Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Conan’s Number One Fan

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

Conan talks to Sona, his number one fan, about life with her two toddlers, slacking off in the middle of the day, and Team Coco fan fiction. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Conan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Conan. Okay, let's get started. Okay, normally this is a segment. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Where I talk to anyone in the world, United States or pretty much anywhere on this spinning blue marble we call Earth.

Who's a fan? It's been really fun. or pretty much anywhere on this spinning blue marble we call earth. Who's a fan? It's been really fun. It's been great to meet all these people. And then I realized, what are we doing? I mean, easily my two biggest fans are right in this room. What? I don't know what. When were you gonna tell us this is what you're doing?

I was going to tell you, and then I got distracted. We had sun chips, the sour cream and onion kind. And the, yeah, E.B. got sun chips. And so I had to eat about six bags as though it was really quickly. You're saying this episode is your two biggest fans, Matt and Sona. And you're just talking to those fans? Well, I think what I might do is focus on, clearly my biggest fan would be Sona.

Oh my God. You've got an edge to you. Yeah. So Sona. What are you talking about? Sona, where are you calling from? What are you saying? Where are you calling from?

I'm next to you. What are you doing? Yeah, but where are you next to me? Do you think this is, where are we? I'm trying to orient this. What do you think? I'm to your right. You're north of me, right?

That's west, I believe. Is it west? Oh, it's very important we figure this out. Well, fans like to know, geographic, so you're sort of more west towards the ocean and I'm kind of, you know, more inland. This is very stupid. How long have you been,

you've been a fan for a long time, right? How long have you been watching? Wait, what are you talking about? What are you doing? Well, you watched the old shows, didn't you watch one? I did watch the old shows. You watched them with your brother? Yeah.

Well, thank you very much. I'm glad you're a fan. No, no, no, I don't want to accidentally compliment you. I don't like this. Okay, what are you doing? Let's try this. Hi, Sona, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan. No, that makes the worse.

What are we doing? So it says here in my notes that you're west of me. You don't have notes. You're looking at an empty legal pad. Those are sometimes the best. Sometimes the pads that say nothing say the most. It says here you're west of me, that you live in Altadena, is that correct?

And you are married, you have two kids. You are their godfather. It also says that. Yes, it says I'm their godfather. Yes, yeah. And they call me Uncle Coco. They call you Uncle Coco. Yes.

So you're a huge fan. I mean, this is a big- What are you talking about? I'm an employee. I was your fan. Can I tell you one thing? You were my fan until you were my employee. Yeah.

And then you quickly soured, didn't you? Yes, I mean, I didn't say I soured. I think I got to know you better. The real me. Yes. Yes, yes, not the ideal eyes like, oh, look at that guy on TV, you know, that guy's a, he's a,

what? You know? What? Whatever. I look like the Winklevoss twins, you know? Both, you look like both of them together. Yeah. Like, but smushed together. Yeah, I look like the Winklevoss twins, you know? You look like both of them together? Yeah. But smushed together.

Yeah, I look like, and if they had both, if two Army hammers from the social network had been smushed together. You think you look like the Army Hammer Winklevoss? I said smushed together. Okay. So imagine the cracking of bones and ligaments, the distortion of the two skulls, there'd be three eyes, not, I mean, so yes. Oh man. I think it still holds up. But anyway. eyes, not, I mean, so yes. Oh man.

I think it still holds up, but anyway. Oh, you guys were smart not to tell me about this. Yeah, we were very smart not to tell you. So how's it going, Sona? What's going on in your life? Oh, this is awful on so many levels. But what's happening in your life, be honest. Nothing, nothing's happening in my life.

Everything's good with your parents who are still helping look after the kids. Yeah, yes, yes. Mikey and Charlie. Mikey and Charlie, my boys, They're two and a half. All right. Do you have a question for Conan? Yeah.

Oh, fuck you, man. Fuck you. I'm just glad he centered on you. Fuck all of you. You guys had a conversation about this? We just thought it would be fun. You guys, like, talked to each other. Let's just tell the truth.

We couldn't get a fan episode in time for this release date, so we just had to come up with something. This is like when Khomeail didn't show up. Yes, let me be honest, there's a ton of fans in the queue. We just didn't technically put it together today. I don't know who's at fault. I'm not gonna throw Eduardo into the bus. It totally was, by the way, it wasn't Eduardo,

but just by me suggesting it could have been Eduardo. I like the turn on Eduardo suddenly. What do you do for a living, Sona? Oh, yeah! Yeah, what do you do for a living? That's actually a pretty good question. You help out with the podcast. You're very good and the fans love you.

That's very nice. But what about the day-to-day assisting of Conan O'Brien? You know the answer to this question. Which is what? That I don't do, I know, I'm sorry. Can I just please, if you're driving right now, lower the volume.

Angry. Because. I have my headphones. So angry, I'm sorry. Can I just please, if you're driving right now, lower the volume. Angry. Because. I have my headphones. So angry. I'm pumping off my head. So many different levels. I am an angry human being right now. No, but.

This sucks because you're setting me up to say I don't do anything for you as an assistant anymore. That's not true. I'm just trying to find, like any good policeman, I'm trying to get to the truth. You don't do this with the actual fans? That's true. Wait, here's what I will say.

Here's what I will say. And this was what I did that was really smart. I was your assistant for so long and I really made myself a part of your life that you can't get rid of me now. First of all, I'll make it clear, I don't want to. But also, let's say tomorrow, which is very likely, I suddenly need to change my mind and decide sonus got to go

There's absolutely nothing I can do. No, your phone is under my name. Oh, of course I have everything in my life. Yeah, why shouldn't say that now? I'll get hacked by the Russians But no, I sort of got on my driver's license, it says Sonam Obsession. And then it says six foot four, 200 pounds, blue eyes, red hair. Oh my God. Sonam Winklevoss O'Brien. What's the obsession with the Winklevoss train?

No, I just threw that out there. I have a random machine in my brain. I know, you really do. I do think of you as my brain. I know, you do. You really do. I do think of you as a fan. And you don't have to freak out about it because I know- I feel like you can't ask for permission to say that. You know? I am good.

So, I know you're a fan and usually I reach out to people who live far from me. You do. I mean, Altadena, quite far. It's not that far. I've driven to your house from my house. I had to change my currency three times. Oh, God. The currency thing.

The currency thing. Ta-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Probably. I probably do. That's not even a joke. Like, I think you have this thing about Altadena because it's up in the mountains. It's not that far away. It is beautiful. I love Altadena. When I made it there, when I got there, and like many of my ancestors, it was a long journey. Oh, my God. Don't compare yourself to people escaping the potato famine. How many of your team did you lose when you went to?

Oh, half the ship. Really? Half the ship. Really? Half the ship didn't make it. But when I saw the Lady Liberty's torch as I approached Alcatena Harbor, Alcatena Harbor, I'm stretching this for all I could. I remember it saying, we're here, we're here, we're here, I miss my home,

but this is my home now, that's what I said. You had an accent? What is that accent? You recognized your name, remember? Yeah, they did. That's what I said. You had an accent? What is that accent? You've recognized your name, remember? Yeah, they did. That accent sounds like when you try to talk about my mom. My name was Peter Smith, but they changed it to Conan O'Brien. What is it?

Peter Smith? Oh, you Irish, you Irish chimp. You're Conan O'Brien from now on. You know what I've noticed is that when you guys are in a buy, like, yeah, okay, we didn't have anybody lined up, and then you're like, Sona can do it, which is what you did for the Kumael Nandiani episode. Kumael couldn't show, and then we had you come on

and people loved it. Yeah, but don't you ever think, hey, Sona might not be being prepared even a little bit for this? That's funny, I don't even think I thought for a second about you or your feelings. What about you? Did you think about it, man?

About her feelings? Yeah. I guess I didn't. Yeah. Oh, thanks, Matt. And you know what's so nice? It's incredible when you, it's just so relaxing not to think about

and worry about someone else's feelings. You just glide through life. There's no friction, you know? Why am I on Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan when I'm not like, you know. No, come on. Come on, I'm not gonna lie true life. There's no friction, you know? Why am I on Conan O'Brien needs a fan? When I'm not like, you know, not. No, come on. Come on, I'm gonna be, can I be sincere for a second? Mwah.

I don't know why I made that noise. Can I be sincere for a second? I get scared about sincere. I know, so can I be sincere? Yes, yeah. Hey, like, can I talk about vaginas real quick? No! I'm so frightened.

They're monstrous! Vincenity and vaginas. There's two things that scare you. Oh, God, if you sincerely talk about a vagina right now. Yeah. Oh, my God. Can I speak about a vagina sincerely? Ha! Connor and Brian turned into a puddle of ooze today. There's Rush to the hospital where he was reanimated as two Winklevies that snatched into each other.

No, it was just sort of a jokey idea because we have a lot of people and then we thought, you know, oh, come on, let's just talk to Sonya. I love that you have to be like, no, no, we have people who are fans. I do have six fans left in the world. Truth is, we couldn't find one. Yeah. We, you know what? We scoured the globe.

Oh man, that's too bad. I'm sorry. I am, I am actually a fan of yours. Thank you. There you go. I was, I was a very big fan. So it didn't come across when I first hired you. Yeah, I think you were very cool about that.

You kept your cards close to your chest. Well, yeah, I mean, you kind of have to, but I don't know if I ever told you that. People would ask me what I was gonna do after I worked at NBC and I was like, I'm gonna work for Conan O'Brien. And I just said it very like. Then you said it loudly in a restaurant and I heard you.

And I said, you bet you are. Cause that's how needy I am. Yeah. Yeah. And then I started working for you. So, but how, but how are things? Everything's good. I mean, you should tell, you can talk about your life. I can't, I don't have, I always talk about my life. I have no problems talking about it.

Yeah, everything is really, you know what? The other day, you know what I did? I went to a movie in the middle of the day. And you never get to do that because you've got twins. Those kids are now at an age, are they two and a half or three? They're two and a half. They're two and a half years old and they're very healthy, rambunctious boys.

You send me the most hilarious video tapes. She sends me these tapes from her phone. Video tapes? Sorry. What the fuck? She sends me, Sona sends me these three-quarter inch tapes. Betamax.

Yeah, Betamax. And what she does is she takes it on her phone and then out of kindness, because she knows I'm old, she has them transferred to giant... And I have an old three-quarter inch machine from 1985. So anyway, God bless you for doing that. Yeah, yeah, I always say. And then I have it converted to 16 millimeter. Oh my God. No, she sends I always say that. And then I have it converted to 16 millimeter.

Oh my God. No, she sends the most hilarious iPhone videos of her kids. And they're a two-person wrecking crew. They are, they need a lot of attention. And it looks a lot like a three-stoogey short. Yeah, the three-stoogey, it's usually the same idea. Fancy person in an ice house lets the three-stooge's in for reasons that I've never understood. And they come in and they go, don't worry, lady, we'll fix

it up real good. And then they take out hammers and smash everything. All of your videos look like that. It's your two boys with large sticks and shovels just smashing the wall. And you're kind of in the background, you're holding the camera and you're laughing. I am. You're not stopping. I've given up, I think. And well, this one day we stopped recording pretty early

and then I had my parents already coming to help. So I got high and went and saw a movie. What movie did you see? I would like to not mention the movie. Okay. So do you go to a triple X theater? No, yeah, I watched porn in the middle of the day. Can you still do that?

Can you go to? I got some video tapes. Is it quarter inch? Three quarter inch. But I want to watch porn with other people. Can they do that still? You guys would know. Like a porn theater.

You have friends over and watch them. No, I mean like go to a theater where, you know, the people jerk it. You guys would know. I mean, I never, I have No, I mean, like go to a theater where, you know, the people jerk it. You guys would know. I mean, I have never, I have never, I mean, yes, I remember growing up in Boston, there was an area called the combat zone. And once my dad, you know this, right?

No. The sort of triple X theater area was called the combat zone. And once we were all kids and my grandmother was living with us and she used to do this habit of, she had this habit we called her Maudi. She would look out the window and you know, you'd be driving through and she would just, she was getting older and she would just out loud

read the different signs like mass turnpike, you know, and she would say things. My dad gets, is who was a little trouble with like me, I inherited it. So I'm not putting this all on him. But he took some wrong turns and we were stuck in traffic in the combat zone. I don't remember.

My grandmother going like, Debbie does Dallas. X, X, X. And no one of course can say anything like, Monty, don't do, because no one can acknowledge what's happening But but yeah, I knew that those theaters existed, but I never ever went into one I just I don't want to mention the movie because it was really bad

And you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I even when I was high it was I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings You're bar was so low. It's still really low. It's gotten worse. Because now I'm really into young adult movies that are based on fan fiction usually. I know, it's so bizarre. It's a very tiny little niche thing of, and I have no time to watch movies, and when I do, I watch these awful ones, and I know they're bad, and I watch them multiple times too.

So now? Okay, well, hey, this brings up a good question. Are you okay? Yeah. Should you be hospitalized? I just don't wanna think, I think. Let me quickly ask this. If those movies don't make you think.

You know, we do have a very loyal and creative fan base. Is there fan fiction? And should there be fan fiction around our podcast? Oh, are you talking about erotic fan fiction? Are you talking about? Well, I mean, are you talking erotic fan fiction? Are you talking? Well, I mean, I would prefer erotic, but I'll go. Yeah, you wouldn't know you wouldn't. No, I'm kidding. No, I'm saying just fan fiction in general. Well, you know, there's different kinds of fan fiction. They could like create a universe within this universe or just use us as characters in a completely different story, which is like what

they did with Fifty Sh shades with the Twilight cast. It was the whole story. I'd love to see the three of us go on an adventure, you know, find an old relic or something. Yeah. Like a Goonies with the three of us. Yes. You don't, do you even like the Goonies?

I have appreciated that it is the citizen cane of your generation. Come on, that's such a, you're, you're being- The Goonies is a real divisive film, depending on how old you are. And I was the age of The Goonies when it came out, so it's big for me, it's big for anyone after that, but before it, it's not. Yeah, I saw it with Greg Daniels when it came out.

Well, we were both writers, and so we were not supposed to be seeing The Goonies. We were like 23. Yeah, and I was annoyed that all the kids talk at the same time, And that sort of hurt. That's how kids are. That's what they do. I know, but it's supposed to be a heightened reality.

Real conversations, you're often go nowhere, but we try to heighten that in theater and film. You are the opposite of me in that you dislike most things. That's not true. I think that is true. I think you dislike most of the movies and you'd be like, it's going to be a heightened reality.

It's called the Goonies for fuck's sake. My name is my name. My name is Lord Snibbledobble. Yes, what you got? I don't know if you want to know this, but once you know something, you can't know it. Yep. There is Conan and Jordan fan fiction.

Oh. Is it erotic? It is. Oh. And I have it here. I don't remember writing this. I'll just set it up, okay? It's called On An Evening in Roma dot dot dot.

And the summary is what happened after Conan and Jordan left the Italian restaurant? Got it. That's all you know what who wrote that? Can we interview that person too one day? I think I think you do that yet. You could do that or we could interview you again. Yeah, I Would like to see you and Jordan do the lady in the tramp, you know Italian noodle meal thing. Oh, yes We both we we slurp to the middle. Yeah. That's sweet. Recreate something.

Is that your fan fiction? That your erotic fan fiction is just casually. It would recreate a moment I had with Matt O'Brien in front of Hanson. Remember that? Yes, I do remember that. I forget what we were eating, but we were both eating one end of something.

Red licorice. Red licorice, and we started to get towards the middle, and then I was like, she kissed me, kissed me and Hanson's watching. And we're in a Oklahoma City Bat Theater. It was in Tulsa. Oh, yeah. And it was you. I'm sorry, Tulsa, Oklahoma, yeah.

You, Matt, me and Hanson. And we were the only people in the room. And we started chewing and we started getting closer. And of course, I am just, as we get closer to the matter of brand, I'm just like, we're gonna kiss. And he's like, no. And I'm like, yes. And we start getting closer and Hansen's watching these lovely young men who I think are religious. Anyway, this has been a fun. I think this was great. Yeah, wait, we're done. Yeah, we're done. I actually started to have fun when I realized what was going on.

Yeah. Well, see, sometimes. I do have a question. Oh, yeah. Do you have a question for Conan O'Brien? Yeah. Can I get a raise? Oh, wait, I have a question too. Yeah, sure. Can I get a raise? Sure.

Can I get paid? Yes. You know what? I forgot that you guys were out here on a sort of an intern voluntary basis. Oh, no. We will. I will see to it. Yes. Raises for everyone. Okay. Said the guy with no real authority. I'm trying to think if there's a question.

He also said raisins for everyone. Raisins? You're going to listen really closely and Eduardo's going to say, I slowed it down. He says raisins. All right. Thank you, Sona. Very nice to meet you. You're welcome. No. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. With Conan O'Brien, Sona M Sessian and Matt Gawrly. Produced by me, Matt Gawrly.

Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Leow and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Yearwolf. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Supervising producer, Aaron Blair. Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples, Associate Producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan wherever fine podcasts

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