Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Bill Hader Returns Again

Episode Date: April 28, 2025

Actor, comedian, and director Bill Hader feels grateful about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Bill sits down with Conan once more to discuss ideas from the SNL writers’ room that never made it past Lorne, his personal experience evacuating during the Palisades fire, anxiety as an occupational hazard in the entertainment industry, and more. Plus, Sona reveals how she avoided a scam by a fake Conan O’Brien. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan.

Hi, my name is Bill Hader and I feel... grateful about being Connor O'Brien's friend. That's so sweet. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk and lose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey, Conan O'Brien here.

Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined as always by Sonamuf Sessian. Hi, Sona. Hi. And of course, Matt Gourley. Hi. Good to see you, Matt. Matt, you have some props?

You're a prop comic now? No, this was handed to me by the lovely Ruthie in the same way that a child is dropped off at a fire station's doorstep. Or Moses, a young Moses arrives in a reeded basket. Well, this was, I believe, literally found on the doorstep here and it said,

to Conan O'Brien and Matt Gourley. Huh. Um, that's nice. And it says, Conan and Matt, great news. By unanimous vote, the Dilfs of Larchmont are proud to grant you honorary membership. We are a highly selective unit of local dads who live up to our slogan, protect and provide. As elite members, you now have the right and responsibility to wear the hat, lean into dad jokes

and grill things in a robe. We know you'll make us proud with honor, Dan Lerman, founder Dilfs of Larchmont. So- Dilfs. I don't understand. Larchmont, let me explain to the listener or viewer, if you're consuming us that way.

My hat is covered in cobwebs. Oh, God, it has a long hair on it. Ah! Gross, get it off! Someone was murdered in this hat! Well, wait a minute. So I should explain, Larchmont refers to the area. We're on Larchmont Boulevard, Larchmont Village

here in Los Angeles. Yes. And this is where we have our little building. And so I guess this person knows that this is where we do our work. Do people just know that? I didn't know people knew that. I mean, isn't that weird?

Well, they sure know it now. Mine has a number on the inside. Does yours too? Mine says 21. Oh, mine says 20. Hey, hey guys, real cool. In on the inside. Does yours too? Mine says 21. Oh, mine says 20. Hey guys, real cool. In on the ground floor. Signed and numbered.

DILF stands for what? Dad I'd Like to Flip the Seat. Oh! Wait, what? Well, it's all right. You probably know. Well, you know. You know what a MILF is. Oh yeah. And DILF is a dad I'd like to fuck.

Oh, I didn't know that. I never heard the term. A mom is a mom I'd like to fuck and a dad is a dad I'd like to fuck. Oh, I didn't know that. I never heard the term. A mom is a mom I'd like to fuck, and a dad is a dad I'd like to fuck. Does anyone want to fuck a dad? Hopefully mom. Okay. Well, like, so, you know, I mean, Milf is a hot mom.

Dilf is a hot dad. Okay, so, um... That's a compliment. You guys are two hot dads. But wait a minute. Didn't this come not from a woman? It came from, who is this? A dad. Yeah, a society of Dilfs here in Larchmont called the Dilfs of Larchmont. Okay.

Okay. So guys think you guys are fuckable. Yeah. Dads. This dad. Dads who people like to fuck think we're dads that they'd like to fuck. Yeah. They wanna fuck.

Wait, what? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You guys are Dilf-ilfs. You're dads I like to fuck, I like to fuck. They wanna fuck. Wait, what? Yeah. Okay. You guys are Dilth Ilfs. Your dads, I like to fuck, I like to fuck. Yes. No, we're Dillifs. Dil? Dads like to fuck.

No, because these are Dilfs who wanna fuck you guys. Yeah, Dilfs. You know what? I think they're calling and they wanna rescind it right now. I think we're, you know we are? I think it's like incredibly obvious that people want to fuck us that other dads so it's weird DILF Ilf's duh Wow, can we fit that on the hat? Don't you think I'm a DILF Ilf duh

right Cuz yeah Conan O'Brien. And you're like a Dilf-ilf-duh. What's that supposed to mean? They're sort of trailing off, they're getting a look at your shirt, they're wondering. Does he go to the- My shirt?

Well, I don't know. I don't want to buy ice cream from you in the twenties. Well, I don't want to be in prison pajamas. These aren't prison pajamas. Those are prison pajamas. These are not prison pajamas. Those are prison pajamas. These are not. This is a very nice, beautiful blue shirt. Dill fight, Dill fight, Dill fight, Dill fight.

Yeah. Dill fight. Fuck each other up. Hey, let's make that movie, Dill Fight. Oh yeah. Things get real. Oh my God, that's good. Dill Fight.

You know what I mean? It's sort of like Fight Club, but it's just two guys with like grilling spatulas. Yeah, grilling spatulas and like a TV remote. And a baby in a baby, whatever, Bjorn. Yeah, I like it. Let's get that. Dill fight.

Dill fight. And instead of like at the vacant lot at midnight, it's at the like Trader Joe's at high noon or something like that. Yeah, and first they have to make sure they still got those cedar chips. The peach ones, the peach flavored ones. Yeah, they still got them. All right, let's do the fight.

Let's get the chips first. Hold on, hold on, hold on. You still got that pumpkin cider that comes out every September? Yeah. Okay, all right, I'm ready. We'll be in in a few minutes, but first we're gonna have it out.

Hey, why are we gonna fight? Let's just have a beer, a cider, come on. Let's talk about smoking meat. Yeah, and can I lose this gruff voice and just talk how I normally talk? a cider, come on. Let's talk about smoking meat. Yeah, can I lose this gruff voice and just talk how I normally talk? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's not who you are. I like it.

This movie sells itself to absolutely no one. All right. Well, congrats on being admitted into the Dilf of Larchmont. This is clearly an elite society that hands out hats in a bucket that are covered in cobwebs and stray hairs. Yes.

Thank you. Dilf's. Dilf Thank you. Dilfs. Dilfs of Larchmont. Of Larchmont, we appreciate the sentiment. I expect to see us represented in these little silhouettes here though. But they're little silhouettes too. There should be one really tall one.

Yeah. I'll draw a little longer legs on mine. Wait, that'll look like the other guys are hovering. Anyway, let's get going. My guest today is an Emmy award winning actor and comedian who was a cast member on Saturday Night Live and wrote and starred in the hit HBO series, Barry, come on, for God's sake.

Yeah. He's the man, please welcome Bill Hader. You just were telling me, just before we started rolling, is it rolling, recording? Rolling, rolling. I don't know the lingo. I'm new in the business. You said that you were hurt,

someone walked up to you, what, on the street? Yeah, and said, why are you and Conan, when you guys, you were on his podcast, all you guys do is just laugh and giggle. But there's no talking. It's like one guy talks and the other guy's laughing over that guy. And I just wish there was more of a discourse.

Well, I was like, okay. I just wanna fuck with that guy now. We should just howl the whole time and say nothing. It's like, it's just so hard to figure that. Can he get his septum fixed? That's what I would say to him first of all. My warrior. Septum Sam.

Yeah, he was the guy. Many women very interested in me. Uh. I have a log line of pseudocenters. But those are always the people that would come up to you that would have an issue, in New York especially, you would come up and go, I didn't really like the show. No one comes up like, I couldn't believe the show was so bad. It was always like, when I first started SNL,

there was always guys walking up and going, they should use you more. That's nice. That's a nice thing. That's a nice thing. It was very sweet. I'd go, Lauren, these guys said I should use you more. You're like, who?

Who are they? No. Show me what? who? Who are they? No. No. No, wait, wait, where are they? Oh God. Shit. I was just remembering, we were, and this is all gonna be random thoughts

that come into my head, because that's what happens when I talk to you, but when I worked at SNL, all those years ago, Leslie Nielsen was the guest and he famously had this, he had this thing made that would make a farting noise. And he went to like a craftsman. I mean, you could, this thing was not something

he bought in a novelty shop. Leslie Nielsen, this was his sense of humor. This thing was beautifully made. It was made of, you know, some sort of teak, some sort of polished wood and it had brass fittings and everything. And he would make these farting noise. And I remembered, you know, some sort of teak, some sort of polished wood and it had brass fittings and everything. And it would make these fraying noise. And I remembered you'd be talking to him like,

okay, so anyway, Leslie, the idea of this bit. And he'd be doing it and you'd be like, oh, okay. But then he kept doing it to Lorne. And you realize it would, nothing. You know, because of the 50th anniversary, there's all these documentaries now, Lorne and Lorne. Lorne always keeps his dignity in any situation.

And I'll never forget Leslie Nielsen, Lorne would be like, so I think we're gonna do... And Leslie Nielsen would always do kind of a take like to the side, like, who was that? You know, an innocent, hazy, innocent Leslie Nielsen face take. And you could see that big chunks of Lorne's organs were dying.

Just like the fellow Canadian. Yeah, fellow Canadian, he's having, he's hosting the show. And he's just- You're such a solid. Yeah. And he comes in with this device. Yeah, he comes in with this device. And it's just Lorne's least favorite kind of comedy.

And I was, Ira just was fascinated. And there was nothing Lauren could do. I can't imagine. I was a PA on this, I've talked about it a couple of times, the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, Collateral Damage. And Bill Hardy, actually was his name, and Jason Altiere, they had a fart machine that they're missing, and they put it on the boom guy, Earl Samson.

They put it on his belt without him knowing it. Right. So he was in an elevator with Schwarzenegger. And Francesca Neri was the actress, and they're having this really intense scene like, we got to get out of here and we need it. And it was very- Yeah. And they somehow could do it where it wasn't scene like, we got to get out of here and we need it. And it was very. Yeah, yeah.

And they somehow could do it where it wasn't just like, it was like. Realistic. And so we were all kind of like at the monitor listening. So it's him going, how could you do this? If we can get the antidote, everybody will know. That you are going to be all right. And we were like, I can't hear it.

Can you hear it? Or, and whatever. And then we knew it was working cause then the clapper came in and the guy was laughing. It was shaking. He was like, take three, take three. And then came out, we're like, oh good. And yeah, the Spurl S Samson, the boom guy was like,

where is that coming from? And it was on his belt. I just need to just get out of here. Pfft. Just Arnold ever call it out and say what's happening? No, I think after, I think somebody came in and was like, took it off his belt and came over. We're making a movie.

And we all acted like stupid like, what? Wait, what happened? Who did that? That was 25 years ago, sorry. Jason, Bill, I just outed you guys. But we were all like, wait, what's going on? But it was so perfect. It was too big a farts so it wouldn't have worked. It had to be little, subtle.

If it had been the Leslie Nielsen type variety, that's too much. That's too much. Lorne would have liked this. He would have been like, it's not wet. He would get, I know Lorne would get frustrated when you, He would get, I know Lauren would get frustrated when you, cause you, Malaney, you guys would have these obsessions about very small things in show business that he,

Lauren loves a big, he likes a home run hitter. He likes someone who's going to go out there. He likes, you know, give me your church lady. Give me the character that everyone just can't wait to see. Softball down the middle. And I know that you guys loved coming up with stuff that would kind of, you know, like, I mean, the one I'm thinking of is you were doing

a Judd Hersch impression on the show. Oh yeah, when I came back to host, Steve Higgins saying out of the gate, say, hey, Stevie goes, all right, none of that sandwich in a briefcase shit that you and Malaney like so much. Oh my God. Sandwich in a briefcase is a perfect description.

Of the weird sandwich in a briefcase made me laugh. That's so accurate. Where it'd be like, and I remember, yeah, we had a sandwich in a briefcase in a sketch and it got cut and I told Mulaney he wasn't there. Can I share the concept real fast? Oh yeah, sure, sure. Oh, oh, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, the concept of those sketch we'll edit here, everybody. Okay, and three, two, and. A one and a two and a. It was called Kanish in color. And it was a. I remember this. It was a cop show, a 70s cop show called Kanish. And the host was Kanish.

And then we basically kind of just did that thing where we ripped off from a police squad where everybody, but it wasn't a thing where we all froze and we pretended to be frozen and someone came in. The joke was that they would freeze too early. Yeah. So I'd be like, I gotta tell you, and Judd Hirsch was the captain.

And I had to enter scenes and I go, I'm greetings and salutations, Kanish. I go, you're right, Kanish. Mayor Giuliano was setting all those fires. And you would walk in and it was like, I gotta tell you, Kanish, noh, no, it would freeze too early. Yes, yes. It was a thing that John and I and Fred would get on it too,

where the ideas that we would try, that Warren would just be like, no, super arcade. We want to do one thing about time life. It was a guy, me and Fred, recording time life. It was like a time life commercial. It was like time life commercial. Then it was like, Jimmy Hendrix. Jimmy Hendrix, the star spangled banner.

Then you slowly realize it's a Woodstock. Yeah. And then it was like, John Lennon, John Lennon, John Lennon. And it was just, and we were laughing so hard. And it played like this. Everybody was like, why is that? Why is this happening? Why is this happening?

And we were like, could not get through it. We were laughing so hard. And I just remember, it was one of those things, if you had seen it at SNL, everybody has their stacks of scripts and they're kind of reading along. And if something sucks, you'll just see someone in the middle of a sketch

just go and just drop it on the floor. Oh my God. I saw that many times. Everybody was just dropping it, looking at the next sketch. There's no way we're doing this. And so when you see that, you just take it slower. You're like, John Lennon.

And looking at everybody. Twist the knife. But you know what, maybe you can relate to this, but when I was a kid watching television, I loved it when the people making the comedy, even if I didn't know what they were talking about, if I could sense that they were smart, that they didn't care if I laughed or not,

like Monty Python. Monty Python was a big one, yeah. Monty Python, I didn't understand half of what they were talking about, because sometimes they would do sketches about whatever was happening in London politics or British politics in 1969, 1970. But there'd be other sketches that I didn't quite understand

but I could tell the rhythm of it. I could tell this was really smart, was really funny. And I could also tell that they weren't yearning for my laughter. Yeah, yeah, they're just making themselves laugh. They're making themselves laugh. Yeah, SCTV was like that too. Well, SCTV would do jokes.

There was a towering inferno parody they did where there's a big fire and it was a Towering Inferno parody they did where there's a big fire and it was a, and all the characters and because of, there were so many different characters. I remember that. Remember this? Yeah. Andrea Martin played Edith Prickly,

but she also played another character. So there was one scene, Andrea Martin was playing the other character in the scene. There's like nine characters in the room and they just had Edith Prickly, who always wore like a leopard skin pillbox hat. They clearly just put that on another actor and had that actor turn their back

and so that they could do the sketch. And then at the end of the sketch, I think it was John Candy says, all right, let's get moving. So and so, so and so, so and so, Prickly's double, you come with me. And I'm like, I don't know how old I let's get moving. So and so, so and so, so and so, Prickly's double, you come with me. And I'm like, I'm, I don't know how old I was at the time.

I might have been 14. You're like, you're allowed to do that? I couldn't, I literally felt like a laser beam of truth hit me in the middle of my forehead. And I thought, I can't believe that just came through my television. They didn't care if I noticed that joke or not. They said it so quickly.

Yeah, I mean, John Candy also did that guy. It was like, it was fishing with bands, like where he would have New Wave bands and he would fish with them. And then there was this throwaway thing where they would get the fish and they'd be cooking it and they would offer it to him and he would go, oh, I don't know if it's true, that you, Malaney and Armisen had a text exchange going

for a while. We still do. Where you're the Van Halen brothers? Oh, well, no, that was during the pandemic, but it wasn't that, so we've had basically since the, March 2020 until now, we've had a lot of text exchange going on. And I think that's the biggest thing

that we've had in the last year or so, is that was during the pandemic, but it wasn't that. So we've had basically since March 2020 until now, we have a text chain that, and we basically communicate every day on it. I mean, our girlfriends and wives, you know, are you texting with John and Kimmel sometimes and other people, but I find the Van Halen brothers funny. I've always found them very funny.

They're so talented and such great musicians, but they're very touchy and they would air out their grievances to anybody. Yeah. Yeah. I always find that funny. There was an interview with them when David Lee Roth. They're always mad at David Lee Roth. They're always mad at David Lee Roth,

and it was when they reunited the MDV movie or music awards. And it was just funny how it was like, and then, you know, so Dave just goes up there and, you know, it was like Eddie Van Halen was like, you know, Dave just goes up there, he's popping and booping, doing his Dave thing. He's very disrespectful to Beck. And then you hear Alex Van Halen going, yeah, very disrespectful to Beck. Very disrespectful today. And I sent it to Malaney and Fred, and Malaney said, could you imagine getting rear-ended

by these guys? And then it just started us getting rear-ended, the conversation, and then them holding a press conference. And I remember Fred had the joke, he just put in parentheses, no one is asking anything, no reporter is asking a question. Then it was Eddie Van Halen going, all right, one at a time, one at a time. Are they still mad at David Lee Roth,

even though he wasn't involved in the accident? Yeah. Probably. I just find out, yeah, David Lee Roth is hilarious too. Like there's a story, someone told me, my friend Paul who's in the band The O.C. has told me a story, I don't know if it's true or not, but apparently Henry Rollins was going into

like a morning Zoo Crew interview and David Lee Ross was coming out, you know, so it's like six in the morning. And David Lee Ross got this long, beautiful coat on and Henry Rollins is like, hey man, I just wanna say I'm a big fan and everything. And David Lee Ross got this long, beautiful coat on. And Henry Rollins is like, hey, man, I just want to say I'm a big fan and everything. And David Lee Ross goes, oh, man, you want to drink? And he opened up the can, and he just, it was lined with beer.

The thing with just all these beers. That sounds true. And Henry Rollins is like the most straight-edge guy around. He goes, no, man, no, I don't want to drink. And David Lee Ross went, what's the matter, man? You got school tomorrow. I hope that's true. I hope that's true.

It has to be true. You got school tomorrow. I was like, I love this guy. I love it when people, I always love it. It's literally not progressed since we were the youth of the moment. I'm gonna go to school tomorrow. I was like, I love this guy. I love it when people, I always love it. He's literally not progressed since when he was in high school. I love it when people are, I love it when people are who you want them to be.

At all times. That always made me really happy when I would meet celebrities or famous people and they were exactly, exactly who I wanted them to be. When I worked at South Park, he pitched a movie to us where it was like, where he was in a cell phone booth, and he were exactly, exactly who I wanted them to be. When I worked at South Park, he pitched a movie to us where it was like, he was an assassin and stuff. And he was like, a guy tried to get his dog back. And we were like, oh, and we had to say,

oh, they made this movie John Wick, that's kind of similar. Nah, but the guy has a dog? I go, yeah, no, he has a dog. Famously, famously. Wait, what do you mean he's got a dog? And then, yeah, I know he has a dog. Famously, famously he has. What do you mean he's got a dog? And then he makes no one see those movies. And Trey Parker pitched, he goes, well, what if you're you and it's like,

you happen to go on these missions, but you gotta have the band, the band's also going, hey, Dave, we need you on tour and stuff like that. He goes, nah, I don't want those guys involved with this. No. No. No. No. No. No. you on tour and stuff like that. He goes, no, I don't want those guys involved with this. Then he came by, I remember he walked around South Park and people, they draw on their desk and they can move around and so they draw like this.

So it's like the drawing desk is like canted. There was a guy drawing and he just walked around and he went up to this guy, he was drawing like that. He goes, and he just sees him with this desk he goes hey what's wrong with you long night? Everything's in a party context. And he goes, long night? And the guy went whoa Diamond Dave! I'm not kidding.

Don't you think that's his life? People coming out of Mantle? It is me, then. Hey, it is me, Diamond Danes. We are at the South Pasadena Fourth of July parade, and he was just unaffiliated with the parade, riding around on a bicycle throughout the parade grounds. He was not invited to the parade. He was nothing to do at the parade. That's my favorite.

I want to beat him. And he was nice. I just want to make it clear. We loved him at the South Park. It wasn't like a thing where we were like, oh, why is this guy here? We were like totally in awe. We were like, oh my God, that's fucking David Lee Roth. And he did not disappoint at all.

And he was so sweet and nice, but yeah, it was awesome. You're one of those people, you fall into this class of person, there's a bunch of them, who I rarely have a normal conversation with. Because it goes into riffs and voices right away. There's a whole bunch of people, I think Will Ferrell's in that group,

where I feel that if we were on a deserted island, stranded, we wouldn't even go searching for food or water. We would just be doing bits. Well the bits would just drive everybody crazy. Yeah, and then it's funny though, we'll have those conversations, and then it's usually when we're paying the check that I'm like, hey, I'm really depressed.

I'm going through something and you're like, oh man, I'm so. Well no, it's true. And then I feel like I, I'm like, yeah, we'll get to that. You know who's also depressed? Wow. Who this guy? Yeah.

I mean you're depressed. Yeah. Now, don't do Colombo right now. We... Because before the podcast, I went in and I was chatting with you, and I went in and the first thing I was gonna do was ask you, because I know you live in the Palisades,

and I was gonna ask you about, you know, your house and family and everything. Before I could do it, we got off onto something. And then we're just laughing our asses off like idiots. And then, just as we're about to come to the podcast, you went, yeah, I know, uh, no, we, uh, we are the podcast, you went, yeah, no, no, we are, I think you said two of our houses burned or something. And it was something really, and I thought, shit,

I was supposed to start with that. No, that's our whole, that's been our whole friendship. It's joy and fun and goofing around, and then it's like, oh yeah, I'm here to tell you, should I go on medication, Conan? Yeah. Yeah. You know.

Not if it makes you less funny. No. Yeah. No. Absolutely not. Get those endorphins running with voices. You should not ask Conan if you should be on medication. No, no, I'm on so much medication.

No, no, but it is true. Yeah, we lost, so my kids, my ex-wife and I live very close to each other, and she lost her house, and then my house is standing, but unlivable. It's like, there's just devastation all around. Then the only way I could get up there, so the fires are on Tuesday. I wasn't there because I was shooting

the VW commercial with the Californians. We were shooting that commercial and so dressed as the guy from the Californians in Malibu. We look up and there's smoke. And it was me and Kristen Wigginessien. And Kristen, that morning when there's a really bad windstorm coming, I'm really concerned about fires.

First thing she said to me. And then I was shooting and I look up, I saw smoke and the guys go, oh, don't worry, that's in the palisades. I go, I live in the palisades, and it was just dead silence. And then I was like, I gotta go. And so I never got a chance to go home.

And so I went, I just went up and I go, here I have medication, which is true, up there and I need to go and get it. And they said, no, it's too dangerous. And I saw news crews and I literally just went up to them and I was like, you recognize me? And they were like, no. And I was like, all right, I go to go and get it and they said, no, it's too dangerous. And I saw news crews and I literally just went up to them and I was like, you recognize me? And they were like, no. And I was like, all right.

I go to the next one, I was like, you recognize me? And the guy was like, hey, no way, hey, what's going on? Diamond Dave. Diamond Dave. And I was like, that's right. Yeah. Hey man, I gotta get my stirrup. I'm sure to her, she can be whoever you wanna be.

Hey, you seen ordinary people? Um. Storum showed her she can be whoever you want to be. Hey, you seen ordinary people Have a taxi Shit They let you up. They let me up. I went up with them So I went up with a news crew and I go do you guys want to interview me? I saw you interview so that was the only way I could get up there was if I went up with the news crew. Oh my God. And so I went up, went into my house

and I was like, oh wow, it's not too bad. And then I just stepped and it was like dust, toxic stuff everywhere. And then the back, it was no good. And I was just in total shock. Sona lost her place in Altadena. I'm sorry. And it is something that must still feel crazily surreal

to you. Yeah, it does. Yeah. It's hard. It's crazy. It is, it's just, you wanna keep things in perspective and say everyone's okay, but you miss the stuff that you lost, the community's gone. Yeah, the community's gone.

That was the hardest thing was actually seeing like, oh my gosh, this is my kids. Yeah. Because everything is gone. That was the thing that hit me so hard was, oh my God, so that was horrible. I thought I was going to go up there and hopefully the house would be somewhat okay and I could get my passport and get out of there or something.

And instead of just seeing the devastation in that community and everything, I was like speechless. So then I could feel those guys going, oh, we're going to get a good interview with you, and they could see that it was hitting me, and then they felt bad and they went, we'll just turn off the camera and let's just take you back. I was like, all right, thanks. Well, you didn't do one?

I did do one, they aired it. Oh. Bastards. Now I'm joking. Thank you. Cry, cry, cry. You did nine characters. I did nine characters. I was like, oh God. I can't believe it's gone.

You guys like that? How about that? Love me, love me. It never ends. Nothing will make it die. My need for a laugh. No. But yeah, it was crazy. I had this moment, the moment that hit me was I grabbed, I had this instinct that I just grabbed my keys.

I put it in my pocket and I went, this, the car keys, the keys, these open nothing. I just put them away. I was like, those were those moments. But yeah, and everybody who's dealing with it, I mean, it's horrible. The amount of GoFundMe's have been on

and stuff like that, it's just been rough. It's one of those strange things occurred to me where the news is always showing us every part of the world where something crazy is happening. And you sort of become, you know, you're distanced from it, but you're just seeing these terrible things happen in other places. And then something on sort of,

with that kind of intensity happened. Yeah. Yeah. You think, wait a minute. Well, the thing that's amazing to me is when I'm looking at my kids and they've been through a pandemic and then they've been through this and there,

my daughter, I was like, well, I found a rental house. And she went, oh, can I see it? And like, oh, and then she made the inner computer. She made this like overview, overhead view of her room. She's like, oh cool, so maybe I could put a dresser here. She was so positive. Yeah. I went, oh, they're so resilient.

They have their moments, but it's the opposite. Everybody's like, oh, you're there for your kids. I'm like, no, I'm getting more from them. I'm so inspired by them. I'm like so inspired by them and their ability to kind of move and adapt and be positive. Yeah. Also, I feel like especially really young kids,

your kids are three and a half, Mikey and Charlie, they only know now, like they're so present that we've talked about how you have no choice, but to be present with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're moving on. They've moved on already. I don't even know if they fully,

I mean, I know they remember the house, but it's starting to be muddled in with like, oh, we went to the mountains once. So that's like maybe the mountain house that we went to. Like they're just, they're losing their memory of it. And you're like, I don't remember my house at three and a half. So it makes sense that they just kind of. That's true.

Are moving on. Yeah, mine are 15, 12 and 10. So it's like, they were, you know, it was tough. And I mean, that was the most heartbreaking thing as my 10 year old just saying, I just want to go home. And you're like, honey, we can't, I can't go home. And that was brutal. But now it's, yeah, I get inspiration from them.

And yeah, just being very lucky that you have a great support system of friends. Alyssa Donovan who works with me, my girlfriend, Allie Wong, like all these people have just been great. So yeah, it is a funny thing that Allie and I went today to just literally have to shop for clothes. I know! I know!

And it was very sweet. She was like, let's go get you some jeans. It's like you're going to camp. I know it was, but it was very sweet. It meant a lot to me that she was like, no, because I'm just wearing like Uniqlo sweats, you know, that I basically, you know, and my kids are like, you just,

you're living in your pajamas, you know? I feel like they're very worried, and I told her about that, and she was like, let me take you to get some clothes. So that was, so those are the moments. They're just weird. I don't have, obviously don't have, we're displaced from our home, we can't get back in

and there's been a lot of smoke damage, but my situation was just, I have a lot of clothes in the back of my car. And so I'm in a hotel and I'm here at the recording studio and moving around and I'm in different places. And so I try to do regular workouts. I think it's clear. And-

I was saying you look good. Yeah. Real nice. Say it again as Vincent Price. You look very nice. So. Oh, faddle. Faddle.

Dana Gold's word. Faddle. We were watching The Last Man on Earth and there's a point when Vincent Price gets angry and he throws something and he went, faddle we were watching the last man on earth and there's a point when Vincent Price gets angry and he throws something and he went faddle Fell over So okay, what okay, so you're hot How have you made this about your hot

Supposed to do a workout on zoom No sneakers No, no, no, I had to, I was supposed to do a workout on Zoom, and I realized that I had no sneakers. Oh. And so I looked down and I was wearing shoes. Yeah. I got two people at an Alta Dena. Well, I think, now listen. Aw, you didn't have your sneakers?

Shelter being like, just around like, he didn't have his sneakers. Yeah. What do we not have? Everything. Here's what I want to say. Now, I had sneakers that were perfectly good for working out, but for the kind of workout I was going to do, I like ones that have, well, Brooks makes ones that have, if it's

going to be more aerobic, it has more of an insole. And well, they're costly, but that's the ones that I wanted. And they were, of course, back at the house, which is fine, but I don't have access to. Why isn't this seen as a tragedy? We don't have spoons. We have nothing. Let me tell you another one I got. There's this kind of sea salt. You guys know what dips are, right?

Well, I can do 20 dips. Well, I can do five on my own. 15 with my trainer holding my legs. One trainer holding each leg. One trainer holding each leg. And another one lifting me up like a child. Like a child. Let me try that one.

I'm gonna try that one. I'm gonna try that one. One trainer holding each leg. One trainer holding each leg, and another one lifting me up by my, like a child, by my shoulders. Let me try again. Guys, I don't have access to my home, and there's this kind of sea salt that I have in my home. It's there, the house is there. It's pink. It's a pink sea salt. I can't put sea salt on the chocolate anymore. No! No! And so you don't get the salty and the sweet. You get just the sweet.

Then I go down to Kelsen's, and it's not there. No! Then I go to Erewhon, but of course, there's a line. I think my stories rank with yours. And I say, what do you mean you don't have the Haley Beaver smoothie? You ran out of raspberry. You know what? I swear to God, I've always... And lemon curd. My mind always goes to what would make people mad.

And me having a GoFundMe. To get my sea salt. To get the sea salt that I like, that I don't have access to. It would get people so mad. I can't believe this. This is an atrocity. What do you mean you don't have those almond pretzel bites? There are $25 per bite. Per bite. What do you mean you have no kimchi? Daddy needs his kimchi. Where is the kimchi? Who cares if there's no electricity?

I need my kimchi. Me as that character going to different people who've had a terrible, facing a much, a really bad situation. I don't know, it makes me happy, but then I realize, oh, it's so awful. It's so awful and I'm sorry. I can't, yeah, it is, yeah, it was just, and it's interesting too, running into people who are also lost over the house.

I mean, that's the nice thing too, I'll say, is that so many people went through it. So, you know, with my kids and everybody, you know, it's like they're running, they have friends who are going through the same thing. And so they're all bonding. I'm trying to just take it back to reality and trying to forget what Conan just said.

I know. I'm joking. The raw sneakers thing. I'm joking. After we talked about losing our homes and you didn't have the right sneaker, you had sneakers, but not the right sneakers. The sneakers I had were perfectly good.

Oh, okay, okay. For any workout. When I go back to my house. But I prefer them. After they've fumigated it. And I go into my pretty woman-like closet. Now I'm just gonna have to go in there and destroy everything.

The uh... It's the perfect... I know. Sea salt is the perfect thing to go fund me. Oh my god, I have a headache. Just a picture of me in a white tuxedo. My house is fine! On a yacht.

But I don't have access to my sea salt. During the fires, I took my yard out to Catalina. Do you know what that was like for me? Do you know what that was like for me? The rocking back and forth. The people saying, can we get on? We say, no. I have to hit them with an oar.

Hitting them with an oar. Throughout my back. I hurt my back. Yeah! I have to hit them with an oar. Hitting them with an oar. Throughout my back. I hurt my back. I just told my daughter, here's an oar. Poke at them if they try to get home. Ha ha ha ha! That reminds me of a,

this is a crazy memory, takes me back to an SNL sketch of I think there was a terrible disaster. I forget what it was. I think it might be a Downey sketch. There was a terrible disaster. He's the king of. Yeah, and a Jim Downey sketch.

And what happens is all the A-listers have been wiped out. And so the B-listers have been elevated. It's just a bunch of agents trying to figure out who the new A-listers are. But I remember there was one part where like Charlton Heston is on an over-cap sized boat and he's hitting people with a war-cited. I don't know.

I love that. Yeah, Downey was always the guy that would come up with a sketch that you were like, oh really, we're gonna do this? Yeah, he was always the guy that I would be like, you want me to do this? Really? He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, it Yeah, yeah, it'll be great. Everybody will laugh. Okay, I hope so.

But yeah, you know the sketch I always think of that I wish that so many people have told me about Dana Carvey told me about everything was giant business man. That was the Jack Handy one. Yeah. Jack Handy, he had the office next to the one where Greg Daniels, Bob Odenkirk and I had an office and Robert Smigel would come back there all the time and the bunch of us would just work on things together.

Handy had the office next to ours and we of course would stay up like three nights in a row and Jack Handy would come in and he'd put in, it's like he worked at a bank or something, he would put in eight hours and Jack Handy would come in and he'd put in, it's like he worked at a bank or something. He would put in eight hours and he'd type and you'd think, well, we're staying up three nights in a row. And then his stuff at rehearsal. It would be unbelievable.

Unbelievable, but Giant Businessman I love. Giant Businessman was just, Phil Hartman is a giant businessman inside a small, so it was him inside a small like apartment set. Yeah, yeah. And he's like this, and it's like, you know, part of it. And now the adventures of the giant businessman. And then it was him, and then, and next door are people,

a band playing like loud, and then he can't concentrate. So then it comes to him, and he's like in the hallway, and he has to like crawl on his knees it cuts to him and he's like in the hallway and he has to like crawl on his knees. He's like huge, barely fit in the hallway and he taps on the door with his finger and someone answers the door and he's like in jibes and he goes, Excuse me, can you please turn your music down? And the person goes, No, and if you ask us again,

we'll kick your ass. And then it cuts to him back in his apartment. He takes up a tiny telephone and he goes, Hello, witness protection program. This has been the adventures of giant businessman. So the fact that he's a giant and the fact that he's a businessman has nothing to do. No, and that he could step on these people.

That he could step on them and that he got scared. And so many people, Al Franken and Downey and Dana, and everybody go, I remember him doing it at the table, and they said that was the biggest laugh that they had heard at the table. That it just kept going into the next sketch where people are like, wait, what? I remember, Will Forte was like that.

He had that sketch, Potato Chip, that people talk about sometimes. That was at the table read. The script said potato chip. And then Lauren reads the stage direction, and Lauren went, open on NASA, and we all died. Because we were like, what? It's called potato chip.

Open on NASA, and we all fell over. I'm like, what? It's called potato chip. Open on NASA and we all fell over. Yeah, yeah. I mean, well, Forte, I don't know where, he's like one of those guys, like him and John Solomon when they get together, it's like they don't know where it comes from. Yeah.

You know, it's just very genuine. And he doesn't, when you would write with him, I would be laughing hard and he kind of wouldn't be laughing. He would kind of look at you like, yeah, so, and then he would say the funniest shit I've ever heard, but it didn't, yeah, he's like, no, no, no, these are jokes and we'll put them together, you know, but I always admired that, you know,

cause he never would try to put on or anything. He was just very, just genuinely very funny. It came from a really pure place. Yeah, very pure place, yeah. I was always impressed with that. Well, we've tapped out. We've gone, I mean, you've given us much joy. You've also given us some reality, which I, of course-

Ignore. I talked about people losing their homes and I made it, you know, about how I don't- Those really good sneakers. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. You can see it from my point of view. Now I get it. No, no.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, you get it. No, no, but you know what I mean. The ones with the really good arch support. It was you and a Ralphs going, Betty Crocker. Who the hell is Betty Crocker? Why is this so expensive?

My God. Ashes. Ashes. Ashes. Someone carry me out of here. Nine people with me carry me away. I think about you from time to time because you're obviously one of the funniest people, certainly I've ever met,

but you're also, you're a very sensitive person and you're a really sweet guy and I like it when we get to hang out and I'd like to hang out more and maybe try and riff a little less and find out how you're doing, like how are you? No, man, but that's good though. It always gets around to that.

It gets around to it. It always gets around to that and you always give me great advice. The thing I always feel like, it's a whole cottage industry. You mentioned in an interview, oh yeah, I suffer really bad anxiety and depression and stuff,

and then everybody's, it becomes like a whole thing, where now it's like I would do interviews and I'm like, Google my name and anxiety, you'll see everything I have to say about it, do you know what I mean? And like depression and all that. But when I talk to people like you or Marty

or these other people I admire so much for so long. And you guys, we talk about it and stuff. You guys have been so great at listening and giving me great advice. So I really appreciate that. Yeah, it's good just to know that so many people out there who in all walks of life have this issue, but it's also particularly an occupational hazard.

Oh yeah. In the comedy world, I don't know what it is, but it's the flip side of the coin. Yeah, totally. And I think I've just gotten to this place though, where it's like kind of for the first time in a healthier place. I mean, it's nice seeing Allie, my girlfriend,

who's just stand up, but is like a very solid person. Like she makes breakfast for her kids every morning, makes dinner, she's home. It's like her priorities are so dead on. And I'm like, wow, you can be really funny, really smart and do all the cool stuff and still have that, you know, be a person, you know, a human, you know, so that's been helpful.

Oh, Conan's sad. No, I'm just, now I'm thinking I gotta start making food. Oh, you need to do a lot more than that. I know. What do you want? All right, what does everyone want for breakfast? No! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Eggs Benedict! Ha ha ha ha ha! Post-Mate-Hit! Ha ha ha ha ha! You will get honey nut Cheerio. Ha ha ha ha ha! Benedict. Benedict. Benedict. Post-Mate-it. Post-Mate-it. Post-Mate-it. Post-Mate-it. You will get honey nut Cheerio. You will get honey nut Cheerio. Dry honey nut Cheerio.

Dry honey nut Cheerio. I love this version of me. Cause it is me. Just with that different accent. God bless you. I'm the mayor of a multi. I'm the mayor of a multi. I'm the mayor of a multi.

I'm the mayor of a multi. My house largely unscathed. My house largely unscathed. Largely unscathed. As usual. Bill Hader, God bless you. Thank you for being here. Thanks, guys. Cyber crime is a serious problem in the United States.

Is this a PSA? The internet can be a very dark, dark place. And Sona, I understand that you've been the victim of a intended scam that didn't work. That's right, I was a target. You were a target. And do you wanna back this up and say what exactly happened?

Yeah, there's an email that is no longer checked. It's not a working email, but every once in a while, someone will check it, like once a month, once every two weeks, whatever. It was forwarded to me, and it's an email from Conan O'Brien. Yeah, and it says, request for contact information. Dear Sona, I hope you're doing well.

This guy did not do his research. When you have a moment, could you please share your personal mobile number with me? I have a task I'd like you to assist with. Best regards, Conan O'Brien. Wow. Yeah. Well, a couple of problems there.

It doesn't quite have my tone. No. And I would know not to ask for your assistance. In any matter. That was such a lazy try. I know. What's the end game here? Because what they ultimately want

is to get in touch with you. They want myself. Yeah. That was such a lazy try. I know. What's the end game here? Because what they ultimately want is to get in touch with you. They want myself. Yeah. And so, you know, I mean, it's just, but it's also best regards Conan O'Brien. And then in what world do you not have my cell phone? Also, there's no bit in there.

Yeah. There's no shtick. I hope you're doing well. You don't hope I'm doing well. More importantly, there's no insult. Well, that's what I mean. There's no sht'm doing well. More importantly, there's no insult. Well, that's what I mean. There's no shtick, there's no bit, there's no hook. This person has never listened to this podcast,

has never watched any of my work, has me confused with the ambassador, the American ambassador to France, Dean Adlai Stevenson. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous. That's a letter between two high functionaries in the late 50s. That's the thing.

It's like, if we were actual functioning adults, that would make sense, but that doesn't, you've never ended an email with best regards, Conan O'Brien. Right, and my email too would be like, hey, Sona, why is Skrillex keep calling me? And another thing, trying to buy a coffin for a squirrel and getting nowhere.

Maybe this was Skrillex. I love to throw out some celebrity that's a complete, has no connection to me in any way. That's one of my favorite things to do. And then to say to you or to David, like, why is Dua Lipa texting me constantly? What's that all about? Lately, it's a lot of Benny Blanco.

Yes, I'm obsessed with the name Benny Blanco. I'm like, can someone get Benny Blanco off my ass? And you'll be like, wait, what's going on? And I'll say, he's blowing up my DMs. I don't wanna hang and I don't even go bowling. I don't even know where you would go bowling. And so who would lie about that? Who with real things to worry about

would lie about Selena Gomez's boyfriend or fiancee I was wondering who it was. wanting to go. You don't know who Benny Blanco is? Who you been, man? Come on, Matt. Get with it, bro. I've been bowling with Skrillex.

Skrillex. Skrillex. Skrillex. Skrillex. Oh my God, Eduardo's laughing at you so hard. Yeah. Skrillex. Skrillex. Skrillex. Skrillex. Oh my God, Eduardo's laughing at you so hard. Skrillex. Skrillex. Skrillex.

Oh God. Yeah, he no longer dates Skrill, he Skrill's ex. Okay. My point is- You know what? My point is that I do wanna get it out there that I am sick and fucking tired of Benny Blanco sliding into my DMs.

Okay, you know what? You don't even, can I just say- Does Benny Blanco even know who I am? Cause I get the sense he's really cool. I don't think he does. He seems like a cool guy. I don't know if he does. And Selena Gomez seems like a really cool person. They're a very cool couple.

And now I'm obsessed with Benny Blanco reaching out to me. And I don't think it's gonna happen. I don't even know much about Benny Blanco reaching out to me. And I don't think it's gonna happen. I don't even know much about Benny Blanco. If he does, would you try to like say cool things to him? Yes, I would. Okay, I was just wondering if like. Okay, let's try it right now. You be Benny Blanco.

Hey, Conan, sup, bro. Hey, Benny Blanco, what's the score? Wait, he did write that email. Hey, Benny Blanco, hope you're doing well. Could I have your personal information? Best regards, Conan O'Brien. Why are Hey, Benny Blanco, hope you're doing well. Could I have your personal information? Best regards, Conan O'Brien. Why are you saying Benny Blanco? Why don't you just say, hey, Benny, nice to hear from you.

We haven't been properly introduced yet. You're still Benny Blanco to me, Benny. Then you said, what's the score? Yeah. Sorry, okay, all right. Why are you talking so weird? Conan, I'm just seeing what's up, man. My best regards to Selena.

Oh. She has conquered vocally music and she has done quite well in light comedy with Murders in the Building. Oh! Murders in the Building. Conan, is this really Conan or is this a scam? Oh, you bet your booties, Blanco.

This is the real McCoy. Just wondering how you're doing. Maybe we could hang sometime, get the old Bruceki Aruni. Oh, Bruceki Aruni, huh? You know what? Actually, I'm busy. I just wanted to check in, and I heard you've been talking a lot about me,

but I'm not sliding into your DMs. You're old. I'm not that old, Benny Blanco. Hey, and someday you'll be my age, and your hips will hurt. God, I hope not. I won't ever get as old as you. Well, few people have, Benny Blanco.

Few people have. I'm the rare human that's made it this far. Well, my best to you, Benny Blanco. Yes. OK. It was really good talking to you. You'll never hear from me again, Conan. See you in the clubs. Oh, God.

Don't say clubs. You won't see me in any of the clubs that you think that you would go to. I don't know. You see me? It's me any of the clubs that you think that you would go to. I don't know. It's me Skrillex. Oh God. I'll hang out with you.

Hey look, it's Diplo. Oh my God, Diplo. Yeah, I saw his name on a billboard once and I got obsessed. Yeah. Diplo in Vegas and I was like, I don't know what he does. There's just a picture of a guy staring at me.

I want a piece of that. He's a DJ. Okay, whatever. I want a piece of that. He's a DJ. Okay, whatever. I know they're DJs because it's- Producer DJ. Yeah, oh Jesus, Eduardo. Oh, come on, fuck you, Eduardo. You've gone too far now.

Oh, come on. Eduardo, all I know is that when I see a billboard of a man scowling at me and just wearing no particular outfit, just a t-shirt and they're scowling at me and it wearing no particular outfit, just a t-shirt, and they're scowling at me, and it's a name and it says Vegas, I know they're a DJ. But there's no, what kind of show business is that? If Diplo or Benny Blanco or any DJ

ever invited you to Vegas for one of their DJ sets, I know it's not your scene. You have to go. And you have to stand next to him in the booth. Message to Benny Blanco, Diplo, Skrillex, Habnet, Jab Jab. Who else? Tiesto. Tiesto.

Oh, my god, Tiesto. Steve Aoki? Steve Aoki. Yeah, I mean, you just. Paulie D. What's that? Paulie D. Paulie D.

Oh, DJ Paulie D. Wait, Paulie D from Jersey Shore? That's Adam's favorite. Wait, they still don't know his last name? Paulie fucking. Oh, DJ Paulie Dee. Wait, Paulie Dee from Jersey Shore? That's Adam's favorite DJ. They still don't know his last name? Paul is fucking Jersey over here, that's why. Okay, so listen, let's wrap it up and let's summarize. Paulie Dee, Tedesco. Tiesto.

What's that? Tiesto. Tiesto. Chainsmokers, technically. Chainsmokers, I mean, you name it, you got it. Porter Robinson. Of course, I mean, I name it, you got it. Or, Porter Robinson. Of course, I mean, I had that one written down before you even said it. Wolfman Jack.

No, I want to hang with any of- No, don't, don't, don't, don't. Wolfgang Amadeus, so you're not too far off. Yeah, well, that's what he meant. I know. Listen, I am ready to hang with any DJ in Vegas if it gets me the street cred I need. Yeah. Because no one's going gonna see that coming.

Me standing next to them while they're DJing, whatever that is. With a big hat, cause it's Vegas and you're probably outside and you're like fully covered. I'm holding one of those incredibly giant liquors. What is it? Oh, a yard of beer? I thought you were gonna say like a Asian parasol

or something like that. Yes, I'm holding a geishas parasol in Vegas and holding a very moderately sized 0.0 Heineken. No, no. Covered head to toe. Ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch, ooch. Hey, Diplo, there's Benny Blanco and Skrillex. Boo! All right, I'm signing off. Ooch, ooch, hey Diplo, there's Benny Blanco and Skrillex.

Boo! Boo! Boo! All right, I'm signing off. Oh, please end this. Enjoy this segment. Best regards. Best regards, Conan O'Brien.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista,

and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.