Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Chris Redd

Episode Date: January 3, 2022

Comedian Chris Redd feels lucky as a motherf*cker to be Conan O’Brien’s friend. Chris sits down with Conan to talk about escaping his hometown, how rap trained him for stand-up comedy, getting iced out by Kanye, and never forgetting what it's like to struggle. Plus, Conan and his team respond to a listener voicemail about Conan’s Miracle Voice. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, what's up, my name is Chris Red, and I feel lucky as a motherfucker about being Conan O'Brahams friend. Listen to me, there'll be no swearing on this show. No swearing? This show is for children. By children. I started swearing at four years old at Barney, and it was like clean up, I was like, fuck you, look.

Hey, Conan O'Brien here, welcome to another episode of Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I'd like to point out again that I am in New York City recording studio, and my team, my posse if you will, Sonomo Sessi and Matt Gorley are comfortably in their homes. Comfortably. Well, you've seen, yeah, you're both wrapped in, looks like caftans, and Gorley is wearing one of those blankets that's also kind of a shirt, what is it called? A slanket? A snuggie.

Oh, yeah. A snuggie. Yeah. Yeah. You look very happy. I'm here, if you notice any edge to my voice again, it's because I'm infused with a certain urban grit that comes from fighting your way through the concrete jungle in order to podcast. I'm here, and I almost feel feral because I've been prowling around Manhattan, living

by my wits. Yeah, I can see that you are wearing your topless with just a leather vest on. That's impressive. I was cruising. It's called cruising. Oh. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, I was told. How did that go? I was told that people cruise in, that's the cool thing to do, go cruising sort of in Times Square, and I didn't realize it was, that's from like 50 years ago. Yeah. So I made the mistake of putting on a very, I'm not wearing much, and what I am wearing is leather, and I went cruising around what I thought was a seedy, sort of skeevy Times Square turned out to be absolutely like Disney, like Disneyland.

It's changed completely. People seemed very upset about what I was doing, and it's, I guess, I was more out of place than I thought I would be. But I met a guy dressed as Spider-Man, and I met a guy dressed as Batman. Both of them had fanny packs, and I took pictures with both of them. Okay. Yeah, and then I gave them each $10. Okay.

That is my version of cruising, is just getting my picture taken with different DC and Marvel heroes, and then giving him $10. So gritty. Wow, you're so hard, Conan. I am. You bet I am. Did you say you walked to the studio today, or did you take the car we got for you? Well, yeah, pretty gritty.

I took a very gritty, Chevy Suburban, black Chevy Suburban, by my own wits, and through my own grit and kind of just fight-or-flight mechanism, I managed to get into the backseat and put on my seatbelt and sit pretty quietly while the car drove about five blocks. Oh, you're so cool. Oh my God. How'd you survive? Yeah. Well, I didn't have a cold, but it turns out there is a temperature control just for the

backseat, and I was able to operate that. Yeah, cool. Yeah, because the driver wanted it to be 71. I prefer 68, so I was able to adjust it, and then I cracked the window a little bit. I was worried there wouldn't be mints, but there was a choice between Lifesaver, Wintergreen, and Tic-Tac, little Tic-Tacs, and so I went with the Tic-Tacs. Man, you ought to write a memoir. This is a life I can't understand.

Your story about being out in the streets, it's inspirational. I just hope that my children have a better experience than I've had. I hope they never have to face what I face today, getting to this podcast studio down near Bryant Park in what appears to be a very lovely Manhattan. I'm excited about our show today. My guest today is a cast member on Saturday Night Live and stars in the NBC series Keenan. I'm thrilled he's with us today. Chris Red, welcome.

You're the like 35th guest in a row to say, motherfucking proud to be Conor O'Brien's friend. Oh, that's tight. Yeah, John Lithgow said it. We couldn't get him to stop swearing. Really? Oh my God, he's such a filthy guy. But I'm just so happy for your success because I met you. I think it's back in 2017.

Yeah, so poor. I was poor and just telling jokes on a roof. And what happened was we, I was doing a week of shows at Comic-Con because we used to go there every summer and we were looking for two really funny guys who could help us out and do sort of 24, it was almost like 24 hour coverage on the roof. And so JP Buck, he found you and he found a guy named Moses Storm and you guys were both on the roof being really funny all day into the night. And I would rush up occasionally and join in and I would go up there and be like, this

roof is really, it's in San Diego in the summer. Oh man, it was the hottest thing I had ever experienced outside of work, just working outside for minimum wage. And it was, but it was so tight because I mean, it was me and Moses Storm who we could talk shit anywhere. And so it was like the kind of the perfect person to do that with. But I had been in LA then, like I haven't been going back and forth for like two years and every person I had watched coming up disappointed me when I met him.

So like for you to be so cool and come up and I was like, oh, we're in a roof. He's never up here. And then you came up up there. We're like, oh my fucking God, he's here. Yo, he's here doing, we're doing bits. Oh shit. He's too rich to do it. I wouldn't do that if I was him.

Yeah. No. Well, I invested poorly. I lost all my money. Oh man. I'll at least tell you don't, it's theme restaurants are what killed me. Really? Yeah.

I have a truck restaurant coming up. Don't do it. It's called pick me up. Pick me up. You pick up, pick me up. It's a... I'm telling you, Chris, so I would, but I met you up on this roof and you were really funny and you were terrific.

And then shortly after that, I hear, hey, did you hear the news, Chris got signed alive. And you clicked right away. You started killing it. You're so funny on the show. Thanks man. And so I was very, I've just been delighted for you, seriously, you know, so happy for you. That means a lot man, because you know, I saw your picture on the walks, also for people

who have not been in SNL writers room on the ninth floor in 30 Rock, there's like pictures of all the writers whose soul they took. Well, to be fair, a soul they bought. Yeah, 100%. We all sold our souls. That's exactly right. Yes. $600.

I have no regrets. And a blood oath. But it's just really, really cool to have you say that man, because your opinion means a lot. And y'all were my family, you know what I'm saying, and you still are. And it was like y'all and Will and Grace, Will and Grace that came back and I had just like got a recurring role on that. And I was like working with y'all all the time and then when I got that, I didn't believe

it at first. And then I didn't know if I was going to keep it because I was still on like disjointed at the time. And so I didn't know if I could do both the shows. And so there was a whole like argument for like two weeks. My first two weeks of SNL was like, I don't know if I'm going to be here the whole time. It's not funny how you go from, it's a very common thing. You plug away at it for a long time and there's no opportunity.

And then suddenly there are three shows that want you and there's a fight over where you're going to go. Yeah. And it's just as you get turned out live. And you're thinking, I might not be able to do this because these other two shows want me to do stuff. Yeah. And it's really weird.

It's like an embarrassment of riches in that way. But I was like, I love those problems more than searching around for a gig. Because I mean, hell marrying your self-tapes from Chicago to Hollywood was a hell, man. Like everybody in Chicago has to do it, especially if you're on the come up and you can't like afford to fly all the time. Like you're just in the musty basements just trying to like do these characters and hope that somebody on their lunch break will see your tape. So describe the process.

You're making a tape, you're doing your characters, you're doing your comedy, probably showing your stand up and then you're mailing it. So you're like, well, you're emailing it. Oh, you're mailing it. But I also like to mail mine. I put some weed in there. But it's like... You know, it's very hard to put weed into an email.

Yeah, it really is. I've tried. It really is. And until they have that technology, what are we really doing? Well, you can do a weed NFT, but you can't smoke that. But what made it bad is like you want a reader and you're in Chicago, so you're in a city where people have real jobs and so only people who are available to read for you are other actors who are up for the same role.

And so they're just like reading, but like a little less energy than you really want them to be. And kind of trying to screw you over. Yeah, yeah. But hey, man. Can you just read it normally? I'm reading it normally. Yeah.

Oh, you're saying you're lying? Oh, sorry. Oh man, that was a really good take. Too bad I took a shit of myself. You know, what I didn't know about you, and this is something we have in common, is we both started out in rap. Yeah. Oh, really?

Oh, yeah. Did you start out in rap? I didn't hear your mixtape, man. Yeah, yeah. I had... You know, mine was old school, you know, it was I'm Conan O'Brien and I'm here to say real white guy rap of the mid-80s, but that's how I broke through. I knew that was my way.

I really liked your joint, Too Big for Small Talk, like I love that song so much. It's just one line, and the beat just carries it for 15 minutes. Once I saw Jump Around, I knew that white Irish guys in Boston were supposed to rap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's how I got into it. I love that. And it kept me out of trouble. I love that.

I really want you to finish the departed themed album you're doing. I, yeah, that's a side project I haven't told many people about, but I didn't think there was enough, you know, rapping in most... By white guys, my age in most movies, so I've been working hard on that. Man, I'm just glad to see you on your shit, man, just really stretching yourself out. You know what I mean? I want justice. I want justice.

I'm sick of people assuming I can't rap because of the color of my skin. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because they definitely do that. This is bullshit. No, I didn't know that you, like, when you were a kid and you were growing up in Missouri, is that right? I moved around a lot, but I was growing... I grew up in Winterson High School, middle school in Chicago, Chicago suburbs. In Naperville, right?

Yeah, in Naperville. That's where Bob Odenkirk's from, Naperville. Yeah, I think Bob Odenkirk is the only good thing to come out of Naperville, but besides the cocaine and heroin. Well, now there's you too, so that's great. Yeah, but I don't like the city at all because they were racist to me. Is that true? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had a terrible time in Naperville. I mean, not every day, of course, you know, you can live in hell and every so often, you're like, you know what? It's not cold. You know what I mean? Right. But I don't like the city at all. They got some issues, but...

How did that, I mean, manifest itself? How did that, everybody gave you a hard time because of your race? Well, yeah, it's that and then also, like, I have a big family that we're all from Mississippi, from Mississippi. I put that in quotations, guys, because nobody's from Mississippi for real. Right. And... What?

What do you mean? Exactly. Isn't that where all civilization began? Come on, now. You know what? I was talking to somebody that was like, I was in Mississippi, I don't know where I was at, but I was like, wow, what privilege that is to be in Mississippi and not know where you were at.

Right, right. I mean, no one in my family could ever say that shit ever in their lives because we're black in Mississippi, you got to know where you're at at all times. I've never been down there and like, I don't know where this is, but it's lovely. Yeah. I'm just floating around, drifting through Mississippi. Just drifting through. But it was like, I found myself caught in the middle sometimes because my family was

in the city, they was on the west side and the south side of Chicago, and then we moved up to the suburbs. So I was like, too suburb to be hanging out with my cousins, they were like, you're not hard enough to kick it with us, but I was always out there trying to kick it with them, but then I would go to school and it was like, well, you're not wide enough to be kicking it with us. So then I was kind of stuck in the middle and just kind of feeling bad, I was feeling bad about my parents doing well, and then on top of that, they didn't really like care

for the rapping shit too much, but I just pushed through anyway. So all that kind of manifests into who I am now. And you got, you know, I have this theory, I'm serious about this, which is that I think sometimes if you grow up and you don't quite know what your identity is, it actually helps you. 100%. My drive was finding who I was. And then when I was rapping, and I'm still, I still rap, but like when I was rapping and

trying to build a career out of it, I was, that was my identity was I rap and I'm trying to find myself in that. And I think because you're like always insecure about it and like trying to figure it out, you're trying shit. So you like, I was trying stuff all the time, like I didn't have money, but like I would take my dad's old shirts, mix it with some, with some jeans and try to come up with a new style. I'm like, yo, so I looked ridiculous.

I had like, like business blazers up top, but like, who is shit at the bottom? So I was like, I was trying to match. I was like, see I'm from the Burbs and the streets, son, you can see it in my clothes. And I just looked like two, two incomplete motherfuckers on one person. So when you're sitting down, you're working for IBM, but when you stand up, I'm an A and R for debtor. Constantly tricking people. Oh, this is a business meeting.

I'm sorry. Oh, Jesus Christ. And it was, it was, it was wild. But it was like, but when I look back now that I do comedy, because I wasn't doing comedy back then, like I was in the comedy and studying it, but only because I had like social anxiety. And so I was like, oh, if I'm funny around people, that's kind of like my way in to get comfortable. And then I can just like actually just relax.

Tell me if I'm wrong, but if you're rapping, that's getting you on your feet and using your verbal skills. And also there's a big, because people love to hear me analyze rap, trust me, that's a huge part of this podcast. But there's energy, swagger, you can take on different personas in a weird way. It's not bad training to get you in to stand up, I would think. It's not at all. Like once you really like just dive in, in, in the state, I was scared of stand up though,

because like no beat, nothing to hide behind, you know, you're kind of just out there. But if you're doing music, right, that's kind of the same thing. You're just packaging it up in a studio and then giving it to the world. But man, I have a stuttering issue that I always have when I was a kid and rap helped me, I learned how to catch up with my thoughts and slow down like so I wouldn't stutter so much, but I wasn't my authentic self. So it'd be interesting to make music. Well, it is interesting to make music now where I'm not like pre-judging it, like when

I was younger trying to make a record, I wasn't trying to write, I was trying to write like who I am, but I was more trying to like look at what was popular and like try to fit in with that. That's what we all do on the whatever you want to call it, on the way up, on the journey, whatever you want to say, young people think, oh, you know, Chris Redd, I love him. They think you showed up as Chris Redd. They don't know that what they're seeing is years and years and years and years if you not knowing, not being sure, trying different things, struggling and then starting to find

your footing and you know, on some level, you're still going to be figuring it out five years from now. Yeah. No, it's that's so, so true. And honestly, it's one of the things that like bugs me sometimes because people will talk to me like I've always, I've always been doing exactly what I want to do. And I'm like, well, in some instances, I'm still not doing exactly when I want to do, but I'm am, I'm on a good track, but like I was broke until I was 31 years old.

That's a long fucking time to not have shit for yourself to watch everybody in their lives look at you like you're fucking crazy for, cause I chase two dreams and they didn't pop off until I was 30. So like imagine your friends looking around at you like, yo, this rap dream, nothing has come of it. And then, and then they're like, so what are you going to do? I remember I stopped rapping at 22 and I'm like, I'm done. I'm going to try to figure out something else and they're like, good, you can go back to

school and I'm like, I'm going to be a comedian like what another one just fucking do something normal. So I just chose to be broke as fuck all through my 20s. You know, and if this hadn't worked out, I don't know what would have happened. You know, I mean, I would have figured it out, but like it's, it's like there's so much of my, so much of who I am and so much of my story is to come up. And when people talk to me like, they're like, oh, you're like, you don't get, you don't get it.

You don't get what it's like to have like one of my uncles and they can't, they don't help. They can't help it. But I was talking to one of my, my cousins and I was like, oh man, they got you working on Thanksgiving. I hate, I hate when I had to do that and he, and he, and then my uncle was like, you got to start somewhere. I started there too, I worked at seven different Olive Gardens because I kept stealing stuff.

But also you love the food. I do love an Olive Garden. I'm not going to lie. Every time I say super salad, I'm like, we, we are family. You know what I mean? I love an Olive Garden. You're going to get so much, they're going to send you crates of, of, of cheesy sticks. Of cheesy sticks and the thickest Frado sauce.

Yeah, exactly. No, that's probably the minute you start to hit and things start to gel. There's a little bit of a, well, you lucked out sentiment from some people and you think, do you want to see the thousands and thousands and thousands of hours of despair? Just so sad, like, man, like, I remember doing so many shows and then like this girl I wanted to take out this one time, I had no money. I had $20 and I had $150 worth of shit to do on this date. And I had, somebody showed it in plan, right?

But I was like, oh, I'm going to plan, I'm going to take her to this, like, wing bar. And it's like this, it's like this bar out in, out in Aurora, some, some, some suburb that I had never been to, but I knew it was nice and this girl I had went to school with, she didn't like me in high school, but then now she's giving me a chance. And I was like, oh shit, here we go. And what are you doing at this point? Are you a comedian at this point? I'm a comedian at this point, but I have no, no money, obviously.

And, and so I take her, so we're on our way and GPS is not a thing, like, at this point. So I had printed out this map quest shit and, and we get there and it's a wing stop, bro. And a very small one at that. And I was like, oh shit, I think this took me to the wrong place. Let me just look this up real quick. And then I, so I looked it up and we were an hour and a half away from where I wanted to take her. Oh God.

So I looked at her and I looked at the wing stop and I was like, we hear, bro. You can have anything you want to have. Looks kinda nice. And she, and she was a trope, her name was Ash, she was still friends to this day, friends to this day. Yeah. Yeah. She was so sweet about it, man.

She had an eight wing stop with me in there, like I was, good for her. Good for her. And she's like, I love your blazer with your, with your hood jeans and I was like, thank you very much. I'm going for a look. I'm going for a look. But now you can take her to an even better wing stop. Yeah.

Yeah. I could, I could take her, man. I could take her to where they kill the chickens, baby. Right this way, Mr. Red. Oh, oh, Mr. Red, I didn't realize it was you. Come on in. I've been twirling necks and licking lemon pep all week. You can help us kill the chickens.

Chris Red, everybody, you can help us kill chickens. I love hearing these stories of you get the call to come do SNL. Yeah. It's going to sound crazy to people, but it's like being in the Marines or something. You can talk to people about it later on and I can be an old Marine and you can be a young Marine, but there's some stuff that's like, oh yeah, you know, when they, when the bugle blows at five and you got to get up and do push-ups, doesn't that suck? It sure does.

They actually made us do push-ups. For real? No, it's definitely that and then you feel like you have that camaraderie. I feel like that's what a fraternity, I didn't finish college because I was, because I knew I knew my calling, but I imagine that's what a fraternity is like, you know, is, you know, you meet people from all walks of life and they can only, only we can understand truly what it was like to be and work in that place because everybody else has that asterisk above it.

Like it's still, to them, it's like, it's, it's all, and it is like a fucking dream job. It's like, hell yeah. But it's also a job and you need people that you can just talk shit about your job because everybody talks, no matter what your job is, there's going to be some days you just shooting the shit. And I've always said that if you're the ice cream tester for Ben and Jerry's, there's a day when you come home and your wife's like, how was it?

Oh fuck. Today, there's a new triple ripple fudge and I had to taste it and it's fine. I wasn't real. You know, like the best job in the world, someone's bitching about, I just got to get out of this beautiful ice cream factory. I just found out I'm lactose intolerant, I've been shitting all over the place. The lactose intolerant ice cream tester for Ben and Jerry's. Please make that a character and then cut me in for just a piece of the merch.

That's all I want. I got you, Pete. But that's the thing is, I'm guessing you were terrified. We're taping here in New York City all this week and talking to people and so I've been walking around and I keep passing the hotel where they put my writing partner and I up for two weeks while they were testing us out. So Greg, Daniels and I. The Sheridan?

Yeah. Where's it? The Omni? I don't know, but I think it's the, I don't know what it is, but I see it and the minute I see it, my body is flooded with anxiety. It's seared into your mind, like that Sheridan I stayed at and then there's this other little small hotel that's like right across the street from 30 Rock. I forget the name of that joint, but I was in, I've been in those two hotels the most

when I was first like, they'll fly you out to like do the audition and I just remember sitting up there with a Jack and Coke waiting for Lauren, our times were pushed back because he was taking a helicopter from the Hamptons and I was like, that's a dope ass reason. Yeah. Yeah, Lauren is actually, Lauren's one of the stars of succession this year. Yeah, man. I've got to go into the city to see Chris Redd. Massive helicopter.

It was the first time I was like, they're like, yeah, your audition times pushed back two hours. I was like, what? Why? Not like I had nothing else to do. Now I have to have another Jack and Coke. Yeah. What the fuck?

I was like, I just want to get it out the way. What's the, what could be the reason? Oh, he's flying from the Hamptons and the helicopter, I'm like, I've never heard a reason like that. I don't think I have enough money to even have her. No one's ever said it when you were hanging out at the wing stop. Right. Sorry I'm late.

My helicopter was having trouble. It's called rich people problems. Yeah, man. I want to have those problems so bad. I was like, oh, I would love that. I would love that. Oh, sorry. My helicopter got caught in the air.

You know what's funny is I was on, I did like a tour with a bunch of stand-up comedians and Moses was one of them. This is a couple like before COVID. But there were times where we had to get from one city to the other city and the only way to get there really and make it in time was to charter like a plane. Yeah. And about halfway through the tour, it became clear to me that all the other comics thought this was my plane.

Oh, 100%. And it was so funny because at one point, I don't know who it was, but one of the stand-ups was saying, you know, so how do you, do you choose which kind of wood you want in your plane? And I said, what? And they said, did you decide like, do you want this kind of wood or how does it work? Like when you go and pick it up and I said, pick what up? And they, and I said, wait a minute.

And I had to stand and give an announcement and said, I don't have a plane. And they, and their response was, you've been on TV our entire lives. So of course you have a plane and I'm like, no, I don't have a plane. If I had a plane, I could have it for, I think a couple of weeks. And then I, there'd be some problems that the plane, people would say, these checks are bouncing and you don't go and buy a plane. Absolutely. Absolutely.

But like people like make those assumptions all the time. I remember I did my first, one of my first roles was on a Chicago PD and I just played this dude on the West side who like fixes like some of the cops cars or some shit like that. And it was like one, one day shoot. My family saw it and they think I live in a mansion. They don't come see me. They don't actually go come to visit me in Chicago. They was like, oh, you, you rich now boy, you on TV.

I'm like, no, no, no, I live with a bunch of college students and I'm in, I'm in this little cupboard room for like, and, and, but the people just love to make those assumptions. That being said, the second I can buy a plane, I don't want to, I, I, I over it, I over it out. You know what I'm saying? Just to make, so it can make its money. I am going to be the plane. You know what I mean?

So wait, you're going to have, you're going to Uber it out so other people can use the plane. Yeah. But also you're going to have people living in the plane. Right. The pilots, the pilots. They got to be ready to go at a moment's notice. I'm working all the time.

They working all the time. That plane's going to start to smell. I'm just telling you, you're going to come in there and they're like, no, we made, we just made lunch here. We slept here last night and we just cooked. We just made breakfast. Hey, man. As long as, as long as it smells fresh by the time I get on that motherfuck, I don't know

why it's just popping in my head, but Lauren, Lauren gave me a ride in his amazing plane once and this is when I was going to move out to LA after years and years and years in New York and I'm talking and I'm saying, yeah, here you can, you, you can get like a nicer house if you live in the valley. You can get more land if you live in San Fernando Valley and Lauren just cut me off and went, you're not living in the fucking valley. I don't know why I just, it was like, it was like, that was the Yoda wisdom. Yeah.

You know, Yoda's is like, there is no try, there is only do. And then Lauren's just like, you're not living in the fucking valley. Yeah, get real. Get real. Then I looked around and noticed that, oh, they're bringing out a, you know, a giant golden avocado for me to eat and I'm getting a massage on this private plane. That man has wisdom, especially when it comes to like, like money and having it and knowing what to do with it.

And when I told him I was taking a break, he gave me some great advice, which was like, you know, spend a little bit more on yourself just to remind yourself when you get home that you got to get your ass back to work, you know, and I was like, I'm definitely going to do that. Yeah. And I did it. Yeah. And that's why I'm here.

I'll pay me, right? No, I'm kidding. Oh yeah. The money you get for appearing on this podcast is going to stun you. It's going to stun you. It's going to change your life. Your children's children. This is ancestral money that will last forever.

You know, it's funny. I was, I can, one of the things that I love about watching you is how much fun you're having. First of all, you're 110% committed to whatever you're doing, you know. You have to be. Yes. But like when you were Kanye, you know, and you had those insane eyes, you were so, and I can also can tell you're having a lot of fun.

And I always feel like it's not, not a lot of people can't do it, but what's simple is when you're having fun, it's really fun to watch. Yeah. I have a lot of fun, especially with like characters like that because I'm a fan, yeah, he's not a fan of my EA. Now, now, did he see your impression? Oh, he's seen it for sure. And does he, did he say anything?

Did he get back to you? No, no, and I've seen him a few times and I just, I, I feel like he don't like me that much. You know, it could just be me, you know, me in my head, but I remember we were all, we were all like backstage. I forgot who's show it was, but I think, I think I had just did, did yeah, like a few weeks after this and like Chappelle was there and rock was there and they were all back there talking.

So we were all talking and then I walked off to get ready and I came back over and yeah, it was there. And, and they were all in the semi-circles, I was like, this is cold. So I said, what's up to everybody again and, and I was like, what's up, yeah. And he gave me this over the shoulder Batman look didn't say a fucking word and just leave you just, and then walk back, I'm like, ah, yeah, well next time then, and then, you know, and we've seen each other several times, man. We got mutual friends, but like, you know, I still think he rocks with it that much,

but I met him when I was younger too, like I was at the Austin township. We used to go to the West side on Austin township and like do like different, different programs for the kids. And, and I remember I was young, I was like 13. I made this mixtape and, and, and yeah, it had just like, he just started getting popular. He just sold some beats to Jay-Z and it was like, and that she was blowing up. So it was him in common had come to talk to every talk, talk to all of us. So I waited till after it was over and I had my mixtape and I walked up to yeah, and I

was like, yay, um, uh, this is my mixtape, I'm a young rapper, would you mind listening to it? He's like, hey, oh, nine, listen to that shit. And he walks up. So that was my first interaction week as a child with my first dream. They're a child. What does it take to go like, sure, I'll give it a listen, you know, throw it away later. Common took it and he listened to it and then, and then when he came on the show, because

I had him on in one of the sketches, he came on the show and we talked about this moment and he was like, well, right then he couldn't have, you know, he couldn't have his, like, uh, it was in his contract. He couldn't pick up mixtapes. Obviously. I was like, man, you're a good guy coming for your friend. I learned something very valuable that like when you meet your heroes and you meet like some of your favorite artists, sometimes they knock on fuck with you right away or ever.

You know what I'm saying? So you got to learn to appreciate and separate the work and the art from the person. I'm in that school with you. I tried my best to separate and it's gotten to be a tricky thing because we're in a culture now where they say, if someone gets canceled or someone's on, you know, does something that's not cool, we're supposed to hate their work. And I don't know. I have a difficult time with that because especially people in our world, they're flawed.

But if they've done something really brilliant, I need to give it up for like that. What you did was really brilliant there. You're very talented and then you may also be deeply screwed up and you probably owe a bunch of people an apology. But I try. I try to keep that. That's my take on it. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like it's important because it's been a part of our lives literally forever. I mean, people talk about how terrible Hitler was and he was, but there's also this conversation in classes where like, but he was a brilliant war strategist and blaze, blaze, blaze, blaze. And it's like. No, there really wasn't anything. Hitler was also terrible at that. He was terrible. But it's like, how are y'all trying to find like.

No, no, no. I thought you were going to say for a second like Hitler talk about people talk about what a bad guy Hitler was, but his early comedy. His mustache album was great. Yeah. The stuff he was doing in San Francisco. His scientists. In the 60s.

The scientists that they immigrated into America. We took their scientists, we took their Nazi racist scientists. We took their rocket scientists. Yeah. Into our own government. No. We can't. You ruined my whole point when you brought Hitler into it because we there's nothing.

Thanks a lot. I'm like, you know, and I'm trying to think of like, you know, comedians that I admire, but then later on you find out they've done some bad stuff and I think, well, I'm trying to tease on you like, yeah, cause Hitler and I'm like, oh, great. Don't pull me into your Hitler bullshit. Hey man. Hey man. Hitler was a sharp dresser.

Hitler had a cold band, that boy had a car, he had a car boy, that car was a tank. Hey man. Hitler was rapping for all the motherfuckers in the world. No, no, no. I'm putting a statement, I have to put out a statement now that I cannot go along with Chris Reds. I'm not a fan of Hitler. No, no, I know.

I mean everybody look. I'm not a fan of Hitler or Adolf. Your publicist just jumped out the window. Whenever someone's back into a corner of saying, look, I'm not a Hitler fan per se, no, I get your point. I get your point. Oh shit. Yeah.

He, you know, probably was petted a dog once, but still, you know, what's funny is, you know, we were talking about how lives change or people's perceptions change. There's no way, there's no way now that people in your life don't think you've got it made and that adds some kind of pressure to you. Well, it's like, yeah, yeah. Or your family or there's no way that people don't think, oh, you know, you just, you have no problems anymore. 100%.

It's that. And it's like, nah, nah, man, you still have problems and you gotta tell the stuff to do. But it's like, I rather do all the problems now than dealing with all the problems without having resources to handle any of them damn problems. Just ignoring it. I just, I mean, it took me a long time just to like, like stop thinking any number that I didn't know. Calling me was some, somebody I owed, you know what I mean?

Cause I just, I call it like those PTSD and then there's like broke memory where you like wake up sometimes and just check your account to make sure like you're not in the red. I still do this shit to this day, but I was like, but that's because I was literally broke for so long that people don't, don't really put the math together. Like I was unsuccessful for way longer than I was successful. So I remember that way more than I, I know this, I'm still learning how to. You know, there are these stories about Bob Hope, like the huge comedian of the 30s, 40s, 50s, like, you know, he was incredibly wealthy.

So early on, like in the 1940s, he starts buying up all the land in the valley where Lauren will never go. But he starts buying it all up with his friends. And so he, you know, by the time 1970s, 80s, he's, he's one of the richest entertainers of all time. Crazy. Crazy money. And I know for a fact that late in his life, when he was, you know, he lived to be 97 or

something. He learned, he lived a really long time when he was really old, he would have people drive him in with coupons to like a, you know, to a Carl's Jr., you know, or a fast food place. And he would use the coupons to get his hamburger because he had been desperately poor, desperately poor in, and we're talking now like a hundred years ago, but he was desperately poor back then and he never forgot it. And that's the kind of thing that when people, when people have spent time without often never, ever, ever, ever forget it.

Especially if you were broke in the thirties. Right. Exactly. Jesus Christ. That was a different kind of broke. Yeah. That was tough. That was tough for white people.

The thirties was the last time white people had a difficult, anything. I mean, we definitely had it bad. You guys had it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not saying you didn't. I'm just saying, yeah, you're right. When people in the thirties, they got soot on their face.

It's not even trying. They're not even trying to have black face. They just work hard. Shit, it's tough. Yeah. Yeah. I like that. I like your take on the thirties.

The last time. I got hot takes on the thirties. On Hitler's car. Well, you heard it here officially the last time white people had anything legitimate to complain about. We've nailed down the date. It was 1937, March 5th. And then after that, they needed to shut up.

Yeah. And now you guys just have to explain January 6th for about five years. Yes. Oh my God. That was crazy. That was tight. Yeah. What were you doing when January 6th happened?

Yeah. I was supposed to do, I think, a podcast or something and it was during COVID and we were still, so I was supposed to record it from home and the TV's out on the background. And I literally, the technician and everyone is online telling me, okay, let's get ready to do this. And in the background, I'm watching our country start to come apart at the seams and finally just called, I think I called Adam Sacks, who's sitting with us today, who's in charge of all the world of our podcast.

And I said, I don't think we're doing a podcast right now because I think the American experiment is ending right now on CNN Live. And so I don't know where you were, but that was insanity. I was in New York. We were doing the show. Well, actually, you were there. I saw you in the footage. Yeah, I was.

I was letting people in the back. Wait, some people are coming in the back and it looks like, yes, Sound Out Live's Chris Redd is holding the door for them. They told me it was a barbecue. I didn't know what the plan was, I should've known, I should've known, just by the, my first meeting. At what point did you figure out this is not a social occasion? Oh, when I saw, I saw too many woodland jackets, too many jackets with wickships on.

I'm like, please, this is not a barbecue. I don't want to be at, I mean, bro, there's a lot of things I thought about it. You know what I mean? Yeah. But the first thought was how musty it must have smelled. Right. Man, there's too many teeth missing for that shit to smell great. The motherfuckers stink, man.

Yeah. That guy dressed up as a buffalo, you know, he didn't, he hadn't showered. Hell no. He's just, he's just that spray on axe and he didn't like, hit the skin, he just sprays around it. He has a friend spray a little axe and then he walks through it. He walks through it, yeah. It doesn't work that way.

Yeah, yeah. And then he says, why did the spin doctors break up? He has to live with that footage forever, man. I think he had kids too. Yeah. The guy with the buffalo. Yeah, he's dressed, he's wearing like a buffalo horns and he's all painted and you know that five years from now he's going to pass the bar somewhere and be like a legitimate

lawyer and people are going to be bringing that up and he's going to go, you know, that's not me anymore. Yeah, man. No, dude, I was just like, I was an animal back then. It was a weird time. It was a weird time. We were all just really like, we were just stressed out. Yeah.

And that's what you, when you're stressed, you try and undo a 220 year constitutional experiment. Yeah. That's what we all do when we're stressed. They were trying to steal the constitution and they didn't do what though, man? Like you read it, half the people can't read. I found it, here it is. Oh, I got it.

All right now, what we going, all right, so, all right, we got it now, uh, uh, what you say, it's like, it's not voodoo, though, if you know, you can't change it and then things happen. Like it's, uh, it's very weird. I didn't think they dip. They weren't quite sure what they were doing, by the way. I don't, I don't think, I don't think they had a good thought out plan. That's just me.

And I, I've tried to put this out there before and people say you're crazy Conan, but that's just my bet. Yeah. It's just the equivalent of like, you know, if, if we're like, yo, let's go rob a bank. No, no, let's go rob a library, bro. Take all the encyclopedias, so then we'll have all the words and nobody will have words because we got the words. We got the words.

That's a plan. Actually. Now get your Buffalo costume on. You still got that? Uh, hold on. It's in the attic. I think, honey, where's the Buffalo head? This again?

We're going to, shut up. This is me doing me. We got to go steal the words from the library. Where is the, where is that? No, the Buffalo head that I wear. It's in the attic. I locked it up with the guns. This is verbatim conversation from one of their households.

Yeah. We actually got a transcript. We're just performing it. This is NPR. This is legitimate. This is legitimate news. So tell me about your day today because I know this is, I'm catching you in a work week. You got a sign out live this week.

So I know that yesterday was read through so you kind of know what the show is going to be. Yeah. You have an idea of what it's going to be so far. How late in the process can you come up with something new? If you had a really funny idea maybe for update late in the week or something or someone pitched you something. How late?

Cause I remember it was, things were pretty set by Thursday, I mean they had to be. Well update is like a code open is definitely like, not that I come up with ideas for code open and I never think about that, but like, code them or what will, like the script will first see it Friday night or even Saturdays now. And then update, you know, Friday, I didn't know I was doing Kanye until Friday evening. Oh really? Okay. And I was like, oh shit.

Okay. And so then I was just on set, my music videos, me and Pete were shooting trees at the time. And so in between takes, I was like trying to get my Kanye now for the next day because I was like, oh, it's my first time in the code open for real and like doing a character and I've never really done Kanye like, I, I don't, are you hadn't? I hadn't. It was so funny. So good.

I appreciate it man. Like I, I try to like, I love doing characters obviously, but I don't like, I didn't fancy myself an impressionist. I'm like, people I can have fun with and that's, that's, that's some of my favorite things to watch. Like watching like a, like a Kate, uh, like a Andy Samberg, like do impressions where some, some are like, oh shit, that's like, that's them. And then some of, they're just having so much fun, like you're like, oh, they're, they're,

they're bringing something new to this person that really didn't give them much to start with. Right. And they're just having a, and then you have people like James Austin Jackson, who can be spot on. Yes. And do both. Yes.

And it's like, or like a Jay Farrell, you're like, oh fuck, that's amazing. You know what I mean? Yep. I mean, that's plenty of people. I'm not going to name a whole cast. I love you guys. Uh-huh. And now the people you didn't mention, um, you know, but I know that, you know, back

in my day when Dana Carvey would do, uh, Bush, he just kept stretching it out and making it, you know, we're not going to do it. Just became that big, which became a guy, a guy, a guy. And it was, he was stretching it so far out that it almost had, it started to have nothing to do with George Bush senior, but it was hilarious and fantastic. And I thought, oh, that's, those are the impressions I really love is when someone, you know, you're, you're Kanye a year from now might be quite different. You know what I mean?

You're a Cory Booker. You might find stuff and it starts to drift away from the actual person, but in a way become even more fun. Yeah. Especially Cory Booker. Cause he doesn't like, he's a, he's just like very well put together, dude, pretty, pretty just like, you know, passionate about things and caring. And that's pretty boring stuff when he comes to like a comedian, so like, I, I, I accentuate

the things that I noticed, but I noticed face shit first. Like I love, I love facial expressions and like, and, and, and it was so fun, especially with Cory. Cause Cory doesn't like the impression that much. I, I do that. Is that true? It got back to you? Cause the people that, some people that work for them out like, they were like, we love

it. So I'm like, he doesn't. Yeah. Cause that's usually how it works. Cause you're not hearing from him. Yeah. Yeah. And then, and then Rosario Dawson did a interview, I think with, with like TMZ and she was like,

I want to give as to now, then Chris read some pointers. That's not her voice. Like I said, I'm not an impression, but she was like, I want to give him some pointers on, on, on how to do Cory Booker. I'm like, nah, nah, I was, I love Rosario Dawson. I think she's incredible at everything, but giving me advice. And uh, but you don't need tips from, yeah, you got this. I'm good.

And Cory Booker fans like his eyes don't do that. I'm like, are y'all not looking at this man? Anytime he's intense, his eyes get big. Yeah. Yeah. Just like that. Yeah. Yeah.

But I love, I love, I love that. I love finding a little something and having fun with him. I mean, that's what, that's what all this shit is about. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, her tips, by the way, were like, he's caring. He cares about a whole lot of things.

He's so passionate. Oh, that's so funny. That's hilarious. Rosario Dawson. Hilarious. You know who else is funny? My pastor. What are we talking about, bro?

Jesus Christ. He's passionate. He picks up puppies. Cool, man. That's great. That's going to have him howling in the aisles. I still love your Luke Cage though. You're super, you're super dope.

Um, you know, I don't want to keep you because you've got, you've got, you've got to get to work. Yeah. It's a light week. We're good. Uh. You remember that? You know, I'm coming in.

Right now, right now, Lauren is at SNL going like, where's Chris Wren? The fuck? Where's my pop? What's happening? Uh, he's doing a thing with Conan. Is he still, it's a, oh, oh, oh, oh, that's sad. Why is it, why is it, why is it, why is it, why is it Conan turning the sketch out? I love Lauren.

Yeah. Lauren, Conan left Star Night Live 72 years ago. Oh. You rock. You never really leave. Why hasn't Conan turned in the sketch? I love that take. I don't see Conan much around this week.

Yeah. Yeah. He left in 1942 to go fight Hitler. And he won and got the car as a. Yeah. Man. That's, he had a good car. He had a nice car.

Yes, I am just really happy that you could come in and do this and. Oh man. So, so happy for you and you are brilliantly talented, but, but also, and I know this for a fact because I stood on a roof with you in San Diego. You haven't changed at all. You've got all this success. You were an really nice, honest, real person. Then you're that guy now and I'm just delighted.

Thank you so much, man. It means, it means a lot. I will never change. Besides, well, I have better clothes now, but. You have much better clothes now. Oh God. You were wearing towels. You had, when I knew you, you had, had safety pins and you had taken hotel towels and made

yourself a suit. They were 300 count. To be very honest with you. They were very plush. But I, but I was like, literally, man, I love you. I've always been a fan and you're one of my favorite, favorite comics and late night hosts. And now podcasts.

And, but you're like. And soon furniture salesman. I love that. I need. I will take care of you. But you're like, um, meeting you and the way you've been, you've looked out for me, man, is the way you, you like want every, um, person that you look up to in this business to be like, when you meet them.

And it's not that way. And so it's really special when it is. And, um, and I really appreciate you, dude. And just never impersonate me. Cause then I will shut you down. Man, they'll give that to Mikey. You don't think, you don't think they're going to give it to you? Yeah.

I was like, I got this dope Conan O'Brien. Cool, man. Okay. Somebody else. No, no, it's got to be Conan. Got to be this week. It's got to be this week. It's got to be this week.

And it's got to be Conan. Uh, hey, Chris red. Thank you so much. And, um, I'm just going to bug you all the time now. Cause I want, I got a mixtape. I want you to hear. Hey, I'm with it. I'm with it.

I am with it. And this man gave me my special, man. So I'm, I'm going to finish that joints. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to finish that shit. Yeah.

You finished that. I'm going to finish that shit. Cause we gave you the money and you, you immediately spent it. On a plane. We didn't give you that much. Nope. That is one shitty plane. I am not getting in that plane.

It's called uber plane. One of the wings aren't on it, but it does fly. I do not want to get yelled at by Lauren. So please go and have a great show. Oh man. Thank you, man. I appreciate you. Let's do a little review the reviewers where I read a review from Apple podcasts.

We discuss it. Okay. I will gird myself. You know what that means? You gird yourself. Yeah. You gird your loins. Yeah.

You sort of tense up a little bit and you prepare yourself. You get ready. That's how I feel whenever someone says, oh, Conan, I heard this comment about you. I then gird myself. I prepare myself for potential pain. Well, un-gird yourself because no one said that in a long time. Un-gird yourself, old friend. The title of this review is Conan's miracle voice.

It's a five star review. Oh. It's from Jim Jim Binks, assuming that's Jar Jar's brother. I listen to this podcast with my nine year old daughter in the car every week, a little bit of background. She is non-verbal. And when she was four, I was told she would likely never talk. Today when driving with my daughter while listening to the show, as Conan was talking

about pens, my daughter loudly said, off Conan, demanding I turn the show off. So the combined power of Sona, Matt, Conan and Shaquille O'Neal gave voice to a once voiceless child. Since that moment, she has said more and more words. I am forever indebted to this podcast and its hosts for being so grating to my daughter's ears that she figured out how to use her vocal cords specifically to tell me to turn it off. Is this real?

This is real. I'm assuming. I mean, it could be fake. That's insane. I don't. That's crazy. Isn't that sweet? Wow.

Well, I am legitimately happy that this child is making progress. And if we're any small part of that, that's great. I wish it was in a slightly nicer context, but I have to say that sounds like a miracle. Yeah, Conan's miracle voice. Well, yeah, but the negative power of my voice, I mean, you have to admit it was the sheer impulse to get me to shut up. I don't know. That's amazing.

I feel like if it was during the pen conversation, she was probably like, he's being unreasonable. Yeah. Turn him off. I think she wasn't... Let's bring people up to date on what the pen conversation was. Do you guys know how to summarize it briefly? Yeah. You, Sona, you say because you had ordered him a bunch of pens, right?

Well, okay. All right. I didn't order him pens. But sent, we have a young man who helps us out and he bought Conan some pens when Conan wanted them. Then a year and a half later, Conan opened up the bag of pens we got and found out they were fine tip instead of bold and Conan texted me in such an aggressive manner that we ended up talking about it on the podcast.

I can see why she would want to turn that off because she was like, oh. I really got into the weeds about the differences between the fine point and the bold point of this pen. I could see that anyone who had to listen to that would think, what a madhouse. This is a madman and these people are enabling this madman. We now have proof that I'm insane and that I went way too far with those pens because this child summoned the ability to speak out of the ether to get me to stop talking about the goddamn pens.

Even when you guys were setting this up, I wanted to scream, off Conan. Well, I bet even recapping it, if that child hears the recap, the child's going to make seven more, seven times the progress instantly. Oh, she's going to do like the Hamlet salute. Yeah. Conan, silence, you're at your tongue. I cannot stand this clithering and plathering about pens. They're much larger issues in life you should be concerned with.

To be or not to be, that is the question whether it is nobler in the minds of a distinct and erotic. I find Conan's actions to be unreasonable. Once more, dear friends, unto the breach. Oh, no. Wow. Well, I mean, all joking aside, that's lovely if that's the case and sincerely very, very happy that this child is making such great progress and also good to know that in my

own backwards way, I have powers. I could go to one of those revival tents where they bring people up who have crutches and I'll start going on about these pens and people will throw their crutches away, say I can walk and then they will run out of the tent. People will come from miles around. I haven't been able to see since childhood. Well, I can tell you about these pens suddenly, eyesight returns so they can see the exit and dash out.

It's a miracle. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Beckton, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and

Brick Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.