Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Bill Hader

Episode Date: May 13, 2019

Actor and comedian Bill Hader feels great about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Bill and Conan sit down to chat about their fondness for antiquated terms, the importance of relaxation, crime show narrators, and competing with YouTube. Plus, Conan issues a State of the Podcast address.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].This episode is sponsored by The Great Courses Plus (www.thegreatcoursesplus.com/CONAN), Bombas (www.bombas.com/CONAN), Robinhood (www.CONAN.Robinhood.com), State Farm (1-800-STATE-FARM), and Hair Club (www.hairclub.com/CONAN).

Hi, my name's Bill Hader, and I feel great about being Conor O'Brien's friend. Hey there, welcome to Conor O'Brien Needs a Friend. I had to pause briefly for this introduction because I was finishing chewing. Is this an Asian chicken salad? Yes. Yes, and I didn't want to be chewing on the air. So I don't even know why I mentioned this because you didn't know that I had to delay. So this is just more evidence that I'm new to this format and I desperately do need a friend. Joined today by, of course, my trusty assistant, Sona. Hey, Sona. Hey, Conan. That salad looks really good. It is good. It's a good, very good Chinese chicken salad. It's a Chinese chicken salad. I took out a lot of the fried

wonton pieces. Is that what it's called? Yeah, the wontons. You're eating, but nobody else is eating. I think it's important to point that out. In ancient times, the king would eat and everyone had to watch the king eat. No, I believe you've, have you guys eaten? No, my stomach's growling. Oh, I'm pretty hungry. There's a guy over there who's always discontented, Matt Gorley, the podcast whiz. Do you have not eaten yet today? I haven't, no. But don't worry about me. Okay. Thanks. I'm sure you have some food stashed in your beard. Oh my God. Little, little tic-tacs, a little bit of a barbecue bison that's been dried. Is this weird obsession with how I look at you? Are you going to single white

female me? No. You mean that I will dress up like you so that I can sleep with Henry Fonda's granddaughter? Oh yeah. I'm not sure that's how it works. I don't know either. Peter Fonda's daughter. Yes. Why did I say Henry Fonda's granddaughter? I don't know. But she is that as well. She is that as well. I mean, you're not wrong. I just, I just got a little more complicated than I needed to. That's all. And Jane Fonda's niece? Right. Bridget Fonda. We could have just used her name. Yeah. You guys could have just said Bridget Fonda. I could have saved a lot of time. Yeah. I have to admit when my ancestor was at Ford's Theater when Lincoln was shot and he ran out of the theater and said, Robert

Lincoln's father's been shot. And people were like, what? And he went, you know, the husband of Mary Todd has been injured. And they were like, what? He said, I'm telling you, why aren't you listening to me? The great grandson of Jebediah Lincoln has been shot. Oh my God. Is that his real grandfather's name? Probably not. But, you know, 50% chance because 50% of people in the world back then were named Jebediah. That's fair. Yeah. Anyway, why babble like this? Let's get to it. Let's get to it. Very excited today because someone who I just love hanging out with always makes me laugh. A giggling fool and a hilarious, hilarious, multi-talented gentleman is joining us. Mr. Bill Hader. Hey, Bill. You got a podcast

and podcasts. People get real on podcasts. Let's get real, man. Let's get fucking. Let's get into the dirt. You know, first of all, no swearing. This is mostly for children. But second of all, you know, we're not going to have any joking around during this thing, okay? Because this is a chance for us to find out who the real Bill Hader is and get, we're not going to fuck around. And I just swore. We're going to get into the nitty gritty. No, no. Every time we swear, it's like, fucker. Whoa. It's like, so anyway, man, I was, you know, I was doing drugs and I was really hating myself, you know, and I was just so up and. It's hard to understand. Conan tried to get real with Bill Hader, and I think I only heard every

third word. It got really real, and it was a lot of great sound effects, too. When I was a kid, I've never talked about this before, but there was an uncle I had, and he came over when my parents weren't home, and I've never told anyone what. And then he would. And then one time. Well, that's all the time we have, Bill. That was a lot of fun. That's a spicy meat ball. Wow. We really got into it with Bill. He left a shell. He was a shell when, he was just a shell when he left. I've never told anybody about any of this game, and I'll never say it ever again. And even your therapist listens. I didn't understand a word. It's like, look, yeah, I'm fidgeting someone. All right, now let's get into it. This is the problem. I have on you with all

your noises and your shtick, and there's always the danger that we won't have a real conversation, and that can't happen. That doesn't life. I know. We go out to dinner sometimes, and it's just pure foolishness the whole time. Hello, sir. Yes. What did you say recently that we both have a fondness for? We have a crutch, which is antiquated terms. I prefer fondness to crutch. This is like, I just write down, and we were arguing. We were doing a bit of arguing with each other, and I said, my seconds will call on your second. Yes, sir. There's no one else. There's no one else I could do that. I love old telephones. I love two of the writers that I worked with on The Simpsons. They were similarly obsessed with, it was Oakley and Weinstein, they were similarly obsessed with old

fashioned, I think, mannerisms and customs. And we used to just sit around forever and say things, just talk for as long as we could in late 19th century foolish babble. And it was all about the wax, the clerk, you know, moved, unfastened his cellophane cups and moved the wax cylinder carefully into position. You know, and it was, but they're the ones that came up with Mr. Burns, answers the phone, and this is a true thing. I think Edison really wanted people. He thought that the etiquette, or it was Edison or Graham Bell early on, they wanted, they thought the etiquette of answering the phone should be a hoi-hoi. Oh, right, yes, yes. So they had Mr. Burns, instead of a low, they thought it should be a hoi-hoi. And then I forget what it was that you

replied. It was like a hoi, a hoi-hoi. A hoi-hoi, yeah, it was a hoi-back. A hoi-back, yeah, a hoi-hoi, a hoi, and then the conversation could begin. And I love the arrogance of saying, this is the telephone, and this is how it will be used from now and for the next thousand years. Yeah, controlling that. Controlling, and then people were like, what the fuck? I'm going to say hello. I'm going to say, I'm just going to go, hey, what's up? A hoi-hoi. Yeah, no, you're not to say sup. Sup. You're not supposed to say, you're not to say what's up. You're supposed to say a hoi, and then you say a hoi-hoi. And I just say, K, you say a hoi. Can you imagine them reading texts, getting really mad? A hoi-hoi text. What is this, you up? You up. You out. What does you out mean?

You out. You out. What do you mean, new phone? Who dis? Who dis? Dis. D-I-S. If this is for fornicating, then you should say a hoi-hoi, a hoi-hoi, fornication plea, a hoi-hoi, fornication plea, and then fornication accepted. Fourth wave, my area shall meet your area. This is how it should have been. We will touch areas, fourth wave. No, I love all that stuff. Those fucking, those Simpsons jokes at that time, too. I watched my oldest daughter, we watched Simpsons, and those jokes, like no one's done anything, like the, just the simplicity of something like when Mr. Burns is shot, and they think that Smithers did it, and Smithers being let out of a court flanked by cops, and all the reporters come up, and the first reporter goes, hello, who are you, and where are

you going? And Ken Brotman goes, damn it, man, do your research. I get mad when I see a joke like that. I'm like, that is so simple and perfect. That makes me so mad. I, you know, I left there a long time ago, and had this nice thing where I lost touch with the Simpsons for a while, you know, you work there, and then you get really busy making your own stuff, and so I, but now through my son, I'm watching Simpsons episodes, and he's 13, and he loves it, and so I'll sit, he's not allowed to watch TV during the week, but on the weekends, we'll watch some Simpsons together, and I'll see these jokes, and I'll say, you know, I used to write on this show, I was a big deal back in the day, and, but, no, I was watching one the other day, and there was this joke I had never

seen before, and my head writer, Matt, said, oh my god, I love that, I remember that joke, I love that joke. Homer's walking along at night, and he passes a place, and it says, Jim, have you heard of this? And it's G.Y.M., and it's at night, and Homer goes, Gime, what's a Gime? And then he walks inside, and there are all these people lifting weights and working on machines, and he goes, oh, a Gime. It's so stupid. So stupid. One of my daughter, and I laughed, that was Lisa wants a dog, and there's a bunch of puppies, and the wise guy, the guy in the handker's area, the guy, hey, Boyle. And he goes, she goes, I want to

buy a puppy, and she goes, which one's the smartest? And he goes, that one. And she goes, how do you know? And he goes, he writes mysteries. And she goes, how do you write mysteries? And he goes, no, he figures at the end, and he works backwards. And you're like, fuck off. That's too good. There are comics, really, you know, comics who are really brilliant. And then they don't so much love to sit around and talk about comedy and laugh. They're just, they're very, I don't know how to put it there. They, if you were just talking to them normally, you might think, I don't know that this person is in comedy. And then you see them, and they become extroverts on

stage. One of the things that I love about you is you love making people laugh and also laughing. And the times I've been with you, or we get dinner with Martin Shorten, I'm just crying. I'm just, but you will just go in and out of these characters, and you're just enjoying yourself. You're not putting on a show. It's just, it's really fun. Oh, thank you. Well, it's all an extension. Me and you and Marty were talking about this, the dinner was, it's a weird extension of, I don't know if you've, of, for me, it was the lunchroom in high school. Like, I still feel like that's the funniest I've ever been. And that's the funniest, like, I'm not the funniest guy at my school or my friends by far. It's

other people that I'm like, those guys are so much like so funny. But it's just that looseness. And I remember being at SNL and for so long being so tight and going, I need to get back to, and you do go, well, when was I funny? You know, and you go, oh, in the lunchroom in high school is really funny. Well, what, oh, I need to kind of be relaxed and I need to kind of be friends with everybody and feel like I can kind of fail in front of all these people. And I think doesn't work out and you don't care. And you, you know, that the worst part about SNL is when you first come in and people are doing bits and you're kind of like doing the math in your head of like, well, I'll say this and then,

you know, and that's death, you know, doesn't work, doesn't work. You have to kind of just like, roll with it or whatever. And I got that way around you the first time we hung out where I'm like, oh gosh, you know, and then and Marty and everything like that, you know, so it's nice to be able to relax. And I see other people go through that Darcy Cardin, was a great actress, she's on Barry and good place. She was my nanny forever. And I didn't know she was in comedy. And then I went and saw her perform at UCB and I was like, oh, not only did she do comedy, she's brilliant. Yeah, she is fantastic. And then it was like she relaxed. And now I'm like, I'm almost, you know, I'm like, you're like one of the

funniest people. How did I not know you're one of the funniest beings on the planet, you know, and it's so much of it is just being relaxed. She, I was talking to Darcy once recently. And she just said, yeah, I worked in a like architectural firm once and you and your wife came in to talk to the architect who was there. And this is back in New York. And I'm always sort of curious, like, I hope I behaved myself. I think I'm a nice person and I like to put people at ease and I think I'm comfortable in my own skin. But I kind of just said like, was I okay? And she was like, oh, you were doing bits the whole time. She said like, you know, but not in a bad way. But just like I was, I was, I was working

it with, with, and she was a receptionist, I think. Oh, needy, eh? Oh, needy, you know, but it is that thing that you have to kind of, you realize some of your problem, like one of the good things about wanting, like doing this stuff is, you know, you're making people laugh and you like you're saying you love laughing yourself and everything. But the other bad thing is you tend to gravitate, in my life, I gravitate to people who aren't nice to you because you're like, wait, why don't you? Of course. Why don't you like me? Do you know what I mean? It's like, wait, but I can be funny. What, well, what about this? And you'd do a bigger show for them, you know, and they go, next. Interesting.

I thought you were talking about a girl and suddenly it was Lauren Michaels. No, but what's interesting is I, for me, the relaxed thing, it started out at, it started out with me because I grew up in a big family at the table on Sundays and me just trying to make my, my brothers and my father laugh. And if I could really get my dad laughing so that he was hunched over. Yeah. And I was happy and I knew there would be Sunday lunches where I'd leave the table and go, yeah, no, that today was a, I really had a hot hand today. You know, I come 14 or whatever. What are you talking about? You feel that way as an actor too. It's the same thing where you could get emotional or

if you're, every time you're kind of thinking about something at home by yourself, you know what I mean? And no one's around. You're such a better performer than then suddenly people don't, especially when it's not live. You just, you know, clam up or, I remember my big thing was for impressions, trying to get impressions, not to be kind of, the only way to describe it instead of performing them, it's like acting that making them more behavioral, trying to make them sound more like, you know, add the kind of pauses and, and, and things that, and, and the rhythms that are in life as opposed to, because I would, I would watch, and Phil Hartman and, and all those people and thinking, well, they've done it better

than anybody, you know, and it was, but it was very performed. And I'm like, can I do something different, you know, and I could do it at, in my dressing room by myself. And then the minute I would get out on stage, you just couldn't help but be like, I want you to laugh. So you would kind of tight, you know, push it, push it a little bit and tighten it and tighten up a bit. And it wasn't until I did Rick Perry hold, we're putting applause in later. Okay, good. Lots of applause. Big jet. Why were those military jets honoring you? That's not what your country can do for you. Why? I have a dream. The challenge has exploded. Oh my God. What is happening? Too far. What is happening? Going, going, going,

going, going. Sensor. Being Fred Armist had used to do a bit where we were guys on lifetime. We were like, it was a time life and we were recording VO for a time life thing. It was one of those bits that only made John Mulaney laugh. And then we tried it on the show and it died. But it was just us in recording booth. And you would go, you go, John Lennon. John Lennon. I'm just going to do another one. John Lennon. The Dakota. Can I just do two? The Dakota. Mark David Chair. And then you would have to figure out what the historical event was. So Fred did one where he was like, day of infamy, you know, oh, a science teacher. And you're like, oh, is it the Challenger explosion? You know, and you're like, no. Jimi

Hendrix. Wait. Star-spangled banner. Well, this is one of those things that we have a lot of things that there are things that we share. And it's not just old timey voices and contraptions. But we're also both, we love murder. Yeah. And I remember you, who is the guy you would do? I like dark. I always go dark as you just saw. Yeah. And, but I love it too. And I think we were talking about this the other day, but it was something I noticed that because we're both, we both love crime shows. Yeah. And what I've noticed about crime shows is that they need every crime show to fit the same narrative. Yeah. And the same narrative is happy couple and everything was, they had the perfect life. You did this on the show when I was on the show the

other day and I lost it. I laughed so hard at this. I was thinking about this because they always have to have, I was noticing it. And the narrative has to be, they were the perfect couple. They had it all. You know, their friends thought that they were meant for each other. And then it all turned into madness. And then you would look at it and they would say they were the perfect couple. They shared a very small trailer. He was unemployed. She had been employed but had lost her job because of a crack addiction. But anyway, they were the perfect, you're like, no, no, no, no, no. But these were, you know, the proverbial salad days. Yeah. But then things started to go badly. And you're like, no, no, no, no. And sometimes it

kind of fits. But whenever they would go, they, and then they would also do this. They always, they loved it. So like, they had it all. The American dream. He was going to someday buy a boat. They had half a house. He had that shovel he always wanted. You're like, well, wait a minute. What dream is this? What? It's like he finally got the shoe laces for Christmas. Yeah. And you're like, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they, I always like the people who host those shows are my favorite. You did it. The Dick Keith Morrison forever who made me laugh. Oh my God, you did such a, I mean, and he was someone who I thought, when you did that impression, I, I, I saw you do that impression. I thought that's

someone who I didn't think anyone would do an impression of. You know, I did it and it was Downey. I would do it for Jim Downey. Jim Downey is a writer. I would do it for a writer at SNL. And he was just kind of hanging around. I don't think he was writing anything for the show at that point, but I was doing it and he goes, you got to do that on the show. And I went, I just, no one knows who that is. You have to do that on the show. And so I, but yeah, just Keith Morrison, all those guys, what's his, What did you pick up on with Keith Morrison? I can't remember. You had this observation that he was just very like sing songy and kind of, so your dad shot you in the face.

Almost like so. But he go, that must have been a while. You know, and then the guy, Josh Mankiewicz was the guy who always sounds like he's got a cold and he's always, you could tell Josh Mankiewicz, he's always the one in the most beautiful like island, tropic, any story that takes place in a beautiful place. You could tell Josh Mankiewicz was like, I'm going there. You guys back off. Like he's always on a beach. He does the same thing every episode. You could make a drinking game of it. He will go to a person and go, now most people, when they find their wife dead, they call 911. You didn't do that, did you?

You got in the hot tub. You got in the hot tub with your girlfriend. Now most people watching this at home. Yeah, he's always like the person's like, I know where you're going with this. I know I should have called 911. Can we just stop with the theatrics? Can we just skip ahead, please? I see what you're doing here. It's very cute. I watched the show. I know what you're about to say, but Keith Morrison's the best. Where Keith Morrison, Mulaney will text me sometimes like, are you watching Keith Morrison right now? And one time he said, then there was the DNA. Oh, that pesky DNA. And we, Rob Klein, another in SNL and John Mulaney and I were just totally obsessed with Keith Morrison.

One of my obsessions is, and it's stuff that can't be on the air, but I love, and this may come from the fact that I grew up with very strict moral code, Irish Catholic family. And so I love riffing off of the very worst thing I could do. What is the worst thing I could do? And so one of the things I love to do is, is, well, Sonia, you've seen me do this. I'll walk into Paula Davis's office and I'll see, I'll see like, she's got like star magazines and stuff in there. And I'll be chatting with her and I'll just be flipping through one. And then I'll put, I'll say like, shit, if I'm, I told you guys, if I'm in one of these, you shouldn't have it hanging around. And I really commit to it. So she gets

upset for a second because she thinks that, oh, shit, I left a tabloid out and Conan's in it. And I'm never in tabloids and I don't do anything. But I'll be like, shit, if I'm in this and she'll be like, what, what? And I'll be like, you know, Conan O'Brien shits pants at Denny's. And then she'll start laughing. And I'd be, and then I'd spend a whole thing where like, you know, you know, the carrot top quipster Conan O'Brien, I always try and have that kind of lingo, sailed into a Denny's big star here. He yelled shoving an old woman out of the way. You hurt me, said the old woman. And I served in Korea. Fuck you, ladies, said O'Brien. You know, I've got a load of diarrhea in my pants. And I'm going to unload it

right here on the floor. You'd shit yourself before you went to Denny's. Yeah, exactly. And then it was just, and it always involves, there's always a little boy in a wheelchair saying, you know, sir, you're acting in an uncivil manner. You know, hey there, wheelie. Hey, hot wheels. Hey, hot wheels, said Conan O'Brien to the boy who had, who was confined to a wheelchair because of a brave act he performed in the Boy Scouts two years later. Let's see those

wheels fly. The life that's happening in my head is really fun. My career is over instantly, thousands of times an hour. But it's really, I really enjoy it. I don't know what it is. That's like the other problem with like loving comedy and talking about it is like, so much of it is this weird thing of you need a structure or whatever, but you also need that kind of, that crazy, I can't think of the word, but just inspired idea that just doesn't make sense. Like that terrible sketch we tried of just saying, you know, guys in the booth just saying John Lennon over and over again, you know.

One more take, just one more take. Yeah, I'm just going to do a three in a row. But we would laugh really hard and I don't know why I'm like, but we would all just find that funny and then try it. And then, and I mean, people, when I was on the show, it was like, Will Forte was the king of that. Will Forte would come up with things that you were like, where did this come from where he would be like a SWAT guy on a date. I remember that was Megan Fox and he's a SWAT guy with a haircut and everything. She's like, wow. So what do you, what do you do? You're on the SWAT team. Like what do you do? And he just was like, yeah, I'm on the SWAT team.

He said, um, but my real passion is I, I work on a farm. I work for sheep. And then she goes, oh, you, you raise sheep. And he goes, yeah. And she goes, and how do you make money up there? He's like, well, I say, you know, I sell the, the pelts and the meat and other things. She's like, oh, so you have to kill them. And he goes, yeah, it's really hard. And it was about him, a SWAT guy, but had nothing to do with him being a SWAT guy. It's the, Jim Downey tells me about, I don't know if you were there when Jack Handy did the giant businessman. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. That sketch, which was giant, Phil Hartman's a giant businessman. Tom Hanks. I can't remember it very well. So he's a giant businessman.

Right. And he's in a small apartment. So he's this giant in the small apartment and, and he's in a regular apartment, kind of person sized apartment. And the people next door are being loud and it's like a punk band. And he crawls out into the hallway and he knocks on the door with his finger. And it's Tom Hanks. And he goes, you know, and the giant businessman says, excuse me, could you please be quiet? You're being quite loud. And Tom Hanks goes, no. And if you do that again, I'll kick your ass. You know, you close the door and then giant businessman goes back to his apartment and he dials a little small telephone and he goes, hello, witness protection problem. So he's 50 times bigger than Tom Hanks.

But it, what made it funny was that it doesn't deliver on its premise at all. No, no, no. It has nothing, him being a giant and him being a businessman has nothing to do with that sketch. And now as it started out live, I had, I had the office next to Jack Handy and I was so, I would look forward to his sketches the way a kid like listens for the ice cream truck. Yeah, those sketches were insane. Because they were insane and just so, and he came up with Toon Siss the Cat and there's all these insane sketches. And Frozen came in lawyer, which was amazing. Yes. Yes. So many great things. I remember he came up with one about, there's so many cool, I remember just thinking, how'd you think of that? But there was an

era of Westerns in the 1960s where everyone had a specialty. So like, it was the rifle man. It was really good with a rifle. Then there was a guy who was, you know, he was, everyone had a different, a really good gambler. Everyone had like, had to have a really cool skill. And this is a guy, his name was Johnny Acid. And he carried vials of acid on him. And so a guy would be provoking him in, in a Western bar. And they'd be like, hey, hey, Greenhorn, and he'd just be trying to enjoy his drink. And then suddenly he'd, he'd turn around and he'd whip out one of his vials and throw it at the guy who deserved it. Because he was, I mean, deserved some kind of punishment. But he threw acid on the guy and the guy was

like, and everybody around the person was like, oh my God. That's terrible. That's awful. And no one, no one thought what Johnny Acid was doing was cool. He was throwing acid on people. God, Jack Candy, this is a brilliant guy. Yeah, I mean, we still, I mean, we, Alec Berg and I will get into a full deep thoughts quoting thing where we'll remember our favorite deep thoughts and just like lose our minds. And that was one of the close moments. Some of the, a good deep thought was so great. Well, they're just so perfectly worded. Like it's so much in the structure of it. Like when you're writing someone, I could, I was never good at like writing jokes, like writing on

pieces and like, oh, but that, you know, we're like millennia or people I've met like David Tell or people like that who could just riff on a thing and they speak in jokes. Yes. But the way that handy wrote those like, oh man, that is word for word. Perfect. There was one, I'm going to butcher it. I hope I don't butcher it, but he had one deep thought, which was, and I think of something like this. I don't know why everyone got so upset when I rushed to give the president my chocolate gun.

It's a terrible idea. Of course they got upset. He had one that, the one that we laugh at was every time I see a thing out of the corner of my eye, scuttle across the room, climb up my leg and latch its fangs onto my neck. I have to laugh because what is that thing? First time I, I think it was one of the first times you helped us out. We were on the late night show and you were, I think very new at SNL and we had a goofy Halloween special we were going to do, a Halloween episode and they told me that you agreed to do the Vincent Price voiceover.

Yeah, I did for, yeah. And it was a fantastic Vincent Price. Oh, thanks. And I remember just being delighted that you helped us out. No, that was huge. I mean, I told you this, but when I was, oh gosh, 15, my friend Jake Thomas and I would after school go to his house, he lived across the street from where we went to high school and he taped your, it was your first season, your show was on the street and we would sit and watch it and eat macaroni and cheese and watch every episode

of the show. And I was saying, you know, growing up loving comedy and my dad would, you know, watch Letterman and things like that. It was like, oh, this is like the first thing that's mine that like my dad's not going to get, and my parents are going to get all the jokes, but I get like the lady in the soundproof. Yeah. And all, you know, all these great things that we just were like, this is so our thing. So when I got to, they asked me to do that.

Do you want to do this thing for Conan? And I was like, oh my gosh, you crazy, you know, and I, you know, I thought that was the, I was a huge thing. And then the very first talk show I was ever on was yours. And I think I was so nervous. I didn't sit down the whole time. I'm just kind of like up. I watch it.

I'm like, I'm up like this the whole time. You keep getting out of that. I was just like, oh yeah, yeah, no, no, and then like, you know, you know, just so freaked out. And I think at the break, I was like, I like history too. Like be my friend. I said, you're not to speak to me. Why are you looking me in the eyes, young man?

Andy, do you smell shit? I do. Oh, here it is. Oh, here it is. It's in the shape of a human being. It's a sort of featured player on San Elyne. Sorry. Sorry.

I don't speak complete fucking moron. I don't understand what you're saying. I wish I had done that to you. I don't speak your language. I don't speak that dumb moron language. I'm a highfalutin talk show. I've always wanted to, especially with someone like you who would get it, to do, I mean, I wouldn't want to do it the first time.

But if you tried to engage me in the commercial break, just completely lose it on you. You're not to speak to me. And then call my executive producer, Jeff Ross. Yes, sir. It spoke to me. It was worn. I am so sorry. We had the conversation.

Oh, shit. Very well. We'll get him all right. Don't get him out of here. I want him here. I want him to see this. Next time. Bob again, you're getting.

No, but yeah, I was so, oh my God, nervous. But yeah, just, that was the coolest thing. And then going up, and I remember, you know, Kristen Wiig being like, I just did Conan. And I was kind of the first one of our group to do a talk show. Yes. Cool. And it was cool. It was like, I was like, this is amazing.

And then the next week, Lazy Sunday happened, and everybody was like, who are these other people? It was all, yeah, it was a different thing. I mean, when the cupcake thing blew up. Yeah, Andy's thing blew up and we were like, the rest of us were like, not, and it was a different time too, which was interesting was I think none of us were like angry or it was just like more of an envious like, oh man, that'd be, oh wow, did you see that? We'd never been that close to a thing that was like a phenomenon.

Yep. And we were like, wow, that was so cool. And then I think it speaks to our class that people kept having that like when bridesmaids happen, we all were like, whoa, Kristen, your movie is like huge, you know, but it was always a place of respect and happy for our friend or friends, you know, it was always a nice, nice thing. But I remember that I remember Andy going on his mark after Lazy Sunday premiered the next show he did and got an applause break.

And we were all like, whoa, my God, that's so cool, you know, but you know, at the time, you know, you're just like, this is also that was one of that was one of the early massive viral comedy hits. It was the first thing that it came out and I went, this is awesome. What's the site that it's on YouTube? Like it was the first YouTube video anybody ever sent me. It was Lazy Sunday. I'd never seen a YouTube video before.

So that's, I mean, it was huge. Right. And now, now my kids don't even speak to me. They, all they do is say, watch this video and they, they're holding their laptop and I'll say, well, you know, and then they'll hit play and it's a 18 minute comedy video and they know it by heart, but they want me to watch all of it. And sometimes I think, you know, I'd like to talk to you. Yeah, I can't do this.

I can't hear what happened in your day. Look at this. Look, no, I've seen the Hindenburg explode. I've seen this a pruder film. No, but watch it all the way through. No, no, no. No, watch this. There's a third shooter.

Yeah. What? No, I don't want to see this right now. I saw this. I know. I know this. But do you ever feel though, like, as I remember in SNL, we would watch like a news blooper and go, I'll never, we can't beat that.

How do you beat that? That thing is so, because it's real and it's, I remember Andrew Steele, I showed him the news blooper where the woman goes, this man climbed Mount Everest, but he's gay. I'm sorry. He's not gay. He's blind. Yes. I love that.

And Andrew Steele didn't laugh. He just stared at it and he went, how the fuck did we beat that? You know what I mean? He was like, that's so fucking funny. How am I going to, you know, I made him mad. I say this all the time, which is the business changed. And I don't believe in complaining about things just change. But now it is, it's, we get a lot of really funny people together and we work hard to try

and make some funny stuff and put it on the air every night. And we're not competing against other late night shows. In my opinion, we're competing against eight billion people in the world. Yeah. And how do you beat out of eight billion people who were shooting on their phones pretty much all the time? One of them's grandmother is going to slip on a turtle and go headfirst into a vat of caramel.

And it's going to be the funniest thing you ever saw or someone at a wedding is going to try and do a handstand and explode into flames. Yeah. You're going to be like, that's the funniest thing I, yeah, I mean the, any news blooper makes me laugh. But even people just doing comedy, like the party bros, if you see most videos where the guys go in front of the, wait, are we going in front of city councils? Yeah.

And they're like, hey, how are you? So we just want to say, like, you know, we want to have a bill about, you know, house parties and like the Hollywood hells. And it's just a bit they're doing, but it's so funny. And it's playing out, it's like, it's, and it's playing out like, it's a theater piece. They're doing like a live performance piece. Yeah. Well, that's what they say.

And it always makes me laugh. But then like the nice thing is then I also like watching what you're talking about the other day, like Tim Robinson's new show, I think you should leave like when I saw that it was just cool seeing a guy that I knew on Saturday Night Live who, you know, was an actor and then he got, you know, however you want to look at it, you got, he became a writer on the show. They didn't think he was working as an actor and then he was a writer and then he did the show The Detroiters and which was hilarious and it's just so awesome to see his show in

the midst of all this stuff. Me now, since that show's aired, I've had so many people semi-clips of it and people coming in and going, did you see this? And so it may, that makes me happy that in this world of, as you said, we're competing against the whole human race, there's still room for a new sketch voice to come in or voice that is doing that and you go, oh my God, or Broad City or whatever it is, you know. I like it when the right thing happens.

Yeah. That's, I just feel like, oh, the world does make sense when a really funny person exists and somehow in all the noise and madness, yeah, they find a way to get their message out there and it resonates and people are like, hey, yeah, I know. To get that out. Yeah. It's like, that's why I love like Broad City was that way, you know, and, and, and, you know, just things like that where you kind of go, oh, is the people still interested

in this? And I like that my, you know, when I saw the, is the first episode of that, I just was like, I stood up, I was like, oh, I'm so happy that this exists if I, you know, I'm a fan of it now, but, you know, I had that feeling you have when I first saw your show, you're 15 and you're like, and you're doing the bits the next day for people and, you know, and all that. It's so funny when people, your generation, and it means a lot to me, I love it, but when people, your generation is, you or Mulaney talk about watching the show and liking what

I was doing when you were 15 and I think, I wish I had known. Just because we were kind of in a vacuum and people at NBC, you know, for at least a couple of years weren't thrilled about what we were doing and they were much older than me, so they didn't understand what we were doing and I remembered it feeling very, well, we think this is really funny, but it took a couple of years and, and I sometimes wish you guys had time machines and you could go back and go, we're big comedy stars from 2019. Leave this show alone. He's doing the right thing.

Leave our Conan alone. Ready dog? Yes, sir. Of course you have no proof that you're a huge comedy star in 2019. Where's your proof? Yeah. Look at this iPhone. What?

Yes, shoot me. Gun! He just had an iPhone. You killed Bill Hader in 2019. The future hasn't actually been affected at all, I guess the butterfly effect isn't real. Someone else is starring in battery. Wow.

Rainn Wilson is. Wow. Oh, well, that turned out okay, universe. Yeah. But yeah, no, they, no, it's true though, and now I feel the same way where I've had people come up to me and I meet somebody and, and they'll go, oh man, you know, I was in college and, and when you guys are doing a, you know, documentary now and now they're, and influenced this thing and so we're trying to do this documentary now type thing and they're

this, you know, 20 something filmmaker and then saying how much it influenced them and we always felt like exactly what you're saying, we made it in a vacuum and it came out and no one really cared. Right. You were like, cool. Well, we made it for us. We liked it. You know.

We did get a check. Yeah. We got a check. This was cool. And he does with it. Yeah. It's like, all right. Well, we got a couch, but, but at the same time, it's like, you know, the scene, I had

it, like I said, I had a meeting with this guy and just hearing him and I had the exact same feeling you did. I'm like, I wish you would have come by the set and said, good work, guys, right? Right. Right. Because at times. Well, I don't think people know. People don't know.

They assume that if you're on TV and you're saying things and getting laughs, that all is right in your world. Yeah. You know, that that's what it looks like. But from your perspective, you feel like you're hanging on by your fingernails sometimes. And I know you had a ton of anxiety at SNL and in your career. And I have too. And I've talked a lot about it and just how much I try to tell people almost like I'm

proselytizing. When you look at other people and envy them, be careful because you don't know how it feels to them. And they often, in that moment, it takes years sometimes to figure out, oh, I guess I was doing some OK work back then. And I didn't know people liked it that much. Right. Oh, OK.

Well, good. Yeah. That was, all right. You know, I always. And then just then someone drives by in a Prius and just like, you suck now. Yes. No. Right now.

Today. Today you suck. But yesterday was good. But yesterday was good. 2019. You suck. I was walking down the street with my mother-in-law of the time and a car pulled up and a cab driver pulled out the thing and went, hey, SNL, you and your show fucking suck.

What? Don't you love that? Yeah. And I was like, oh, she went, what was that? And I go, oh, that's Rick. Good kid. Good save. I know him.

I know all the cab drivers. I just didn't know what to say, but it was like, Jesus, yeah, yeah, you are like a hometown team in New York and like, if it's not working, fucking people will let you know. Or even if it isn't working that week. That's what I mean. Yeah. That week it was like, ugh, left again his stuff on, huh? All right.

It's been a little shady, buddy. Yeah. Thanks, cab driver. Wow. All right. Well, thank you. Like anyway. But yeah, I don't know.

It was very strange, but I totally, that is very true because I will go up to people like you or Marty or people like, oh, you have no idea what you're thinking. And they always, oh, thank you, thank you. But there's always this feeling like, really? That thing? Yeah. You really like that thing, huh? Yeah.

All right. Because my experience was it was, we busted our ass and no one liked it. Yeah. Cool. I didn't know people liked it. Yeah. Yeah. There was a movie, Hot Rod, I did.

And I've had so many people come up to me and go, oh my God, Hot Rod, Dave and Hot Rod, we love that. And you know, I remember when that movie came out, we got like a 30 and rotten tomatoes in the box office, it lost a lot of money and we were all depressed and like, oh jeez, oh wow, this didn't work. And now, you know, I'll be at a Q&A and I go, oh yeah, Hot Rod is like, you know, and you just, you have no idea. I did a lot of pornography in 91.

Oh, I remember that. And I didn't hear, but I never heard anything. The Red Rocket series. The Red Rocket and I never heard, no one ever said, at the time, at the time no one ever said anything about, and now if I'm somewhere, they're like, fuck Red Rocket. You saved my marriage. And I just wish they were instructional. I wish people.

Did those really instructional porn. No one said anything. It was like a learning to play guitar video. Yeah. All right. Yeah. We're gonna start. Okay.

Here's what you need. Here's what you need. What I usually do, I mean, everyone's different. I hold it this way. I hold it this way. You go that way. It really doesn't matter. So here we go.

It's gonna be simple. And it's all done. And that's how it's done. I think we're out of time, which sucks because this is so easy and fun. I'm gonna do it again, man. No. All right. I fucked it up.

I knew I'd fucked this up somehow. No, you'll never be back. Let's have a second date. You're not going anywhere. I got your fucking number. I want a second date. So that doesn't go over well in this new era. No, no, no.

Huge congrats on, you know, I'm a giant Barry fan. Thank you. And I love the mix that you and Mr. Berg and your team have done. You get this great mix of, uh, pathos and tension and also it can be so funny. And I just think you've made this nice cocktail. Oh, thank you. It blends really well. And for your consideration thing, you did, you hosted for us was huge.

That was awesome. And I was, I was, I was, I was, I hosted a thing for the Barry cast because I just, I'm such a fan of the show. And it was so cool. And Alec, the co-creator used to write for you and so he was really, you know, touched and like, it was like, oh, wow, it was so awesome. Yeah, it all came full circle. No, it was cool.

And now I can die. Oh, wait. Oh, wow, everybody. I know you can't see this at home, but Conan is disintegrating. Thanos. Thanos. Uh, all right. Well, you're a man.

You, uh, you always bring me joy. That's all I can say. That's all I can say. You make, you bring me endless joy and, uh, let's hang soon. All right. On this show again, because I'll be on again. No, that's not happening. Ah, shit.

You're, uh, it's not happening. You will never be on another podcast. I know where you, I picked you up, motherfucker. I know where you live. We're in the home stretch of this season of Conan O'Brien. He's a friend. So I think it's good that we do a state of the podcast and just see, assess where we're at.

Things are going well. Do you have any questions or comments? Wait a minute. Things are going well. I don't, as you know, I wear many hats. I do the show, the TV show, and I do the travel shows and, uh, do some touring. And so I don't know what's going on with the podcast and I try and get answers and, uh, no one says anything.

So let's have it out. Well, things are going very well. You have a perfect five star average rating on iTunes or Apple podcasts is five. The best you can get. That's the most stars. There's not even space for another star. Okay. So you might be the one that has them at a sixth star.

Let's see if we can talk to them about adding a sixth star. Oh, it's never good enough. Well, I'm just saying, if there's even a chance that they will, wouldn't that blow other people's minds? Yeah. That would freak out the other podcasts. Like suddenly I got six and another podcast had five. And let's say it's a great podcast, a fantastic podcast, but they've got five and we just through

your grade grubbiness and sort of bothering and, and, and manipulating and maybe spreading a little money around, we got a six star rating. Well, what if that space for the six star was there, but it didn't color in like it only went to half a star. So you got five and a half out of sixes. Is that a concern? That would enrage me. You're taking the perfect score that you have right now.

And you want to, you want to jeopardize that by adding a six star. Yeah. That's silly. So that's good. People seem to like it. That's good. Um, the podcast gets around a million downloads per episode in its first basic podcast cycle, which is tremendous.

That's very good. That's great. For podcasting. It's really good. The guests have been phenomenal. I love the guests. And, and that's the state of. Well, let me tell you something.

Let me tell you something because I think you're missing the point. Gurley, if I can call you Gurley. It's my name. You are a numbers guy and what I like to do is just go by, excuse me. Farther from the truth. Someone's talking. Okay. Sorry.

What I like to do is go by how it feels. And it feels good. I will say that I really enjoy, I have thoroughly enjoyed doing this podcast. It's one of the most satisfying experiences I've had in all my years in comedy. I really enjoy doing it. I really enjoy talking to all the guests. I love this intimate format. I do enjoy working with you, Sona.

Oh, thanks Conan. That's nice. Yeah. I enjoy working with you. Thank you. And Gurley's here. And I'm kidding. You know, I, you know, I give, I like to give you, I grew up with a lot of brothers and

we give each other a hard time. Yeah. And so that's a sign of affection. I want to give you a hard time. Am I a younger brother or an older brother to you? You're a younger brother. So you, that's why you. And you go missing in about a year.

I told you not to play in those woods. Ben. This is tough because I had an older sibling who was a bit of a bully. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, is that true? Uh-huh. So do I remind you of him sometimes?

Is it her? But yeah. Oh my God. No. And she, she, this was when we were kids. She's, she and I couldn't be closer now. I love her to death. Right.

That's called the Stockholm syndrome. It is. Yeah. Your tormentor becomes your best friend. And she, Jenny, it has done, did nothing that siblings didn't do when they were kids. She's tremendous. My brother tormented me too. Yeah.

Yeah. He actually prepped me for this job. Really? If I didn't have Danny, I don't know how long I would have lasted in this job. That's a good point. So I actually. Thankful to my sister. Yeah.

Jenny trained you essentially to do this. Yeah. I mean, no one could fully train you for this. No, I am the ultimate, you gotta admit I'm the best at, at teasing, tormenting. You're creative. Yeah. Very creative. Yeah.

Well, hey, it's something. Yeah, that's true. It's something. No, I really, I really enjoy working with you, Matt and with you, Sona. And I think we have a nice thing going here. And it's, it's hard to believe that we were almost done with a season. How many have we done? We've done at this point.

At this point, we've recorded, I think, 26 or seven. And where are we? How many are we supposed? 36. 36. So we're in the final stretch. Wow. Are we coming back for a second season?

Oh, that's funny that you say that because we talked beforehand and decided we wouldn't mention that on the air. Oh, I'm sorry. So are you high or something? I was last night if you were a residual highness. You were here and we, Adam Saxe brought that up and said, no, don't mention that. Cause we, we're going to just, you know, that's not something we would announce yet. Sorry, Adam.

And then you take this big dramatic pause and probably inhale some of that sweet dude that's still in your lungs from last night. I ate it. It was, it was an edible. It was, it was a gummy. Yeah. I'm sorry, Adam. I wasn't paying attention.

No, no, that's, don't worry. I will tell you. You're going to edit this out. Obviously. No, I'm not necessarily going to read it as a mystery. No. This is a mystery. We haven't said if we are or not.

And so, as always, Sona, you're, you, you're accident, you know, that's how penicillin was discovered. It was an accident. So you're welcome. Yeah. World. Yeah. Some mold grew on a agar plate and they just noticed, oh look, it's defeating the bacteria

around it. And maybe mold, hey, that's penicillin. So you just saved millions and millions of lives. You're welcome. With your. Well done. Bungling. It's been really fun.

I don't know that I can do another season. I've given so much of myself in this one. Have you? I really haven't. Well, that's good. I'm glad things are going well. Yeah. I'm happy.

So you were saying the state of the show is good. The state of the show is excellent. I think. It's good. And that's, we started strong and it's continued to grow and that's just my annual shareholder report to you, the boss. That's cool. That's nice.

People like us. What's it? Yeah. What are you doing? You're doing like an origami thing with a piece of paper. Fanning out the, I'm folding it. Yeah. We just established that you weren't paying attention to crucial details.

And I look over and you're like making some, what looks like a very bad origami with a piece of paper and decorating it. You're high. I'm not high right now. No. I'm not. Do your parents know that you occasionally indulge in the doobage? Yes.

That was not a great conversation because my mom asked me in a way, she was like, do you do you do it? And I was like, yeah, I have a prescription this is before. And then the next day they had a full blown intervention almost where she was like Gil, which is my dad's name. And he's like, we just think that that'll lead to other things. And I was like, I'm like 32 years old. I've been doing it for a while.

If I was going to do meth, I would have done meth already. Have you done meth? No, I haven't done meth. No. Just, why are you so defensive? Because it's not the logical next step is not meth. What is the logical next step after marijuana? I don't know.

Coke? Ecstasy? Molly? Maybe ecstasy. What about pills? Or red Johnny's, the devil's horns, yellow jackets. I'm sorry. A few more villains just walked in.

What about those, stop hoppers? What about them? No, I meant Willy Wonka's factory. Pink ladies? No. I mean, really? You've done any... No, I've only ever...

You ever do a Joey Ha Ha? Those are fantastic. Joey Ha. I'm a pill expert. I know. Upers, downers, you wanted to... Goofballs? That's another one, goofballs.

Yeah, that's right. I feel like you take a lot of goofballs. You got me. Zing. This is awful. Well, I was going to say the state of the podcast is good, but now I'm a little concerned. It's not good. No, no, no.

I mean, it might be good on the outside, but here in this room, it's a disaster. That's right, it is. Always, led by the incomparable Conan O'Brien. I am a King Disasterful. I have no foreign matter in my bloodstream, so I'm fine. Another one here that was just in the alley, swallowing a handful of Stobgobbers, Jack Sprats, Holy Hanukkahs, Madam Wazels, Dibble Doppers, Flat Hoppers, Mojoppers. You're just rhyming oppers.

You're just rhyming a bunch of things. It's not good anymore. Sorry. Your improv got a little bad at the end. But you know why? Because it's so high on Blist Offers, Gobfoffers, John Groffers, John Groffers. Named after your former head writer. Yeah.

I was looking at you whack. How much for a bag of John Groffers? Give me some John Groffers. Get out of here, man. So the podcast is doing well, but at what expense to the two of us? A personal expense. We are going to two stars. And they added that sixth one.

They've added 15 stars, and we're down to two. The worst reviews come from me and Matt. Yeah, I know. We should go in there and do personal reviews. I think so. Well, I'm glad both of you are in my life, and I figured out a way to monetize it. Sorry. All right.

Peace out. Shadrack. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and the show is engineered by Will Bekton.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts where wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.