Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Conan Must Go: Cami (Argentina)

Episode Date: November 23, 2023

Conan talks to Cammy from Buenos Aires about her work as a translator, the rules of dating, and Conan’s potential as a wingman. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link: https://siriusxm.com/conan. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Camie. Hey, Camie. It's Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Hi, Matt.

Hi, Conan. Hi, Sona. Sorry about Sona. She's a little messed up, but we'll get her here. Hold on. Conan threw a box of tissues at me right before we started. Not true, Cammy. Yeah.

Lies, all lies. Only there was someone here who could corroborate either way. Nope. If only. So, Cammy. I'm going with Sana on this one. Thank you. I'm sorry, Conan.

I already like her. I'm sorry. Cammy. I really like you too, you know. Cammy, I want to start this interview in a professional manner. It's very nice to meet you, Cammy, and you are coming to us from where? Where are you right now in the world? Buenos Aires in Argentina.

Beautiful. Argentina, if I said it in Spanish. Argentina. Buenos Aires, Argentina. Not bad, right? Yeah. Not bad. Not bad.

What's wrong with it? Buenos Aires. I said not bad. Oh, it's superb, Conan. There you go. Superve. Thank you. Now you know.

Best pronunciation I have ever heard. No words. No words. You can't pull it off. Tell us what you do, Cammy. What is your profession? I'm a translator. You're a translator.

You're a translator. This is perfect. This is perfect. So are you saying that... How so? Well, I'm saying that, let's say, I'm a man that likes to travel. Let's say I was in Buenos Aires.

Where? Buenos Aires. Not familiar. Buenos Aires, Argentina. Let's say that I was there. Would you be able to help translate for me? I would, but if we have an issue. What's that?

I told one of your producers on the pre-interview that I didn't want to meet you because I never meet your idols. Wait a minute. Wait, say that again. You don't want to meet me. Why? Because I said don't meet your idols. So, sorry, buddy.

Because you're just saying you idolize me. Of course. Kimmy. Oh, my lord. As well, I saw an end, Matt. Yeah. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Sure.

You started strong. And now it just sort of petered out. No, no, no. There's like a Thanksgiving. There's the turkey. Yum, yum. And there's a little yam over. And there's Christmas and New Year's.

Yeah, I don't eat turkey. So. There's a little bit of a betel nut or something. Listen. So, Camie. Conan, I don't eat turkey. Okay. Wow.

We are not getting along. Cammy, allow me to translate. Yeah, this is hard. I thought it was going to be amazing. Cammy, here's the, let me try and get to the essence of the situation here. You live in Buenos Aires. You work as a translator. You're an actual fan of, you listen to the podcast.

Of course. Okay. And you say that you don't want to meet me because you don't want to meet one of your idols. I'm very honored that you would say that. I do think that if you met me in person, you'd be an even bigger fan. I'm sure. Why, you shook your head, no. Listen, I'm a translator of human, of human behavior,

and you shook your head no as you said, yes, yes. And you shook your head no as you said yes. So you're a man of many hats, I see. Of many heads? Hats. Oh, I'm sorry. Thank you. Now you guys are translating English for me.

Fantastic. Well, maybe my English is bad. No, no, your English is terrific. Kemi, tell me about your life. Tell me a little bit about your life and if there's any way that I can help you because you say you're a fan and I'd like to help you. Okay, my life, guys, is boring, very and interesting, but I try to find the funny in it. In fact, your run, you're on Conan and Sonas rant about pens at the end of the Shkielan episode. That gives me life.

Oh, my God. You don't having a day, I'll go listen to that. The pens, you mean the fact that I need a pilot precision grip pen? Bold, bold. Bold. Yes, and bold. It has to be bold, not fine, because fine pens are stingy with the ink. Yes.

These are the pens that I keep with me right now. These are the only pens I will use because they are generous with the ink. The attitude of the pen is there's more where that came from. You only live once. That's how these pens behave. They're not like, oh, ink is a valuable resource and must be saved. My precious ink. That's the fine point pens.

That's how they're behaving. Kemi, are you still a fan or did I talk you out of it during this conversation? No, I'm still a fan. I'm still very much a fan. But honestly, how much more you got in. Yes.

I think Cammy's a fan. No, I think I'm in it for the long run. Okay, that's it. Kemi, you say your life's boring. Why is it boring? What would spice up your life and how can I help? Spice of Elbe, maybe the Spice Girls.

Okay. I know. I love a 25-year-old reference. Those are fantastic. Yeah, me too. Yeah, yeah. I'm 37, so. That's very young. 37. You're young. You're very attractive. You've got your whole life ahead of you. You should be quite... Well, very attractive, you know. No. Yes, you are. Cammy. Cammy, you are a very attractive woman living in Buenos Aires. You are very desirable. Tell me about your life. Do you have a partner? Do you have anybody in your life right here? I do not have a partner. I'm single. I have friends. Okay. But not no benefits, just friends. Yes.

I'm married with no benefits. Oh, boy. I'm worried that you're married to a very smart woman. She's very smart, yes. That's a funny idea. Married with no benefits. Come on, someone, let's pitch that to the Fox network. Okay.

Okay, I'll do it, Conan. I'll pitch it. Yeah, you should probably have a better relationship with American television executives than I do. Cammy, so are you dating if I'm not being too person? I do go on dates. I get so bored, guys. Okay, what's the problem?

What is it you're looking for? Someone who can make fun of themselves. Uh-huh. Be funny. Okay. Like making fun of themselves. Yeah. So you like someone who has a self-deprecating sense of humor.

What about physically? What are you looking for physically? Well, I like, this is kind of hypocritical because I'm, I'm 5'2, but I like someone taller than six feet. Oh, okay. So self-deprecating you tall. Me being five-two, it's kind of, come on, Tammy. You don't need six feet.

What are you talking about? That's... I kind of do. You need a guy or a woman. I can't assume. A guy, a guy. A guy. I date men.

Okay, you date men. Only older. Only single. Wait, you date only men who are older than you and are, well, of course, single. Yeah, that, that one. makes sense but goes without saying but how much how much older than you do these men have to be oh as much as they can and it's not creepy well okay this is really interesting to me what's creepy there's that old formula what is it if you double you half your age and isn't there's a formula

at the popularity here that if someone is two Batman's younger than you. Two Batman's younger than you. Oh, that makes sense. So half of, wait a minute, half of Cammy's age is 18 more or less.

And then you add, like, seven or something. Seven. Can you look this up? The day age rule to determining a socially acceptable age difference in partners goes something like this. Half your age plus seven. Plus seven.

To define the minimum age of a partner and your age minus seven times. two okay you just I can't follow any of that well if she's 37 you multiply 37 by two add okay no just go half you have can we get can we get NASA on the phone deal so for her it would be eight and a half and a half plus seven okay no but she wants someone old no no she wants someone older than her so you have to do it the other way let's just say and I'm gonna be let me just ask and let's say that my wife was abducted by aliens oh okay

She wasn't. Let's say, no, no, no. Cammy, please. I think that's your answer. Cammy, please. She was abducted by a happier alternative. The aliens came to talk to my wife and she said, please take me with you.

But listen. I'm not going to be, I'm not going to be the first one after that. No, I'm not going to follow. 60 is the answer. No, no, what I'm saying. 60 is the answer for her. So you can't go above 60. You can't go above 60.

You can't go above 60. Now, is 60 seem creepy to you? Oh. I bet. Yeah. Okay. You're exactly 60. I'm exactly 60.

I just turned 60 a couple months ago. But you're not creepy, but... But come on, you just said, you just said, if you saw me, let's say you didn't know who I was, and you saw me walking down the street, tall, self-deprecating, you can tell because I'm sort of,

oh, look at me, I'm not so great. And would you then look at me and go, oh, but it's creepy, he's too old. Be honest. No, no, no, I think. Oh, Mike. Her voice, her pitch was so, Oh my God, Cammy.

I think she would be looking at you and being like, no, no, I wouldn't. Doing in Argentina. That would be something, yeah. Yeah. I would try to give you a little, some tips not to look so touristy. Well, I love that you're just assuming that. But wait, what about my physical appearance?

Is my physical appearance, forget what I'm wearing. Is my physical appearance touristy? Yeah, it's giving tourists. Why? Because I'm picturing you with a, I'm picturing you with one of those. bags from the from the magazine stores in the American airport like news whatever a duty free bags oh yeah a duty free bag no no no no those the ones that are from the magazine stands the ones that said like newsstand or whatever okay wow well you idolize me and yet at the same time you think

I'm a creepy old fool do you do you think you can I did not say that oh I did not say you're your first fight you too look at us bickering like old married. Cammy, I would like to help you because I think that as I said, you seem like a very funny, smart. I think you're very beautiful. I think you've got your youth.

You've got so much going for you. And I think it's crazy that Camie has not meant the right person yet. Agreed. Do you think that I would be a good wingman if I was out with you? Definitely. You think I would help you get dates?

I would like you three. to come on dates with me. Smart. Or even go on a date without me and just tell me. Pre-date. He's a good candidate. Wait a minute. Oh, yeah, I would love that.

You know what it could be like an America's Got Talent or, you know, like the voice where we're the three people in the panel. I don't think we're going to have that many men. Yes, we will. By the time we get done with this, we're going to have a lineup for you. Camie, you need to do a major attitude adjustment. Yeah. Because I don't, you're holding a lot of great cards here, Cammy.

And I think you should have a very, is that a skeletal hand that you're wearing around your neck? Are you wearing a. Yeah. Yeah, I got the, a person I killed, well, technically killed them. I mean, come on. Okay. I think I just found the problem. Cammy, I think I identified the problem.

She's beautiful. She's funny. She has just a great sense of, you know, sense of life and Yilan, and she wears a skeleton hand around her neck. And is maybe a vampire? Yeah, I got it, gold-plated. After, it was my first kill. Those are real human bones, you're saying. No, they're not.

They have the shape. It was made by an Argentine sculptress and an Argentine jewelry. It's called Argentine. Argentina. Argentina. Okay. I buy an Argentine. That's my favorite thing is to correct. An Argentine? Correct a translator who starts to be a paragraph.

I just love that. And Kemi, it's called Kami. Kami. Kami. Okay. Kami. Kemi. Am I saying, right? You're getting it. You're slowly getting there. Kami, paint a picture for me. Let's say I came to Argentina to Buenos Aires. And let's say I landed at El Aero Perto. And let's say that I came by your casa.

And let's say I took off my hat. Why were you wearing a hat? I don't know. I just love that I love a guy who chokes on the easiest word. And I put down my gatto, who I took with me on the plane. And let's just say that then you and and I went out to, would we go to a club? I'm trying to think, yes.

Let's go back to Permice One. We are not meeting in real life. Oh, come on. You're gonna like me. I have a, here's what I get a lot. No, but don't meet your idols. I'm a rule follower, dude. Sorry.

Well, okay, I do think you will meet me someday and you'll realize it's not such a big deal. Yes, there'll be a moment where you're like, oh my God, it's him. Oh, he's, oh, wow, God, he's tall. Oh, man, he's so good looking. Look at those cheekbones are like carved. Striking.

I'd be like, oh, he's striking. Yeah. And then you'd go, ooh, his age. And then you'd get over that. Wait, can I first say, can I first say, such a sigh for sore eyes. I always wanted to say that. Oh.

So that's what you'd say. If he showed up at your doorstep, you'd say such a sight for sore eyes. No, I'd say, don't meet your idols. I'm a rule follower. Sorry, Conan. Go away. You close the door in his face.

Would you really Sierra La Puerta on my face? I wouldn't open it. I have a thingy to look, so. It's where I was. Sierra La Porta. I'm killing it over here. I don't know what the problem is. I'm not opening the door.

I'm looking through the little thingy. What if he's in disguise? Oh. What if I'm wearing L. mustache? Yeah, I think I could still tell. You do? Okay. Well, yeah.

Listen, I think someday we are going to meet, you are going to get over it, those rules will crumble, and then we're going to go out, we're going to hit the clubs. I know Argentina. I don't want to hit the clubs. I'm 37. What are you talking about? I'm 20, 17. I'm much older than 37, and I'm desperate to hit the clubs for the first time. I've never been to the clubs.

Okay, I can get you someone to go there with you. I haven't. You don't like it when the music's pulsing. What kind of a club is that? I don't like crowds. What kind of a club is that? That's such a bad club. Well, actually, that's a club that they're still working on,

and they're using a hydraulic drill. I wasn't, my club is not finished yet. My club they're still working on. I haven't set putting a club in. What would you like to do with Conan? If you had your way and Conan's there and you can't avoid it, you have to do something with them. What are you going to do?

Yeah, let's get past the whole of don't meet your idols. Well, let that go. That's hurting our improv. That's gone. Let's pretend that we... Let's hear us and... Okay, yes. If you and I were to meet in Buenos Aires

and I took you out for a night to help you find a man, where do you think we would go? Oh, I would pre-schedule our date so you can come with me and... Oh, that's good. I like that. Yeah.

And so you'd be looking for a tall man who's older than you. Older. Yeah. Okay. Now, do you think I would be able to help you on this theoretical date? Oh, I'm hoping. At least it wouldn't be boring.

Well, I mean, first of all, I don't want to crush the guy's ego. And so, do you know what I mean? If you go to, it's intimidating enough to me to... Conan, have you met middle-aged white men? Well, yes, I have. I spent 20 years with a middle-aged white man. I was in his body. What are you talking about?

Do they do those seem like fragile? I know, but you haven't been around white men when they see Conan O'Brien up at the table. Sometimes they get a little rattled. It happens. So I would want to build him up, yes? I don't want to hurt your feelings, but he might not even...

And this is going to be harder for me than it is for you. I know. Might not even know who you are. Yes! Yes! I've used... Conan, I've used better. as a filter before.

Silenceio, Camis, silenceio! Cajel de la boca. Caillette la boca salatio! I've used that as a filter. You've used whether you know Conan O'Brien or not as a filter? Oh my God, Kenny, there's...

This is your problem. This is your problem right here. That and the fact that you're wearing a skeletal hand around your neck. Now, you should... They don't know Conan and O'Brien. They don't know. The love of my life, Larry David.

Uh-huh. Oh, you like Larry. The love of your life. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yes. Would you be willing to meet Larry David? No. This is my ideal scenario for a date slash relationship.

He's unwed in this scenario. This is my dream scenario, so I can do whatever else. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You identified yourself as idolizing me. And now within the course of like three minutes, three minutes, three minutes. You toss me over for Larry David?

Conan, it's different to idolize someone than you want to have a long-term relationship with them, where you also never meet them. First of all, my dream scenario. First of all, I've hung out with Larry David. I've hung out with Larry David. He's 76.

He's 76. Yeah, but he's Larry David, dude. Oh, oh, oh. So Conan O'Brien's a creep because he just turned 60, but Larry David is 76, and he's all that in a bag of chips? No, and I see you more like a very, very, very funny. person I look forward, I look up to, and like more

of a fatherly figure, but not old enough to me. Oh, my God. Where she sees Larry David is a sexy, contemporary. You see me as a father figure and you see Larry David as a potential lover? He's 16 years older than you. He's 16 years

older than me. Cammy, Cammy, Larry David could have legally driven me home from the hospital after I was born. And you're choosing him over me? You have a point. You have a point.

You have a point. Point made. You have point. But I haven't told you guys my dream scenario. Okay. Go ahead. I can't wait to hear it. Okay.

Let's hear the dream scenario. Okay. He's unwed in this dream scenario. Yeah. And we're going to have a date, but we keep canceling on each other for all eternity. And that's how we're happily ever after. Wow.

You're a very sick woman, Cammy. Very, very. sick woman. You say? Yes. No, infamom. Listen, I'm Cammy. First of all, I'm sorry, what's our marriage with no benefits got on this?

Listen, I'm going to tell you something. I've spent time with Larry David, a lot of time. And he smells like cabbage. He just does. He has sort of a cabbage odor. We're just canceling on each other over the phone, so. Okay. He has to be carried around. Did you know that? They use

AI for the TV show. He has a large man carrying him everywhere, and he has to be seated at most functions that I've been at with Larry David. I'm telling you, I think you're out of your mind. You know, I think you've gone. I'm going to take this to therapy on Wednesday. You're going to what?

I'm going to take this subject to therapy on Wednesday. You have a point. Yeah, please. Once again, you have a point. Talk about this. Well, listen, Kami. Oh, man, there's a lot of stuff to unpack here. We may meet, we may not meet, but I am going to prove to you that I am the better potential mate than Larry David.

But Conan, I don't want to go after Lisa. It's Liza. It's Liza, okay. And I shouldn't reveal this, but she walked out on me about four years ago. For Larry David. Yeah, she's living with Larry David. Apparently they're all really happy. It's a thruple.

I've enjoyed talking. No, no, no, but you need to have a woman in between Lysa. I've asked her. Whatever. I've always wanted a woman in between it. Oh, what? Raise the roof. He's back at the club.

Oh, no. You were on her case about the spice girls. And this is, you're doing raise the roof. Who let the dog down? Oh, God. You and I have the same musical taste. Everything begins and ends in 1994. Cammy, it's been

pretty much. It's been lovely talking to you. And don't be surprised if someday we do meet, we may meet. And you'll see that meeting your idols, it's not all it's cracked up to be. And you'll really learn that if you bump into Larry David. You're really talking yourself up.

Am I going to meet Sona then too? Well, she can. can't leave the country because she's here illegally but that's not true oh me it's not true you're right let's every time he has to see your papers you say i got to go oh who has to see papers but a weird way to ask for it why she had customs with you conan when you you were doing cona without borders why wasn't she with me it's a good get you're starting to understand now no no she may not be let back in but anyway listen uh i sponsored her here and We're waiting for a word.

Okay. From the consulate. Anyway, Camie, it was very nice to meet you. You're quite the character. You have a sparkling personality, and I wish you all the best. I really do. And I see that you're falling in love with me as we speak. Oh, no.

Or is that, that's probably gas. I don't, I don't, no, no, no. I'm probably falling in love with three of you guys. Oh, no, you're into that. I didn't. think I was that modern, you know. I didn't think I was that into weird couples of more than two people. But, you know, you're such a conservative woman with a skeletized hand around your neck. She wants a couple of skeletons hands on her necklace. I don't think I would be the finest conservative, but let's in this regard. Yeah. Well, as they say in Argentina, in Buenos Aires. Argentina. How do you say farewell? Do you just say adios? How do you like to say it? We say, chow. Ciao. Ciao.

Ciao. Or goodbye. Ciao. We say, you can't handle that one? No, I'm having to go. Goodbye. I don't know how to do that.

All right. Well, Cammy, very nice. Very nice to talk to you. And we'll love to do the, we'll talk. And then we'll never talk. We'll love that one. So we say, Abolamos, no, we'll see.

We'll see. We'll be. We'll see. We'll amlemos. Ablam. Ablam. We'll talk. We'll never.

Oblamos, oblamos, you know, yeah. Exactly, like that. And then we never talk to each other again. All right, take care. God bless. You two, guys. Please keep doing the podcast for all eternity. Well, tough stuff.

I'll listen to it with Larry. Bye, yeah. Bye, guys. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leiaw, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

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