Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Avery Blaze

Episode Date: May 13, 2021

Conan talks with Pauline from Sacramento to get professional style tips and to offer advice he’d give to help a friend out of a breakup slump. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Welcome Pauline. Hey Pauline. Hi, it's so nice to see you guys and meet you. It's nice to see you Pauline.

Where are you right now? I'm in Sacramento. Okay, let me tell you what I remember about Sacramento. I remember being in Sacramento and saying, where should I go? And they said, the old riverboat. There's a riverboat. And then I went to the riverboat and I had lunch and then later on I said, what's a good place to go?

And someone else said, the riverboat. I was at the riverboat and then I saw a third person. And before I even said anything, that person said riverboat. And I guess that's the one thing to do in Sacramento. Tell me if I'm wrong Pauline. It's not the most happening of town, what everyone always says, it's two hours from where you'd rather be. Oh shit.

I wish they had a bumper sticker that's Sacramento, two hours from where you'd rather be. I know, well I moved here from South Carolina, so what does that say about me? I chose this. Well first of all, I'm going to get an angry letter from the Sacramento Tourism Council, but I'm going to forward it to you Pauline because it's all your fault.

I did have a good time at that riverboat, I just think they need one other thing, you can't just have the riverboat. Right. And thank God they have a river because I almost feel like, I think they'd have the riverboat even if there wasn't a river in Sacramento. I think so, they would get like a large puddle and just put it right there. They would just put it there and it would completely cover the puddle

and know what you'd have to say. Take our word for it, there's water underneath it. It's a six inch diameter blob of water. Pauline, you came from, you said South Carolina? Yes. I've nerded out in South Carolina. I'm a bit of a history buff and I'm one of those guys that went to like Fort Sumter. I just geeked out looking at all the Civil War stuff there.

So when you were growing up, were there a lot of nerdy Civil War reenactors hanging around South Carolina? Yes, there were and we had like in the third grade, like a whole unit on South Carolina history and it's just so much of like everything good that we did in the Revolutionary War and then you get to the Civil War and it's like, well, you know. We kind of started it. We kind of started it.

Do you have a lot of riverboats there? Don't you? They do actually, they have some. But yeah, South Carolina kind of started it. But of course, that was a long time ago and you got out of there and went to Sacramento, which as far as I know, never harmed anyone except with its riverboat food. Over and over again, what do you do, Pauline?

I work for a company called Stitch Fix. Oh, I think we've done ads for them. We have. Thank. Are you tricking us to do yet another ad to Stitch Fix? Are you getting us to talk about Stitch Fix now? It'd be funny if now, and this fan thing, people started calling in and saying, hey, Conan, I'm just a huge fan.

And then it was clear they didn't know much about me. They didn't know who Matt or Sona were. And then they'd be like, anyway, and I go like, what do you do? I work for Exxon. Conan, we are working hard to find future energy sources for an America that really needs it. Exxon. Do some scenes.

Sorry, you're here to do an ad for Stitch Fix. No, you're not. You found me out, yeah. Well, tell people what Stitch Fix is. And this is not an ad. It's going to be. This is a real human being named Pauline just talking about what she happens to do. So what do you do for Stitch Fix and what do they do?

So Stitch Fix is a company that styles people like online. So a personal stylist picks out clothes for you and then they send it to you and you try it on at home. And we just feel like really convenient for people right now and pandemic and everything. So I do a little bit of that. I try to work on their blog and write some content and do some customer service stuff too. Let me ask you a question. Do you have that ability to style people yourself?

Yes. Is that something you can do? What would you do with me? Be honest. And you can just be brutal if you have to be. Just what would you do for me? How should I dress compared to how maybe you've seen me dress in the past? Yeah, I mean, well, I'm a fan of the jackets you've been doing.

Those have been great. And I like the visual tricks you do with your torso and your legs, but they look nice and proportional. That is so... That is a visual trick. You've noticed that. You've noticed that I try to change my body proportions with my clothes. That's exactly right.

You're right, Pauline. I do that. You're on the right track. Yes, yes. I wish that you didn't notice that because it means it's not working if you're noticing it. But then again, you're an expert. Yeah, that's my keen eye. So he should stay away from high-waisted pants, right?

Yeah. Because then it just seems as though 90% of his body is just legs. Okay, let's take it easy. I'm sorry. You're on the attack right now. It's not 90%. I've had it measured. It's 85.8% of my body is leg.

And it's been a rough life for me as a circus attraction. But what about bib overalls, Pauline? I was thinking that. If I wore bib overalls, you wouldn't know where my torso, where my legs ended and where my torso started. Well, yeah, I suppose I wouldn't, but I think I'd have some other questions that would maybe stop it. Well, I'd clearly work in agriculture. I think it presents as a guy who's working with the earth. I think that's very attractive in and of itself.

Very relatable, very manly. Yeah, very relatable. I like it. Well, that's what I'm going with. I'm wearing bib overalls, and I'm going to say that Pauline from Stitch Fix told me to. See, now you know this isn't an ad. And you're going to get fired. Now, listen, Pauline, I'm concerned.

I'm concerned because you are a young, attractive person and you're living in Sacramento when I worry, is there enough of a life there for you? Is there a community? Do you have friends? I do have a friend. But I did bring her with me from South Carolina. You had her FedEx to you, in a tube. I passed her in Detroit.

Wait, so you have a friend and you said, I'm going to Sacramento and you're coming with me? Yeah, it was a joint decision. We had both graduated from college and we thought there wasn't much going on in the town we were living in in South Carolina. And we thought, well, Sacramento, though, that's promising. So we just backed up my car and we moved across the country. Right. So it's like Dorothy, except instead of the Emerald City, it's Sacramento. Yes.

Okay. There is a version where Dorothy's just trying to get to Sacramento and it was released by MGM and it really didn't do well. So that's it. I mean, that's it. You have one friend there. No, you've made other friends. You've got a community of young hipsters that you hang out with. Yes, a young hipster.

No, I don't really. I live with my boyfriend, so I've got him too. And I have a pet rabbit who's kind of... Oh, that's our second pet rabbit on Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. Yeah, that's the second rabbit. We're clearly just attracting rabbit people now. Oh, rabbit people. Oh, no.

Trust me, there's a whole psychological profile that the FBI has on rabbit people. Is it that they're not good at making friends and a little scared? No, no, not at all. Pauline, you're very down on yourself and that's terrible that you went negative. No, it just means that you're probably a compulsive thief. They all do live in Sacramento. Yeah, exactly. They're all just on one riverboat together with their rabbits.

Wait, so boyfriend, boyfriend you met in Sacramento or came with you from South Carolina? He came, we were here for a few months and then he joined us from South Carolina. Wait, so you are getting people to move to Sacramento? That's right, yeah, I'm really... You know, there's a lot of people leaving California right now and they're headed to, like, Texas and they're probably headed to South Carolina because they feel like it's too expensive here and you are single-handedly turning it around, Pauline. You should get some kind of medal from the governor because you are bringing people to Sacramento.

He's in Sacramento. I mean, it is the state's capital. Yeah, go up to him and ask him. Yeah, go up to be like, hey, Governor Newsom, will you give me an award? Yeah, and guess what? You know, he keeps medals in his glove compartment of his Honda Civic. He has them. So you can just say, hey, Newsom, I brought...

I convinced my boyfriend and my friend, plus I moved here too. That's three people that have joined the tax base. Open up the glove compartment on your Civic and give me one of those 19 medals you have rattling around in there and he'll do it. All right, well, I'll just go do it. I'll just walk down the street. He's right there. I'm going to recon this for you first.

I don't want you just rushing around, rushing up to governors. I think it could be a security thing. And what does your boyfriend do? He is a jazz musician. Oh, my God. I know. That's so cool. What is his instrument?

He plays the bass. Oh, my God, those are the coolest people. I'm so, I don't know why I'm suddenly like mad at him. Yeah. I feel like... It's the upright, the upright bass, right? Yeah, he also does electric, but for jazz, usually the upright. Wow.

Oh, my God, those are the best people to stand a chance against that guy. I was going to try and say something kind of negative about him just to make myself feel better. It's that sad level that I'm at. And I can't. He plays the upright bass. That's like a real musician plays the upright bass because the upright bass doesn't even have frets on it. You just have to know where the note is. It's this weird thing.

There's no fret on that upright bass. There's no... But jazz musicians are like, hey, man, the note is where I say it is. The note is where I feel it is. And they're like, damn it, they're right. What's his name? His name is Avery. Whoa.

Okay. Take it easy, Matt. Yeah, that name is cool too. I mean, this guy's got it coming and going. His name, Blaze, is he Avery Blaze? How did you know? You've met him. I just know these things.

Avery Blaze. Wow. All right. Well, what's he doing right now? How come he's not in the apartment? I told him it would make me even more nervous. So he's sitting outside in his car. Wait, you just somehow outcooled Avery Blaze.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Avery is so devoted to you that you can just make him, hey, Avery. I'm going to about to talk to Conan, Matt, and Sona. Get out. Go sit in the car. And it's really hot in LA right now.

It's like 110 degrees out. Sacramento, it's probably 160 degrees because you guys have that active volcano. I'm just putting a little thought out there for people that were like, I didn't know that. You should not be nervous talking to us. We're just folk. We're just folk. I listen to you guys like every day though. And like, Conan, I've been obsessed with you since I was like 12 years old.

Like that's always my answer to like everything of like, oh, is your celebrity crush? Who would you like love to meet? I like put you in a college essay one time. I won't say if I got into that college or not. I'm going to guess that would be a big no. Pauline, that's so nice. I mean, it's first of all, it's very nice to meet you. And I'm honored to have you as a longtime fan because you're very cool.

Not quite as cool as Avery, but that's not. But who? What are we going to do about that? No, that's really sweet. That's very nice. I think it was a terrible mistake to use me as a reference in a college essay. But you were trying to become a physicist at MIT and you weren't interested in physics at all and had never taken a physics course. So that's on you.

And then dropping my name in the MIT essay, that was an even bigger mistake. They just ripped up the application when I saw you. They actually have a machine that can detect if a college application has a reference to me anywhere, it can detect it before they even open it and it goes right to a shredder. Oh, no. Yeah, that's on you. Pauline, was there anything I could do for you? Because I like you and you've been very loyal to me.

Do you have a question for me? Is there anything I can answer for you? Yeah, so during quarantine and everything, I've had a lot of friends, obviously not here, but some of them here, some of them back home who have been going through relationship troubles, ups and downs. And I have a certain very loving approach when you're in a breakup. And I wondered if I was going through a breakup and you were like my best girlfriend, how would you cheer me up? How would you help me out of my slump?

So the only way I can do this is if I change genders. Why do I have to change my gender? Why do I have to be your best girlfriend? Why can't I do it just as a very woke and feminine man? That you are. You can do it that way. Meaning I already am that, yeah. Well, first of all, is everything okay with you and Avery?

Because now I'm concerned about Avery. You're asking me for breakup advice and Avery's sitting in a 140 degree car like an abused dog. Yeah, did you crack the windows? Yeah, you got to crack the window with an Avery. You can't just leave an Avery in a car with locked windows. The policeman's breaking those windows right now and giving him some ice. So everything's cool with you and Avery. Yes, no, we're all good.

Yeah, I want that to be very clear. Me and Avery Blaze are doing great. Avery Blaze. Well, of course, yes. Avery Blaze. Avery is now passed on because he's been in the car for 40 minutes. I'm sorry. Come on.

This is a public service announcement. Do not leave an upright jazz bassist in a locked car during a heat wave. That's just something you've got to know. Don't tell me he doesn't wear a beret ever. Did he ever wear a beret? No, no, no. Okay, good. Conan.

Well, I'm sorry. That was going to be a deal breaker. What would I tell you, Avery? Seriously? If you were going through a breakup? Or just any friend. Any friend. I'm sorry, not you, Avery.

Pauline, what would I say to you? Or what would I say to any friend? Yeah, or anyone. Like, you have a friend, they're going through a breakup. How do you pick them up? I honestly, well, I'm just going to say if I was talking to you, I would say, because that's just the easiest way to do it, because there are some people, look, there's some people who I'd say you've got to fix this relationship

immediately because you're not going to get another one. I've said that. Jesus Christ. No, I mean, I'm talking about when a terrible, I'm friends with some, worst. So now I'm friends with some terrible people and you know that. Oh my God. You know that, especially in this business.

I tell them, no, you're a psychopath. You've got to fix this. I've said that. The worst thing you can say. Trust me, Sona, think about some of the people I've met in this industry. Okay. If they came to me and said, I'm going through a breakup, I would say you've got to get back into that relationship

because that person made you so much more tolerable. But I would say to you, Pauline, specifically, I would say you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you. There were so many times in my life when I thought, when I went through a breakup or something and I thought, I was devastated and I just thought, this is it. My life is over and it wasn't. So I think I tell very young people that your perspective completely changes

later on in life. I don't know if you know exactly how old I am. You can look it up on Wikipedia, but I'm almost 40. Pauline, very close to 40. I believe that. Actually, just celebrated my 32nd birthday. I'm going to keep chipping away at my age. No, at my age, I just turned 58.

At my age, I have a whole new appreciation for soft foods. Soft foods. Thank you. Grip bars at the toilet. I really like that. I like to lower myself down using my forearm strength. I like the medical alert thing when I fall. I sometimes use that when I haven't fallen.

I just call them and say, hey, and they're like, well, did you fall? And I go, no, I'm good. I just, you know, want to chat. They get really mad when I do that. But I think it's all about perspective. So I would tell a lot of my friends, you know, there's so many cliches and I hate cliches about one door closing another opening, but I say that it's exciting.

This next chapter is going to be very exciting and bet on yourself. Bet on yourself is something I tell a lot of the young people that work for me. Don't settle. And you've heard me have that conversation with many people in our staff. Yeah. You've had it with me when I've broken up with some guys. You've actually been a really good person to talk to, which is surprising. He's shockingly, I shouldn't say that.

That's not nice, but he's very sincere. And, you know, there'll be times where we'll be at like a holiday party for work. And then, you know, I just like go talk to go near him and he's talking to one of their staffers who's just like pouring their heart out to him. Right. Well, I really do. I have a lot of young people that work for me and I have had this talk a lot, which is bet on yourself.

And it's something I specifically say to the women on my staff. But I just say, don't settle and be nice to yourself and demand that you get the best person. So that's what I would say to you, Pauline. I like the sound of Avery Blaze. I like everything about him. You're the one. We'll see. Time will tell.

I have to meet him before you. I'm so jealous. I am so goddamn jealous. I just am. He's got me beat in every... Musicians are so much cooler than comedians and he's got me beat on every level. This is going to go straight to his head. This is going to go...

You can never hear this. This is going to blow him up too much. I want to be Avery Blaze. Listen, I'm coming up there. Pauline, this is going to get creepy, but I'm coming up there to meet with you and Avery. I have to meet him and I have to approve of him. You've been a fan of mine for a long time and I need to take him to the riverboat. Just the two of us, him and I, and we have to talk man to man and we got to straighten some shit out.

I'm not going to fight him. I'm going to fight him when his back is turned. Guys that work with the upright base usually have pretty good arm strength. I am going to attack him when his arm is turned and when he's had a lot to drink, when his head is turned. I think that's fair. That's fair. Yeah. You're a terrible person.

But Pauline, yeah, I'm a fan of yours and I'm so happy to get to know you and sorry about Sacramento, but it's all going to get better. Everything's going your way. I'm telling you, big things are on the way for you. Thank you so much. It was so nice to meet all three of you. I love you all so much. Thank you for this.

Yeah, and thanks for listening to us. It's nice to know you're out there. It really is. Thank you. Awesome. Okay, Pauline, I'm going to go buy some bib overalls right now. And that's through Stitch Fix. Damn it.

You mentioned them. Now they owe us money. Now they owe you money. Yeah, I hope. Hey, nice to meet you, Pauline. Nice to meet you too. Y'all take care. You too.

Goodbye. Pauline. Thank you. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Stitcher.