Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Aubrey Plaza

Episode Date: August 15, 2022

Actress, comedian, and producer Aubrey Plaza feels totally fine about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Aubrey sits down with Conan to discuss playing basketball in disguise, getting cast in her breakout role as April Ludgate on Parks and Recreation, and her new movie Emily the Criminal. Later, Sona’s assistant David Hopping tells the tale of how he came to work under Conan. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hello, can I say hello instead of hi? Hello, my name is Aubrey Plaza, and I feel totally fine about being Conan Bryant's friend. Oh, for God's sake. Sorry, that was the first thing that came out. It's honest. Yeah, if nothing else, it's honest. She's within her rights. It's not like I'm a needy person who needs you.

I don't trust it. That's my problem. Oh. You don't trust it at all? Not around these parts. The American West. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. We have a terrific show today.

Very excited about it. I think my voice is getting better for podcasting. You do start out every episode with a very broadcaster voice, and then forget about it about 30 seconds. It's funny. Probably my most self-conscious moment is when I say, hey everybody and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And then I just become myself, but at the very beginning I'm thinking, well, it's time to

start this podcast, and I get a little of this kind of voice going. It isn't horrible though. It's kind of sultry. Maybe I should have this more often. This is more mellifluous, because then literally 10 minutes in, I'm like, and I'm wondering because I forget myself, and so maybe you should have a signal when I should speak like a man again. Okay.

You can see that. A little signal when it's in a while. We'll have a little light on the wall with a beard on it. That's great. That's terrific. Yeah. Let's just pull it back in like this and go, all right, it's time for some smooth jazz. Oh, yeah.

Well, no, it's not. Huh? What are you doing? I'm getting turned on. Okay. What can I say? I love my boss. Hey, I want to talk about something that really happened.

I always believe in pulling the curtain back, letting the listener know what's really going on here. We're people. I know you think of us as gods, but we're people. Okay. And today we had a very nice surprise. Your wife brought your relatively new daughter to work. You're talking about King Seismore the Chubb-Lord?

What? My daughter? You set your nickname for her? Uh-huh. You always have these strange nicknames that are, you know, it's not like, oh, hi, winky deer or herds of little poo bear. Your nicknames go on for like 15 minutes. Yeah.

Can I hear some of them? Well, there's Bill Squishman, founder Squishman Enterprises, co-founder Segal Squishman Dynamics, Quality Through Cuteness. Nice. The Golden State Pooper. By the time you get done saying the first one, she's like out the gate and down the road. She doesn't. Where'd she go?

She took off a half an hour ago when I started her nickname. All right. Let's hear another one. The Peepee Queen of Pasadena, King Seismore the Chubb-Lord. Wow. King Seismore the Chubb-Lord. Okay. Very good.

Mrs. Queeks, Cheeks for Weeks, Captain Howdy, Lip Soap Howdy, Glen Amy, Glen the Friend. I have a list. Let me see. I'm reading from a list right there. Yeah. Those are just off the top of my head. Master Blaster, that's when she's breastfeeding. When she's breastfeeding.

And is this from the Beyond Thunderdome Master Blaster? Yes. Yes. Is the idea that she's the little creature that is controlling your wife? Yeah. Okay. He, by the way, lived in an apartment in my hometown. What, the actor who played him?

Yeah. Who played Master Blaster? Who played Master of Master Blaster? Because it was a little person on top of a big person. Yeah. So I remember Master Blaster quite well. Yeah. He lived in your building?

No. He lived in an apartment building in Whittier where I grew up. Okay. By the way, useful digression. One of your better, one of your better, Kaiju. And Pazuzu's pedals, Mayday, Dimpleton Drulbeard, and I think that's, that's about it for now. Okay. Is there a way I could get her a therapist now?

Is there a way that, because she's going to need a therapy because you're an insufferable man? I'm sure yes. You're around going, oh, it's, it's Glendor Glendogugugugali. Here comes little Miss Molly. She's Jolly, Bolly, Golly, Wally. Right that down. Bolly, Bolly, Stolly.

Write that down. No, I, you seem so happy, you know, we walked in today to our podcast studio and you got this beautiful girl. And you seem happy. You seem legitimately happy. You know, it never been happy. It enrages me. Yeah.

Like, how do I see? I had a kid just to be this happy so I could enrage you. Yes. Well, it worked. Yeah. It worked. That's fantastic. No, it's fantastic.

And, and by the way, they'll come a day later on when your children are older because my children are older. They're in their late 40s where they'll come by and they won't be that interested in coming and seeing you at work. I remember when my kids would come and visit me as little, you know, I'd bring my daughter to work when I was at Rockefeller Center doing the late night show and I remember just her looking at all the cameras and thinking, this is so amazing and now it would just all get an eye roll.

Really? Yeah. Everything I do. That's going to break my heart. When your daughter finds what you do is boring. Yeah. Yeah. That's what, that's what happens though.

I know. I just, I don't care. She finds what I do boring, but just that she's not interested to spend time together. I'm already... Oh, that's going to happen very soon, Matt. Much earlier for you than most parents. What do you mean? Are you kidding?

No, because you're going to... We're fast friends. We're buddies. We're chums. No. No, you're not. You're going to say, oh, look at these really cool. Look at these really great porcelain mugs at the Rose Bowl Swap meet.

They were built and made in the 50s and they look at the ridge right here on the handle. Isn't that cool? That's a, you know, Russell Wright made these and made a talk of, you know, and you'll just go on and on about this board game that you found that's really cool and it's got Eisenhower in it and you've got another year with your daughter where she's really enjoying her time with you. I think you just... The minute she can decipher these ridiculous nicknames, you're over.

Well, they're indecipherable, so we're good. Okay. Yeah. It's... I just, I encourage you. I encourage you to start planning now for the time, the dead time. It's tough. It's tough.

And the thing is, it's healthy. You want them... Oh, yeah. You want them to individuate. That's the word my wife keeps saying. I won't force any of this stuff on her. You know how I got my children to individuate from me? How?

I'm awful. It's a little method I came up with called being awful. I'm taking notes. I'm learning a lot. They're very happy to leave the nest when Papa is an awful, awful man. All right. My guest today played April Ludgate on Parks and Recreation and has starred in such films as Ingrid Goes West and Happiest Season.

Now, you can see her in the new movie, Emily, The Criminal. Aubrey Plaza, welcome. Jesus Christ. Wow. That was clearing my throat. Okay. Aubrey, it's so nice to see you. You know I adore you.

I'm very happy to have you here. Okay. Okay. Great. Thank you. Me too. Me too. We'll be back with Big Bowl of Awkward after these messages.

Fuck. No, Aubrey. I love having you here. I'm so glad that you're, first of all, you're back in the States. You were just telling us you were in Italy for a long time, shooting for White Lotus, and now you're back, and man, this is already, I think we've had a real connection. Yeah. Yeah.

A few words spoken, big connection. Huge connection. Oh, so you're on this too? No. No, no, no. Yeah. Yeah, that's Matt Gorley. And I don't, this is the first time I've heard him speak.

First day here. Okay. Yeah. Not supposed to be here. Yeah, actually, not a technician. You said you were, but you've never had any experience. No, it's not even my name, Matt Gorley. You're a great improviser.

No, no, no. I'm Shaz Ripley. Get off me. Get on yourself. Yeah. Aubrey, we've known each other a long time. Yeah. Of course, you were on my show many times.

A terrific guest. My favorite show. Well, that's very nice. We'll put that on a loop. My favorite show. My favorite show. My favorite show. You were on my show many, many times.

A terrific guest. Always yourself. Very unique energy. And I love that because I was always on the hunt for people that would come on the show and create something real in the moment. And you always did that, which made me very happy. Well, I attribute that to you, Conan. So do I.

Yeah. Yeah. I do too. You're not dead in the eyes. I mean, most of the time. Yeah. These are contacts. I bought contacts that have actual simulated life in them.

But you know, there's so much to talk about. First of all, I'm obsessed with this. I am 100% Irish. 100% Irish. I'm 100% Irish. And it's a terrible, terrible thing. No. Oh, trust me.

It's not good. Okay. You are, is this correct? You are half Irish, half Puerto Rican. See. Yeah. Well, my mom is Irish. I mean, she's a couple other things too, but she's mostly Irish.

But what happens is I always envy people who are some mix of ethnicities because I think that's healthier. You have different parts of you adding to the mix, whereas I just have inbred insanity in my head. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Is it, do you grow up super Catholic? Yeah.

Because not, I am Irish, but then also my mother, I mean, my mother has a crazy story. She has one of nine children and she was adopted or foster care adopted by this Irish Catholic couple who became my grandparents and they are super Irish, like you, Irish, Irish, Irish. And I was kind of raised by them also with my parents. And so I was throwing them with their kids. So yeah, we were, yeah, we were super Catholic. I went to Catholic school my whole life. Oh, really?

All girls, Catholic school. So the nuns, the whole thing? Oh, yeah. The nuns. And because I was kind of with the Raleigh family, we were Irish dancing. I think I talked about this on your show. Yeah, you did Irish step dancing. I had to be at an Irish step dancing as a child, which is...

I never went that far. I was once, I was once, I had to go to religious instruction once a week and it was these nuns and they wore the big nun outfits and they lived, they were up on a high hill in this practically, it was like a big stone tower, it was called the Seneca Hall, yeah. And we were sent there for Catholic instruction once a week. And when I was really little, they sent me there, I mean, I was old enough to know better, but they were telling me about how much the Romans hated Jesus because of what he was preaching and they were saying he was super unpopular, he was super unpopular.

And I put my hand up and I said, so the Romans must have been really mad at him. And they were like, oh yeah, they were really mad at him and I said, did they ever try to kill him? And they were like, what the fuck? I mean, they just didn't say that, but they were like, that's the whole point of the religion. And they like pointed up to the crucifix and I'm like, right, right, that wasn't a suicide. I was so, I was a kid, but I was so horrified. They didn't let me live that down for a long time.

But as you can see, it didn't stick. Here I am. Yeah, you're totally good. No. I got that out of my system. Yeah, I'm totally good. Yeah. Nothing wrong with me.

Nope. So you grow up and were you interested in show business when you were a kid? Did you know I got show business in my blood? I, yeah, I think so. I mean, pretty much. I mean, I think I was like, I mean, I did have show business in my blood on the Puerto Rican side of my family. My great grandparents were flamenco dancers and they were, I mean, they were like, you

know, a long time ago, but I was never connected to Hollywood or anything like that. But I think so. I don't know. I was a really quiet kid up until I went to like, yeah, until I discovered community theater, I was kind of like shy. Really? Yeah, like as a younger child, I was like kind of quiet and shy. If I had talked to you when you were like eight, would you have, and I wouldn't have

been allowed to talk to you when you were eight, but would you have said, yeah, I'm interested in doing anything involving performing for people or would that have been the furthest thing from your mind? I probably would have been like, come with me in the woods. I found a skull and I know is of a baby. I was into things like make believe. That's great. I found a skull.

I'd be like, follow me into the woods. Are you sure that was make believe? Did you find a skull? Oh no. Maybe you want to tell us about it. I think we have to build a fort into a ritual because I know it's a baby skull. I love to play in the woods as an eight-year-old. Come with me in the woods.

Wow. That's a terrible camp counselor. Well, kids, we're your new camp counselor for today. The new CIT, Aubrey is going to come with me all to the woods. I found a skull of a baby. There must be a ritual. That'd be fantastic. I was at a very delusional child, but I never thought like, oh, I could actually do that,

but I was definitely obsessed with movies. I mean, I was like, the minute I had my hands on a video camera in the 90s, I was just making movies all the time. Right. Which movies did you like when you were young? I was never exposed to great films until I was a teenager and I started working in the video shop. Yep.

Remember those? Yep. I grew up on blockbuster movies, Spielberg movies, all the big ones, Ghostbusters, but a lot of romantic comedies. You liked a rom-com. I liked weird movies, too. I'll never forget when I saw For the Boys, starring Beth Medler, that movie where she goes on the-

Is James Cohn in that, too? Yeah, isn't it? Like a USO tour or something? Yes. And I saw The Way Too Young. I saw like weird movies at too young an age. Yeah, that's not a movie for- I know.

I mean, not that it's a racing movie, but it's just not a movie for kids. Like a nine-year-old. I was like, yeah, that's art. James Cohn, Beth Medler, USO shows. I swear to God. That's a movie. Also, you know, it had a really big impact on me as designing women. So I discovered that show in the basement of my foster grandparent's house, and I was

not allowed to watch that show as a young child. Really? Oh, yeah, I learned a lot from that show. But how to design stuff. Julia Sugarbaker, Delta Burke, Annie Potts, Ian's Park. I don't remember- Best cast? What would you have learned from that show, except in your-

Sex stuff! Yeah. Oh, they did a lot of- I didn't know that was a sexy show. Are you kidding? All they did was date and talk about having sex, and then, I don't know. But probably with real sly innuendo that wasn't that harsh. Well, they were just like real sassy southern women.

So it was always, you know, they're always screaming about sex. They never seem to be doing any work. Oh. They're always- And that's the common theme in most shows that are about a workplace. No one's working. Right. I mean, if you watch, you know, Murphy Brown, they're always sitting around at a tiny table.

There's supposed to be three of the most pop, three or four of the most powerful journalists in the world. There's basically supposed to be 60 minutes. Yeah. And it's supposed to be Mike Wallace and, you know, all these powerful people. But they're sitting in a tiny little table that shows them in a multi-camera setting, and they're poking at little salads and being goofballs, and nothing's getting done. I want to do a workplace comedy where people just seriously, quietly work the whole time.

Yeah. And there's no banter. Cheers was the closest because they'd at least be delivering drinks and things like that. Not much. Okay. Well, then I'm wrong. Yeah. Once again.

Parks and Rec, you know, we worked a lot on that show. You did. Well, you did. But that was very focused on the tasks that we were doing. The comedy came out of the, not to make it about, but that me, this isn't about me. No. It's just a podcast starring you today. Okay.

So it is about you. Yeah, on Parks and Rec, I always did get the feeling that you were doing real work. Well, because, yeah, because it was like, that was what was funny, is the weird shit that we were doing at work. Now, before you did Parks and Rec, like many people who've risen to great fame in the business, you were an NBC page. That's right. You weren't, right?

I was not an NBC page, no. Okay. But Regis Philbin, Philbin? That's his name now. Sorry, Philbin. Regis Phil, a name that will live in history, Regis Philbinin. Philbin. Regis Philbin was an NBC page, I believe.

And you were an NBC page. I think when I was doing late night, you were an NBC page. Yeah, you were. You were. And you know what? Because you, because, okay, the way I got my SAG card, I don't know if you know the story, but I think I either was a page or I had just like left the program, but I kept my uniform, which you're not supposed to do.

And I convinced the, what the fuck was his name, the guy that shot the pilot for 30 Rock, he directed a lot of the 30 Rock episodes. But he, that they needed a page to do a tour of your studio, because they were shooting on the floor of your studio or something. And I knew the, yeah, I knew the speech about your studio. I was like, and welcome to the thing of Conan O'Brien. And I would make up stuff, but I don't remember what I said, but because I knew the spiel, I was like, I just let me do it.

I was like, I can do it. And then he threw me in on camera and I did it. And because I had a line, you know, the SAG union rules, they had to give you a card. Got ready for that union. You know, here's, okay, this fascinates me because there were pages that worked at 30 Rock, obviously in real life, and they would do tours of my studio. And I remembered accidentally listening once to one of the tours and everything they were saying was not true.

And this page, this one page that I was listening to, this is not you, was saying that the stars in the back painted on the wall reflect are there because Conan has long been a huge fan of astronomy. And I was like brushing my teeth in the hall and I heard this and I went, what are they talking about? Okay. No, it's late night. The stars late at night.

That's all it is. And people in the crew were going, hmm. And this person wasn't doing a bit or anything. That's just was a piece of misinformation, like a game of telephone that had been passed on over nine different page generations. So when it talks about this in her book that she, when she was a page and gave to her, she was just lying about stuff. Okay.

But there was a game that the pages and this is like, whatever, I don't know if they still do this, but there was a game that all the pages would play where you would, you would go, okay, I'm going to give you three words for your next tour. And you have to incorporate these words into your speech at some point and it has to be believable. And the words were always insane. I mean, maybe it was, you know, it was like penguin or whatever. And then you'd be like, and this studio is cold because 10 years ago they had penguins

on the show and they had to, you know, raise the temperature and then they just, they never changed it or whatever. And that's real. You did tell a tour groups that I did say something about penguins. Yeah. So the studio was cold and the reason it was kept cold is because of all the lights and the ceiling. Right.

Once you get an audience and you turn the lights on, temperature goes up like 15 degrees. So you have to keep it artificially cold so that it's comfortable once the show is going. Yeah, but also so people don't fall asleep. Not that they would. Not that they would. Oh my God. They lied to you about that.

They lied to me about the light temperature. No, not that they would. No, but it's not like that. That was just, that's also why they electrified the seat. I was just going to say the seat. Three, three C is falling asleep. No. No, no.

I mean, right. No one could. If I were performing. No one could. You gotta keep him awake. You gotta keep him awake. Well, that was what I always heard about Letterman is that he liked the studio cold because it kept the audience on their toes.

Yeah. I didn't want it to be warm, but I didn't necessarily want it to be cold. It's just, I know, good guy. It's very cold in here right now. It is freezing in here, but that's for a whole different reason. We store government surplus meat in the back. That's how we pay for it. Yeah.

That's how we pay for everything. That's a side business of ours. This is like one of the most terrifying rooms I've ever been in. What are you talking about? That's just weird, dude. Like. Oh, just because there are pictures of me all over the place with no shirt on. There's so many cameras.

This is an audio thing. You were in the forest with child skulls. I know. I love anyone who was like, come to the forest. You, I have a skull of a child. Wow. This podcast video is creepy. What a creepy play.

It's weird. It's weird. It's not enough skulls. I don't know. It is not weird. It's a beautiful deep blue. A lot of gadgets and stuff. Whatever.

So, whatever. Whatever you got to do, man. Whatever you want. I got to do this. So you lied on the tour and told people things about me that weren't true. Yeah. Do we have any interactions? I don't know if we did.

No. No. I was way too drunk to have the confidence to talk to anybody. I did. I noticed when I first was working at my job at late night, people, pages would scurry past me and seem kind of nervous and I remember talking to one once and they said, I was told not to make eye contact with you. Oh, yeah.

And I found out that that was a holdover from like the past, but I need eye contact a little too much. I love chatting people up. I'm constantly chatting up. You're doing it right now. I know. I'm sorry. It's not comfortable.

I love eye contact. No. Yeah. There were a lot of things like that. I think that that's what made that, at least at the time that I was in it, that's what made the page program kind of exciting because there were so many holdover, like weird, yeah, just like weird things like that you would have to do or know or and you felt kind of even if, yeah, even if it was weird like that, you felt like, well, like part of something.

You have to. Yeah. But also I've noticed that, I don't know if you've noticed this, but once you became a known person, sometimes there are people that say things on your behalf that you don't even agree with. Yeah. And you find out later, well, we were told before you came that there was to be no mention of donuts because, you know, and you're like, what, what are you talking about?

And it was someone, not playing a prank, but someone who was well-intentioned, who misunderstood something, telling you, telling people beforehand, and then you realize how much of this is going on around me where people are told, whatever you do, Gourley, were you told before you met me? Or were you told to engage in conversation about astronomy with you? That's why I gave you the job, because it's a fascination of mine. That's why I covered the studio with it. Clearly.

And we're in like a fucking spaceship right now. It's not a spaceship. A bunch of lasers pointed right at my dick. It's a blue. It's a blue? It was very charged and erotic. No, those are just cameras, and you're doing a lot of stretching while you're here. Let me describe.

Hold you. I've been in Italy for five months. Come on, Jeff. Yes. I feel like I'm in a fine space like Italy. I feel like I'm still on a goddamn plane in this room. Okay, the plane makes sense. Yeah, it does feel like it.

Why are you stretching so much? Because I've been in Italy for six months. I'm broken! They broke me. Did you have a good time in Italy? Come on. Yes, but we're not talking about that right now. Yes, we are.

Fuck no. Yeah. I still got a process. I got to go to therapy. No, yeah, I had a great time. How much therapy do you get? I don't know. How much do you want?

Yeah. A lot. It's good. I'm a big believer in it. Do you got a good one? We don't want to talk about it now. Do I have a good therapist? I do, actually.

Okay. I'll send you to my therapist. Promise? Yeah. Okay. It's three large men. Really? Yeah, just big fat guys.

I'm not allowed to go to men anymore. Oh, really? What happened? What went wrong? What did you do? I don't know, but I have to talk about that in the next session. Okay, good. Well, let's figure that out.

Are you really all... You can't go to a male therapist anymore. I do have to say I do like a woman therapist. I find that I'm more relaxed around a woman therapist. When it's a guy, I get kind of competitive with him, and I think, well, I think I figured out my issue faster than you. I'm not going to explain my psychology, but let's just say it's not a good idea. Not a good idea.

We won't go there. I don't know. Well, if you do need... I'll take whoever you got. Just give them to me now. I want that therapist. Now, maybe I'm the therapist right now. Maybe you are.

I am very good. I'm very empathetic. Shut up, Gourly. I'm very empathetic. All right. Well, here's how I feel. Okay. I feel like my boundaries have been pummeled.

Really? Yeah. That's terrible. And I'm not going to stand for it anymore. Well, you shouldn't, and that'll be $900. Okay. Great. Here's the sense I get of you, Aubrey.

I almost called you Audrey, but I'm going to call you Aubrey instead. Whatever. Whatever. It's your name. You can't say whatever and roll your eyes about your name. Names. Hello, Alice. Whatever.

Aubrey. What? I think that you're very good at defending your boundaries. You think? I do, because all you have to do is, I mean, you're intimidating persons. I'm not. You are. I'm not.

You are. I'm not. This is my, this is a, this is, no. Yes. You know what? I'm going to, I'm making a left turn. Didn't remember when you played basketball, didn't you do something on the court one time like you...

What? Convince someone to give me the ball? Yeah. What was it? It was like... I think... Did you threaten them or something? Yeah.

Why do people project this on me? First of all, how do you know these things, Matt? She was on the basketball team with my wife and then I had a podcast where we would call play by play of the basketball game, but I don't know anything about that. There's a documentary about it. I'm the villain in it. Oh, you're not the villain. I am too, dude.

Well, you're threatening. Can you do a little bit of backstory so we can understand this plot, Matt? Yes. So Aubrey and my wife, Amanda, and other women were on this women's league rec basketball team in LA. And it was just all these kind of... Writers, performers, and then other just basketball players that would play nights. It was great.

And then it became kind of a sensation and there's a documentary about this team that they were on called Pistol Shrimps. And then I think you jumped ship of that team to move to your boyfriend at the time. Yeah, I did. I traded myself live on ESPN. This is a fact, which by the way, nobody gave a shit, but Kenny Main, you know Kenny Main? He's my friend.

I've known him for years. I've convinced him, let me go on ESPN because it was right after the decision, the LeBron James. Yeah. Was it called the big decision? Yes. He made this very dramatic decision. I did my own decision.

No one gave a shit. I went on ESPN, traded myself to the Spice Girls. Yeah. Because... Is this why you were vilified? Yes. Oh, I see. Okay.

I traded myself to a different team. And here's why. Because I wanted to play basketball as a hobby. I didn't want it. I was trying to get away from work and bless the pistol shrimp's hearts. I love them all. I had a great time on the team, but I just wanted to do it to get my anger out, my frustration. I like to play sports.

And then I kept showing up to the thing and then all of a sudden they'd be like, all right, so we're doing practice and then we're doing a photo shoot for the cover of the LA Weekly. Oh, right. And I'd be like, a photo shoot? I'm trying to get away from the photo shoot. What are you talking about? We're just trying to play ball because it's all actors. You get a bunch of actors and writers and everyone together on a team, then everyone

starts to make it. And it was funny. When you guys started calling the games, that was funny. But then strangers started showing up to the game. They had signs with my name on it. I'm like, I have an audience now. Yeah, I get that. I'm just trying to play basketball.

This is getting you away from your escape. That's the problem. I was just trying to play ball, bro. Right. Just trying to play some... You're talking to me? I'm an old-time baller, bro. Just trying to shoot some hoops.

Hey, bra, I'm an old-time baller, so... It was funny, though. I like how it escalated, but I started having panic attacks because I would show up to the games and I would see a fucking audience like... I don't play. I'm like, these people are watching me play basketball. I got to perform for them now. And then there was a whole dance squad that grew up around it, and that became more political.

Anyway, and then the reason I traded myself is because I wanted to play with my sister. And there were rules on the league. Once the roster was set, you couldn't just randomly play on a random team and I wanted to play with my sister, so they wouldn't let me, so I then played on another team in disguise. I wore a wig. That's right. In a different jersey.

I wore a wig. I'm sorry. You cannot play basketball in a disguise. No, they didn't know I was in disguise. I've never heard of that. I've never heard of that before. No, no, they didn't know I was in disguise. It was a donkino.

I know. I'm sure they didn't know. But it's just so hilarious to me that you would glue on a mustache and say, I am Antonio, the basketball player. Okay. I wore a blonde wig with goggles. I gave them a fake ID, got on the court, literally first quarter, my ACL tour on the court. All eyes on me.

And I was trying to, you know, be in disguise. I was like, I don't want anyone, like, you know? Is it possible that you got injured because you were so committed to being this other person? It was karma. It was karma. I don't know. It was like, oh, you don't want anyone to see you in disguise?

Like, your knee's going to fucking snap right in half. Everyone's going to watch you. Everyone's going to watch you get carried out of here. I love the idea of someone switching to like a different league or a different team and, you know, playing in a disguise. I just think that's fantastic. And I don't understand that you could really try and pull that off. I did.

So what was it? You said there was a moment where Aubrey had to convince someone to give her the ball. No, what happened was, first of all, I didn't threaten anybody. It was very civil. We were down. Like, we were never winning the game. Like, we were done. It was like the last quarter and it was the point card of the other team.

And she was, and I was on her. I was defending her and I just, she kept, she knew who I was or something. And she was being a little sassy with me. She was like, yo, like, can I get a picture with you after the game? Like, in the game, she was like, and I was like, yeah, if you give me the ball right now, because she was coming down the court on her side and she was like, I don't give a shit. And then gave me the ball and then I just, and everyone, because nobody heard our conversation

so they didn't understand. Like, what the fuck did you say to her for the point card to just be like, all right here. And I just went back and did a layup and it didn't matter. We still lost. There's another idea I love, which is someone who plays on a basketball team who's maybe either extremely famous in another way, not basketball, or maybe just independently very wealthy.

So they're guarding someone and they, it's just understood that if you give that, if you give my character the ball, he'll give you $25,000 in cash. And then it pays up at the end. And then it's just constantly, yeah. And then at the end, he's like, okay, you get $75,000, you get $650,000. Now people are like, this is insane, but he scores like 55 points a game. I love scams like this. It's not a good scam.

Oh, sorry. That's a terrible scam. All right, so here's my question. You go from, you're this very creative, I was going to say strange and I shouldn't. That's a judgment. You are a very creative ethereal child hanging out in the woods, discovering skulls, building small ritualistic altars, performing God knows what kind of incantations. Then you go through life and somehow, and you're a page and you're a lying page saying

things that aren't true. And then somehow you get on this terrific TV show in a role that just was perfect for you. This great role is April in Parks and Rec. And so I'm just curious, how did that happen? How did you get that part? Okay, so it's a weird like series of little things that happened, but that specifically was because I didn't even know where, how to start, but basically I came out to LA because

I was like up for John Appetal's movie Funny People, which I got, but like he was trying to cast a completely unknown comedian. That's a whole different story, but where he wanted to cast a stand-up comedian and I wasn't doing stand-up, but I was doing improv and sketch comedy at UCB. But I like, I basically like pretended to be a stand-up to get that part or whatever. And then Allison Jones was casting that movie. And I didn't have an agent at the time, but I, because I made it up the ranks of the audition process for that, I, I flew out to LA for one week to do a chemistry read with Seth

Rogan. And then while I was in LA, Allison Jones was like, would you mind going on a couple other meetings and how do you feel about that? And I had no idea it was going on because I'm like, this is crazy. I was like, you know, I had nothing going on for me. Like in New York, I was like doing comedy stuff, but I was like, sure, like I'll go to whatever meeting you want, lady. I don't give a shit.

And, and then, so she like basically said, she was like, This is infuriating any actor out there. No, I know. Believe me, I know. There's so many starving actors out there. Like, I'm sorry, I'm Allison Jones, a top casting director. Would you go on a few big time reads? Hey lady, I don't know.

I got nothing to do. I don't give a shit. First of all, Fuck off. Fuck off. I was kidding. Yeah, I know. I know.

I know. Allison Jones changed my life. Okay. As I'm sure she's changed so many people's lives, but she, okay. Not mine. Not everyone, you know, went to whatever. You know what she did, but she went to the devil and signed a contract in 1993. You know what you did.

That's what I did. You know what you did. But I, yeah. So she was like, I'm going to send you on these couple of meetings or whatever. One of them is with the creators of the office and the office was on the air at the time. It was huge. So I was like, yeah, like I'll go to meet the office people and give a shit, lady. And then, and so, and so, but I was in LA for the first time.

So I was like, LA, like I was wearing jean shorts. Like I was like, I don't, I didn't realize the weight of that meeting. And then so I went to the set of the office. It was like somewhere in the fucking valley or I don't even know where I was, but all, and I, all I remember was like, I went into, I think it was Mike Sher's office. I kept seeing the actors from the office, like Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak and people like walking by and I'm like, oh my God, those are the people in the office. And he was like, that's because we're on the set of the office.

And I was like, this is crazy dude. And then he was, and then we were waiting for Greg Daniels and then Greg came in and again, they hadn't, I don't, they hadn't written the pilot at that point. They were just talking about the idea had Amy and they were talking about the ideas for the pilot or something. And then I don't even know what I did in that meeting. Mike Sher says like, she was the weirdest person I ever met. I wasn't being weird.

Okay. I don't even know what I was doing. And then Greg came in and then Greg, you know how weird Greg is, and then Greg and I like immediately just, I don't even, we literally started talking about the meaning of life. I don't even know what we were talking about. It was like we were high or something like he came in and he was like, what happens after you die?

I'm like, okay, this is what I've been saying. I don't know, dude. Like what do you think? And then we were, we were like, this is Greg's process, by the way. This is how he cast Steve Carell apparently was awful in his audition. Okay. But then had a really good theory for what lies at the end of the universe and Greg, that's what Greg wanted to know.

Okay. All I remember is like, I have an image of Greg like, I want to say he was like doing a Rubik's Cube that he wasn't, but I want to say he was like knitting something or I don't know. If it was Greg, he was probably knitting a Rubik's Cube. Okay. He was like knitting a Rubik's Cube. A functional Rubik's Cube.

He wasn't making a lot of eye contact. And I just remember he was like, I don't know. And I was looking at him and we were just, I was like, this guy is fucking really weird. And then we were talking, and then Mike was just watching it like, what am I watching here? And then, then he started telling me the idea for the show and he was like, Amy's going to have an assistant and maybe she's going to be like this. And then I was like, that's a stupid idea or something, not really, but I was basically

like, she should have an assistant that's like a college intern that's like really smart that is just doing it for credit and like hates everybody, but like is good at her job, but doesn't give a shit about it or something. I pitched him the character, basically. And then he was like, uh, okay. And then, and then I think, and then that was it. And then, and then I heard, I told Greg Daniels exactly what my character was. I did the show and he went, uh, okay.

Whatever. No, I don't know. I'm pretty sure that's what happened. And then I pitched him that. And then basically I found that was it. And then I left and I'm like, wow, that was weird. And then basically a couple of weeks later or something, they called me, they're like, you're, you're in this show.

And I think the original pilot that they wrote, the character's name was Aubrey. It was just Aubrey in the pilot. And then they, and then when NBC, I guess was going to sign off on me, they made me audition to play myself. Yeah. They were like, you got to audition now. I'm like, to play myself. Like, I hope I get the part like, um, and then, yeah, then I went in and did an audition

where I was, I don't even know what I did. And then they changed them to April and then that was it. And I'm like, great. I didn't even want to be on TV. I was trying to be in movies, bro. Let me just say one thing because it's just sometimes the universe, everything comes together in two nice way. Greg Daniels, who is, you know, running the office and with Mike Shuri is doing, uh, parks

and recreation, uh, he and I started out in the business together, uh, you know, just quick disclosure as writing partners and we've been friends forever and we text each other all the time. Greg is, I love him and he's brilliant and it's really super funny. Um, he's a little, his mind works differently. This is a text I got on my way this morning to Larchmont to come do this podcast, not knowing that Greg's name would even come up. I'm just going to, you know, talk to Aubrey.

I get this text out of the booth from Greg. I haven't heard from him in a couple of weeks and I just get this text. How you doing? I heard a weird dream. You hurt your left hand. Hope you're great. I never can. And I just picked up my phone and was like, okay, you brought up Greg.

I've got to. I don't know. That sounds sexual. I know. So I'll be, I'll be calling him later to find out exactly what happened in the street. You hurt your left hand jerking me off. What's up? It's me, Greg.

Remember us? Jesus. You're Daniels? In the dreams. We both, it's a dream. What the hell happened here? You've numbed your left hand to the stranger. Yeah.

What were you doing with your left hand? Greggy. Little Greggy. Yeah, exactly. He's us. Not a little Greggy. It's made of concrete that thing. It broke my hand.

Oh my God. You guys are sick. You're sick. You did this. You introduced that whole image and then circled around and accused me of being a perv. It's really you two weird Catholics at the end of the table. I know. I know.

I know. If it's wrong, it feels so good. Right, Conan? Well, that's interesting. That's fascinating. When you got this part and then you're off and running. I got that part. I got Funny People and I got Scott Pilgrim vs. the World directed by Edgar Wright in

one week. Oh my God. When does that happen? Man, I was in the right time, in the right place, in the right jean shorts. You know, I've just realized that when I auditioned for the late night show in 93, I was wearing very short jean shorts. Oh, really? I think that.

Remember when I first met you for this podcast? You were wearing super short jean shorts. Right. You got to show a little leg, baby. There's a little bit more than that. You got to show a little undershelf. I want to play in the big leagues. A little overhanging Tom Cruise climbs and Mission Impossible.

I learned that. Oh my God. I was lucky. I was a lucky little waitress from Queens. Nice. It all worked out. It all worked out. It all worked out.

And I'm still miserable. But you know how it is. You are not miserable. I'm kidding. Come on. You've never been more comfortable and happy and so fulfilled in your life. That's the kind of therapy I would do is that with a therapist. I'm going to go, I'm kind of worried.

You're not worried. Shut up. That's what I want. I just want some reassurance. I would do that. That's the kind of therapist I would be. I really do think I'd do a good job if I was your therapist. And I think you'd like coming to see me.

And as men go, I'm not that much of a man. I was going to say. I'm sort of more of a female therapist. You should wear those jean shorts. I would do it if we did it back to back. What do you mean? You turn around. I turn around.

Confession style. Yeah. I'd do that. There are certain similarities that we have. I think we are somewhat conflicted about our past. We have churning, burbling inner psyches. And we love to both play in the pool of awkward. Is this your pitch for being my therapist?

Yes. Okay. But oh, I think I'd be terrific. I really do think I could help you. Okay. Fine. You just say that about everything. I'd love to.

What I'm hearing is let's just start a session right now. Let's go. Let's do it. How are you, Aubrey? I don't know. I feel broken. Really? What makes you feel you're broken?

I don't know. It just something feels wrong. Like something feels wrong. But I just don't know what it is. Does it feel right? Okay. Well. On paper, everything seems good.

But I don't know. I'm sorry. I have a cannoli here. Do you mind if I eat it while you talk? I got it on the way in. And I know we're not supposed to eat. I'm literally triggered by cannolis right now. Okay.

But if I see another goddamn cannoli, I swear to God. Okay. I'll just eat it a little later. Do you mind if I have some you-hoo? I have a little you-hoo here. That's fine. Okay. That's fine.

All right. Anyway. That's fine. So why do you think you feel broken? Oh, I don't know. No, no, no. I don't know. I don't know.

Oh, man, that's good. Chocolatey. Oh, God. So I really think that. You just crossed your legs. It's the wide open stance. Sure. I'll cross them.

They're very weak. So I have to actually lift one and put it over the other. Let's see. There we go. God. God, these are short jeans shorts. God. So what do you think is making you up tight right now?

He said wearing his very short tight jeans shorts with cannoli flour all over his kneecaps and you-hoo on his lips. What do you think is bothering you? I don't know. Just good. I'm good. Aubrey, do you think you could get me an audition for something? I know that you're a big deal in the industry.

I'd just like to work in film. Is that possible? Is this crossing some kind of boundary? No, I'll do whatever you want. I deserve this. I deserve this. I'll just slide this head shot across to you. Thank you.

I'll spend all my time working on this. That's a quad split on the back. That's me as a nerd. Me as a cool guy. Me as a construction worker. And me as a guy who'll make it a pizza pie. I think that went really well. Me too.

Thank you so much. I helped you a lot. Yeah. I'm good. You're good now? Yeah, we're good. Wow. I fixed.

I fixed you. Let's talk about your film, Emily the Criminal. Is this a passion project of yours that you've been thinking about for a while? Yeah. Actually, you know what? It is. I read the script like four years ago, maybe. And it was just one of those things where someone was like, I think you'd really like this.

And it wasn't a real movie or anything. And I just read it and I was like, fuck, this is really good. It just took a long time to get it together. How long have you been working on it for? Because you produced it as well. I produced it? Well, like, yeah, like maybe four years ago was the first time I read it. And then I sat down with a writer, John Patton Ford.

And I was like, this is a really good character. This is a really good script. We should do this. Who should direct it? And he was like, I want to direct it. And I was like, no. That's so funny. It's the first time you've shown a real decisive answer.

All your other stories are, well, whatever. Okay, well, work is a different thing. I mean, work, I can be decisive. It's my personal life that's in shambles. You know, you know about that. No, I'm very decisive when it comes to that kind of stuff. So you said no, you're not directing it? No, no, I didn't say no.

But I was like, you know, you haven't done a feature before. This is like a thriller, you know. I was like, I don't want to make this little dinky Los Angeles $2 million movie. I want to make like a $5 million. I want to make, I want to do this right. And, you know, and I think I was just, yeah, I just, you know, I produced a couple of movies at this point. So I felt like, okay, I know how to do this, but I want to do it.

I really want to do it. But then this guy, man, everything he said, everything that came out of his mouth, I'm like, I feel the same way. This is the same. It's just everything he said. I'm like, you should direct it. Just direct it.

I don't know. I had a hunch about him where I was like, he's going to pull this off. And he totally did. And we, yeah, we just, it took a while to get the financing. And I didn't, we didn't get the kind of scenario that I wanted, but I believe everything works out how it should. And you got a great reaction at Sundance. Yeah.

People loved it. It's fun. It's a fun movie. It feels, it feels kind of like throwback, like a throwback movie. It kind of feels like a slightly erotic kind of thriller like 90s style. Like it's just, it moves really fast. It has this like momentum. And it's kind of relevant because it's about like a, you know,

like a young millennial person that's like working in the gay economy. That's drowning in student debt. And it's basically like, I'm fucked in this account. Like, what am I supposed to, how am I supposed to survive this? And then she just starts doing some sketchy stuff. And it feels, did I unplug this? Hello. You just pulled a giant wire out.

I think you're still okay. Okay. That's all right. And yeah, anyway, so it feels like, it feels like it kind of hit a nerve or something. Like I feel like people, which is, makes me happy. Cause I think movies really can change the world. I think they're everything. As I know, your character gets into some sketchy stuff.

She gets a taste of the life of illegal activity. She likes it. Likes it. Are you like this at all, ever commit a crime? And this is where my assistant would jump in because she has assorted criminal past and has been very open about it, but she shoplifted like crazy. No, I wasn't into that because of the wrath of God and all that. I was too scared of the wrath of God.

No, I didn't want to sin growing up. But I would say if I ever committed crimes, it was mostly vandalism. That was my thing. Um, yeah, but I will, and I did some identity theft, you know, but that runs in my family. I learned that at a young age. I did. Yeah. Going back to the 14th century.

Yeah. I am Antonio. No, you're not. Okay. I try. Well, I'll just say, you know, I learned a lot from my family. I'll just say that. But, um, but you know, what kind of vandalism would you do?

Um, well, you know, I grew up in Delaware and Wilmington, Delaware. Um, there were a lot of, it's a really interesting place to grow up because you're kind of, there's, there's this presence of the DuPont era of things always. And so there's always, like, I would never vandalize things that were, I think, like, you know, new or nice. It was always like going to the old, you know, DuPont experimental station or the mill factory, the abandoned mill, you know, mill or whatever, throwing bricks in the windows. And I used to grow, you know, I would, we would grow up around a lot of those, like,

new suburban developments, you know, where they were always building the new, like, cookie cutter houses or whatever. And I would go in, in there and I would write, I would take nails and I would write messages to the construction workers, like, you'll die, you know, in nails to make, to make it seem like a ghost. Well, are you lying them out or are you hammering them in? No, no, I would, I would just arrange them in letters, nails and letters. That's not vandalism per se, it's just threat.

That's just, like, threatening public safety. You get arrested for that? Trespassing. What about the guy who is, like, owes the mob money and then goes to work that day and says, well, it'll probably be okay and they'll never find me. And I'm hiding out as a construction worker in Delaware and then gets to work and it says, I written out in nails and then he just says, I'm just going to go into the woods and kill myself and then later on you find the skull and it all comes around.

Yes, that was what, that's what I wanted. That is literally what I wanted. You're a criminal mastermind. Yeah. You're a genius. Yeah, but no, shoplifting is for little bitches. Thank you. Thank you very much.

I wish Sona was here right now. We'll have to tell her. She adores you, by the way, she loves you and she will freak out that you pretty much called her whole life up until 31, the life of her little bitch. 31. She was really, she was shoplifting late into her life. Yeah, constantly. I don't know about that.

But I do, I support, you know, stealing from the man. The man. Yeah, fuck that. Me too. Yeah. Well, I think I am the man. Yeah. Yeah.

I just realized that. Yeah. My phone. Hey. Right? I hope it's not a dream. I hope it's not a picture. Greggy.

Oh, Greggy. Well, I'm very happy for you. You're, you know, I've always loved talking to you. You're a very authentic real person, which is not common in this business. You know that, right? You're a very authentic real person when you played basketball in a complete disguise. Yeah. Hey, that was survival.

You had to get by. Yeah. Are you playing any sports now? No. No. Pickleball. That's the whole new craze now. Yeah.

Pickleball. I love sports though. I'm going to go to the batting cages tomorrow. Oh. But that's for the MLB is doing like a show now where they ask you questions while you hit. Oh, that's a cool idea. Where you hit balls. But I'm just going because I want to hit some balls.

Yeah. And your answers will just be like whatever. Yeah. And then crack. Exactly. And have a home run. Yeah. I think it would be great to have a pitch machine, you know, a pitching cage, batting

cage in the yard. Wouldn't you just have access to that 24-7? I love hitting balls. If you're feeling frustrated or because it's just to go back there and occasionally hit one. Yeah. Every ninth time, accidentally make contact. I would love that.

Yeah. Me too. I love it as a gift. Okay. I will. We're doing this. Oh, okay. You're what?

Now I have to call your policies and say, look, I'm going to set up a batting cage for Aubrey. Where does she live? And then I have to look into what those cost. That's going to be very expensive. I think so. Hey, in the 90s, you know, people would get Ferraris as gifts. That's what I heard. Megan Mullally told me.

She got a Ferrari? Yeah. Wow. She'd do a podcast and get a sports car. Every time. All those 90s podcasts. Yeah. So much money to throw around.

Ridiculous. Yeah. They started kidding. But we do give away. When you leave, there is a little wicker tray out there. Yeah. And it's got a couple of snacks. Okay.

And yeah. Maybe there's some big league two in there so it gets close. No. There's nothing like that. It looks very granola crunchy, organic. Yeah. Yeah. I don't do this for the gifts.

I do it for the therapy. I could really help you. I really could. And you have? Aubrey, thank you so much for dropping by. I know. I mean a lot to you. We do.

We do. And I know this was a big deal for you. Look, if this is how we have to talk, we'll do it like this. Let's get real quiet now at the end. I think it's best to wrap up. This is all we got. It's probably. And this is what we got.

I want to do the quietest ending of any podcast ever. You want to have the quietest dinden, did you say? You want to have a dinden with me? I want to have a quiet dinden with you. Would you invite me up for a dinden? Okay. I'd like to invite you up for a dinden. A little.

Jesus. A little bing bing boom. I'm just. I'm crying. I think I'm in love now. I definitely want to have this. I want to have dinden with you. Give me that dinden.

Jesus Christ. You wear those shorts while you make me that dinden. I'll make you some dinden. Drop the sauce all over your dinden. Got a little sauce on my shorts while making the dinden. You get your Daniels out of here. He's not invited to the dinden. But we were having such an erotic moment

and you brought up fucking Greg Daniels. Because I see you. Greg, get out of my erotic fantasy with Aubrey Plaza. Get out. Get out. Thank you, Aubrey. Thank you. You're great.

Goodbye. Some of our listeners may have noticed that Sona of Sassian has taken a temporary wave of absence. She's been out promoting her new book, World's Worst Assistant. Terrific. Terrific effort by Sona. It's really a funny book.

It's out there and she's flogging that. She'll be back soon. But this is an opportunity. Sona's not here. Which means we can dish on Sona. And we can be completely honest. And to help us do that is Sona's own assistant, who pretty much does everything

since the minute he was hired. Because if you read Sona's book, you'll find that she never really was my assistant. And soon she'll be back continuing not being my assistant. But David Hopping has taken over David. You're an occasional voice here on the podcast. And first of all, I'd like to know, how did you get this job?

How did you get the job of being Sona's assistant? So I interned for you back in 2014. Then I was a tour guide on The Warner Brothers a lot for like two years. And like once a month I would just come, just like walk through your office and make sure people remembered who I was. So you were running tours on the lot.

Were you ever present when a tour saw me walking along? I was. I was getting a tour once and you drove by on a golf cart. Yeah, now people must have just lost their minds. I actually, it did work out perfect. Because I had two fans that were like huge fans of yours. And then you waved at them and then I got tipped because they were excited that they saw you.

So wouldn't I get some of that money? No. I would think I would. Okay, but because first of all, I was sort of doing a joke. I'm glad that it actually turned out that they were really excited. But I remember the tours would come around every now and then and I would always feel like I had to have performance energy

whenever a tour passed. I know that not everybody felt that way. There were other celebrities that would be like meh tour and they wouldn't give anything, right? Yes, I'm hated the tours. I probably shouldn't say who. No, you probably shouldn't say who. Probably should.

Pretty little liars. Really? Okay, interesting. I'm just guessing if you're a pretty little liar, you don't want to see a tour. Yeah. Some of them were really nice. Of course.

We won't, yeah, we're not naming names. But occasionally there'd be a pretty little liar who maybe didn't. One little liar. Literally ran away from my cart. I was like driving and she had a security guard stop my cart while she like sprinted away. Okay, we're not, again, we can't get in trouble because we're not identifying which pretty little liar ran away

from the tram taking tours. We're like the biggest pretty little liars fan. So then I was trying to come up with any excuse. So I was like, oh, I think she's in costume. Like she kind of spoilers maybe. I don't know. Right. She's late for a heart surgery.

Something like that that makes her seem noble. She usually stops and says hello, but she's late for dialysis. No, first of all, their name is pretty little liars. So you'd expect that kind of behavior. Yeah, it's a zoning brand. So anyway, that was your job. Then Sona brings you on board to be an assistant, right?

So I assisted her, Anne-Marie Weber at the time who was Jeff Ross's assistant to basically just run errands for you and Jeff. Right. Get me my basic groceries. I would take your car to get washed. Okay. You got me groceries?

I don't remember that. Every Monday. I think someone else was using you to get groceries and saying these are for Conan. I don't think so. I will never forget I got the grocery list and on it, it said whole carrots because Conan likes to peel them and eat them like Bugs Bunny. Oh my God.

That's just not true. Of course it is. It is not true. Of course it is. No, I would tell you if that was true, but what an insane thing to write on the list. I think I still have the list from 2016. Right.

Did it have my various creams and emollients that I need? No. Various potions and powders, elixirs, bombs. No, but it did have roasted turkey. Poltices. I ate a lot of turkey back then. Lean protein I liked because I was a lean comedy machine. I'm a bloated parody of myself.

I got dark so quick. I'm Merlin Brando at the end of Apocalypse Now. Only a grown three more. The horror, the horror. Swallow the bug. Yeah. I'll explain what that is to you later. I also asked off, so the day that I got hired,

I asked off for four weeks before I started because I was going to Europe the next day. Wait, you got hired to assist Conan O'Brien and you said my first request is to blow this off for four weeks? You can do that? Yeah. You really should have done it. No, at the interview they told me I could start.

So I just said, well, I leave tomorrow for four weeks. Is that okay? And Sona said it was fine. Okay. Yeah, sure, Sona said it was fine. And she said that's a coincidence because I'm leaving tomorrow for the Caribbean for six weeks. That's something she would do.

Oh, great. We'll both be away. We'll look after Conan. I don't know. He'll find some turkey and carrots on his own. The freak. Was there any legal activity in your time with Sona? Did she ever encourage you to break the law in any way?

Because she's a little bit of a rule breaker. Well, I think it was legal then. What? What are we talking about? Well, stealing. There wasn't stealing. We never stole anything together, I don't think. I don't think.

But the first, I think it was the first time, one of the first times I ever tried weed was in your office. Like literally in his office? In my office at Warner Brothers? With Sona. This is a safe space, right? Like we can't get in trouble with weed. There's no recording device here.

In the podcast studio? Yeah, but like what's said on the podcast, like you can't get fired for, right? Well, let's hear it and I'll let you know. Okay. So wait, you're in my office at Warner Brothers Studio. It was a day where you did a double show. So you always gave like, you know, like there's always a dinner break.

And you were downstairs getting ready for the next show. And we went into your office and opened up the window. We did blow the smoke out the window. This is where they shot Goonies, by the way. You know, this is a sacred place. They shot Casablanca and more important to you and Sona. Goonies. On your stage?

They shot both of those? They shot, Casablanca was not shot on my stage. It was shot in and around, I was thinking a couple of locations. Goonies too? Goonies. You reefed up on the set of Goonies? Yeah. You've been hopping?

Well, I'm proud of you. Thank you. So any tour that was going by would just see smoke. Now, did you get a good buzz going? Not really. I don't think I did it right. The first time you don't always feel it. Yeah.

I've tried it many times and nothing really happens. Really? Yeah. You probably have such a firewall for any kind of brain changing thing. You know what I mean? It couldn't get through that. I might be. I might be just a strong barrier.

Whenever they give me a medication, I need a lot of it. Really? For it to have an effect. And I've heard that that's a red-haired thing. Really? That redheads need more of a medication. Yeah. That's actually easy.

He's joking. He's not. Really? I think you need something. Yeah. My stars. So anyway, that's a little digression. So wow.

So that's ballsy. And then my first bag of edibles was from Sona, which kind of came from you because you rewarded her when she watched, like, whatever, 50 episodes of Friends. Yeah. We did a thing, because she watched so much TV work, I made a bet that she couldn't watch 50 episodes of Friends. And she did. And I rewarded her with her favorite thing, a bag of edible gummies.

She kind of just, like, went through the hall as, like, the weed fairy, just, like, giving people edibles. Skin you guys hooked when she could be a dealer. Yeah. First one's free. Wow. I wonder if this is in her book. I don't remember this part of her book.

I don't think this part's in there, but other crimes are in her book. Yes. That's true. You're the assistant, not just for me, but for Jeff Ross as well, because we've really pared things down a bit here. So you're, you're assistant to two of us. Sona, you're supposed to be assisting Sona, but she's, she's selling a book on a book tour and the book's about how she screws around all the time and you do all the work.

So is that fair? Do you have any resentment there? No. Because someday you get to write a book. Yeah. She's the most average assistant. All right. Well, listen, thank you and please keep ratting her out because it's important.

Because if she were here, she's so loud and so defensive, she'd start yelling over all of this and none of it would get recorded. So this is really our chance to get the dirt on Sona. You're a good man, David Hopping. Thank you. And again, a quick plug for your podcast. What's it called? Back to the best.

Back to the best. And it's about 90s trivia. So let's install Jeff. Let a Disney channel. Okay. So you're screwing around too while I take you. No? Yeah, you are.

Well, okay. I know we have to wrap, but we, Sona did come on my podcast and we waited until you went down to rehearse your show once and then we had my friend Grace, who I co-host with, come in and we sat in your office and recorded our episode. What the hell is this? Unbelievable. Unbelievable. I think it's like episode 15.

Back to the best. I'm the ultimate, I am the ultimate chump. I'm paying these people to get high on my office, record their own podcast. My therapist meets me in your office and we do our sessions in there. And then your therapist bills me. Yes. All right. Well, I guess I should be mad at you, but I'm just kind of impressed.

Thanks. Yeah, so. Well done. David Hopping. Well done. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorley, produced by me, Matt Gorley, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salataroff and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Beckton, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn.

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