Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Anthony Anderson

Episode Date: January 18, 2021

Actor and game show host Anthony Anderson feels bloated, hungover, and constipated about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Anthony sits down with Conan to discuss working in showbusiness with his mother, throwing his son a Bro Mitzvah, and playing dominoes with Michael Jordan. Later, Conan pitches a potential history podcast on the Russian Revolution. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is El Antojito, aka Anthony Anderson, and I feel bloated, hungover, and constipated about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hello there, and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is Conan O'Brien, and yes, I am constantly in search of a friend. That's true. You know, people I think listening to the podcast assume, oh, you must by now have a friend. We really get along in these podcasts, and then, you know, we're in a pandemic quarantine. It's over. I don't hear from these people. No one's followed up, huh? Not one follow-up yet on true friendship. And we're, I think we're over 100 podcasts in. Yeah. Not one true friend, but fortunately, I'm always joined by two people who I think would give their

lives for me. Whoa. Sonam of Sessian. Ksona, you would. Wow. Ksona. No. No. Give my life. Yes. Yes. No, why? Why would you even think that? That's not even anything that even kind of crossed my mind. Even if I could save you sometimes, I think, like, you were falling off a cliff and you were like, please just grab my arm. I'd be like, I'd hesitate. Even if you were, uh, had a seatbelt attaching you to a nearby oak tree so that was, there was no danger that I'd pull you over. You're saying even if there was no danger to you, you would be conflicted for a second about whether or not I deserve to live some more. It would be like a slight hesitation, but I would do it. And I, I want you to know that

I would do that. And that's how much you mean to me. Well, thank you, Sonam. To be succinct, what you're basically saying is, uh, I love you so much, Conan, that if you're a life or in danger and I could save it easily at no risk to my own, I'd hesitate, but probably still do it. Exactly. You know what I want to do? I want, uh, the people at Hallmark to make that card. I, if there was no risk to my life and it would be easy for me to save yours, I would hesitate, but probably still do it. And then you put a $5 bill in there and you go, thanks grandma. Uh, now gorely, I know you to be an honorable man, a man of tradition, uh, a man, uh, who would always be willing to give your life for a

friend. You seem like that kind of guy. Yes. Sometimes do I take a little jab at you possibly maybe, but it's all good fun among chums. So what do you think? Would you give your life? I would absolutely give my life for you. Sona. Oh, for Sona. Girls, I would give my life for you. All right. That's great. Yeah. No, Conan, I would absolutely give my, uh, let me think about this. I don't think you should. Okay, great. I'm released. You're released from your responsibility. Um, I'd give a limb to save your life. Which limb? Are you, are you kidding? Well, it's makes a difference. I'd save my left leg. You mean you'd sacrifice your left leg. Yeah. Yeah. That's the leg we don't use as much. I'm

right-legged. Yeah, it's true. My God. You'd walk in circles for the rest of your life. Uh, yeah. I mean, the prosthetics now are so amazing. That's what I'm thinking about. They make these incredible, like, I mean, sometimes you see people running in the, you know, with the, with a fake leg or something, you're like, that thing is awesome. They do look pretty cool. Yeah, they do. And you think, then you start to think I would put a charging port in that. I don't know. They're all ways that you could modify. A charging port. Yeah. For my various electronics. I just find it disturbing that Gourley said he would give a limb for you. And then you made him tell you which limb. Like that's. Yeah, that felt

contractual. Like that wasn't cool. Yeah. Well, I don't know. It makes a difference. I think I might have just agreed to something in the future that I'm not prepared to do. That's true. Now I'm going to, now I'm going to say my life's in danger and that you need to give that limb. Even though later on you find out by in danger, I read about a windstorm several hundred miles away. I read about it in the papers and I thought it could be of some concern. Gourley, have that operation immediately. All right, I guess so. Are you sure it's important? Oh, that windstorm's headed this way. Where is it now? It's in Nebraska. Conan, we're in Los Angeles. I know, but they say it's on a westerly track. You wouldn't

lie to me. It has a 1% chance of hitting LA. Remove that limb. I want to hear a bone saw in the next five minutes. Oh my God. You know, when I was a kid, I had appendicitis and it was really bad. I don't know how old I was. I was about 10 years old. I mean, I remember being doubled over and my dad took me to the hospital and they said, we have to operate right away. And I remembered saying to the doctors, save the appendix. I want it. What? Oh my God. I remember the doctor being like, what? And I was like, and I'm doubled over in pain, this little red-haired weirdo with a bull cut and freckles, doubled over and I was like, save my appendix. I want it. I think they told me yes. And then of course,

the next thing you know, you're counting back from a hundred and this was a long time ago. You know, they just had a sponge with some ether on it. An adopter in the corner was heating a knife over a blade and we were on a whaling ship. I remember that. It was in a storm. But anyway, no, I was at Children's Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts and I wake up, my mother's there and a nurse is there. And the first thing I said was, did they say, I was expecting them to hand me a jar with my appendix. I said, did they save my appendix and the nurse said, no. What are you talking about? And I said, but they told me they would and they're like, dear, have a plum. Yeah. What were you going to do with it? I don't

know. But I remembered having this very strong feeling. It was mine. It was mine. It was a piece of me. Maybe I had a premonition that I'd become a character of some historic significance. What? And you'd want that in a museum or a ebay or what? What would we do with it? Look, it's inevitable there will be a Conan museum one day and let's not, you guys are going to do your, oh, okay. Yeah, Sonia, you're going to do your, oh, that's ridiculous. So that's stupid. No, you never know what's going to happen. And what if they actually had my, you went to the Conan and Brian Museum and you're like, oh, there's a scrunchie from Sonia's hair. Don't worry about it. There's Matt Gorley's watch fob

you know, whatever. You go through the Conan Museum. These are different shows. These are different, you know, little pieces of memorabilia. There's a microphone he used. Oh, look, look what they have in this, in this case, his appendix removed. Yeah, that's when I'd go get your things relieving. No, I'm just putting this out to anybody out there who's had an operation and something's been removed. Ever noticed they don't give it to you? It's yours. You made it. It's your cellular structure. Huh. I just, I want my appendix. It's out there somewhere. Somewhere there's a jar. Definitely in a landfill. Someone knows something. Somewhere there's, first of all, if it isn't a landfill, it'll be easy to see because it'll be glowing.

What? Is it special? Yeah, look for it faithful. And you'll see, if you see a glowing landfill, you know that my appendix is in there. No, you're just getting people to go into a toxic waste dump. I know. Nuclear waste. Working for a 40 year old appendix. Let me rephrase. It's either means that it's the holy site, burial site of my magical appendix, or there's a lot of nuclear grade plutonium in there, one or the other. But either way, get on your knees and start digging with your hands as quickly as you can. Now, I'm not saying I'm good at transitions, but I don't think that's the point of Conan O'Brien needs a friend. The point is not professionalism, but intention and pureness of heart. And I'm very delighted

about our guest today. He is an absolutely hilarious actor and comedian who stars as Dre Johnson in the ABC series, Black-ish. He also hosts the game show to tell the truth. He is a lovely human being, just a fine, a fine gentleman. And I'm honored to know him. So excited to talk to him today. Anthony Anderson, welcome. First of all, you know, I'm a huge fan of yours and I've loved having you on the show. And thank you for doing this because I've been really looking forward to talking to you. You are such a funny guy, such a talented guy. You've had spectacular success. And I feel like every time we talk, we end up talking about your

mom. And I love it because she's one of my favorite characters. She's, well, she is a character, Conan. She is. I don't even think, I mean, I think you script things for Doris because the stuff you tell me about Doris sounds like actually it sounds better than what any writer's room could come up with. Because it's real. You know, we live in a world where art imitates life. Well, when it comes to my mom, life is imitating art. She's just, she's got this Lucille ball in the old, I love Lucy show quality about her, which is the person who wants to be in show business. She's show business adjacent because you've had all this success, but she wants in on show business the way Lucy wanted in

on show business because she was married to Ricky. Don't you feel that sometimes? Like your mom really has the bug. No, she does. And quite naturally, my mother always wanted to be an actor. The one thing that two things stopped her. She was a single mother at 17 when she had me. But more importantly, she's a horrible actress. That is. Oh, that's small, tragic flaw. What did you see her in where you realize, have you seen her in something as a child where you thought like, yeah, you know, what was your experience of seeing your mom perform because of her lack of talent? I really didn't see her in much. Nobody would give her an opportunity. But I remember we were where she was in a production of a raisin

in the sun at Compton Community College, which is where I grew up. And I'm the oldest of four, the three boys and a girl, my sister is the youngest. But at that time, it was just the three boys. And we were in the back of the theater. And I happened to look up on stage and see my mother performing or rehearsing a raisin in the sun. And I said, that is what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. That's impressive. Yeah. So that is where the bug bit me. Right. But my mother and I, I was 18 months old, and she put me in a production of a play called Bread Bings and Things. And so that was our first time working together. And we haven't really worked together professionally until, you know, we started doing our game

show to tell the truth. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You sure are putting her in that? So it's been a long time coming. But again, she put her dreams on being an actor on hold to raise an actor, not knowing that's what she was doing. Right. And my mother has always been so excited for my success. Yeah, that's sweet. That's nice. Well, she should be. But you know, I want to tell you something. This is where you and I can bond. I got the bug because as a kid, I saw my mother perform in a production of Raisin in the Sun. And it was in Compton. I remember the crowd being very, very unhappy. There was a lot of, a lot of people didn't think she belonged in a raisin in the sun. This, this, this Irish woman, I thought it

was very progressive. But I remember the crowd getting very hostile and we both had to run out of there. But that's when I knew I want to alienate crowds. Well, Conan, your mother being in the production of a raisin in the sun as an Irish woman should have changed the title to a prune. The Irish, let me admit the Irish, we, we have various skin problems. We don't age well. Let's put it that way. You're going to look like you for the next 110 years, Anthony. Yeah, yeah. I am already starting to, I look like a parade float from six years ago. But it's funny because now you're working with your mom. My parents were never in show business, had nothing to do with show business, but it'd be tricky to

work with a parent, I would think, you know, it would just be unless, does she ever pull rank on you? Even though you're Anthony Anderson, you're, you know, you're the sort of the CEO. She tries to Conan, she tries to and I let her think that she's the actual star of the operation. She thinks it's all because of her. And I was like, okay, mom, if that's what you want to believe, sure, believe it. You know, like I say, you know, my mother is my biggest cheerleader. It's been, it's been 25 plus years for me now in this industry working consistently as an actor where this has been the only job that I've had to be able to provide for myself and my family and all of that. And my mother still is so excited as this,

as if this is day one for me. And I was like, my, you got to, you got to calm down. You, you got to relax. We've been doing this almost three decades now. This is nothing new to us. But because her thirst for fame was never quite quenched when she was growing up, that you know, every waking moment, what are we doing, baby? Where are we going? Who are you talking to? Who are we talking to today? Where are we going to go? And I was like, my, you got to relax. My mother would go to Kinko's and print pictures out of myself. And she would forge my autograph on them and just hand them out to people. She'd be like, I'm Anthony Anderson's mama. And it was like, yeah, I don't give a damn. And Conan, I really

had to stop her. I was like, mom, I was like, one day, somebody's going to snatch you off the street and kidnap your ass and hold you for ransom thinking I got more money than what I have. And I'm going to have to tell them that, hey, if you call it for ransom, I'm sorry, this is all I got. And if that's not enough, cut her feet off first because she doesn't like her feet. So if you want to do something, you know, start with the feet. That's great. You can always put grocery cart wheels on the bottom of the feet. You know what I mean? Just chance him, she'll roll around. She won't always go in the direction she wants to go, but she'll eventually get where she's going. I love that. I have told,

I've put it out there that, you know, to all kidnappers, I tap out after $6,000. That's it. $6,000 my limit. And, you know, that's, and that's like, that's 15 trips to the, to different ATMs. I haven't, I haven't really thought about what my limit would be, but it's between six and 10 grand. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, I'm telling you, it's very clear when you think about it for just a second, people act like, oh, I don't even know if I could put a price. When you think about it for a second, you get your price and mine is $6,000. If it's $6,500 and friends are saying, I'll spot you the 500, I'm like, no, no. I draw the line. I don't like these people that much, you know? No, I actually

think, I think it's, I think it's sweet and it's appropriate. My mom, the same way, always never quite got used to the idea. So I could be walking along the street and this is after years of being on television. I'd be with her and someone, you know, 900 yards away would shout, Conan. And I would just turn and wave and go, hey, and then keep walking. And she would say, that person called you, you should go back over there. And I'd be like, mom, they're walking the other way. They're 900 yards away, but they called you. You should go over there. And, you know, cause she really thought like how exciting that someone recognized you. And I am, I think probably like you. I'm, I try to be very generous

and nice to people, but if someone's 900 yards away and walking in the other direction and doesn't even seem to want me to come back, I think if I started following that person, they would have called a cop. So, Conan, mine is just the opposite. My mother goes out and gets people and bring them to me. That's what my mother does. She goes out and recruits fans. And then as she's bringing them back, she was like, so do you watch my show? And they were like, what's your show, man? Oh, I'm, I'm the host of To Tell the Truth. That's my show. So that's, that's what my mother does. My mother, I swear to God, she used to go to the star market in Chestnut Hill and she would say to the guy bagging groceries,

do you like television? And the kid with like acne would be like, I don't know, I guess I watch television. Do you like late night shows? Oh, sometimes I watch them. Do you ever watch Conan O'Brien on occasion if nothing else is on? And then she would say, well, guess what? I'm his mother and I have a key chain for you. And she had laminated key chains in her pocket. And the guy wouldn't say like Yipi, the guy would take it the way if someone handed me sort of a wet dead butterfly. I'd go, okay, I guess, not sure where I'm going to put it, but okay, I guess that's something. Conan, your mom and my mom are the same except for key chains. My mother would literally walk around with a gross of black and white eight

by 10s, that she forged my autograph on. So they would just, they would just be pictures. And then my mother would write the person's, what's your name? What's your name, honey? Okay, Conan. All right, Anthony wrote this to you and she would hand it out. She would walk around with just a satchel of eight by 10s. Anthony wanted you to have this. Yeah, okay, mama. Well, God bless them. And I mean, she's got to be, because what you've done is singular. I mean, yes, I talked to a lot of people who have made it big in show business and, you know, God bless them all. But you, more than anyone I can think of, you got a conscience about what it is you wanted to do, what message you wanted to put

out there with Black-ish and with your cast and your writers. And it is, I think, exceptional. I think what you've achieved is quite unusual and it's meaningful. It's really meaningful to so many people. And I would say that in any community, to show that you can take the format of television and say, yeah, but this is what we want to say about this moment in time. This is what we want to say that we think has value and needs to be said. Yeah, thank you, man. That's, yeah, that's so on point with what Kenya Barris, who's my partner in this and who created our show, we sat down and we talked about the landscape of television and what was missing for us as viewers. Eight years ago now, before we

shot the pilot, before we had an idea of anything. And we both realized that we had the same sensibilities, you know, Kenya being from Inglewood, me being from Compton, both of us being first generation successful. And the shows that we watched all in the family, Good Times, the Jeffersons and Cosby's, you know, shows that spoke to the moment in which they were in and from characters that were unapologetic and opinionated, who stood firm in their truth and what they believed in and what they felt. And you knew where you stood with these characters. And we talked about shows like that and what we wanted to do. And then we just started talking about our families. And we were sharing these stories

about our families and the struggles in which we were going through as black fathers raising black children in white suburbia with the success that we've had and, you know, the challenges that our children were facing. My son in particular was the only chocolate drop not only in his class, but in his grade for three and a half years. And I was sharing those stories with Kenya. And, you know, my son at 12 years old said he wanted to have a bar mitzvah, you know, and I was a son. That's not that's not what we do. That's not who we are. Yeah, but, but Anthony, you have to admit, they're pretty awesome. I mean, I think it's so much good stuff. I want a bar mitzvah now.

They are they are Conan. And you know, it's crazy. I said son, we can't do that. But what I will do, I will throw you a bro mitzvah. And oh, that's a great idea. Yeah. And I went and I went and I went and I trademarked the name bro mitzvah. And I threw him one and he's 20 he'll be 21 next month. To this day, all his friends, all of his Jewish friends says the best bar mitzvah they've ever gone to. What can you describe? What are the differences with a bro mitzvah? Just black people. I guess I guess I asked a pretty stupid question. You know what? So you're, so you're still reading from the Torah. There's still a lot of because you know what, if there was a bar mitzvah, look, I have a lot of respect for

the Jewish people and I love their culture and I love their religion. And I have been to many, many bar mitzvahs, both as a kid and as an adult. I don't, I, they lose me sometimes with the readings from the Torah. So if you were throwing a bar mitzvah minus the Torah readings plus the food plus even, you know, I'm so I want to go to a bro mitzvah. That's what I'm saying. You should come. There was, there were slight modifications at the bro mitzvah. You know, I had, I had called Kango and had Kango send bucket hats. I called Adidas and I bought his entire eighth grade class, Sheltoh Adidas. I had two DJs. I had a graffiti artist who were airbrushing white t-shirts throughout the night for whoever

came in. And that, that was our party. We passed them around in a chair. That was probably the only thing that. Oh, wait a minute. You can't, you stuck with the chair, the raising up of the chair. That's fantastic. Yes, we did that and passed them around the party, man. He had a ball. You know, it's great. I wish that in, you know, because what they do at a lot of bar mitzvahs is they give you a Yamaha and then it has the name of the, the boy being bar mitzvahed embroidered on the inside of the Yamaha. And it's making me wish that you were given out Kango caps, but it said, instead of your son's name on the inside, this incredibly Jewish name in him. Well, Myron Goldblum, you know, I wish

I had you there to talk to me. That's where the modifications came from. As opposed to putting the name in the Yamaha or the hat, I had the graffiti artist there airbrushing white t-shirts for everybody. That's fantastic. It's funny. I've had the, the honor of talking with former First Lady Michelle Obama a couple of times. And one of the conversations we got into and that she talks about a lot in her book is the complications of, you know, she came from South Side of Chicago, but her parents were aspiring for her to have a better life and they put this sort of, I think, emphasis on her speaking well and studying hard. And she remembered getting flack for that because she was saying, you know, she talked about

that. She talked about getting flack for, it's almost like trying to, I don't know how to put it, but trying to aspire to, to move up into this culture. And then you realize how complicated that can be, you know, like it can be complicated for, and I think this is something you talk a lot about in Blackish, which is we want to be successful and live in the suburbs because guess what? That's a nice way to live. But there are these complications that come with it. Yeah. Well, I get where you were going with that Michelle Obama story in the hood, we would call it that, oh, you're just trying to be white. It was like, so when, when did speaking proper English, intelligible English and being understood mean that I'm,

I'm trying to throw away my blackness and become white? No, I'm just trying to be, I'm just trying to be well spoken. I'm just trying to be able to communicate and have people understand me when I communicate with them. So that's, that's, we talked about that on the show, but, but that was a dilemma that being from the hood was all about. I'll never forget my very first television show was on NBC. And it was called Hangtime. It was a Saturday morning show about a high school basketball team. And I was the lone black guy on the show. And I never forget I met one of my co stars mom. And when I met her, we had a brief conversation and she turned to her son and said, Chad, he speaks so well. And I was like,

so well for what? A fat guy? So well for, because I don't know what you mean by I speak so well, ma'am. And, you know, Chad, Chad was slightly embarrassed by that. I was like, Chad, it's all good, man. It's all good. No harm, no file, but file. But yeah, yeah, it's, it's a very interesting dichotomy coming from places like that and just trying to be worldly. I'm going to say, unfortunately, our culture and the news of the last couple of years has provided your show with all kinds of things to discuss, which, you know, in, I think in the tradition of those Norman, many of those Norman Lear shows that you were referencing, you want to take things that are happening right now in the culture and

discuss them on the air and on the air on your show and have them be part of what's happening on your show, which I imagine is, look, I wish there weren't so many opportunities, but it also has been, I think, vital for Black-ish, don't you think? I do. I agree. It's been, it's been a great learning experience for all across the board for myself, for our community and for the community at large to witness and so somewhat be the fly on the wall as these stories are being told and these conversations are being had. You know, yeah, we all learn from one another and we all learn about ourselves, you know, when the mirror, when we're forced to look into the mirror and that's what we're

doing on our show. I know one of your castmates very well because he was a writer on our show and then we toured together and got to know each other really well, Dion Cole, and who I know is an exceptionally funny guy and also always brought a great perspective to my show because I'm afflicted with a kind of whiteness that's just stunning, you know. I'm not just a white man. I am the whitest man many people have ever seen to the point where people are always trying to take me to the hospital. But I mean, but I know that Dion, I'm so happy that you guys found each other and that he found such a great place on your show.

Yeah, no, all right, so am I, man. And I actually met Dion on one of my appearances on your show. That's how our friendship, yeah, that's how our friendship forged. I was hosting something or doing something and I've always respected Dion in his brand of humor, whatnot. And one of the times I was on the lot at Warner Brothers doing your show, he was around and I introduced myself and we just hit it off and I was like, Hey, man, I got some things that I'm working on. I'd like to collaborate with you. And that's that's how it all started. And that's where our friendship began. And then, you know, years down the line, Blackish had come about and, you know, Kenya and I were discussing who we could bring in for this particular

character. And we brought Dion in for Charlie. And that and that was the beginning of this love affair in this history. I want I want to know, how did you and Dion co connect? Well, Dion did a standup set when during the eight minutes that I was hosting the Tonight Show, Dion was on and he blew me away. And so that's when we started talking right then and there about how do we work together? Then I went on this national tour and we got Dion to come out. He was a writer. You know, he became a writer on my show. And then when when when I ended up going on that national tour between shows, Dion would come out in the middle. Reggie Watts opened the show, who's brilliant. And then I would come out and do

my stuff for a while. And then when I needed this break in the middle, I would bring Dion out and he would consistently kill wherever we went. And then we just had all these adventures on the road. It was kind of he's been on the podcast and talked about some of those stories. And I encourage anyone who wants, you know, after this one, if you want to listen to another funny podcast, listen to me with Dion Cole, because he had really hilarious stories. Just I just had a wonderful time with him. There are kinds of comedians that are funny when they need to be. And then you can talk to them and they they won't turn it on. And and you and I'll say it of Dion too, our guys are just are like, no, you know, you're you're

always fun. If we bumped into each other at a bro mitzvah say, but a bro mitzvah that neither one of us were invited to, especially not me. And we just started talking, you'd be really funny. And so that's it's just like I always am attracted to to people that I always gravitate towards people that are like, they're not they're funny professionally, but they're also just really funny all the time. Oh, yeah, thank you, man. Thank you. And you know, it's crazy because every time we have seen each other, you know, it's been just that even even no matter how brief the conversation or brief the encounter is between you and I, it's always fun banter. And before and as we're going our separate ways, I was like, damn,

Conan's a really cool dude. Well, that's nice. Well, I remember one moment we had where I was doing some kind of they're having some big junket where all the shows had to show up and I don't just mean on one network, but all the shows had to show up for this one junket. So I went out and I did something. And I was done. And I'm coming one way and all of a sudden these double doors open up and you and the entire cast of Black ish are just about to go do your thing and you walk out. You want we literally ran into each other. And I just said, Hey, and you guys were like, Hey, Conan. And I said, you guys Black ish, that is my story.

With one small exception, you ripped off my story. And you guys were like laughing at me like, what an idiot. I would just like to see it in the trades if I was suing you guys first. You guys ripped off my story with Black ish. And I am suing for $600 million. What would you have called your story, Conan? Sick ish. I think, I don't know. Pale ish, sick ish. How about nauseous? Nauseous. Nauseous. That's a good one. Nauseous. Yeah, that would be mine. I know you know everybody and you're so widely respected, but you've got one celebrity friend and I have to ask, I usually try to restrain myself, but I have to ask because he's one of the biggest stars of the 20th

slash 21st century. And I'm fascinated with this man. I'm talking about Michael Jordan and you've spent time with Michael Jordan and I've always been fascinated by him and admired him. And then of course, like all of us during quarantine, I watched that incredible documentary, which only made me 10 times more fascinated with Michael Jordan. And you're one of the only people I know who hangs, has hung out with this guy for extended periods of time. What can you tell me? Very competitive. Oh, really? Talks a lot of shit, Conan. And has a great sense of humor and just a fun dude to be around

man. But every little thing with MJ can be a competitive thing from, you know, we're both avid golfers. He's a much better golfer than I am, but I'm pretty decent. So he gave me my strokes. It just so happens that I was on fire that day. Yeah, we were in the Bahamas and we were playing and I beat him because of the strokes that he gave me. And he threw the money that he he owed me at me. What? He just threw it at me and said, you're never getting strokes again. From here on out, we're playing straight up. He's like a four. I'm a 14. So he had to give me 10 strokes and I beat him by about four or five. I was on fire that day. But since that moment, he never he never plays me.

That's unbelievable because I know that, you know, okay, basketball is that competitive. Maybe golf is that competitive. The sense I get is that if you guys were playing the game operation, you know, where you have the tweezers and you have to reach in and pull out the thigh bone and Michael was playing and the red nodes went that he would smash the board. Not far from the truth. Not far from the truth. Another Bahama story years ago, this is when we became friends. It was the opening of the Cove at Atlantis. We were all there and I travel with Domino's and I had no idea that MJ was going to be there. So I brought my cast iron, red, aluminum, jump man, Domino's it has the Jordan jump

man on it. And I was like, Hey, MJ, I would love to play you. I would love to play some bones with you, man. You know, I said, I have my I said, I have a pair of jump man bones with me. He said, How did you get those? I was like, Don't worry about how I got them. I got them because I consider myself to be the MJ of Domino's. And I'd like to play you. And he turned to my wife and he said, sweetheart, I suggest you go to the bank and take out as much money as you can. Because after I whip his ass, he will not be able to provide for you and your children. Oh my God. I was there and I was just like, I just wanted a friendly game of bones with my basketball hero. And my wife turns to him and says, Well,

Michael, I will not let him play you for money. But this is what him and his mama do. And he looked at her and said, Oh, really? Meet me at the cabana at 12 o'clock tomorrow. We're laying out laying out by the pool. My wife comes to me. She says, babe, she's really excited. She says, babe, MJ just got to the cabana. You ready? I was like, Yeah. So I run upstairs. I grab the Domino's as I'm leaving. I said, babe, grab the camera. She gets the camera. We come down because I want to document this. It's MJ, a moderate shot myself and somebody else he brought to play Domino's with us. I'm just having this regular game with him. I'm not talking trash. I'm just excited to be in the awe of this man. Yeah. Yeah, this is historic. Yeah.

MJ is talking cash shit, Conan. He's talking. He's talking about my mama. He's talking. He's talking cash trash. And I have to sit there and just take it. He's like, he's like, I saw her in raising in the sun about 25 years ago. She was, she was shit. She couldn't do it. So she was blown off the stage. So Conan, we're playing to 150. MJ has 125. I have 45. The guy he brought to the table to play with us has 75. I get Domino and Jordan is playing after me. So I turned to Jordan and I was like, MJ, this is going to be the hardest 25 points you've ever had to score in your life. Let's go. Now the gloves are off. I was like, you know, I'm no longer in awe of this man. I was like, he's been up here talking about my mama. I'm like, fuck him. Okay, this is how it's

going down. Conan, I commenced to whip his ass. Yes. Conan, he doesn't score another point. I'm talking so much trash that before I Domino, I say, oh my God, I said, MJ, I wish me and my wife could go upstairs and make another baby right now because we would name him or her MJ just so we could relive this moment right now. And my baby would got older and say, Daddy, why did you name me MJ? And I could relive the moment that I just whooped your ass. So what does he do? He plays another game. I whip his ass again. Oh my God. Conan, we are on an island together for the next three days. He can't go anywhere. He can't go anywhere. I can't go anywhere. He refuses to talk to me for the next three days. But whenever we're taking a group

photo or picture, he asks, no, I'm take that back. He doesn't ask. He tells me to get out of the picture. Nobody would know who I was anyway. So that's how he treated me for the next day. And that's how that's how our friendship started. And that's that's my buddy. And he loves my mother will do anything for my mother. That's great. That's great. I love first of all, that is one of my favorite stories I've heard we've done, I don't know, 100 plus of these podcasts. That's one of my favorite stories. And it's also so much about partially what it takes to be great. Because obviously you see he this man had great he has great athletic talents. Yes. But that was not the key. A lot of people do. He just found a way to make whatever it was, who can eat the most

pistachios in 20 minutes, decide to make that a live or die situation. And that is, you know, that is exactly what he did. Hey, Conan, Dion co just FaceTime me. Can we FaceTime him? Yeah. All right, hold on. All right. He might be butt dialing you. There he is. It's Conan O'Brien. Dion. Dion, where are you? I'm driving on four or five. He's driving and FaceTiming. Wait, are you driving yourself and FaceTiming at the same time, Dion? Dion, no one can see us because this is a podcast, but you are wrapped up like you're driving through the Arctic Circle. Why the fuck are you wrapped up in 15 layers of parka and shearling? What's going on? I know, but you're in Los Angeles

right now. So I know that you're from Chicago, but it's 74 degrees out. Dion, this is crazy because we were just talking about you. I'm serious. We just had a whole Dion cold love fest. So and then suddenly you're calling Anthony and you look like you look like you just are going to plant a flag right now in the North Pole. You look. You all are my two favorite guys, man. You know, I love you. I love both families and both of you all made me very rich. Thank you. Well, that's why we want to talk to you, Dion. We both think we should get a cut. Yeah, we should. I can't hear you. Sorry. I want my money. I want my fucking money. He hung up on us, Conan. Of course he hung up on us because we asked for our cut. We asked for

our cut. That's hilarious. He is texting and driving. He's wearing sunglasses and you gotta picture this. Ladies and gentlemen, listening, he is, Dion Cole looked honestly like he was on the back of a dog sled in a blizzard. And he's inside his car in Los Angeles. He looks like he was about to plant the first flag in the North Pole. Yes. What's he doing? What's he doing? Oh my God. Let me let me ask you something because this has been goddamn. It is so much fun talking to you. And this has been an absolute delight. I just want to ask you, you've accomplished so much. What do you have your eye on? Or is there anything you can talk about that's the next level for you? Or is there a next level for you? There's always a next level. I'm not sure

of I want to do more directing. I want to create I want to continue to create content and give opportunities for other people to tell their stories. But Kenya Barris just secured the rights, the life rights to Wally Amos, famous Amos, the cookie maker. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he wants me to be famous Amos. Oh my God. I'm sure. And I don't know much about that story. But what I know is pretty spectacular. Yeah. Yeah. No, famous Amos basically created the gourmet cookie world in which we live in today. But before famous Amos cookies before that there were no gourmet cookies. And this is what he started. This was the empire that he started. And he started three and lost three empires in the cookie world and now is reinventing himself all over again. And I think

it's a great story to tell. And as I say, Kenya Barris has the rights to it. And we were just talking about this last night, man. So looking forward to possibly doing that and playing Donnie Hathaway went before it's all said and done. It's always occurred to me every now and then I know there's way too many talk shows. Or we have a lot of them in this country. And probably some of us should shut up and go away, myself included. But you are one of those people who I've always thought you're so built for that format. I know it's time consuming and everything. But you're such a vibrant personality and you're so curious. And you're such a great, just natural conversationalist. I've always thought that's a guy who could easily I know you're probably too busy for it. But if

you wanted your own show that was syndicated or a network or whatever, you just seem like a natural for that format. No, I've thought about that. I've thought about that for years. And I would love to do that. So that that's also part of the plan. Not sure when we would carve out the time and make the time for that. But that's that's definitely part of the plan. I'm on your podcast right now and didn't even dawn on me. I'm starting my own podcast with my mother. Oh, you're kidding. No, you got to have me on you got to have me on that. I would go on that in a second. I will man. We're logistics of it right now, man. But you know, a mother son podcast team is just what it is. And that's a great idea. And that's a great idea. I will be picking your brain about the best way

to do it and how to accomplish that. I don't think you need I honestly, I mean, you're welcome to you're welcome to pick my brain, but I don't think you need to know anything from me. You just be yourself and your mom, Doris is Doris, you are you and you got a microphone and you're golden. And that's I swear to God, that's all you need. And then occasionally mention a mattress company or something like that. Yeah, yeah, mostly ads I do, I don't even have permission to do ads for them. I just start making up a product and they don't even get paid. It's get paid. I guess that's the point I'm trying to make. Don't do it my way. You know what, Anthony? I just I adored this conversation. I love talking to you and proud to know you, just really proud to know you and

you know, just happy to have you in my life. Oh, thank you, brother. That means a lot to me. And the next time there's a bro mitzvah that you hear about. Yeah, I want to be there. I got you. I think I got you. Yeah, I want to be at the next bro mitzvah. Say less. Say less, Conan. It's probably what America's been telling you for years now, but I mean that in the best way possible. Now, trust me, that's all I get is say less. And most people mean it exactly how you would think they would mean it. All right, Anthony, God bless. So happy for all your success and my best to your mom and tell her I really want one of those eight by tens with a forged signature. You got it. You got it. I want one. I want one.

On the Reddit message boards, people are talking about how they'd love to hear you do a history podcast, Conan. We might have mixed feelings about that and you just kind of moonlighting with another podcast. But other than that, is that something you'd be interested in? Well, first of all, I'd like to point out that they didn't say in addition to, it could mean they want this one to end. Oh, no. And they want something with a little more fiber in it, you know, a little more protein. I always go to the negative right away when someone says, hey, you know what you'd be really good at? I think you mean, you don't like the thing I'm doing now? No. That's an interesting concept. I am a history buff that's probably

come across during our ramblings on the podcast the last couple of years. I also am a consumer of history podcast. I've said this before, but I absolutely love Dan Carlin's hardcore history. But the other one I've been listening to recently is, you know, I just took a long car trip and we started listening to this podcast that's by a guy named Mike Duncan, and it's called Revolutions. This guy is thorough. And I think the point I'm trying to make is when people say, hey, Conan, you should do a history podcast. I've listened to real people that should be doing history podcasts like Dan Carlin and Mike Duncan. And man, Mike Duncan, he did one on the French Revolution and I'm listening to it. I've listened to 10 episodes and they're like 40 minutes each.

He hasn't even gotten to the revolution yet. That's the title of the show. But he really takes his time and it's brilliant. I give it up for Mike Duncan. I am not dissing him in any way. He's a brilliant guy, but man, very intelligent. And he really knows his stuff. And I think that's where I get intimidated. That's where I think I know some stuff about history and I can maybe shuck and jive and bounce around. But it's not going to be credible. What era would you start with? Man, that's a really good question. Let's have a little taste. Well, first of all, before we say what era would I start with, what about this? Look at my team. I've got Sona who doesn't know about anything that happened

and before in sync formed. And then I've got Gorley. Now, I know you know some stuff, but you kind of know some stuff. This is my team. So keep in mind, whatever podcast we do, it's going to be the three of us doing a history podcast. And we're going to say, hey, Conan O'Brien here today. And we are talking about the Russian revolution. Oh no. Quite an incredible revolution. I'm here with my team of history experts, Sonam of Session. Oh, God. Sona, you know about the Russian revolution, right? They had a revolution in Russia recently. Yes. Well, you know, it's all relative. But, yes, it sort of broke out during World War One. Many people say it was a

tottering regime and World War One was going so badly that it pushed it over the edge. But, yeah, you know, 1917, I think is 1918 around then. Those are Russian revolution years. I stopped paying attention right after you said World War One. I'm so sorry. Did you say it was tottering? I heard they were tottering. Yes. Yes. Okay. See, this is how it would go. Now, Gorley, you would jump in every now and then, right? You know your stuff. That's the one where there are all a bunch of wooden dolls that lived inside each other. Exactly. Now we're talking. What happened was in Russia in the early 20th century, basically everyone was forced to live inside of someone else. And they were all made of wood.

And so this became, now, that's how it was for hundreds and hundreds of years. But then as you get into the 20th century and technology is improving, the little doll, the smallest doll at the very center, doesn't want to live inside hundreds of thousands of other dolls. And those other dolls don't want to live inside. And so the dolls start to rebel and suddenly they burst open and all the Babushka dolls come out and they're fighting with each other. Okay. Yeah. I'm loving this podcast. I think this is a green light. I want to know when the Russian mail order bride system started. I'm more interested in that than this like revolution you're talking about. Well, at the time, Sona, they used telegraphs. And so what would happen was that they would post a

picture of a Babushka lady made of wood and someone in the United States would see it in their local newspaper and they'd send a telegraph and say, I like that Babushka, that one right there. Send her to me. I live on Delancey Street in Sioux Falls. I'm enclosing $4.15. Send the Babushka doll to me and I will have sex with it. Oh my God. Top of the charts. Apple podcast. Three months running. Yeah. You know, the promise of the podcast would be you'll know less than you did before. This podcast will actively make you stupid. So then of course, Rasputin enters the scene. Oh, he had a big dick. That's what I know about Rasputin. Jesus. Didn't he? That's the thing that I know. That's the kind

of history I think people are interested in is that he has very large penis. Well, that's never been confirmed, but it was a, that was a rumor about Rasputin who was said to Rasputin, of course, the mad monk who had the ear of the Tsarina and many people believe helped alienate her even further from the Russian people and helped foment the revolution. Many people thought that that Rasputin had to go and in fact, he was assassinated. But I digress. Anyway, yes. Yes. Probably big cock. Yeah. Big cock. Wow. That's right up there with Catherine the Great having a bunch of sex with horses. Have you heard that? No. Yeah, but that's not true. That just didn't happen. Well, I'm sure it's not true. How do you know it's not true? You just hear about it. Well,

I've talked to Catherine the Great. I've talked to the horses. Catherine the Great died long ago, but horses keep very good records. And so I've read many of a, I've read, I've read many horse diary from the period and they all say no, didn't happen. And we take offense. That sounds like a bunch of bitter horses that weren't selected for the big night. Yeah, that could kill you. Yeah. Having sex with a horse. How could it not kill you? I know. You know what? Here's the thing. It's clear. It's clear what our history podcast would be. And if Dan Carlin's listening or Mike Duncan, my apologies, or to anyone in the true history community, but this is what my history podcast would be like, I would start by saying, of course, Harry S. Truman was faced with a very

difficult decision. Does he fire MacArthur because he has gone north of the parallel line in Korea and incurred the wrath of the Chinese government? Or does he, and then Sona would cut in and go, did MacArthur have a big dick? And I'd go, what? And then the next thing you know would be off and running. It would be me trying the best I could. Yeah. I think that's pretty good. And I say to Dan Carlin and Mike Duncan, step it up a little. Yeah. Do we need all that information? And also you can't talk about Rasputin without talking about his penis because that's what everybody knows about him. Or that song. You remember that song? Ra, ra, Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen, there was a cat who really was gone.

Is that the lyric? Yes. Well, there you have it, our take on the Russian Revolution. You're now ready if you've been listening and you are 17 years old, you're ready to take the AP exam in Russian history and probably qualify for college credit. Just remember the words to the Rasputin song that he had a big dick that everyone in Russia had to live inside someone else and they were all made of wood and pretty much all set for the test. Well, that's this week's episode of big dick history. We covered the Russian Revolution, Babushka dolls living inside each other, Rasputin, the old tripod as they called him. Next week, Milton Burrell and the Rise of Audeville. Next week, Milton Burrell, the Rise of Audeville. And then we'll be talking about a scandal involving

Bess Truman. And boy, you don't want to miss that one. Class dismissed. Class dismissed. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

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