Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Bley’s Fastballs Part I

Episode Date: January 15, 2026

Conan helps Aaron Bleyaert improve the quality of his segment pitches for the podcast. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

All he's here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends. We are going to be friends. All right, we are fresh off a huge argument here in the studio. That was a brawl. That was an all-out brawl. Still smarts. And I'll tell you what was going on.

And part of me wishes that we were rolling on this. but I guess that's expensive. Is that right, Eduardo? Is that why you don't roll on things that are really captivating? I try to protect you at all times. Yeah, okay. We were thinking about

what are we going to talk about in this segment, and I don't know if anyone else wants to agree with me or disagree with me, but I hope agree with me. Bla, you pitched an idea and you're like,

oh, you guys could talk about, and I said, yeah, I don't know. And then you went, okay, another idea. And then I said, well, I'm not, and then you said,

hey, and a third one, and I said, hey, just slow your role, man. You were like someone put, 15 quarters into a pitch machine and they were firing in at 90 miles an hour and I was getting hit by fastballs left and right and I was like, calm down and let the creative process happen

and then I said to Sona, you said, well, I'm not going to say anything and I said, well, no, it would be nice if you had an idea. Can we just clarify something? This is a Thursday episode where we normally do a fan episode. So we're trying to come up with. Yeah, but you know, and listen, we ran out of fans. We should just tell people right now. Worldwide.

Done. We're done. We're done. We talk to all 111 of our fans. That's right. Worldwide, some of them three times, and they would put on mustaches and different accents. We tried to fill it out as much as we could,

and then we officially talked to the last fan, and we didn't have a fan this week. I think it's actually more complicated than that. Yeah. And we should say that that's what we're doing here is we're using this episode. we were first pitching ideas and then it got into the talking about pitching

and then I have a quick question what the fuck is a pitch machine yeah do you mean like a baseball pitch machine baseball batting cage but then it's also like it can be double because he's pitching things yeah yeah that's nice that's a double meaning

but I think you gave it more than he ever intended no I'm sorry I think he tried to be both T.S. Eliot thought about his words before he put them to the page I mean can we then talk about what Eduardo said well just a second There's a thing that I'm...

There's a thing I'm sensitive to, which is having pretty much grown up in writer's rooms and been in them all the time, you would get, sometimes in a situation where one writer's like, hey, we could do blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's a little like that small dog straining against the reach. Well, here it was a large dog with gray hair and a beard who was saying, and we could do this, we can do that,

and we do that. And I was just trying to say, slow it down just a little bit. You are forcing all the groundwater out. And we need to just let it sit for a second and let the aquifer refill. And that's, I'm a master of analogies and that's a good one. And so that's all I was trying to get to, Blay. And I respect your ideas. And occasionally there's a good one.

But I just thought you had to slow it down a bit. Okay. What was your third idea that I didn't, that I didn't hear? Do you want to discuss your first two? No, I don't want to hear. He doesn't want to hear it. Those weren't good ideas. See, you see it as, as let's let the groundwater fill up.

I'm saying, I'm trying to throw kindling. Like, I see, here's how I see it. Here's how I see it. I see it as. You said, here's how I see it, I think, 10 times. But then you never say how you see it is. Because you don't let it. Yeah, how I see it is.

This room is full of creative, smart people. I don't see that. What are you looking at? And we're a bunch of mouse tracks. Well, I'm sorry. I don't have a mirror. Oh, my. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. That one I'll give you. Come on. Oh, God. He's got his glasses on funny. Yeah, oh, my God. And he's dancing. Listen.

And so I am trying to throw ping pong balls into the mouse trap room. Yeah, but. And then something bounces off something, and then something bounces off something. And then you come up for something great. Yeah, but you can also, just how about this? Pitch an idea, Blay from now on. All right. And then count us.

70. And I mean 70 minutes. And then pitch another one. How about that? You come from the no bad ideas brainstorming school. And I appreciate that. Thank you. And I come from the mostly bad idea school. Because most of my career has been pitching and listening to bad ideas. That's just how it is. Shut everybody down at any turn school. Well, listen, I think that's a little unfair. And I'm ready for your apology now. See, shut me down. But what we had talked about right before we were rolling was, Sonas said, you know, I bet if Eduardo pitched the same idea, you would say yes. Eduardo actually said that. Eduardo said that.

And I agree with that. I think you like Eduardo's ideas more than my ideas. Listen to you right now. They're the same. No, listen to yourself right now, Blay. Okay. Listen to the tone of your voice. You lean into the microphone like you're a dog chewing a T-Bone steak and you shout.

Yes. Now, Eduardo has something called EQ and Riz. I would do him in a missus of you minute. Oh my God. Well, now we have our pitch. Is this a reverse of heated rivalry? You gotta stop telling the people here that work for you that you want to do them. You have to stop doing it.

I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure I do. I'm not sure I do it. Yeah. No, you have to stop. Go around the office to start telling people you don't want to do it. Wait, here's a pitch. Here's a pitch.

A podcast heated rivalry. I'm in. I'm in. I am in. I wish people could see what I see. Where's my camera right here? This is, this is Blame. Look at that.

This is Blay right now. And if you can get our video, check it out. Blay grabs it and he looks at me and he says, oh, hey, here's an idea. Now, here's what I have found in life. If you start screaming and leaning into people's faces, they will retreat and ask you to be quiet. Here's what Eduardo does that I think gives him a sort of central charm.

Eduardo says things quietly. And he says them with a sense of self. respect. He says he has a sort of changing yourself. He says he has a take it or leave it kind of, oh, we could do this. Whereas Blaz's thing is, I've got to get this used car off the lot immediately or everyone's going to die. And that makes people uneasy. Blay, you're the guy in the store following someone around saying, can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you? Can I help you? I used to work at Kmart and I did do that. Yeah. And you know what? You put Kmart out of business. They don't exist anymore. You also worked.

for leachmirs, Sears, all those stores that went out of business in the 90s and 2000s, Blay worked there for a while and they saw a sudden plummet. You had done so well at the gap. I worked at the gap in the early 90s and they would force us to do that. And I was so uncomfortable, I'd just go hide behind clothes because I didn't want to bother people. I would respond to that. You would? I like when people have enthusiasm and come up to me excited about things.

I like that. Really? How much insurance have you bought? I have like 12 times. shares. He was enthusiastic. I had to. Blay, and I'm not putting you down. But I think I've said, I think if you look at the transcripts, I haven't said one negative thing about you. I'm not putting you down. I'm passionately insulting you. Do you agree that my body, my impersonation of Blais' body language and tone is not far off? Do you

agree. I feel like it's a mean version of that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's okay. I mean. No, I'm Obama. I'm on team Blay here. And you know what you do, which is something you do all the time, is you can go crazy. And then when you're talking about Eduardo, you kind of take on Eduardo's like, you start talking more calmly. Yeah, which is not how you talk. Yeah. Which is not how you talk. You're not that guy. You're not that guy. You're not that guy. Sona, your argument implies that I'm in some way. self-loathing or self-hated. And you can look at all the evidence from a 40-year career and see, it's just not the case. Eduardo, you continue to impress your spectacular.

He's just got that. And guess what I'm wearing right now? I'm wearing a sweatshirt that Eduardo gave me. That's how much of an Eduardo fan I am. And you know what? I'd like to put on a sweatshirt. You gave me, Blay. But there isn't one

I see what's going on here It's all about bribery I get it I get it So I'm gonna you know what I'm gonna get you a couple sweatshirts You do grab you're not helping Oh okay You're too grab it

Did you say you just grab the mic And you swiveled it around to And guess what? It's not even a swivel mic You bent the iron bar And you pulled it around to you But you grab it Well but Eduardo and I have to share a mic

And it's very Why are you shouting Seriously This poor guy. Adam, you're at least fair. These two love to jump on the maestro. Does Blaise shout? Does he, is he, can he be a little loud?

I mean, that's not a, it's not a question. Of course he shout. I mean, there's empirical evidence. We have actual debate. Yes, it's a fact. What happens? He doesn't shout. Eduardo, what happens to your sensitive machinery

when Blay grabs the mic and starts pitching with the microphone halfway down his esophagus. I do have to ride Blay's levels constantly. Yeah. That is technical proof. That's all that is. Now, I don't think you have to ride my levels nearly as much. Not as much as much.

Not as much. You know what? Blais is consistently loud. What's the spectrum of level riding here? Hey, Blay, you're consistent. Adrano, what's the spectrum of level riding here in this room? Like, Blaze at one end.

It's probably Conan who I'm writing, because you can get very quiet. When I have a great idea. Yes. And that happens a lot. Your dynamic. When I'm touched by God's inspiration, I tend to get louder to really knock it out of the park.

And it might be one of the reasons why we're just adored and beloved. Possibly. Or it could be our ads. I don't know. Take your pick. But yes, I know that I, I'm painting a picture and I'm using a wide range of colors on the palette. Yes. Meanwhile, Blaze, like I said, consistently at a high level.

Yeah. You are, you know what you had been great as if you could time travel? An air raid warden in World War II in the Blitz. You know what I mean? People would immediately know we've got to get out of here. Or a town crier. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, because no one would get to sleep.

Town Crier had to ride the levels, too. So this is a complicated conversation, and I am just happy that people get an inside look at our dynamic. Do we fight? Yes, we do. Do we disagree? Yes, we do. Do I always win because I am Stalin? Yes, I do.

So moving forward, moving forward, could you give me some tips? Because I want to learn. I want to learn. You're going up again. I'm sorry. It went up. I heard it too. I want to learn and be better.

Are there, one of the top three things, I could just write them down and have a little Post-it note here. And then when it's time to speak up, I can look at the Post-Den note. What should be on the Post-it note that I should write to remind myself to be better? Where are some tips? Well, oh, my God, there's a big sign. Be Eduardo. Be Eduardo.

You should be asking Eduardo, not Conan. Oh, okay. Tusha. Eduardo. Eduardo, what are some things I could do? to be better and not as annoying. Take a deep breath. Oh, that's good.

Seriously. No, there are people that wear a bracelet that says breathe or they get breathe tattooed on their hand. Okay. I think you push a lot of air out. And look, I'll admit, am I that different? No. Is there some thought that goes into it?

Probably. But you're constantly pushing out, and I think you do need to take a breath. Okay. And you, and there is, there can be a, people can misperceive that there's a desperation involved. Oh. Which I don't think there is. You're not desperate.

You've been employed by me for how many years? And since 2001, so that's 25 years. That's good math. Just take the current year and take one away. That's how I did it. So, you, you're awful. I'm a, I just listened to what I said. I just, true story.

I just listened to that come out of my head and part of my brain went, you're a dick. Yeah, but then you smiled. Yeah. You took it as a compliment. You took your whole insults as a compliment. Oh, wait, that part of my brain is high-fiving

the other part of my brain. Oh, my God. Wait, this is crazy. Two synapses just formed little hands and high-fived each other. That's so crazy. I don't think it's ever happened. If I was in it,

just did those avatar tail fuck. Yeah. Yeah. No, if I was in an MRI machine right now, you'd see two parts of the brain go, form two gloved hands, like Mickey Mouse, four-fingered, gloved hands, and go, good one.

So anyway, yeah, I just think that's a really good thing. Take a breath. All right. This isn't going to last. You know that. You're going to go have 70, you're going to have like a giant glass of you-hoo, get a sugar high, and start yelling again.

Well, let's test it out. Let's see if you can just, Go in the mode of Eduardo right now and pitch us any idea. Yeah, pitch us an idea. And wipe all the sweat off your face. I'm really sorry. Well, Eduardo's not sweaty. You look like you just talked a 740,

a passenger who took over the helm of a 747 down onto the tarmac safely, and you're like, who, okay, let's go. Okay. A blaze and gentlemen, the new Blay. Hi, Blay. You have buttoned up one. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Let me wipe out his beardruff off off. Dude don't see. Wait, button up? I'm doing what I'm doing what I'm doing. Too loose. Hey, you know what I love? He is the sensei now.

Eduardo is your sense. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce. Wait, not the top button. Oh my God. He looks like every nerd in a nerd movie. Take that button off. Why did you do both buttons? There you go.

Okay, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the new 2026 Blay. Hi, Blay. How are you? I'm doing great. Good. That's very good. Thank you.

Not an asthma breath. Yeah. Free it off, Mike. Oh, oh. Yeah. I'm doing great. Thank you. You're doing all right?

Yes, thank you for having you. And do you have any thoughts about segments we could do in the near future? Yes, I do have a thought. Recently, you were reported as... Now you just seem depressed. Is anyone else? I'm trying to be chill. I can't do this.

You're very depressed now. Okay. What I was going to say. feel like, hey, you know what? I loved you in Hamnet. You were great. Lean back, not into the mic. Well, the mic doesn't go that far back.

The mic doesn't have to be in your mouth. That's so unnatural. Okay. I had an idea. Oh, my God. That was too loud. Now you're too loud. I don't know.

Just try. Okay, I had an idea which was you said you're not looking for any more after, if I had legs I would kick you. You weren't looking for any more dramatic roles. I thought it would be fun to come up with this segment where you are like Daniel Day Lewis, you're in retirement, what kind of roles you would come back to, back to acting for? Oh, okay.

Well, I think that's a fine pitch. Yeah. I really do. He came back to acting. He's gripping the mic again. It's so crazy. You cannot be. I'm sorry.

I think Matt's note about the posture actually is huge. When I saw Blay leaning back, I was like, oh, this is actually. No, no, you should get duct tape. I'm soaking wet with sweat, by. Just let the seat cradle you. You're sweating or beardruff. All right. We should get duct tape and tie him to his chair.

Tie his abdomen to his chair. That's my idea. Okay, I think that's fine. And just to bring up people up to date, I, I'm a small part of a movie. I'm a fine part of it. You're a pretty big part. Pretty good part. Yeah.

Pretty good part in a movie called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You, which has gotten a lot of critical acclaim, mostly because of the incredible writing, directing of Mary Bronstein. Yeah. And the performance of a lifetime by Rose Byrne, which is really saying something because I adore her. So, yeah, I did this role and people thought I acquitted myself well. And there's been some question, would I do another movie role? And I say, that's a good idea, Blay. Maybe we leave it to the fans to tell me in a nice, calm tone, if they have any ideas of the kind of role, I should play. And I mean, serious pitch is not.

you're a rooster, your Woody Woodpecker, that kind of stuff. Hey, I have an idea because this is a solid pitch. Why don't we take this pitch and do it too-parted to this episode? I love it. I love it.

So next time we come back, we've got the pitch settled. By this time, Blay, he's just rolling and trim because he's so cool and collecting. Rolling and trim, you mean gash? Uh-huh. You mean that sweet slith? I'm talking about some serious trench.

Jesus! I'm so glad I don't know what you're talking about. Wait a minute. Are we off PBS now? Do you want to apologize to Blay? You made him sweat a lot. No, I don't think I did. Oh.

I was... He's crying. You made him very vulnerable. This entire... You know what this was? I was a very, very good, tough but effective therapist. And I think I made a big change in Blaze's life. Thank you.

And I hope a big change in my life. You're saying thank you to him? Yeah. I helped him. You really feel like you think... Hey, he helped you? Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, did it. Sona, if I didn't care about Blay, I wouldn't yell at him and belittle him. Oh my God. Okay, let's wrap this up. And next week, let us return and maybe explore this concept that a soft-spoken Blay had, which got our attention, which is discussing my next movie role. So we'll see you soon. Okay.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien. Sonam of Sessian and Matt Goreley. Produced by me, Matt Goreley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leow. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blaird.

Associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a fan wherever fine podcasts are done.