Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Conezone

Episode Date: June 17, 2021

Conan talks to Mohammad from Dublin about Conan’s go-to pump-up song if he were a DJ working a crowd. Then, he speaks with Leah from Michigan about what to do if trapped in a zoo. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Konan. Okay, let's get started. Hi there, Mohammed. Please meet Konan O'Brien. Hello, hello. Mohammed, how are you?

I'm good, I'm good. How are you? Well, I'm good now. It's nice to talk to you. It's nice to meet you, Mohammed. And I'd love to know a little bit about you. Where are you right now, Mohammed? So right now, I'm in my family home in Dublin, in Ireland.

I grew up here. I've lived here for my whole life. And for the past three, four years now, I've been going to university in Bulgaria. I'm a fourth-year medical student out there. Hold on a second. I got a piece this together. Your name is Mohammed.

Yes. You grew up in Ireland. Yes. And you go to the University of Bulgaria. Yes, that's right. That's fascinating. You are a man. You are a shapeshifter.

This is fantastic. I love this. This is your defying expectations. I mean, you've got that, I mean, I love that Dublin accent. You've got that amazing accent that I would kill for. I was born here. My family came here about 25 years ago from Pakistan. So I was born here, grew up here, raised in Dublin,

and now traveling as well, trying to become a doctor. Well, that's very impressive. What kind of, you're studying medicine at the University of Bulgaria? Yeah, medicine. So just general medicine right now, and then after another three years, then I can specialize and decide what I want to do further. And what do you think you want to do in medicine? So something, something surgery wise, I think would,

would interest me quite a lot. I like this. That's interesting. So you don't even have a specific desire other than to cut into people. Exactly. That's, I want that power. Just give me a night. I want that power, at least.

You know, technically, you could just do that anywhere, anytime. Yeah. Technically, I could. Well, Mohammed, Matt brings up a good point. I've cut into people, and I am, I have not been to medical school. I have no medical training. You have not, yeah. You know, but I've, I've lost it a few times,

and a few times I wasn't even angry. I just want to, you know, investigate. You know, I've got to that point, I've got to the brink of that point a few times, I'd say. Yeah, yeah. I would think in Dublin, sometimes you have too many at a pub, and you've done a little, you've probably done some surgery, or had some surgery done to you.

I shouldn't speak on that, but there may be some times. Yeah. Yeah. So, that's exciting. So, you're not sure you want to do some kind of surgery, you're not really sure. Yeah, yeah. Something in that field, yeah.

Well, what are your interests? Like, I'm curious about that. What are your interests? What do you like to do in your downtime? So, on the side, while I'm out there, I'm actually a DJ, a part-time sort of DJ on the side. You have surprised me at every turn. And I mean, and this is a compliment.

You defy categorization. You're just everywhere. You know, Mohammed. I've done that a lot, yeah. I'm from Dublin. Oh, you're from Dublin. Well, then you go to school at Trinity. No, I'm at the University of Bulgaria.

Oh, and what do you do? I'm a DJ. Yeah, you're our first surgeon DJ. I think I choose every single avenue that is totally left field from what is the norm. Yes. So, yeah, and I enjoy music. I enjoy playing music, listening to music, and all that.

What's your handle in the clubs? So, just pretty simple, DJ Mo. Basically like that. DJ Mo. Okay, I'll give you a shout-out. DJ Mo. Oh, thank you very much. Mohammed, DJ Mo out there in Dublin.

I'm guessing. Yeah, in Dublin, yeah. And what kind of music? So, a lot of hip-hop, a lot of pop, but then a lot of UK-based sort of, it's called, the genre is called grime. So, a lot of like basement style, like underground sort of music like that.

So, that's pretty, it's pretty big right now in Europe right now. Google that. That's interesting. Grime. So, it's starting to get big in America, like Skepta, Stormzy, artists like that are very, very big now.

You know, it's interesting because people talk about, they say it's basement music, and I think, yeah, I used to listen to Abba in the basement. I used to listen to Ario Speedwagon in the basement. That doesn't do it for me. I listened to the Partridge family in the basement. That's where we went to listen to records. So, when you say it's basement music,

yeah, it sends me in a completely different direction. It depends on what kind of basement you have. Yeah, mostly hip hop, mostly pop, mostly like sort of stuff that every DJ would play and get the crowd going, get everyone pumped. Now, what do you do? Do you have moves? Do you physically move when you're DJing?

Or are you just all about... Oh, I'm a terrible dancer. I don't think I would... Anybody would want to see me dance. How do you look when you're DJing? Do you just wear a football jersey or are you...? No, I'm all about reflective gear. I love wearing...

I have these crazy reflective shoes, crazy reflective hats. So, anybody trying to take a picture of me, there's no point. It's just crazy, just reflective gear like that. So, that's the sort of thing I love. You've put a lot of thought in this. You truly...

Not only do you do five categorization, you're one of the most fascinating people I've talked to, just in terms of the quick stats. I don't even have to go through them again. But then, you say I wear all reflective clothing so that no one can take a picture of me. No one can see me. No one can see what I'm doing.

I'm in and out. You hear the music and that's it. That's all you get. That's all you get from me. But then you have to walk home wearing reflective gear. That's the problem. That's the hard part. That's the difficult part.

That's just good safety. Yeah, exactly. That's true. Everybody will see me from a mile away. Yeah, when a bus is coming towards you, the bus driver thinks another bus is about to crash into them. Exactly. And it steers into a brick wall and everybody's killed

and it's your fault. I hope one day, this is a strange thing to say, but I hope one day you do surgery on me. That would be an honor. That would actually be pretty incredible. Yeah, and we've already established you don't care what kind of surgery it is. Whatever you need, whatever you need, I'll be available.

I work abdominal. You just want to get in there. I just want to get my hands dirty. When I wake up, when they're putting me out and the surgeon steps in just as they're putting me out and a man with a dark beard, a lilting Dublin accent wearing reflective gear steps up and holds a scalpel off.

That will be the last thing you see. That'll be the last thing I see before I wake up after a successful surgery. Successful surgery, 100% successful surgery. Oh, wow. Now, do you have a question for me, DJ Moe, because I'd love to help you in some way. I'd like to help you on your journey.

I was curious. Obviously, music and DJ is a passion of mine, but if you were to be a DJ, if you were to open for me, say at my next gig, what would be your handle and what would be your go-to song that you would play to get the crowd pumped? I would do, I would be cone zone.

I would wear an orange traffic cone on my head. Oh, you guys have a theme going. Yeah, I have an orange traffic cone. You're reflective. I'm all about directing traffic in another direction. You're reflecting people's images back at them. I'm trying to control traffic flow, and that is also music flow.

So, I've got an orange cone on my head. I'm cone zone, and what I play over and over and over again is the Archie's Sugar Sugar. Jesus. Honey, da, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. Oh, sugar, sugar, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. You are my candy girl.

And you've got me, and they go ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba. And then there's a part where it breaks into the... Oh, I was just going to ask if there was a remix. Oh, there's a remix. You're beatboxing. Is that what you're doing? What do you mean is that what I'm doing?

What did you think I was having an epileptic fit? No, I'm shoeboxing. I thought you programmed those beats into the song. No, I started beatboxing for real, Mohan. So, I'm like, honey, ha, ba, ba, ba, ba. Oh, sugar, sugar, you are my candy girl. Oh, yes. Sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar, sugar.

A candy, a candy, sugar, in Dublin. Gonna go to medicine, folk area. Then I'm rapping, and it's that kind of slow, aging white man rap. I am Conan, I'm here to say, you know, that kind of stuff that no one's done since the late 70s. Beautiful, beautiful.

Yes, beautiful, and crowd's angry. Because then I go back to sugar, sugar. They're really angry. Someone throws a pint glass at me, and it knocks the cone off my head. And people start saying, you're shit, you're shit, but of course it's Dublin, so they're saying, you're shite, you're shite.

You're shite, you gotta get the accent right. You gotta get the accent right. And they're, I think they're giving me the peace sign, but they're really telling me to fuck off. Yeah, that's, that means, it's a whole different meaning in Dublin, yeah. Yes, and I just keep thinking, they love me and they're giving me the peace sign,

so I double down once again that they are cheese, sugar, sugar. And then you have to come up in your reflective gear. And the first thing you say is, I don't know this man. He's not a friend of mine. I don't know who he is. He just showed up.

He showed up just tonight, and I have no idea where he came from. Yeah, but then after it's over and people have left, you take pity on me, and so you and I live where you live with your parents, right? Yes. Would they, would I be welcome at your home?

100%, of course you would. Would your parents even know who I am? I don't think so. I'm sure they would be welcoming, but I don't think they know who you are. Guess what, Mohammed, that might be for the best. They wouldn't know who DJ Kohn's zone is. Well, they'd be hearing about him then

because there'd be a lot of talk on the local news in Dublin about some shitehead in a cone and started a riot. Brutally beaten, brutally beaten. Brutally beaten. Wow, okay, well as long as I'd be welcome in your home. Oh, of course.

Mohammed, let me ask you quickly. Do you think your parents have assimilated well to Dublin? Do they like it there? Do they consider themselves almost like part Irish now? I think so. My dad has been working here for the good part of 20 plus years now.

He's also a doctor here, and they've grown accustomed quite well. They've made friends. They've done all the regular that you do move into a new country and all that. They enjoy it. They like it here. It's peaceful, it's quiet, and it's a nice place to live.

Well, I gotta get back there. I love Dublin. Honestly, we miss you. We miss you. You need to come back. I will come back for a visit, and then we gotta hang, Mohammed. I mean, at this point, it's just ridiculous. You gotta come to one of my gigs, for sure. Come to one of your gigs,

and I will double down on every promise I just made about the tone in my head. I am very excited. I'm very excited about that. Mohammed, this is gonna ruin your career. It's gonna ruin your fledgling DJ career. I'll take that. I'll take that any day.

Well, please give all my mad love to the people of Dublin. I really love that city. It's gorgeous, and the people are absolutely beautiful. They've always been really nice to me. I just wanted to say,

especially this past year, I've been listening to you guys nonstop during the pandemic on my way to university. I enjoy your podcast so, so, so much, and this was such an amazing experience for me. Well, guess what? Thank you so much. You know what? We are blessed

with the coolest fans, and you are a terrific example of... I've never wanted quantity of fans. I've wanted quality of fans, and so I'm a very lucky person myself. So, DJ Mo,

peace out. Yes. And I'll see you on the flip-flop, which is what young people are saying now, I'm told. Isn't that what they're saying? Yeah. Let's go with it. Let's go with it. Oh, you're nice. Oh, Mohammed's nice. You took pity on me. I'll see you on the flip-flop,

DJ Mo. See you later. I'll see you later. Hello, Lea. Welcome. Hello. Hi, Lea. How are you? Good. How are you? I'm doing very well. It's nice to talk to you, Lea.

I don't know anything about you, so why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself, and then I'll talk mostly about myself. Good. And you'll get bored and you'll hang up. Good. That's what happens in my... Where are you right now, Lea? I live in a house with a few roommates in Allendale, Michigan.

Oh, Michigan. Okay. Yes, the Grand Rapids area, because I go to school here at Grand Valley State University, so... Oh, good for you. And what do you study? I am a writing major. I'm finishing my writing degree and have, like, an advertising minor

and digital studies focus, so, yeah. I think that's very... I think that's terrific. Thanks. I'm interested in creative writing when I was your age and really interested in, like, toyed a little bit with the idea of what I do that, and then got caught up in

this foolishness. But what kind of people do you like to read? Who are your heroes in writing? Well, I'm really into David Sedaris right now, actually, so... Oh, my God. It's the best. Yeah. So funny. He was on our podcast, I think,

maybe the first season when anyone listened to this, and he was really fantastic, just delightful to talk to. You have good taste. Very good taste. Yeah. So I like a lot of humorous too and kind of comedy stuff, so, yeah. And poetry as well, but, yeah.

Yeah. Big writing gal. Well, I'm also a poet. Yeah? Are you? Oh, really? Yeah, I've written a lot of very... Yeah, we never knew that. Very provocative poetry. I'd love to hear some. I'd love to hear some. Yeah. Do you have anything with you? There's a man from Nantucket.

Okay, stop right there. They all start that way. But they're never dirty. They're the only Nantucket... It's the only Nantucket doggerel that never gets blue. So tell me... So you're interested, you know,

kind of interested in comedy, and so maybe you've been listening to our podcast. That's how we dragged you in. Is that right? Oh, yeah. I've been listening to the podcast, and then I've been watching your show since

like high school. Well, no, before that, probably middle school. That's way too young. That's way too young to be watching the show. That's like, you know, they say that you shouldn't lift weights until your bones have fully developed. That's how I feel about people watching our show.

Yes. Your body needs to have fully developed. Your growth needs to have stopped, and you probably have to be, yeah, quite a bit older than fourth, fifth, sixth grade. But... Okay, so you were watching, what got you into...

And I'm not looking for compliments. Was it just, oh, I can relate to this guy, he looks afraid? Yeah, pretty much. Well... Yeah. I was really into Ellen, Ellen DeGeneres first. So she's kind of like the gateway drug

a little bit into the natural... I think it was the YouTube algorithm just suggested a Conan video once after watching... That is hilarious. I don't know how a YouTube... Listen, I have, I think Ellen's terrific. It's just that we're so... I think we're so different, but maybe we're not.

I love that a YouTube algorithm said, well, if you like Ellen, then this is what you're really gonna like. Yeah. I'm not sure that's true. I'm not sure that's true at all. Yeah. I mean, it's almost like the same algorithm would say, Conan O'Brien.

So I don't quite understand the crossover, but I'm glad that I got you as a fan, so I win. Yeah, well, I saw a video and you were very, very tall too, and I'm very tall, so that's really all it took for me, I guess. Oh, so really nothing about the comedy content at all. Just your height.

You like me despite my comedy, but you think, yeah, how tall are you? I'm 6'3". Oh my goodness, that's true. I love tall women. I think it's fantastic. Good for you. God bless. Thank you so much. That's great. Do you enjoy being tall,

because I've talked to some women who say, I don't like it, and then I think, why not? I think it would be fantastic, and I've talked to some who say, oh, I love it. So I don't know which camp you're in. Well, I actually, I do like it. I think it gets me a lot of attention,

which I appreciate. And I think that it always has made me stand out, which, but now, people laugh at me, but I like that now, so that's all worked out in the end. Well,

okay, I'm not sure that you should like that they're laughing. I don't know, I don't think they are laughing at you. I think they're laughing with you. You seem like you're very funny, and also they might fear you legitimately, if you tower over them. That's true. I've had multiple occasions

of women being afraid of me. Like, they think I'm a man a lot of times in the dark, because I'm so tall. It's actually really sad and scary, but anyways. Now, in those moments, do you like it? Do you like that they think for a second that you're a six-foot-three-inch man?

You should put on like a fake beard and walk around and just long trench coat. God, no, I would, I never want to be mistaken for a man. It's the last thing I would want to be. Leah, I am often mistaken for a woman, and I'm comfortable with that.

I like it, and sometimes there's a few dates before anything is revealed. Okay, so you're watching this show really back in the day, and you were a fan. You've kicked the habit now. You've graduated to the podcast,

because it's a little more generalized, so I appreciate that. Is it? Someone said you dressed up as me once. Did you? Yes. Well, in high school, we had a, in one of my speech classes, we had a balloon debate.

So the goal was to embody a certain public figure of your choosing, and then debate these other public figures and try to convince them the class that you've contributed the most to society.

So in retrospect, I chose to be Conan Orion, because I was a big Conan fan, and still am. Oh, that's very nice of you. And the idea is that you're all in a hot air balloon, and you have to justify who gets tossed out and who stays? Yes, that's the idea. And who are the other

people in the hot air balloon with you? Oh, I think there's like a Rosa Parks. Oh my god! Oh no! I think I lost to Toni Morrison, I think. Toni Morrison, really? Of course you did! Rosa Parks, Toni Morrison,

that's terrible! No! After everything Rosa Parks went through to be then told that you have to chop out of a balloon, that's terrible! No! I think I think I'm so ashamed that I was in with that group, and I hope that you just dove out of the balloon immediately.

Yeah, I didn't last super long and I probably did regret it. I hope you didn't! I didn't last super long. Yes, I was in there with Socrates, Rosa Parks, Toni Morrison, Christ, and then Conan O'Brien's in the balloon.

Who's the first that should go? Well, let's debate this. That's not a debate. But you know what, you did think outside the box, and that's cool. Everybody else seems kind of obvious, you know? I guess so. I'm trying to help. No, that's true. They all

show people that are just revered. Right. I'm going to just say it. And you'd show someone who revered maybe by some, but I don't belong in that company at all. I'm

so glad I didn't have to be there to witness it, because that's the kind of thing if that had been televised or if I'd seen it and they said, here's Toni Morrison, here's Jesus Christ, here's Buddha, here's, and then Conan O'Brien, I would have thrown up all over myself. Yeah, and I do think

in all honesty, it was probably, like, the costume was a little half-assed. I might have done a little bit better. I really just wore one of my dad's suits, and that was pretty much it, and was like, I'm Conan O'Brien, so. Wait, you didn't, you didn't put an, I like that your impression of me is that I just,

you can't see this, but I'm going to describe it. You put your hands in the air and bobbed side to side like a cartoon chipmunk. You didn't put a wig on or anything? Well, I didn't have the budget for a Conan wig. I don't know, those things probably

go for a lot of money, I don't know. Those things! Hey look, my Conan wig is very reasonable. It's the one I wear on the show, and it's available, you can get it on Etsy, and it's $35. You just have to keep it in

the freezer, because it starts to rot. Yeah, it's Well, what's your question for me, Lea? Do you have a question? I do have a question, and I'm really curious to hear your insight. I'm wondering if you were stranded on a zoo, in a zoo,

stranded within a zoo, and there's no people around, and there's no food available, which of the animals would you eat first to survive, and which would you keep around for companionship? That's a really good question.

Let me think about that. Okay, well I mean, I'm not going to go near the fish, because I'm not going to go anywhere near the fish, because I don't, the tanks look dirty to me. And then there are other animals that I would quickly lose to, you know, polar bear, you can't go.

You know what I mean? I've heard a peacock, is it delicious, has delicious meat, would a peacock be in a zoo? No, it's not in a zoo. It's just Roman free range. They're there, I think. And they're pretty easy to catch too. Yeah, probably. You know,

I think I could catch one of those pretty well. I don't know, but you want it, if you're going to go to all that work, you want to make sure there's enough there to eat. I'd eat a zebra. Oh, wow. Yeah, I'd eat a zebra. Because I've heard it's not bad, you know, I have friends of mine that are really

into capturing and eating exotic animals. Right. And it's a club I used to belong to. And then it was broken up because it was illegal. Was this a club? It was you, Rosa Parks and Tony Morse. Yeah, which is why I don't think they should be as revered as everyone, you know, yes,

they did amazing things and wonderful people that helped make the world a better place. But they also ate endangered species with me at this very rarefied club. I didn't know that. No, I don't know. What's that?

You know what, I was going to guess you were going to say chimps just because you did a comedy bit with them once a while back and you didn't let they were unruly. Oh, that's interesting. Yeah, that chimps are the most yeah, chimps, that's interesting. Chimps, no, I can't eat a chimp. They're too close to us.

They're too close to us genetically. You know that there's very little that differentiates us from a chimpanzee's DNA. I mean, it's shocking. We're very close to them in terms of our DNA. And so, yeah, I would feel that was wrong

somehow. You need to eat something that's far away from your own species, you know? Can I ask you a quick, Matt just used the phrase comedic rival when referring to a chimp. So, is there some sort of

story there? Is there a jealousy involved? Or what's happening? The chimp, as you know, the chimp I've often performed with chimps. I have, over the years I've performed with chimps and when a chimp is on stage with you

they get all the attention. You know, the eye goes to the chimps because they're dressed like kids or they're wearing a little suit and everyone's looking at the chimp and anything the chimp does is, quote, adorable. But backstage, chimps are assholes. They're they're physically

abusive and they're walking around and they're impulsive and they're very strong and they're hitting you in the crotch and they think it's funny and so I have, I don't like being around chimps so I wouldn't want to eat a chimp

and I don't want to perform with a chimp. I don't like chimps. Chimps and I do not get along. So I don't want anything to do with a chimp. I don't know if I've picked the right animal though. I've got to keep thinking. I'm surprised you dismissed fish. No, I don't like those tanks.

Those tanks are really dirty. Those fish have been there a long time. Sometimes those fish are like 40 years old. I don't like old fish. I like relatively young fish. Sometimes you look in there and those fish are literally 65 years old. These are fish that voted for Lyndon Johnson

and I don't want anything to do with that. But you're stranded. You have no choice. Yeah, but I have a whole zoo. Yeah, there's a whole zoo. And so, you know, I do like venison. If there was a deer there. What?

Is that sad? Yeah, how are you planning to do this too? What's the method? No, I'm going to get the chimp to do it. I'm going to get the chimp. Yeah, I'm going to throw the chimp into a cage with an elk and the chimp is naturally going to

get into a fight with the elk. Because as we all know chimps are assholes. And the chimp is going to throw the elk and then so the dirty work is I don't even have the guilt that you would normally be associated with eating an animal. How are you going to get the meat from the chimp though? Well, the chimp

is a very vanglorious mammal. So what I would do is I would say to the chimp they're shooting a commercial down the road and the chimp would probably take off and try and get his fucking chimp face

into a commercial somewhere that doesn't exist. And that would give me time. Yeah, well, it depends. The chimp would probably I would forget that I made up this story and I would take off. I'd be like, wait a minute commercial and then I would take off

and the chimp and I would be racing down the road towards a commercial that doesn't exist and the venison the elk would be rotting in the hot sun. Wow, that's a sad story. Well, if we took anything away from this Leah, it's that

you had really you had some nerve trying to win a balloon debate as Conan O'Brien with Rosa Parks and Toni Morrison and that chimps are assholes. I've said it before and I'll say it again and if you chimp people

out there want to argue with me I'll take you on one by one. But Leah, I'm very proud that you're a fan. You seem very cool and creative and what do you think you're going to want to do with yourself when you get out of college? I mean, we'll see the

I would really love to do something with comedy at some point. I'm really involved in improv now and I really want I would love to do comedy writing or explore that and I mean, I've got a marketing path going to and media so I'm just applying for lots of like just like a television

related apprenticeship programs and internships and stuff right now and yeah, I don't know we'll see what happens but yeah. I have confidence in you. I think you're going to do well at whatever you try. I really do. Thank you. You're a very cool person and I'm sure we're going to bump into each other one of these days

because I will notice you. Very tall. Yeah, very tall but you're a tall striking person and you're very cool. Thank you. I have a lot of confidence in you and

give me a job someday in the running show business. I'll think about it. Because my spiral is headed down but you're headed up so just keep me in mind, okay? Thank you so much. DeConan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher

wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.