Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Andy Richter

Episode Date: July 8, 2019

Comedian Andy Richter feels just fine about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Andy sits down with Conan to talk about their 26 years of friendship, how funny and gross the human body can be, using the early internet to pull pranks at work, the advances of plastic surgery over the years, and his new podcast 'The Three Questions with Andy Richter' - the first episode is available now on Stitcher, Apple, Spotify, or wherever you listen to fine podcasts. Plus, Conan responds to voicemail about Sona Movsesian.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by Mailchimp The Jump Podcast, JC Penney Men's Clothing (www.jcp.com), Ben & Jerry's (www.benjerry.com), StateFarm, Zinus (www.zinus.com/CONAN code: CONAN), and Quip (http://getquip.com/CONAN).

Hi, my name is Andy Richter and I feel just fine about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hey there! Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. It's my little podcast that I really enjoy doing. It's shockingly fun to do this show. I'm really enjoying it and I'm particularly enjoying it because I'm doing it with some fun people. My trusty assistant Sonam of Sessian. Hi Conan. How are you? I'm doing very well. You're acting sort of professional right now. What's going on? I am a professional business person. What? What are you talking about? I don't know. Why are you trying to be so prim? I have no idea. I don't know. I thought maybe if I just, you know, acted more mature you wouldn't shit on me. I don't think I do that Sonam. Is that possible?

Oh come on. I don't. First of all, because we heard his voice creep in, I think he should be introduced as well. He's a podcaster extraordinaire. Mr. Matt Gorley, how are you? Hello Mr. O'Brien. What is your official title again? I believe I'm a producer. But are you a producer? You're the producer. Yeah. Okay. I mean, and you've a responsible, you have like nine other podcasts, don't you? Seriously. Not at any given time, but over a life, sure. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. But you've made hundreds of podcasts. Different kinds. You're like kung fu. You just wander the west, a stranger making podcasts. Sadly. Yeah. No, that's not sad. That's very neat. It's a little sad. Do you think Matt, Sonam just said something that disturbed me because I do love Sonam. We've

been together a long time. And she said that what was in your words, I said, you shit on me. I do not. I do not. I really don't think I do. Well, at risk of getting rid of this goodwill you seem to have for me right now. You do. You should all over her. What are you talking about? Thank you. And you shit on Matt too. You shit on both of us. That is not true. It's a shit fest. Yeah. Stop it, please. I'm asking. We're shit catchers. If anyone out there thinks this is true, they would be phoning in right now and they're not. Is that a phone in here? None of the lights are light. You pulled the phones from it. I see no lights going off. I don't think that's how podcasts work. I heard you yelling in the studio, I want no goddamn phones within a hundred yards.

I'm looking at the switchboard right now. No calls coming in of confirmation. The switchboard? I think I've been quite supportive of both of you. I think sometimes, like any person who's operating at my level, with so many different gears turning, so many plates spinning, so many different synapses firing at once, making jokes, but at the same time solving complex quadratic equations, I sometimes probably become a little impatient. And if I do, then I apologize. Oh. Yeah. No, not to you two. To anyone who has to listen to it. So now I care for you and if you feel that I've been unjust to you. I care for you. I've been programmed to care for you. Oh no, I know it's out of love. It's like when my brother

used to beat me up, my mom would be like, oh, it's because he loves you. Your brother beat you up? Yeah, he was my brother. He beat me up. This is Danny. Danny, Danny, my brother used to, you know, he didn't beat you up. He used to just probably wrestle. He didn't like bruise and batter me, but he beat me up like a sibling beats up their sibling. I never struck any of my siblings. I find that very hard to believe. Yeah, it wasn't true at all. It was a constant flying fists in my house, constant. There were four boys in your family. Four boys and two girls didn't know how to fight. And my grandmother knew how to fight. She lived with us. What? Yeah, she used to break the leg off a chair and just start wailing on us. Oh no. True story. Yeah,

and then my dad would come in the room and he'd say, I want a piece of this and he'd go at it. And then my mom would come down the chimney. Trust is Santa for reasons you still don't understand because it was August and she'd start swinging a chain around. She used to have a big chain that she would swing. Everyone had weapons. We were called the fight nobrians. Yeah, people would walk by our house and just hear smash, crash, bash. And that was just the sounds you were making from your mouth. Oh yeah, we were all just lying quietly on the rug going smash, bash, crash. No one was actually, I bruise very easily. Yeah, tough times for me growing up. Big family, a lot of love, but a lot of fighting. Yeah. Goorley, how many siblings?

Originally one and then two more came along in a second marriage. Okay. Yeah, not mine. No, I didn't think you could get more siblings if you, what? Well, it's hard to explain. It's hard to explain. We do little things a little differently at the goorley house. So weird. Goorley got married a second time and then he got some other brothers. What? How does that work? Where are you from? What's your story, man? You wouldn't be able to comprehend it. No, probably not. It's nice. I'm excited because we got a special guest today. This is a gentleman who I've known for 26 years. Wow. He's been by my side through many of the highs and lows of a show business career that defies explanation. He's got his own podcast now

that's debuting. You're a trendsetter. Yes, called The Three Questions with Andy Richter. And the first episode is out today. Andy's one of the funniest people I've ever met, consistently funny, fascinating guy, terrific mind. This would be a podcast I would listen to if I wasn't already listening to it because he's my friend. Find it on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, wherever you get your podcasts, wherever store you buy them, whatever fresh market is getting you your podcasts. Get The Three Questions with Andy Richter as again, first episode out today. And then I think it's going to air on Tuesdays. That's when it's going to drop. So Andy. Thanks for being here.

Man, if people could see the face you made just now, like a petulant child. It's fine. No, I mean, I already am your friend. I mean, I feel that's like, it's like asking me how I feel about being Caucasian. Right. Fine. Well, how do you feel about being Caucasian? Actually, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. What am I going to do? I mean, we are a virus on the face of the earth. That's white people, but you know, we're fine. Yeah, we're building up the earth's immune system. Sure we are. I think that's an interesting place to start because every now and then, over the years, and it's been 26 years now that I've known you, you and I will be some place together or be walking down the street together or be, and I see the look on people's faces. It's

like, if Herman Munster and Grandpa went some place together in full costume, people have this very funny reaction. And they, I think in their minds, I know in the early days, like in the 90s, I do think people thought that, you know, we were so new on the scene and so seemingly out of place. I think our fans back in 93, 94, thought that you and I finished the show and went home to an apartment and slept in a bunk bed for two. That's right. You know, I took the top or the bottom, whatever, and we snored in sequence, like the three Stooges. That was sort of the feeling of the time. Yeah, and well, and I mean, and I think for years and years, what I would always hear was, hey, where's Conan? Right. I'd be like, I don't know, is his house probably? Yeah, home with his

family? We are, we are adults. Yeah, yeah. And I think people, and you've said that people have said that to you. Yes, yes. People say, where's Andy? Yeah. What? Yeah. Although walking around with you is like, you know, you come in terms of like being noticeable, you're like a Mardi Gras parade float. Because there have been times when we've been walking around together, and people will come up and want to take a picture. And they're like, I love the show. I watch it all the time. And they're just like, hand me their phone to take the picture. And I just don't think it's, and I don't think that they're being rude or that they're lying about watching the show. I just don't think that they register like me as some, you know, all they can see is you. I have, yeah, I don't know if it's

the hair or there's something. It's all of it. It's all of it. Yeah. The fact that I'm a very flamboyant dresser. Right, right, right. I go out in public. Right. I dress. And that big arrow that you carry that says Conan O'Brien here. Points to me. Points at your head. Points to my head. Yeah, there's something about that. It's funny because, I mean, I'll take us back to the beginning, because it does fascinate me that it's been this long. I remember meeting you when I was looking for, I got the late night gig, Robert Smile and I were looking for writers and I met you and I look at pictures you're a couple of years younger than I am. But at the time I was, had just turned 30 and you were like 25. When was that? It was 93. So yeah, 27. Oh, okay. Anyway, when I look at those

photos now of you at that age, we both look like children. Yes. But you look much, much younger than me. Yeah. And at the time, I met you, you were, had never, I mean, you'd just done, I think Cabin Boy was a movie that you had been in with Chris Elliott. But that was the only kind of legitimate thing that you had done. I did one other cable movie. I did one scene in a cable movie, which is the first thing that I'd done. And then I'd done stage stuff. But yeah, no, but not like, yeah, not movie or TV or anything like that. Right. And so what's interesting is, I meet you and I immediately right away, we just clicked and I thought we've got to get this guy on the show. And I told that to Robert Smigel. Yeah. We've got to get, we just need to hire Andy

Richter. Love Andy Richter. We've got to hire him right away. He's perfect for the show. You know, I was not saying specifically, no one at the time thought you'd be doing anything every night on camera, but it was just like, we've got to get this guy in there. We don't have any writers yet, maybe one or two, but we've got to get Andy Richter on board. And Robert Smigel said, well, we really, we need to see his packet first of material. And I remember thinking, I don't care he's just really, really so funny. And all of your personality came out. We just went to a deli and hung out together for really not that long. And I thought, just at a very gut level, we've got to get this guy on board. No, we understood. We're from the same tribe, you know, like just

in terms of like silliness and stupidity and stuff. And I, and there are people that I've met throughout my life that have been like, and you were definitely one of those where it's like, oh yeah, I know this guy. Yes. And I, and I can be as absolutely stupid as I want to be. And he will love it. Yes. Yeah. You used to do a thing routinely whenever the lights would dim in the studio or go out for a second. Just even when we were working on something and the lights would just go down for a second and then come back on again, you'd go, my pearls. That always killed me because it's such a 1930s, it's a 1930s trope that when the lights go out and then go back on again, a woman's pearls are gone. And you and another writer on the show, Tommy Blaccia,

who's a friend of yours who you brought on board, brilliant writer, one of the great writers on our show's history. You two had the two filthiest, I'm trying to put it the right way. You had an understanding and a facility with scatology. Sure. That just blew my mind. That's right. And since then, I've been in situations later on where people would say, well, okay, this guy, watch out. He gets pretty blue with him. You can go over the edge and be like, no, no, no, no, I've spent years with Andy Richter. There's not a thing you can say that I haven't heard. It's always kills me when they'll be like, oh, that new Tim Burton movie is dark. And I'll be like, that is not fucking dark. Like threatening to shit in someone's mouth, that's dark.

You know, but it's also too, I don't. Also, if you shit in someone's mouth, you need their cooperation. Or a sedative. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Got it. A sedative and some sort of pry, some sort of method to keep it pried open. And also, quite frankly, muscle control. That's true. It's not unless the person's got a huge mouth. Oh my god. No, it's true. What is happening? But the Andy's bringing up. I'm demonstrating what he's talking about. Andy's bringing up a really good point that if you're going to defecate into someone's mouth, there's thought and imagination that has to go into it. And Andy's put in the work and the planning. I mean, it's like, you give me a job, I'm going to figure out how to do it.

No, I mean, quite seriously, there's nothing funnier than human body. There's nothing funnier that we then, then we all walk around thinking that we have some form of dignity when we're basically oozing stuff all the time. Right. That like the best times that you spend are when you're like either stuffing something in your face or like, you know, like exchanging fluids with somebody. That's like what life is. It's all greasy and messy and fantastic. And the fact that we walk around like, oh, you know, like that's above me. Right. It makes you think of Pierce Brosnan in a different way. Yeah, yeah. You know, right. Suddenly whenever you see a Pierce Brosnan wearing like a really well coiffed, you know, hair cut and with a really nice suit and you're like,

ah, you're just ooze. You're just a bunch of ooze. You know, you know, my friend. You were oozing last night. You'll lose tomorrow. My friend Tim Long, I was a writer on The Simpsons. Right. He said this one thing once and I don't know why it's so fascinating to me, but I or why I love it so much, but it sort of demonstrates this. He said that like, even like, like at least once a week, even the Queen of England gets her own shit on her hand. And it's like, yeah, that's probably true. I mean, we all get our own shit on her hands and then, you know, it's just like a fact of life. And the fucking Queen of England is, oh, no. Corn, when did I have corn? When did I have corn? When did I have corn?

Can we say that story? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. This was, this was, this was a famous story. Famous story. This is, yeah. Well, one of the, one of the, okay, you go. It's a camp legend. It's a camp legend. It's a camp legend at our show. Yes. And now let the lawsuits fly. But Andy, why don't you go, it's Brian McCann, was it Brian McCann? Well, Brian McCann, he had, Brian McCann had a friend who was, Brian McCann was a one, another great writer for our show and performer for many years. He's Minty, the candy cane and the coconut guy. I don't remember. He played a million, million, million guys. So Brian McCann had a friend or his wife had a friend who was a dancer in the touring company of Hello Dolly when Carol Channing was in, in the show.

Right. And the one story that he did have is that, like, there was a point in the show where all the dancers come and then they have a like a little set, like, move that they do. They come in a circle and they, in a line kind of do a little dance. And apparently one show, this guy, Brett, did like a little extra English on his dance. Yeah. Yeah. And after the show, they said, Carol wants to talk to you. And he went into her dressing and she said, Brett, what's the name of this show? And he said, Hello Dolly. And she said, that's right, it's not Hello Brett. And so he knew like, okay, I can't do that again. Right. And then he just got bored one time and he did the same thing where he got like an extra laugh out of some sort of

dance move. And she called him in again and she's like, what's the name of this show? And he's like, Hello Dolly. She goes, that's right, you're fired. That's the, that's the McCann specific version. Yes. This other story. Here we go. I don't remember if it was a McCann, but it is lore, especially like among, it's a very camp story. It's a very gay story. And every gay person knows this story as far as I know. Carol Channing, supposedly someone in the show, they're in a theater, they're at a theater, a touring theater where the bathroom for the rest of the cast doesn't work. And Carol, who apparently was a very generous and lovely person in many ways, said, well, they can just use my bathroom. Right. We'll share it. So yeah. So I guess it was

in her dressing room and somebody was in there and Carol came in and the story of the version I heard is that she comes in and she's like slamming. It was like, God damn it. Like angry. So this person just like silently picked up their legs in the stall that they were in. Right. And there's two stalls. There's two stalls. And, and they just decided to be quiet. And Carol Channing went into the other stall, letter rip, then got up and they went like, and the person heard, corn. When did I have corn? Okay. So first of all, so that story gets told. And then it's the writer's room. So that's just where we start. So then we started riffing around. It turned into what if it was a special production of fellow dolly where she sings hello, dolly. And then she can fire herself across the

room on a stream of high powered corn. Yeah. And the crowd would go, oh, and applaud. And it was like, see the great, the great corn rendition, the flying corn rendition of the stage on a stream of shit. If that was, if that was the kind of stuff we could have done, we'd still have the Tonight Show. And America would be a better place. God, you also have this ability, this crazy eerie ability to, I don't even think you're, I think you're fine with your tech savvy. But when it came to putting something insane and upsetting on someone else's computer, you were able to go. Stuff we're not allowed to do anymore. No, no, no. But of course, this was a different time. It was a different time. And it was, and I don't think I, I think it was always

to men. I never did this. No, no, you always did it to men. And it was usually, it was the more uptight people like Brian Kiley, who's a hilarious writer, who's been one of our monologue people, but he's very Irish Catholic uptight. Yeah. You know, Brian makes me look like Hugh Hefner. Yeah, yeah. So I just would like, and these were, these are fairly early days in the internet, you know, like it wasn't. Yeah, you were, you were a pioneer. Yeah. I mean, I just, but also too, of course, like within the first minute, you know, of this new technology being born, it's just like, well, can we see pictures naked people and fucking like, yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. So around the office, that was like, when we, I mean, it was my first exposure to the

internet on a regular basis there, I think, of any like office area that I worked at. But so yeah, so there was lots of, lots of porn and like Jordan Schlansky, let's talk about porno. Jordan Schlansky was in an office. He shared an office with his people. He's an associate producer on it. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, everybody knows who he is. But he set it up so that his computer faced away from the door and he'd be at his desk and I, you know, like, stick my head in and say hi or something equally. Hey, come here and come see this. And I would come around the corner and I learned quickly, don't go when he says this, don't do this, because I would come around the corner just in time to see just a new lower third of a body in rubber pants,

filling it up with shit. Oh my God. Somehow filling up like rubber pants with just an incredible volume of shit. And he'd be like, huh, how about that? I'm like, fuck you, man, I'm not going to do that anymore. Not anymore. Yeah. Yeah. My rubber pants phase is over. Yeah, yeah. No, but you, but I would find, I would find like usually, usually, uh, big hairy men having sex and put it on Brian Kiley's computer. And I just got to where I could do it and I would put it as his screensaver so that when he would, and he, I don't think he really had a good idea how to not get it, but I could do it very quickly. So he'd get up for just a second and I'd be in that room hanging out talking or something and he'd get up for just a second and he'd leave

his computer unlocked and just could quickly like Google, I don't know if it was even Google at some, you know, maybe Excite or Yahoo and look up just like bears, you know, which is like gay men, like bears sex. Right. And then quickly just find like, you know, a big hairy butthole getting pounded and put it up on his, as his screensaver. Right. And it was, you know, it's the kind of fun you had back in 94. Back in 94, those were the, that was what people did. Yes. That's what, and, and to be fair, everyone did it. Yes. I mean, every, in every walk of life, did it. Yep. Ted Kennedy used to do that all the time. Mother Teresa. So it's so funny because looking back on it, people experience a show one way. They're watching it at home or at night or late

at night or they're stoned and they're watching this weird late night show. But then I think it's people refer to them as kind of Larry Sanders moments where what really happens, what's going on there. And one of the things I've told people over the years is that in the commercial breaks, because you're seated to the right of the person, if you know, you're, you're seated to the other side of the person and you're seated slightly back, the commercial break would start. We don't talk about this anymore. Haven't done it in years. But the music would kick in and I'd thank the guest and the guests would get up and leave and you'd move back to the seat next to me. And you'd lean over and tell me exactly what kind of plastic surgery they had had because you had

this angle on their faces. Again, I don't want to give names of people. It's gotten better. But you used to say plastic surgery has gotten much better over the years. But you used to be able to see, it was all next cars. It was like next cars and yeah. You told me about a person who will go unnamed who had had the face pulled back so many times. It was a man, face pulled back so many times that you saw the hair from the sideburns went behind the ear. And you lean forward and this is a very famous person and you lean forward and the music's playing. And I say, thanks a lot, famous person. And they leave and it's, and he leans over and went, okay, all right. And I lean in and I go, what? And you're like, okay, the face is pulled back so far that the sideburns are

behind the ear. It was beard. Yeah. It was beard from underneath the chin. Yeah. He had to shave behind his ears. Yeah. Because whiskers grew behind his ears. Yes. And I remember that just being this like, who knows? There's this whole other world that nobody knows about this happening on this show. And I had heard that. I had heard somebody told, I don't have any idea where, but somebody said, yeah, he's had a facelift and his beard grows behind his ears now. So when he was on the show, I certainly was like, all right, let's check this out, you know? And it was 100% true. But I mean, there were people too, there were like old fucking men with like, where you could see like right in the back, like the hairline at the top of your neck, like where the hair comes

down. Just like obvious scars, like from getting repeated. Yeah. Like facelifts and it's like, oh, Jesus Christ. But I don't know. This whole stuff will do. To all his own. I don't know. I want to do is wait. And I have been thinking about maybe some sort of waddle surgery. Or you want a waddle added? What do you want? No, no, I wouldn't. I don't know. As I get older, like if the waddle gets too big, I, you know, I might have that reduced. And I or I probably almost assuredly at some point, because I have lost a fair amount of weight and I plan on keeping it off. I and I said this on the show once, I will get the fat sucked out of my tits. I that is something I like. Yeah. I mean, I just, it'd be great to not have these big fucking tits.

So you're man boobs. No, they're tits. Whatever. Yeah. Okay. So you're going to have the fat sucked out of them. Yeah. Well, you, because you asked me once, I had had sinus surgery and you accuse me in like a joking way that I had had a nose job. Right. And I said, why would I bother? I said, my nose is fine. I'd rather, if I was going to do anything and get the fat sucked out of my tits. And would this be something to be willing for us to film? Fuck yeah. Did they, if it gets paid for? No, no, I'm not paying for it. If you're going to film it. Well, no, I think if you should, if you're going to get the surgery anyway, and you're getting paid to work here on the show, I think we should get to film it, but you still have to pay. No. Sonia, can you jump in here?

That doesn't make any sense. Sonia, you should step out. You should, you shouldn't be in this. Listen, Gorly, when I jump in here for a second. Doesn't make any sense. Gorly, you're out. Yeah. No, I'm no Schlansky. You can't do a strong-hearted me into something. No. Yeah. I have always wondered what would happen. I have this perverse that if I went, let's say we had like three weeks off in the summer or something, and I went and got radical, like things pulled back in this radical way and came back, and it was just painful to look at. And I looked very different, who I think most people wouldn't say anything. Most people working here. I know that you right away, well, you wouldn't say anything, Sonia, because you'll be the one that drove me to Phoenix,

Arizona for the giant face fry. Yeah. But, and I know, and I think out of politeness, there's a lot of people who work here who probably be like, they'd be talking behind my back for sure. Yeah, yeah. I know you'd go right up to me and go, what the fuck did you do? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I'd say, I did nothing. I just went out in the sun. That's all. Yeah. Yeah. With a little lizard tongue. We worked with someone. Yes, we did. And what was this, what was the cover story? We knew someone who had surgery and their cover story for, for their very obvious surgery was, and I don't remember. They came back and they had had obvious facial surgery, and they said that they were injured playing softball. And we were all

just like, please don't, just don't say anything. You don't have to say anything. As far as I know, playing softball never turned someone Asian for a few months. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, that happened. Yeah. Well, we should, we should mention mine. Yeah. So should we not talk about my podcast? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Let's do that. One or I, cause that's why I'm here. Yeah. I mean, I, we don't speak otherwise. Andy and I have not spoken. We go through managers and lawyers. You've called me Randy like four times in the last month. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I mean, I did have an erection at the time. So maybe that was it. That's how I covered it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I got a podcast of my own coming out on, on this same cartel,

on the same entertainment cartel. And it actually, anyone listening to this, you can go listen to the first one right away. My first guest is. Oh, I think I know who your first guest is. It's Carol Channing's lawyer. It's Carol Channing's ghost. How dare you? How dare you? I'm gonna haunt your toilet. Your toilet. When did I have coin? But yes. So my, the podcast I'm doing, and I kind of, although I don't, I don't really want this to get out, but I mean, no one's listening to this, but I just really want to trick people into having like a little mini therapy session. Yeah. An incredibly like, you know, like unprincipled therapy session, like who the fuck am I to have a therapy session with? You want to be, you want them to have a therapy session with an

unlicensed. Precisely. Dangerously medicated therapy. I want to get in there. I want to lift the lid on their skull, stir around in there and fuck it all up. So I just tried to think of a gimmick to be able to talk about those kind of topics. And so, and it's called the three questions. And the three questions are, where do you come from? Where are you going? And what have you learned? A number one, people are terrified to have to talk about themselves in any kind of philosophical, emotional way. But at least they know what they're in for. And they kind of, and it's kind of good to get them talking about stuff that isn't what they might normally talk about, which is plug in a project or something. So who have you talked to so far? I have talked to

Natasha Leon, Lauren Bouchard, who is the creator of Bob's Burgers, Baron Vaughn, Nicole Beyer, Amy Sideris, Ron Funches. And I mean, for me, it looks like it's just, like I say, it's like, I'm only doing it because I wanted, I'm interested in talking to these people about this stuff. And I'm only talking to people I'm interested in talking to. Like there have been people that they've pitched to me and I'm like, no thanks. That sounds boring. I don't want to talk to former president Barack Obama. Yon, that guy's slow. Yeah, that's what they always say about Obama. So today it's out on a Monday. Then after that, it will be available on Tuesdays. So it drops. That's what the kids say. Yes, it'll drop. It drops like a turd on Tuesdays.

Think that turd Tuesdays. That's a mononic device, mnemonic device for the kids out there. Turd Tuesday. Mononic. I'll listen to it and judge it harshly. Judge. I'll be very judgmental. I'll probably ask, since it's through my company, if we can insert just audio clips of me. Cackling. Cackling maniacally. Well, this is very strange to finish a show with you, then come upstairs, do a podcast with you. I'll see you tomorrow. Yes. You're probably or haunted by me at night. No. My big Irish home. The minute I'm out of here, I don't even remember who the hell you are. What you look like. You're out fast, aren't you? You're out of this. I am. I am out of here fast. I do. I pride myself on, I don't know if I pride myself.

As the show's ending, you can hear Andy's car start. There are times when, especially because we will occasionally have a taped piece that we show to an audience after the show just to kind of get a sense of where the laughs are. I have been a number of times when I am driving before the audience has left this. I'm driving out of here before the audience has left this. Right. The audience can see your Dodge minivan. Well, I drive through the studio honking while they're watching the video. See ya, suckers. Fuck you. So it's like I started to not stay till 10.30 at night. I'd go home at 8 p.m. and you'd put avocado slices on your arm. What is it? Cucumber slices. What's the cliche? Cucumber slices. Avocado. I've been

putting avocado on my eyes all along. Oh, no, you've been doing it wrong. Oh, because I wake up a whole avocado. Whole avocado is just sitting on each eye. Such a bad idea. It's cucumber slices. Oh, I wish I talked to somebody. You're silly. Oh, well. They bring those poolside at the four seasons, I think. And put them on your eyes? Yeah, yeah, I think they do. I think they bring icy cucumber slices. I'm banned from the four seasons. Well. One goddamn die. One goddamn die tribe. And those people had it coming. Oh, they sure did. They sure did. They sure did. All right, well, Andy Richter. Thank you for having me. The name of the show is The Three Questions with Andy Richter. The Three Questions with Andy Richter. Check it out today and then

it's going to drop on Tuesdays. Oh, yeah, dropping. Dropping like turds Tuesday. Turds Tuesday. Peace out. Bye. All right, we're going to check in with some listeners who've left messages for us. Maybe I can hear their concerns, thoughts. Let's do it. Will, if you wouldn't mind, play number 15. Hi, my name's Joe and I live in Hamilton, Canada. And I wanted to say how much I love Zona. I think she's funny. I think she's smart. I love when she sassed you in the digilose mug bit back in 2013. And she has the best earrings. And my question for Conan is you give Zona a really hard time about her job. But can you tell us a story of when she like really saved your ass and just like went above and beyond? Love the podcast. Thank you so much, guys. Bye. I like her.

That's really sweet. Joe from Hamilton, Canada. I like you, Joe. That's a very nice stuff that you said about Zona. And your question is a really sweet and great question. And no. What? No, I can't. I can't think of one time that Zona's truly saved the day. I'll be honest with you, there have been countless times. I was going to say that. Yeah, I know. I was going to do it for you. You didn't trust me to actually do it? No, I thought you were going to do a thing. And I was going to say there's too many... Oh, don't sneeze. There's... Oh, I'm sorry. I got a cold coming back from Ghana. Gross. I told you I'm not well. I know your germs are all over the place. No, no, I'm going that way and I'm taking care of it. I work really hard. It's just a mist of it.

I know we're all on the mist. We're all going to get sick because of this. I've had it for a while. Go ahead. I really do think there's a lot of times. I am actually, listen, I know you make jokes, but I'm really, I know I'm good at my job. I don't need you to tell me that I'm good at my job because I know that I am. I think you said it several times because you're insecure about whether or not you are good at your job. I am. I think, I'll say this. I think that when the chips are down, you rise to the occasion and you do incredible things. I will say that. You can do anything when you put your mind to it. And there have been many times where the chips have been down and you've risen to the occasion and you've done heroic duty.

I think when things kind of settle down, maybe you let things fall through the cracks because what the heck? You only, you know, right? I guess. Is that a fair assessment? I think, I think I do a good job, especially when it matters. And I think generally speaking, I'm good at what I do. Yeah. And then there are times. No, not really. I'm taking, you know what I love? I'm taking a question about list the times when Sona's really saved the day and I'm steering it towards the times that you really have. I know. I can see what you're doing. And I'm good at it. No, no, you do a great job. I think there have been times where I mean, there have been times where I've been ill and you've jumped into action and managed to find me

medicines and stuff when we're like in a foreign country. I think you've done that several times. When we travel, I'm really on it. Yeah. We'll be in a foreign country and I'll just, you know, be under the weather or need some kind of medication or something and you'll disappear into the streets of Cairo and come back with this amazing potion that saves the day. Yeah. But when you do get to a point in your life, when you're much older and you can't take care of yourself, I will not stick around. You are. No. You are going to carry me to the toilet. Oh my God. No, that's not happening. Yes, you will. The moment you cannot physically take care of yourself, I am out of here. You will carry me to the toilet in two years. No. In two

years, you will carry me to the toilet because I will have reached a certain age. Well, actually, won't be my age so much as my attitude. I just will become willful. It's called willful incontinence. I'm just going to decide. I'm just going to decide I've done enough in life. Enough of me walking to the toilet. So not carry me. No, I won't do that. Can you think of any specific examples of when you really saved the day? Speaking of that, have you taken care of him and bringing food and medicine? Let's play voicemail 24. Hey, Conan. This is Sean. I want to know what is your favorite Armenian food? Thanks. Love the podcast. Hey, Sean. I'm glad you're enjoying the podcast. I did. We took a trip to Armenia, Sona and I. It's one of the travel specials that

we shot. We had a really great time. I remember they have a lot of dried fruit. Yeah. That's very good. Dried apricot. Dried apricot. And then, is it pomegranate? Dried crushed, or is it dried pomegranate? I don't know. Yeah. Sorry. You don't know? I don't. You can just say dried fruit. It's basically they make really good fruit rollups. Yeah. And they've been making them for like 7,000 years. There's like nuts in them and they're smashed. But also there's just a lot of kebabs. A lot of kebabs. A lot of barbecue. Yeah. I would say the grilled meats, the kebabs they made or might be the best. I like the kebabs and I liked the dried fruit. The only thing that I did notice is that after a while, people kept presenting me with rolled up dried fruit. It was really

great. And then I remembered one guy saying, have I got something for you? And he made me walk like 600 yards and go up a long staircase and go through into different rooms. And then he finally led me to a room that had some dried fruit in it. I didn't have the heart to tell him, you're the 700th person to give me dried fruit. Yeah. And there's a lot of meat in there. Grandpa was a butcher since he was 12. Now, some people say my grandpa was a butcher and it means their grandpa was a horrible murderer. No. Yeah. Like my grandfather was a butcher. But I mean, he really was a butcher. He murdered. Oh, he murdered indiscriminately until he was overpowered by the constables. But yours was a legitimate butcher. You may have murdered. But no, but

Dede was an actual butcher. Yeah. He was an actual butcher who may or may not have murdered outside of his job. What do you call it? Maybe. Dede? Dede. Dede. Dede. Yeah, yeah, and Dede. Yeah, yeah, and Dede. Where have you been, man? It's not. Grandpapa and Grandmither. No, no, no. Yes. Grandma and Grandpa. Yeah, right. In your home, Grandma and Grandpa. Now, Grandmither and Grandpa. I'm here with my feather duster to get the, to get the. Oh, yeah. Where is it going? I'm here with my feather duster to, to wipe off your oil portraits. I hope I inherit them one day. I do. And live up to the great name of gorely. And I fell off a cliff. Yeah. You always fall off a cliff at the end of the episode.

But no, you call it's Dede. Dede. And when we were young, I just remember going to his house and he had a skinned lamb on a spit in the backyard. Yeah. And we. Like eyeball still intact? The whole thing there. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. It was boss. It was in the backyard in like their house in Van Nuys. Did you just say it was boss? It was boss. It was pretty boss. Wow, yeah. It was cool. It's pretty cool to have a Dede, if you will. Yeah. Who can skin a calf. Yeah. Or a sheep, or a goat. What was the strangest thing you ever saw him skin? I don't know. It's not like I was in his butcher shop watching skin animals. No, I don't, I mean. What do you do with the skins? I have no idea. Isn't it true that you kids used to put them on some times and run around the

neighborhood? Put on skins and dead animals? Yeah. Leather face. And run around the neighborhood in Los Angeles? Yeah. And saying, look at me. I'm a lamb. Boo. I'm a lamb. That's what you do on Halloween. Oh, here come some kids. Whoa, kid, what are you wearing? Boo. I'm a baby lamb. Now give me some raisinettes. That's weird. I know. Like I said, I just got off a flight. I'm feeling a little out of it. Yeah. What did you dress up as for Halloween when you were a kid? I remembered once my mom, and she met well. But you know, when you're little, they go off and they get you, you know, there was the plastic mask and the sort of apron-y, the vinyl nylon thing you put on. Those had a name. And so if you were Captain America, I mean, if you were Spider-Man,

it would be a plastic Spider-Man mask and then just a tie-on smock that sort of evoked the Spider-Man costume. Yeah, it wasn't the costume. It was like a picture of Spider-Man on your chest. Whatever. It was all kind of, those were costumes back in the day. And I know my mom once, she didn't, she was responsible for getting us our Halloween costumes because we were just kids. She picked them out pretty arbitrarily and she gave me mine and it was Uncle Sam. And let me point out it was Uncle Sam at like the height of Vietnam, Vietnam War, Watergate, disillusionment with government. And I remember walking around the neighborhood. You might as well have gone as Barry Goldwater. I know. I went around as the symbol of everything

people had lost hope in. And my poor mom, my poor mom, of course, I bitched about it. And I just thought, you know, she had six kids. What were the other kids that year? So who was this whole gang? I want to picture the whole gang. I don't, I mean, I'm just, I don't remember. I think Uncle Sam with Statue of Liberty. Luke was Nixon. Neil was Haldeman. Justin was Ehrlichman. You know, it was, it was a pretty, Kate was Jimmy Hoffa. Yeah, it was a rough time. I would have killed to see that. Yeah, it was, it was rough all around. But yeah, that was, that was me back in the day. All right. Well, we've talked about Armenian food. We've talked about nice things Sona did

and Uncle Sam. That's all the things you need to cover in a podcast, I think. I think we have touched on, if you listen to this podcast again, carefully, you'll realize that there's a touchstone for every major issue. It's ever faced humanity and every emotion that's ever been felt. That's right. This, this is basically the canon of all of Shakespeare's works in this, in this one podcast today, but you have to listen very carefully for all the themes we touch on. Yeah, they're there. I want to see you in that costume so bad. Uncle Sam. Yeah. Did you have a little white, tufty beard on the mask? No, no, it was just, it was made of plastic. The whole thing was a molded plastic Uncle Sam face with the little white beard and then an

Uncle Sam. And I think I had an American flag, a smock and then an American flag to like wave around. And I was walking around the streets, literally while people in the background were burning their draft cards. And you have to picture these costumes. They were like koolots. They only went down to your shins. They weren't full length, but they were a onesie. Yeah. And I just understood I was completely naked underneath. It was like a, it was like a surgical gown. So you could see my ass. Now that's America. You could see, it looked like Uncle Sam on his way to a colonoscopy. So it was, it was a rough time for me and for America. But you know what? We both got through it. We both flourished and we've both never been better off than we are now. Make America great

again. Why did you make it political? Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts,

Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.