Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Bill Burr

Episode Date: December 3, 2018

Comedian Bill Burr feels great about being Conan’s friend.Bill joins Conan to chat about feeling jealous of his kids, his latest life-changing breakthrough, the end of the Burt Reynolds era, and more.Plus, Conan answers questions from fans about messing with his staff, sports, and Pokémon. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name's Bill Burr, and I feel great about being Conan's best friend, because I know if he's an Irish guy, he probably can't handle a compliment. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is the podcast where basically I'm talking to some of my favorite people I've had on the show over the years. I love them, but no friendship ever really developed. I'm trying to see if we can make that happen here. I'm aided by my trusty assistant, Sonamou Sassien. Hi. Hi.

And Mr. Matt Goorley. Hi. Yeah. What was that? That was a weird quick... Because of... That was almost a Japanese... Hey. Yeah. I cut it off mid-word.

Okay. Well, that's I guess your job here is to interrupt the host. That was a mistake. I am really excited about today's guest. He is one of my favorite comedians. We have a lot in common, and I think he's one of the most original comedy voices of the last decade. I'm talking about Bill Burr. Bill, I'm thrilled you're here, because I absolutely love you. You're one of the funniest people out there, and we've got to know each other a little bit, but this is a nice chance, maybe.

Yes. Maybe we'll hang out here today doing this podcast, and at the end you'll say, you know what? I want Conan in my life. Do you think that's possible? Oh, I thought you were going to go the other way. Maybe I don't feel great about Conan after talking to him. Well, that way, look, I'll be honest with you, it could go that way. It could happen that way. No, man. I got to tell you, doing like the level of respect I now have doing a panel

on talk shows is because of all those, the great back and forth that I've had with you and Andy, and what I've always said is you're like an old school guy with the guest is killing. You know the show is killing. I always know you know where I'm going, but you always pretend like you don't, and you just lead me down there, and then Andy always jumps in like the good cop to nice it up if I said something too far. It really just, it works. Now it's nice that I like comedians to score as much as they can score because I always think that's good for the show, and I've had some of them tell me over the years that they were with other hosts, and they were like, yeah, I, you know, I could tell he didn't want me to

score that much, and I thought, why? You're out there for an hour every night. You want the other person. All people do is when they talk about, is talk about how hard you're laughing. Yeah. Because I know when I watch the Carson clips, that's what I'm watching because that was like, you know, the, the, the holy grail. And if you could get that guy going, like, and everybody would, I remember back in the day, just watching Johnny Carson or even like Letterman or something. I remember Chris Farley had an, he had won a panel. Like that was like a big thing as a comic coming up, like to be good at panel. I feel like it's becoming

like a lost art. And so I always wanted to be good at, and George Goldblast, watch all of those guys, but I saw Chris Farley on Dave, on David Letterman was the hardest. He was already making him laugh. And he said, so what happened when you went to college and Chris did one of those weird voices? He goes, well, Dave, the trouble continued. Something like that. And just the way he did it and the timing, like, I want to say Dave put his head down on the desk, but it was, it was a, it was a gut laugh. Yeah. And I was just, and I remember thinking just as I, I think I had just started doing standup. I was like tracking, you know, already tracking laughs. And I was like, he got a

gut laugh from David Letterman. I mean, that, that's like, This is what, this is what I compare it to. I always had a keen eye for what made my dad laugh. And if someone really made my dad laugh or someone on TV really made my dad laugh, I noticed it. And I would feel that way when I would watch Johnny Carson as a kid. I would, I would, I would watch him because I'm watching a guy, an adult who I really respect. And they're, and they're laughing hard. And as a kid, you're like, okay, that's really cool. Yeah, I want to be able to do that. I want to be able to do that. And I remember it was Buddy Hackett. I think Buddy Hackett used to make Johnny laugh harder than anybody.

Oh, they've been coming back from the commercials because you've told all the dirty jokes during the commercials. Yes. The classic two guys walk into a bar. My dad, for my dad, it was Foster Brooks. Back when alcoholism was funny. Alcoholism was hilarious. Yeah. There was this guy whose whole career was pretending to be drunk and everybody loved it. I mean, everybody loved it. And then one day, everybody said, alcoholism isn't funny. And it was over for Foster Brooks, I think. Yeah. Is he advocating beating your children and not remembering it the next day? You know,

it's funny, that guy never drank. No, no, he was a total tea totaler. And what I loved was after he would do it, he always made like a lot of his appearances. And he made sure he did this big dramatic bow like that was just a performance. So like you knew. And it was like very like... It's like Don Rickles at the end of his act would always sing, I'm a nice guy to show people, you know, like kid. And after just going after everyone for a solid hour, he would sing a song. And I talked to Bob Newhart once and he used to say like, lose the song.

Everyone, they just love that you do that. They don't need the song. Yeah, we know. And Rickles was like, no, no, no, I need to do that. I need to let people know. It was probably for him then. Do you remember that Buddy Hackett? Buddy Hackett did a special one time. Me and DeRosa were watching. It was hilarious. It was just all street jokes, just the dirtiest stuff, you know, absolutely hilarious. And then in the end, he was singing a song because his daughter had grown up and fallen in love and was getting married and he was sad about it.

And he just sang this sad song. Well, I've never heard of this. He just sang this sad song and closed his special on it. It gets unbelievable. It was later in his career. It was like one of those days when you first got a cable, it was HBO Showtime and Cinemax was like somewhere might have been a Cinemax special. I don't even remember. But yeah, he closed out a special singing a sad song. And everybody's just like, wow, that's really sad. What else you got? And it's just like, good night, everybody. No, this is the thing that makes me crazy about comedians in general and comedy in

general. There's this idea that's been around for a long, long time. I remember, I think Billy Crystal did some movie and his manager or someone said to him, now you've finally arrived. And Billy said, why? And he said, because you made me laugh, but you also made me cry. And I think, what? I have no interest in ever ever making anyone cry. It is not something that interests me and all my favorite comics like W.C. Fields. I love W.C. Fields or The Mark's Brothers or The Three Stooges. They don't care about making you cry. I never bought into that idea that you got to make them laugh. But then at the end, you got to bring a little tear to their eyes. No, you don't. Go slice an onion, you know, but like

you don't need to do that. That's one way to do it. But I look at it like people are coming to the show to get away from that. And that's why a lot of times, you know, comics get in trouble for jokes about sensitive stuff. And it's like that. Like a lot of people, they don't understand that that is part of humor where it's like, no, you make the joke because you don't want to feel the pain. It's not that you're not taking it seriously, but like, you know, I've done shows for troops and, you know, they tell me some of the jokes when they're on the battlefield and they see dead bodies and stuff or whatever, like the jokes that

they make, you know, cops, you know, seeing all the carnage that they see, car accidents and firemen and all that, they all have the jokes they have to make. Other than that, we just going to sit there in the sadness of it. So the problem is, is people take it as like, you know, disrespect. And now with all this, this childish behavior on the internet right now, which is why I'm just regressing back to meat TV, just to avoid the internet, you watch old TV shows on meat TV. Yeah, I like it because I, you know, what the stuff that I'm getting to do now, because of the tickets that I'm selling, I think we did the other day was, it was insane. And it was just like to keep me, you know, I come at home,

I really enjoy being a dad. I like doing the dishes. And I like coming home being like ridiculously normal. So now I'm just, I'm overcompensating to just kind of balance it out. So that's why I was telling you earlier that I went to the grocery store today and I saw on the rack, I saw readers digest. I'm like, I used to love that man. I just got that. You've got your, so you're reading readers digest, you're watching meat shows from the, from the 19 early 60s. I'm going home tonight. I'm going to make some pumpkin bread, just going all nuts for holidays. What happened? This is so funny because you're pretty new. You're pretty new to being a dad. I love it though. And you, and, and I remember

talking to you beforehand, you had some trepidate, you know, you were like, I don't know, it's going to be a big change, right? That's the funniest thing you're ever going to say that I had some trepidation about. I was terrified. I always wanted to, and I actually wanted to have like a big family and everything. But, you know, the things that happened to me that made me end up getting into this business made that always seem like it was a year away until I finally, I just decided like, Hey, this is my choice. I know I'm with the right person. And then just, you know, it's one of those like a lot of things in life. You think it's a mountain and you're just stepping up onto a curb or stepping off at or whatever.

And you think that, you know, you know, the whole world cares. Everybody's paying attention to your problems, all of that shit. So, so this is a, this is a question because this is where we can probably relate is growing up. We both grew up in the seventies, parented in the seventies. I was, I was sort of an overlap seventies into the eighties. Okay. I'm, I'm, uh, I'm older than you. I was, uh, I was mostly seventies and, uh, and I'm one of six siblings. Okay. So here's the thing. It's chaos. You know, I love my parents and they did a fine job, but it was chaos, uh, in a lot of respects.

I think he gave me a three star review. I just, I was good food, you know. Yeah. I gave, I just gave my hungry. It's not bad. I just gave my parents an okay Yelp review. They got, they got one Michelin star. Yeah. They get no Michelin. The food wasn't great, but they did what they could, but it was, it was chaotic. There's, there's, and, and there's sort of frontier justice sometimes. And it's all this stuff that doesn't exist anymore because I see my, my wife, we have two kids and my wife showers each of them with attention, ladles them with attention and makes sure that all of their emotional needs are met. And I'm always enraged. I'm, I'm, I'm jealous because I'm, you know,

she's like, well, how did you feel about that, uh, Beckett and Neville? How does that make you feel? And I'm going to go talk to her cause she seems a little upset. So I'm going to go spend a half an hour with her and talk to her. And I'm, I'm furious cause that's not how it happened. She's on the job and just shot a suspect, you know, this is like her phone died. But you feel, but you feel that way. Oh my God. I used to do a bit about this. I was in the grocery store one time and there was this kid crying cause he wanted something and his, his mother didn't give it to him and it made me feel good. And I wanted to

be like, yeah, I get used to that. You know, and then one time when I saw a mother gave into it, like I got mad and as an adult, I wanted to trip this toddler. You wanted to trip a toddler. I didn't do it, but like that was the thought in my head. Like I wish that kid would fall down and get hurt and I didn't do it. So I get to enjoy watching him cry. You know what's funny? Well, a long time ago when I was in English class, there was a, in high school, there was this story that everybody hated and I loved it, but like it was the football players cheerleaders. They all hated it. So I knew the pecking one.

I was, I was just, you know, I was background. Like it was a movie. Like I was just the guy walking by and background, you know, me just walking through the high school and then like all the football players and stuff. So it was a, this story about, there was this kid, he was up in a tree and there was two older, older kids were playing catch and he was sort of heckling them and just being a dick. And then he fell out of the tree and started crying. I forget how it ended, but I just remember thinking that was perfect because I wanted them to beat the shit out of the kid. And, but you couldn't cause you get in trouble, but then like nature just did it for him. So then you got to enjoy watching him cry

and you couldn't get in trouble. So when the adults showed up like, what happened? What happened? I fell out of the tree. You know what that is? That's biblical justice. Yeah. That's God took care of that. It still bugs me to this day that I didn't have the courage to raise my hand in that class and say my, as everyone was going, oh, stupid. Don't go anywhere else. He's football players. I loved it. Little shit fell out of the tree. He started crying and they didn't get in trouble. I wish that happened in my life. Now, okay. So now four stars with your, with your child, you're obviously going to shower more attention. Do you ever feel at all jealous that your child is going to get more attention

than you got? No, I'm not going to. And so does my assistant here laughing because she sees how obsessed I am with this topic. What is it, Sonia? No, I'm just, it's, it's the thing about being jealous of your kid for just getting attention and love. That's only something someone from a family of six kids would think about. I'm enraged at my children forgetting, forgetting the attention. When I see the joy. When I see the joy on my child's face. You're giving them. And also they're growing up without any deep emotional wounds. And I resent that. So I've got to feel like I have to manufacture. No, but I think that that's, that's something that like, I've heard like, like a lot of rappers that, you know, grew up in, you know,

crazy tough neighborhoods. And then all of a sudden they're in the Hollywood Hills. There's like that thing where it's like, okay, I'm so happy my kid doesn't have to deal with any of this stuff. But is my kid just going to be this little, like, I don't know what the proper word is, what you're supposed to say now. We used to say a pussy. Like, is this kid just going to be some spineless, like, like at some point there's got to be, he's got to scrape his knee or something because he's going to go out. And this is the thing. There's all of this crap out there about, you know, don't bully and don't do this and don't do that and all of this type of stuff. And everything's been labeled and they got

all these kids doing this stuff. But when they go out in the real world and they get on the treadmill and it's all about, you know, making money and it's cut through, all of those rules are out the window. Like adults bully the shit out of each other. They mean they still say stuff. It's just, it's just at an at another level. So if you're going to just have them kind of be like the boy in the bubble and then just let him out there and be like, okay, I did my job. He's he's not this. He's not that he doesn't do this. He doesn't do that or anything like that. But he never got into a fight. Like that's like we already have like a thing like me and my wife, like she wants, you know, my daughter

obviously to go to like ballet classes and stuff. I'm like, no, she's also going to learn some MMA because no, because I feel like anytime an attacker would come in, like I feel like on the download, like nobody should know, especially sex offenders, that women should all learn that stuff because those guys, you know, if they're going to sexually violate a woman, they got to get in close and like all those women that I watch in the UFC when they know Jiu Jitsu, whenever I see that, it was just like, I would love one of those pieces of shit to ever pick on something like this because they're just right in there and they just automatically get them in a triangle, choke them out, the cops will be

there, they'll break their arm, like whatever they got to do, they'll beat the shit out of them. And I was somebody initially, when I saw the UFC women were getting into it, I was like, oh, no, I don't want to watch them beating the crap out of each other and stuff. And now that I watch them, like this is great because I always felt like, you know, with all this me too shit that's out there now, like something that I've kind of started to understand is like, do you know the feeling you get when you watch like those behind the scenes and like prisons, you know, and you watch that and all you think is how the hell would I survive in there? Jesus Christ, I can't imagine these guys walking around trying

to do that stuff to you. And it's just like, you know, women have to deal with that having not committed a crime, just kind of walking down the street or something, not saying all the time, like going to the grocery store, but like it late at night, like they have to go mentally where I am when I'm watching like one of these things. So like why would I want, you know, my kid to feel something like that. And if there is something out there, they can prevent it. You know, I wish my wife would listen it like you do right now to this theory that I have as long as she just goes, no, no, no, she's going to learn how to dance. She's going to be a lady is again, she'll know how to choke somebody out. It just you

need to have those surprise left turns to attract a mate. Yeah, you can't just be going down Main Street the whole time. I like this ended with you wishing that you were married to me. That's the best place at this point. I wish the best for you. We're going to take a quick break. We're going to resolve, but you would divorce me because I would ask you to listen to your emotional needs and you wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to handle it. Yeah, I don't want to be listened to. Yes, I want to think you want it, but I want to complain about it. I don't want to, I don't want to fix anything. I want to complain about all of it. And that's what I enjoy. I finally pushed through that

in the last 10 days. You did 10 days in the last 10 days. I got you just in time. I had a breakthrough. Yeah, I'll talk about when we get back. I had a break. And I'm not saying I won't have some relapses of getting angry and inanimate objects and stupid shit that's out of my control, but I just, I had a breakthrough. This is incredible. I want to find out about this. Let's take a quick break and then we'll find out about Bill Burr's life changing breakthrough that happened only 10 days ago. Hang on. And now it's time for the segment Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. Yes, yes. We don't need to go into detail. Big mortgage, beach house, bills to pay. Let's

pay those bills. And we're back. I know. And I'm literally going to be telling you this, this emotional breakthrough, like a fat person that lost five pounds. Like I'm not going to go back to Twinkies. Yeah, three days into a diet. I cracked it. I got it. I got to figure it out, dude. I'm going to have the washboard middle. Now they 600 pounds. It's going to come off. No, I just, I don't know what happened. I'm just sick of getting into arguments with people and I'm sick of getting to arguments with like my wife. And I went to this, this Dodger game. And then when I went home, my wife was mad at me because she didn't feel that she was invited to the pregame because my friends came over and I had to get some

beer for us. You know, one of the few times actually sent her out to go do shit. She does that to me all the time. Can you swing by? That's her big word. It's always in the complete opposite direction. I always want to send her a definition of swinging by usually means on the way. Not, can you burn another half a tank of gas past the house? So anyways, I came home and she's like, all the lights were out in the house. So I go, oh, let's go down, you know, sit outside the back porch, quietly smoke cigars and talk about how the red socks are one game away. Can you believe this? Right? So she texted me at like 1130. She's like, where are you on the back porch? And she just lights into me about the whole

day how she hasn't been invited or everything like that. So normally I would have just gotten into it. It's like, how are you not inviting to something that was going on in your own house? Why do you need an invitation? Yeah, why do you need an invitation? And not only that you have you have women over here all the fucking time and I feel you subconsciously being like, Bill, get the fuck out of here. And I get it. I screw I get out of there. I know you guys want to talk about all the what you want to talk about whatever. But I like when my my wife hangs around because she's hilarious. She breaks balls. And then my guy friends always like, Oh my God, you got the coolest wife ever. I'm like proud

of her. But I don't know what happened. I kind of got off the road. I didn't ask about her day. You know, it's that one little thing and then it just all starts tumbling. So I went upstairs and I just kept saying, I'm not going to get into an argument with you. I love you and you love me. I'm not leaving you. You're not leaving me. This is stupid. Like what is the problem? She's just like, Oh, no, forget it. Forget it. I had to like just slowly pull it out of her. And I found out that that's what it was. I didn't ask about her day. And I said, you're right. I should have done that. All right. I apologize. Now, can you come over here or are you going to go to bed angry? She was a little stubborn

and I just, I just kept saying, I'm done with this. I'm saying it out loud. So hopefully I do it. I'm not doing it anymore. And if she gives me the honey-do list, rather than bitching about it, I'm just going to knock it out. And I'm going to test this theory, the happy wife, happy life thing, you know, which I've been joking about in my life that it sounds cute because it rhymes, but it really is a threat. And it's kind of weird that all this progressive feminism out there that they're sitting there talking about being kept women when most guys are in my situation, they don't beat their wives. They're not assholes, but basically they're in a situation that unless they do everything that another adult says,

there's no happiness in the house. And somehow like that's progressive. Okay, you achieve no breakthrough. That's what I'm getting. That's what I'm getting right now. You have not achieved a breakthrough. You said you would achieve to breakthrough. Then you started talking and now you are raging against the institution. I told you, I was going to have a relapse. I know, I know though, but I realize that what I did in the, like that's the key, right? And we are getting along ridiculously well. Yeah. But there just is that resentment because there's always that voice in my head like, Bill, you know, you're just, you're getting along so well with her because you're just doing everything that she says. Like,

how is this fair? But I, I have enough, I've carved out enough space, you know, I got my little space in the back where I can smoke cigars. And then I soundproof the garage and I have a drum kit in there. And that's another thing I do. We start getting to fight. I go and go for a walk and I go into the garage and I play like two Pantera songs and then I don't care. I'm having a good time and I come back out and I don't even remember what do you want me to do? What do you want me to move it? I'll move it over there. And then next day tell me to move it back and I'll, I don't give a shit. No, I don't want you to say you don't give a shit. You know, that's another thing too. I want you to mean it when

you do it. This can't just be a system. You know what I mean? You have to be emotionally connected to what they want. I'm almost there Conan. It's like, it's not, it's a screen door. It's a screen door. You're not close. You're not close. There's several, that's you, that's your own issues. Oh, you know what I hate is when people say, you don't say project. I hate the way people say project. You told the whole story how you projected your childhood on your own children. That's true. Your seed. But here's the thing. What I don't like about the projecting thing is that there are times where I'll see, it's like we live in this culture now where someone can take a gun and can shoot someone else

and then you can run up to that person. So you just shot that. We've always lived in a country like that by the way. Hold on. Let me finish. I don't know if you've read a history book. That's kind of how it went down. And then someone runs over to the guy who just shot someone and says, Hey, I can't believe you just shot that guy. I didn't do that. You're just projecting that onto me. That's what we, that's the culture we have now. Everything is projecting onto you. You don't think that that's a bit of an extreme example? I think it is. Listen, you've never been in like a bad mood and just taking it out on somebody. Or like, what do you think? Yes, he has. Oh yeah. He has often. Yeah. Okay. But I do

it. It's pretty amusing, isn't it? It's amusing because it's passive aggressive in a very frightening way. I have a laser. It's funny. People are laughing. When I'm mad at them, I get them laughing and then they're like, they're tearing up because they're really laughing at this passive aggressive thing I'm doing about how they just fucked up. And then I walk away and they realize they've been cut six different times across the abdomen. And it's awful. It's awful, right? I can't wait for the behind the scenes. This is the behind the scenes. Oh, sorry. I'm an awful person. He's awful. Wait a minute. Come on. Only he's allowed to say how awful he is. Yeah, because he's you're supposed to go. No, Coney, you're

not that bad. No, no, no, that's not our relationship at all. He is the worst. No. So, so this is interesting. So you've got, you know, this is theory that I've been doing for three days and that's the happiest three days of my marriage so far. Okay. We're doing everything she says for me to do. There's this theory that we are easier to deal with men as we get older because our testosterone falls. They always they can never give us credit for just having wisdom. You know what I mean? It can never be like a guy is actually smart despite all the shit we've invented. It just has to be. Oh, this is just a chemical thing. Yeah. And also you've been given a sedative. Speaking of testosterone, it's borderline

illegal now to have testosterone like this. This whole champion of the beta male is just like, I just don't understand, which is fine. You can be like that. You know, I got a friend of mine. He loves sex in the city, which I think when you watch it, it's so campy. It should be still, he still likes it. Like it should be a musical. Every time I drive my wife nuts, like she won't watch that show in front of me because the oversexed one there, like every joke is the same joke. So I just, I'm in the other room. Every time she does a punchline, I just go, cause she's a whore. Which one is that? Samantha? Samantha. Yeah. I always feel so bad for Kim, Kim Cattrell. It's just like, you couldn't give her anything

else. She told the same fucking joke for like seven years. She never poked her head into the writer's room being like, Hey, what if she's, uh, you know, has a hobby? You know, you know, she's into sailing when she was a kid or she got back into horseback riding or something. Oh, she's in the giant horse cocks. No, no, she just likes to ride horses. Oh, that's show. Well, here's my question for you. Do you ever fear, yes, that is your rage drops and you become more centered? This is a total comedian's fear that you lose the edge. No, not even remotely. That's, that's like the worst thing of that whole thing. If you get happy, that you're not going to be, uh, funny. And that's like, you know,

so I had a kid, this ridiculous level of love that you then experienced, but then what immediately happens is, is this, this fear of, oh my God, what if something happens to this wonderful thing? So then your comedy comes out of the fear. Like one of the first jokes I had was the first time I walked out onto the front porch with my daughter. My first thought was, what if a bird of prey swoops in and takes my baby? And I went through the whole thing of how I would kill this bird. I think I ripped its leg off and stabbed it with its own talons. Do you remember that in, in, uh, saving private rhyme when that guy was trying to hold off the night and that guy slowly pushed through. That's what I did to the bird in your mind,

in my mind, let's just be clear that you did that in your mind. Yeah. But so since that, so, so it just, it just comes from that. Yep. And, uh, I agree with you, by the way. Yeah. I don't think, uh, first of all, if someone said it's a choice, you can either be funny or be happy. I'd say happy, give me happy. I'll take that. If it was a choice, I don't think it is a choice because I think, uh, that's a tough one. I'm not there mentally that, cause my whole way of connecting with people is I make them laugh and like that just comes from, you know, growing up with orange hair. And it was just like, I got to make these people laugh before they beat the shit out of me.

Because you're, you're talking, you're preaching to the choir. Yeah. That's essentially what it was. I hated the way I looked when I grew up. You know what I wanted to do? I wanted jet black hair. I wanted to look like Bob Crane on Hogan's Heroes. Jack Lord. No, Jack Lord was my hair. I thought that a man, a real man was supposed to have jet black hair and I had, you know, sort of orange-ish hair. My two front teeth were dead and I had freckles and a round face. It's a tough hand, dude. You got to fold on that one. It was, no, trust me, I tried to fold and you got to play the hand. It was bad. I played

the hand, but that's where you learn. I got to be funny. I hated the punk rock kids. I hated it when they came in and they dyed their hair some crazy color and everybody thought they were so radical. I just remembered that you can wash that out and rejoin the matrix whenever you want. Like this is like a fucking life sentence. Yeah. No, I used to think that. I used to think if I had brown or black hair, I would have a girlfriend right now. I would literally, like literally think shit like that. Like I swear to God, if I had brown or black hair, I don't think I'd be in this business. I'd

probably just be some, you know, jackass driving a truck or something. Yeah. Was there anyone you wanted to look like that you envied their look and you thought, yeah, I wish I looked like that. Oh yeah, all of them. Bert Reynolds, like the whole thing, the whole look growing up. Bert Reynolds was the model. Like it was like, you had to have, you had to be able to get a tan. You had to have jet black hair. You had to have the mustache and it was Bert Reynolds. Then it went to Tom Selleck.

Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck. Yeah. All of these guys who just like subsets, they were all the same guy and they had the curly wavy hair, the shirt open, right? With the medallion sort of thing. And they just were guys, guys, but I love those guys. And I thought like, you know, you know, Bert Reynolds passing was really in the end of an era for a guy that they really don't, aren't going to allow you to be anymore. Like they're not going to allow a guy to kind of have that kind of

fun anymore. And what's so stupid is they act like there, there wasn't willing participants. You know what I mean? Like they just can't be this charismatic guy that all the women want to bang. And then he just can't go out and bang them all and have a good time. Like I think so much of what's going on right now is women who are like fours and fives are mad that they're not being treated like tents, you know, which annoys me as a five. This is Bill Burr talking now. Yeah. That's his voice.

I hear it listening to him. This annoys me as a five. I'm like, get a personality. Start telling some fucking jokes. Like, I don't get mad that I'm not like the copper tone model. You know, they need to be more diverse than it's like, no, you pasty fuck, we're trying to sell some stuff here. Beautiful people exist for a reason. Like they can sell stuff. They're fun to look at. You know, I love a beautiful movie star. I don't think that regular people should be up there. If I want to do that, I'll go on a bus station. I am happy to be 90th on the call sheet, going in handing something to a beautiful actor and all the movies that

I'm in, you steer into it. That's what you do. If you're not good looking, you just steer into it. You don't try to make good looking people feel bad for being good looking. I mean, there's a whole bunch of life that they don't even understand until their looks start. They get their pain when their looks go away. Okay. And they haven't built any solid relationships with anybody. And then their big AMX card of looks gets canceled. It's like, what's his face in trading places? You're like, Dan Ackroyd, you just got, it all goes away. And then next year, you're eating a fucking sandwich and your Santa Claus beard is getting in it. They're

going to get their pain. Here's the question though. Do you think that there are handsome people out there that are really funny? I, Bert Reynolds was hilarious. Exactly. Exactly. And let me just add a quick, quick, quick story. Bert Reynolds really not long before he died, I think months before he died, came on our show and I went back to say hi to him in the, in the dressing room and he was sitting down. He had trouble getting up and he did all those stunts. Yeah. He needed help. And so he didn't get up and, and I had been told he had trouble with that. So I just sat in a chair that was right up next to him to just thank him for

coming and chat with them and try and put him at ease. And as I was talking to him, he reached over and he started to massage my back and he was massaging my back and it was one of the best massages I've had. And, and I just, I was like, yeah, I just leaned into it. I did. I just was like, Bert Reynolds is my hero from when I was a kid is massaging my back. And I was going like, Oh, that feels good. And he's like, Oh yeah, you got a knot right here. I'm going to get that for you. And I thought, I am now so many women in 1972 getting a massage from Bert Reynolds. And I love it. I loved it. I like how homoerotic it is too. Cause guys back then were like so straight. They almost

became gay again. Like, you know, it's the funniest thing ever. Men of a certain age, if you go into a steam room, like everybody, our age down, you got a towel over yourself. Those guys are like so straight. They just come walking in with their junk hanging out like, Hey, just like, Jesus Christ, buddy. They don't, it doesn't occur to them. It doesn't. Yes. It was not even like, I didn't even think that they like homosexuality was so not even out presented anywhere in mainstream. I think that's my only way to like get around like how their behavior, it's a running joke between me and my friends that we go, I go on the road with like, when we see an old guy coming like starting to change, we just

start loud cause we just sit there. Here we go. Here comes this guy with his, his depression era junk that's going to come walking. Hey, that, that penis spot Hitler, you know, give him a break. Greatest generation. Dick and balls is about ready to come in here. We took the beach with this cock. Give me a break. That's how I didn't get shot. I hid behind my junk. Yeah, but those guys back then like, uh, like just the, the lives that they were, that they were, they were living. So I mean, back then you, you looked up to them. Now I, I don't know. I don't know where it went. This one happens. The testosterone drops, the, you know, the, uh, the fluoride's in the water. Probably. Right. The lizard people

all meeting. I would love to hear what they really talk about, you know, at those meetings. You know, there's no way they're not talking about the population problem. What people, what are you talking about? At the Bilderberg, the Bilderberg group, you know, the most powerful people, military and all that. You mean they get together and they talk about, well, it's not a secret where they, where they meet and who's there. They just won't say what they talk about, which I understand to a certain extent, but you can't tell me that somebody's not in the middle of meeting like, Hey, uh, 7 billion people. I'm just saying, wait, that's, that's the result of his study. Just throwing that out there. I'm just, Hey, 7 million,

just saying swirl a trash, two and a half times the size of Texas, two miles deep out in the Pacific ocean. I think the robots, that's what it's going to be. Are you a conspiracy theorist? Uh, yeah, but I'm not, but I am, I am not, I think people, when they get into these small elite rooms, talk about stuff that is very mundane and boring and they don't know much more than we do. I really believe that. I think that makes you feel better. I think you're projecting. No kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I can't handle it anymore. I know, I love that. I know something now that gets under your skin. No, I am. I definitely am. But I don't think the, I don't think the world is made out of cheese, but I also don't

look at, no one does the moon, sorry, the moon. Um, but I'm just saying, they go, Oh, put on your fucking tin foil hat. You know, I'm just, I just, you know, you're, uh, you went political at the end and that disappointed me. You're a hilarious, uh, gentleman, hilarious individual. What I love about this format, I'm not been doing this long and I know you do this only you don't need a guest. You just talk yourself, which I think is the height of narcissism. You have the nerve. Here I am. And I'm not going to talk to anybody. No, you know what it is. You know what it really sounds from? It's laziness. I don't want to deal with telling somebody where I live and, Oh dude, my fucking wife told me to go blah,

blah, blah. And then I got it. You know, can we reschedule this for next Tuesday? I just didn't want to deal with that. And, um, yeah. So now, but I have guests on. I'd love to have you on. Oh, come on. We'll do the same. We'll do the flip side of this. Yes. Well, watch for me. Watch for me. What the fuck was that? This is literally what it's become. We've just talked to each other for an hour and now you're going to come on mine and we're going to talk for another. That's all it is. That's what I think is going to be the end of all wars is that everyone's going to have a podcast and people are going to be so busy going on each other's podcasts. There'll be no crime. There'll be no violence. Also, no

one growing crops, but we'll just all quietly as a civilization go to sleep and, uh, and the planet will die now. All that has to be, isn't that whole thing? All that has to be, you take the humor out of that. Yeah. And you are a conspiracy theorist. Yeah. That's all it is. It's a very little, just move. Just a slight, slight move. Stop being silly. Be more serious. All right. Thank you. You cured me. Hey, I'm glad you reached and Bill, it's clear to me that you really have reached Nirvana and an inner peace. Um, this is this passive aggressive. There's nothing, there's nothing but bio all over the table, uh, but it's Boston bio, which is the best kind. I am like the happiest I've ever been. I know

it scares. That's the saddest thing you've ever said. Uh, all right, we're going to go on here whenever you want me to come on. I love coming over. I got nothing but great memories of coming over here. Uh, you know, some of, you know, I've gotten a lot by doing your show. I've been using you Conan. I really have. I was like, where's there another red headed male that I can hitch my way? And I did it. God damn it. All right. Thank you. God bless my calls. All right. Thank you. Go socks overnight. And now it's time for a segment called Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. Bill, this is Matt in the beginning. You said that you felt great. Why are you talking to me like we're

on the phone? Bill, this is Matt. Just come in, Bill. People know who you are. They don't know who I am. You should have said hello everyone. I'm Matt. Hello here with Bill. Jesus Christ, Bill. That's, there we go. In the beginning, you said that you felt great about being Conan's friend, but now I think he's completely out of his mind after spending an hour with him. You don't want to be his friend. Once the HD makeup's gone, you really look into his soul, which you can see because he's a redhead like me with transparent. You also said you wanted to be his best friend. His best friend. I said that you did say that. Yeah. Do you still feel that way? No, I think I just always wanted an older redheaded older

brother who didn't beat the shit out of me because he related. My older brother had brown hair, so he didn't have any. There was no empathy. Is that where your desire to have the brown hair look came from? No. It was the ass kickings, the inordinate amount of ass kickings that I was getting just because I was there as opposed to the fact that I actually did something deserving of it. I really sound like a feminist right now. I just feel like if I had brown hair, all the doors would fly open and no one would be mean to me. I love trash and feminists. You know why? You don't have to use bait. They just jump in the boat. They're the easiest people to upset. If I could do an entire tour of women's

colleges, it would be my favorite year of stand-up ever. Why don't you? I don't know. You know what? Maybe I'll pitch that. Every night I'll just put the video up. Do you want to be Conan's friend? Do you want to be Conan's friend? You're really harping on this. This is weird. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not sure yet. All right. I don't feel good. I felt great about the ending of the real podcast. This aftermath, I don't feel good about. I feel like you just got some sort of information out of me and I'm going to walk through a false panel here and I'll never see my kid again. All right. What is that button? Is that some sort of Freemason thing next to your pocket? God, it's just a button. All right. You okay?

I am fine, but you know, I was in a much better mood a minute ago. So I want you to know, I don't mean this in a bad way, but I want you to go fuck yourself. I understand. I want you to stop doing this to guess because this isn't right. Okay. This is going to, you know, what did he hire you to do? Crete people out before they went into traffic. I don't understand you as a person. Maybe it's because you have brown hair and you can't relate. But didn't you just say that you should not try to assimilate into my world and appropriating my pigmentless culture? Didn't you say to leave those people alone? Oh, the people with the brown hair that did not begrudge them. The you're not a good looking guy. I didn't

say I was. I was talking about good looking people. I didn't say I was. You look like that guy in the coming of age movie that they do the makeover on. You know what I mean? Back in the 80s. No, I don't. You do. No, I know. I don't know what you mean. I'm not. Oh, you don't argue. Well, I'm old. Okay. You remember the Andrews sisters? Yeah. You look like they're manager. You look like they're manager. Wow. That was the biggest insult from the 1940s. You want to go back another decade because I'll do it. I guess. I'm kidding. Anyways, thank you for having me on, Matt. I'll see you at home. Yeah. Now it's time to listen to some voicemails from some fans and answer some questions.

I await with anxiety. Okay. This next question is about your staff. Conan, what is your favorite part of messing with your staff? Hope to hear back. Thanks. Bye. Wow. That's a good question. My favorite part of messing with my staff. To be completely honest, it's every kid's fantasy to sort of be all powerful. You know what I mean? Kids tie a cape around their neck and they think they're Superman and they jump off a balcony. I have this little world, a little Willy Wonka factory, and I'm Willy Wonka. If you're going to be at the Willy Wonka factory, be Willy Wonka. It's great. I walk around and I say all these crazy things and no one can... I'm very silly. I speak in like a fake language that I've made up.

I call everybody chopper. I refuse to call them by the name, hey, they're a chopper. What's up, they're a chopper. Looking good, they're a chopper. I kick open doors instead of opening them regularly. There's a couple of the writers that I wrestle. It's madness. My favorite thing to do with you is when you're holding a cookie that you just got downstairs in the green room. I hate this. You're so happy with it. As I'm walking by, I crumble the cookie and one move and you always say... You dick. I say you dick. I call you a dick. In front of everyone and everyone laughs. We all enjoy it. In fairness, I do then come back and help you pick up the pieces of crumbled cookie. No, you don't. You're right. I've

never done that. No, you've never done that. You did that this week. I was holding a package of Oreos I was really excited about. You know what it is? I see how excited you are. I'm not kidding. You get so excited about a pack of Oreos. It's the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow and only you just found it. Then I reach over and I crush it. That'd be fair. You could still pour that over the top of an ice cream cone. Yeah, but I want my full Oreos. You took that experience away from me. I don't do this all the time, but it's just fun to be a madman who's in charge of an insane little kingdom. Yes. I enjoy it. An absolute power does corrupt absolutely. I'm saying that is a good thing. Okay. This

next question is about sports. Conan just wanted to know what a celebrity really gets you heated when it comes to sports. I know you're a big Boston fan. Who did you get pissed off at? All right. Have a good one, man. He seemed to get dispirited at the end of his message. Yeah. He said his thing and then he was like, huh? Well, all right, man. I felt like his spirit leave his body. That's a good one. I have to say it. There's no specific celebrity like a team gets hot and then they're in the playoffs and suddenly these celebrities that you never associated with that team start showing up. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't have a specific name, but I've just noticed I'll be watching TV and the brewers

will be in the all the brewers for the first time or in the world series. This is really exciting. And let's say there's Carmen Electra in the front row. What? Where has she been? She loves her brewers. Where is she from? She's from Las Vegas, Nevada and she loves her brewers and she's got a new show called Electra doing it to the Jam Jam. That's a terrible title. You should tell her that. It's her title. Do you know what I mean? You're just watching it and, well, the brewers. It's so exciting. Everyone's excited here in Milwaukee and there's Dame Judy Dench. She's in the front row and she's trying to lead the wave. Dame Judy Dench says she's loved the brewers since she was a little girl growing up at Hogwarts. What? Just nonsense. I don't like

celebrities and I hate it on Fox when they're trying to promote a show. Have you noticed this? They're trying to promote a show and Fox will have the world series and the camera just happens to find the entire cast of the new show and the show hasn't even come on the air yet. And they'll be like, well, we're back with some big baseball. What do we have here? It's Willem Dafoe and Christy Brinkley and seven kids who play their children from the cast of Fox is All New. Get up there. Jump, jump. People don't travel around together that are on a sitcom. That's never happened. What's next? Oh, let's do number six. Okay, this bothers me because you seem really excited about question number six. Conan, can you please let me know if you bought

Sona a new car because you destroyed hers and it's only fair. Thanks. Bye. I love this question. For those of you who don't know, on the air, I noticed that Sona's car is a little dilapidated. It's a Jetta. And how old is it? 11 years old. 11 years old. And I think it has over 900,000 miles on it. It has 160,000 miles on it. It's been to Mars and back four times and looks like it actually looked like it burned up during reentry on one of those trips. It's in rough shape that car. And so we went looking for a new car for you. And I thought, you know, it's supposed to be funny. It's a funny segment. It's not funny if I buy you a nice car. I would have enjoyed it. You would have enjoyed it, but you wouldn't have laughed and people watching it

wouldn't have laughed. So I found you the least expensive car I could find. I think we paid and I'm not kidding, $50 for this car. And I gave it to you. So I did give you a car. Now, granted, it looks like a family of nine was murdered in the back seat. There's just torn up a pollster and you wouldn't even get in it. No, I hate it. Describe the car. It was smelly. It was completely just just stained inside. Weird stains too. So many weird stains that don't look normal. No. It was, I think most of the time they brought it, they had to push it. It was just, it didn't really work. It didn't work. I had it pushed out onto television and presented to you. And it was funny. I think what this woman's alluding to

is that earlier in this segment, we investigated your car and I may have pulled a few things off the car. You broke things. I broke a few things. But then did I not fix most of them? No, actually, no, you did not. No, you ripped the sunglass holder out and it broke. And now it is broken. So that is not fixed. So that's something in fairness I should probably pay for. Yeah. Well, here's what I, a lot of people have asked me if you bought a new car. I think they think that on air you presented me with this crappy car. But then after, when we went to commercial, you open and you're like, here's a great new practical car for you that I got you because I ruined yours. Wait, what am I suddenly, Ellen? That's what I, that's what I tell you.

What am I Oprah? No, that would be stealing their idea of being, giving people nice things. I can't do that. I refuse to infringe on their territory. I've carved out my own thing, which is I don't give anybody anything. I'm sorry. It's just funny to me. Look under your seats, ladies and gentlemen, and there's nothing there. It's Conan's week of nothing. Well, seven days till Christmas, you get nada. That amuses me. And I think I give the ultimate gift, laughter. Hello, where'd you go? You still here? Why don't you just do this? Because this would be in keeping with your style. Why don't you order me a new car and then have it delivered to your house? Because you've done that with plenty of things, haven't you, Sona? Should we do another

question? Sure. Hey, Conan, this keeps me up at night. I just want to know who your favorite Pokemon is. Thank you. Oh, definitely Shaikadoo. What? Shaikadoo. Is Shaikadoo a Pokemon? Yeah, he looks sort of like a watermelon, but he's got four eyes. I don't know anything about Pokemon. Yeah, Shaikadoo. I love Shaikadoo. I like Bibliac. Okay. Stroz. Wait, what was that? Yes, Pratya. I love Haiku, Toshishipa. Okay. GimGam. I like GimGam. GimGam is a clam that's covered in chocolate and it has sneakers. It's... Hakataka is my favorite. I like Hakataka. He's a little sailor's cap that has six legs and it wears a wristwatch. Hakataka. Totally do. I like totally do. Totally do is probably the best. It's the body of a worm

and then it's the head of a 1970s game show host. I don't need to know real characters because I can do this all day and all night. You know I can. I do and I actually was... I thought they were real. Rokopu. I love Rokopu. Rokopu is a toothbrush that's from Russia and it wears a tweed suit. Rokopu. You wear the toothbrush? Yeah. I'll do this as long as you want to do it. Can we make it stop? I am a bottomless well of fake Pokemon characters because you know what? And kids, if you're listening out there, if you can't make it in this life, fake it in this life, I know very little but I know how to just talk. Hikiti. It's a toilet seat with a mustache. It drives a little Volkswagen bug. Hikiti.

I'll do this till the cows come home, which reminds me of Goglihu. Goglihu is a cow who's coming home and he's dressed like an astronaut and he's lactose intolerant, which is rough if you're a cow. The cow is? Why would you do this? Why would you revisit any of this? Why would you go back to the scene of the crime? It's best just to move on. You think that guy's going to be satisfied with my answer? I think I spent his life thinking about this crap and here I am, you know? It's not right. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan

O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever find podcasts or download. This has been a Team Coco Production in association with Eewolf.