Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Billy Eichner

Episode Date: June 24, 2019

Comedian Billy Eichner feels mixed about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Billy sits down with Conan to talk about his dream guests for ‘Billy on the Street,’ creating his own world in the industry, writing the first major gay rom-com, and voicing Timon in the remake of The Lion King. Plus, Conan and producer Matt Gourley resolve a scheduling dispute.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by Heinz Mayonnaise, Hair Club (www.hairclub.com/CONAN), Chrysler Pacifica (www.pacificaconan.com), Policygenius (www.policygenius.com), MeUndies (www.meundies.com/CONAN), and Turo.

Hi, my name is Billy Eichner and I feel mixed about being Conan O'Brien's friend. I swear to God, I heard stomach acid. Yeah, there was like something like gurgling. I hope to God that came through on the microphone. I really do, do. Did you hear it? I heard it. I didn't want to stop because I'm a professional.

I love it that we got it on. It was like came right up from my stomach because I'm drinking a soda and that's what happened. It was fantastic. The thought of saying your name makes me physically ill, my body. In this podcast, we're going to play it again right now. Okay, it's time again for Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast. We've got going, coming along.

I really do enjoy it. I love it actually. It's a lot of fun and I have my peeps, what people call them these days, my assistant Sonam of Sessian. Hey, Sonam. Hi, Conan. How are you? I'm doing very well.

Is peeps, that's kind of over? What would you say now? My BFFs, what are you guys? I feel like anything you say won't work. Is that mean? I'm sorry. No, no, no. Because it's coming out of my face.

It's coming out of your face and it's also like, is that cool? It's like you always follow it with like, is that what cool people say? Like you kind of just have to say it. Is that impression of me or Frank Stallone? Frank Stallone. Frank Stallone. Oh my God. And then, well, equally helpful is Mr. Matt Goorley, the podcast ways.

How are you, Matt? I'm good. What's up, my boon companion? Okay. What the hell? Why are you, he's doing this weird thing where he's rubbing his wrists like Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. I've got wood stain on my hands.

You've got a what? Wood stain on my hands. Why do you have wood stain on your hands? I'm staining my fence. You're staining your own fence. Yeah, and I can't tell what's moles and what's wood stains. You need to go, I was going to say that you have four terrible skin cancers and then I'm glad.

I'm sorry, you're right. See, I didn't even see that until you said that enough. Yeah, you were covered in splotches, so how are you, are you finger painting your fence? What are you doing? I'm dipping your hands in stain and then slapping it along the fence and saying, me make fence pretty. What are you doing? It's just hot out and I'm just slapping the brush in and throwing it up there and it's

a mess. Are you a handy fellow? I enjoy it, that stuff. You like to get around the house and fix stuff up. I like it a lot. Yeah. What is that? You just took a little piece of wood stain off of your arm and you put it in front of

me. It looks like you pulled a mold, doesn't it look like a mold? It does. I don't know which one it is. It's disgusting and it's got arm hair attached to it and skin cells. That's gross. I didn't want that. I'm sorry, I apologize.

When you were at a crime scene, are you going to use that to track down the murderer? Well, maybe you're the murderer of my career. Wow. Nicely done, Gourly. Nicely done. That was a big leap. Really was. Yeah.

Really not at all. Hey, I'm excited about today. I'll tell you that much right now, gang. Me too. Yeah. We have a great guest. My guest tonight is a hilarious comedian. You know him from his show, Billy on the Street.

You know, I've known this guy for years. We've sent him on many remotes on our show. He's consistently hilarious, inventive, delightfully creative, and I just love him. On July 19th, he'll be able to hear him as the voice of Timon in Disney's highly anticipated live action remake of The Lion King. He's with us right now. Billy Eichner. Thanks for being here, Billy.

Amazing. Yeah. I loved it. That was incredible. They should bump up the volume on that. Could you hear it? Yeah, they heard it. Oh, no, no.

They don't need to bump up the volume. They don't need to. It sounds like we had mic'd your stomach. It really does. It sounds like you're having a procedure. Yeah. A complicated... I have some...

Some... What do they call it? Polyps. Polyps. Yeah. What we do on this podcast, we talk to people and as we talk to them just so that we kill two birds with one stone, we also perform various surgical procedures, removals. We did a lot of facial work on Martin Short when he was here.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we took out some crow's feet. We pulled that face back. It's as tight as a drum now. Looks like a young Jane Fonda. He looks like Jane Fonda when she was 15 years old now. Congratulations to Marty Short on his new face. Billy, I'm thrilled that you're here.

Thank you. Thank you for doing this. I've been such a big fan of yours for a very long time. And you've always so graciously... You would do bits for us. Oh, yeah. And we've had some misadventures together. I remember we went on Grindr together for a remote.

We did. That was so fun. Yeah. And I learned a lot that night. You did. I kind of predated the whole inclusiveness thing. Yes. Thank you.

Yeah. And people always thought that was my idea. They actually... People used to ask me, like, oh, how did you get Conan to do that Grindr bit? And I was like, no, no, no, no. His team came up with that. No, it wasn't even my team. It was you.

It was me. I was insistent. I had to get on Grindr. You just wanted some dick. And then... Don't we all? And then I was... Then I had to go, oh, it's a comedy bit.

Right. I had to get Billy Eichner, yeah. And that got me into the Grindr community. And no, it was... You've always done terrific bits for us. And of course, everyone first came to know you doing that fantastic segment that I love. Everybody loves Billy on the Street. What I loved is that there's a lot of people that do pure energy in comedy, but don't have

necessarily the comedic chops or the content. There are other people that have the content, but don't have the manic energy. You're one of the few people that combined both and it was fantastic. Just fantastic. Yeah. And so I thought, oh, this guy is really funny on his feet and also fearless. And so my first question was, I can do fearless things, I think, but I'm always nervous just before I do them, especially when it involves people I don't know.

There's a little bit of shyness I need to overcome. And then once I overcome it, I can act like a total fool. Were you ever afraid? Is there anything that you're overcoming to run up to people on the street and confront them like that? Yes. And first I should say, just going back, you were the first major talk show to ever have me on.

So thank you very much. Oh. It was against my wishes. Well... Yeah, there was a quota to fill. I don't have a lot of power at Conan. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Someone needed to fill that void. Yes. So thank you for that. You've always been so supportive. And yeah, those bits I did with you, I went to the Super Bowl for you when Madonna was the halftime show. That still is this day, I think, one of the best things I ever did. It was so great because you're such a Madonna fan.

I really was. It came from a very real place. No, and you know what? Comedy that's based on real, not fake, but real passion, enthusiasm always works better. You know, if a comedian goes to make fun of something, it often, I think, falls flat. When someone goes, when you went and you were, you built a religion around Madonna, and you're going to see her at the Super Bowl, it was, it made all the comedy that much better. Yeah, it did.

And back to your question, yes, especially when I first started doing the Billy on the Street bits, which by the way, people don't realize, I started doing them from my live show in New York and I'm 40. So this was like back in 2004. Actually, this summer is the 15th year that I've been shooting some version of a Billy on the Street video and I was making them for my live show. This is before a couple of years before YouTube even came along. And so I vividly recall the first time I went to shoot them walking in Washington Square

Park and I had to circle the park multiple times in order to work up the nerve to go up to someone. Because I know this is like, sounds like an annoying, actor-y thing, but it really is so out of my comfort zone to do this. Now I'm used to it. It's been 15 years. I mean, you know, I got used to it somehow. And still, the mornings I wake up and have to shoot a Billy on the Street segment, I'm,

I just want it to be over. Well, can I just say something? I don't know if you can relate to this, but I've shot thousands and thousands and thousands of hours since 1993 out in the street, around the world, going up to people I don't know. And there's always something in my mind that's saying they hate you, they, they're gonna say something to you that hurts your feelings. You're gonna, you know, and it doesn't happen, but that's the fear. And I don't know if people can relate to that when they see these segments.

They just think, oh, Billy Eichner, he's not worried about anything, but there's, there is a little bit of fear when you invade someone's space and try and do comedy. They can shut you down. Yeah. Everyone always says, oh, you're fearless, but I always laugh at that. It's so funny because I'm so not fearless. But the bit works. I do, I still think miraculously that Billy on the Street, when it's good, still makes

me laugh somehow, even after all of these years. And I think it's weirdly, it's had a very strange trajectory. It's gotten more popular over time, um, the world for all of our jokes, the world did get more inclusive, entertainment did get more LGBT friendly. I think Billy on the Street does have a bit of a gay sensibility for lack of a better word. Certainly has a Billy sensibility. And so it, you know, I love doing it. I love that people love it.

It makes me feel good how much people love it. The people who love it really, really love it. And so I keep doing it, but you know, it's an odd thing to do. I started off as an actor. I went to theater school and it's one thing to be on stage. It's another thing to literally rush up to someone in the middle of their day and force them to talk about, you know, Kate Winslet, which is funny and also a ridiculous thing to do.

Well, it's so great because so much of it is, as I said earlier, it's the energy and the speed and you come rushing in and they don't have time. They don't have time. And I think that's key because we live in an era where everybody's media savvy, everybody, but you're not giving people time to be media savvy. There's no time. So you're rushing right in and they have to be themselves because they have no other choice.

And people say to me, but how can you still do it? Don't people recognize you? But they don't have time to process that. Right. They don't recognize me. Of course, more people know me now than when I started, but I catch people off guard. That's part of what's fun about it. And I run around with people who are way more famous than I am.

We just did a video with the Jonas Brothers, you know, like all three of them. They're very popular, but when you're not expecting it, you know, and all of a sudden we're all on your face and I'm coming at you with the energy that I do, you're going to get a real reaction out of someone. Any time I encounter all three Jonas Brothers when I don't expect it, it freaks me out. Yeah. Usually, you know, in your bed. In my bed, I'm always like, guys, no.

Again, you're so inclusive now. I really appreciate it. I want to be inclusive, but I tell them I'm in a committed relationship. I'm married. Right. And it's always the three of them. Right. And I don't know all their names.

We all know Joe and Nick, but then there's another one, Leroy, I don't know. Yeah, Leroy Jonas. Leroy Jonas. His name is Kevin. Yeah. Kevin Jonas. Yeah. Yeah.

And, you know, I'll let you do whatever you want. Okay. I'm just writing that down right now. Kevin's a friend of mine. We'll let me do whatever I want. So you did one with, I mean, you've done such famous people. Who are some of the most famous people you've done it with? We did a segment with your friend, Michelle Obama.

Michelle Obama. Yeah. We did not have her on the street because that was impossible. Of course. She was still the first lady at the time. I hope one day we'll actually, you know, be able to go on the street with her. Also, wouldn't there be some part of you that would be, I'd be almost disappointed if we thought of a bit and the first lady did it and we were out on the street and I was dragging

her by the arm. I'd almost be, I think, no, this is bad for America, do you know what I mean? If she wanted to do it, I'd be up for it, but I mean, she's so much fun and she's so game as you know, but the segment we did with her was amazing and she had no preparation for it, which was a big feat. Because at first when we presented her the idea, you know, we said to her team, look, they asked for the questions in advance and I said, no, no, no, we can't do that. Like I understand she's the first lady, but we can't do that because it has to be spontaneous.

If we're not going to be on the street, at least her reactions have to be spontaneous, otherwise it won't be funny. And luckily they agreed. And so all her reactions in that video are, you know, spur of the moment reaction. So that was obviously amazing. I got Letterman to do one. That's great. Which was great.

Which was for his show. It was for one of his final shows and that was insane. I grew up watching Letterman. He obviously created men on the street to a certain degree. And who else? We've had so many people, Will Ferrell, Tina Fey. Now, who's your dream? Like give me some dream people, people that haven't done it, but in your mind, if this

person does it, you can now ascend into heaven. Merrill. Merrill. We've been trying for years. What's the last name? I need help here. I can't even remember. Okay.

I think it's Knowles. Merrill. I thought you meant Merrill Haggard. Yeah. Merrill Haggard is my dream guest. I'm not sure he's alive. Is he still alive? I don't believe he is.

Someone's checking in there right now. He passed away recently. Well, then I want him even more. Exactly. What a big get that would be. We all want. The Ghost of Merrill Haggard. You want views on YouTube?

The kids love the Ghost of Merrill Haggard. They do. These are references, by the way, that will stymie a lot of people listening out there. But that's what I like to do is try it. Stymie a curveball, learn about Merrill Haggard. Terrific country star. Exactly. I'm sure he loved gay people.

Who knows? You don't know. We don't know. I can't put words in the Ghost of Merrill Haggard's mouth. That's a sentence I was pretty sure would be said on today's episode and it was. Merrill Streep, dream guest. Now why Merrill Streep? Well, going back to the very first season of the TV show, she became a real object of

my affection on the show and there's been kind of a Merrill renaissance in the past few years. But I actually think my obsession predated that a little bit and I mean, she's good. First of all, I wasn't aware that there was ever an eclipse with Merrill Streep. She's always been Merrill Streep. She has, but there's a bit of, in terms of like mainstream popularity, I think among younger generations, there's a bit of a pre-Devil Wears Prada and post-Devil Wears Prada.

I see. Yeah. And so as a lifelong Merrill fan, I was screaming about her on the street from the very beginning and she's aware. I have met Merrill and we've talked about it. She's very aware. She's seen the videos. She gets it.

We got close to getting her once and it didn't quite happen, but I really, that would be the number one guess. Okay. It doesn't matter. What was that like? What was it like for you? This is someone you've idolized your whole life and then you meet Merrill Streep. It was actually weirder than that.

This was Andy Cohen, had booked Merrill on his show and of course it was Merrill, so they weren't going to have any other guests. He usually has two guests, but when he gets a really, really big star, they get to do it alone. But Andy also has a bartender. Yes. You know, who does nothing? And so he knew what a Merrill fan I was and that it was an ongoing thing on my show to

talk about her and so he had me be the bartender for Merrill's episode and on live TV showed Merrill my clips of me screaming about her. So I got to watch her in real time react to me screaming about her, which was surreal and fantastic. While you were behind a bar. Yeah. I was behind a bar. On television.

Yes. Yeah. On basic cable. Yeah. Hey baby, it's all basic cable now. Yeah. That's true. She's Merrill Street, you know, she's smart and funny.

Yeah. I'm not sure. I'm not convinced. Here's what I'm doing. I'm going to put down Merrill Street and be a little dicky about her just to create some something so that she feels she needs to repair it and come on the podcast. Right. So it's fake.

I admire Merrill Street. We can rip her apart. I've met her a bunch of times and she's a lovely person, but I'm going to just put it out there that, you know, I don't, is she really an actor? I mean. Is it that good? I don't know. At the end of the day, isn't she just memorizing lines?

Exactly. She does. She memorizes lines. And she's great at it. And guess what? They tell them where to stand. Yeah. And you know what?

She doesn't provide the clothes or the wardrobe. They get that for her. She doesn't write it. Nope. No. Doesn't do any of that. She basically just shows up. Yeah.

And then moves her mouth in a certain way that's been predetermined. Exactly. And then everyone's like, there's really no difference between like Merrill Streep and Bob Saget. Exactly. You know what I mean? They're just actors. Did you know that Merrill Streep tried to get the America's funniest home videos and

didn't get it, lost it to Saget? Well, I mean. And then in despair turned to legitimate acting. And that's a true story and you can look it up on the internet. Look, she has certain skills, but she doesn't have that sagadian charm. No. She is not sagacious. No.

No. She has no sagatorial skills. Yeah. I mean, try doing 15 minutes at the Laugh Factory, Merrill. Yeah. Exactly. And you mean the L-A-U-G-H Laugh Factory, not the L-A-F-F Factory? Well, no.

She's not up to that standard just yet. I think we put it out there. Yeah. Merrill Streep's a bit of a phony. And if she wants to clear the air, she knows. She knows where to go. Billy on the street. Come improve yourself for once.

No. No. No. No. It's the Conan podcast. Oh, I see. She's not going to do that. You don't think so?

I don't think Merrill's going to do a podcast. Oh, yeah. I mean. Some, you know what? Some people in the business really love it because no hair, no makeup. That's what I've heard from. Well, Merrill's not Ben Schwartz. Okay.

I mean, you know, I'm just saying, like, you know, oh, you know, it's a podcast. You know, she's Merrill Streep. Yeah, she'd be lucky. I love Ben Schwartz, by the way. And I'm here. Yeah. I'm here, too. Yeah.

You know, I'm not Merrill. Yeah. So you're saying she's above what we're doing right now. I think she's above everything. Wow. What a lonely life that must be for her. Yeah. To sit on top with no one around you.

Yeah. I know what that's like. I do. In my own way, to have that kind of talent that separates you from all else. I mean, where'd you go? What? Huh? What?

Sorry. What? Don't you often see me as a figure that's been elevated so far by his abilities and talents that I can't relate to other humans? I gotta go. I don't know. I don't know how to answer that. Okay.

I'm just going to back away from this microphone. Has Merrill ever done Conan? Yeah. Merrill did our show. When is she? Why don't you? Oh, like about like 10 years ago. Oh, cool.

And I think as she left, she said, this isn't for me. Right. I remembered her saying that, which is very unusual. People don't often say that. She wrote me a note and said it'll be a cold day in hell before I return. Right. Which I thought was weird. Yeah, it was weird.

Because it was on very nice stationery. Yeah. I don't know if she would like, you know, I don't know if she does like bits. Well, a true actor does it all. Yeah. Just putting that out there too. Can we talk about me again? Yeah.

Let's get back to you. This was an only, it said in your contract when you agreed to do this that we had to discuss Merrill Street for 20 minutes. I was wondering the other day whether Merrill had ever hosted SNL and I don't think she has, which is kind of fascinating. You'd think she'd be great at it. She claims to be able to play all these characters, but we've never seen it live. Nope.

Could be anyone. No. Exactly. Now you're, now you've gone. This is one thing. Look what you did to me. This podcast, I have tried to get Merrill on Billy on the Street for like a decade and this is going to ruin it completely.

Yes, it will. Yes, it will. Because she will hear this because she's a big fan of the podcast. Oh, yeah. She does not want to see me in person, but she likes to listen to me. I'm told. Let's move on. Yeah.

Tell me what you were like as a young man. You're growing up. You're in New York. What kind of household are we talking about here? Small family. I was pretty much an only child, grew up in a small apartment in Forest Hills, Queens. I do have an older half brother from my dad's first marriage and we're friends, but I didn't grow up with him.

He was older than me already. And so I was very much an only child, obsessed with television, obsessed with MTV. This was like late 80s, early 90s, always obsessed with pop culture and the entertainment industry and all of it. And when I was around five or six, it turned out I had a really good singing voice. I didn't know that. Yes. Well, you know, I'm in the fucking Lion King right now.

No, I know that, but a lot of people with a bad singing voice managed to get themselves into these. That's true. Not me. They do. But you have to phone it in like Merrill. Okay. I bring skills to the table.

I tried to pull you out of the Merrill. Well, I'm sorry. Ditch and you're back in it. So Merrill can sing, actually. Yeah, she doesn't know. She does. Well, she, maybe it's overdubbed, who can say. My point is you find out you have a great singing voice and what kind of singing voice?

Like just do it. I had kind of like a musical theater-y Broadway voice and my, and I love Broadway shows and my parents loved Broadway and Off-Broadway and luckily I grew up in New York City. And we weren't rich, but I was an only child and they had some money and so we would go see shows. We'd go see a fair amount of Broadway shows and then I start to buy albums and, and really get into Broadway and I started taking voice lessons with some Broadway singing coach. And I never ended up doing that, but it was what my main focus was.

And I went to Northwestern. I was a theater major. I did a ton of musicals, you know, and plays too, but I wasn't focused on comedy so much until after college. It's kind of like a late bloomer in terms of the comedy scene. But you must have been funny around your friends. I was funny around my friends. I was funny in plays.

I would do things like we'd be doing some Neil Simon play and I would add lines to it, which you're not supposed to do. But I would like Adelaide as if I was doing a show at like Upright Citizens. That takes real balls. Yeah. With like a show that had one like, you know, the Pulitzer Prize for drama or something. And I was like, I'm going to throw in a couple of jokes here. I'm going to fix this.

Yeah. Exactly. This show's not working. I'm going to fix it. Yeah. Exactly. I'm not sure the odd couple works. And so I would throw in lines and so, and the audience would like those lines and so

I thought, oh, you know, I'm funny. People would say I'm funny, but I never thought about stand up in Northwestern had and has a huge improv scene. Kristen Schall and I were in school together and Josh Meyers and a lot of comedy folks that went on to become very successful, but they were all in the improv scene in Northwestern. I would go see it, but I wouldn't participate. That's interesting. Yeah.

Did you ever get up into doing improv? Yeah. I ended up once I got back to New York. I went through all the classes at Upright Citizens Brigade. I did kind of experiment with stand up a little bit in New York and then eventually started writing my own show, which was like a live sort of talk variety show, which I call creationation, which I did with a friend of mine. And that's where the Billy on the Street video started.

Yeah. What you did is you did essentially what I always wanted to do and I think did do it the same degree, which is create your own world. Right. Create a world. Exactly what I did. Create a world where you have the entire city of New York, you're conducting it, you're running around, you're putting it together and it is, you've set the pace and the tempo

and the style of comedy and their pawns in a way. I mean, you're using them and they have great terrific reactions and sometimes they're very funny in their own right, but it's your world and welcome to it, which is... That's exactly it. It's kind of like a take it or leave it situation. And not to get on, I didn't intend for this to get so serious, but especially when I was starting out and even when Billy on the Street, the TV show started, America has not been that kind to openly gave male comedians.

And so the only options were basically like, oh, can you play the wacky neighbor on something and react to someone and not be able to center yourself and not have your sensibility dictate to the show, which I mean, I'm still a pretty rare person in this world and in our country at least in terms of in comedy. And so Billy on the Street allowed me, I wasn't just the wacky neighbor or the psychic, it's my show and it's kind of like get out of my way. And if you don't like it, then go away, you know, or I'll storm away from you, something like that.

Is this supposed to be funny? No, it's supposed to be whatever it is. I mean, actually, it's been really funny, but it also can be fascinating. And I mean, this is not quite that either. Was it? It's not quite that either. Well, I don't know. I disagree because I find it, if you're a kid, I'm a kid, I have a 15 year old daughter

and I have a 13 year old son and they are growing up in a world where they very much have no idea, I think, that someone who's gay would struggle with being a voice or coming out on television or on radio. They're just living in a different world, which is the good news and I'm a good deal older than you. So when you say, oh, when I was coming up, it was a different time, I'm thinking, well, I remember those days really well. I remember the late 80s, early 90s really well.

And I'm not privy to what it was like to have to say, I'm going to be open about who I am and not try and hide that the way everyone in show business did, especially in comedy for like 800 years. Yeah. I mean, for me, I remember when I graduated Northwestern in 2000 and I grew up with very liberal gay friendly parents in New York City, like I said, went to see a ton of Broadway shows and off Broadway and we would see, I would go with my parents to see like plays about gay men for my young age.

And so I, it was in very rarefied territory when it came to all of that. But I, so they kind of didn't set me up for a world which was more, and an industry quite frankly, which was more homophobic than my childhood had been. Yeah. Weirdly. You felt almost like. I was like, it's not a big deal. I'm gay.

Who cares? Yeah. Cause you grew up in a little bit of maybe a bubble where you thought this is kind of normal. Yeah. This is normal. Like gay people were cool to me. I was like, you know, I was a huge Madonna fan when I was a kid, she was surrounded by

gay guys. I thought she was cool and they were cool. My parents thought it was cool. I just didn't have an issue with it until later when I was like in my mid twenties and had like managers say to me, you know, can you make your show a little less gay? Wow. Yeah. Okay.

And so, but I was always very rebellious. I've been given that note many times. By the way. Yeah. By the Jonas brothers. I refuse to take it. Yeah. I know we're having gay sex right now, but it's still a little too gay for us.

Even when I have gay sex, people tell me tone it down on the gay, which is really hurtful. Yeah. Anyway, so. That's fascinating to me that you are talking about recent history when a manager is telling you make it less gay. That's 2006. Yeah. Yeah.

And so, yeah, I mean, you know, you can place the blame on any one person. The industry was the way it was, still is in some regards, but look, there hasn't been a huge gay male presence on SNL or the Daily Show or any of the or on Comedy Central in general. It has just started to change in literally like the last two years. Right. And, but, you know, I started in 2000. So.

Right. Yeah. It was a bit of a journey. I mean, I was very lucky. I basically carved out my own world. And what really saved me and allowed me to have a quote unquote mainstream career was the internet. Right.

And when the Billy on the Street videos prior to the TV show started to go viral, I could show these numbers to agents or people and say, hey, you think that this needs that this is for a limited audience, but I got a million views in a day and they're not all gay guys in Manhattan. You came along at a great time for you where you could make this thing. Yeah. You could completely control it yourself. And then people had to come to you and they had to say, OK, you win.

Yeah. We saw that you got a million. You went, you're going viral left and right. It's really funny. You're getting huge celebrities to do it. And you created this. Yeah. Yeah.

And, you know, the industry still has a long way to go. I'm what I've been doing like the last six months. My focus has been writing this romcom for Universal, which I've been co-writing it with Nick Stoller and Judd Apatow is going to produce it and Nick is going to direct it and I'm going to star in it. And I knew we announced it a few months ago and people got very excited and that was very lovely and it was nice to see people get so excited because it's a gay romcom, right? And it will be the first gay if it's made, knock on wood.

It will be the first gay romcom ever produced by a major studio. And that I knew before the announcement, what I didn't realize, which like the blogs and stuff announced, which I didn't even know is that if and when the movie gets made, I will be the first openly LGBT actor to write and star in their own studio movie of any genre. Wow. Ever. That's amazing.

In the history of Hollywood. And I'm not saying that to like pat myself on the back. No. But. It's exciting and I'm very grateful. It's a little shocking. It's a little shocking. It's crazy.

Yeah. Crazy. So, you know, that just goes to show you. What's it like with your family? I mean, they must be incredibly proud. I think so. Yeah. They're great.

I mean, you know, they're like very supportive, very excited. They went, you know, like, I'm sure like for years they thought that I was insane and delusional when nothing was happening and then immediately got excited. I think that parents are thrilled the minute you're paying your own rent. Like I really do. Yeah. I really think that my parents, when I told them when I was, you know, graduating from a really good college that I wanted to go into comedy, I think they were pretty stunned.

And then the second I was paying my own rent, they said, this is the greatest decision you've ever made in your life. Right. Right. They're super proud. Yeah. I was saying before, actually, you walked into the room. We were chatting.

One of your producers, I forget his name. What is it? Adam. That's Adam. Adam in the corner. He's, he says he's a producer. He's a fan. Yeah.

What's he gonna do? What is it? Produce a podcast? Was he hand over the headphones? Yeah. He's in the corner. He's taking notes with a pen. Yeah.

He tells me we're making a lot of money on this thing. I've never seen a dime. Yeah, exactly. It's very suspicious. He drives a Bentley, by the way. That's, you know what? Those crazy kids these days. And his, his, his vanity plate is pod for cash.

He's really exploiting this industry. He is. He's a bad guy. Yeah. He's a whore. He's a podcast whore. A cast role. He's pimping you out.

He's pimping me out. He's, again, I have mouths to feed at home and they're not, they're, it's been a tough month. Yeah. You have, you have, you have your wife. You have how many kids? I have a wife and I have two children. And three Jonas brothers.

And I have three Jonas brothers in my bed. In your bed. And this guy won't, you know, cough up the cash. He keeps saying, oh, your share, I mean, how much really, you don't get a big share on the Conan podcast. Yeah, exactly. Just do a couple more episodes. Just a few more to get us through.

We'll get Jim Carrey in here. Yeah. Who else? We just got, we just got Pat Sajek's brother. Yeah. Suzanne Somers coming in. Yeah. We've got a lot of good names coming in.

Just keep the cash coming, baby. Exactly. I don't know. He's a bad guy. I want to make like an American hustle movie, but about podcasting. Yeah. Yeah. It would love to make podcasts look like, another way they always make drug dealers.

And they have, they have like an entire warehouse that's filled with, you know, naked women, stuffing cocaine into bags. So sexy. They always make it really sexy. They should do that about podcasts. Podcast. That would be good. And then there's the guy who comes in and breaks my jaw because I didn't make enough

money. And you're like, you're recording a podcast and like fucking someone at the same time. Yeah. It's just, there's like drugs and money everywhere on this podcasting table. Yeah. There's drugs and I'm screwing somebody, but I'm also doing the podcast and then I'm like, bring me another guest. Yeah.

And I don't know who like, I don't know who like, Wayne Brady comes in and you're snorting coke off the Jonas Brothers tits and just everyone's just fucking sick. It's just fucking sick. And it's like, you thought you knew podcasts. Yeah. You know? It's called American Podcast. Yeah.

It is podcast. Yeah. Oh, and when it just rips the, it just lifts the rock up and you see the squirming worms underneath. Sweet. I love this movie. Let's make this movie. Yeah.

That's a really funny idea. It's a really funny movie. Let's make it and let's put our own money into it. Great. Adam will produce it. Adam will produce it. Bring in his producing expertise. And then just as we're done shooting, he disappears with the dailies.

Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Oh, it was Private Island podcastia. Yeah. It's not the Isle of Crete. What a creep that Adam Saxe is. Adam Saxe. Yeah.

Let's get that name out there. Adam and Meryl Streep. Yeah. Equally bad. My two dream guests. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, let's get back to, that's a great idea.

Yeah. I will rip it off. Is it my imagination or are you getting a lot, you have always been a good looking guy, but I saw you for the first time in a while at this event recently and I was like, you've had, I mean, you look fantastic. You're like, you're jacked. You're jacked. I've gotten head to toe plastic surgery.

Is that it? Everything has been changed. You look great. I haven't, but thank you very much. Yeah, it's easy. This actually ties into what I was going to say. Why I brought Adam up is because Adam went to Northwestern, as did I. A great school.

Which Adam now? I don't know. Adam, what is his last name? Oh, Adam. Adam, yeah. We're still on that, Adam? Well, yeah, I brought his name up. Okay, Adam Saxe, the guy who's ripping me off.

Yeah, exactly. The guy who claims that the podcast isn't making any money when it's like number one. He's like the Lou Pearlman of podcasts. He is. It's crazy. The boy band guy who I think is in jail, right? Or is he dead or dead and in jail? Who even knows?

It's the same thing. He's with the ghost of Merle Hacker. He told me we're making no money and then the other day I stopped by his house and he has four Arabian horses. Yeah, and meanwhile you're in here just totally nude. Totally nude. Fucking all of Pod Save America. Exactly.

Exactly. Coked up out of my mind. Oh, God, you're on opium. I've got clamps on my nipples. I'm doing poppers. I'm doing amyl nitrate. It's disgusting what's happening in here. Well, anyway.

All right. I brought up Adam because we both went to Northwestern and this is a true story. And I love Northwestern and it really was worth every penny. But I had to get my own frigging TV show before I paid off all my student loans. Wow. That's pretty crazy. Like that's kind of fucked up. That should not be the way that it is.

I don't know why I brought that up because we have come a long way from wherever we started. Because... No, because we are saddling young people with an incredible amount of debt. Right. And then the only way they can make up the debt, pay it off, is to get a camera and physically assault people on the street. Exactly. And then put it on...

That's my plan, Elizabeth Warren. Yeah. God, I forget what we were talking about. Well, you came here to really push Elizabeth Warren, I think. I did. That's why I'm here. I won a Warren Trump ticket. You should go.

You know what would be fantastic, and I'm not even kidding. Yeah. You know, the Republicans have... They don't have any celebrities. Yeah, that's true. They never have any good celebrities. They have like Chuck Norris and John Boyd. Right.

And look, I'll tip my cap to both of them. I'm tipping an imaginary cap. Sure. They're fine gentlemen, but the Republicans never have great celebrity lineup. I think you should say Trump. I'm Trump, Bill Eichner, and just really double down on it. Yeah, really lean into it. You would get invited to the White House.

Yeah. They would be thrilled to have you. That's true. Just think about it. And yeah, you'll take a little bit of heat in the community. Think of what? On Twitter? Who cares?

Exactly. Doesn't even exist Twitter anymore. I mean, what's going on? Hold on a second. You had something you wanted to say. Oh, you complimented my looks. And what I was going to say is... Oh.

Yeah, I was bringing it back to that. I see what you just did. But what I was going to say is that... Yeah. You have people on TV and they put images of themselves on social media and all of a sudden they're looking better. And it's like, yeah, because you made money. Yeah.

And money makes it easier to look better. You can afford slightly nicer clothes that fit. Yeah, you have a trainer. You can eat better. Someone's suggesting clothes for you. I always get mad when someone is in an action movie and they're being paid millions of dollars. And for the next six months, they're literally getting paid to every day work out with a trainer.

And there's a chef that lives in their house. Yeah, and they're all on steroids. Yeah. And then they get this ripped body and they go online and I'm supposed to compete with that. Right. I mean... I mean, I'm asked this as a question.

Am I supposed to compete with that? I don't know. What does Kevin Jonas say about your body? Well, they're not fans. That's okay. I have no... Doing you a favor. No washboard.

You know what I did? I drew a solar plexus. I drew abs in my body and they ran in the shower. Yeah. Let's change the subject. Okay. You are voicing a major role. Timon.

Yes. In The Lion King. Speaking of fucking Kevin Jonas. Sorry. What did you say? Timon. I call him Timon. I call him Timon.

That is the actual way you're supposed to pronounce it. It's Timon. It's Timon. Timon. Yeah. But I say Timon. Okay. Well, that's probably offensive.

No, no. I don't even know why, but I'm just going to... It's not offensive. What I've said... What I've found is that if you choose a slightly different pronunciation of a name and commit to it, you freak out everyone around you into thinking they got it wrong. So it's like if I said Conan. And just you put a little something there.

I'm very uncomfortable with that accent. Yeah. Deeply uncomfortable. Conan. Conan. Conan. Is it Eastern? What is it?

Peeing? I'm not saying what it is. Okay. I'm just doing a little bit of an accent. It's... I think it's region neutral. I see. I think it is pan regional. So Meryl Streep's been telling herself about her accents all along.

Oh my God. You have it in for her. Yeah, I do. But anyway, you're playing... Yes, I am Timon, and Disney's reimagined the Lion King. You just came up with another pronunciation. No, it's Timon. Timon and Pumba.

Timon. I'm not going to say it that way. Pumba. Pumba. Pumba. Timon. Timon. You're playing Timon in the Lion King.

That's a big movie. Yeah, Beyoncé's in it, and Donald Glover's in it, and me and Seth Rogen are Timon and Pumba, and we sing Hakuna Matata, and Can You Feel the Love Tonight, and Lion Sleeps Tonight, and lots of other fun things. Doesn't that... I have... I don't have a lot of these moments, but when I do have these moments where I'm getting to do something that's really cool that I would have dreamed about when I was a kid,

I've gotten better at appreciating it. Are you good at appreciating it? Like stepping outside yourself and saying, this is amazing. In general, yes. Sometimes you wait for people's reactions. I haven't seen the movie yet. I saw a rough cut of it back in October, but I haven't seen the final product, so you get... You're excited.

I'm always excited and nervous at the same time. You want it to be good. You want people to like it. It's the Lion King. Actually, speaking of loving Broadway as a kid, I grew up loving Nathan Lane, who did the voice of Timon in the original, and so I'm walking in his footsteps, which is basically impossible to do, but I want people to like it. I do think it will be a very unique and spectacular looking movie.

Yeah. It's exciting. Yeah. It's very exciting. I'm going to be so fucking rich when this movie comes out. I can't even fucking tell you. You're out for revenge, aren't you? Yeah.

You're out for revenge against the people. After this, all my enemies, that manager told me I was too gay, watch your fucking face, bitch. Yeah. Okay? Because I've got Lion King money now and I will use it. All the people. It stood in your way because you had to make it yourself.

That's right. You had to make it yourself with no help. So once this Lion King thing comes out, I think it's revenge time. It's payback time. It's going to be in our podcast movie, an American podcast. The prequel to that is just me taking all the money that I make from Lion King and just fucking destroying people who got in my way. Right.

Yeah. That's what the Lion King's all about. It is. Yeah. It really is. Circle of life. Yeah. You stand in my way.

I'll fucking kill you. I'll kill you. I don't care who you are. Lion, human. Get the fuck out of here. All right? Are you going to tell me a gay man can't make it in comedy? I'll fucking kill you right now.

I'm going to go back in time. Everyone who got in my way, I'm taking this Lion King money. I'm just going to use it to just make your life a living hell. That's a great way to look at show business. Yeah. It's a very healthy way. I would take the podcast money except Adam Sacks has it all. I don't have any of it.

He hasn't given me any of it. He's over in the corner there. I'll take my Lion King money. I will destroy Adam Sacks. He won't ever work on a podcast again. He's wearing a solid gold Gucci thong right now underneath his pants. Disgusting. Who would even want a gold thong going up your butt?

It's ridiculous. I would, but after that. Yeah. I'd like to try it for a while for a weekend. For like a couple of days. No, but he's just, I mean, he's back there wearing this giant, ridiculous mink pimp hat. He's just making out like a bandit with this podcast. So I would take revenge, but I don't have the cash to do it.

Right. Well, I'm going to use my Lion King money and I'm going to ruin Adam Sacks's life. I don't know if anyone's ever said I'm going to take my Lion King money and fuck everyone over. That's what I'm going to do. Who's screwed with me. Thank you, Bob Iger. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. What a gift. Oh man. You're a good guy. Thanks. You get it. I really do.

You're the first person I've talked to. I've done a bunch of these podcasts. I think you really understand what show business is about, which is we had pain early on, then in the minute we get a little money, we use it to fuck everyone over. Absolutely. This podcast started with me suppressing a burp and here we are, we've gone downhill from there. Or uphill.

I don't know. It depends on how you look at it. The burp, that may have been the slight gurgle of deep seated resentments. That's what it was, the gurgle of revenge. Of revenge. This is a beautiful interview. We really got to the heart of the gay experience in comedy. Maybe we did.

Maybe we did. Who's, I don't know. I am, well, that's another mouth sound. This has been an absolute delight. I did promise you that you would, you talk about things on this podcast you didn't think you'd talk about. I really did. Yeah.

And that's what this is all about. Right. That's what this is about. We're not here to just check off little boxes that you've checked off before. Yeah. What are you going to win? A podcast award? Exactly.

There isn't, you know what? There isn't even an award for podcasts. There must be actually. There isn't. Nope. Looked into it. No? No.

Looked into it. Yeah. That's sad. The first thing I did. We recorded one podcast. Adam was like, we've got, we're getting a lot of listeners. You were like, what's the outlook for the award? What's the award?

And then he had to explain to me, I mean, it was hard to get him because he's in the Caribbean at the time. Yeah, exactly. He has a bank there that he likes to deposit money into, but yeah, there's no, there's no awards in podcasts. There will be. There must be. Oh, someday.

We need more awards. Something like that. Nope. That's for the internet. Wow. Yeah. There's a podcast-y, but it's not for podcasts. Yeah.

Ironically. Wow. Interesting. Yeah. It's for those pods you use to clean clothes. Oh. I might be losing it. It's been a long day.

Is this over? Oh. I did about 40 minutes ago. 40 people just shook their head, yes. This can't be used. You can't put this on Spotify. Oh, no, no. This won't be on Spotify.

No. It might be on Stitcher or whatever podcast you're sold, but I'll make sure this doesn't get on Spotify. Okay. Cool. It's been an honor talking to you. Thank you, Conan. You're a really good person and a talented person, and I have a lot of respect for you,

and I'm very happy that good things are happening for you. Thank you. Thank you for your support over the years now that we've been coming together. Billy Eichner. You're a good man. Thank you. God bless. Bye.

Let's get into what's bothering me right now. Okay. I was told I was downstairs. We record this podcast at Warner Brothers, the studios where we make the show, and I'm very busy making the show. So busy. And they told me I had to hurry up because Gorely has a hard out. I had a feeling this would get back to you this way.

So I need to move my ass and get to the podcast studio because Gorely has places to go and things to do. That's absurd. I am Pavarotti, and I'm being told, yeah, let's hurry it up there, chunks, because one of the guys over there holding the cable has places to go and things to do. You were speaking to Pavarotti. Paliachi is who I was speaking to. Oh, God.

I can't believe you have a hard out. What do you, I mean, can't you call ahead and ask the watch fob store to stay open in extra five minutes? Why don't you just wait a little bit to buy that Edison phonograph that you've had your eye on, that you want to purchase so you can show your friends at the coffee shop that you have the Edison phonograph. I was so close to leaving when I had to leave, and I should have left. What should have gone?

You know, what do you have to do? I have a meeting, but listen. You have a meeting about what? One of those podcasts where you all improvise for nine hours. It's the Bibble Imble Gimble Show staring Mr. Abel Noble. First of all, my improvised podcast is done in short beats. The whole thing is 20 minutes long, and it's beaten up into chunks. Wait, so what is that show?

Super Ego. Oh, yeah, that's, I've heard a lot of, that's very good. Yeah, I don't like the longs. I've heard it's very good. Guess what? Yeah, irony is, my ego is so great, I haven't been able to check out Super Ego. Oh, I know that. I have not.

I've heard, and I'm getting honest with you, I've heard that you're, obviously I've heard you're a very talented fellow, and I've heard a lot of great things about Super Ego, and every time, every third time someone comes in this room who's done a podcast or is aware of podcasts, they act like you're the second coming, you're the best thing since sliced bread. So, look, I doff my imaginary count to you. Oh, come on. But, for you to have the Cajones to say, tell Conan whatever he's doing down there, whatever

he's doing down there for television. Let's speed it up, because I've got to get to my podcast where I pretend to be a walrus. Hi, everybody. I'm Willie the Walrus, and we're going to improvise, give me an occupation and a color. What's that? Gynecologist and orange. Here we go. Oh, my God.

Oh, wow. I don't even know what to say. Of course you don't. You're in the presence of a divine light. Oh, my God. What do you say in that moment? You came in charged. You just let it bathe over you.

That's all you do, man. I think that's the way to go. I think I'm going to let it bathe over me. So you've got, no, to cut to the chase, you do have another podcast to get to. No, it's not a podcast. He has other things. You don't know. Oh, you were lying about your other podcast?

I never said it. He never said he had another podcast? Oh. So what do you have to do? I have a lunch meeting. Conan. Jesus. You have a, I was drinking water and I really almost spit it out.

You have a lunch meeting. I'm afraid to tell you what I have to do because I want to catch hell. No, no, seriously. Someone who's higher up on the showbiz scale, obviously, than Conan O'Brien. It's not a show business thing. What? I have lunch with my mother. Okay.

Yeah. You should feel bad. Lunch with your mother? Do you want to hear how twee this gets because I'm willing to go into the lion's den right now? One time we meet in a park and we sketch. No, you're kidding. You meet your mom in a park and you sketch together.

My mom's an artist and I like to draw a little bit too and this is how we spend our time. That's sweet, but you should have never told Conan. I know. I know. That's so sweet. But you told the worst person. I'm actually going to lean into this now. I'm not afraid of this anymore.

That's a really nice moment, but you should have never told Conan. You don't want a snake unhinges its jaw and devours a rabbit hole and it takes a while for it to digest the rabbit. What you just told me is something I need to digest slowly. I know what I'm doing. He's now putting his feet confidently up on the desk and he's got his fingers clasped behind his head in a, no one can touch me. I'm invincible.

No, it's not that. It's I'm ready to die. Okay. I'm just going to let it happen. No kamikaze pilot ever had that pose of relaxed here I come did my fate here. Okay. So you're going to, I have to speed it up with my, with my show and my podcast and travel shows because you need to meet your mom in the park and sketch together.

Now, did it ever occur to you? First of all, you said it was a lunch. There's no lunch. Well, we have lunch and then we sketch. Where do you eat lunch? A little Mexican restaurant in Whittier. It's always the same one. Isn't it?

No, but if it were up to me, probably, yeah. So that you meet, you eat together. Okay. And then you walk to the park, you drive to the park. We, I want to picture this. We drive. You drive to the park. Generally.

Yeah. Right. In your ironic, late 1960s, woody Jeep Wagon-ear. No. You drive over there. No. In your, let me guess, I bet it uses very little gas that you drive, I'm guessing. Just be careful because I drive the same car as you do.

We actually, sometimes I think drive my car because you don't have a car. Yeah. And I, out of the kindness of my heart, lend you mine because your ironic bicycle only gets you so far. So you go with your mother to the park and you two set up easels? No, we just have a pad. You have a pad. Well, no, we've, you know what, I'm going to do, I'm going to buy you each a pad.

Okay. So you do each have a pad? Oh, so you misspoke. Well, I meant, okay. What is happening? Listen. So you sketch with your, and what do you sketch while your mom, your mom sounds like a good artist.

She's sketching away. She is, yeah. And what are you sketching? Well, generally we'll sketch like a house in the neighborhood or something. Whittier has all these old houses. Cool. Yeah. That's cool.

Yeah. Could you tell me exactly what it is, where this is? Because someday I'd like to come by while you and your mom are sketching and I want to hit you with a stick. Oh my God. Not that hard. Why do you want to hit me with a stick? Where's work to be done?

I work constantly and then I hear about you. I hear about you taking time off and asking me to accelerate my schedules so that you can get to the part. Do you want to hear what the suggestion was? I said, well, first of all, this was supposed to have an 1145, I was here early. And then I just said, I have to go, but you guys could continue on and you could do another Adam Sacks plays me thing. No.

I don't see myself as instrumental here. We're not doing that again. You don't need me. And it was fun and it was funny, but now you want us to keep doing it so that you continue to get a chance without working. I need this stuff. This is my guest producer. Can I just...

Yeah. A little suggestion. Sure. Okay. A little suggestion in the future. Yeah. You can lie a little bit. You can say, doctor's appointment.

You can say, you know, I've got to go. What if I am lying and this is my lie? No, no, no. No one would lie about this. No one would lie about this. And I do want to speak to you. Would your mother be willing to speak to me at some point? Oh, yeah.

Okay. She loves you. No, probably not after this. Has that hurt any at all? Does she really? Yeah, she does. She loves you. And she doesn't mind when I...

Oh, she probably has spent a lifetime thinking I wish someone would rip this guy a new one. No, because she... I have tried to set her up. It's the same thing with your parents. I cannot get my parents to listen to a podcast for the life of me. They still say the same thing like, where do I watch it? Yeah. They will...

My parents have an old curved top radio from the 30s and they just are always twisting the dial trying to find my podcast. And all they hear are old FDR fireside shots. Yeah, yeah. Well, she's a huge fan who's never heard my work. She watches your show, though. Well, please, that's a dying medium. Yeah.

Radio. It's all about radio. Well, anyway, I will try to... I'm glad we learned a lot about Matt Gorley today, which is... He is a nice guy. He does his own yard work and his own... His hands are flecked with... I know, I apologize.

What looks like all kinds of stain. Yeah. But I just thought I was in and out today. Like, I thought we were coming in doing quick ad reads in a segment. And so I didn't... Like, if there's a guest, I'll clean myself up a little bit. But, you know... Yeah.

That looks like you just strangled a vaudevillian performer in blackface. Oh, my God. But whatever. So has any of this, since this podcast happened, taken the heat off you? Like, do you feel like a little bit of a breath of fresh air? Yeah. I was just checking my phone. I know.

I saw you over there. It was nice. Very... I'm in a... I'm fine with whatever is happening. I gotta find that. You keep adding people. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. You've given me a lifetime, gorelly, of stuff to work with already. Already. Yeah, I know. Already. Yeah. I thought we were... We had enough when you owned Eisenhower's telephone from his summer residence.

But no, you occasionally, routinely, meet your mother in the park and you both sketch. Couple times a year. A few times a year. That's why it was hard to miss it, you know. Well, did you miss it yet? No, but I gotta run. Okay. What's...

Let's go quickly and I... Again, I'm sorry that... You don't need to apologize. No, no, I apologize for having so much work to do to keep the Conan Empire afloat so that all you freeloaders can sketch in the park to your heart's desire. You know what I'm drawing today? Conan in a dunk tanker, like being drawn and quartered or something. I bet there's something else you're drawing.

A check from Conan. Oh. Yeah, I should hope so. Well-earned. Yeah, really well-earned. Very nicely done. Thailand sketching to the park. Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.

What are you sketching, Maddie? Oh, just, I don't know, little doodle. What's that in your back pocket, Maddie? Oh, it's a check I got from Conan. Oh, it looks like a big check. Yes, it is a big check. It pays for all my little indulgences. Oh, okay, shouldn't you be at work?

I should, but I'm here with you, mummy. I'm here with you, Mithra. I'd like to point out that you are literally sketching while saying this. Yeah, I know, I do so many things at once. What the hell is that I did? What did you, walk up to Jackson Pollock? Nice. Hey Conan, you okay?

I know, you're so angry. I'm kind of wound up today. You think, you think so? I got wound up, no, I just, I'm always coming in hot. You will back me up, son, that they, they're pulling me in a lot of directions lately. I will back, cause I have to schedule all this stuff. Yeah. And, yeah.

I won't complain, I have, I love. You won't complain. No, I won't. That was 20 minutes of complaining. It really was. Plates, I'm not one to find fault with others. I'm not one to complain. I'm filled with contentment.

I have the half smile of the Buddha. I also have the abdomen of the Buddha, I think. All right, well let's continue. Okay, well, we'll see you guys later tonight at our podcast home. Yes, we, yes, we all, we sleep in a bunk bed, a triple-decker bunk bed. And we listen to our own podcast.

We listen to our own podcast and your mother's outside sketching it all in the park at night, which is dangerous. Oh, you want to know the best part? What? My mother's name. What? Wellford.

What? I swear. No, what? Is that? It's just an old family name. Can I register that I haven't spoken yet? That Sonna jumped in with a, oh, really? Stunned silence.

Wellford? Wellford. How did her first marriage to Thurston howled the third go? Did that work out? Apparently not, it was only a first marriage. Does everyone call her wealthy? They call her wealth.

Her name was, her name is wealth. So you're going to sketch with your mother whose name is Wellford in a park. Yeah. In Whittier. In Whittier. Wellford in Whittier. Wow.

Okay, you're an absurd person. That's not my name. My name is Matt. Yeah. You know what you are? I think you might be a figment of my imagination. I don't think you're a real person. No one else can see me.

I honestly don't think you're a real person. Conan. I am you. I am you. You are. Pouncing around and Matt. I'm Jimmy Stewart and you're the pink rabbit. It's Harvey, don't you?

You don't see him? You don't see Harvey? Wait, you don't see Matt? He's right here. He died to a podcast with him. His mother's name is Wellford. My residence phone. And he has Eisenhower's phone, you see.

Not from the White House, from his summer residence. He has a cafe au lait while he plucks a lute. Your car should have a crank. He's a strange fella. You don't see him, I see him. When's the last time you cross country skied? Okay. Your name's Conan.

Yeah, exactly. Right. That's not that normal. No. Well, it's normal now, kind of a household name. Hey, Gourley, have a good time. My best to Mama Wellford. Thank you.

And seriously, I do look forward to chatting with her. Okay, let's do it. Love you guys. Bye. Love you, love you. Love you too, Matt. All of us. I work with you.

Love you too. Work with you. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.