Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Bley’s Fastballs Part II

Episode Date: January 22, 2026

Conan carefully considers what dramatic role he’d come out of acting retirement for. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: teamcoco.com/apply Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

All is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are going to be friends, we are going to be friends. All right, it's time for part two of what we discussed last week. It started as a massive argument. It's, it was very intense. We were all shouting and screaming at each other. But it led to Blay reforming. his ways, becoming quieter, more soft, spoken, more thoughtful. Out of that new persona came a decent pitch. He said, hey, Blay, why don't you repeat it? My pitch, what? Oh, man. He's still learning?

No, he's doing it. I'm taking the last week, you guys said I should lean back, and I should be softer and not grip the mic, and so I'm going to do that. I hate this. I like it. My pitch last week was you had said, you were in the movie. If I had legs, I'd kick you as a dramatic role. And you had said, you're not looking for.

any more dramatic roles. So my pitch was, like Daniel DeLewis coming out of retirement, what kind of role would you come out of retirement for to what new, it is not a case. Oh, you know what? You know what? This is a new persona and those take time to get used to. What role would you, what dramatic role would you do next if you were to do? We got it. We got it. You could have ended the sentence there. Okay. But I did it softly, right? What you did to my boy. Yes, yes.

I did it softly. You know what? I like it when you're inarticulate quietly. Okay. I'm just saying I did do it softly. Yeah. Yeah. And I lean back.

Okay. Good. Very good. We're done with that. Okay. Sorry. Let's get on to the idea itself. Here's the idea.

The idea involves me and I think it's worthy of discussion. Well, famously, Daniel DeLewis has retired, I think, several times from acting. He's back again. And when he does, he doesn't just, you know, mow the lawn. He's very interested. in, I think, making shoes. He's a cobbler. He's a cobbler.

And I've actually driven through the town in Ireland where he lives, and he makes shoes. So if you can imagine, and he makes them the old-fashioned way. And that's what's fascinating to me is that this, maybe our greatest actor in the world, makes shoes when he chooses not to act. So let's have everyone imagine that I completed my role in, if I had legs, I'd kick you.

and I've retired to my small village. And I make late 19th century prosthetics for people who've lost their feet in a mining accident. And that's just my hobby. And so people come in and they say, I lost my foot. And I say, ah, sit there and have some cider. And then I do various measurements.

And then I... While they wait? While they wait. And I say, and you know what they, while they're waiting, they have to live off only cider. And then I go into the woods with like a 19th century saw And I pick out the best old tree I can find And I fell on a giant tree

A massive beautiful tree that's been around for a thousand years And then I take one tiny piece of it For a finger For a toe that was lost by this guy And then I go back and while he's dying now Because it's been a while I had to go to a tree in the Pacific Northwest And he's in Jersey

But I will craft that And that's what I do. But then one of my fans has a great idea for a role I should play. And it pulls me away from my craft. And I come back to the world of acting. And people are just as excited as when Daniel DeLewis reenters. Just as excited. This is an alternate universe where that would be possible.

Gotcha. Yeah. So I guess. Where you can fell a tree. Listen, I've read a lot of. book, Sona, I've read a lot of books about manual labor. Okay? I've just finished a book called exertion.

And so I'm quite certain that when the time comes from me to do something with my hands or body, I will know how to do it. Long hours in the libraries. So that's what we're talking about, I guess, is what role would I do? I guess we're going to turn this out to the fans, right? Well, we can do that, but we can discuss it amongst ourselves. No, we'll discuss it first amongst ourselves, and then maybe it will end with a challenge to the fans. Tell me what role I should play.

Yeah, maybe there'll be some good ideas we can discuss it at a further time. But the one staring us right in the face is that. It's Pippi. Pippi Longstocking, yeah. Me play a Pippie Longstocking. Is that what you're going to say? No, but that's pretty good. Pippie longstocking is, well, okay, Pippie, refresh my memory because I'm sure you're going to know about Pippie.

Well, we've talked about Pippi. in an ordinary amount of times on this podcast for some reason. Well, we have. There are certain topics that naturally draw humans to conversation. Do you know that we talked about it so much so that they did a documentary on her in Sweden and they reached out to me because of this podcast and I'm on that documentary talking about my experience with Pippi? That warms my heart. Well, Sweden, we're thinking of you and thanks for the work.

Yeah, I mean, me to play is Pippi? How old is Pippi? in her 20s? No. No. I mean, she's like 12 or 13 maybe. Oh, she's 12 or 13?

I thought she was super strong. She is. Do they ever explain why she is so strong? I don't think they do. It's not like it's the, she's far from the red sun. No, that's Superman. Yeah, okay.

No, she's just got magical kind of strength. It's just like wonderful, youthful. Wow. What a great origin story. Hey, this is who I am. Quit asking. I could be wrong. I don't know.

How did Green Lantern? Hey, this is what I do. Me alone. My experience with Pippie is only the dubbed American versions of the Swedish movies, so I don't even know. Well, anyway, no, it's not going to be Pippi because I don't think I can play an 11-year-old girl. The one I was thinking of is this year specifically, they have to cast a new James Bond, you know. Well, that would.

I'm not suggesting that. Oh, okay. I'm just saying, let's get, let's take it off the table. Well, are they looking at Long in the Tooth, Irishman who've lived, who've lived in America for a couple hundred years. I guess Pierce Brosnan's along in the tooth Irishman. They could just go back to him. Can you be suave and British? Oh, come on.

Do you even do a British accent? I've never heard you do a British accent. Well, first of all, does he have to be British? Distinctively so, yeah. I mean, that's the one thing he has to be in British. They know that they're going to make changes. You know, Bond has to change with the times, right? So I'm thinking of a bond.

He's from just outside Boston in Brooklyn, Massachusetts. You're not far off. You know, they considered Bert Reynolds. They screen tested James Brolin. Is that true? Considered Adam West at one time, too. Oh my God. Yeah.

Well, they dodged some bullets there, probably. I know. I mean, and I love those guys. I love everyone you just mentioned, but yes, it has to be British. Has to be British. No, there's no way I could be James Bond. Because, yes, I have, I think I have these suave sophistication, and I think I have the temperament.

I think my fight scenes would be, quite unusual. And I love that my bond would be a bond who, anytime he has to use the gadget, call Sona and ask Sona how to use the gadget. Where his cue? Yeah. But in real time, like, I'm fighting the Russian agent,

and I call you to figure out how to use the thing in my watch that turns it into a garret so I can strangle them. And you have to walk me through it. And while I download the app. I don't pick up. And then you... I call day. And then you call David.

David doesn't pick up. Then you start, like, doing all bits on our voicemail. And then you die. Yeah. Yeah, this isn't. It's going to be the shortest James Bond movie. Sounds good. Yeah, but then the end of the movie is just playing all the bits that I did on the phone.

You mean like Cannonball Run blooper style over the credits? Just bits, bits, bits. And people say like, the movie's terrible, but stick around for the credit bed because those bits with Sona and David are okay. All right. So let's take Bond and Pippi off the table as much as we don't want to. Yeah. My question was if there was a biopic you would do. Oh, right. And then I thought like, oh, but then you'd want to be like Lyndon Johnson. Slenderman. Treasurer and secretary. Slanderman. Yeah. No, I mean, that's a really good question. I don't know what historical figure I'm most like. I'm the exact height of Lincoln.

Speaking of Daniel Day Lewis, though. Yeah. Would you be ready to come on the heels of that recent film and try to one-up it? I have problems with his Lincoln. Oh. I do. And he's a great. And I thought he nailed it in a lot of ways.

But I didn't see him ever look to camera and make faces or anything. I didn't see him once. That's what you would bring to the role. I would step. Yeah. Like Lincoln used to do. I'd do a lot of breaking the fourth wall. This is your camera.

Let's see a little Lincoln. Well, I guess I got to go to the theater. Oh, it might not be a good idea. If you know what I mean, Oh, Oh, God. Do you know what I mean?

Oh my God. Yeah. He knows what's going to happen. Yeah, he knows, but he thinks it's all kind of fun. You know? And, God.

Yeah. You know, yeah, he's like, if you go to the theater, if I could get shot. Well, it's our American cousin. It's pretty funny. Maybe worth it.

You know, he knows what's happening. He was kind of okay with it. He was not going to be sitting in case anyone's curious. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, I think there are many similarities between Lincoln and I, I think.

We're both kind of tall, rangy, sharp, cheek-boned guys that just stepped out of the prairie and gave a new hope of freedom to America. Oh, one idea is, you know, they get the opposites. They get two guys who are completely unlike each other to be in a cop movie. Yeah. And I've often thought, what if? me and Olyphant were in a movie and it's a cop movie

and you know he's he's the he means Tim Oloffant so he's incredibly cool and he knows what he's doing and then I'm the guy who let's face it shouldn't be there

so it's that kind of thing what do we think I like this I actually I really like that idea just so Ollifant can come in here and like pitch the movie, but like promote the movie and stuff. Does it have to have him come back? Two cops. Couldn't it be that he's a cop and you're like an insurance adjuster that he has to, almost midnight run style, has to get you some more? Guess what? How about this? Closer to reality, he's a cop and I know this has been done a million times is the actor who has to sit, go on some ride alongs with him. That's been done a lot. No, but not for a movie, has it? Yeah, it has. Yeah, I think 55 times. But anyway, that is, that is.

not the way we go. I'm a podcaster. We take it home to what we actually do. It's closer to home. Yeah, this is good. So I'm a podcaster. Or a former late night host.

But I think podcaster puts us more in the zeitgeist. So are you doing a true crime podcast where you've got to ride along with this guy because the case is about him? Yeah. Oh, that's cool. Yeah.

Yeah. But I'm a real, yeah, exactly. It's a did he or didn't he? So there's a level of threat. But also I'm always I've got my equipment, my podcast equipment. And so there's that comedy. There's me constantly bothering him.

Oh, I'm thinking right now, only murders in the building is about podcasting. That's okay. Everything's about podcasting now, sadly. Okay. That bums me out. And I know those guys, and some say I really inspire them.

I think I'm... Sounds like they're inspiring you right now. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know if I'm a podcaster then. I don't know. What about a journalist? boring okay boring

okay yeah I'm a contest winner I don't know there's got to be a reason why a guy like me is writing around with Tim Holofent

who's a really good detective or cop but we'll figure that out I know but he he has been accused of maybe some going over the line he's a bit of a loose cannon

he's a quiet kind of cool loose cannon and you're the IA internal affairs guy that has to follow him around to see if he's actually going to You get loose cannon though from, I get con-

Well, when he's in here, definitely. Oh, yeah, yeah, that's true. But I don't mean loose cannon that he's crazy, but like Martin Riggs from lethal weapon, like he could crack or he could go too far and be a vigilante, you know, like he could administer his own justice and you have to figure this out. I'm just not sensing it. I don't think you have it. I don't think, and this-

Okay, but I just want to say that pitch was what we're trying to get Blay to do, right? That kind of style, you know? What do you mean? Just how it was delivered. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that was very chill. Your pitch style was just.

Terrific. Okay, thank you. Your pitch style was terrific. The pitch itself was, you know, a rotted corn on the cob. That's fine. But I don't think it's quite right. Yes, Ablay. I have a quiet pitch, which is going off your idea.

There is a hostage situation, and you're the hostage negotiator brought in. But it's your first day. Okay. I'm just trying to think of something that jumps out at studio executives. And by the way, studio executives today, who are on the ropes. What's working? Nothing's working. And you come in.

It's got to be. something that makes their minds explode. Yeah. Now, first of all, you say you've got Tim Oliphant. They're interested. Then you say Conan O'Brien's involved, too. They're very excited, you know? Very excited.

More so than Timothy Elephant. Is that what you said? Listen, no offense to Tim Oliphant. And Tim's a good friend of mine. Yeah. But yeah. Yeah. Oh, more excited.

Okay. All right. I was going to say with your hostage one, I'd rather the hostage be a woman so that they can do it. Like, the whole thing is, How do we get Tim Olfellon, like, naked? This victim hostage woman is going to have sex with her captor. That's the biggest case of Stockholm syndrome I've ever.

Can I just say no one who goes to a Conan O'Brien movie expects or wants to see sex. So this is for the rare moviegoer who hates the idea of sex and never wants to see it. Hear me out. You're not in, you're an extra. So you're like only show up for a second. And then the rest of it is like people do it. He's eventually cut out anyway. I think studio executives who are on the ropes right now

are looking to maybe make the next heated rivalry. And so maybe it's a Conan Timothy Oliphant. Oh. And you guys have a little romance. You know what? So he's some kind of athlete because he can pull that off. And I'm a guy who was an athlete but then fell into a vat of chemicals. Like the Joker.

And it turned my hair red and made me all stretchy and pale and long. Okay. This is good. Yeah. And so, but we, when I used to be an athlete, we would pal around. And so, but now we're together. And what are we doing together? Because he, he feels badly for me.

And I'm, I'm comic relief. I'm hanging around. I don't think he could be a current day athlete. So he's a retired athlete, right? Because I think, I'm looking at up right now. I was saying that they do it. I was saying that he's, even if it was the cop and negotiator situation, you guys are, you guys are finding a way to do it.

So it's me and Tim, hold on, it's me and Tim getting it on because we're in love with each other. Did I also fall into a vat of chemicals? That's obvious. That's obvious. Okay. That's a given.

Yeah. I mean, I, that's for sure. Let's just say, the way people buy me in a movie is if I fell into a vat of chemicals. That's crucial. What about this? That's the other.

He's a veteran jigolo and you're a jigolo in training. Oh. Okay. Who fell into a vat of chemicals. For sure. This goes about saying. Okay. This was every pitch we talk about from here on out.

He's the veteran and he's training him. No, no, no. For some reason, wants to create, like, late stage career change. No, no, this is what happened. This is what happened. Okay. Tim is a roommate. I'm a podcaster, former late night host who lives with Tim Oliphant.

That's not his name. His name's Chet Chatsnik. And, and, um, chet. Chet. This will work. this out. We'll figure this out. But Chet is a jiggleau. Okay. And then, um, I've always been a little jealous of that. Then I fall into chemicals. There's obviously the podcast bubble bursts. You're dying and you just want to have a sexcapade. And so you're like, show me the ways. Okay. I didn't realize. Okay. Well, there's dying. I was going to

say I fall into chemicals. I'm in the hospital and they're doing rehab on me and they say you need to find a new hobby and I say, well, my roommate is a jiggle-o, but I know so little about it, I call it Gigolo. That's how little I know about it. You pay the women to do you. Yes. And I know, just a John. And it's, yeah.

Yeah. And Tim is really, Tim is like, what? And he gets arrested for a soliciting prostitution. Yeah. Yes. No, and because. And then he falls in another vat of chemicals. Wait.

The police. The police go to arrest me. I'm totally confused because I think what I'm doing, first of all, I know that I'm doing something wrong. Yeah. Because I'm losing a ton of money as a jigolo, or as I call it, Gigolo. And then the police come to arrest me. I run away, and while they're chasing me, I fall into more chemicals. Yes, and the movie's called Gust a Gigolo.

I'm Gus a Gigolo. Everywhere I, Joe. Okay. You know. It checks out. It checks out. If you do the math, you know what, it checks out. If you have a piece of paper and you've just written rap and you're showing it to me, I guess it checks out.

In the weird, look, I guess it all checks out. It checks out. It checks out. It checks out. That reminds me of bad. My least favorite thing about improv is when you go see improv and the people on stage are like, well, I'm in a chocolate factory. I make blenders. Wait, what? No, you don't. I'm your father.

My father's dead. And they just look at the audience. and the director walks out and goes, ha ha ha, ha, and scene. Like, they nailed it. That's what you do when you hold up this rap at that point. I disagree.

Nicely done. Okay, let's put it out to the fans. If you think of a really good movie I could be in, and I'm going to even say it could be an existing franchise where I would slot in nicely. And I'm serious. Like, I'm not looking to do more. I think, and cinema isn't asking me.

me to do more, but should the right idea come, I might do it. Keep their heart open, yeah. And so let's hear your ideas, fans. Okay, great. To be continued. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Lea.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Supervising producer Aaron Blair, Associate Talent Producer, Jennifer Samples, Associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Burm. Engineering by

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