so much, Amy, I love you, and I hope I see you real soon. Okay, bye, Colin. All right, it's time to meet the first of our Golden Ticket winners. This is very exciting, because a while back we did a contest on television, on social media, or on the podcast. You could win a chance to be a guest on this show, and it turns out today we have our first guest. Are you guys excited?

This is exciting. Is this someone who won by hearing the special announcement on the podcast or on the television show? Oh. You announced me. You still don't know how it worked. No, I don't know how. I'm going to be honest with you, I don't know how it worked.

It was, you just, what did you hear? What did this person hear when they were watching television? Well, I'm the podcast guest, so I don't know what they saw on television, but... I don't know how it worked either. So you don't know how it works, and you're giving me shit? I don't know how this happened, but this person is here, and this person's name is? Bailey. Hey, she's from Santa Monica, and we'll bring her in right now.

Great. Hi, Bailey. Hi. Hey, Bailey, how are you? I'm good. How are you? We're really, we're really doing well. I guess I'm in the awkward position of saying congratulations.

You get to talk to us. Man, did we set the bar low. This is not Oprah. There's no Lexis with a bow on it waiting for you downstairs. It's just us, but we're thrilled to get to talk to you. Thanks for participating. Yeah, of course. I mean, I was wondering how much of the golden ticket aspect was going to be part of this,

because I'm still in my house. I haven't gone anywhere. You didn't send me any chocolate. I don't seem to be getting anything except this conversation from this. You know what? So far, you are a perfect Conan fan, and you are sardonic, not impressed, totally, yes, this is on point for all my fans. Trust me, I haven't talked to my people, but I'm sure there's so much more involved

than just getting to chat with us on the bar. This is it. Are you sure? This is all it is. Oh, sorry. No, no, no, no, no. We'll send her some chocolates. What's some chocolates?

We don't even, you don't make chocolate, we're just going to go buy some from CVS. Yes, and then put my load on one. Coco's in his name. Yes. Exactly. Exactly. It'll say 80% cocoa on the back. There you go.

Perfect. I'll go to Costco. Okay. And then, Sonny, try and find a really old used car. What? What? Just a really, a car that's not safe, but... What's the budget?

I'll talk to you afterwards, less than $150. Less than $150. Yeah. Okay. Bailey, listen. Your life's going to change in so many ways. First of all, the conversation should really be about you. You're in Santa Monica.

Yes, I am. Tell us a little bit about yourself. You listen to the podcast? Yes, I do listen to the podcast, but it's actually my, the last thing I know you from, obviously. That's nice. Yeah. You saw me first as a model in the 1980s, a Calvin Klein model.

Definitely a model. A part of my life forever that way, hair model, clothing model, you know. Yeah. Bailey, what are you doing? Listen, I got to start high and then we'll just go down. I don't think you know how this works here. Matt, you know how this works. You're still at the Sam Ash.

I know what's going on here. So you live in Santa Monica. Yes, I do. I walk around Santa Monica. Do you ever see what looks like a tall English woman walking around, maybe sometimes with a golden retriever? No, I don't, but I will definitely keep an eye out for that woman. She seems lovely.

Yeah, yeah, I am. During the pandemic, I've been going on these epic walks. I took a nine mile walk last week and I went all through Santa Monica and I can be identified because I'm wearing a crocodile dundee hat with the little teeth that I picked up in Australia. That's my claim to fame. That's all I got. So if you see me, come over and say hi and stay within six feet.

I definitely will. I mean, that hat is actually where I know you first from, if I'm going to be totally honest. Bailey, do you know it to yell if you see Conan out in the wild? Do you know what you're supposed to yell at him? I actually don't. I mean, I assume hey you is kind of a good start. Hey you is fine.

Yeah. It's like a cataclysm as God made her. Yeah, but please, you know. Let me just write this down. God. God. Well, I can tell you're just beside yourself with delight and glee. It's hard for you to hold it together.

You haven't made sense since you got on. You just keep crying. Yeah, I'm hysterical right now. I like Bailey. I know. Do you want to join the show? I know. Bailey, you are the best.

You should just, you are the perfect antidote in our world. This is exactly who a contest winner should be. Someone who was like, hmm, well, I was going to maybe go to Whole Foods and pick up a rutabaga or I could talk to Conan. I guess the rutabaga can wait a bit. Yeah, and also this is it, so I'm just talking to you. Yeah. No, no, you're going to get some chocolates.

We're getting some chocolates for Bailey. This is on the record. I expect this now. Yeah. I just think I'm good for some chocolates. I didn't say they'd be very good. You guys just got robbed. I have no idea what you're good for.

I know. I know we did get robbed. Our studio got robbed. We were at the Largo Theater. Have you ever been to the Largo Theater? I've been several times for music and comedy. Yes, I love it there. It's a fantastic theater, expertly run by Flanny, as we all call him, Mr. Flanigan.

Yeah, apparently there's no security there. And I said, how did the burglar get in, because the burglar took some of our equipment, the robber. And I said, how did they get in? And he was like, well, it was one of seven ways. And basically he just started pushing on pieces of the wall that kind of fell apart. So very easy to break in there, just putting that out there. They just walked in.

I think they just walked in and took some equipment and left. Had time to look through everything. Yeah. They checked out all of your stuff. They were like, this is it. This is it. See, Oprah gives away Alexis. And if you break into her studio, there's so much you can take.

Yeah. And you get to chat with him, and there's really not much there in the studio. So tell me, what do you do, Bailey? Tell me about yourself. So I'm a writer, editor, producer, one of those amazing types of people where you say you're a storyteller. Like one of those things where you hear it at a party and you're like, I hate that person. That's me.

Oh, don't be. Now I know why you're my fan, because you're self-hating. Self-deprecating is one of my things. Oh, no, you sound very talented. You really do. I know you're putting yourself down, but how do you use these skills? Do you work in the entertainment business and advertising? What do you do?

Yeah. So basically, I started as a music journalist. That's kind of was something that I was really interested in. And it's kind of turned into an arts and culture writer. I've been a magazine editor. I do documentaries now. Yeah. Wow.

Where are you from originally? Did you grow up in Santa Monica? Are you? No. Oh, I grew up in Santa Monica. And I just very seriously, I grew up in Van Nuys, Valley Pred forever. Valley girls. Valley girls over here.

So if it's not 110 degrees, it's not had out. Yeah, right. Exactly. If your house isn't surrounded by four, count them four strip malls or mini-marts. Yes. It's not a home. It's not a home. You need to be able to walk to a 7-Eleven in either direction.

Yeah, I definitely have two on 7-Eleven day. That's where I kind of like, I make my route. I'm still very upset at them for the one year they gave the little cups. I don't know if any of you are into free things as much as I am, as you can tell by me entering and winning contests like this. Yeah.

For nothing, you get nothing for free. But you know, it's 7-Eleven, usually they give you like the normal cup and this time they, you know. Well, Bailey, I am very impressed with you. I really am. Thank you. I really am.

You seem like a very funny and witty and cool person. You'd be the person, and Sonia, back me up on this, I would be talking to Bailey a lot at the party. Yes. I would be the person of other people and we would both be trying to out self-deprecate the other. Yes. And then afterwards it'd be like,

I really like Bailey. Bailey seemed cool. Yeah, yeah. I would. I appreciate that. I mean, I think it's probably the Irish Catholic, you know, Boston heritage in us both. Oh, do you have heritage back in Boston, do you think?

Well, my dad's from Andover. Oh, God, that doesn't. Oh, no. Yes, it runs, it just, it's in the blood, yeah. Yeah, we'll just one up each other by going down on like how bad we are as people. You might be related. Probably are.

Yeah. Probably are, you're probably my third cousin, which makes your win illegal, by the way. Oh, there you go. I still expect chocolates, sympathy chocolates for stealing. Guess what? I'm sending out of my own money,

out of your salary, Sonia. Oh, wait, why? I'm sending Bailey some chocolates, because I wanna, I'm serious about this, I'm gonna do this. So we'll find out, Bailey, your address, and we will get you these chocolates. I'm just, I'm proud, I'm proud to have you as a,

what appears to be a casual fan, but I'll take it. You know, I'm gonna be honest, I was wondering, like after I got off the pre-interview with Matt and Erin, I was very much like either they liked me or they really didn't, because I was insulting Matt, I didn't really seem that intrigued. I don't know, like I love you,

you guys are great, Sonia, especially, love you forever. We're breaking up, we're losing the signal. Yeah, we're losing the signal there, Bailey, we're out of time. I really do love Bailey. No, Bailey, you are great, and no, you're exactly who I love as a fan,

in that you barely tolerate me. That is my conception of a perfect fan, so thank you for being a cool, smart person out in the world, and for liking the nonsense that we make, and I am sending you chocolates, and you better like them, because they were not part of the contest, and I resent you for it.

Excellent. Thank you, Bailey. Of course, thank you guys. All right, Bailey, take care, have a good day. Thanks, Bailey. Bye-bye. How do I leave this thing? How do I get out of this place?

How do I get out of this place? All right, bye. That was a huge mistake, that was a huge mistake. Oh God, he was as bad as I thought he'd be. Oh my God. That's it, we just talked. Well, I love Bailey, no chance of me getting a swelled head around Bailey.

Nope. She fit right in. I love her, she fit right in. She could work for me right now. Yeah. Just... Very cool, unimpressed, and not afraid to flip me some shit.

Love, Bailey. And I do want to thank State Farm for making this golden ticket meet a fan event possible. They've done a great job for us. When you want a real deal like a good neighbor, State Farm is there. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian

and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair

and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Earwolf.