Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Bryan Cranston Returns
Episode Date: January 9, 2023Actor Bryan Cranston feels stimulated about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Bryan sits down with Conan once more to dive into the details of his wild first sexual encounter in Salzburg, transitioni...ng from physical comedy in Malcolm in the Middle to the high-stakes drama of Breaking Bad, how kindness and hard work are the key to a satisfying career, and the upcoming season 2 of Your Honor. Plus, Conan regretfully comes to terms with how Joop! cologne has impacted his life.
 Transcript
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                                        Hi, my name is Brian Cranston.
                                         
                                        And I feel stimulated to being on, to being, to about being, I just can't say it.
                                         
                                        I think you just couldn't get beyond stimulated.
                                         
                                        Hey, Conan O'Brien here. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, sitting here with Sonam
                                         
                                        of Sessian. Hi.
                                         
                                        You were staring very intently at your glass of water.
                                         
                                        I was trying not to be loud about it.
                                         
                                        I feel like I'm very like loud when I do things, so I'm trying to be very gentle.
                                         
    
                                        No, but you were down and you were staring into the glass and kind of a-
                                         
                                        I don't know, I zoned out. I think I zoned out first.
                                         
                                        I think you completely zoned out.
                                         
                                        I don't even think you realized you were in studio.
                                         
                                        Right.
                                         
                                        And how are you, Matt Gorley?
                                         
                                        I'm fine.
                                         
                                        He's just staring at a pen.
                                         
    
                                        Guys, we've got to be on the ball. People listen to this podcast because of our
                                         
                                        razor sharp repartee.
                                         
                                        They do?
                                         
                                        That way?
                                         
                                        No.
                                         
                                        No.
                                         
                                        Wait, I forgot what we did.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
    
                                        No, it's not for that reason.
                                         
                                        What about all the research we do before each podcast?
                                         
                                        Use all the prep, the meetings, when we talk about what we're going to say.
                                         
                                        You know, it'd be really funny if we revealed that we met for a whole day beforehand
                                         
                                        and worked out in great detail the nonsense that we were going to discuss.
                                         
                                        It's all scripted.
                                         
                                        Oh, and it's all meticulously laid out and it's storyboarded.
                                         
                                        It's storyboarded.
                                         
    
                                        And then there were little moments where you're supposed to say,
                                         
                                        yeah, I'd buy that with an onion, you know, and then, you know what I'm saying?
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Well, you say that line?
                                         
                                        Yeah, I'd buy that with an onion.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Then we get another take.
                                         
                                        That's pretty good.
                                         
    
                                        Was it?
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        We also hire actors so we can watch this thing ahead of time and make notes and changes.
                                         
                                        You know what this is becoming?
                                         
                                        It's a lot like Nathan Fielder, his show where the rehearsal,
                                         
                                        I'm a huge Nathan Fielder fan and I would love it.
                                         
                                        I would love to see him hire actors to listen to a lot of our podcasts
                                         
                                        and then try and recreate us talking.
                                         
    
                                        And then, of course, Nathan's there with his pad of paper or his notebook,
                                         
                                        his computer, studying, trying to crack the great mystery that is three idiots.
                                         
                                        Basically killing some time.
                                         
                                        That's true.
                                         
                                        I would not work well if we had to plan anything, though.
                                         
                                        If we actually sat down and thought about the things that we were going to say,
                                         
                                        I don't think I could.
                                         
                                        I'd walk out.
                                         
    
                                        You're pretty chill.
                                         
                                        Now, let me ask you a question.
                                         
                                        Are you a chill mom?
                                         
                                        Because I've known you for a long time and then you have these beautiful boys now,
                                         
                                        these twin boys, Mikey and Charlie.
                                         
                                        And I'm wondering, give us a read on what kind of mom you are.
                                         
                                        Are you a mom who's like, it's all good?
                                         
                                        So we ate a gummy.
                                         
    
                                        What's the big deal?
                                         
                                        Oh, God.
                                         
                                        No, I am.
                                         
                                        I am a very like, you know, let them live and explore.
                                         
                                        And like, that's their journey.
                                         
                                        That's the highway.
                                         
                                        They should walk around it and take a look at stuff.
                                         
                                        You know, there are lines like, you know,
                                         
    
                                        I don't let them walk into oncoming traffic if that's what you're saying.
                                         
                                        Okay.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        No, the point is keep them alive.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        But I'm not like, oh, they dropped.
                                         
                                        They dropped this.
                                         
                                        I must wash it thoroughly with soap and water.
                                         
    
                                        And well, who are you doing?
                                         
                                        I don't think Gourley.
                                         
                                        I mean, you might be that kind of guy.
                                         
                                        Are you that guy?
                                         
                                        You're not that guy.
                                         
                                        No, I think Amanda's a little more chill than me for those things.
                                         
                                        But yeah, I'm not a helicopter parent.
                                         
                                        We let our kid kind of ping off the walls like a Roomba.
                                         
    
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Are you?
                                         
                                        I'm not, but my wife has hired private detectives.
                                         
                                        Lots of them.
                                         
                                        For your kids?
                                         
                                        For our, just to follow our kids around.
                                         
    
                                        Really?
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        She's always getting reports.
                                         
                                        You're worried that they're cheating on you with other parents?
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        There's pictures of them meeting with these other parents
                                         
                                        who actually looked them in the eye when they talked to him.
                                         
                                        And don't discuss their career and show business.
                                         
    
                                        Yes, odd nauseam.
                                         
                                        They look, frankly, they look very happy in these photos.
                                         
                                        They look very happy.
                                         
                                        They go there.
                                         
                                        They all eat a nice, lovely meal together.
                                         
                                        And the father asked them about them.
                                         
                                        Doesn't seem to monologue incessantly about his podcast
                                         
                                        and his next move in the business.
                                         
    
                                        We're clearly your new children then.
                                         
                                        Yeah, I'm just sitting here thinking, I know what that's like.
                                         
                                        I've really never been like, Hey guys,
                                         
                                        watch this sketch I did.
                                         
                                        That was really funny.
                                         
                                        No, that was not going well.
                                         
                                        Literally because you just did that to us earlier today.
                                         
                                        No, you guys are different.
                                         
    
                                        Oh, okay.
                                         
                                        You work for me.
                                         
                                        You have to do.
                                         
                                        And you're going to watch more.
                                         
                                        Eduardo, queue up 75 sketches I worked on for SNL
                                         
                                        that are at best a B or a B plus.
                                         
                                        But what if they're like, Oh my God, I love Brad Pitt.
                                         
                                        You're like, well, I did a bit with him years ago
                                         
    
                                        during late night.
                                         
                                        Here it is.
                                         
                                        Look how cool I am.
                                         
                                        No, they're not.
                                         
                                        And this is, I shout out.
                                         
                                        I mean, I really love my kids for this there.
                                         
                                        I think on some deep, deep, deep level
                                         
                                        that could only be found on an MRI, proud of me.
                                         
    
                                        But, or, you know, they think, okay, he's, you know,
                                         
                                        he's paying the rent.
                                         
                                        Good for him.
                                         
                                        You guys are retting, huh?
                                         
                                        Yeah, yeah, we are.
                                         
                                        Too bad.
                                         
                                        I made some bad investments.
                                         
                                        Anyway,
                                         
    
                                        I can make it.
                                         
                                        I just can't hold on to it.
                                         
                                        I love the ponies.
                                         
                                        I'm always at the track.
                                         
                                        Be great if you saw me every week at the track.
                                         
                                        And I'm always walking out at Santa Anita
                                         
                                        and I'm always tearing up tickets angrily.
                                         
                                        And I'm wearing a rumpled shirt and a crappy pork pie hat.
                                         
    
                                        That's what I pictured.
                                         
                                        Exactly what I pictured.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        And I'm just, I'm just mad.
                                         
                                        I'm, I was there.
                                         
                                        Two dollars a race.
                                         
                                        Yeah, two dollars a race.
                                         
                                        And then just chewing out someone who gave me the bum tip,
                                         
    
                                        screaming at jockeys when they're trying to get to their car.
                                         
                                        And horse had gone faster.
                                         
                                        They put a bank safe in the saddle.
                                         
                                        Sure, we really don't need to take this abuse.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        So that's, that's me.
                                         
                                        That's me.
                                         
                                        No, but I, I, yeah, I give them a lot of credit because they,
                                         
    
                                        they, they are not, they are certainly not sick of fence
                                         
                                        about my work, which is really nice.
                                         
                                        That's nice.
                                         
                                        You know, you've, but you've done like, I mean, you're,
                                         
                                        I know Beckett's into the Simpsons.
                                         
                                        Like you've probably shown him like the monorail episode.
                                         
                                        Well, I didn't, that was nice because he found that on his own.
                                         
                                        Oh, okay.
                                         
    
                                        So he just was into the Simpsons
                                         
                                        and I didn't really say anything about it.
                                         
                                        And then I think one day he saw my name.
                                         
                                        He didn't know.
                                         
                                        Oh, that's amazing.
                                         
                                        Might have known, but it's interesting.
                                         
                                        He found the Simpsons pretty young and it's not, I,
                                         
                                        I don't walk around saying, you know what I used to do
                                         
    
                                        because my wife won't allow it.
                                         
                                        Not cause I don't want to.
                                         
                                        She really.
                                         
                                        I can't wait for my daughter to find my James Bond podcasts
                                         
                                        and really be floored.
                                         
                                        She will be though.
                                         
                                        She will be.
                                         
                                        There's a certain age where they're proud of you
                                         
    
                                        cause you're the only parent they had, you know?
                                         
                                        What?
                                         
                                        I'm sorry, but soon or later my kids are,
                                         
                                        my kids are just going to have to go, that's the dad we got.
                                         
                                        You go to war with the army you got.
                                         
                                        Exactly.
                                         
                                        Exactly.
                                         
                                        That's the dad we were handed by a cruel arbitrary God.
                                         
    
                                        And then they'll find little things about me that were,
                                         
                                        you know, that were okay.
                                         
                                        So.
                                         
                                        Yeah, I'm sure they will.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Now they will.
                                         
                                        Of course they will.
                                         
                                        Yeah, yeah.
                                         
    
                                        What are we talking about here?
                                         
                                        I don't know.
                                         
                                        I think they will.
                                         
                                        I don't want my kids to see or do anything that I've ever done.
                                         
                                        Well, you wrote a book about pretty much where you laid bare
                                         
                                        your work ethic and some of your misadventures.
                                         
                                        What about when your kids find that book?
                                         
                                        I know.
                                         
    
                                        And then like, you know,
                                         
                                        World's Worst Assistant by Sonam of Sassan.
                                         
                                        Available in bookstores everywhere, you know?
                                         
                                        New York Times.
                                         
                                        It's a New York Times bestseller.
                                         
                                        You can get it for the holidays or after the holidays.
                                         
                                        You could have gotten it for the holidays.
                                         
                                        Yeah, I'm sure you got it for the holidays.
                                         
    
                                        Yeah, yeah.
                                         
                                        So, but the point is, how do you feel about the day
                                         
                                        when Mikey and Charlie are walking through a bookstore
                                         
                                        and they see that book?
                                         
                                        Because it'll be in print as long as Catch-22 by Joseph Heller.
                                         
                                        Okay.
                                         
                                        No, it won't.
                                         
                                        But I think there's going to be, like, you know,
                                         
    
                                        there's me talking about weed and dating boys,
                                         
                                        but by then they might not even care about that stuff.
                                         
                                        That's a whole different generation.
                                         
                                        There'll be no dating in the future, I think.
                                         
                                        It's going to be, everyone's going to just sort of,
                                         
                                        I think sexes are going away.
                                         
                                        I think we're all just going to be,
                                         
                                        and sex is going to go away.
                                         
    
                                        We're just going to replicate using various machines.
                                         
                                        Are you talking about your own life?
                                         
                                        I know.
                                         
                                        What is this?
                                         
                                        Are you projecting?
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        This is Christ.
                                         
                                        Yeah, and we're going to get real depressed.
                                         
    
                                        Or we're going to watch our old stuff from the 90s alone.
                                         
                                        Because your kids won't watch it.
                                         
                                        Yeah, where you're sitting next to a young Andy Rector.
                                         
                                        Wait, this isn't me.
                                         
                                        I'm talking in broad, general terms about what's going to happen
                                         
                                        to civilization as we go forward.
                                         
                                        You're going to start taking those pills you found in the park.
                                         
                                        Anyway, we got to get going.
                                         
    
                                        We got a lot of show today.
                                         
                                        Can't be babbling on like this when we have a man of this stature here.
                                         
                                        I know.
                                         
                                        He's cool.
                                         
                                        We'll just say, yeah, he too is cool.
                                         
                                        No, he is.
                                         
                                        Now, he's cool.
                                         
                                        Now, that guy's cool.
                                         
    
                                        Now, that guy can happily show his kids what he's done.
                                         
                                        I bet they're just clamoring to see what he's done.
                                         
                                        He is also cool.
                                         
                                        He is.
                                         
                                        No, that's not cool.
                                         
                                        Now, that guy.
                                         
                                        You're not listening.
                                         
                                        You know, my guest today is an Emmy and Tony Award-winning actor.
                                         
    
                                        Okay, so he's got an Emmy and a Tony.
                                         
                                        He's an it.
                                         
                                        A what?
                                         
                                        He's an it.
                                         
                                        What happens when you, what do you do when I'll get when you have everything?
                                         
                                        He got.
                                         
                                        He got.
                                         
                                        Does that include Latin Grammys?
                                         
    
                                        Well, maybe.
                                         
                                        I mean, it's a Grammy.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        My guest today is an Emmy and Tony Award-winning actor who played Walter White on the AMC series
                                         
                                        Breaking Bad.
                                         
                                        I think I just gave it away.
                                         
                                        Now you can see him in the second season of the critically acclaimed Showtime series,
                                         
                                        Your Honor Thrilled.
                                         
    
                                        He's with us today.
                                         
                                        Brian Cranston.
                                         
                                        Welcome.
                                         
                                        Once you said stimulated the whole atmosphere in the room changed.
                                         
                                        Yeah, stimmy.
                                         
                                        Stimmy.
                                         
                                        It's a stim.
                                         
                                        Stimmy stim.
                                         
    
                                        Stimmy stimulation for Brian Cranston, to Conan O'Brien's friend.
                                         
                                        I think that's Conan O'Brien's friend.
                                         
                                        That's where I stumbled.
                                         
                                        Cruel.
                                         
                                        Yeah, cruel and unnecessary.
                                         
                                        A man of your stature.
                                         
                                        No, because I haven't entered into the pantion of that.
                                         
                                        My great friends.
                                         
    
                                        Brotherhood, yes.
                                         
                                        Like Sona and Matt.
                                         
                                        Yes.
                                         
                                        What does that mean?
                                         
                                        Well, I'm sorry.
                                         
                                        Towering figures.
                                         
                                        And we're not your friends.
                                         
                                        Let's be friends.
                                         
    
                                        Oh, well.
                                         
                                        You're paid to be my friends.
                                         
                                        Like a hooker.
                                         
                                        It's a similar relationship.
                                         
                                        Assistant.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Adam's like the pimp.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
    
                                        Oh, it's true.
                                         
                                        Look, it's the world's oldest profession.
                                         
                                        Oh, so I'm told.
                                         
                                        Yes, sweetheart.
                                         
                                        Ever had any experience?
                                         
                                        You didn't.
                                         
                                        I did.
                                         
                                        You did?
                                         
    
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Let's get into it.
                                         
                                        Brian Cranston, you were with a Lady of the Evening once, huh?
                                         
                                        Yes.
                                         
                                        I was a virgin.
                                         
                                        And I was traveling with a bunch of friends in Europe.
                                         
                                        I was 16 years old.
                                         
                                        Oh, my God.
                                         
    
                                        And it was the thing to do.
                                         
                                        And I was actually looking forward to it.
                                         
                                        And nervous as hell.
                                         
                                        Of course.
                                         
                                        I'm 16.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        And a bunch of friends who we were out together and said,
                                         
                                        we're going to do this.
                                         
    
                                        Let's go.
                                         
                                        Let's go.
                                         
                                        Yeah, yeah, sure, let's go.
                                         
                                        Oh, my God.
                                         
                                        And we go to this, the Red Light District in Salzburg, Austria.
                                         
                                        Whoa.
                                         
                                        OK.
                                         
                                        And my two older friends, they were about a year and a half older than me.
                                         
    
                                        And they're going in and I started to get cold feet.
                                         
                                        And I said, I don't think I brought enough money.
                                         
                                        I don't think I have enough Austrian francs to be able to make this transaction.
                                         
                                        Sure.
                                         
                                        And they both made their deals and they went upstairs.
                                         
                                        And I said, no, I don't have the money or trying to indicate in the universal language.
                                         
                                        Right.
                                         
                                        Don't have it or whatever.
                                         
    
                                        And I sat down in the foyer and then this woman came up to me.
                                         
                                        And everyone's older than you when you're 16.
                                         
                                        Yes.
                                         
                                        I could not tell you how old she was.
                                         
                                        She came up and she was indicated in my pockets.
                                         
                                        I go, oh, no, no, see.
                                         
                                        And she said, I'll show you that I don't have enough.
                                         
                                        See, that's just not like this is nothing.
                                         
    
                                        This is not.
                                         
                                        And she grabbed the money and grabbed my hands and like, oh, my Lord.
                                         
                                        And I went, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, this is happening.
                                         
                                        This is happening.
                                         
                                        Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.
                                         
                                        And we go into this room.
                                         
                                        There's a single bed.
                                         
                                        There's a sink and a trash can.
                                         
    
                                        That's it.
                                         
                                        Oh, Jesus.
                                         
                                        So I had just, and she goes, you know, she points to my clothes like that and like this.
                                         
                                        She's preparing herself.
                                         
                                        And she really sets the mood.
                                         
                                        Oh, my God.
                                         
                                        My penis would be up inside my body at this point.
                                         
                                        It would have retracted into my left lung to have its little arms crossed.
                                         
    
                                        Oh, you are a woman.
                                         
                                        You are a woman.
                                         
                                        No, I swear, I swear.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        So then I had to stand up while taking my clothes off and I put it on a hook.
                                         
                                        And she goes, oh, come on.
                                         
                                        And I knew it was like, oh, my God, I was so nervous that I didn't really feel anything.
                                         
                                        I was just, my brain was on fire.
                                         
    
                                        And at one point I thought, oh, I should, I should touch your breasts.
                                         
                                        Just one of them.
                                         
                                        It's like diffusing a bomb.
                                         
                                        Don't touch the wrong one.
                                         
                                        Clip the red wire.
                                         
                                        Not the blue one.
                                         
                                        And it was, it was like, which one should I touch?
                                         
                                        I don't, I don't know.
                                         
    
                                        And so I just touched one of her breasts and all of a sudden I just felt her hand slap mine.
                                         
                                        Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
                                         
                                        Just, she slapped my hand to take my hand off her breast.
                                         
                                        So, yeah, because that was out of bounds.
                                         
                                        You didn't pay enough.
                                         
                                        Yeah, exactly.
                                         
                                        Oh, that's true.
                                         
                                        Exactly right.
                                         
    
                                        That's probably it.
                                         
                                        Like, no, no, no, you get this McDonald's meal.
                                         
                                        But you don't get the extra large fries and you don't get the shake.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        And there's no prize.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        So the deed was done.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
    
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Wow.
                                         
                                        16.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        And then, of course, out I go and my friends were coming down the stairs and, of course,
                                         
                                        I was smoking my imaginary cigarette.
                                         
                                        How was yours?
                                         
                                        But I say that it was like, it was a traumatic and a great exhilarating memorable experience,
                                         
    
                                        man.
                                         
                                        It was, it was a seminal moment in a, in a person's life when they lose their virginity.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        I've been going back to Austria every day.
                                         
                                        I know.
                                         
                                        Brian, I'm looking here.
                                         
                                        It says that you've shot your last seven movies in Austria in Salzburg.
                                         
    
                                        Yeah, it's such a beautiful place, though, Conan.
                                         
                                        And the exchange rate is really good.
                                         
                                        Very talented crews.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        You're often seen with a now 110-year-old woman walking hand-in-hand in the marketplace.
                                         
                                        Please don't address Heidi that way.
                                         
                                        She is very sensitive.
                                         
                                        Heidi Redbust?
                                         
    
                                        I've seen her.
                                         
                                        Wow.
                                         
                                        Wow.
                                         
                                        Wow.
                                         
                                        You know what I loved about that?
                                         
                                        We were just starting to chat.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        And I didn't, I didn't get us there.
                                         
    
                                        There was some joke and then,
                                         
                                        We were called prostitutes.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Which is a really funny joke.
                                         
                                        And then Brian just like, well, you're going to drag it out of me.
                                         
                                        I was one of the Watergate co-conspiratives.
                                         
    
                                        What?
                                         
                                        Well, you know, you are, I mean, my hats off to you because you are, you're adventurous.
                                         
                                        I think if you were in Europe in 16, I wasn't traveling around Europe
                                         
                                        when I was 16 years old and taking chances like that.
                                         
                                        I mean, was this always you?
                                         
                                        This is who you were?
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Yeah. I was born and raised in a suburb of LA and we didn't have any money.
                                         
    
                                        As a matter of fact, when I was 12, they posted a sign on our door for eviction
                                         
                                        because we couldn't pay our mortgage.
                                         
                                        And we had a, my parents had a very nasty separation.
                                         
                                        And I think it propelled me into high gear.
                                         
                                        If you were lulled into a nice environment and loving parents and everything,
                                         
                                        you can kind of take your time growing up.
                                         
                                        Yep.
                                         
                                        And I think it was like, now, do it now.
                                         
    
                                        You need to pay attention because all hell is breaking loose all around you.
                                         
                                        And so you're kind of hyper aware of things and still making tremendous amount of mistakes.
                                         
                                        But you're making, you're making them.
                                         
                                        Right.
                                         
                                        I was thinking about you today, obviously very excited that you were going to come in and talk
                                         
                                        because every time I talk to you is, it's a joy, but there was this quote that I came across that
                                         
                                        really resonates with me and I'm sure you've heard it, but it's Aaron Paul.
                                         
                                        And he said that you're one of the most professional people he's ever worked with.
                                         
    
                                        But you're also the most immature person he's ever worked with.
                                         
                                        And I thought, there is something about you that beautifully is able to contain both.
                                         
                                        And I believe that I like to think that I'm professional.
                                         
                                        I'm also a complete fool.
                                         
                                        And somehow I think it's possible to contain the two at the same time.
                                         
                                        Is that making sense to you?
                                         
                                        I think so.
                                         
                                        I don't think they're mutually exclusive.
                                         
    
                                        I think you can be sincere and have the things you want to set up in your life and enjoy it.
                                         
                                        Don't take it too seriously.
                                         
                                        Don't feel you're entitled to anything.
                                         
                                        You're very lucky.
                                         
                                        And I think if you flow with that, you get a chance to have fun and goof around.
                                         
                                        But I think it depends on how you were raised and the principles that you stand by.
                                         
                                        I really do.
                                         
                                        I tell actors all the time, get your personal life in order.
                                         
    
                                        If you really want to be an actor, you have to get your personal life in order so that you don't flake out.
                                         
                                        If you get your first job and you have a nice big paycheck, don't go blow it on something.
                                         
                                        Put it away so that the more sustain you.
                                         
                                        So the longer you can be an actor and make a living in it.
                                         
                                        That's so fascinating because I think there are probably a lot of young actors out there that think the other way.
                                         
                                        There are people that think in order to be a great artist, I must act like a maniac because the tailwags, the dog, what doesn't.
                                         
                                        You just need to be good at what you do at your career.
                                         
                                        You need to be good at what you do at your craft.
                                         
    
                                        You need to keep it together.
                                         
                                        But I think there are a lot of people that don't think that way.
                                         
                                        You know what I mean?
                                         
                                        That think, yeah, I'm in my 20s.
                                         
                                        I'm starting to make some money.
                                         
                                        Gravity is starting to lift.
                                         
                                        Everyone's treating me really nicely.
                                         
                                        It's time to fuck up.
                                         
    
                                        Well, it's like especially with men.
                                         
                                        Men are just boys that can shave.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Because...
                                         
                                        Wow.
                                         
                                        Wow, you really...
                                         
                                        I'm going to take that one on the road.
                                         
                                        You really got to Sona on that one.
                                         
    
                                        Sona, how's the marriage?
                                         
                                        It's so funny.
                                         
                                        It was true because we're very...
                                         
                                        We're stimulated physically.
                                         
                                        We see a car.
                                         
                                        We see a beautiful person, male or female.
                                         
                                        Look at that.
                                         
                                        Look at these things.
                                         
    
                                        We sometimes act upon it.
                                         
                                        We look as a boy.
                                         
                                        Oh, I want that chocolate.
                                         
                                        I want that thing.
                                         
                                        As men, you have to look at it and go,
                                         
                                        I want that chocolate.
                                         
                                        But if I grab that chocolate,
                                         
                                        I'm going to feel such and such after.
                                         
    
                                        I want that woman.
                                         
                                        But I am married and I need to not do that.
                                         
                                        You have to think of consequences
                                         
                                        behind every decision.
                                         
                                        That's basically the difference between
                                         
                                        a man and a boy.
                                         
                                        Yeah, it's funny because I know that
                                         
                                        I've known Bob Odenkirk forever
                                         
    
                                        and he gives you a lot of credit
                                         
                                        for helping him
                                         
                                        when he was starting out
                                         
                                        in his role on Breaking Bad
                                         
                                        and he said that you
                                         
                                        were very good at telling him
                                         
                                        you got to know your lines,
                                         
                                        you got to hit your mark,
                                         
    
                                        you got to do the work beforehand
                                         
                                        and that was your introduction
                                         
                                        to acting for him.
                                         
                                        We've got to get your shit together
                                         
                                        before you go out there.
                                         
                                        I've heard all kinds of stories
                                         
                                        over the years in this business,
                                         
                                        mostly behind the scenes
                                         
    
                                        about very well-known actors
                                         
                                        that don't do that.
                                         
                                        They don't know their lines.
                                         
                                        You'd be surprised.
                                         
                                        Yes, and they're hanging out
                                         
                                        in their trailer for a while
                                         
                                        and they're not just doing the work.
                                         
                                        And I think one of the times
                                         
    
                                        there's so much pride
                                         
                                        in the fact that you've been
                                         
                                        a working actor
                                         
                                        really your entire life,
                                         
                                        the most part of your life.
                                         
                                        And it's such a nice way to break it down
                                         
                                        because we can all get existential
                                         
                                        about our career
                                         
    
                                        or where are we now.
                                         
                                        You're working, you're working,
                                         
                                        you're making things,
                                         
                                        you're paying your mortgage.
                                         
                                        It's a great way to,
                                         
                                        I think, kind of simplify it.
                                         
                                        The business that you love to do,
                                         
                                        a creative one,
                                         
    
                                        and you make a living,
                                         
                                        I don't want to hear a complaint out of you.
                                         
                                        I don't want to hear that you have to be here
                                         
                                        at six o'clock in the morning.
                                         
                                        We're acting. Look at us.
                                         
                                        So every job that I work on
                                         
                                        where I lead the cast,
                                         
                                        I try to set that example
                                         
    
                                        so that I don't want to hear any complaints
                                         
                                        from anyone.
                                         
                                        There's enough artistic frustration
                                         
                                        within.
                                         
                                        You need to recast because this didn't work out.
                                         
                                        There's enough problems to deal with.
                                         
                                        You should not be dealing
                                         
                                        with any kind of problems of
                                         
    
                                        I don't want to be here that early
                                         
                                        or how late do we have to stay
                                         
                                        or some actors
                                         
                                        who don't want to
                                         
                                        be off-camera for another actor.
                                         
                                        It's like, I started
                                         
                                        that when I was really young.
                                         
                                        Jennifer O'Neill, do you remember Jennifer O'Neill?
                                         
    
                                        Sure.
                                         
                                        Summer of 42, beautiful, beautiful woman.
                                         
                                        I was a guest star
                                         
                                        on a show that she did called Cover Up.
                                         
                                        Was it Cover Up? I think it was.
                                         
                                        And
                                         
                                        I had this big emotional scene.
                                         
                                        It was the De Numeau.
                                         
    
                                        Here it was. Here's what happened.
                                         
                                        Here's why it happened and how it happened.
                                         
                                        And it's with her.
                                         
                                        And we came back from lunch
                                         
                                        and the director said,
                                         
                                        Jennifer is still
                                         
                                        having lunch with someone
                                         
                                        in the commissary.
                                         
    
                                        You're side of it now
                                         
                                        with the script supervisor
                                         
                                        reading it off-camera.
                                         
                                        And I said,
                                         
                                        this is a big scene.
                                         
                                        I wouldn't mind if it was
                                         
                                        just a couple little lines and not a big deal,
                                         
                                        not an emotional thing.
                                         
    
                                        But this is a big deal.
                                         
                                        So I don't think so.
                                         
                                        I don't think we should do that.
                                         
                                        And they said, excuse me?
                                         
                                        I said, no, I think we should
                                         
                                        wait for her then, don't you think?
                                         
                                        And they said,
                                         
                                        well,
                                         
    
                                        I don't know if we should.
                                         
                                        And I said, no, I think it's important enough
                                         
                                        to wait for her to get this right.
                                         
                                        And so they had to wait for her.
                                         
                                        That's great.
                                         
                                        You had, again, this is a testament to
                                         
                                        you're very young at this point.
                                         
                                        You haven't made it.
                                         
    
                                        No, I was 27.
                                         
                                        You're not Brian Cranston yet.
                                         
                                        You're an early form of Brian Cranston.
                                         
                                        You're the beta.
                                         
                                        And
                                         
                                        to say that,
                                         
                                        because I haven't done much work
                                         
                                        in that world, but what little I've done,
                                         
    
                                        it's immediately clear that
                                         
                                        they shoot you
                                         
                                        in your scene where you're yelling at me
                                         
                                        and then they turn around
                                         
                                        and they shoot me getting yelled at by you.
                                         
                                        And if you're
                                         
                                        out for that scene and they're just
                                         
                                        hanging a tennis ball there,
                                         
    
                                        pretend the tennis ball is Brian,
                                         
                                        it's very hard to do your thing.
                                         
                                        Not really, because that
                                         
                                        tennis ball probably gives you
                                         
                                        as much emotion as I would
                                         
                                        give you.
                                         
                                        And as much respect.
                                         
                                        I practiced this whole interview with a tennis
                                         
    
                                        ball.
                                         
                                        It was good, wasn't it?
                                         
                                        Yeah, but we're not speaking anymore.
                                         
                                        The tennis ball
                                         
                                        is filing a complaint.
                                         
                                        Cancelled by a tennis ball.
                                         
                                        That would be the lowest.
                                         
                                        You know, it's so funny because
                                         
    
                                        you've done so much work,
                                         
                                        obviously
                                         
                                        breaking bad and
                                         
                                        the work you're doing on your honor
                                         
                                        and you've done, I saw you on Broadway
                                         
                                        as Lyndon Johnson
                                         
                                        and you
                                         
                                        killed it and it was just
                                         
    
                                        so you've sort of
                                         
                                        conquered all these different worlds
                                         
                                        and I always go back
                                         
                                        to, it's funny, right now and then
                                         
                                        I run into Malcolm in the middle
                                         
                                        and it's one of the funniest
                                         
                                        performances I've seen
                                         
                                        on television.
                                         
    
                                        You as Hal
                                         
                                        and it's a very particular
                                         
                                        kind of
                                         
                                        almost cartoonish energy.
                                         
                                        I'm not even going to say almost,
                                         
                                        that you're bringing to that role and there are so many little
                                         
                                        ticks but the physicality of it
                                         
                                        is absolutely hilarious
                                         
    
                                        and so I came
                                         
                                        to that show later,
                                         
                                        I think when Malcolm in the middle was
                                         
                                        really hitting on all cylinders,
                                         
                                        I'm working on the late night show
                                         
                                        and I'm thinking, well that's a family show for kids.
                                         
                                        I'm not really paying attention
                                         
                                        and then I went back and I started seeing some of them later on
                                         
    
                                        and reruns and then I started noticing that
                                         
                                        there are fans that do like mashups
                                         
                                        of all of your most
                                         
                                        amazing sequences.
                                         
                                        I can watch those forever.
                                         
                                        I can watch those forever
                                         
                                        because I maintain that your shriek
                                         
                                        as Hal is one of the funniest things
                                         
    
                                        I've ever seen and also
                                         
                                        you run away
                                         
                                        funnier
                                         
                                        than anyone in comedy, I think.
                                         
                                        Your run away is absolutely
                                         
                                        delightful.
                                         
                                        Does that make sense to you, your run away?
                                         
                                        Want to see it?
                                         
    
                                        There are so many scenes where Hal
                                         
                                        is against it
                                         
                                        and you decide to run away
                                         
                                        and
                                         
                                        you do this thing
                                         
                                        where every part of your body
                                         
                                        is moving kind of incorrectly.
                                         
                                        It's like there's 35 cats
                                         
    
                                        inside a person's suit trying to run away
                                         
                                        and it is so
                                         
                                        hilarious.
                                         
                                        That's the kind of stuff I think physical comedy
                                         
                                        when people can nail that, I think you're in a
                                         
                                        just
                                         
                                        high stratosphere that most people
                                         
                                        don't get to experience.
                                         
    
                                        I can watch that stuff forever.
                                         
                                        That was an interesting
                                         
                                        job for me because everything
                                         
                                        else was cast. The entire family
                                         
                                        was already cast and they couldn't find the
                                         
                                        dad. In the pilot episode
                                         
                                        I think I have three or four
                                         
                                        lines and that's it.
                                         
    
                                        I was trying to find
                                         
                                        the core of every character
                                         
                                        that I do. I look for what's
                                         
                                        at the emotional center
                                         
                                        of this person
                                         
                                        and I'm looking for different ways
                                         
                                        and I finally came across it and I realized
                                         
                                        oh well, just keep this
                                         
    
                                        simple. I wrote down
                                         
                                        all the qualities that the
                                         
                                        Jane Kasmerick character played
                                         
                                        Lois had.
                                         
                                        Fierce.
                                         
                                        Tough. Resilient.
                                         
                                        I go, oh,
                                         
                                        fierce. Wimp.
                                         
    
                                        Tough. Soft.
                                         
                                        Resilient.
                                         
                                        Cracks immediately.
                                         
                                        I just went
                                         
                                        the complete opposite.
                                         
                                        One that I came to
                                         
                                        was fearless and I went
                                         
                                        oh, he's frightened.
                                         
    
                                        That's it. He's frightened
                                         
                                        of everything and so once I grabbed
                                         
                                        onto that, everything in his life
                                         
                                        he's frightened about being fired, about
                                         
                                        being a bad parent, about
                                         
                                        his wife leaving him,
                                         
                                        about spiders, about
                                         
                                        heights.
                                         
    
                                        He's frightened about everything and from
                                         
                                        that point everything kind of grew.
                                         
                                        And where did the shriek come from?
                                         
                                        Because it's...
                                         
                                        So much fun.
                                         
                                        There was a sequence I saw once where
                                         
                                        you've gotten into...
                                         
                                        what is it called, race walking?
                                         
    
                                        You've gotten into race walking and you think
                                         
                                        someone else is more jogging than race walking.
                                         
                                        One of your teammates are
                                         
                                        competitors and you accuse him
                                         
                                        and then he panics and he tries to
                                         
                                        go away and you say, don't worry, I've got
                                         
                                        this and you start
                                         
                                        race walking after him when you could
                                         
    
                                        just run.
                                         
                                        And I look at it and
                                         
                                        I am not
                                         
                                        some people say, well, to really
                                         
                                        see classic
                                         
                                        comedy, you need to
                                         
                                        look back at Chaplin and you need to look at
                                         
                                        Laurel and Herney. I think yes, definitely
                                         
    
                                        true, but you
                                         
                                        see it all over the place. You just have to
                                         
                                        be looking for it. There are people that can
                                         
                                        see it.
                                         
                                        And obviously that was a really great idea.
                                         
                                        So I give the writer's credit, the director.
                                         
                                        But that character
                                         
                                        is one of the funniest characters in
                                         
    
                                        television, I think. It still endures.
                                         
                                        You know, it's so...
                                         
                                        I haven't seen it in ages though.
                                         
                                        I hope it does.
                                         
                                        And I have new generations of people
                                         
                                        coming up to me because it plays on
                                         
                                        Disney Channel, I think.
                                         
                                        And they said, my kids are now watching it.
                                         
    
                                        I loved it. When I was getting now, my kids
                                         
                                        are watching this and it's like, man,
                                         
                                        that's good when it can endure.
                                         
                                        What's also fascinating that
                                         
                                        you could be Hal, and then
                                         
                                        you can be Walter White.
                                         
                                        And
                                         
                                        I know that I think one of the things that
                                         
    
                                        I always realized is
                                         
                                        there's great comedy.
                                         
                                        It's a different kind of comedy. It can be very dark.
                                         
                                        But there's really funny moments between
                                         
                                        you and Aaron Paul.
                                         
                                        There's really funny moments in your life
                                         
                                        trying to make this transformation,
                                         
                                        and go through this.
                                         
    
                                        But if you look at the
                                         
                                        work that you're doing on Malcolm in the middle
                                         
                                        and you're taking it, you're playing way up
                                         
                                        that end of the neck on the guitar.
                                         
                                        And then you look at the finale
                                         
                                        of Breaking Bad and you see where you've
                                         
                                        gone and you think it's
                                         
                                        impossible to imagine.
                                         
    
                                        It's crazy. It's a crazy
                                         
                                        range.
                                         
                                        And in this town, most
                                         
                                        people want to be able to place you
                                         
                                        as doing something.
                                         
                                        Like a comedy guy.
                                         
                                        I never get that.
                                         
                                        You never get that.
                                         
    
                                        I get he's trying really hard.
                                         
                                        And he's well intentioned.
                                         
                                        That's what I was been pigeonholed into.
                                         
                                        No, but exactly, yeah.
                                         
                                        They want to pigeon hold you in that.
                                         
                                        So I did seven years of Malcolm
                                         
                                        in the middle, and it was great.
                                         
                                        And out of that,
                                         
    
                                        I had a couple offers to do.
                                         
                                        A sweet goofy dad on a sitcom
                                         
                                        right after that. And I thought
                                         
                                        how could I do something
                                         
                                        different at this moment? It's so
                                         
                                        ingrained. I need to completely step
                                         
                                        away from that world. So easily
                                         
                                        said no to that.
                                         
    
                                        And later that year,
                                         
                                        same year,
                                         
                                        I got a notice. I said,
                                         
                                        well, you did an episode of X-Files
                                         
                                        about nine years ago
                                         
                                        before Malcolm in the middle.
                                         
                                        And the writer of that episode, Vince Gilligan
                                         
                                        would like to see you about this show
                                         
    
                                        called Breaking Bad. Do you remember him?
                                         
                                        He said, no.
                                         
                                        I don't.
                                         
                                        Hard pass.
                                         
                                        I'm not
                                         
                                        going to go audition.
                                         
                                        And I said, sure.
                                         
                                        And I read it, and it was
                                         
    
                                        just incredible. And what Vince
                                         
                                        did, and what he said
                                         
                                        he wanted to do at the outset
                                         
                                        is he wanted to change
                                         
                                        the main character
                                         
                                        throughout the course of the series,
                                         
                                        which has never been done
                                         
                                        on this series television. If you look
                                         
    
                                        at Archie Bunker
                                         
                                        or Tony Soprano
                                         
                                        or whomever,
                                         
                                        they are the same people.
                                         
                                        They react to different stimulus,
                                         
                                        but they are the same person,
                                         
                                        whereas Walter White
                                         
                                        was going to change from
                                         
    
                                        a good, honest guy
                                         
                                        to becoming a killer.
                                         
                                        As Vince Gilligan often says,
                                         
                                        he says, I just want to see
                                         
                                        if I can change a guy from
                                         
                                        chips to Scarface.
                                         
                                        They're not going to let me. I know
                                         
                                        they're just not going to let me do it, but
                                         
    
                                        we'll see what we can do.
                                         
                                        He's such a sweet, unassuming
                                         
                                        guy, Vince Gilligan.
                                         
                                        I've had the joy of
                                         
                                        hanging with him a little bit, and
                                         
                                        you would never sense that
                                         
                                        he was the creative center
                                         
                                        of, you know, the best TV
                                         
    
                                        show ever. He doesn't act that way.
                                         
                                        If I had achieved what he had achieved,
                                         
                                        I'd be wearing an admiral's hat.
                                         
                                        I'd have epaulets.
                                         
                                        I'd have epaulets.
                                         
                                        I'd be carried around
                                         
                                        in one of those chairs.
                                         
                                        I would let everyone know.
                                         
    
                                        But it's really
                                         
                                        amazing.
                                         
                                        It's funny because
                                         
                                        you probably heard this from a lot of people.
                                         
                                        I went back
                                         
                                        because my son never saw Breaking Bad.
                                         
                                        He was too young, but we started watching it together,
                                         
                                        and I went back to the beginning,
                                         
    
                                        and it's mind-blowing because
                                         
                                        I know the transition that's going to happen
                                         
                                        because I've watched every episode of the show
                                         
                                        when it was on, but now
                                         
                                        I'm starting again, and I still can't
                                         
                                        believe it's going to happen.
                                         
                                        You know what I mean? You still think,
                                         
                                        no, no, no. On some level,
                                         
    
                                        you know, I don't see how
                                         
                                        that could possibly happen,
                                         
                                        yet there's not a false note
                                         
                                        along the way.
                                         
                                        And, you know, it's that old saying
                                         
                                        that a
                                         
                                        whatever, a curve
                                         
                                        is an infinite number of straight lines.
                                         
    
                                        That it's like, no,
                                         
                                        it is possible. You just have to make sure
                                         
                                        that the changes are very subtle, and each one
                                         
                                        has to be earned. It has to be
                                         
                                        earned, and I think that's what's
                                         
                                        magical about that is everything
                                         
                                        Walter White does
                                         
                                        is earned. Yes, and that's
                                         
    
                                        the writing. It is the writing.
                                         
                                        It's, I will always
                                         
                                        say this because an actor
                                         
                                        gets inspired through great
                                         
                                        writing, and an actor
                                         
                                        can only perform
                                         
                                        so much. If an actor
                                         
                                        got B level
                                         
    
                                        material
                                         
                                        working at his or her best,
                                         
                                        I do believe I could get it
                                         
                                        up a grade level, but
                                         
                                        if I got C level material, you're getting a
                                         
                                        B out of me. That's as far
                                         
                                        as you can go.
                                         
                                        It just, it really does
                                         
    
                                        take incredible writing.
                                         
                                        If you get A level material,
                                         
                                        you treat it like the Holy
                                         
                                        Grail. It's like, oh my god,
                                         
                                        oh my god, oh my god. Just don't screw this up.
                                         
                                        You know, just, oh my god.
                                         
                                        And men breaking bad was like that.
                                         
                                        You're turning the pages and going,
                                         
    
                                        oh my god.
                                         
                                        I cannot believe
                                         
                                        he's doing this.
                                         
                                        Oh my god.
                                         
                                        And yet, it's not
                                         
                                        an aberration.
                                         
                                        It's something that was set up
                                         
                                        if you were attentive to it.
                                         
    
                                        It does track
                                         
                                        if you go back and still
                                         
                                        it's surprising to you. What's it like
                                         
                                        then these number of years later
                                         
                                        and it's hard to believe it's been
                                         
                                        how many years has it been since Breaking Bad
                                         
                                        and has it been eight years? You're looking off.
                                         
                                        You could look at me.
                                         
    
                                        Have Walter White right here
                                         
                                        and you're looking at me. Does no one know
                                         
                                        how...
                                         
                                        Ryan, wait here. I'm going to try and find out.
                                         
                                        Wait. I'll be back.
                                         
                                        Conan, I can tell you.
                                         
                                        I'll head this way.
                                         
                                        How many years has it been? I don't know.
                                         
    
                                        God! Damn you!
                                         
                                        Damn you!
                                         
                                        Oh, god.
                                         
                                        Yeah, to 1813.
                                         
                                        So that's been, it's
                                         
                                        someone do the math.
                                         
                                        Nine.
                                         
                                        Well, it depends
                                         
    
                                        on when this airs.
                                         
                                        That's true. We're holding onto this for a few years.
                                         
                                        I think people need to be ready for this interview.
                                         
                                        The way it started, they really
                                         
                                        need to be prepared.
                                         
                                        We need to clear things up. Yeah, nine years so far.
                                         
                                        But when you
                                         
                                        go back, as you've
                                         
    
                                        done, and I don't think I'm spoiling
                                         
                                        anything here,
                                         
                                        to pick up
                                         
                                        and have these
                                         
                                        moments in Better Call Saul,
                                         
                                        does it feel like you're putting on
                                         
                                        an old suit? It does. It feels like that.
                                         
                                        Yep. It's slipping.
                                         
    
                                        You know how
                                         
                                        for an actor, when you sit
                                         
                                        in the chair and you start
                                         
                                        putting on the makeup and you start looking at it,
                                         
                                        when I did the
                                         
                                        HBO movie All the Way
                                         
                                        where I played LBJ, it took three hours
                                         
                                        of prosthetic makeup
                                         
    
                                        three hours every morning.
                                         
                                        And although I used it
                                         
                                        as my
                                         
                                        preparation into getting into
                                         
                                        that headspace
                                         
                                        to play that guy, that big
                                         
                                        boisterous domineering man,
                                         
                                        and I can see the transformation
                                         
    
                                        happening when I'm looking in the mirror
                                         
                                        and they're applying all the extra
                                         
                                        nose and the ears and the things
                                         
                                        and pretty soon you start talking like this
                                         
                                        and god damn it, get out of here.
                                         
                                        Where's my soda?
                                         
                                        And start poking people
                                         
                                        and you become that guy.
                                         
    
                                        It really helped. Same thing
                                         
                                        with even putting on
                                         
                                        Walter White's
                                         
                                        desert boots and his khakis
                                         
                                        shirts, his long
                                         
                                        sleeve shirt and that
                                         
                                        very, very iconic
                                         
                                        pork pie hat of his
                                         
    
                                        and there he is and you go
                                         
                                        I know what this feels like
                                         
                                        and then you kind of, it just
                                         
                                        kind of helps you slip into that character.
                                         
                                        That's incredible.
                                         
                                        I mean, because all this
                                         
                                        time has gone by and you've done all these other
                                         
                                        things and the fact
                                         
    
                                        that you can access it, which
                                         
                                        I imagine is
                                         
                                        that's the craft.
                                         
                                        Well, I imagine, but think
                                         
                                        for a comedy tour
                                         
                                        that you did and a routine
                                         
                                        and if someone said
                                         
                                        remember this and you go
                                         
    
                                        oh yeah, yeah, yeah and remember this and remember this
                                         
                                        and then you might pick up on it and go
                                         
                                        and then I did this and I remember that
                                         
                                        and you start, it starts
                                         
                                        ticking away at your brain
                                         
                                        and your memory starts coming
                                         
                                        back and you start to be able
                                         
                                        to recite certain lines from it.
                                         
    
                                        You're going to be rusty
                                         
                                        like you are in most of your shows.
                                         
                                        You know,
                                         
                                        first of all, you're not wrong.
                                         
                                        I'm not going after you for being wrong
                                         
                                        but saying it out loud
                                         
                                        seems cruel and unusual.
                                         
                                        I wanted to ask you about that.
                                         
    
                                        You're talking about you had
                                         
                                        a live audience for
                                         
                                        many, many, many years. 28 years.
                                         
                                        28 years. Was it like
                                         
                                        when you stopped having that live audience
                                         
                                        even though it was
                                         
                                        tiring to get that going all the time?
                                         
                                        Did it feel like you fell
                                         
    
                                        off a cliff? Did it feel like
                                         
                                        you stumbled a little bit?
                                         
                                        It's funny. My
                                         
                                        honest, most sincere memory
                                         
                                        is I knew this needs
                                         
                                        to stop and
                                         
                                        I've done this a very long time.
                                         
                                        I've done this every
                                         
    
                                        which way I can think of in this specific format
                                         
                                        and I still
                                         
                                        think we're doing some good work but
                                         
                                        this is a good time
                                         
                                        to stop it. This is a good time.
                                         
                                        I'd like to
                                         
                                        decide to move out of my
                                         
                                        home and move into a condo
                                         
    
                                        before they come
                                         
                                        and take me out.
                                         
                                        But it wasn't even that. It was just this feeling of
                                         
                                        so yes,
                                         
                                        very much the only thing I missed
                                         
                                        there's a lot I didn't miss but I missed
                                         
                                        the daily interaction with writers,
                                         
                                        comedy writers
                                         
    
                                        but there are other ways to get that
                                         
                                        that I can do now. There are other ways
                                         
                                        to work with creative people
                                         
                                        without having to do a show every day
                                         
                                        for an hour.
                                         
                                        The other thing I missed
                                         
                                        was the audiences
                                         
                                        but I found
                                         
    
                                        my wife will tell you
                                         
                                        walk around with Conan
                                         
                                        and when people stop him and talk to him
                                         
                                        I do a show
                                         
                                        because I enjoy it.
                                         
                                        It's like what I like to do.
                                         
                                        I really try and
                                         
                                        make people happy.
                                         
    
                                        There's another way to do that.
                                         
                                        There are all avenues that I'm exploring
                                         
                                        where I can still get that fix
                                         
                                        for lack of a better term
                                         
                                        without being
                                         
                                        part of a machine
                                         
                                        that's doing that kind of volume business.
                                         
                                        It's funny. I didn't feel
                                         
    
                                        the day
                                         
                                        after our last show
                                         
                                        phone rang
                                         
                                        and I picked it up and it was Bob Newhart.
                                         
                                        I just wanted to congratulate you.
                                         
                                        That was a great run
                                         
                                        and you did a great job.
                                         
                                        I was
                                         
    
                                        tearing up and crying
                                         
                                        and I got off the phone
                                         
                                        and thought
                                         
                                        I'm the luckiest person in the world
                                         
                                        to get a call from Bob Newhart.
                                         
                                        It turned out later on it wasn't Bob Newhart.
                                         
                                        It was me impersonating him.
                                         
                                        It was you and it was a prank
                                         
    
                                        that you were doing on a radio show.
                                         
                                        It was really funny.
                                         
                                        I listen to it now
                                         
                                        and the Newhart isn't even that good.
                                         
                                        Bob Newhart here, see?
                                         
                                        But I'm so needy
                                         
                                        that I believe...
                                         
                                        But anyway, you have those moments where you think
                                         
    
                                        that was fantastic
                                         
                                        and it's like you say
                                         
                                        you really can't have
                                         
                                        any complaints in this business.
                                         
                                        When you brought that up
                                         
                                        it reminded me of
                                         
                                        when I first was
                                         
                                        working in television
                                         
    
                                        and I was a writer on Saturday Night Live.
                                         
                                        There was a writer strike was announced
                                         
                                        and I'm so lean
                                         
                                        and hungry, literally very lean
                                         
                                        and literally very hungry
                                         
                                        and I've got this great job
                                         
                                        and suddenly we're being told
                                         
                                        you all have to go on the picket line
                                         
    
                                        and stand up for the Writers Guild.
                                         
                                        I remember it fought my nature a little bit
                                         
                                        because I thought I don't want to look like I'm complaining
                                         
                                        because this is the greatest thing that ever happened
                                         
                                        but I also understood
                                         
                                        that this was imperative and you got to support the Writers Guild
                                         
                                        and this is...
                                         
                                        So they gave us these signs to hold
                                         
    
                                        and the logo was
                                         
                                        a
                                         
                                        graphic of a manual...
                                         
                                        like an old 1920s typewriter
                                         
                                        with a big ghostbuster slash over it
                                         
                                        like we're not going to write
                                         
                                        and I was walking around with these
                                         
                                        signs feeling really self-conscious
                                         
    
                                        because people on the picket line they knew
                                         
                                        well what does a working writer get?
                                         
                                        You guys get a lot of money, right?
                                         
                                        We do get a lot of money.
                                         
                                        So what is this all about and there were legitimate things
                                         
                                        but not that you would explain on a picket line
                                         
                                        like 24 and walking and holding this
                                         
                                        sign and then being horrified
                                         
    
                                        because someone stopped me and said
                                         
                                        wait so you guys are upset that you can't use
                                         
                                        electric typewriters?
                                         
                                        That's not fair!
                                         
                                        And I was like it's not fair!
                                         
                                        Why should I use a 1920s
                                         
                                        underwood?
                                         
                                        But I remembered feeling conflicted
                                         
    
                                        about complaining
                                         
                                        but of course these things all have to
                                         
                                        balance out. They have to balance out
                                         
                                        and there are things that need
                                         
                                        to be corrected but my attitude
                                         
                                        early on very much was
                                         
                                        I'll do this for free!
                                         
                                        I just love being a comedy writer
                                         
    
                                        and you know you're not supposed to say that
                                         
                                        out loud. So now doing the podcast
                                         
                                        you still, you know you have an audience
                                         
                                        but you don't hear them
                                         
                                        so you just have to imagine that
                                         
                                        you're connecting in with it. But you know it's nice
                                         
                                        and you've seen this
                                         
                                        Matt, I know you've seen it Sonica's
                                         
    
                                        when we walk around and Paul has seen it
                                         
                                        Paula Davis when we walk
                                         
                                        around whether it's in New York City
                                         
                                        or so
                                         
                                        many people come up
                                         
                                        and they say I listen to it, I listen to it
                                         
                                        in COVID, it helped me
                                         
                                        so I'm constantly
                                         
    
                                        getting feedback. And it's not just because
                                         
                                        you're wearing the sandwich sign
                                         
                                        right? It says please compliment me?
                                         
                                        Please talk to me.
                                         
                                        Yeah, I will pay for compliments.
                                         
                                        It is. I walk around
                                         
                                        I go to the ATM every 10 minutes
                                         
                                        and I will give people $30
                                         
    
                                        or something nice. Cause we don't even put this podcast
                                         
                                        out, we tell you. This is all
                                         
                                        for you.
                                         
                                        So these are actors that you're hiring?
                                         
                                        Yeah. Incredible. They're very
                                         
                                        good. Although I was pretty sure
                                         
                                        I recognized Johnny Depp
                                         
                                        he needed work.
                                         
    
                                        Yeah, and then we do some live ones
                                         
                                        and we do a live one
                                         
                                        they sell out, there's a lot of people there
                                         
                                        and they're very excited and they know
                                         
                                        they know me
                                         
                                        but they are like so excited to see Sona
                                         
                                        they're so excited to see Matt, they know
                                         
                                        our rhythms, they know
                                         
    
                                        the bit players, anyone
                                         
                                        who is tangentially involved in any way
                                         
                                        with the podcast and so
                                         
                                        we do get that affirmation
                                         
                                        which is really nice. This is fun. Yeah.
                                         
                                        And you travel, you travel with the show
                                         
                                        around the country a little bit? We've done some.
                                         
                                        Yeah, we've done some shows here and
                                         
    
                                        we just did two shows at the
                                         
                                        Beacon Theater
                                         
                                        City and
                                         
                                        Stephen Colbert did the first
                                         
                                        one and Tracy Morgan did the second one
                                         
                                        as surprise guest and it was
                                         
                                        just a party.
                                         
                                        Fun. With no alcohol
                                         
    
                                        or any. But is that a really a party then?
                                         
                                        And really no joy.
                                         
                                        And not one laugh.
                                         
                                        You know, kind of like a Soviet
                                         
                                        party.
                                         
                                        There's something that you mentioned
                                         
                                        Steven. I was on Steven's show when I was
                                         
                                        doing my last
                                         
    
                                        Broadway play Network. I saw that
                                         
                                        live and you saw him sat
                                         
                                        in my friend Mark's lap
                                         
                                        because he used to go out in the audience. Oh yeah.
                                         
                                        It was amazing. That wasn't part
                                         
                                        of the show. Out of context.
                                         
                                        That sounds like you sat in my
                                         
                                        friend's Mark's lap. He was
                                         
    
                                        part of the show. Prostitute in Europe.
                                         
                                        Yes.
                                         
                                        He looks great.
                                         
                                        Yeah, part of the show was
                                         
                                        that at a certain point I would come down into
                                         
                                        the audience and I would sit down among them
                                         
                                        and just have. It was fun.
                                         
                                        I went on Steven's show
                                         
    
                                        and we're talking about
                                         
                                        the differences between doing
                                         
                                        live television and doing theater
                                         
                                        and I said, it occurred to me at that moment
                                         
                                        I said, well it's interesting because
                                         
                                        what we do in theater
                                         
                                        is tell the same
                                         
                                        story to a new audience.
                                         
    
                                        You tell a new
                                         
                                        story to the same audience.
                                         
                                        So it still has its
                                         
                                        responsibilities and difficulties
                                         
                                        and challenges
                                         
                                        for us doing theater
                                         
                                        and doing hundreds of performances.
                                         
                                        How do you keep that fresh?
                                         
    
                                        How do you keep leaning in?
                                         
                                        You have to understand and accept
                                         
                                        not only is it your job and responsibility
                                         
                                        but these people who paid good
                                         
                                        money have not heard this story.
                                         
                                        So you get to break it to them
                                         
                                        and that gives you some juice to go on
                                         
                                        and you just have to kind of lean in
                                         
    
                                        and then you get into a rhythm
                                         
                                        and you flow with it. I've always
                                         
                                        thought for myself
                                         
                                        because when I look at
                                         
                                        you, anyone of your ilk
                                         
                                        who's up on a stage owning it
                                         
                                        in a Broadway theater, I always think
                                         
                                        this would be the greatest
                                         
    
                                        show business feeling in the world
                                         
                                        because
                                         
                                        in the world I've worked in
                                         
                                        and again, I've been extremely lucky
                                         
                                        but when I go to a show and I saw
                                         
                                        Hamilton for the first time
                                         
                                        and
                                         
                                        John Groff comes out
                                         
    
                                        as King George
                                         
                                        and he has a very small part
                                         
                                        but it's fantastic
                                         
                                        and he destroys
                                         
                                        and I remember telling him
                                         
                                        I went backstage and I'm
                                         
                                        talking to
                                         
                                        Lin-Manuel Miranda and I'm talking to the different people
                                         
    
                                        and just telling them how much I love the show
                                         
                                        and I told
                                         
                                        John Groff, I was just saying
                                         
                                        I'm so envious of you
                                         
                                        because I would love it if there was
                                         
                                        a time apart from me on Broadway
                                         
                                        where I get to come out
                                         
                                        maybe 25 minutes into the show
                                         
    
                                        kill, absolutely kill
                                         
                                        and then go backstage and eat a giant sandwich
                                         
                                        and people are like
                                         
                                        Conan was great
                                         
                                        but it's surprising he's only on stage
                                         
                                        for six minutes halfway through
                                         
                                        but I would make such a
                                         
                                        and I'd be a total over-the-top ham
                                         
    
                                        and I thought what a joy that would be
                                         
                                        and
                                         
                                        what an incredibly privileged selfish thing
                                         
                                        to ask for
                                         
                                        could someone out there please write that
                                         
                                        they're still doing Hamilton, why don't you audition
                                         
                                        for that role
                                         
                                        audition?
                                         
    
                                        did you say audition?
                                         
                                        I don't audition
                                         
                                        come on talk show host
                                         
                                        of course we can just become theater actors overnight
                                         
                                        yeah
                                         
                                        I think one of those crazy stunt
                                         
                                        castings but yeah
                                         
                                        and I wanted to talk to you about
                                         
    
                                        I was able
                                         
                                        through my connections in the biz
                                         
                                        uh
                                         
                                        I don't know what biz actually
                                         
                                        oh it's biz
                                         
                                        no it's an accounting firm
                                         
                                        I got to watch
                                         
                                        the uh
                                         
    
                                        opening because I watched the first season
                                         
                                        of your honor and
                                         
                                        I do love it and then I got to watch
                                         
                                        the opening show of the second season
                                         
                                        which was made available to me
                                         
                                        how is that possible
                                         
                                        you got it for me
                                         
                                        really?
                                         
    
                                        and it's terribly edited
                                         
                                        they really rushed it
                                         
                                        he needs it now
                                         
                                        but that opening scene
                                         
                                        where you're and I don't want to give anything away
                                         
                                        because it hasn't come out yet but
                                         
                                        what your character has gone through
                                         
                                        that is a
                                         
    
                                        memorable scene that the second season opens
                                         
                                        so you're saying something that I can't even comment
                                         
                                        you can't even comment I'm just saying
                                         
                                        but I understand what you mean
                                         
                                        people out there is you need to
                                         
                                        catch up on your
                                         
                                        honor if you haven't and then this
                                         
                                        first episode I thought
                                         
    
                                        which is coming out soon
                                         
                                        was riveting and it's the same
                                         
                                        thing where
                                         
                                        it is a little bit evocative of
                                         
                                        stuff you've done before where you're starting out
                                         
                                        in one place and then
                                         
                                        we're seeing your character get
                                         
                                        pulled like a piece of
                                         
    
                                        metal to the point where it's a wire
                                         
                                        and it's quivering and you think
                                         
                                        is this going to break at any moment
                                         
                                        it's a very descriptive
                                         
                                        way of putting it I like that
                                         
                                        I was a metallurgist for a while
                                         
                                        I guess
                                         
                                        they'll tell you, Matt'll tell you
                                         
    
                                        all my
                                         
                                        whenever I make any kind of illusion
                                         
                                        at all it's usually two it's like when you take
                                         
                                        copper and you pound it
                                         
                                        and then you apply
                                         
                                        some cold water
                                         
                                        he only knows metal analogies
                                         
                                        and it acts as a conduit too
                                         
    
                                        and then you can access other
                                         
                                        it's a little like brass
                                         
                                        yeah
                                         
                                        it's insufferable
                                         
                                        yeah it's terrible I apologize
                                         
                                        but kids study metallurgy
                                         
                                        and then you can get into comedy
                                         
                                        you are the vertigray of my
                                         
    
                                        yeah it's fun
                                         
                                        the people at Showtime are
                                         
                                        just enormously supportive
                                         
                                        and they gave us the tools and the time
                                         
                                        to be able to create the second season
                                         
                                        of Your Honor
                                         
                                        the way frankly I wanted to do it
                                         
                                        yeah it's great too
                                         
    
                                        because my favorite shows
                                         
                                        are the ones where
                                         
                                        it's not always clear
                                         
                                        who I should be rooting for
                                         
                                        because there's
                                         
                                        it's a way that TV has
                                         
                                        I think improved so much since the TV
                                         
                                        you know when we were growing up
                                         
    
                                        television was good guy
                                         
                                        yeah oh the bad guys are coming
                                         
                                        it's getting tense
                                         
                                        good guy wins
                                         
                                        credits
                                         
                                        and I think
                                         
                                        obviously we've evolved
                                         
                                        to this place
                                         
    
                                        where people that
                                         
                                        I understand their motivations
                                         
                                        I like them
                                         
                                        but I'm also horrified by what they're doing
                                         
                                        I'm not sure I agree with all these choices
                                         
                                        but I understand why they're making them
                                         
                                        and I think
                                         
                                        we've come a long way since happy days
                                         
    
                                        but the old formula was
                                         
                                        nothing can ever change
                                         
                                        the fawns is always the fawns
                                         
                                        Richie is always Richie
                                         
                                        and this is how it is
                                         
                                        and that's the way
                                         
                                        people find comfort in that
                                         
                                        and there are still procedures that people do
                                         
    
                                        find very comfortable
                                         
                                        they are presented with a problem
                                         
                                        that our hero is going to solve by the end of the episode
                                         
                                        and they do
                                         
                                        I don't particularly find that
                                         
                                        very entertaining
                                         
                                        it's so kind of black and white
                                         
                                        and
                                         
    
                                        but it's the serialized shows
                                         
                                        that go deep into it
                                         
                                        and I think younger generation
                                         
                                        the generation now
                                         
                                        that is coming up
                                         
                                        from college or whatever
                                         
                                        they're far more sophisticated
                                         
                                        and they demand more
                                         
    
                                        in their entertainment
                                         
                                        and you cannot serve them
                                         
                                        the same old dish that they had before
                                         
                                        they won't take it
                                         
                                        you have to rise
                                         
                                        to their level
                                         
                                        of expectations and we were fed
                                         
                                        pablum in those days
                                         
    
                                        it's like
                                         
                                        this is what you have
                                         
                                        it's Hawaii 5.0
                                         
                                        it's that driving music and it's like
                                         
                                        something exciting is going to happen
                                         
                                        and then it doesn't and it's like oh
                                         
                                        well the other thing is
                                         
                                        I sound like a guy describing the Great Depression
                                         
    
                                        but
                                         
                                        by no stretch of the imagination
                                         
                                        there was a difficult childhood
                                         
                                        but there were three networks
                                         
                                        and so there was very little competition
                                         
                                        they were all pretty much making the same stuff
                                         
                                        and the third place network
                                         
                                        was making a fortune
                                         
    
                                        there was no such thing as losing money
                                         
                                        because they were the only games
                                         
                                        there's ABC, there's CBS, there's NBC
                                         
                                        and then it's quite a while later
                                         
                                        that Fox shows up but when these
                                         
                                        that was it
                                         
                                        and so you often watched things because
                                         
                                        the reception was pretty good
                                         
    
                                        oh I'm getting this channel in
                                         
                                        it's pretty, what are you watching?
                                         
                                        it's a Catholic Mass
                                         
                                        you sure you don't want to
                                         
                                        no it looks good though
                                         
                                        they're doing the communion ceremony
                                         
                                        so let's check it out but the things that we would watch
                                         
                                        just because it came in
                                         
    
                                        and I take shit for this sometimes
                                         
                                        because I go after the show
                                         
                                        Chips but when I watch one of those now
                                         
                                        and I'm looking at all the
                                         
                                        logical flaws
                                         
                                        I did an episode of that
                                         
                                        of course I did
                                         
                                        who were you and what did you do
                                         
    
                                        that needed the intervention
                                         
                                        of some motorcycle cops
                                         
                                        I was
                                         
                                        a newlywed
                                         
                                        and they don't give me much time
                                         
                                        to create a character
                                         
                                        what are you talking about
                                         
                                        you were a guy on Hanglider
                                         
    
                                        they said
                                         
                                        this newlywed southern couple
                                         
                                        and so I was talking like this
                                         
                                        I mean babe
                                         
                                        come on
                                         
                                        let's drive fast
                                         
                                        I've got to see this episode
                                         
                                        and my
                                         
    
                                        so here's the scandal
                                         
                                        is that the woman who played my
                                         
                                        betrothed was a woman
                                         
                                        Kathy Shower and I believe she was
                                         
                                        like a playboy
                                         
                                        playmate or a penthouse pet
                                         
                                        or something like that
                                         
                                        and boy Eric Estrada was on her
                                         
    
                                        immediately
                                         
                                        and it's like I rarely saw her
                                         
                                        it was like they were off
                                         
                                        it was like
                                         
                                        Mr. Estrada we're ready
                                         
                                        in a minute
                                         
                                        in a minute
                                         
                                        oh god bless
                                         
    
                                        the late 70s and early 80s
                                         
                                        what a wonderful time
                                         
                                        I just I don't mean
                                         
                                        to imply that
                                         
                                        and impugn her integrity
                                         
                                        no no they were going over lines
                                         
                                        that's hilarious
                                         
                                        but I often use that as an example of
                                         
    
                                        that's TV where there's not much
                                         
                                        competition that's how it always felt
                                         
                                        to me meaning what's happening
                                         
                                        this week well there's some jewel
                                         
                                        thieves and they operate on the highway
                                         
                                        why would they
                                         
                                        don't ask
                                         
                                        and then the guys
                                         
    
                                        rather than the FBI getting involved
                                         
                                        because this is interstate commerce crime
                                         
                                        we're going to ask these two motorcycle
                                         
                                        highway patrolmen
                                         
                                        to crack this ring
                                         
                                        it's proximity
                                         
                                        and so then the next week
                                         
                                        they crack that and then it always ends
                                         
    
                                        with the beginning of the show
                                         
                                        because I ranted about this with Bill Burr
                                         
                                        on the podcast once so I know I'm repeating myself
                                         
                                        but I have to do this because you're here
                                         
                                        it always starts with
                                         
                                        there's a disco dance competition
                                         
                                        in the policemen's union
                                         
                                        punch you're going to enter
                                         
    
                                        guys I got you
                                         
                                        now you shouldn't do it punch
                                         
                                        for the meeting there's some jewel thieves
                                         
                                        on the highway punch John get on it
                                         
                                        they do that and then at the end of the episode
                                         
                                        they're slapping the cuffs I can't believe you
                                         
                                        caught us hate punch you better
                                         
                                        get going you're right
                                         
    
                                        well you can't tell by the way I use my
                                         
                                        welcome a woman and punch dancing
                                         
                                        and everyone's like yeah
                                         
                                        freeze frame right
                                         
                                        and then next week it's
                                         
                                        there's going to be a hang gliding competition
                                         
                                        with a bunch of bikini clad girls
                                         
                                        but first
                                         
    
                                        someone's stealing Renoir's
                                         
                                        on the highway
                                         
                                        but
                                         
                                        Bill gets mad he's like I love that show
                                         
                                        and I'm like no Bill hey you think that's tough
                                         
                                        I met my now wife
                                         
                                        35 years ago
                                         
                                        doing an episode of
                                         
    
                                        Airwolf
                                         
                                        Airwolf
                                         
                                        Jan Michael Vincent
                                         
                                        Ernest Borgman
                                         
                                        and the helicopter
                                         
                                        the airwolf so you're too young
                                         
                                        to know but I bet
                                         
                                        there was this series
                                         
    
                                        on CBS that every week
                                         
                                        it had to involve
                                         
                                        a helicopter
                                         
                                        every single
                                         
                                        climax had to deal with a helicopter
                                         
                                        can you imagine like
                                         
                                        third season 17th show
                                         
                                        the helicopter goes
                                         
    
                                        under the bridge now did that first season
                                         
                                        17th helicopter
                                         
                                        goes through a drive-thru
                                         
                                        goes through a drive-thru
                                         
                                        car wash
                                         
                                        second season third
                                         
                                        how do you do that
                                         
                                        there can be no
                                         
    
                                        undercover work or anything happening
                                         
                                        in a interior space
                                         
                                        that's not going to work
                                         
                                        and I think by the later seasons
                                         
                                        it would be a knock at the door and they'd open the door
                                         
                                        and the helicopter would be there with a mustache
                                         
                                        on
                                         
                                        trying to go incognito
                                         
    
                                        and no one recognizes that
                                         
                                        I am not helicopter
                                         
                                        I am boat
                                         
                                        blade I am boat
                                         
                                        not airship
                                         
                                        but seaship
                                         
                                        he speaks funny I don't know if I trust
                                         
                                        ignore these blades
                                         
    
                                        and powerful turbines
                                         
                                        yeah that just kills you
                                         
                                        but man I have to say I got to do
                                         
                                        a little work once
                                         
                                        with Ernest Borgman in another life
                                         
                                        and I was
                                         
                                        outside my body the whole time
                                         
                                        because it was Ernest Borgnein
                                         
    
                                        I mean this man has an Oscar
                                         
                                        but he also he's in everything
                                         
                                        he's in bad day at Black Rock
                                         
                                        with Spencer Tracy
                                         
                                        I mean he's
                                         
                                        and he was a lovely guy
                                         
                                        lovely guy
                                         
                                        and I always
                                         
    
                                        when I see people that come
                                         
                                        from generations
                                         
                                        before me which is less and less frequent
                                         
                                        as I get into my dotage
                                         
                                        but
                                         
                                        I'm always amazed
                                         
                                        I'm so happy
                                         
                                        to see
                                         
    
                                        these old troopers
                                         
                                        that are out there
                                         
                                        he was great on the show
                                         
                                        Jan was a troubled guy
                                         
                                        he had a lot of demons
                                         
                                        he was always late
                                         
                                        and we did
                                         
                                        what's called a poor man's process
                                         
    
                                        with a helicopter so we'd actually be
                                         
                                        on the ground
                                         
                                        there would be grips
                                         
                                        who would be actually just
                                         
                                        shaking the helicopter
                                         
                                        and the cameras would be on the ground
                                         
                                        looking up and all you see is sky
                                         
                                        above us through the top
                                         
    
                                        and we were taught
                                         
                                        we had the headphones on
                                         
                                        and things and we're looking down
                                         
                                        looking down at what the city would be
                                         
                                        and it's just shaking
                                         
                                        and Jan who had insisted
                                         
                                        on these dark dark dark glasses
                                         
                                        and he would sit there
                                         
    
                                        trying to keep his hand on the throttle
                                         
                                        and the steering
                                         
                                        portion and then he would
                                         
                                        reach up and he'd flick a switch
                                         
                                        up on the ceiling
                                         
                                        all the while his eyes are closed
                                         
                                        he is napping
                                         
                                        they painted eyeballs
                                         
    
                                        on his glasses
                                         
                                        and we got that again cut
                                         
                                        and then Jan would
                                         
                                        just go back to sleep
                                         
                                        and then part of the thing was
                                         
                                        a roll camera and the first
                                         
                                        he would do a shaking sign
                                         
                                        to me and I go Jan
                                         
    
                                        Jan yeah it was
                                         
                                        really sad he had it all
                                         
                                        and he just didn't know how to handle it
                                         
                                        and I think this goes back to what you were saying
                                         
                                        at the beginning is that
                                         
                                        you got to get your life in order
                                         
                                        and don't think that what you're experiencing
                                         
                                        now if you have good fortune
                                         
    
                                        that you could do anything
                                         
                                        that you're entitled to do anything
                                         
                                        you're still a human being
                                         
                                        you still have to function
                                         
                                        and the problems ensue
                                         
                                        if you don't follow that
                                         
                                        well that's just good a place
                                         
                                        sorry to bring everybody down
                                         
    
                                        no I thought that was really nice
                                         
                                        I think that's great
                                         
                                        I think you should take note
                                         
                                        well
                                         
                                        took a shot
                                         
                                        didn't quite hear what you said
                                         
                                        I saw your lips moving and it was something about
                                         
                                        being kind
                                         
    
                                        doing the work
                                         
                                        but I didn't really get it
                                         
                                        so golly would you edit this thing together
                                         
                                        so it makes some fucking sense
                                         
                                        I got to go buy a lot of cocaine
                                         
                                        in your helicopter
                                         
                                        in my helicopter
                                         
                                        be great at that
                                         
    
                                        I would love so much
                                         
                                        I would love so much if we had this great
                                         
                                        talk and then we all broke and you were like
                                         
                                        see you Conan and I walk outside our little place
                                         
                                        and I got into the helicopter
                                         
                                        you're like oh
                                         
                                        what a great grounded Conan
                                         
                                        Brian
                                         
    
                                        such a delight to talk to you
                                         
                                        and I always come away
                                         
                                        invigorated, refreshed, inspired
                                         
                                        I'm proud to know you
                                         
                                        thank you my friend
                                         
                                        I appreciate it
                                         
                                        please come back anytime
                                         
                                        tomorrow if you can do it
                                         
    
                                        tomorrow I can't do it tomorrow
                                         
                                        I actually looked into your schedule
                                         
                                        I can do it tomorrow
                                         
                                        I cancelled that podiatrist thing
                                         
                                        apparently your feet are a mess
                                         
                                        I'm a beneficiary
                                         
                                        last week we tried
                                         
                                        out the jup clone for men
                                         
    
                                        because Tracy Morgan had mentioned
                                         
                                        it in his live episode at the Beacon Theater
                                         
                                        yes we had our thoughts
                                         
                                        and it ended with you going home
                                         
                                        smelling like a bucket of jup
                                         
                                        to see what kind of reaction you were going to get
                                         
                                        yes we wanted to test
                                         
                                        see what my wife's reaction would be
                                         
    
                                        without me saying anything.
                                         
                                        So this happened last week,
                                         
                                        drove home from the podcast studio to make sure,
                                         
                                        cause I had some jup on me that we applied
                                         
                                        during the podcast to make sure I got out of my car
                                         
                                        in the garage and I sprayed underneath
                                         
                                        the right part of my throat and the left part
                                         
                                        of my throat and then rubbed it in
                                         
    
                                        cause I wanted it to be powerful.
                                         
                                        Dupre, dupre.
                                         
                                        Exactly.
                                         
                                        So I walk in, I go into the kitchen, my wife's there
                                         
                                        and the first thing I wanted to do was give her a big hug
                                         
                                        so that she would really smell it.
                                         
                                        So at first I think she was concerned
                                         
                                        cause I was coming in for this big hug
                                         
    
                                        and we haven't hugged since I think 2006.
                                         
                                        That was yes, according to the lawyers, it's 2006
                                         
                                        but so I go in for this hug
                                         
                                        and I think she's a little bit like, huh, okay, all right.
                                         
                                        I'm getting a big hug from Conan, this is nice.
                                         
                                        And then I intentionally made sure that,
                                         
                                        cause I'm taller than her, she's quite tall
                                         
                                        but I'm taller than her
                                         
    
                                        so that her nose is right up against.
                                         
                                        And she went, oh.
                                         
                                        And she stepped back and she went, you're wearing a cologne.
                                         
                                        And she's being very diplomatic
                                         
                                        because what if, I think her initial thought was
                                         
                                        my husband is now a guy that wears cologne
                                         
                                        and this is what he's chosen.
                                         
                                        Conan.
                                         
    
                                        Yeah, and.
                                         
                                        How do I get out of this?
                                         
                                        This is who you are now, you're a cologne guy.
                                         
                                        I'm cologne Conan.
                                         
                                        And so she said, oh, and she was,
                                         
                                        so she didn't have like, oh my God, what the, you know,
                                         
                                        she just said, oh, a cologne.
                                         
                                        I said, yes, do you like it?
                                         
    
                                        And she was like, yeah.
                                         
                                        And she's being very diplomatic.
                                         
                                        Oh, how nice.
                                         
                                        And she's being sweet cause this is, you know,
                                         
                                        Liza's very nice and she's very sweet
                                         
                                        and then I started to explain the backstory.
                                         
                                        And she said, okay, cause it's really strong.
                                         
                                        And I said, yeah.
                                         
    
                                        So then I start walking around and talking
                                         
                                        and then like my son comes home and he's like, whoa,
                                         
                                        what's happening in here?
                                         
                                        And I realized, okay, I should,
                                         
                                        I'm gonna try and tone this down a little bit.
                                         
                                        So I got some soap and water and was like washing my throat
                                         
                                        and my underneath my jaw.
                                         
                                        And walking around, nope.
                                         
    
                                        That jupe was there to stay.
                                         
                                        It was the equivalent of getting a tattoo.
                                         
                                        And so then what I didn't realize is that night,
                                         
                                        sometimes when I fall asleep, I roll over onto my stomach.
                                         
                                        So I ground jupe into my pillow and my mattress.
                                         
                                        And then three days later,
                                         
                                        I'm still smelling jupe on our sheets.
                                         
                                        And I think they've been washed.
                                         
    
                                        So jupe is not something that you,
                                         
                                        it's not a decision you can take lightly.
                                         
                                        My jupe was with me for maybe six to seven days.
                                         
                                        Did it feel like you were in bed with Tracy Morgan?
                                         
                                        It did.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        And you probably, you enjoyed that.
                                         
                                        I had a very erotic adventure with my pillow.
                                         
    
                                        Let's just put it that way.
                                         
                                        What?
                                         
                                        Speaking of Tracy Morgan.
                                         
                                        And then later on, you see me at a restaurant
                                         
                                        opening a bottle of wine and it's me with my pillow.
                                         
                                        The pillow is sitting opposite me.
                                         
                                        And I'm going like,
                                         
                                        Can you leave Liza for your pillow?
                                         
    
                                        Liza has me followed by a private detective.
                                         
                                        And he goes, I got bad news for you.
                                         
                                        He's seeing some sled on the side.
                                         
                                        And then she sees pictures of me with my pillow.
                                         
                                        She's like, oh, that's the phone memory pillow.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        That's who he is.
                                         
                                        He's like, what's up in?
                                         
    
                                        I take it to dinner.
                                         
                                        A guy comes by with a violin and he's playing
                                         
                                        while we're, I'm ordering the best champagne.
                                         
                                        Move it into an apartment in the city.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        That's right.
                                         
                                        I got you all set up in your own special place.
                                         
                                        With an allowance.
                                         
    
                                        Now, when I brought that jupe in last week,
                                         
                                        I left only to find that Tracy Morgan,
                                         
                                        that day, a package arrived from him.
                                         
                                        Yes.
                                         
                                        This was a great.
                                         
                                        I went home with the jupe, which sounds.
                                         
                                        It does sound like I, the clown came home with the clown.
                                         
                                        I went to this house of ill repute
                                         
    
                                        and I came home with the jupe.
                                         
                                        That guy, that guy's lousy with the jupe.
                                         
                                        Doc, doc, you gotta help me.
                                         
                                        I got the jupe.
                                         
                                        So, yeah, Tracy sent me a bottle of jupe
                                         
                                        and a handwritten note.
                                         
                                        Really lovely.
                                         
                                        So you have jupe now at home and in the office.
                                         
    
                                        Yeah, I've got my home jupe and I got my work jupe.
                                         
                                        Jupe'd up.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        You're jupe'd up for days.
                                         
                                        Yeah.
                                         
                                        Oh, I'm all set for jupe.
                                         
                                        Although Tracy says to really do this properly,
                                         
                                        you've got to use half a bottle with each application.
                                         
    
                                        Oh my God.
                                         
                                        So I'm really good for four days when you think about it.
                                         
                                        Oh, you're four years.
                                         
                                        Whoa.
                                         
                                        All right.
                                         
                                        Well, anyway, again, our thanks to Tracy Morgan
                                         
                                        for showing me this side of life.
                                         
                                        I didn't know.
                                         
    
                                        I think maybe I am a cologne guy now.
                                         
                                        And if anyone asks, my cologne is jupe.
                                         
                                        Why?
                                         
                                        Because you can put it on once and it's there for life.
                                         
                                        Conan O'Brien needs a friend.
                                         
                                        With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely.
                                         
                                        Produced by me, Matt Gorely.
                                         
                                        Executive produced by Adam Saks, Joanna Solotarov,
                                         
    
                                        and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody
                                         
                                        Fisher at Year Wolf.
                                         
                                        Theme song by the White Stripes.
                                         
                                        Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
                                         
                                        Take it away, Jimmy.
                                         
                                        Supervising producer, Aaron Blair.
                                         
                                        Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples.
                                         
                                        Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
                                         
    
                                        Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
                                         
                                        Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Patista, and Britt Kahn.
                                         
                                        This episode was mixed and edited by me, Brett Morris.
                                         
                                        You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts,
                                         
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