Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Colin Quinn

Episode Date: October 5, 2020

Comedian Colin Quinn feels euphoric about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Colin sits down with Conan to talk about his tenure on Weekend Update, why simple transgression isn’t comedy, and the best quotes out of his new book Overstated: A Coast-to-Coast Roast of the 50 States. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi everyone, my name is Colin Quinn, and I feel euphoric about being on Conan Bryant's friend. Okay, you did that as badly as it could be done. Hello and welcome to Conan Bryant Needs a Friend. So far, I think this is my most professional intro. Didn't that sound good? That was really good. That was really good.

Out of you. I didn't sound like a kid who had accidentally picked up the phone while his father was talking. Yeah, your voice is sounding very deep right now. Yeah, I think it's, I'm becoming somehow during this pandemic more masculine, I don't know why. Your body is changing. My body is changing. You know what you're becoming?

You're becoming a venerable broadcaster. Well, that's very nice of you to say. I think it has more to do with, I have very long hair. I don't know why that would make me more masculine, but a lot of people are saying that I look like a sort of a surfer guy, and I think I'm starting to take on the attitude of a surfer guy. Are you going to surf? No.

Oh God, no. Okay. No, because that's something that involves going outside. I looked into it, and you have to go outside and be exposed to sunlight to surf. And then I, so then I said, had to rule it out. So you'll take on the persona, but you won't do the actual thing. Of course. Okay.

That's my whole life. Yes. Yes. Yes. Is there a word for it? Good. I'm that. I'm a poser.

My whole life, I've taken on attitudes without having anything to back it up, and I'm proud of that. Poser's a good thing, right? Is that something? Oh, it's great. It's great. It just commands respect. Yes.

Yes. That's me. I'm a poser, and this is my podcast, and I'm here, of course, with my assistant, Sonam Obsess. Hi. Good to see you. You and I are in the studio together. We've both been tested for COVID.

Yes. Yes. I was careful all weekend. I hope you were as well. Yes. Okay. Was I? Yes.

No, you don't sound too sure. I'm not. I'm never sure. The fact that I keep getting tested negative is, it's a miracle, because I see my family a lot. Why are you in the studio with me? I don't know. That's a good question.

I know. This is ridiculous. This is horrible. We're six feet apart. We are. Just face the other way. Okay. Face the wall, as if you're being punished.

Matt Gorley, how are you? Oh, I've never been happier to be here in my own safe house. That's right. You are smart enough to broadcast from your home. Lovely home, by the way. I've seen it. Thank you. Gorgeously appointed.

You and your wife have very nice taste. I will say that. Oh, thank you. That's nice of you. Yeah. There's no, don't act like there's another shoe to drop. There's only ever been another shoe dropping, but maybe this will be the first time it doesn't.

Let's see. I think you have a beautiful, lovely wife, a beautiful home, and I think you're a man of taste and distinction. Oh, no. He froze. I'm just frozen. He fear. No, no.

Look at that. Why did you freeze? You know what? He's not. Oh, he's fine. Yeah. I think I just froze like a deer in headlights waiting to be insulted. Well, anyway, I'm just curious if you're enjoying the fame that the podcast has brought

you, Sona. You were someone who was not in the bright white light of show business, a light that some say I've thrived in, a light that some say I've been incinerated by, but you are getting recognized. Is that true? You know, yes. Okay. So I will say I have that type of like, eh, you look familiar kind of thing about me,

but yes, but there's this thing that happened recently that I was hesitant to talk about because it is kind of gross, but I talked about my cysts on this podcast, so I'll just talk about this too. You did bring up you have many cysts. Is that right? We talked about me removing my cysts and then take several multiple cysts. Yes. Cup two.

So your body cranks out cysts. Relax. It's just two of them. It's just two. You're a cyst farm. Okay. Multiple. More than one.

Okay. You're going to talk about my skin. What's wrong with my skin? You have to get checked by a dermatologist like every four weeks. Guys, we got podcasts. We are actually recording right now. Just a podcast. Anyway.

I sleep in a coffin. I can't do this. Podcast. Okay. Let me tell a story. Okay. So I... Psystemaker.

Okay. Podcast. Oh my God. I have a toenail fungus. Oh God. I know. Sorry. You didn't want to do this on the Michelle Obama episode?

I know. I didn't want to talk about the nail fungus there. Listen, it's very common. A lot of people have it. I am not a freak. Stop it. Okay. So I have this.

Anyway, so I order this medication and it comes in a box and I open the box and there's all these fun goodies in there that I didn't order along with the medication. And then I pull out the packing slip and behind it, someone wrote, love the podcast. This is like when I went to the urologist and he knew me from the podcast, not from the... It was horrifying. Not from your urethra. I blame you, first of all.

You have told everyone in the world, I live in Altadena, so the guy was like, oh, Sonoma of Sassien and she lives in Altadena, this must be her toe fungus medication. Let me tell her how much I love the podcast. So how did that feel in that moment? Here you are. You're opening up a very... This is a very private matter, you and your toe fungus, which is coming on the heels of these various back cysts being removed. Okay.

I hate this. You can start using an assumed name. Do you think you'd ever do that? No. You know, when I buy stuff online, I'm cheese bitly. Okay. Now everyone knows that you're cheese bitly. Oh, shit.

I shouldn't have said that. And it goes to a PO box, but it says cheese bitly, attorney at law, and then my PO box. And that's where I get my various sexual toys. I just can't believe that I'm the only one on this podcast who's had a toe fungus. I've had cysts removed. One on my 40th birthday. Hey. Wait a minute.

Why on your 40th birthday? What was this? Well, I had it at its worst on my 40th birthday and it was inside my lip and it made me look like I'd had plastic surgery, like bad plastic surgery. And then they took it out and there was a whole like a pocket in my lip and they stuffed that whole full of gauze. And for like three days, I had to have a wad of gauze inside my lip, not behind my lip, but inside my lip.

I remember, this is a true story. I remember I had a wisdom tooth out very late, late thirties or something. This is like five or six or seven years into doing the late night show. Now I'll never forget this. They yank it out. There was this hole, there was some nerves on the bone that were like a little exposed and they said, it's very sensitive. So what you have to do is we're going to give you the medical implements, the little tweezers.

You have to take this little bit of cotton gauze, dip it in this numbing medication and then drop it down the hole using the little thing and then go on the air into your TV show. Okay. The problem is I can't see back there to do it and they said, you should just get someone to do it for you. I got Andy Richter. So Andy Richter, this is true.

Before every show for at least three weeks, it would be like the band would be playing and the audience is clapping along and I would sit down and go like, oh, Andy. And Andy would come in because he kindly is a very nice guy. He's very steady hands. He'd like, I'll open up. So I'd open up my mouth and he'd dip the thing in gauze and reach back there and drop a little cotton anesthetizing grenade down this hole and it would hit the bone and suddenly I wouldn't be in pain anymore.

And I'd be like, thanks, Andy, you'd be like, no problem, showtime. And then I'd go on and go, hey, everybody would be like, yay, woo, and we'd do a show and my next guest, Elton John, and no one had any idea that Andy had just performed oral surgery on me backstage. Well, now we've lost every listener. Every single one. I'm sorry, but I just think that's fascinating. It was like in Star Wars in the first Star Wars movie when Luke has to shoot that thing

and has to go right down that hole to blow up the Death Star. Oh, that's a real exhaust port. Oh, Lord. Oh, no. Well, yes. Yes. Maybe we've said too much. Yes.

Or maybe we haven't said enough, but you said that you had this thing removed on your birthday, your 40th birthday. Yeah. I don't remember which birthday it was, but I was all by myself. It was my birthday and I was trying to close this garage door in Connecticut and I closed it and the garage door where the folds are, it pinched my finger and kind of crushed the tip of it and I was like, and I jumped in my car and I drove to the new Milford Hospital, which was about half an hour away, holding my hand out the window in the air and I was

on my own, not the best period of my life during this time. I drove to the hospital and I came in and I'm holding my hand in the air and the nurse, I'm sitting there and the nurse said, what's your name? And I got Conan O'Brien and she goes, okay. And what's your address? And I sent my address and she said, date of birth. And I said, today. Oh, no.

Today. And I said it just like that, today, happy birthday to me. And I remember we just exchanged a look for a second and then she was like, all right, well anyway. We got to get into the show, we got a lot to do today. Yes, please let's. So just to review, cystic, toe fungus, you think I have ugly skin? Come on.

It's not ugly. God made me and God doesn't make junk. Did your mom say that? Every day, which made me suspect that something was wrong, God made you and God doesn't make junk. What? Why do you say that every day? I mean, he clearly couldn't have meant this.

What? He said this yesterday and well, I mean, why would he make something intentionally so warped, so fiendish, with mottled skin, orange hair, and two dead front teeth, because you fell in the driveway and we never fixed it. Oh, Mike. Okay. Well, can we just change the topic? I mean, God wouldn't do this.

This wouldn't be part of God's plan. Um, can we just talk about anything else? I won the spelling bee today. Well, God made you, I assume, unless you're the devil's work, you're sent here as some kind of vengeance upon mankind and God's good works. I don't like this talk, mom. All right. Sorry.

I think you had a breakthrough. I think I had a real breakthrough here and I don't, I just want to say to my therapist, screw you. Who needs you? I just need a microphone and a laughing assistant and where I'm good. Yeah. I'm excited. My guest today is a very funny comedian actor and writer.

I've known him forever. He was a cast member on Star Night Live and host of Weekend Update. He now has a new book. It's very good, overstated, A Coast to Coast Roast of the 50 States. Colin Quinn. Welcome. Colin, you don't know the name of the podcast, you said euphoric, but you looked like you had just lost a loved one.

I do know the name of the podcast, three questions. No. This is just, this is the hardest I've heard Sona laugh in a long time. You are, this is as if we tried an experiment where we got an ape and we tried to see if we could get it to set up audio and then to, okay, let's move on. Colin. Yes, Colin. You should feel euphoric about being my friend.

You should. You should. I believe, I know how much respect you have for me. Yes. I can tell by the way you've prepared for this podcast. That you were prepared to do on a flip phone. No, you know, I love you, you know, I love you, Colin, and I always have, you know that. I feel the same way.

Clearly, you have that dead look in your eye, two Irish guys telling each other they love one another. Yeah. In the most unconvincing way. Colin. Yes. Please. Let's start at the beginning because there's so much to talk about.

Okay. The book that you've written, I really love, Colin Quinn, and it's a coast to coast roast of the 50 States, overstated, it's called, and so many comics dash off books. They just dash them off, and they make a quick buck, and there are so many good ideas in this book and so many witty observations, and I'm a big fan of good comedy writing, and this book is spectacular, so I congratulate you on your book. Now, Wayne, did you really read the book? Yeah.

Thank you. I'm sure. You know what I wish I had said now? No, I did. No, because I'm shocked because most comedians, they don't read. Right. That's true. That's true.

Most comedians do not read. I will maintain a good chunk of comedians can't read. I would have to agree with you on that. But you've always been a terrific writer, so I was... Well, don't you feel that the Irish people, you know, not to give us those a pat on the back, but we are kind of known for that. Yeah, we're good writers. You got your Joyce.

Sure. You know. Your Yates. You got your Yates. You know. You got your Frank O'Connor. Yeah, you got your Seamus Heaney. You got your Flannery O'Connor.

She's American, but you know, I'm trying to... Oh, I know my Flannery O'Connor. I know. I know you do. I mean, if we're going to just start listing Irish writers, we'll be here for six days, so I don't think we should do that. Fine. Move along.

What's next? Let's start on this because we're talking about it. You seem like you're proud to be Irish. I'm not sure I am. Really? I've always been wary about my 100% Irish heritage. Well, I'll tell you, I'll quote a friend of mine named Tom Kelly. You might know him or write her.

Yep. And one time, Tom was sitting with me, and I was saying, you know, Irish people in Boston, I go, they're just like us, they're witty, and they're smart. I was complimenting the Irish. Tom was a little bit tipsy, and he goes like this. Even in that state, he stopped and he goes, because he worked in Boston on the big day for two years. And he goes, well, they're not like us.

They're witty and they're smart. But they're mean. Yes. And that's the difference. That's probably why you have some ambivalence about your Irishness. Because Boston Irish, they're a little bit cockier, because you guys are the majority up there. Down here in New York, we have to be our own self-contained little community.

Yes. Yes. You had to get along more than the Boston Irish who walked around like they owned the place. They all grew up. They did own the place. You could say they still own the place. You have...

I think they should own the place. You know what? We wouldn't keep up the payments, is the problem, if we did own the place. You have to, too. Yeah. And you left that little rat hole, that little social club to the south, Rhode Island. You left that for the Italians. I maintain the worst accent in the world is the Cranston accent.

People talk about the Boston accent, and I was once driving along at night. I was headed to a wedding, and this is a couple of years into my talk show, and I stopped off in Cranston, Rhode Island to refill my car with gas, and this woman who was wearing all acid wash stepped out of her car, and I was wearing a hat, and I could tell that she recognized me, and she pointed at me, and she said, I sported, yeah, I sported, yeah. And I'm like, oh, my God, to be discovered and found out and accused by a pirate at two o'clock in the morning at an A.M.

P.M. Listen to this, this is a great line that I loved, and I am an admirer of your writing, and there's so many beautiful lines, and I was underlining a bunch in this book, and here you are talking about Massachusetts. Used to be the pride of Massachusetts, where all those charming colonial-era towns like Lexington and Concord and the House of Seven Gables. Now it's getting the finger on I-90 by a fat landscaper in a scally cap and a drop-chick Murphy's hoodie.

I love it, I absolutely love it. I love it, and I love the imagery of it, and that's something I think from all my wariness of being Irish, I think something the Irish do better than ever is a concise image that knocks you over. That is an image, I can see that person in the scally cap and the drop-chick Murphy's hoodie giving me the finger on the mass pike. I can see it, it's happened, I know that guy, and that guy knows my brother Luke, so I know exactly what's going on.

Yeah, I think it's true, I think I have some ambivalence about being Irish, because we've got plenty of our flaws, and so unlike St. Patrick's Day, I was never the guy that was like, hey, I'm Irish, kiss me, I'm Irish, yay, Irish, I would go the other way almost. I would pretend to be Cuban, just to get through the day. I don't know how they would get you through the day. Well, you know, sort of like Desi Arnais Cuban, you know, a sophisticated band leader. Well, it's true Cubans have the Desi Arnais in particular, has the opposite skin tone as us.

We do have that very time, I mean, we're the most beautiful people in the world up until the age of 13. You know, Patrice O'Neill, who is not Irish despite the name, he once said that, he goes, you Irish people, he goes, you just age horribly, but you live forever. Yes. It's kind of true. I have talked about this a lot. I've noticed it.

I forget where I was. I was someplace and I was in the woods, and I noticed this tree that it just completely crumbled over, and someone who knows a lot about trees was this, and he said, yeah, that's a, yeah, that's a, I forget if it was a poplar tree. He said they're junk trees. And I said, what do you mean? He said, they grow up real quick. They grow real fast.

They look good. And then they just dry out and fall apart and muck up the yard and just end up in a heap of shitty wood. And I remembered saying, that's the Irish, we, you know, and you're exactly right. Being Irish people are so gorgeous, and all of my nephews and nieces are such beautiful, and they all look like little kids that put on little suits and got on the Titanic, you know, off to America, and it's all going to go well, and they're so good-looking, you know, cut to them being pulled out of the frozen ocean, but I'm sorry, but they look

great. They look fantastic. And then we all start to, that's why I was always in such a hurry in my TV career. I thought, I've got to get going fast because my face, when I was 30 or my late 20s, I had sharp cheekbones and this shock of hair. And in the right light, I kind of cleaned up okay. And I thought, I got to move fast because this face is going to get fat and red. And my body's going to start to fall apart, and I'm going to live a long time, but look

awful, and I've got to make it now. And that fueled me. Do you understand what I'm saying? Yes, I do, but look, speaking of Yeats, who writes about getting old better than a guy like Yeats? Well, you know what Yeats did as he got older? No. I believe this isn't just some wives tale, but I think it's a true story about Yeats

that late in life, he wanted to rejuvenate his sexual ability, so he went in for some kind of weird surgery where they like put a monkey gland, you know, down near his private areas. I'm not kidding. I think Yeats was into that. And if I'm wrong, may I be sued by the Yeats Foundation? I believe Yeats was into that. Someone can look it up if they want, but I think he was mucking around.

Wait a minute. Yeats, you're literally sitting here saying one of the great turn of the century Irish psychic slash writers had work done, like he's one of the Kardashians. Yes. And not even work that was going to help him appear better, but would help him function in the bedroom, which is something no Irish person cares about. Exactly. We're not known for like, exactly the other thing.

Irish guys aren't like, you know us, we're known for really pleasuring a woman for long, long time. We're not physical, we have psychological people, mental. Yes. We give women orgasms by bitterly complaining about our childhoods in a kind of witty way. Exactly. Oh wait, there's a note coming in. Yeats.

Yes. Check this out. This is in real time. The talk though exaggerating was not far from a bizarre truth. Yeats approaching old age with determined reluctance had signed up at the clinic of a London sexologist. There he learned of a long sequence of scientific research by the medical profession begun with a French doctor injected himself with an extract taken from the testicles of guinea

pigs and dogs. So there's your great Irish poet. You just, I was going to say, thank you for you ruining your way about the age for me. Yeah, just because he wanted to get off six more times in his life, he jammed a rat up his ass. It's a man. There's a great man. I'm devastated, but go on.

All right, well listen, I want to get back to your book, but I want to talk to you a little bit first. Our paths have crossed many times over the years. You worked at Serenade Live. We weren't working at Serenade Live at the same time. I was over doing the late night show. You were writing at Serenade Live and then you were doing a weekend update for a while. Right.

And you know that you're adored. Everyone in comedy just adores you. And then there's this term that follows you around, the comics comic. How do you feel about that? You're the comics comic. I feel very good about that because, first of all, I have no choice. If I left it up to the audience, I would starve to death in the night, but also from day one, when I started comedy, I would bomb every night and the comedians would come in and

watch me. I was trying to get the audience to laugh. They hated me and the comedians loved me. It's just the way it is. Yeah. You would come on my show many times over the years as a guest and your speech pattern is not there to please people. I know.

Your speech pattern is very authentic. You say things very quickly and you kind of swallow some of the words and you mutter things that are absolutely hysterical. And you clearly, there's some part of you that's saying, this is who I am. You can appreciate it or you can fuck yourself. Is that, am I wrong there? I mean, I didn't do that intentionally, but it must be, it's a deep psychological thing that's true.

If you had asked me, I would have said, I'm coming out and doing my material. But when you really look at it, it must have been so deeply rooted that I would not even see that. But yes, that's not what's been going on. That's probably why I was a comics comic because they liked that kind of thing. Even though to me, I'm just innocently going up trying to share my material. Well, also what I noticed that you used to do habitually as a guest, which is you'd like to kind of dig yourself a hole and then get yourself out of it.

It's almost like a psychological need to, I want to put some distance between the crowd and I'm not even saying this was conscious, but you wanted to put a little distance there and then get them back. Is that possible? Unconscious. Yeah. I mean, if I did, it's unconscious. There's people that did that.

Like you look at Larry David. I watched Larry David do that when he used to stand up and I was like, look at this. He's being ridiculous. He would go up there and go, I'd like to use the two form with you people. I feel, you know, to not use the vote form. And I was like, okay, unless you took French, how are they supposed to get that job? Yeah. No, he would say, he used to say, and this I've heard this from many people who witnessed

it, Larry David used to tell comics backstage. This is before Seinfeld, before he had, you know, gone on to do curb your enthusiasm. No one knew who he was. He'd come out there and he really needed the gigs. He needed the money. This is how he was surviving. He'd come and he would tell them backstage, I'll do some material. And then I'm going to do my two vu joke, I think, which was, should I use the familiar

two form? Yeah. Should I be more formal with you people and use the, I don't know if you stand or, or use the vu form? He said, and I'm not sure which way we should go. Is it the two or the vu? And he said, if they laugh at that, I know they're going to like me. And if they don't, I know that the rest of the set is going in the toilet.

So he would go out there and he would start getting a few laughs and then he would say, I like you. I like you as a crowd. Yeah. And he would use the two form of the vu crowd and if they crowd didn't respond to that, he'd lose his temper and start yelling at the audience and I've asked him about this and he'd be like, it's true, that's what I did. That's what I did.

He would, he would completely commit suicide on stage over that one joke. Yes. It's psychology. It's a funny thing how it, how it manifests itself for all of us, you know, like on stage, like he was saying about me, I never knew I did that and he probably never knew he did that. And he also used to go, which was a very funny joke at work, he goes, you people are witnessing an amazing thing right now.

You're witnessing someone doing exactly what they want and dreamed of their whole life and it's still miserable. Did you, did you enjoy doing weekend update? Did you like it? Speaking of psychology, I, I was very impoverished. I'd go back and forth a lot. In retrospect, it was not really for me and Lauren knew it, but it was too, it wouldn't yank me, but it was not, it was not a great fit.

I was much happier writing and doing little update segments. Those who are happy stays at SNL. It's so funny. I experienced this and you did too and so many people, Jim Downey, Lauren Michaels has a soft spot as a, as a Jewish man from Canada. He has this strange, he has this sort of obsession with Irish, got Irish comedians and Irish writers. He, I mean, God knows he changed my life and did wonderful things for me.

And for you, I know, was he involved in your one man shows, which I saw on Broadway. He produced the Irish weight, the first one. Yeah. I saw that show and it was fantastic. I loved it, except the parts about Irish people, except for that 95% I was, I was with you all the way. I could see Lauren wanting you to be, do update. And then maybe it's a good fit.

Maybe it's not a good fit. You're not sure, but Lauren not wanting to go tell you, you know, maybe, maybe update isn't it for you. That's right. No. He was the head of the source bar. I mean, look, even the fact that he lets people work there for 50 years, there's people that have been there since 1975.

Oh, I know. It's strange. It's like they're people that have been living on an island way too long, you know, and their frame of reference is completely off, you know, and they'll be reminiscing about that great host from 1976, Gloria Gaynor, and you're like, what are you talking about? They're like, maybe she'll come back. That would be a good host. Let's get Shields and Urinell on the show.

Howard Hesman. Yeah. Oh, if we could get Hesman on the show, we'd be back on track. I don't know who this JLo person is, but if we could bump her and get Howard Hesman. Yes, I'm very familiar with that aspect of the show, these people that have been there for Jesus since like Watergate. That's the soft side of it, you know, people don't realize is that he would never get rid of you.

He's loyal to people, which was employees like that to the end. You learned, as did I, I think we both have a thing which is we like to talk, we like to gab. It's the curse of our people. Sometimes the biggest laughs I get are when I'm not saying anything and I'm just staring at the guest and you can find this beauty in these silences which is something I didn't know about. It wasn't part of the culture of being an Irish Catholic comic or an Irish Catholic

comedy writer or performer or someone who was obsessed with comedy. What about you? Is that something you felt like you got better at? Yeah, I mean, I feel like, yes, I feel like this, like when I started comedy, I would say you have to come out and prove yourself. And this is going to sound very weirdly, but that rushing to speak when you come on stage, I'm not saying to take Jack Benny or one of these guys, but I'm saying, but rushing out to try to prove yourself also was kind of an Irish thing, was always a bad move because

it shows you're trying to get them, instead of taking a second to get your bearings. You know what I mean? I know that's not what you're talking about, but I'm just saying- No, it is. It is. It is. It is because what I always do is I try to prepare. I try to have good ideas.

I try to have a plan, but I always tell myself just before I go out, if it's a big crowd or just a regular show, I try to tell myself, leave space to find it because and find out who they are and what's happening out there in that moment. So I walk out there and I'll move around the stage, but I won't say anything right away and it's just trying to find out what's the energy, what's happening, and it took me a while to get comfortable enough to do that. That's right. I agree with that.

I should do that on the podcast. I should just not speak for the first half hour, you know, and let you Colin get uncomfortable I was uncomfortable before you got here. We had a quick time player incident. We had a lot of stuff going on. You don't know. No, no, no. Trust me.

I'm going to make sure that that has been included in the podcast because it was too good. I was waiting. They kept saying, no, Colin's not ready yet and then I saw my technician back out of the room backwards with a look of shock and I was like, what's wrong? And he said, he's on a telephone. He's on a telephone. He doesn't know that we need to do this through a computer.

And then you were looking for a computer and I think you made one out of some maple wood. Is that true? Let's go to that whole conversation now and the moment before just to take us to break it. Yeah. I think it's worth it. I don't understand. Is that like a bandana around your neck?

Is that like an affectation or is that? I know. That's actually, I use that as a mask during, I'm going to hate to break it to you. There's something called COVID out there. COVID-19. I know that you're a denier as most Irish are, but I wear this thing and then I can put it up easily. So no, it's not an affectation.

I wish it was. It's called a fucking mask. What's that thing you got around your head? It's very like, you know, Luftwaffe 1941. Well, that's, can I say something? I happen to disagree with a lot that the Nazis did a lot, trust me, a lot, but the Luftwaffe had, they, they dressed nicely. Yes.

They did dress nicely and Hugo Boss designed the outfits for the Luftwaffe and the Gestapo. So you telling me I'm dressed like I'm in the Luftwaffe, I'm like, thank you. That's a compliment because they spent much more time on the cut of their uniforms than they did figuring exactly how they should be bombing Britain. We have a lot to talk about Colin and I'm glad we figured out the tech stuff and I, I want to make sure that all of that is in there. Um, wait, oh, we're not finished with the tech stuff. Oh, oh, okay.

My team is telling me now that, that apparently we're not even close to Colin. What happened? What happened? We're not finished with the tech stuff. Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but I turned it, I shut it down. It's just for legal purposes, so when we have all of them, yes, yes, cause, cause Colin,

I hate to break it to you, but I am suing you. I'm going to sue you and this is going to be part of the lawsuit. Oh, okay. By the way, being interested in full disclosure, I'm never sending you guys this recording. Trust me, if you did send it to us, I know that you would mail it to us in like a bulky brown package and it would show up the way the Maltese Falcon shows up in that movie. It would be covered in wax paper. I swear to God, we're putting this stuff in there.

Do you hear me? Speaking of Falcons, are you into falconry with that thing on your hand? I have a little mini cast around my hand because I injured my thumb two years ago and every now and then it flares up, but if you're going to make fun of me for my ailment and say that I look like I'm into falconry, I'm now taking the thumb brace off because it's there attached with Velcro. So there, I no longer look like a falconer in the Luftwaffe. Do you have a microphone we're using?

Where's your microphone? Oh, no, I can't get my mic cut. Why, hold on. Oh, for God's sake. Oh, geez. What? He doesn't need a microphone. Does he need a microphone?

No, where did he go? He just left. Okay, come back. Colin. What did you do? No. Come back. You don't need a microphone.

You don't need a microphone. I was confused for a second by the sheer breadth of your unprofessionalism. Yeah, let's do it. Colin, we... It's like... Let's start with the thing in the chop. And then we're good. Uh-huh.

Okay. Let's begin the podcast. We already began, we're 2.15. Very good. That's your cholesterol, Colin. That's not the time. That's your cholesterol. Too soon.

I had a heart attack two years ago. Uh-huh. It's not too soon. By making that joke, I'm helping you stay aware of your cholesterol levels and showing real concern. Yeah, baby. So you should thank me. I took it the wrong way.

Thank you. Yeah. And sorry about the heart attack. It should have been a research. It says right here at the top, don't mention cholesterol. He had a heart attack two years ago. I should have read that part. See, I think we have a great podcast already with what's just happened.

I do too, yeah. Okay, ready when you are. Okay, back to chat now for this one. Okay. There's nothing there except he doesn't need a mic. I hate it here. I absolutely hate it. I hate it at my own podcast.

You've written this book, which I again, I'm going to, I'm going to plug throughout rather than waiting to the end overstated a coast to coast roast of the 50 States. You've written this book that I really do love. And I think we have something in common, which is I love history and you go through state by state. And what I love about the book is very funny. You say, here you are in Louisiana. One time I landed at the airport and the cab driver who was at least 400 pounds stopped

halfway through the trip and made me get out and pump gas while he went into the store to pay and pick up some goodies. And he came out with a six pack of beer and open one while he was driving me and offered me one and it was 1030 AM. That's New Orleans. But you're approaching this in the way that I personally agree with, which is we're not better than any of these people. You're just noticing.

That's clearly we're in a moment right now, a national moment that's really terrifying. But you, there's a lot of affection in here. Yeah. I mean, I've really, you know, I would say the country really grows on you after a while. And I feel like people are like so definitive nowadays. They're just completely rigid. This country is either the worst place or the best place. And there's no in between, no contradiction.

There's no nuance. It's so ignorant. But these are the two sides that run things. Even the expression, oh, that person is a both sides are all you mean, they're trying to find a place. We compromise. We don't cut each other's hearts out in the street. Yeah.

If that's a both sides are unique, it's crazy. How do you feel about comedy right now? There's a lot of angry comedy business. You know, it's a smokescreen because you're not getting laughs. So you think you're being transgressive. But if you're not getting laughs, you maybe you can claim yourself a prophet, a philosopher. You can't say you're a comedian. If you're not a listening laughter, that's not comedy.

But there's this myth of the Lenny Bruce type comedian where everybody still wants to live in this, you know, imaginary smoke filled state where this guy's blowing the, you know, the middle class people's minds, you're not shocking anybody. What's shocking is if you're being funny. So I'm saying a lot of people will try to be like, man, like you said, like I, I made people uncomfortable. It's like, you're right. That's not the definition of comedian.

Listen, and I'm not saying don't make people uncomfortable if you're getting laughs. When Lenny Bruce spoke against the Catholic church, for example, that was speaking truth to power. I was actually 60. That was could have got him killed, could did get him arrested. But nowadays I'm not saying you should make fun of the Catholic church. Of course you should. But the thing is that the states are not nearly what they were because the other thing too

is there used to be in the forties and fifties and in sixties, you could ruin your career. Your career could be over if you spoke truth to power. If you got out of line, if you were the Smothers Brothers famous example and and your show was very vocally anti-war and it was on prime time television, right on one of three networks. Anybody who hasn't had a hundred death threats on social media hasn't been on social media and they'll take two comments and go, I spoke and I got death threats. Everybody gets death threats on social media. It's nothing.

It doesn't make you but people want to use that to make themselves seem like they're taking edge. You know, if you're a comedian in the Ukraine right now, that's speaking truth to power with his actually consequences. You end the book with one of my favorite quotes of all time, which I can't believe more people aren't citing right now and I will get to that. Is it Yates? It is not Yates.

Well, you do have a quote in here about Yates, which is, tried to do it last night, had some trouble, the Mrs. was unhappy. I've heard about this. This is great. Heard about this scientist who says, I should get a hamster and shove it up my ass as it tries to fight its way out. It will excrete an oil and this will give new potency to my erections well off to the doctor.

That was one quote you put in there. I can't believe you put that in there. What? Who writes well off to the doctor, by the way? Who writes that? This is a great writer. I can't believe Yates did that. Who does that?

Although Yates does have one of the greatest quotes of all time, which is, the worst of filled with passionate intensity, the best lack of all conviction, which is kind of relevant to today's society. No, it is. You make this great point in the book. You're sort of bringing it out at the United States because people keep everyone in this moment is trying to figure out, is this country on the precipice of something cataclysmic and you said the US is a 50 statewide couples counseling session and we're thinking about

filing for divorce, but we're not sure. And I thought that's a very apt description, I think, of where we are, which is this is the price of being in America, which is we're a big country. We're an extremely diverse country. We have completely different ecosystems on one land mass and completely different histories and values. And so, of course, it's messy. And like a divorce couple, we fight over money.

That's true. We do. And then we realize, hey, it's a 50-50 state, it's LA, she'll get half of what I've made. I'll have to keep doing the talk show longer. This isn't me, I'm saying, I'm just saying, this is my analogy for where Mark is right now. And then Liza's like, well, wait, you know, if you're so unhappy, why don't you just leave? And I'm like, no, no, no, Liza, Liza Powell, O'Brien, we can't afford that.

You know, I'm not going to be cut in half financially, and the kids come in and they're crying and Beckett's like, fuck you, dad, Nev is like, you know, you're so selfish, you're always about money, can't you see mom's crying? And I'm like, quiet. But anyway, that's America right now, in my opinion, and that has nothing, nothing to do with me. No, I didn't take it that way. You know, various people have various degrees of talent.

Some people have a stunning amount of talent, and some people have less and some people you don't even know where they're coming from. But to me, the game changer is who understands that it's about work. And that's something that I think really has always set you apart. You're such a good thinker and writer. And I look at this, as again, I'll say it again about your book. So many comedians can just put out a book and they fill it up with some pictures and some quick, funny ideas, and they know that they'll make a quick buck.

And you've got so many funny ideas in this book. It's really just loaded with them. I do feel if you put the effort in, the truth will out. Do you hate compliments? Do you have a hard time with compliments? I don't. I'm actually loving it. So how are you with criticism?

I'm not as good with it. I pretend to enjoy it. I'll be like, hmm. And then my eyes widen and I'm furious, but I'm like, hmm. Right. You would say, Sonia, I'm terrible at people try to compliment me and I'll see the way that it's an insult. Yeah.

I actually, I mean, I'm surprised Colin likes it. I thought it was like an Irish thing to not take compliments very well. I don't know. I once saw Carmel Quinn. She's an old Irish singer. And she was on stage and she did a joke. She goes, here's an Irish woman getting a compliment from her husband, darling, you look beautiful tonight.

Oh, shut up. No, it's true. It is true. It's like a, it's not just an Irish thing. It's sort of a UK, there's something in the, in the United Kingdom, I think in general, you know, include Ireland, Scotland, Wales, England, you can't. I think we all accept it. Occasionally I'm around somebody.

I was talking to the great actor Malcolm McDowell recently and we know each other a little bit and he's just, I think he's from Liverpool, but he's just so funny and he was so great. Just right away picking up on Conan, you're an ass, you're a fool. You know, I can't believe they let you on television. It's an abomination and he's doing all that. And I'm laughing, I'm laughing and his wife is saying, no, no, stop it, stop it. And then she started saying, Conan, he doesn't mean it. He really does love you.

And I want to say to her, trust me, this is how we talk to each other because the worst thing I could say to Malcolm McDowell is, you know, you really are an amazing actor. He'd never talked to me again. Do you know what I mean? Or if he said to me, I really do think that you have a quick mind, I would never speak to him again. Yeah, yeah. That's how we are with each other.

That's why I'm complimenting your book because I don't ever want to have to talk to you again. I totally want you out of my life, so I thought, how do I do it? And then it occurred to me, I know, I'll just tell him how much I love the book and I'll tell him I read it when I haven't read a book since 1978. You end the book and I'm going to, I'm going to read this quote because I love this. You sort of make this point at the end that it's up to us America and you do it in this great way, which is you quote, my favorite person is Abraham Lincoln and he says, all

the armies of Europe and Asia could not by force take a drink from the Ohio River or make a track on the Blue Ridge in the trial of a thousand years. Now if destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of free men, we will live forever or die by suicide. That's how you end your book. And I was so, I like teared up when I read that because it's one of my favorite quotes. Lincoln understood no one's conquering this country and destroying it except us. Right, right.

It was so weird that it seems like that's what's happening now, you know. Yeah. And it was happening then. We've been here before. I think the internet is what's accelerating everything and making it much more intense. But we've been here before and with any luck, if we get to keep going, we'll be in this place again. Well, what saved us last time was an alcoholic president.

We need a president that's an alcoholic like Ulysses Grant. Can you expound on that place? Well, I'm glad you asked me that. I'd love to just say, oh yeah, of course, but I'm not going to because I don't know what you're talking about. Well, I mean, you need somebody while everybody's freaking out and everybody's like, oh my God, you don't need somebody who is exacerbating or who's just tense or freaking out. You need somebody who's like, ah, it's fine.

And I guess that's what Grant must have been. Wait a minute. Wait a minute, I know that you, I'm going to assume you've read Ron Cherno's recent book, Grant, which I did cover to cover, but no, Ulysses Grant was not stumbling around the White House all the time burping and knocking off cans of forties and like banging them around the floor and saying, it is fine. That's not who he was. Well, guess what?

Well, I just praised you for having all this historic knowledge and now you've reduced Grant to this tipsy, lovable drunk who was too sourced to do anything about the country and that ended up being a good thing. Is that what you're saying? I'm saying that if he wasn't a drunken maniac stumbling around the White House, I guarantee Ron Cherno was disappointed when he started doing that and found out that he wasn't. He must have been like, what am I doing right in this book? Yeah.

He was like, I know how to do Grant, he'll have all these great stories of him mooning out the second floor of the, getting totally trashed and then he found out, yeah, he struggled with alcohol and it was a problem, but throughout his presidency, he really had it under control and he showed a lot of, showed a lot of restraint and yeah, yes. And then there were these interesting issues to, oh shit, this isn't a good book. This is a terrible book. All I'm saying is sometimes a drunk can be a good, I mean, a lot of leaders, look at Winston Churchill.

I mean, he wasn't an alcoholic per se, but he was what they call a heavy hitter and he smoked like, he smoked like 20 cigars a day. Obviously he had a lot of issues and he was a great statement. My favorite, one of my favorite quotes about Churchill was I asked a friend of his, do you think Churchill's an alcoholic? And his friend said, oh my God, no, no alcoholic could drink that much. He's like, that's a great book, but look, logically, look at it this way, look at Trump. Trump doesn't drink, doesn't smoke.

So he takes all that subliminal psychological, that psychotic thing and focuses on the country. Yes. Better if he was drinking heavily and smoking cigarettes, some of his self-loathing would be channeled into these vices. Absolutely, instead of into us. Yeah. Let's hope that he starts drinking heavily. The next president is going to be a, it's going to be a, a method maybe.

Can I just ask you one question because we're about out of time, but this entire interview, you've been holding a stack of money and waving it around in my face to make points. And it looks like a couple of fives, five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, it looks like you've got about $40 there and you were waving it around. Why are you, I'm not a stripper. Why are you? It's $67. Okay.

Okay. Why are you holding $67 in your hand and pointing it at me when you make a point? Because I don't know, you know, all the great actors, they always have like, they say, oh, this is what informed my performance like Marlon Brando, oh, I stuff that in my mouth cotton and suddenly I was the godfather. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Great technique. So for this conversation, as a man of letters, first of all, you should have seen a symbolism now that I think about it. Even I didn't know what I was doing. Lincoln. Yeah. There he is. You see money.

I see history. Okay. Okay. Wow. You just shamed me. You just shamed me. You're so full of shit. I love it.

I love it. You ruined Ireland's premier poet. Love it for me. That's what I'm taking out of this digital book. I'm sorry. Yates was an amazing poet. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I am a amazing poet. One of the great poets of all time and I love Yates, but he couldn't get it up anymore. He sought out a rat and a hamster and wanted to squeeze out their essential oils and shove it up his ass. And I can't, when I read Yates, which I do from time to time, that's something I think about. Okay.

How badly do you want an erection? How badly! I don't want rat oil up there! Oh, man. You're a great man, Colin Quinn. You really are. Thanks, Colin. You're too good. You're a great man, and the book is overstated. A Coast to Coast Rose for the 50 States. And you know what? It's really funny and, I will say, elegiac and packed with great imagery and intelligence and a fine piece of work from a fine man. Colin, thank you so much for doing this.

Thank you, Colin. And for Christ's sake, next time we talk, I want you to be prepared. I want you to have a real computer. You know, we did this through a Commodore, and you hooked it up to rabbit ears from a TV set from 1967. Thank you, Colin Quinn. Thank you so much. I wanted to alert you guys to an article that's been written about Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Oh, okay. As you know, I don't read my press. People just sort of tend to give me the gist, like, ooh, you are hated, or you dodged another bullet. What's this one? Well, you don't need to worry, even after I give you the gist, about being able to decipher what the point is, because it's from the Pledge Times article,

and it's clearly been translated from another language by an AI or Google or something into English. Wait, can you slow down a little bit, because I don't understand what that means. What does that mean? I think that this article was originally written in another language, but some kind of platform translated it into what it thinks is English, and when I read some of it, you're going to understand what I mean. Okay. This is a Google translated foreign article about our podcast. This should be interesting. As best as I can figure. Let's see if we can decipher some of it. So these are just highlights. Identified for his personal TV speak present, American Conan O'Brien immediately makes top-of-the-line podcasts on this planet. I think that's pretty good.

This is fantastic. Where am I called again? American what? TV speak present. You know what? I am an American TV speak present. That's great. Here we go. How what number of podcasts are there on a dozen random Avenue customers? No less than 13. What is this? So far, I understand everything. This is how my brother Luke talks, by the way. Luke, if you're out there, this is what you sound like to me. The provision of podcasts is so overflowing that there are in all probability an infinite variety of high quality podcasts as nicely.

Okay. So what they're saying is we have a good podcast, but there are so many of them out there that are really good. It doesn't really matter which one you listen to. Your guess is as good as mine. I think so. So many of your good podcasts? No, no. Just so many podcasts of high quality in general. Is that what they mean? Is that what it means? I think that's what it means.

All right. Yeah, which is fair. There's a lot of great podcasts out there. Who are we to say we're any better than any of them? Yeah. Okay. I guess. False monesty. False monesty. Go ahead. I know. All right. Personally, I've left, and this is all one word, media mazimani, just one podcast, which I pay attention to recurrently. It's Conan O'Brien wants a buddy. Conan O'Brien wants a buddy?

Wants a buddy. Wants a buddy. Okay. Well. Together with his assistant, the second presenter of the podcast, Sonam of Sessian, with normally simply going through the stink. What? What? I'll read that again.

I'll read that again. You only have to read the second part again. We know what second presenter, Sonam of Sessian, and then it gets crucially important. Listen. Sonam of Sessian with normally simply going through the stink. Well, is it not true that you normally simply are going through the stink? Yeah. Are you the stink? Am I just going through? I don't know what you've revealed to this reporter. You clearly had some sort of...

You think I spoke to them? I think you spoke to them, and you revealed a lot about yourself. That's insanity. Yeah. As well as... Oh, good. Oh, good. The producer of The Present, Matt Gorely, brings its personal addition to the episodes. Conan's speak-present profession has turned to the conditional aspect.

He was close to the highest for a very long time, popped proper on high, and rapidly dropped out of there because the countless stupidity of the present enterprise pamphlets. Oh, what? That sounded like a burnt meat. Yeah, it's like a sick burn. I don't know. I think. Wait, so I was doing well, and then I popped out because of the present pamphlet? Yeah.

Enterprise pamphlets. Present enterprise. You were on top, and then you fell. But, I mean, we all know that. But it gets really philosophical here following that. Apparently, nevertheless, each wall actually is a door, as now Conan makes top-of-the-line podcasts on this planet. Oh!

Okay, so I fell, and I encountered a door, but then that... I mean, I encountered a wall, but that had a door through it, and then I became a podcaster. Yes. And that put me back on top. So you failed as a TV host, and then you thrived in the podcast medium. Great. Terrific. Thank you for underlining that.

So you failed. You were really good, and then you failed at it. Yes. Yes. Yes, apparently. I failed terribly. Yeah. Okay.

Conan's peculiarity, a weird mixture of self-delittling, openness to psychological well-being, comedian language, historical past fanaticism, lightning-fast improvisation, and a community gathered through the years of one of many brightest friends match into an intimate podcast format higher than another dialogue I've ever heard. You know what? I'm going to take that. That was fantastic. That actually, for a second, the computer became alive because I'm so good.

The computer was like, it broke through and said, damn it, this human is worth saving. Yes. Or this is the moment that Skynet becomes self-aware and the first thing it's chosen is Conan. That was a beautiful sentence in its own way and very true. And I do think, I think the robots are becoming self-aware. I think the internet's becoming self-aware. And the first thing it's doing is saying, Conan O'Brien is a great podcaster of all humans. He should be the king when we take over.

Isn't that what you guys got? Yeah, I'm getting that. Yeah. What I was going to say was, I think it's really nice that all those things come across, even though they don't seem to understand English very well. Your self-deprecating humor, your improv skills. It's nice. It ended up being, is that it?

Is it done? No, there's just two little more. Okay. Can I just say, yeah, I mean, other than the fact that I failed with my media pamphlets, but then went and hit a wall that turned out to be a door, I'm so far I'm okay with this review. This is one of the nicer reviews I've ever heard. Yeah, and I think it gets better from here. As well as Conan's fashion works higher in longer interviews than briefly speak present grunts.

I haven't laughed with another podcast as a lot. Extremely, the head of Conan's profession is outdoors of TV. Conan O'Brien wants a buddy on all the main podcast companies. Oh my God. First of all, doesn't this read a little bit like EE Cummings? You know, it's got like a sort of a weird, it's like a very modernist poet. It's got a little bit of Joyce in there. It's a stream of consciousness kind of thing.

Yes. Yes, it feels a little like, it's a little Ulysses Finnegan's wake sort of teamed with an old modem. It's melting down because someone put cheese in it. He couldn't ask for a better review. That's really good. That's the pledge times and those are just selected highlights. That is fantastic. I want that robot doing my eulogy.

When I go, and I hope it's not for a long time, but when I go, so no, look into it. I want everyone to come show up. Sorry, but yes, the caskets there. And then they put this computer up on the altar. Now six feet under Conan was once the present. But his emphasize pamphlet in ground. Lost Conan, live no more. Heart unbeat, clown, foolish propaganda fell.

Now forever, God's arms holding. Food for worms, I knew him. Body moldering slowly. Death auto erotic asphyxiation. Unfortunate, not mentioned press pamphlet. Secret till now. O'Brien was belt self choked. Explains it.

O'Brien found old poster, Farrah faucet. My God. Family not told. Computer mistake just made. Sorry all. Wife crying. Best funeral ever. I can't wait.

Trust me. You know what I'll do? I'll fake it. I'll fake my death. Please. That computer, I want it to be like a bad late 70s Commodore early 80s. And I want it, I want it, I want it dressed in a black suit. And put up there with this crappy old computer.

Sad BI. And knows the secrets you haven't told anyone. And then the computer for some reason. It talks about me very briefly and then goes into the, the embarrassing way that I died and it goes on and on at length for two hours because it gets stuck in a cycle. And people like my wife leaves, my kids are ushered out. And it just keeps going on and on.

Belt used. It's type of belt. The color of the belt. Oh man. Undoing sex was. Wow. Incredible. That's fantastic. I salute you for bringing that to our attention.

That is a joy. Yep. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Conan O'Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Salatarov and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Cocoa Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message.

It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa Production in association with Earwolf.