Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Bob Newhart (Re-Release)

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

Stand-up comedian and actor Bob Newhart feels anxious about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Bob sits down with Conan to share stories about meeting Don Rickles for the first time, sitting in for Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show, leaping from accounting to showbusiness, beautiful moments from The Bob Newhart Show, the danger of cynicism in comedy, and Chicago values. Plus, Conan responds to a listener voicemail about an award that was named after him. Original airdate: May 26, 2019.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].

Hi, my name is Bob Newhart, and I feel anxious about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hello, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to another episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast. I think pretty much based on just a scam, don't you think? Yeah. I'm just convincing people to come in here and talk to me and having the time of my life, and they leave. I don't think anyone gets paid. No. Oh, okay.

You do. Do I? Yeah, in mattresses. I get paid in mattresses and free socks. What are they called? Bombas. Bombas. Bombas.

I love bombas. You can always wave me off if you think this opener is just terrible. It's great. Really? Mm-hmm. Thanks, Gorley. Joined here by my trusty assistant, Sona Moisesian. How are you, Sona?

I'm doing very well. Thank you. And of course, Matt Gorley's here. Hi. You're looking good again, Matt. Matt is quite a sharp dresser. He is. Yeah.

You're looking very sharp, Matt. He's wearing suspenders, which is weird. Suspenders today. He is such a, what do you call it? What's the nickname for it? Not a hipster. No, he's kind of a hipster. Okay.

Come on, Gorley. You have this coming. You wore suspenders today. And a wool cap. Yeah. He has a wool cap and suspenders, and he's got a little pipe. He's got one of those Mircham pipes tucked into his pocket. You're a ridiculous person.

It's a tiny pipe. Okay. It is a tiny pipe. Oh, and he's probably got Eisenhower's telephone that he bought on eBay. Anyway, the fact that he's not defending himself is just a sign that we're right. Yeah, I think so. And he's wrong. Let's get to the show, shall we?

Okay. You should probably take on Lawson's or something. Gorley, you're sounding a little hoarse. Okay. God, he's like a little wood creature. I know. I've never heard him take it like this before. Well, I guess he knows when he's been bested.

Yeah. Clearly. Superior mind. Sona, I'm giddy today. I really am. I know. I am giddy today. I am as giddy as a schoolgirl.

Is that something I can still say? Yeah, but why don't you just say schoolboy? Schoolgirls get more like, hee-hee-hee-hee, or is that a gender thing? I don't know, but schoolboys are giddy too. They're like, hee-hee-hee-hee, hang out, play video games. Okay, whatever. Let's not. I don't see gender.

I really don't. What? Especially when I'm showering. Zing. There's nothing down there. Smooth. Zing yourself. I just zinged myself.

I am giddy, and I've got to up my game, because today is a very, very, very, very, very special guest, someone I grew up, I listened to his records, some of the funniest comedy ever put on any audio form, and then, of course, his multiple TV shows and his appearances in movies, and he's just such a perfect comedian and a great man. A legend. A legend. And he's here with us today, and I'm absolutely tickled pink. Bob Newhart.

I can feel the palpable anxiety in the room as Bob Newhart contemplates being my friend. I've made attempts over the years to really connect with you, Bob. You know that. You've been to my home. Oh, we're going to get into that. You've been invited. You've been into my home, and I've been to your home against your will. That's right.

You looked at my home. I think you looked. I did. When I first was going to move out here, I was looking for a place to live, and I saw this absolutely gorgeous home that was completely out of my price range. And also, we have the tour buses going through all the time. You have tour buses. Yeah, and you had a sign out front that said, no Irish.

That's right. I did have a sign outside that said, armed dog, which no one paid any attention to. They didn't care, huh? They just kept moving. You know I'm a massive fan of your work, and also a fan of you as a human being. So it's a double treat. There's sometimes people that I love their work, and I don't want to get to know them, or if I get a sense of who they are.

Like Rickles. I'm just guessing. I know he's gone two years, but... Yeah. You know what's nice? I know he's up there in heaven, and he's listening to you take shots at him, and he doesn't get to say anything now. Yeah, that's right.

Like Rickles. He gets to say, he gets to say, if you see this guy up here, don't let him in. Don't let him in. If you see New Heart coming, don't let him in. Don't let him in. Don't let him in. He's a hockey puck. That's right.

Of course, you and Don Rickles, great friends for how many? Was it 50 years? 60 years? I mean, you were such good friends. Well, I'll tell you the story, I've told it before, the story of how we met. I knew of Don, but I didn't know Don. But my wife knew Don's wife, Barbara Sklar, who became Barbara Rickles, and we were in Vegas.

I was at the desert end. I was at the main room in the desert end, and Don was in the lounge at the Sahara, which I love pointing out, because there is a pecking order. You just like to point out that you're in the main room, and he's in the lounge. He's at the kids' table. That's right. He's at the kids' table at Thanksgiving. So anyway, we were in town together, and Jenny said, oh, we have to get together with, I

have to call Barbara, and we'll have dinner, you know, because I said, great, yeah. So we set it up, well, Don was working again in the lounge, and they worked, like, you know, the first show was 10, and the next show was one o'clock. So we go to dinner, and Jenny's talking to Don, I'm talking to Barbara. And now it's time to go in to see Don's show. And so Jenny and I, Don left like five minutes early, you know, to get dressed, and so Jenny and I were walking into the lounge, and she said, he is just, he's the sweetest man. I mean, he's such a wonderful family man that, you know, he hates being on the road, he wants

to be home, and I said, well, honey, his act is going to be slightly different than what you saw. He's not going to be the sweet guy that you saw at dinner. He's not the sweet, lovely guy, family person, and she said, oh, don't ruin it, you're trying to ruin it. And I said, no, I said, okay, okay, so we sit down, and he comes out, and the first thing he says is the stammering idiot from Chicago was in the audience with his hooker wife from Bayone New Jersey.

What a nice introduction to the new hearts. That's nice. So she looks at me, and I said, I tried to tell you. Tried to tell you. Yeah, it's funny because you two, and everyone pointed this out, but you couldn't, your comedic styles could not be more different. You couldn't be more different. You are cerebral, I think you've weighed every word carefully, and he was a sprinkler.

A sprinkler system turned on high that was firing randomly and chaotic. I could never say, as he said every night, I could never say to someone I had never met. Is that the wife? Oh, geez. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, he could, he could, he did my show several times over the years, and even at that stage, I mean, I was, this is in the 1990s, and he had seemingly been around

forever, and he'd come out, and he would completely turn the thing upside down, and he'd be going after the band, and he'd be saying some things you didn't think people could say anymore, but he had this, he had this inner sweetness, and I think he also got a pass from people because he invented this, and they knew that it came from a good place, you know? Yeah, oh, if he thought he offended somebody, he would ruin the day for it, you know, he knew it was all in fun, and you know, I'm only kidding and don't take me seriously. Yeah, he'd probably lose sleep over it, so I could see how you would both click as real human beings, but-

On that level, yeah. On that level. When I was coming along, my father is a huge fan of comedy, and he introduced me, when I was just a boy, to Jack Benny's radio show, and he made sure that I listened to that, even though this is the 1970s, Jack Benny was pretty much gone at this point, I believe, and he introduced me to Jack Benny, and he really wanted me to understand why, how Jack Benny was so funny, and what was interesting is I had a familiarity with Jack Benny, and then I started watching your show, The Bob Neumart Show, and-

You realize I stole from him. That's the point of the conversation, the police- This is the exit door. Yeah, no, the police are here, the police are here, you did not steal from him, but we're going to have you sign some documents afterwards, it's a legal matter, no, but I saw that you were, like a musician, you were working in a similar style, which was this fearlessness with the pause. You would take these pauses, and so much of comedy is people trying to jam in as many

notes as they can, and you would take these long pauses, and I could see the way that Jack Benny influenced so many people, Johnny Carson, for example, would get, and I will admit that I have been drinking from that well for a long time, realizing you can get the biggest laugh in the room if you don't say anything sometimes. Drinking from the well, meaning- Drinking from the well, meaning drawing from that tradition of- Oh, okay. I didn't really actually mean drinking well water, which might be tainted.

Because I couldn't figure out what that had to do with Jack Benny. Yeah, well, we all know that Jack Benny was an avid drinker of well water. The water, yeah. Yeah, this is derailed completely, and I want to apologize to everyone who's listening, and I think it's Bob Newhart's fault, because I think you all understood what I was saying, and I see what he did. I'll tell you a story about Jack Benny, how brave he was. He was the bravest comedian I have ever, you know, people have said my timing is similar

to his, but I don't think you can teach timing, I think you either hear it or you don't hear it. Yeah. But he was the bravest comedian, and Dick Martin told me a story that he was there, Dick Martin or Ronan Martin. I've learned that in fame, yeah. And he said that Jack was, I think, at the Sahara in Las Vegas, and they had the Will Messen trio featuring Sammy Davis Jr. is his opening act.

And of course, it comes out, Sammy destroys the audience, they're pounding and standing on the tables, and they leave, and then Jack comes out. And he said, you know, in the afternoon, sometimes around 4.30, I like to get some tea, and sometimes 4.45, rarely five, I'll have this tea, and I ran into this actor I had worked with, and his name was, and I'm trying to think. Oh, he said, I don't know what's wrong with me today. He said, I promised that Sammy Davis could do another number. Would you like Sammy and the Will Messen trio?

Screaming. Screaming. People go crazy. Yeah. He comes out, birth of the blues, destroys the room, people are pounding on the tables. And Jack watches him walk off, and he says, Clive, Clive. No sane person in the world does that, you don't bury yourself. You know, it's amazing.

It's interesting to me, and all kinds of people listen to this podcast, there's a lot of young people listening who may not be as familiar with Jack Benny, and I encourage you and plead with you to go out and listen to some of those tapes, because he was the greatest, one of the foremost comedians of the 30s, 40s, into the 50s, I mean, just a massive star. And he would take his time, and he would take those long pauses, and you think about him going out there, and the electricity after following the energy in the room after Sammy Davis Jr. has absolutely destroyed and melted the club, and people are going a while to go out and let all that energy subside, and get, you know, most people will, their instinct

would be, I've got to ride this energy, take this energy, and keep it going. And he's cutting so far against the grain, very few people could get away with it. But he had the timing, and he also, I think, had the status too. He's Jack Benny. Or would dare doing it, you know, putting yourself in that position. But knowing it would work, he knew it would pay off. I remember there was another story, Freddie de Cordova, who produced the show. Long term, a long, long time producer of the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

He told me a story that Jack was doing the radio show, and Ronald Coleman, the actor, the British actor, was on the show, and they're sitting around, it's a table read, and they're just reading the script, and Jack does the line, he said, oh, give that to Dennis, Dennis Day, he said, that's a better line if Dennis says it. And then they read some more, and then he said, oh, give that to Phil Harris. So they're through with the table read, and Ronald Coleman said to him, he said, that was amazing. He said, you gave away some of the best material to other people, and Jack said, but I'll be

back next week. Yes. Yeah. No. That's all that mattered. You know, I heard that story and that idea years ago, and I would always attribute it to Jack Benny, so I'm glad you're telling me, I think I had the right person. But I always had the same feeling, which is, I have a sidekick in Andy Richter, who's one

of the funniest people I've ever met, and I've always wanted to have hilarious people on the show and give them space to breathe, and I always had the same idea, which is, it's the Conan Show. If the Conan Show is funny, I'll get my check at the end of the week. Sometimes I didn't, but if the Conan Show is funny, I'll get my check, and I'm going to try not to think about who's getting the laughs, as long as they know I watched that show and I had a good time, and I think that's something that has served me well, I think over time.

Well, you know, Johnny Carson, he'd have Robin Williams on, and the next morning people were saying, did you see Johnny Carson last night? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Right, and did you see how hard Johnny was laughing, that was the other thing you paid attention to. Yeah. I know that, and we'll get back to this idea of rhythm, but since we're talking about

Johnny Carson, I know that you were a pretty regular guest host for Johnny. Yeah, I did 79, I think. 79. I filled in. You'd fill in, and I was wondering, you know, and it's hard for people to understand today in an era when there's 600 late night talk shows, and people maybe see them on the computer the next day, they see bits and pieces, that there was a time when there was one show, all of America watched that show.

Johnny Carson was arguably the most powerful person in show business. When you subbed for him and sat in and took over the helm of that show, was it nerve-wracking to think, this is Johnny's show, this is the prize flagship, they've given me the wheel, the tiller, to handle this thing, and... Yeah, pretty much. I mean, it was, I didn't want the job. I mean, there was a point at which NBC was, this was like in the 70s, 70s when they were thinking of, Johnny was, wanted a raise, and they said, that's it, no more, he's not going

to hold us up anymore, these are the 70s, and I think Johnny left sometime in the late 1990s. I think he left in 92. 92, so they were trying these other hosts, and I did the show for three weeks in New York, and I didn't want the job. I mean, if they had offered it to me, because I knew what a killer job it is. Every day. Every day, and Johnny himself said, it's his mistress, and if he had devoted the time to

his marriage that he devoted to the show, he'd still be married to his first wife. It just is that demanding, so I didn't get that nervous because I didn't care if I lost the job. Right, right. But he would let you know, he would sometimes be watching, that's the other thing too, is that he would not be doing the show, but he was always very concerned with how the substitute hosts were doing. So he'd be aware of how you had done or what you had done with his show while he was away.

Well, what he would do, I was, again, with Freddie DeCordova. Right, the producer, yeah. I was filling in for Johnny, guest hosting, and Freddie and I were sitting and talking during the day for the show, and the phone rings, and it's Johnny, and Freddie is talking to him, and he's saying, yeah, remember this sketch, yeah, we did it about four or five years ago, and yeah, we could update it. And this is Johnny, he's on vacation, supposedly, calling Freddie about a sketch that they're going to do when I'm no longer guest hosting, and he's back doing this.

Yeah, he's like a mom that's away from her child, but is calling in and saying, okay, okay, I know I'm supposed to be on vacation, but this is the kind of cereal he likes, and make sure he gets this cream for that rash, and it's a devotion that I think is required. I was going to ask you about, I remember very clearly in 2006, and I'm jumping around a bit here, but I've been drinking a lot, in 2006, I had a second crack at hosting the Emmys, and we thought of this bit to try and keep the show to time where we would keep a celebrity in a box with a limited amount of air, and the concept was we need to keep the Emmys to time, so if the show runs long, this celebrity will die in the box, and it

will be your fault, America. And so we thought that was a very funny idea, and then we had two requirements. It had to be someone who was beloved and icon, okay, those are hard to find, and it had to be someone who is going to be in a soundproof booth and never speaks, and is hilarious using just their face with a look of peril and concern. And there was only one answer, and it was you, and we thought... I heard George Clooney, and I heard George turned it down, and then you went to me. Yeah, Clooney's always first.

No, and so we knew it was you, and we knew it's going to be fantastic, but it had to be you. It had to be you, but then the problem became, what if we get a quick no? What if we just hear, well, you know, Bob doesn't really want to do it, and we were petrified, and I remember getting in touch with you, and you said, well, when you're out in LA, let's get together and talk about it. And I was so... I don't know if you remember this, but we went to lunch, and I was nervous because I'm nervous to be around you anyway, and I had to sell you on this idea, and I

thought it was going to take the whole meal to sell you on this idea. And you immediately said, yeah, it's a funny idea. I'll do it. Anyway, let's gossip. And then you'd participate to tell all these amazing stories. I had the time of my life, and then you did the bit, and it's one of my favorite things I've ever been involved in because we wheel you out, and you're sitting there, and the concede, I think, which is you weren't quite aware why you were in this box.

And then I start to see there's a limited amount of air, and there's just this growing concern... Panic. Panic. Panic. But contained, you never get out of the chair, you never bang on the glass, and you can see that you're thinking to yourself, this may have been an error, but it's so you, which is to play things so you play these notes so quietly, and with such a brilliant ear,

it sets you apart from everybody else. And I don't know if that was... I know you started famously, you did stand up, and then you made these records, these albums that were smash hits, buttoned down mine, just massive hits. You would beat out, I think Elvis Presley for a Grammy, Frank Sinatra. For an album of the year. You beat Frank Sinatra for an album of the year. I recorded it in 1960, and the record came out in 1960.

So in 1961, at the Grammy Awards of 61, it won the Best New Artist, it won Spoken Word. They didn't have a category for comedy, the Spoken Word, which could be elegance or whatever. An album of the year, which as you mentioned, beat out the soundtrack of sound... Sounded music. And as you mentioned, Bellafonte and Elvis and Frank. And Frank put a hit out on you after that. That's right. Good thing the bullet just hit you in the shoulder.

But they were lousy shots. That's why I'm here today. You're here today. And I had people starting the car for me. You'd say to Rickles, hey, go start the car. Warm it up a little bit. Give me a favor, Don. You know, it's interesting, as I was thinking about it, the albums, there's so much comedy

that is of the moment, and then it's like milk. It doesn't hold. It goes sour quickly, and people can't understand the context. I think your comedy is timeless. It was you doing these wonderful bits. And the timing is so terrific that there's this young generation now that's listening to podcasts and comedy podcasts, and they're huge comedy fans. And I think your comedy is as relevant today in 2019 as it was in 1960.

It has stood the test of time. I hope so. I hope you're right. I'm right about everything. That's right. I forgot. There's a sign on the door as you commit that Conan is right about everything. Yes.

And so you can rest assured. I'm sorry for violating that. No, no, no, no. It's, I'm sorry I snapped at you. I have a quick temper, as you can see. Yeah. And I apologize. Sonia, please stop laughing.

This is a serious conversation between two iconic comic... I know. Could she get out of the room, please? I've been trying to, Bob, I've been trying to get her out of the room for a long time. This is awful. Oh, please. Please. Sonia, please.

You're lucky to just be here and bathe in one and a half... So you were... One and a half geniuses. I was gonna say. Bob Newhart's glow. Okay. Okay. She turns on me so quickly.

You were probably about to ask me about Tim Conway. Well, you know what? You mentioned it briefly when you came in, Tim Conway. I'm not sure exactly when this will air, but Tim Conway just passed and you were at his funeral. Funeral mass. Funeral mass. And again, someone who, like you, delighted me, delighted me to no end as I was coming

up in the world and watching television and paying attention to funny people and who made me laugh. And I know that you and Tim were a very good friend. Good friend, yes. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you're a loss because he was a brilliant, lovely guy. It was not unexpected. He had to mention toward the end, but he will live on because his legacy is in those sketches

he and Harvey did. And we used to get together, there was a group of us, as I mentioned, Dick Martin, Dick Martin and Dolly Martin, his wife, Mike Connors and Mary Lou. Mike Connors Manics? Mike Connors? Manics, yeah. Oh, wow. I love that show.

Yeah. Wonderful. I think he drove a Mustang on his show, anyway. You're probably right. I'm babbling now. But anyway, one of the coolest TV shows of the late 60s, yeah. Is that the name of the show, Mike Connors? Manics.

Babbling? Babbling. That's the name of my show. Yeah. Conan Babbles occasionally. Sona cuts in and puts him down and then Bob Newhart takes over and everything's well. You do it very well. I mean, I for two, like babbling Brooks, I've never heard of babbling hosts.

No, I'm, well, not familiar with my work, apparently. Anyway, Tim would tell us these stories. It was also Steve Lawrence, Edie Gourmet would join us, Don and Barbara joined us. And then Tim would tell these stories about his upbringing. He told a story about his father thought he was handy. He grew up, they lived in Chagrin Falls, Ohio, which is interesting because what are Chagrin Falls? I know.

But that was the name, Chagrin. They wished they hadn't falls, you know. What does that mean? Kind of Chagrin. Oh, well. If you're going to have a set of falls, just, okay, this will do, I suppose. So anyway, so Tim's father thought he was handy around the house. So he put in a new doorbell, which he wired improperly so that it rang all the time except

when someone rang the doorbell. And then there was this silence. And when that would happen, Tim's father would say, I'll get it. I mean, his father also, they were driving from Chagrin Falls to Manhattan, or Tim's sister lived, and they drove to Manhattan, and I guess it's 800 miles, something like that. They drove and they kept circling the block and couldn't find a parking space. And the father drove back to Chagrin Falls.

I just couldn't, I guess that's all you can do at that point. So, I mean, growing up in that household, Tim had to be a comedian, he had no choice at all. He had no choice. You did have a choice. You had a trade, you had a profession, you were an accountant, you were a damn good accountant by all accounts. And no, no, no, no, I was not a good accountant.

Okay. I just said that. I had no idea. I was trying to build you up. I'm trying to be your height man for accounting. If I had been with Enron, I'm sorry, a height man for accounting, okay, I just wanted to make sure I heard that properly. Yes, I'm your height man for accounting, but you were not the greatest accountant ever.

If I had been an accountant with Enron, they would still be in business. The IRS couldn't, I can't figure these books out. I know. So they never would have caught them. So you were an accountant and then it's so funny because knowing you, I think, how did this, how did this man who seemed so cautious and so soft-spoken decide, I'm going to become a stand-up comedian at a time when I think show business is more perilous back then. Like if it didn't work out, some guys would take you in an alley and beat you up or something.

It just felt like a tougher time. That was a very brave thing to do. I was an accountant and I was in charge of petty cash, it's a true story. And the salesman would come in from out of town and they'd give me a receipt for the hotel room or for gas or whatever and I would give them cash out of petty cash. And then at the end of the day, I would have to balance what was left of the petty cash and the receipts I had and it never balanced. And so at five o'clock, everyone left and I was still there, sometimes still eight o'clock,

trying to find $1.75. So I did that for about a month and then I said, the hell with it. And it was under again about $1.50, so I took $1.50 out of my pocket and I put it in petty cash, which made sense. But then the next day it was $2 over, so I took the $2 out. Well the head of the accounting department, Mr. Hutchinson, said, my legal name is George, George Robert. And he said, George, so those are not sound accounting principles.

A polite way to put it. And I said, well, it makes sense to me because they were paying me, I don't know, $8 an hour to find $1.50 and sometimes it took me four or five hours. I was saving them money, so I said, well, I'm not cut out, I'm not cut out for accounting. That's when you decided. And then it was the road number taken, I had to find out. I was thinking about you get this start and then you have these records that are a huge phenomenal success.

And then I really get to know you with your TV show, your first TV show in the 1970s, Bob Newhart show, and one of the things I noticed was that you could take these pauses on the records and you can take a pause now and you can hold for a take. You can do that on a podcast when you're just listening or on the records. But when you did it on television, you also had a great deadpan, which people wouldn't have known if they just knew you from the records. And it was really, they would cut to you on the show, and one of the characters would have said something absolutely ridiculous.

Your neighbor Howard Board and would have said something Tim Daly would have said something absolutely ridiculous. And they would just, or someone would ask you a crazy question and they would cut to you and you're processing and you have those sad eyes and you're just, the camera would hold on you. And it was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen. I never knew I had sad eyes. Very sad.

That's the first time. I'm going to be 90 years old in September. You're going to be 90 in September? No one has ever said my eyes were sad. Well, they can evoke sadness, they're very powerful eyes. They can also evoke joy. Is this really nice? Do I have sad eyes?

I think they're kind eyes. Thank you. I think you have really nice eyes. Thank you. I wouldn't use the word sad. This isn't going well. I've been alienated by everyone here. I think what I was trying to say is, in a Buster Keaton way, the kind of forlorn.

You're trying to get back. Okay. God. I'm being eviscerated. We've done how many of these? We've done like 30 of these with everybody and then Bob Newhart comes in and the gentlest kindest comic of all time and he's tearing my face off with words. I'm a bleeding skull right now.

I hope you're happy. I'll give you an example. We did a show and the writing was marvelous. This is the Bob Newhart show. So I come in, Carol, the receptionist, she said, a man is in your office. So I come in and there's a ventriloquist. Oh, my God, this is such a yes. I love this episode.

Yes. And he's sitting there with Danny, his dummy, right? And I'd sit down and I said, what can I do for you? And he said, Danny wants to go out on his own. The dummy. The dummy wants to go out. And it was so much fun to watch you, you know, whoever had the idea to say, Bob Newhart is a psychiatrist, you know, and his job is to sit there and listen to insane people

because it's all about the reaction. So if anyone wants to look that scene up, it is absolutely wonderful because you're sitting there and at one point even you get lulled into talking to the dummy. Which is. Well, then the dummy wants to be alone with me. Yes. Yes. Can I speak to you alone privately privately?

And he's like gesturing up at the guy operating him like, I got to lose this guy. Yeah. There are so many beautiful. I told you, I think I told you once, one of my favorite episodes was the time. You were, you were locked. We better get someone for her. Yeah. No, no, no, she needs oxygen.

An ambulance. I know. I'm sorry. I don't, I don't want this on my hands, you know, there, no, no, it's you'll be implicated. You were in the room and you'll be implicated when she asphyxiates. No, it's, it's so nice because you've said that you think comedy is often best when it's approached from almost a childlike mindset. There's a simplicity to it.

And this is something I think that you and I completely agree on, which is the danger of cynicism, the danger of cynicism getting into comedy. And that's something that I know that you feel strongly about and I feel strongly about. Yeah. And there's this story that I, it was in my book as a matter of fact, Art Linkler told the story and he has this program of kids saved the darndest thing, which was a massive hit show from the, I think fifties and fifties sixties. So he's doing the show and there's this one kid in the front and I think he's not smiling

or participating at all. So they go to commercials. So Art comes over to him and he said, you don't seem to be enjoying the show. And he said, well, my, my dog died and I love my dog and I miss him. And Art said, well, he said, you know, your dog died and you're a young, a young person and you'll live for a long time, but one day you'll die and you'll go to heaven and there will be your dog and you'll be reunited with your dog. And the kid said, what does God want with a dead dog?

That's a really good question actually. And the commission still has that childlike quality of asking what does God want with a dead dog? Right, right. Right. And it, and you know, obviously there's all kinds of different movements in comedy and there are people that think it should be very harsh or it should, it should say something. It should say something.

I've been preaching. No, I was saying to you say something. I just, I, I would like my lawyer here, I'm getting out of show business, I'm getting destroyed and so does the loving it, so there's no fan of mine and she loves to see me get destroyed. But no, to that point that people that want comedy to say something and I've said for years, if you've learned anything from my comedy, then I failed you. And I believe that I just want to, I want to make people laugh in very silly ways.

And I do think that's one of the things too that has held up so well as your body of work is just you enjoying yourself and being funny in I think this very primal, simple way. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. That's it. And that's our job. I mean, that's to take the absurdity of life and then maybe, maybe there's some pain and

just help people get past that pain. Yeah. You know, if you do that, I think it's a very important role that laughter plays in life. I think it's essential. I know that you've made, you made an attempt. You told me this once, you made an attempt to, you thought, okay, I've done it all. I've had the, you've conquered so many different aspects of the medium. And then you, you got to the point where you thought, you know, maybe I'll, maybe I'll

stop doing the live touring. I won't do that anymore. And you decided, I'll just, I'll just enjoy my time around the house. I'll stay with Jenny and we'll just, we'll just enjoy this time. How'd that go? Not well. People will say, you know, I'm going to be 90. Why do you still, still do stand up?

And the alternative is to me, a sunset boulevard, you know, it's sitting in a darkened room and having Eric von Stroheim come in and say, what, would you like to watch an episode of New Heart or, or the bottom? And you're sitting there with all these other old characters and you're all, yeah, the house is very creepy and yeah, I know. No. And it's the other thing is if you, as hard as it is to believe, I've been doing my thing for a long time to some people, to younger people.

I am now this guy, they grew up watching or, or being forced to watch or trying not to watch. And I have, they'll say to me sometimes, well, when are you going to sort of wrap it up? And I'll think, well, I'm, I love it. I love doing it and I love making stuff. And by the way, you know, what's your problem? Punk. I love to wrap.

And it's like, you know, I'm, I'm just tired of making people laugh. I don't want to do it anymore. Right. Right. Why would, why would someone say that? Why would you say that? Yeah. How did, I hate the sound, the laughter, the sound of it.

I just, it's like the fingers are now black. Yes. Was it your wife who noticed that this wasn't working for you? You were sitting around the house and. Well, I hadn't stopped totally, I just, I reduced a lot of the appearances I would. And Jenny said, you're going nuts, aren't you? Yeah. I said, yeah.

Yeah. She said, well, I guess you better go back. You better get going. Yeah. Yeah. Do more dates. I sometimes threaten my wife with stopping. Well, here's Jenny, this is, we were married 56 years in this past January.

And here, as you know, you have to take out, you have to separate the recyclables from the non-recyclables. So Jenny will say to me on a Monday night or Tuesday, whenever they pick up. She said, you know, Bob, you want to take out the recyclables. And I was kind of feeling full of myself. So I said, and this is when they were getting along. I said, do you think that Angelina Jolie says to Brad Pitt, you forgot to take out the recyclables. And Jenny said, if you were Brad Pitt, I wouldn't ask you that.

It's good. You've been humbled. It's a kind of relationship for you. Yeah. I, you came to my house, the first time you came to my house, I had a bunch of people over and it was sweet because no one knew that you were going to be there. And everybody lost their mind and a line formed and people were lining up, you know, and these just the big names of today lined up to come and, and, and get a chance to talk to Bob

Newhart. And it was just lovely to see and no one had any interest in talking to me. They were. But, but you're used to that. I mean. Oh, for God's sake. Why? Why am I?

Too much, right? No, no, no, no, no. Too early? No, no. I think, I think Sonoma might say not enough. Not enough. Yeah. Yeah.

Piled it on. You know, Bob, I'm seeing a new act here where I go out on stage with you and you just abuse me for 40 minutes. But it's like low hanging fruit, you know, you just, it's just too easy. He can't resist. This is the best day of my life. Okay. All right.

Now, Sonoma, now, Sonoma, you remember who your real loyalties to. Bob Newhart. Yeah. All right. Oh, God. What does it mean that you have Chicago values? You said that about yourself and about your wife. You said we have Chicago values and I didn't know, did that mean you like deep dish pizza?

What does it mean? Well, you don't start putting on airs, right? You know, hey, hey, I knew you. Okay. Right. Yeah. We used to play baseball together. So don't, don't be like a big star, you know, right?

So do you find in your life that you, or I'll shoot you, you find in your life that you've had to compensate because you've had so much success. You feel that you need to compensate and tell people, I don't, I don't think I'm a big deal. I know I've had a tremendous amount of success or you just, you don't worry about it. I get nervous. Yeah. You get self-conscious. Yeah.

Yeah. About the fact that you've had this success and so maybe the more I compliment you right now. Whatever stops. Right. Oh, no, no. Trust me. You never will.

But what I'm getting the sense is that the more I compliment you, the more uncomfortable you'll be. That's right. I think you're a genius. I really do. You're an incredible genius. I think you redefine the medium. Okay.

All right. All right. Stop. I think you, there's no one like you. Stop. You've got the body of an Adonis. Well, that's true. You know, I'm sure at some point I'm going to just leave little pauses here and you can

always jump in and say something about me or my work or how much I've meant to you. And I'll just, I'll just leave pauses there and you jump in at any time that you like and you know, you say whatever you want. I did. You had me on your podcast and it was one of my favorite things. I wish there had been a camera rolling because you were talking to me and we were chatting and at one point you didn't realize how cold it would be in the room. And I think I was wearing a jacket and you were cold.

And so during the podcast, you commented on how cold it was and someone who was there working with you, there was nothing. So they just took the big, whatever it's the Afghan or the cover off the bed, this big blanket and you wrapped it around yourself and all I could see, it isolated your face in this way that was hilarious and you were wrapped up in this blanket, but there's no record of it. It's just audio. You were wrapped up and I thought it, I just thought I was talking to this Eskimo woman

completely wrapped up. I couldn't, and it was one of the funniest things in the world, but we never talked about it. We never commented on it. There was a thing, you started about the donation to, oh yes, yes, yes, yes. I think I started kidding and I hope people understood it was a joke, but they may not because we were both being very dry about it, but we were talking about doing charity events and I talked about how, of course, it's important to me to get paid and how I

only work with charities that pay the most money and how later people have come to me and said, you know, this is really hurting the charity. And I said, well, that's, that's your problem. And you were, you were like, really, this, you were so straight about it. And because I was following you and listening to your rhythm, I was being very straight about, well, look, you know, that I've been contacted by hospitals and they said the research is really stopped. And I said, look, that's why I don't understand why you're crying to me.

I'm professional and I need to get paid. And if this means that you didn't really care about whatever, oh God, no, no, I needed to get paid. And this is a business and and what did you expect? I think it was children's house. It was children's. And I said, oh, and no, and what I did is I started on then I said, I said, you know, what you can really do is the real money's in the children's diseases.

And we were playing it so straight and I was convinced that anybody listening to this is going to think he's an absolute monster. And at no point did you say, okay, well, this was a fun bit. You never did that. And so it's out there somewhere and now we've repeated it that the real money is doing stuff for kids because they have a hard time tracking you down. I'm a terrible person. And they're too sick.

I hope you've enjoyed my genteel interview with Bob Newhart. Probably the meanest, cruelest person in show business. What do you think, Sonia? How much did you enjoy this one? I loved it so much. I was about to finish. She is crying. She is crying.

I've made her cry but for different reasons. Let's please do this again. You know what? And I'll come to you. I'm never doing this again. Are you crazy? Come on. Whoa.

The money's, we'll get you some money next time. We'll get you, we'll find, we'll make it worth your while, you know, get you some ice. Mr. Bob Newhart, this is one of the best times I've had in memory. This was just, this is the hardest I've laughed. This was fantastic and thank you so, so much for being here. I think I'm just continuing Don Rickles' legacy. I think you outrickled Rickles today. I spent too much time with him.

Yes. Wow. And you know what the beauty is? I didn't see it coming. So with Don, I would have been covered up a little bit. Here I came in, arms open, and you put a knife right between the fifth and sixth rib. And that was within the first five minutes. Bob Newhart, thank you so much.

Thank you. Sona, are you ready for some voicemails? I am. I love voicemails. Conan, are you ready for some voicemails? I have some trepidation. I always think it's possible that my feelings will get hurt. I took that note last time, so these are purely positive.

Well, no, I don't want you to do that. I, okay, then play number, no, just kidding. But you know what I mean, if all comic artists are extremely, I think most of us are really sensitive and whenever someone says, we're opening up the lines and we've, you know, we've got some really fascinating, you always think someone's going to say, I've always hated you. Yeah. Oh, come on.

And then I'll say, dad. You didn't see that coming. All right, let's start with number 14. Hey, Conan, it's Seamus. You and I have the same teacher for English, our senior years of high school, though, was several years apart. And at the end of my senior year in English class, this teacher gave me the Conan O'Brien Award.

Now, my question is, what exactly does this mean? Did it mean that she thought you were a big success and she incorrectly assumed that I would also find some kind of success in my life, which certainly hasn't happened? Or does it mean that your senior year English teacher actually thought you were a big failure and she accurately foresaw my future life with failure? Your thoughts on that, please. Thank you very much. Wow.

This is the most loaded question. Yeah. Well, first of all, I, I had a passionate affair with my teacher. Oh my God. And so, I think, yes, this is, I mean, no, what's wrong with that? It was high school. Didn't he say senior in high school? Yeah.

Yeah. I think that is fine. I was, uh, I consider myself an adult at 18 and I was, uh, quite skilled. Oh God. Essentially. What's this? Stop. No, I'm just saying.

This is gross. Hello. I'm sorry. It's gross. It is. I'm, I know you don't want me to say that, but it's gross. It's gross. Why?

Because I'm too young at that age. It's gross. I don't like thinking of you that way at all ever. Listen, most people listen. It makes me nauseous. I understand that. Thanks a lot. I'm sorry.

But most people listen to the podcast because they think of me as a highly sexualized being. Okay. Well, this is, you guys talk about Eisenhower's phone. Yeah. Well, now that was pretty steamy. Yeah. Have you seen the phone? Oh my God.

It's dope. Yeah. I did see it. Sona. Yes. We work together and of course you've had to block out any thought of seeing me that way. But the only success I've had in show business is people seeing me as a highly sexualized

being. Oh my God. Wait. So I have a question. Yeah. So you guys had a passionate affair and then she just named an award for you because of that? For obvious reasons.

And I think no one's quite met the Conan O'Brien standards since then. Except Seamus. Seamus, yeah. And apparently she has an eye for the Irish kids. No, this is a, first of all, for legal reasons, let me point out that no, I did not have any relations with his teacher. Sona, that was very hurtful. Sona, you only say that because you happen to know that I lost my virginity during Obama's

second term. I was waiting to see how the healthcare thing went and then I celebrated. Is he claiming, how long after me did he go to school? I couldn't quite tell that part. Does he say? I don't think so. I've been on television and I've become like a known person. It must be.

I'm sure that the teacher is bragging to her students like, hey, I had Conan O'Brien, the person you all know from TV. Yeah. I had Conan O'Brien. See what I'm saying? Come on. No, I see what you're saying. No, I'm just saying.

Yeah. I know you are. 18 is, you know. You know how they make those eye washes and laboratories? I want one for my ears. No. Listen, Gourly, you're mispronouncing it. Is it Gourly?

Anyway. Gourly. Oh, wait. You have a beard. Oh, my face. Jesus. Do you think Kimmel does a podcast? It's the most, there, a lot of food gets dished out at that podcast.

Okay. So, Sheamus, I don't know why she gave this to you. I'm going to assume that she saw greatness in you and I see greatness in you even though I can't see you. So, Sheamus, please don't get down on yourself. Maybe you're just being self-deprecating. Maybe that's the key. Sheamus is clearly very self-deprecating, so she probably gives the Conan O'Brien award

to the student who leans too heavily on that type of humor, as do I. Well done. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gourly, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Well thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Bekton.

You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts where wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.