Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Coroner O'Brien

Episode Date: August 26, 2021

Conan talks with pathologist Yaman from Texas about how to perform an autopsy. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco.com. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Yaman. Meet Konan and David. Hello, Konan. Hey, Matt. Hey, David. How are you? Yaman. I'm doing great. How are you? I'm doing very well. It's so nice to talk to you. Yaman, I know nothing about you. I'm looking at you over a Zoom and I see what looked to be medical diplomas behind you.

That is correct. And you have a microscope. Please tell me, I'm guessing you make shoes. Tiny ones under the microscope. No, what is it you do, Yaman? I'm a pathologist, as you would have guessed from the microscope and a bunch of medical diplomas behind me. Yes. Oh, so you're making it sound like I'm stupid that I couldn't connect the dots. Yaman, a microscope and medical diplomas can mean many fields.

Yes, I could be in TV and these are all just props. Yes, it could be. You could be the star of an SVU show. Exactly. And so I don't know. Many things to ask you, pathologists, so you study tissue samples under a microscope. That is correct. Yes. I diagnose tissue samples under the microscope. I work behind the scenes. I don't directly deal with patients. So when I diagnose a cancer, I'm not the one telling the patient the bad news. I tell their doctor and their doctor tells them.

But yeah, they say you should never be an interesting case to a pathologist because that means what you've got is pretty bad. Yeah, my motto in life is bore the doctor. Yes. I never want the doctor to say, this is fascinating. I want the doctor to say, been there, done that scene in a million times. Yes. So you're analyzing and what do you do? You peer through the microscope and this is a big

job because you have to look through that microscope of yours. That looks like, what is that, a D1194? What is that? D1195. Oh, very good. I'm pretty good at it. Very good. Those are fantastic. That's one of my favorites. Yeah, this is like top of the line. Yeah, it's right up there with the Schleisenhause. The Germans always make a grade. They make a great microscope. Listen, Iman, I won't waste your time because there's so much to

talk about here. First of all, you can't miss anything. I mean, it's important that you're really concentrating when you're looking at this tissue sample because it could mean someone's life, right? Yes. Yes. Like getting the diagnosis right is like the most important first step in your scene. Yes. So what are you doing while you're looking at the sample? What are you? Is the room completely quiet? I'm usually listening to you, to your podcast.

Oh, no. You're listening to... Oh, no. How many errant diagnoses does it happen? No, there are people out there. You're like, oh my God, that Conan. Oh, that Sona. Oh, that Gurley. What a wacky trio. Sometimes I have to pause while I'm looking at a slide if I'm laughing so much. That's like... Oh my God. But to be honest, I don't listen to the podcast when it's actually like... There are certain

slides that need critical thinking all the time and you have to be aware of everything and there are some kind of brainless slides that you just have to fly through. Yeah. We do say only listen to this podcast when performing a brainless activity. We've caused more car accidents than you could ever imagine. So that's incredible that you are listening to our podcast while determining whether or not someone has cancer. I'm going to report you. I just don't have... I don't know where to report you, to be honest with you. I'm not familiar with the hierarchy in your profession. It's usually the state licensure board, so...

Thank you for letting us know. You're making this way too easy. Yeah. What state are you in? Texas. I'm in Dallas. Would you mind just reporting yourself? Yeah. Could you just turn yourself in because...

But then if there's any reward for people like you, if you could forward that on to us, that would be very helpful. You're a very pleasant man to track down. Yeah. Very easy. So yeah, that's what I do now. Another big part of pathology that most people know about is doing autopsies. Like, we're the people who do the autopsies. I don't do them now in my current job, but that's something I had to do in my training and I learned how to do it. Wait. You've done autopsies? I've done 70 of them.

Wow. Have you ever done any while listening to this show? No. That was because I did those autopsies back when I was training, so your podcast was not on. Wasn't on yet. Yeah. So you were just, you were watching old episodes of Gilligan's Island. You were watching reruns of The Office while you were deep-owning someone. Listen, Yaman. Yes.

I'm fascinated by autopsies. Yeah. I'm a very ghoulish man. I know you are. I love it. Yeah. I'm fascinated by it. What's it like to do an autopsy? Can you just, I mean, first of all, did you completely start to disassociate yourself from the fact that this is a person? At a certain point, are you just working with what feels to you like a piece of furniture?

I mean, not a piece of furniture, but I mean, you have to like not have emotions when you're doing it because you want to do a good job. Like a piece of furniture. Yeah. Like a piece of furniture. No, I'm saying, I'm not, listen, I'm just, I'm first of all, in interviewing you, I am opening up a window into my soul, which is that I don't really connect with humans. It's actually interesting when I, when I walked into my first autopsy, I thought I was going

to throw up. I thought I was going to be nervous. I thought I was going to hate it, but I was completely fine. So maybe, maybe I'm a sociopath. Yeah. But you know what? We need sociopaths. Yes.

In entertainment, we need them in entertainment almost exclusively, and we also need them in the fields of pathology and medicine. Yeah. Exactly. So, but yeah, you just, you know, like you focus on one organ at a time and you forget everything else. How often can you look at the person on the table and pretty much guess what happened? I mean, if a lamppost is sticking through their chest, you know, right?

Yes. I'm guessing the lamppost going through his chest at 80 miles an hour was probably, was probably what killed him or her. But if, are there times when you just look at the body and go like, ah, this, I feel like this is going to be the heart or I'm pretty sure it's going to be the liver. I mean, most of the ones that I did were like hard and you have to open the body and look through every organ to figure out what caused a person's death because, you know, autopsies are divided into forensic and medical.

So forensic autopsies are done at the medical examiner office and, you know, the ones that they show on CSI, but obviously not, not real life autopsies are like that. A lot more crude, a lot, a lot fewer answers, you know, like I see, you know, the, the Stevie shows show you these autopsies as if it's like the magic thing that will give you all the answers. It's not like that. You mean, so there are a lot of autopsies where that's just inconclusive. Exactly.

A lot of them. Yes. So, so, and then I did what I did mostly were medical autopsies. So someone dies at home without anyone, you know, witnessing that or someone dies within a few hours of being admitted to the hospital. So you need to figure out why they died. So now I'm going to stick to this point. You're saying many autopsies are inconclusive.

Yes. Definitely. You're meaning, were I to murder? Oh, of course. We're going here. Of course. Were I to murder? Yes.

There's a good chance I wouldn't be caught because many autopsies are inconclusive. Unless you did it with a lamppost. Yes. No, but what I'm saying is I think we've been taught by these crime shows that we watch, forensic files, for example, that if there's any foul play, the coroner is going to catch you. That's true. You're making it very clear to me right now that, no, I have like a 70% chance of getting

away with it if I'm somewhat clever. Is that what you're saying? And is that what you're saying to my listeners as well? And is that what you're saying on the record? And something that can be taken to the state licensure board? To the court. Yeah. By yourself.

We also would like you to sue yourself. So yeah, report myself, sue myself, and just lock myself up. You're a very chipper guy who's destroying his own career in front of us. While laughing, which is, have you ever been doing an autopsy and you're down there and you're in the chest cavity and then you look up almost to a camera that's not there and said, this was murder. Have you ever done that? I wish.

You wish? You want to do it right now? You could look down and then look right up to us and say, and say, and show us how you would do it. Yaman, say this was murder. All right. So I'm like going through the chest and I'd like take out the heart. This is murder.

That's good. That's fantastic. That was really good. Yaman, that was really good. Okay. That was really good. Especially holding the heart like that. Yeah.

I love that you held it up to the light and you went, this is murder. I still prefer the past tense. This was murder, but that's fine. Oh, sorry. This is murder. I think what Yaman is saying is he just ripped the heart out of the life he was in. He committed the murder. The guy was in there for an infected tooth.

Yes. He thought you were a dentist. I ended with his heart. His heart out of his chest and said this is murder, which, wow, that is fascinating. I don't know if I could handle an autopsy. I don't know if I could handle it. Do you think you've listened to me a lot now? It sounds like probably why you should have been working and paying attention.

God knows how many people are walking out there with fatal rare illnesses because you were giggling. Yes. While I say kakaroo or katakai, would you? I'm just curious. Do you think I would have the stomach for it or you can't really tell? Probably. I mean, you like true crime shows.

I do love it. Yeah. I love true crime. Yeah. I think you'll be fine. I'll think you'll be very good at it. Yeah. Okay.

Well, I'm thinking of because I just quit doing a nightly show in late night and I'm exploring different options. You know, because the US has two systems. They have a medical examiner system where you have to be board certified pathologist to do an autopsy. But then the parallel in smaller counties and towns is the coroner. So if you can run for coroner, it's elected office and you don't have to go. I don't have to have any medical knowledge.

You don't even have to be a doctor. Yeah. You can become a coroner. You can do this because with your platform, Conan, you have a voice that you could reach people. Yeah. No, no. I am not, I am not kidding.

Yeah. And Matt, I am not kidding. I could, with the help of the podcast and my name brand, I could run in a small county here in California. Exactly. And I could run for coroner and I could win. I would pour money into this campaign. Yeah.

Yes. And I could become a coroner. Exactly. And I could be lieutenant coroner. Does a coroner get to drive a car that says coroner on it? I'm not sure. But I think you could. Do I get a siren?

A gun, I think. Oh, my God. What? No. Yes. Because you will be sent to the crime scenes to... What? No, no, no, no.

I have to... I want a gun. I want to be... I want a jacket that says coroner. Yes. I want a car that says coroner. I want a siren that says coroner, coroner, coroner, coroner, coroner, and then I want a gun that when it fires, it's called a coroner.

I love this idea. I'm not kidding. I love autopsy without any medical training. And you could help me, right? You could show me which parts the chest and which part... Yeah, you can turn face time on and I'll just guide you through it. You know what? You are...

Yaman, you are my new best friend and I'm... Yeah. I think I'm like 60% serious that I want to become a coroner. Yeah. So, yeah, just look into a small county near LA where they don't have a medical examiner and they have a coroner's office that is an elected office and just go for it. All right. Let's get on this right away.

David, I want you to start doing a search of counties in LA that don't have a coroner right now. It's an elected position. Got it. And I will become a coroner. I'm excited for this new career for you. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, it's not going to be my only thing I do. I'm still want to dabble in entertainment. Yeah. Would you podcast while you... Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah.

I'd have the... Yeah. You know what I love is Sona is out right now because she gave birth to twins, but when she comes back, she's going to be back probably pretty soon, but when she does come back, she's going to notice that Matt and I are coroners and she's going to be like, what did I miss? I was gone for four months. I just had twins.

Yeah. Trust me. You know, I saw Yaman and some things took some twists and turns. Now, getting the car, there's been a shooting in Encino. Have to go to the crime scene? Yeah. We've got to get to the crime scene. Do I get to use a bone saw?

Oh, yeah. I was just going to ask that. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Well, first thing you do is do something called a Y incision. So you cut just below the bones here and then do like this and then you rip the skin and muscle and fat.

And then you use the bone saw to cut the rib cage. You take that off. Sorry. Am I being too graphic for it? No. Did anyone stop you? No one stopped you. No one said anything.

I was salivating when I was just doing that. And then the way I was taught how to do it, and some people do it differently, they take one organ at a time, what you do is take something called the organ block, which basically you take everything from the tongue all the way to the anus in just one big, you know, and put it in like a tray. And then you work your way through each organ. From the tongue all the way down to the anus is connected. Yeah.

You just pull it out all in one piece. Yeah. With everything together. Yeah. It's all connected. How long connected to the body other than the bottom and the top? Well, no, there's all kinds of, I'm sure. No, no.

There's connective tissue. Yeah, connective tissue. Oh, did I use me? I'm not a elected coroner yet. Yaman, did I use the right word, messentary? I loved that. C? Yeah.

You see, Matt? I'm not going to do. Yeah, like, you know, people in the non-medical field who know this word. I'll use messentary all the time. I often want to go to a restaurant, say an extra messentary in there, please. Could I, so wait a minute, can I ask you a quick question, Yaman? How long could I live? If you ripped out of my body, nothing was wrong with me, but you quickly cut me and

ripped my tongue from my anus out and put me on a table. How long would that part of me live, tongue to anus? Would I be able to say things like, I'm still here, Yaman? You're just like the tongue moving. I do it. The tongue is still moving. Tongue is still moving. The tongue is still moving.

The body going, I'm here, Yaman. Yaman, it hurts more than you would think. Do you think I would, I'd be able to, I think I would last a couple of hours. That's the kind of real power. A couple of hours. Yeah. I would do a podcast. Welcome to Honour Man, you're the brand.

In this episode, it is just tongue to anus Conan. Oh no. There's no brain though, right? Like the brain is in the body. Trust me. You don't need a brain to do this. Oh, soup to nuts, tooth to butts, it's Conan. Yaman, you have a question for me because I want to, you've just changed my life dramatically.

How can I help you? I was just, as a pathologist who does autopsy, I was wondering if you were on, on the other end, you know, in many years when you depart this world, would you be willing to donate your chiseled, adonis body to science, you know, so medical students can learn from the perfect male specimen. You're talking to me. Nice try. I'm talking to David.

Okay. Okay. Nice. Thank you. Thank you. Yaman. I'm going to be conscious about you. About my body?

Yeah. I think I will. I think I'm still going to have body shame even after death. So I'm going to, I'm going to be, I'm going to be have it in my will that people can do an autopsy and donate the organs, but I want to be wearing pants the whole time. Long pants and black shoes. That's going to be a cortisol. There's another word for you, a cortisol to my will.

Yeah. I'll put a cortisol in your mess and Terry any day. Yaman, I, I'm fascinated by this conversation. You seem like a very funny, nice, intelligent, where are you from originally, Yaman? I'm originally from Syria. So I moved to the States in 2010. Actually in a few days, it will be my 11 year anniversary. Oh, how do you like it here?

I love it. Yeah. I, I moved from, I went to medical school there. I did all my training in different parts of the country and now I am working in Dallas. Right. I love it. Terrific. Well, welcome to America.

Thank you. You are a credit. I, I honestly think what makes our country great is people like you coming over and adding intelligence and wit and humor to our country. So thanks for being here. Oh, thank you so much. And thanks for, um, I, I, and I hope that you do my autopsy, but when you're very, very old, you know, I hope you do my autopsy when you're 130 and I hope you're the one that

realizes that I was murdered. Okay. And I'll be listening to, uh, the last podcast episode ever one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. When Sona hands me a glass of something that tastes suspiciously bitter and like almonds and I go, Sona, this tastes weird.

Just drink it down and then you get to do the autopsy. All right. Yaman. Thank you very much. No, thank you so much. I hope our paths don't cross too soon. Yeah. Well, good luck with the coroner's run and, uh, yeah.

Thank you so much guys. Thanks, Matt. I'll see you at the convention. Bye, bye. Bye. Bye. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joe Anasol, a tear off and

Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson at Ear Wolf, music by Jimmy Vivino, supervising producer, Aaron Blair, associate talent producer, Jennifer samples, associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa. engineered by Will Bekton. Please rate, review, and subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.