Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Bill Burr Live from the SiriusXM Garage

Episode Date: November 9, 2022

Comedian Bill Burr joins Conan live from the SiriusXM Garage to discuss his new film Old Dads, shingles, and laughing at what you can’t change. Plus, Conan takes audience questions about what he misses most about Boston, being a comic in another era, and more.  Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

This special live episode from the garage at Sirius XM is sponsored by Chevy. I had a Chevy truck once. You did? Yeah, it was vintage. It was 1952. I had a 1952 Chevy and it was a green, sort of a farm machinery green. That's really cool. It was such a great truck.

It was an electric. No, it was not because it was built in 1952. Okay. But yes. That was great. It was fun, but it's time to move into the future. It is. Yeah.

Electric vehicles. Chevy is all over it. Chevy has EVs. That's what I call electric vehicles. EVs for everyone. I coined that phrase. No, you didn't. They make electric vehicles for every kind of life stage and every kind of budget.

Here's the idea. Chevy's the brand for the people. So we bring our show to the people. That's a cool thing that you did. Yeah. The people on stage and the people at home. We're the people on stage. That's right.

Did you figure that out yourself, or did you get help? Yeah. No, Chevrolet has always been, of course, trusted with transportation needs for the last 100 years. Can you believe that? What? Chevy's always been there for you before. Who better to take care of you in the next phase of electric vehicles?

I can't thank anybody. No. If you want to know more about the Chevy EV lineup, head to chevrolet.com slash Conan. Wow. What a crowd. Thank you. Thank you very much. I can see all 11 of you.

This is thrilling. No, please, seriously, have a seat. There's not enough of you to make a standing ovation exciting. This looks like a waiting room at, like, a well-to-do vets office, you know? Some of you are holding cats. You're just waiting. You're just waiting. But it's very nice.

I'm really thrilled that you're here. I'm going to get the show started, and the way to do that is to bring out my assistant. Usually we do it with Matt Gorley as well. He couldn't be here today. Well, I'm actually, I know you're here for Gorley. Oh, you have the chill chums fan. Oh, you really are here for Gorley. Oh, I thought I was saying something funny, and apparently I hit you right where you live.

Gorley couldn't be here. Yeah, he's off at a pork pie hat convention. He's, yeah, he's off at one of his little things that he likes to do that comes way before us, but he will be here next time. I'm sure you'll get to meet Gorley. Or you could go to Pasadena and meet him right now. He's probably at a flea market buying something none of us wants. But let me bring out the true star of the show, in my opinion, my assistant who does

absolutely nothing. Sonam of Sassian. Let's get Sonam here. What awkward body language. You treat me like I'm your captor. That was a terrible intro for me, by the way. What do you mean? What was wrong with you?

Here's my assistant who does absolutely nothing. Well, okay. What have you done for me, like, in the last three weeks? Tick, tock, tick. No, I guess, you know, it's, it's cool. It's cool. You're taking care of these twin boys and I pay you very well. And that's, I don't know why I got tricked into that situation because that is on me.

So I can't complain about it and I do love your children. I really do. But they're getting in the way of your work. My children. Yeah. Anyway, that's not what we're talking about here. And we can't just keep muttering at each other, passive aggressively. We do this thing on the podcast and what's crazy is we always did it in real life too.

We were doing this 13 years ago when I had real work to do. I'd be like, well, anyway, I'm right. So I guess I went that argument. You're right. Well, you're stupid. So you were wrong. So anyway, anyway. Let's hang up.

Okay. Whatever. Okay. Hang up. Okay. I'm right. I'm right. No one knows you.

Okay. I'm the only ones. And we would do that. And I would literally go like, anyway, I went and hang up. And then the phone would ring and she'd be like, I went and hang up. And it was stupid. It was so stupid. It was so stupid at the time.

Oh. Everyone's laughing really hard. No, they weren't really laughing. It was more of an awkward sadness descended over the crowd as I tried to pass that off. I know it's okay. I was born in 1988. You know that? No, no.

You weren't though. I'm sorry, 1888. There we go. We, I want to talk about something that happened in my life. Would you say that I am a prompt person? You are. You're very prompt. You don't like being late.

I don't like being late. The whole time for this show was 330 here at Sirius XM. And I'm always someone that checks my apps to make sure how long is it going to take to get there. I want to get there at 330. So there's time to get some makeup on because I need the makeup as you can attest. This crowd is, you saw me close up, right? Some of you backed away and said, what's wrong with that pumpkin?

That's a pumpkin from last Halloween. Oh, no. It's rotting quickly in the autumn sun. Anywho, I like to be here on time and guys like to get the makeup. I like to relax, do my, do my stretches, whatever I need to do to get into the space to do this podcast that I love doing so much. I check my app about two o'clock and it said, or whatever quarter to two, and it said, oh, plenty of times can take you like half an hour to get there because I live on the other

side of town. Okay, great. Yeah. I'm going to be here for 40 minutes. Then I'm taking my time. I leave that amount of, I leave plenty of time. I want to actually get here early. I get in my car and I check and it says it's going to take an hour and 28 minutes to get

there. And it suddenly changed. I didn't know what happened. I'm trying to get here and there's police all over the place and I start, I rolled down my window and addressed the policeman. I said, hey, kappa. No. That's weird.

That's a weird way to do that. I shouldn't have done that. That was wrong century. I said, excuse me, officer, what's going on? And he said, oh, there's a cougar that's roaming around in this area that's been sighted. And so we're shutting down all the streets until we can save. And we've called in wildlife people to make sure that the cougar is safely caught. And of course, the first thing I thought of was a woman about 58 with a white glass of

wine who's wandering around this part of Los Angeles and there's guys in helicopters trying to fire blow darts at her tranquilizer. But her tolerance, she's probably got like nine darts, but her tolerance for white wine is so strong that she just sucks it right down. And every 25 year old man is like hiding behind closed doors. Yeah. They're all up in the trees hiding. Oh no, here it comes.

Anyway, he said cougar, I don't know if it's a cougar, a bobcat, but it was roaming around and it kind of blew my mind because I thought I grew up on the East Coast in Massachusetts. A nature, no animal, I mean, a snowstorm would, but no animal ever affected my schedule. I don't think my schedule was ever altered in any way by an animal. That's something that can happen here in LA. I've got to get somewhere, oh, yeah, but a bear has different ideas or a bobcat or a giant hawk descended on the highway and tore someone's face off. We've got to close everything down for a while.

That's something I dreamed when I did acid. That's not a real thing that happened. Is a cougar, or yeah, is it that bad? I think they were trying to look after the cougar, but also he said there's a school near here. Oh, and I thought, guys got to eat, you know. Oh man. Well, I'm sorry.

Did you say I really have to get to Sirius XM? I said, officer, officer, I'm a celebrity. I know these others have to wait around, but I'm a celebrity with a podcast, you see. So I would like it if you gave me an escort. I really would love it. I've always wanted, it's just enraged people. But if I could get, you know, the only thing you see in movies, sometimes someone takes a siren and just a guy who's in a regular looking car.

He gets a call because he's undercover or something. And he just puts that siren on top of his car and I've always wanted one of those and put it on the car and start barreling through traffic and people get out of the way. And then someone at one point be like, what the fuck? And I'd say, celebrity, can you imagine how mad people would be at me? And rightfully so. I mean, you know what I mean? Yeah, no, I would be mad at you because it's the shittiest thing someone could possibly

do, but I'm obsessed with what's the worst thing I could do. And in that moment, when everyone else was respectfully waiting for the cougar, I wanted to go, I'm coming through celebrity podcaster. Well, you would have been here on time. Yeah. Well, I still, I don't think anyone knew anything was up. Okay. You know, the crowd probably thought, okay, we're starting just a couple of minutes late.

Conan's no spring chicken. They probably got to do some work on him. Oh my God. I don't think anybody thought that. Front row. They're thinking it. It's a really good look at me. Yeah.

No, I think you're fine. I still think it's an overreaction for a cougar, but I don't know. I live where there's bears and stuff. So I don't know. Have you seen a bear near your house? Yes. All the time. You act like he's, you come down and he's having coffee at your table.

Oh, I saw that. He knows my name. Oh yeah. Yeah. Sort of talks like Elmo, but not really. That was a terrible bear bling. It's pretty good. It's so not intimidating.

What do you think a bear would sound like? Like this. No. It's more up in this range right here. No, I think it's like, I'm a bear. Bears have a lot of berries and they've worn away the acid and the berries and they've worn away this back part of his throat. Hey, so not, do you have, this is fine, but you have almond milk.

Regular milk. It kind of triggers a reaction. It's not bad. He's lactose intolerant. He's lactose intolerant. I'm a lactose intolerant bear. Oh my God. Yeah.

Oh, that bear sucks. That's me. Yeah. Yeah. That bear sucks. Yeah. Well, anyway, we have a, we can't screw around today because we've got- Well, I think it's too late for that, to be honest.

I just did waste an incredible amount of time. Yeah, you did a whole bear impression. I want to talk about our guest. My guest today is a hilarious comedian who co-wrote, directed, and stars in the upcoming film, Old Dads. He's also currently touring the country on his Bill Burr, slight return tour. Tickets can be found at billburr.com. I'm thrilled he's here with us today.

Bill Burr, let's get him out here. All right, there you go. That worked well with you. Hey, Kappa. I'm trying to get to my podcast. That's the beginning of the podcast. Yeah. My name is Bill Burr, and I feel, I feel all right about being Conan's friend.

I feel all right with that. That is such a Massachusetts attitude to have. I feel all right. Well, I didn't see the last half of it. I thought it was, how was I feeling? Oh. I didn't know it was about, oh, it was about you. Oh, it's about Conan, everybody.

Hi. My name is Bill Burr, and I feel so special about being Conan O'Brien's friend. You're terrible. I mean, it is such a short list. A lot of people want a Grammy, some people want an Emmy, not me. I just want to be Conan's friend. Oh, well. It finally happened.

Well, it didn't happen yet. He used to tell me years ago. We got to see how it goes, how the podcast goes. You told me years ago there wasn't enough room for two redheads in this town. I tried to out-ginger me. Yeah. Yeah, well, it's true. I was going to tell you that your fame is such that I was talking to, you know, we talked

to fans once a week, and we just released an episode today where I talked to a fan who's in Tehran in the middle of what's happening there. I know that guy. Yeah. It's the same thing as growing up in Boston anyway. But I was talking to him, and he was telling us all of this really intense stuff that's happening in Tehran. And then at one point he said, but Conan, when things calm down, I'd love it if you

came here and visited me and I said, well, would I be welcome? Like kind of like would your parents know who I am? And he said, oh, all I have to do is tell them this guy's really funny and he's from Boston. He's got red hair. And my parents will say, we love Bill Burr. And then he went, zing. And this is a guy who's in the middle of a terrible revolution and a terrible situation,

but took the time to use you to zing me and then said zing. And this is from Tehran, which I thought was pretty impressive. I liked it. I liked that he said zing. That probably added an extra sting to it. If he just sort of gave you shit, you would have taken that. But the fact that he went zing and went like old timey with it, I don't know. I feel like that got into your skin.

It did. Like you're like, I know what a zing is. You don't need to say that. I've been doing zings for 30 years. I almost didn't release the tape of him. Yeah. But what if it is such a terrible thing like, no, this is a great, you know, message from someone in the middle of a historic, you know, turbulent time and he needs to get the word

out. And I'm like, yeah, we're not releasing it. Why not? He's zinged me. You know, just be so small of me. I'd be such a small person to do that. I'm already thinking, wondering if they have a funny bone in Iran or whatever. Iraq?

Is that what you, Iraq? No, it's Iran. Oh, is it Iran? That's brutal. I just said, what are you, a Yankees fan? It's like, no, Red Sox. I actually did a gig in Tel Aviv. It was beautiful.

You know, just to be over there and not give a shit in a way. You could just be like, what are you guys, what are you arguing about? It's nice. Yeah. What is the problem? Well, wait, you've given this no thought. Bill, we are friends and I do, I think you're fantastic, but you've given it no thought that does not in any way get to the heart of the matter of what's happening in Israel.

Tel Aviv, it looks nice. What's the problem? No, but it all comes back to like the, you know, religion. It's stupid. No. They live in a, it's gorgeous there. Like just living over here, you just picture everything's all bombed out and there's machine gun holes and everything.

And it wasn't, it was, it was amazing. It was relaxing. I mean, there was something going on, you know, down the street, near the wall, you know. Oh, those Jesus freaks, they're always upset about something. You haven't thought, we stayed out of that and we were up. Why aren't you working for the embassy? That's my question, Bill, why, why are you, why are you not an ambassador?

It shocks me that we don't send you over there. This place looks good. What's happening with those guys down by the, what is that, a wall, the wailing wall? Is that what it is you go, don't ask me what it is, you start crying and you're leaving like notes in there. Oh, it's silly for adults to be doing that. No. Okay.

Well, I'm going to distance myself from you now as much as I can. I'm thinking of constructing a wall right here. You know what? I'm going to build something right here right now. Listen, I agree with you that I never think there's a reason for people to kill each other. I agree with you there. Why do you have athletic souls on your wingtips? I just noticed that.

You never know. I just noticed that. These are beautiful. You know? Wingtip shoes. I don't know what it is. I'm going to take these off now. These are beautiful wingtip shoes and then at the bottom, they just have a little like

a rubber grip. Yeah. In case a pickup game of hoop. You just can take off his tie. All right. Well, you never know. You never know what might happen. Someone would pick you on the team, all right.

Is this, does this look absurd to all of you? Oh, wait. Thank you, sir. Thank you for, for, for leaping to my defense. Well, that whole, that whole group over there still thinks it looks stupid. I think. I think he did too. He just wants to be your friend.

There was too much emotion. You think this looks stupid? He's like, no. It's like, it didn't require that level. We're talking about souls that should be, yeah, that's fine. That's where it should have been. Well, anyway. I think.

Gold toe socks. I think these. I'm a banker. What are you, a sitcom dad in the 50s? Honey, I'm home. Hello, everybody. I got a new, I got a new company car. Listen, that's great to be white.

I say that every morning when I wake up, as all the white people do. Yeah. Yeah. You know that non-white people, you know, the government gives us free gold toe socks once a month just for being white. They just fucking hand them out. Remember us? Come election time.

There have been times when those socks got me through some really rough periods when Uncle Sam sends them my way. Makes you feel successful. It does. Actually. I feel good about these shoes. When your wife makes a good point, do you take off your shoes and point to your socks? Just be like, do you think every guy walks around with these?

Huh? Gold on his toes. That's how you've got his toes. You think that's how I win arguments with my wife? You think that's how I win? That's what I'm down to. You point to something you're wearing that you're proud of to win an argument with your wife.

I get along great with my wife now. I just basically, I just, I don't die on every hill now. I just go, all right, you know, even if it makes no fucking sense to me, I just think like, you know what, it's just going to be an argument I'm going to give in and then we're going to do this dumb shit anyway. So why not just act like I want to do it, you know, and it keeps the peace. I slowly die inside, but as we're doing it, I don't need you to act like you care. You know what?

Honestly, I don't really. I'm sorry. I know. So I, yeah. Yeah. You sound like you're watching a rescue dog commercial. Aw. Aw.

You want one? No, no, I work too much. So. Bass it. Bill. Well, I'm sure your wife is always right too. Just. You know, I don't know.

She is right a lot of the time. She is. See how that works? Very nice. You just, you just agree with them. Do you talk like this? Have you got an ear grin? Have you done, have you done couples counseling?

Have you ever done that? No. Because you can't talk this way. And you can talk this way to your therapist, but you can't sit there with your wife and say, look, I just pretend what she's saying, which is fucking crazy, makes sense. And a little part of me dies inside. Let's all go get cookies. You know, you can't talk like that.

No, you can't do that because then you make that person laugh and then as much as they fight it, they're on your side. I know what you're talking about. You've done that. Yeah. Yeah. If you can get. I've never gone to couples therapy.

Somebody told me like that's everybody he knew that went to couples therapy immediately got divorced afterwards. No, that's not true. Well, I didn't. I'm just repeating what somebody else said. Like I said, I didn't come up with terrible. I'm a couples counselor in my own way. I just think we need to encourage people.

The world was flat. Sorry. Well, until I see real evidence. It is. It's like a cereal bowl. Evidently we're looking, looking down into it. Right. Have you talked to someone who believes the earth is flat?

Do you know what you would say to them? Would they be swayed by pictures from space? Or does that not mean anything to someone who believes here? It's all done in a studio, man. They do it open. Perfect. Um, no, uh, what would I would depend on the situation? Right.

If it was at night and we were by ourselves and I didn't know him and he just approached me, then I'd be, I would just be like, Oh yeah. You know what? Yeah. I think you're right. I would just agree with them and make them leave. They probably wouldn't. He probably his eyebrows would go up in excitement that he found somebody else that agreed with

his way of seeing the world. Right. And then I couldn't get rid of them. It's quite a conundrum. You'd be with this person for the rest of your life. They'd be a good friend. Well, what was bad was when I got into conspiracy theory about the banks and the Federal Reserve was you met so few of those.

And then those other people with, with their, they just thought because you believed that those guys were a problem that you then thought the world was flat and all this other stuff. It's like, no, I don't, I don't think that I just think this stuff over there. And then they would look at you like you were a sellout. Like there was, there seemed to be like no middle ground with conspiracy theory. You had to be all in with shape shifters and lizard people. It's just like, no, I'm just saying the Federal Reserve. It's, you know, right.

You thought you were saying you think in some ways our economic system might be a little game. A lot of Ponzi scheme. Yeah. And a lot of people agree with you and they thought, well, because that's a conspiracy theory, you're in on everything. Every single thing. Yeah.

I thought we didn't land on the moon and stuff like that. So then I, you know, yeah, I used to call them the eyebrow raised people because then they come up to like, you know what else? So I just sort of like, you know, my thoughts to myself. Yeah. I want to talk to you about this, this project, this movie that you're working on because it's a, it's something that you and I have talked about because we are friends. We have dined together.

We've hung out. Our wives have hung out. Just with big chalices and candelabras. We did. I had a suit of armor brought in and put in the corner. But, but you're talking about this movie that you've made is a subject that's near and dear to your heart. It's about being dads, older dads, old dads, old dads.

There was something that came about by, you know, not getting my shit together and having kids really late in life. Like I'm 54, my kids are five and two. And I didn't realize like how much the world had changed like my daughters in kindergarten now. And I was in kindergarten 50 years ago. So just the whole way that they teach like everything, literally, I'd be like, oh, you're on the jungle gym.

And she'd be like, it's called the structure. And then I'd be like, yeah. And then I'd be like, oh my God, I said jungle. Am I, you know, did I have said borderline racist now? Like what did I just say? I just started freaking out and, you know, just sort of it lives sort of in that world. And then also all of this, this world now of where, you know, you, you go back into somebody's Twitter account eight years and find a bad tweet.

And they're like, this is who this guy is. This guy's an asshole. And it's like, I always looked at it like you had to go back eight years before this guy was an asshole. That's an amazing like Lou Gehrig run of not being an asshole. If you went seven years like this, I was totally cool. But in 2014, oh, that one random Wednesday, he was really in a mood. Yeah.

And, and it was just weird. Someone who I, you know, I lean left. I'm not a hundred percent left. It's sort of like, you know, I just thought that whole era was really fascinating to watch people like just trying to just sort of ruin people. Like I understood the beginning of it when they were going after these monstrous people, but then it just became this, this, you know, like these tiki-tak misdemeanors bullshit. And they would just like, just burn them down.

It was like a Frankenstein movie. Like they were all coming up the fucking hill. So it's sort of, you know, subtly lives in that world too. Right. And, and, and, you know, one of the things that I relate to you on is we both come from, like I say, a similar part of the country. I'm a little bit older than you. And, but I do relate very much.

When you talk about being a dad, you often relate it to when you were contrasted with when we were kids and that's something that hits home with me because, you know, I had kids later in life and they're now their teenagers. But in the early stages, I remember thinking this does not resemble the childhood that I have in any way. Yeah. You know, because first of all, the, the fact that so much care and attention is spent on each child was something that was, no, I'm not saying that I love my parents, but it was a different attitude. There were six of us.

And I remember very clearly at any given time, if you asked my mother, my father, you know, where's Conan, they'd be like, I don't know, you know, he's, you know, you know, no one knew exactly where you were. They just sent you outside. Like that was a lot of it. They just sort of sent you outside and you went out and you just met other kids your age and came up with stuff to do when you were outside and then eventually you ran into older kids and then they just beat the shit out of you.

And then you came up like that. I did a cartoon for Netflix called efforts for family. One of the first episodes is a scene where the young me and his friend are up in a tree and these guys start throwing rocks at us and shooting fireworks. And that was based on a true story. There wasn't fireworks, but it was just me and a friend of mine were climbing trees. We're just climbing a tree because that's what you did before. There was no internet.

That was like, that was going online, climbing a tree and risking your life. So we climbed up this tree and these bigger kids came by and they saw us up there and they just started throwing rocks at us until their arms got tired. We're up there like crying, getting hit the ankles and in the back. And then you just climbed down the tree and then those guys were households. This is why you think Tel Aviv is so nice. It was nice. It's relative to my childhood.

No one's thrown a rock at me in 10 minutes. But I remember that, and I bring this up because the minute that my daughter could drive or my son could drive, my wife would check and she could show me on the phone where they were. And I thought that just blows my mind. It's like J. Edgar Hoover. Yeah, it doesn't feel right to me that we are that accountable all the time. And sometimes I wonder if I'm just jealous of, there's a different, there's like a care and attention. Oh, I see what you mean.

Do you know what I mean? And I wonder because when I watch your comedy, when I watched you at Red Rocks and you're talking about, anytime you're talking about your child or your dad, how the house was tense or there was anger, people weren't dealing with things appropriately. I think, yeah, I know what you're talking about was an era. And I think I sometimes when I'm seeing my family and my wife's handling everything so beautifully, for some reason I become enraged. No, I get that.

Why? Where was it? What do you mean? You're looking him in the eye and talking to them? What is this? I get that. I remember this one time being in like a grocery store or something like that. And I saw this, this kid, he started crying about something in his mother went over and started hugging him and comforting him.

And I immediately, I just felt this urge to go over and trip this little kid. And then another time, I remember the grocery store because that's where a lot of, you know, moms have like the kids and stuff and this kid was going like, hey mom, can I have candy? And she was just like, no. And then he started crying and it made me laugh. I was going to be like, yeah, I get used to that kid. So you enjoy the unhappiness and pain of a child. I thought I did, but what I realized it had nothing to do with the kid.

That was just me with all of my bullshit. I was jealous of the kid who was getting hugged. And then I was laughing at the other kid because I related like, I remember a long time ago, I saw a sling blade when it was in the movie theater. And I remember when, when, when he zoomed that guy out of the house in the wheelchair, he's like, get out of my fucking house. And he zoomed him out. The guy was all helpless.

I roared with laughter. And I remember I was with these, these, these actors that I was working on stuff and they looked at me in this horrified way. Right. And I couldn't explain it. You had to be a comedian to understand like, I think actors and comedians, they process pain differently. Right.

Where actors, I think are more like examining it where comedians, you just pave it over and it's like, you're just laughing. Not cause you're happy that happened to someone in a wheelchair. You're just laughing. Just how fucking mean it was. I told you about this. That one time my wife was on the plane with me and she, we were going somewhere far.

So she had like a tablet and I started watching a movie and she had fallen asleep and I was, I was watching a movie and I was laughing so hard. I woke her up and then she, you know, when you don't know what somebody's laughing at and you just start laughing, she's like, what are you laughing at? And I was trying to hide it and she looked and I was watching precious. Oh my God. Oh my God. It was literally, oh my God.

Some shit, it just gets so mean. It's just so mean. It pushes you into comedy again. She was, the mother said something so fucking mean and then they just cut to her face and she was, she was so sad. I just, I mean, I'm not going to lie. Being honest, I was wheezing. I was literally like laying in the eye.

So I was laughing so hard. The woman I didn't know on the other side of my wife was laughing and then my wife started punching me in the shoulder. I just gave her like the tablet. No, she's one of my favorite things. Great if you were a movie critic. My wife was such a big heart and we're always watching TV and she's forever getting teared up and I am laughing my ass off.

Like she used to watch The Biggest Loser and these fat people would be crying. I can't. About all the cookies and burgers they were eating. And they were crying like they lost a dog or something. And she would be crying with them and I would just be laughing my ass off. So, so. No, most of the world is starving. That's why.

I went to like India and I saw this level of poverty that I just maybe when I would adopt every kid over here and then you just come back to America and they see slovenly feel, I just can't stop eating oreos. And it was just so fucking hilarious. Oh, oh, this won't air. No, and then it's like. I can't do this. This won't come out.

And then what it is is because my wife gets. No one will ever hear this. My wife gets mad at me for laughing. It makes it like. Dude, I have worse ones than that. I got worse ones. You might as well get it out now because we're. I can't say this one to protect people.

You guys aren't going to laugh at this one because you're told you're not supposed to. No, no, that's not this crowd. Dude beat the shit out of his girlfriend. Right. Well, you're off to a good start. You know how to get a crowd. You had them. You had them.

You're like, yeah, I can top that. I have to go. You're supposed to watch the news. Am I supposed to be going for the whole time? Or you can laugh. I mean, it's a choice. I have to go. How does it help me?

Okay. I want to hear you pull this out. So my wife was so sad about it that I had to make a joke because I wasn't mature enough to be sad with her. Right. So I was going like, what do you think she said? What do you think that last thing she said, right? Exactly.

So she gets all mad, right? She got really mad. Why did she marry you? She's lovely. I've met her. She's wonderful. Then like a week later, my mother-in-law comes over, right? The fucking story comes on the news.

And after the story is over, she goes, I know I shouldn't say this. My wife goes, Mom, don't say it. And she just goes, I wonder what the last thing she said. And I died laughing. My mother-in-law died laughing. And my wife started out of the room. Yeah. But at the end of the day, neither one of us beat her up.

So like, she can't hear us laugh. I'm not happy that that happened. I didn't understand what the fucking news is. It's just like, hey, here's a bunch of shit you can't fix that happened that was horrible. Do you know what my gym? At my gym, they literally play CNN. And it's just the whole state of Californians on fire, school shootings and shit. It's like, I'm coming in, get away from this shit.

I'm on a fucking elliptical. And I got to watch people's houses burning down. Right, right. How long are you supposed, you're trying to make this seem like three hours on the elliptical? So we should be showing like, I don't know, dumb and dumber. I think this is going good, Cone. I think it's going really well. I think it's going great.

I think it's going great. And I think, you know, you're talking about things people are afraid to say. But a lot of us, we derive some joy from the pain of others. We just do. And pretend we don't. Scheidenfreude is Scheidenfreude. Sorry, that's Jerry Lewis. But it's true.

It's true. And I just relate to you on that level of growing up. You know you do. I do. I know you laugh at the news. There's like, I listen. Well, I don't. I'm also not comfortable that I can laugh at the news.

Wait, what does that mean? It doesn't mean anything. It's just justifying my horrible behavior. Even you raise enough money for good causes. I don't. People just ask me to come down and do them. So I just go down and do them. And then I feel like that's good enough for the karma.

And that I can watch the news the way I want to watch the news. Now, what about when you're doing your sets in a comedy club? Have you do you have people that get into it with you that say, OK, you've crossed the line. I don't like this. Or they mostly. At this point, people are common because they like what I do. But like before I got to a certain point.

Yeah, I had a lot. Had a lot of those. I remember some woman, I said something about animals. And I remember she got so mad at me and she came up. You know, I was selling my DVD. So long ago this was. And I know she got into it with me about this stupid joke. And then I remember she was so proud of herself in the end.

She goes, you know, just to let you know, she goes, I'm a card-carrying member of PETA. Like she got a degree or something. And I was just like, what is that? Like 25 bucks? You just sort of paid your way into that. And how'd that go over? For me, it was fun.

It was like, that was one of my favorite things is when people would get mad. And then they would like yell at you. They would do all kinds of weird shit. I remember I pissed off this one guy. I think I was in Texas and I said something liberal that he didn't like. And he came up afterwards and he shook my hand and I shook his hand. And he just goes, I just paid. He showed you.

No, and I just laughed. I didn't give a fuck. I also was a really angry guy. And the shit I used to say was just a lot of it was fucking, you know, I don't know what it was. And I remember a lot of times people dragging people out. Like people didn't give a fuck. We're dragging somebody out who was yelling at me.

My favorite thing was the person, this guy who wanted to beat the shit out of me during the show and they threw him out in classic comedy club security. The guy gets back in to beat the shit out of me. He stood in the line at the DVD waiting to beat the shit out of me. He's very patient. And he's a rule follower. Yes. So I had to go bounce like that guy, third guy down.

That guy's going to punch me in the face when it's his turn. Can you go over there and get rid of him? Yeah, there was, you know, there was a lot of that type of stuff, you know. I don't know. I referenced the Red Rock special because that's the last one I've seen you do. You have another one coming out, right? Do you have another special coming out or that's going to be it for a while? Yeah, that'll be it.

That'll be it for a while. I don't really like where my act is right now. I'm trying to, it's too much of this, not enough of this. So I always have to have like that balance of annoying people and then sort of also being like, all right, I'm an idiot, you know. Yeah. But I think, and this is worth talking about, like I know over COVID, I ran into you came by.

It's still going Conan. Please, never existed. That's my little pet peeve. It's my little pet. Oh, I got the mask on. I got it really into vaccines during COVID. I can't stop getting them now. I just got the shingles one.

I got my second one. Do they make you, do they make you sick? The shingles one, the first time I felt a little weird. And then the second one, I had a little bit of a headache the next day. But like, did not have like shingles, whatever. I got those ones. I got those years ago when I was first starting out in LA. I got shingles.

And nightly, were you a ginger with shingles? Yeah. And guess what? I got them on my optic nerve. Oh, no. And so it just half my face, literally half because the nerves of your face are symmetrical, got swollen, and I was in excruciating pain and didn't have a, couldn't drive anything. What are you laughing?

Because I just pictured you in like a Batman movie, like being that face-off guy. His name's Too Face, not Face-Off. Too Face, right. Too Face. Too Face and shingles. I had. They're coming for Gotham. Half my face was completely, was red swollen.

And I couldn't, I couldn't. This is killing you, my pain. I'm just thinking to you, poor wife, you're just screaming and agonizing. No, I wasn't married. I was living alone. This is in LA, 1987. They had shingles back then. Yeah.

I think it started with me. I thought that was new. I was patient zero. And I walked. What, did you fuck a monkey or something? Well, that's not in your business. That's how shingles came about. Somebody finger banged him back.

And then went to sea world and got the Gotham pool. That goddamn Conan O'Brien could have kept his freckled fingers to himself. Let's just say I may or may not have finger fucked a bat. A bat. Okay. What you doing your own time? It was the mid-80s. Everything was, it's what people did.

First of all, it's a bat. It's still a mammal. Yeah. Right? So that's still within the Bible. Yeah. That's a better game. Man can fuck with mammal.

Yeah. Old Testament. Yeah. Wow. There's nothing about a man laying with another bat. The older New Testament. No, so yeah, I remembered walking because I had no one to drive me and I couldn't. I walked.

Lonely, unfamous Conan. I walked to Cedar Sinai Hospital. With shingles. It's my favorite thing ever. I'm the height I am now. But I was at some 6'4", but I weighed about 150 pounds. And half my face was, half my pumpkin head was swollen and deformed. And I was staggering down the street to Cedar Sinai.

And it hurt so much. I was dragging the foot going, I went to Harvard. I went to Harvard. Sunday, they'll put an athletic body on a wingtip too. And I shall own it. Just chunks of my face falling off. I'm still better than all of you. Oh, that always goes well.

I may be the farmed. Yeah, those were good times. You were probably weren't even born then. Yeah, I was. I was. I was laughing at you from afar. You were being loved and nurtured. I was.

I was one of the loved and nurtured kids. My parents didn't know what I was doing then. That's why you have the glow. I have a glow. Thank you. Yeah, because I wasn't neglected. Thank you. That's very sweet.

Well, guess what? Looking at your face is just like looking it in the mirror. When did the pilot light go out for you? When did you stop feeling feelings? I'm going to say 1977. I was about 81. Yeah. I remember that summer really well.

No, there is so much that comes from... It's funny now because I talk to people in my family and we talk about things that happened. And it's just like, it was a different time. It was a different time. And there was something about, I don't know, there's something about Boston that adds more spice to that stew. I swear to God.

Do you think that's true? I don't know what I have never been able to figure it out because the sort of abuse, not understanding that you were abusing your kids, that existed all the way across. It's processed different. The Midwest, I think they kind of just sort of like, oh, hey, okay, all right.

They kind of do that. But there's this rage underneath it that they don't let out. I don't know if it's because New York, Philly, Boston, they all sort of let it out in just these visceral way, just like volcanic explosions. And then no apology afterwards. And then there's some sort of sporting event that brings you back together. I've never been able to understand what it is,

but I am glad that I was brought up there because it does make you, I don't know, makes life easier. I feel like you can kind of, you know, watch the news and get some chuckles. I mean, yeah, I just can't imagine, like, you know, good-hearted people just going around caring all the time. Yeah, it's nice. It's called empathy. It's very sweet and nice.

I'm sorry. It's just cracking us up over here. It's just making us laugh. No, I like kids, animals. Are mine? No, no, no. I'm saying like, I have empathy for like kids and animals. Oh, okay. That's nice.

It's a nice start. That's a starter kit. It's something. That's a step in the right direction. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to. You know what? I'm old enough to, I'll never satisfy you. They step in the right direction.

They say that that is what would separate you from, say, a sociopath, a serial killer is that you care about animals. You care about children. So that's good. That's good news for you today. Because I've taken those polls. You ever see that poll? Are you a serial killer?

Are they tests? Yes, I have taken that test. It has not gone well. Yeah, exactly. I think it's worth questioning like, all right, let's say, do you laugh at the pain and misery of others? I think we got that one. If it's on TV and I don't like, look,

I'm trying to think of something. Yeah, no, I think I do. I saw that guy wipe out on his scooter. Oh, it was amazing. He's just all the guy. He's funny, though. Falling, people falling. Wait, an older man was on a what?

He's on a scooter? He's on a scooter. He was riding like a Harley and he like, he came whipping out. It was one of those, I was on the other side of the road and there was this concrete divider and he just, he was going too fast and he couldn't make the turn and he hit the concrete thing and he high sided and went like up and over, just like landed

and just slid on his face. Oh my God. And I had like, I had to stop my car, right? And I was the first guy there and he had rolled over on his back and I walked up to him and he was just unconscious. He's going like, It's like spitting teeth.

Get to the funny part. Oh my God. That's all the funny part is when this cop finally shows up. The guy was like fucking like 55. It's like, should he have been retired by now? When did you start becoming a cop and you're still driving a cruiser? No, he pulls up and just completely could give a fuck.

He just walked up to the guy. He has hands in his pockets and he just looked at him and he just goes, You all right? Yeah, it was. You'll relate to this. When I was a kid, I don't know if he ever saw this, but there was some Christian network.

Back then there was nothing on TV. There were a couple of channels. There was never anything good on. And there was this show that we used to watch that was made with sort of claymation puppets called Davy and Goliath. And they always supposed to have a good moral about how to behave.

Davy was a boy who would sometimes do naughty things and then he'd learn his lesson and it was put out by some association of ministers. I swear to God, my brothers and I would watch this because there was, you would flip the channel and they're bowling on one channel and there's a Catholic mass on the other channel. So you'd watch Davy and Goliath

because at least it was a story and there was some claymation. Anyway, Davy and Goliath go camping with the dad and the mom and Davy goes off and he sees a well or he sees a beautiful natural pond and he finds some paint, some raspberry paint and he pours it into the pond, turning it all bright red.

It was a big bucket. Yeah, huge bucket. It was a little pond. And then he's laughing. He says, look Goliath, I made a big thing of raspberry goop. And then the father comes in and yells at him and says, look what you've done

and all the animals are gathered around and they can't drink from this pond anymore because it's been ruined. My brothers and I were laughing so hard. We were crying. We were laughing so hard. I'm telling you, I understand exactly what you're talking about.

I think these animals ended up dying. And my brothers and I are on the floor laughing that Davy had said, look, I made a big thing of strawberry goop. It's terrible. I'm sorry. There's no reason to apologize. There were claymation animals.

No, there is. Like nobody died. There is. Did you ever pour raspberry paint into a pond? No, I saw that. But if I sit there and laugh, you know what I love is when Dave, when Davy every once in a while

would get into a fight and we'd get the shit kicked out of him. Because it was claymation. They didn't have the money. His hair was still perfect. And then they just put a couple of strands of clay on his forehead to indicate that Davy got his ass kicked. They have no idea what we're talking about.

This show was on 65 years ago. Yeah. But this is, I'm trying to explain our childhoods. This is what it was like back then. There's nothing to watch, nothing to do. And occasionally someone in the house would lose their temper in a way that would frighten you. And then it was never spoken about again.

Yeah. Yeah, that was basically, that was it. My brother, I don't know if I'd ever tell you this, my brother was like a genius, man. My parents used to argue. He had a dual cassette boombox. And he used to record the argument and then put music underneath it.

And one of the greatest ones ever was he put Led Zeppelin No Quarter, which has this really John Paul Jones places haunting keyboards, right? It was scored perfectly because it started off slow with them going back and forth and then gradually and just Robert Plant closed the door, put out the lights.

And right his bottom's drums, came in my dad, I'll fuck me when I get the fuck out of this. Dude, we used to listen to that fucking thing for like years. And then we finally played it for my dad and he laughed his ass off. He liked it.

I thought it was hilarious. He thought it was fucking hilarious. He never understood anything. We had him watch the great Santini one time hoping that he would get it. And he ended up just loving the movie and just walking around when I am the great Santini. No, it's about a dad who's very abusive to his son.

Yeah, who loves his family but doesn't understand that he's slowly killing everybody. And your dad watched that and thought, thank you for showing me this uplifting film about how we should all behave. It was like Sleepless in Seattle. When Harry met Sally. All right, we're going to wrap this up.

I want to make sure I get your life to say. I want to make sure I mentioned, yeah, here we go. Right here. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Tickets.

You got a tour going now. Yes. The Bill Burr slight return. Yes. What does that signify? That you're working on stuff? No, slight return was because they kept letting us out and then they're like, no COVID's back.

So I didn't know if it was going to like, we were going to do the whole thing. You know, because I remember, was it last year or the year before? Remember they let us out for a month? And we're like, yeah, it's over. And they're like, get back inside. Get back inside.

I love they let us out. Yeah. It is true. Yeah. You can go get back in here. Yeah. I've given it to the fact that they run everything. And it's, it's, that's the worst till I kind of try to figure

out what's going on. And then you figure it out and you realize you don't have any weaponry to actually have an effective revolution. What? Isn't it? Isn't that a good thing that no one, I don't want people to have the weaponry to have an effective revolution.

You know what the saddest thing about January six was is that they went to the wrong building. What building should they have gone to, Bill? Do you know how much they were panicking over the Federal Reserve when they heard there was an insurrection, like, oh my God, they finally figured it out. And then they peaked out, ah, they go to the Capitol. I don't think that crowd had that kind of sophisticated level

of thinking about the banking system. Listen, every business has to start somewhere. They went to the wrong building. I love that one guy that was climbing the wall instead of just using the stairs. He just so wanted to be in special forces. It's true. Beautiful wide, beautiful stairs right next to him.

Oh, they're made out of marble or something. It's some of the great stairs his country has ever produced. He's like, nope, I'm climbing this fucking wall. Well, God bless him then. Yeah, God bless his wall climbing ass. Tickets for the Bill Burr Slate return tour are available at BillBurr.com. And when's the movie coming out?

I don't know yet. We just locked on it yesterday. So we still got to score a little bit and do a little bit of ADR, say, say in the business, color it, and then, I don't know, hopefully sooner rather than later. I don't have a release date yet. All right, you let me know when you do. I like to promote things that aren't being released yet.

I remember us sitting back and you were talking about, he's got old dads. I'm like, they're fucking promoting that already. I don't know if, yeah. I read what's on a card. I wasn't blaming you. Oh, I didn't think you were. You were going to go home and scream at your wife about me.

No, I scream at me and my wife will tell you, don't I scream at myself? Yes, all the time. He's constantly talking to himself. Yeah, he's constantly talking to himself. What do you say? You dumb motherfucker. Fucked up, you idiot.

What did you do that for? Oh, that was funny. Yeah. Into a mirror. And we had a neighbor in New York who thought that I was talking that way to my wife. And said to her and like, well, you know, and said to someone who we know mutually,

like the way he talks to his wife and was like, no, that's how he taught. That's him talking to himself at night, brushing his teeth. Oh, that was a good move. You think you're going to make it doing that? That was brushing my teeth, by the way. You know, you fuck one bat and it follows you forever and ever and ever. It was 1987, the bat.

The bat's forgotten. I've forgotten. Most people move the brush, not their head. I glue the brush to the wall. Hey, come on. This is so broken. It is. You know what?

We're going to sell this. Look for this. We're going to sell it on the street, like old school. This is the NC 17. Hey, Bill, God bless you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for having me. Always have a good time.

Thank you, sir. All right. That was like therapy for me. It really was. That was horrifying for me. I'm not going to lie. I feel, I felt guilty laughing at half the things he was saying. I don't know.

But, you know, you were laughing. Also, I'm just so happy I didn't grow up in Boston. I'm sorry. I know. It's a different kind of town. It is. Yeah. It is.

It creates a different kind of people. Every time I go home, every time I go home to Boston, I'm reminded, oh, right. This is a different world. Yeah. Yeah. I was, I was staying at a hotel that we've stayed at a bunch of times when I'm in Boston, right down there on the common. And they have a really nice bar area and we were all hanging out.

And I think you were there and we were having like a glass of wine because we had done a show or something. And then I went in to use the men's room. I don't want to say maybe a 65-year-old woman. Yeah, I remember that. Followed me into the men's room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm at the Euro and she goes, and she's like, gone in.

Hey, gone in. And she came in. And I went, hey, hey, hey. And she went, oh, big star. Big star. Too big to talk to. But I'm like, I'm at a urinal. This is.

I know. But it was like, you know, yeah. It was weird. She probably told people. I went to his head. Oh, no, I know. Went to his head. Probably.

Too big to talk to people at a urinal. I don't know. It's just a different place. And oh my God, I'm so glad I'm not Irish. I'm just so happy. I'm not an Irish person from Boston. I've never been so happy that I am not Irish or from Boston. So thrilled.

Just happier than ever that I am what I am from where I'm from. Thrilled. Well, I like to talk about Chevy. That's something we can both agree on. That's actually true. You know why I want to talk about Chevy? Why? The Chevy family of electric vehicles.

You know what? They have something for everybody. They do. Yeah. And that's saying something. Yeah. I'll tell you right now. It's an impressive spectrum.

That's right. I use the word spectrum of vehicles that are available now. You can buy now. Reserve now. Stay tuned because new vehicles are coming. That's what I like. I like because I, you know, back in the day, you know, I had an old Chevy. You know that?

I think I had a Chevy too when I was growing up. You did? I feel like everyone cool had a Chevy growing up. Some kind of Chevy. I did. I had a Corsica. I'm looking that up right now. Was there a Chevy Corsica?

Look that up. There was, right? Please tell me that it's, it's true. Someone out there, look, make sure there's a Chevy Corsica because I'm not, I'm not going to lose this, this ad read just because Sona went out on a wire and invented a Chevy that doesn't exist. I like the Chevy Mont Blanc. There's no Mont Blanc.

Uh-oh. Chevy is on the line. They want to talk to you. Oh no. But my Corsica growing up was great. Yeah. And lasted forever. Well, guess what?

You wouldn't want a Corsica now. You'd want an EV. Oh, for sure. You know why? I like the term EV. It's my term for electric vehicle that I came up with. You made that up? I sure did on the way in here.

And if Chevy's nice, I'll let them have it. You can buy the Bolt EV. You can buy the Bolt EUV. Wow. Reserve the Blazer EV or the Silverado EV. Yeah. That's your favorite. My God.

I've always wanted, isn't that the best name? It is. It's really cool. Ask me what I drive. Hey, Conan, what do you drive? Silverado. EV. And learn more about the Equinox EV or Equinox, depends on where you live, while staying

tuned for more info on Chevy's vision for an electric future, as I say, an electronical future. Okay. No one else says that. I'm an idiot. Yeah. And what was yours called? Chevy Corsica.

Maybe they'll bring it back. Maybe. I mean, you know, it honestly lasted us forever. Okay. It was one of, I can't remember the other cars we had, but it was one of a few Chevy's to have. If we can track down your old Corsica, I'll have it electrified. No, you won't.

Yes, I will. I'll have it electrified. Why don't you just buy it? At my personal expense. Hold on. Astrix. Chevy may participate. No.

Can you just buy me a new car? No. That's electric? No. Buy me the Bolt EUV. No, that's too easy and not cool. These are great. These cars are great, but we're going to find your old Corsica and electric cars.

Corsica and electrify it. You're not getting one of these new babies. Just buy me a new one. Just buy me a new one. These are too nice for you. To learn more about the Chevy EV lineup, head to chevrolet.com slash Conan. Man. I thought, wow.

See, my dad had an Impala. Oh, that's okay. That's okay. He had a Chevy Impala. That was our first car. Anyway. Hey, we're back in. Moving on.

Moving on. We should bring in your, well, your kind of real assistant. My real assistant. Yeah. Hey, listen, you still are my assistant. Take it easy. Okay. You are loved and respected and you still take care of really important things for me.

But for day to day things, while you're looking after beautiful Mikey and Charlie, we have David Hopping. David Hopping. Why don't you come on in here, David? How are you, David? I'm good. How are you? Pretty good.

Enjoying the show so far? Yeah, that's great. You know, it's great. Whenever there's an energy dip, I can just bring David Hopping in. And we can ride off. I thought I was eating snacks in your green room for part of the show. You're out of Ritz crackers. You ate my crackers in my green room?

You have a lot of chips left though. I don't want chips. I was looking forward to that Ritz. Wait, is Ritz even paying us anything? No. Only if Chevy made a cracker. Now that's a cracker I eat. And I'd never stop eating it.

David, we're going to take some questions from the audience. All right. And I'd like to quickly point out David has his own podcast. What's it called? Dude, it's called Back to the Best. All right, look for it. David does a nice job. That's all you're getting from me, David.

Oh, thank you. I'll take it. Well, and the crackers. Yeah, let's say if anybody here has some questions. What's the question? Hi, Conan. I'm a big-time fan since 1998. Oh, wow.

I'm 38 now, so most of my life. That's so cool. I miss the, if they made it, bits. But I watched the hour. I forgot about those. I miss a bit that I no longer remember. That's really sweet. So how can I help you, sir?

So I watched the hour-long special on how you got late night. And I wanted to know after those first early tenuous years, when did you realize that you were good? Well, it took a super long time, to be honest with you. And yeah, we had kind of a interesting introduction to late night television. At the time, a really big deal that an unknown person was getting this show. And so I kind of had to learn how to do the job in front of everybody.

And man, people had very strong opinions, many of them negative. But young people really liked it. And I think that that was nice. But I didn't know that. I was not aware of that. And I only found out about it till much later on, when those young people grew up into and became really successful comedians. And they would say, oh, you're a show.

We used to watch a show all the time. That was the show we really loved. And I was like, why didn't you tell me? Why John Mulaney? Why didn't you tell me? It was like I was nine. Why would you have listened to a nine-year-old? And I said, I would have listened to anybody.

I would have been so happy. I know it sounds like I was doing a bit about me yelling at myself in the mirror at three o'clock in the morning. But that still happens. And it doesn't go on too long because my wife's not having it. Yeah, there's some unhealthy elements probably that go into doing this day in and day out and wanting it to be special or good. And I think trying to figure all that out has taken me a long time.

Marrying the right person really helped. Having great kids helped. And getting some help really helped. I'm very vocal about that. People should be very open to talk therapy if they need it. And if they do it responsibly, getting on meds, stuff like that. I think that has made a huge difference in my life. But it took a while.

It took a long time. Thank you. Hi, Conan. Hi, Sona. Hey, how are you? What's your name? Valeria. Valeria.

So I tried putting off the podcast, listening to it for the longest time because I could not wait for episodes like every week to come out. You let them bank up. So I was like... So earlier this year, I actually kind of caught up fully. And I noticed Sona's improv skills completely like 100% improved. No, they have not. Don't applaud.

That's not true. But okay, thank you very much. But no, the thing is you were always good. But my thing that I've noticed about Sona that's so rare is she's always 100% herself, no matter what we do. And we've done shows like this that we're going to do them in the Beacon Theater in New York. We've done them here in Los Angeles at the Wiltern. Just throw us in front of thousands of people.

And there's like thousands of people. No training. And I'm used to that. But Sona will go and she'll do that. And people are screaming, Sona, Sona, Sona. And she's like, all right. And then she'll walk off stage and be like, I'm hungry. I'm always hungry.

Well, I'll see you later. And she'll act like nothing happened. And, you know, there are so many people that would be saying, oh, this is my chance to be an influencer and pretend I have a jet. No one really has a jet. They all hold a toilet seat up really closely and take a selfie and have some sparkling apple cider they're holding up. But yeah, you don't, you're always yourself, which is a great quality. Well, it's nice to have nothing to lose because I'm on Conan O'Brien needs a friend. And if I'm bad, it's, it just reflects on you.

So I think that it shows that I made a bad judgment. It's just that you, you had poor judgment putting me on. So it just, it's very freeing and liberating to just know I can say and do whatever I want. And it just makes you look bad. You're fired. Despair. Hello. Hello. What's your name? I'm Tabitha.

Hi, Tabitha. Where are you from? I am from Orange County, but I have family back in Boston. Well, do you think we got to anything real here? Do you think this is all bullshit today? A little bit of column A, a little bit of column B. Yeah. I'm sorry. Irrelatives.

Well, no, it's very, it's also, it's not everybody in Boston. We're talking about a specific strain, a very damaged person from the 70s and 80s. Yeah. So, so what do you miss most about, you know, Boston after coming down to Southern California? I miss seasons. I love fall, love fall. And I also love early winter. And I love wearing a coat outside because it makes me feel like I look better when I'm wearing a coat.

And we all have some feelings about the body dysmorphia or whatever. I just like me when I'm wearing a coat and I look for any excuse to wear a coat. And if I could wear a parka in LA, I would, I just think. So I don't know. It's always been, I like going back to Boston. I'm going to go back there to see my family still lives there. I'll go back for Thanksgiving. And that's the part I'm looking forward to is it being cold outside and me wearing a

coat that breaks up the fact that I'm three quarters leg and have a very short, disproportional torso. And I think I didn't mean to go. Yeah. But seriously, I love how you put on it. You know, when I put on a P coat, you know, I'm just like this. Hey, that guy is real tall. And yeah, that guy is a, well, no one's really saying that.

No one is saying that. I know. I don't know what you're talking about. Well, anyway, I like, I like seasons. I miss seasons a lot. And I love the walking culture here. I mean, they're in Boston. When you walk around here, people think that you're mentally ill if you're walking.

And it's like depressing that if I decide I'm just going to walk and I'm going to walk to that, to that drugstore, to that CVS that's 15 blocks from here. 15. Yeah. Oh my God. I really like to stretch the legs. You know what I'm saying? But people think something's, you know, that that's what it's like here in Los Angeles.

When someone's on the street, they, they think that, that you've been, something terrible has happened to Conan O'Brien. He's wandering the streets. And it's like, you know, that will happen, but it hasn't happened yet. And I, that's, so that's, so those are some of the things that I miss. I had dips below 60 here. That's cold. I can't.

No, it's not cold. That's really cold. No, it's not cold. It's so cold. We talk about this all the time. You're like, I hate it. I hate it. It's 65.

I can't stand it. It's, it's, no, it's not cold. The tolerance for the cold has probably changed though. Like if you go back in the winter, you're like, no, I'd never make that noise. I would never. I learned that noise from you. Okay. Well, whatever.

Cold air. I'm attacking my nether region. Oh man. Well, that's where it tends to go. Yeah. I don't know. Hello, Conan and Soda. Hey, how are you?

I'm good. How are you? We're good. What's your name? So I just wanted to know hypothetically, if you could be a podcast host in any other historical period, which one would you choose and why for both of you? Oh, I know mine. Mine would be like 1920s because I love the way people spoke back then.

They spoke really quickly and their voice was up here and it's registered right here where my voice naturally is. And you know, there's just a lot of like, there's a big skinny. Hey there, you know, Mr. and Mrs. America and all the ships at sea. Big new skinny just came through off the great legs. Mr. and Mrs. Huron are having a little bit of a patty finger situation. You know, you're like, it's all bullshit. It doesn't really matter.

People would just go on and on and on. I was at the store club and I saw Joe DiMaggio walk through. He had the biggest beef pie I've ever seen. Well, anyway, that's our news for the day. And then I would leave there and go to the store club and people would be excited because that guy from the radio is here. Yeah. And you'd wear the fedora.

I wear a fedora. And I said, like, hey, he got me a beef pie. See. You're still talking like that, even when you're not. Oh, yeah. I would always have the microphone with me. And so, yeah, that would be, that would be my era. Oh, I think this is my era.

I don't know. Every time I think about older eras, I just think of, you know, girls getting their asses slapped a lot. I don't know. That's not. Am I wrong? Am I wrong? No.

Wait a minute. They're like the sixties. That's a cool era. But oh, yeah. No, it's not for ladies in the workplace. So this is this. I'll stay here. You like this, this era?

This era is cool. Well, wait. Do you think when you were, when you were working in the nineties, well, you weren't working in the nineties, two thousands. When were you working at Taco Bell? Um, it was Burger King and it was, uh, in the late nineties. Okay. I got respect at Burger King.

Yeah. But also I was running the drive-thru. So they, you have to get respect at the drive-thru. The orders out in 30 seconds or less. So it's a lot of pressure. Right. Right. It's like being a surgeon.

Yes. It's just like being a surgeon, working the drive-thru section of the Burger King. The Burger King. Yeah. But, uh, no, I think you're right. It's good to be happy with the era you're in. I am. I'm happy.

I mean, you know, I can't do that voice either. And I don't know, like, I don't know what other, I think other eras are cool too. But, you know, this one is probably my. This is your era. This is me. This is your era. I'm living in, I'm in the, I'm in the one that's in the wrong era. Yes.

I'm the one that actually uses a typewriter and types notes to people. Yeah, you do. And you're the one, and I don't know how to work my phone, and you're the one that knows everything. You're very much in the moment. I like, I like learning the new stuff that's coming up. I think you're scared of it a little bit. Oh, sorry.

Not at all. Excited about all these new EVs that are coming out. I'm not saying that much right now. Like the. The Chevy EVs are the best, you know. Like the Silverado. Yeah. But an EV Silverado is the best one of all, if you ask me.

Well, I think they're all good, depending on your needs. Now I'm giving them way too much for their money. I think that that is our show for the day. But thank you guys. Really. It's, you know, it's funny. We do these. I obviously used to do shows with a really huge audience.

And then we do these, I would say 99.8 of them with no audience, which has its own vibe. It really is nice to come in and be in a room with people that have great energy and enthusiasm and seem to like what we're, what we're doing. So thanks so much for being here. We really appreciate it. And we'll get gorelly here next time.

All right. I know. Well, you know, yeah. Oh, that's very cool. Oh, you made a shirt for two of the three. Oh, that was so cool. Yeah. Good night everybody.

Follow the spirit, pity love, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we aren't gonna need friends. This brand new bonus episode of Conan O'Brien Needs A Friend, was brought to you by Chevrolet. Chevrolet is near and dear to my heart. You know why? Why?

in the day, my dad took me home from the hospital in our family car, you know what it was? What was it? It was a 1963 Chevy Impala. That's a very cool car. It is, it was a cool car. I mean, I didn't think so at the time. Right.

Because I was a baby. I just thought, what's this weird machine who are these people? You were even thinking that? That's pretty advanced for a baby. I was very, well, when I say baby, I mean, I was 12. No, I was a baby. They took me home in that car.

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before they got into electric vehicles. Now they've become the tops in a new market. Yeah. Yeah. Chevrolet is dedicated to making EVs affordable and obtainable to everyone, not just for elites. That's important. Electric vehicles, it cannot just be

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Learn more about the all-electric Chevy EV lineup. Head to chevrolet.com slash Conan. That's chevrolet.com slash Conan. Chevrolet, yeah.