Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Dana Carvey

Episode Date: January 28, 2019

Comedian and actor Dana Carvey feels masculine about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Dana sits down with Conan this week to talk about the key to a nailing perfect impression, how The Church Lady got her euphemisms, and memories of George H. W. Bush. Plus, Dana shares a few of his latest favorite characters, and Conan gets taken to task for losing his belongings by his assistant Sona on a reverse “True or False.”Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by Campaign Monitor (www.campaignmonitor.com/CONAN), tasc Performance (www.tascperformance.com code: CONAN), State Farm (1-800-STATE-FARM), Fracture (www.fractureme.com/CONAN), HelloFresh (www.hellofresh.com/CONAN80 code: CONAN80), Kendra Scott (www.kendrascott.com code: CONAN), and MeUndies (www.meundies.com/CONAN).

Hi, my name is Dana Carvey, and I feel masculine about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hey, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. This is the show where basically I use the podcast format to become friends with people. See if I can get more friends. I don't have a lot. A lot of my friends are people that actually work for me, which makes me suspicious. I think if I stop paying them, they might go away. So I basically talk to people who I might already be friends with, or people sometimes I don't really know, but I like them, and maybe they will become my friend.

So that's the idea. It's pretty simple. And I do this with my trusty assistant, Sonam of Session. Hey, Sona. Hi, Conan. Do you think it's working? Do you think I'm getting some good friends with this podcast? What's the matter with you? I didn't know how to answer that. Are you choking on something? I'm just saying I haven't entered anything new in your calendar in terms of hangs with new friends.

That's not even a joke. You have not. This has been a very successful podcast, and I have interviewed a lot of people, and I think it's gone really well, and you know what? Not one dinner date or a lunch date has resulted so far. No hang session. No hang session? Hang session. No hanging out session.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't like it when you don't millennialize your terms with me. Just say no hang out sessions yet. Maybe you could just learn how to understand. I don't know why you still work for me. I would theoretically have control over that. Anyway, I'm also helped by someone who's really nice to me. My producer, Matt Gorley.

Hey, Matt. What's up, dickhead? Jesus. God. Oh, you really like that one, don't you, Sona? I loved it. You like that? Go. Good for you. You're feeling pretty good now, aren't you, Gorley? Yeah, just immortal, you know?

My God, you just, podcast is doing well, you need me, there's, how could this possibly go wrong? You know what, I looked into it because I keep asking Adam Sacks, the sort of guru behind all this, I keep asking him, is there a way to do this without Gorley? I ask him that frequently and he says no. Yeah, I've got some shit on him. Yeah. You seem to be the lynchpin for this whole operation. That's right.

It's unbelievable. I have a podcast and I'm surrounded by people who seem to enjoy watching me squirm and suffer. Yes. Why? I don't know. That's a good question. We're going to have to see more of it over time to really answer that.

Yeah. I didn't know anything about podcasts when I started doing this and I didn't realize that I could select the people who are around me and maybe they could be pleasant. But enough of that. Let's move on. I am overjoyed, absolutely overjoyed because one of my all-time comedy heroes is here on the show. I met him on Soundnet Live way back in the day.

He remains one of the funniest people that I've ever met and I'm going to say one of the funniest people that's ever existed on the planet Earth and he's also a delightful human being. Dana Carvey. You guys see Jeff Bridges eat food in a movie. He's the greatest. I just did a little self-serve yogurt, put down a layer of pralines and cream and I didn't know.

Oh, the snow cups and the gummy bears and the banana chips. I'm about to get worse. 200 tater tots a caterer. He's from Malibu, California ladies and gentlemen. That's true. We're going to get more giddy up on that one. We met in 1988, Dana. I know.

You know how? We met in 1988 and I came to Soundnet Live as a writer, incredibly nervous and I remember exactly what happened. And I want to know. I was in the writer's area, that big conference room that the writers have and I was standing there and you walked in with Kevin Nealon, could not have been nicer to me, lovely guy right away. Big mistake.

Yeah, big mistake. Yeah, okay. It was you. And I think you, I was a real quiet, I was a quiet, shy writer. I don't know if I made an impression on you, it probably took a while. Well, the main thing, I remember you and Greg Daniels, when I first saw you guys, I thought, well, this is probably like some high school kids visiting, like, you know, see how TV's made day.

Yeah. And I remember specifically Cori and Greg Daniels and going, I'm just intuitive about this stuff. You know, do theater. I think half hour television is not where you want to go. Right. I remember telling you, you know, you don't talk to people much. Yep.

I was quiet. I was a little intimidated and I just kept my, I was not the, hey, look at me, writer. No. But basically you guys, if I had to come up with one word, is you were just very cute. Yes. You look so young and clean cut and fresh faced. I remember you being really enthusiastic, but kind of shy off to the side where the rest of us were all whooping it up.

It's a long race, Conan. It hasn't even finished. It hasn't started. That was 30 years ago, how we've grown. There's a new sheriff in podcast village, so long Joe Rogan, you've run out of quips. You, you're, I'm feeling full, Conan. This is Jeff Bridges again. Jeff Bridges is coming back as a runner.

And this is Jeff Bridges eating food in a movie. Well, I always feel like he always sounds like he's ate too much and his belt's too tight. And it informs his movie choices. I got, I'm no good at the center, double, double foot long, subway, you know, double seat, double meet, I'm not, well, Jeff, Jeff, you only have one line. All right. What's my line?

Well, they're going to find us and they're going to kill us. All right. Roll it. I'll take my own cue. Just let me get my. Give me a little handle. All right. We're going to find this.

We're going to kill us. That's all I got. That's a wrap up. This is a little exaggeration if Jeff is listening. I'm a huge fan. Let's talk about this because this goes to something. I'm recording you. By the way.

That's fine. This is something that goes to an observation that I've had a long time ago and that has continued to remain true for me, exaggeration. There are so many people that think the key to a good impression is to sound exactly like the person. Right. And you are my favorite example of someone who understood, intuitively understood that you're supposed to, you're supposed to get at the, some kind of weird essence of the

person and then stretch it out like silly putty and all of your impressions and your characters are crazily, your George H.W. Bush is not an accurate impression of him, but you were always, but you got to the heart of something. I guess it's a compliment. No, no. Well, my Arnold Schwarzenegger impression is an impression of your impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger, which is not Arnold Schwarzenegger. At all.

It's not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, the first Hans and Franz, it was Kevin and I both doing kind of at least the bass, you know, we all, we all Hans, I am Franz, we all, we all. Then over time I got bored and I realized looking at us visually, I was the little guy with the bigger fake ego and Kevin was the giant. Also they would put enamel on my teeth that I didn't want to smear. So they'd put it on me before I go on an air and that would create the gap. And so I look in the mirror and I kind of had a face, I had to match that little smile.

And then if it came so, oh, look at your little girly politics and your mother, it became nothing to do with Arnold. Right. But he still says girly man. There are, there are people that do impressions that are, and there's a coldness to them. They're like scientific about it. And you, in your characters and your impressions, you're always having fun. You're having fun because you're stretching it out to a ridiculous degree.

Yes. But I think you're a kindred spirit. I, I loved it. Take, take things to the infinite universe. It's why I was immediately always the first time I saw you on TV, I was immediately drawn to your joy. You have a, there's so much joy that comes out of you when you're performing. Well, it may, I just making myself laugh.

But even my Trump now, which I started, it's not a joke, I was trying to figure it out and I thought maybe it's a little bit regious. Anyway, you're ready for this, joy's over there, gambler's over there. Yeah. You know, it's kind of nasally and do-y-y-y out of kato. And then I thought, well, you got out and maybe Brando. Yeah. What can I do for you, my son?

I don't need to come, I don't need to move yourself to a regish and he got jump and then I added Shetner. I don't know why I just wanted him to be, because he's fighting the world at all moments. I'll sanction you, fuck you, Canada, get out of here. So then it doesn't, it makes me smile. Yeah. It's really, you, you, but I do think that's your process. If I'm not, I would have guessed that your process was keep at it until you're amusing

yourself. And if you're amusing yourself, you know it's funny. Yes. And then it makes me laugh internally that the audience is accepting made up things and laughing themselves. I think everything goes back to high school in the car with your buddies, they're stoned, you're in the back seat and you start doing an impression of the water polo teacher and then you just wind it down and it's repetitive.

You know, we didn't do bits in high school, it was just abstract. And when I was on the road with Dennis Miller and Kevin Nealon, when we were in the back of the limo, going to the gig, giggling and talking, we were all doing the same thing. Dennis is doing impressions and characters. Everyone wants to do what we're doing, basically. Saps. They're just saps. Why?

Why do you do this? Oh! My Seinfeld is a little high. Yeah. Let's hear about your Seinfeld. Whoa! You're amazed that he's, like, you're, you're so good in front of a crowd, but you were telling me you don't love being on the road all the time.

The traveling, the transporting of the human to the gig, you know, is constantly being on the road. Yeah. Yeah. I don't like the road, but, you know, you know, Jerry loves it and he's, you know, he just loves it. Well, he just, and he doesn't, he doesn't, and also he feels like he, I don't know, he doesn't, he wouldn't get worn down with all the flying around, Jerry, you know what

I mean? Not at all. Yeah, almost kind of in, and I mean, this is a compliment, I think, it's almost machine-like, like he's, you know what I mean? He's of that school that... Right. It's all good, you know? It's all good.

Well, great. Everything's positive. We got a gig. I'm going to repeat my tomato bit and it's going to kill the grand. I don't like the redundancy as far as the reason I exaggerate, but can I tell you my, my Seinfeld, because when I did his show, we're going to the coffee in the car, I started doing it and he goes, no one can do me but Jimmy Fallon. So he shut me down right away, but then I noticed he's got this other sub-rhythm in his stand-up,

which really makes me laugh. So he's got the high thing, but he gets his high thing. So I do him as a serial killer, I'm going to kill you. Well, why? Why? I'm going to kill you. I'm going to get these knives and put them right in there because I think I can kind of chill a spleen right in there.

He's got that other, I think. He gets, yeah, yeah, he gets, you know what I'm saying, the guy who thinks he could be president is obviously insane, I think that's a John Fallon me, I can be president. If Jerry's listening, I barely do you, Jerry, but on today's podcast, you are there with Chip, please. He is front and center. Well, I don't go on the road because the room's going to take too long, I'm going to get first.

I got it. Sorry, go ahead. Well, especially true grit. In true grit, he was, he was digesting a ham in every scene. Well, this is the thing, and I think he's brilliant, I saw Heller High Water is where I started doing him. I just love the rhythms, okay, okay, I'm going to, and he did true grit. I think that was the first old cowboy transition from leading man to kind of codger cowboy,

no, no, true grit, no, no. And then he does the press chunk, and they're asking about the character, and I'm listening, he goes, well, I just figured out what he just kept the voice. Excuse me. It wasn't a character. No, no, no, I'm just going to do it all the time and laugh, I'm very punchy right now. No, no, this is you. This is the real you, and this is how you are when we hang out.

Right. When we're not philosophically discussing the universe, we do this. But what I love is there's no, I think it almost comes back to a cartoon sensibility. I always wanted to be a cartoon, do you know what I mean? I always wanted to, and I liked comedy that had a cartoonish element, and I know that your stuff always had that element where you would keep stretching it out and stretching it out. Yes.

I mean, there's no reason for the church leader to get up and do that dance at the end. There was no, there was no reason for that. Lauren didn't like that, nor the echo, but he got used to it, you know. Oh, does she have to have echo when she says Satan? Satan? Oh, why a superior dance? Yeah. I don't know, Lauren.

He probably was right. I love the madness of it. So I love things that are crazy because I'm crazy. Did you watch, I watched a lot of Warner Brothers cartoons when I was a kid, and I swear to God, I think I learned my timing from Coyote Roadrunner, Bugs Bunny, that it's such impeccable timing. Yeah. And I loved it whenever I could show my kids that because I thought they learned the rhythm. If you can learn the rhythm from a Warner Brothers cartoon that was made in the forties

or fifties. You always wonder where your influences come from. When I first did Church Layout on Saturday Night Live, Mr. Clockworthy said you can't say penis so much on television. That was the censor. The censor guy. We had a bow tie, and he's like, you look just like a censor guy. So I had to take the penis out and put in other language, which made it way more pornographic.

So it was like, well, our naughty bulbous area is engorged and willing and throbbing. So I handed it to him. He goes, no penis. This looks terrific. So I remember specifically one time early on doing Church Layout, Steve Martin was the host, and I'm really digging into it and read through just wanting to make sure it gets on. And gorge, loaf, it's throbbing, and you're fornicating, buttocks, you know.

And I heard Steve Martin under his breath say to Lorne Michaels, what kind of mind thinks of this? Which is a great compliment. That's great. Am I repressed sexually? Where did that come from? I have no idea. You were telling me once, because we both are Beatles fanatics and we're both obsessed

with Paul McCartney, and we both had these interactions with him, but you were telling me once, your key to doing a Paul McCartney impression, and how it was the rising and the falling, you know, the melodic. Yeah. I mean, it is also maybe for more like the Beatles cartoon, you know, I get a little, because I've been doing a thing that just struck me that Beatles voice is just calm, calming to me. So if you process the news that's pretty dark through that voice, it makes it much more

friendly. Like during the Kavanaugh hearing, you'd be like, well, America, you know, they needed a top judge a man. They needed a judge a man in the Supreme Supreme, you know, and everyone goes, all right, seems all right. You know, and then a bird says, wait a minute, you know, in high school, he went, googly, googly, googly on me, you know, and it was all that. Sorry.

That's no, but that's so hard. If he read the news, I would prefer to get my news from him. Give me a story. What's the story? Let's say, I want to make sure it's not too, but you know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no He's a colluder with a man over there, you know over Russian man says let's go colluding. He's like all right How do we do it? He goes? It's a secret. Well, how do you know if you are colluding you'd have a dough Later on they tell you the judge a man comes in, you know the judge your man It's just easier to say judge. Well, that's the thing you have that too Yes, like the language of when I have Paul McCartney saying to John Lennon, you know Kanye West loves him You know and John says Kanye West who's that, you know, and he goes, you know, what is it? He was you know, he's a singer-talkie, you know, he's a chest slumper, you know, which I love

Remember when you say we were more popular than Jesus. He says he is Jesus But I love chest slumper that makes me really happy and so in this scenario John is in the afterlife He doesn't know what's going on and Paul is telling him about what's happening. Yeah, exactly. I love that It can go anywhere. Why? Good to see you again, John, you know, well, let's go it on Paul. Good. So John is in the afterlife But he can't see what's happening in the world and he the only person you get his news from is Paul McCartney That's I love it. So Paul goes in the future, you know, everyone's got a baby television in the pocket, you know And it's got a little camera on it, you know, what do you mean, Paul?

I love it also Paul isn't doing a great job explaining this stuff to John. Yes, and John is just so curious. He's so curious. What do you mean? You do, John. What are you talking about? You know, it's just a baby television It's got a little camera in it and you take pictures of things and you post them on a thing called Facebook What's a fucking Facebook? Well, it's a place where you share your life with the world, John Like say you're having a particularly nice ham sandwich You take a picture of your baby television and you put it on Facebook for all the world to see How about you a vegetarian? Why are you eating a fucking ham sandwich?

Well, then he would say I'd say well, sometimes you get haters and you say how how would someone hate a ham sandwich? Yeah, who how would you hate a Sam sandwich? Well, you know, you know the usual things, you know, not enough cheese too much I just see John getting really impatient Getting angry because he's an you know, he's an angry guy and they might have to have their own podcast Oh, man, that was the whole thing is just them just them talking. Yeah, and you played John. Yeah. Yeah, just so first of all We should do that. Well, because you haven't easily you've got it. That's it. Oh, that's it. It's just one guys down here Yeah, the guy's right in here and he's got those little mothers. There's something here's the difference I think you'd appreciate this. I do Paul McCartney for I probably done this on your show

But fall Paul McCartney first man on Mars. Yeah, well, they didn't tell us to be so red And then John Lennon first man on Mars, I knew it'd be red Same thing with Paul McCartney sees his first banana split. Well, you know, it's great You know, they got three scoops ice cream with the bananas around each side, you know Look at the John and John's like the bananas and afterthought These go forever. This is like Johnny. No, that's just the thing is I can I swear to God I I could sit and listen to this people. It's a cliche to say I could listen to this all day I could listen to this all day and just urinate into cups. I

Literally it gives me comfort to do Paul and John. I want them to be friends. I love them talking. Yeah It really makes me feel good. There's things I'll do it just around the house to myself The music they did and the fact that they never got to have this time later. Yeah, where they were like, we're fucking amazing Yeah, you know, I guess John only one time after they finish here there and everywhere. Oh, that's a good song You know, yep This is what I say about because people are always like John versus Paul this and that and they were both in the only Only band they could have been in world in the world where at one time or another they would think to themselves You know, maybe I'm not the best guy in the back. Yes. Yeah, there's no other band. They could have been in

I might he might be better than me, you know, so they didn't but anyway I like doing that. This is another one. That's just brain candy for me Johnny Carson getting pulled over on the PCH, right and it's the fun of his vernacular. Yeah, oh, sorry officer I didn't know I was swerving. I had two slippery monkeys at the hook and crook That's just pure joy. I had two frozen pillows at the windy summit So you want a hundred of those? Yes, that'd be on your show. Just you would go but here's the thing Here's the thing yeah, and I do want to bring this up because two slippery monkeys at the hook It's too much fun. It's not even alcohol. Also, I remember he got pulled over

You know and and I've seen the clip on the tonight show where he comes out the next night He got pulled over after having yeah, too many martinis and And I know the woman who was dating him when he was like in his mid-late 50s And she would help him into the car. Yeah, and he usually was have grasshoppers. That's what was his drink Could I get another freshen up on my grasshopper? What's a grasshopper? I'm not really sure it just sounds like I love that those 60s 70s drinks, you know like a white Russian Yeah, they were just like milkshakes that had a lot of ton of alcohol on them So he does drunk driving and he's in he's on the show, right?

He came on the show the next night and he came out to do the monologue and a policeman came with him And it got a huge laugh, but you realize today. It was just a different time. Yeah, we have learned Yeah, that's it. No, you cannot that's not an area of Fun and frivolity because remember who was the guy whose whole career is foster Brooks? Yes foster Brooks used to play Drunk smash drunk guy and everyone okay. It was hilarious and then suddenly oh, it's a disease and That was over. I know in a sense lost Darn, but we should take a quick break. Oh, take a quick break. I didn't really had breaks Well, we don't really right. We pretend to have them in the studio and then we keep talking, okay?

So it's it's total bullshit. Go ahead. I want to interrupt you. We're gonna take this quick All right, we're gonna be right back with more Dana Time for the segment Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. Give it a little more pep than that You look sound depressed try it again Now it's time for the segment Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach. Absolutely. No difference between those two reads Clearly you're depressed. All right. Well, yes, this is the segment where I Try and pay down the mortgage on my beach house a beach house by the way I don't even get to anymore. Not only is it a huge mortgage

I don't get there because between the show and the podcast and the comedy tour. I never get to this beach house You know who's there this week who Tim Olifant? Oh, yes He was a guest on the show and he was like, oh, you have a beach house Do you mind if I stay there? So he and his wife the lovely Alexis are staying there. You made so many bad choices I know I'm paying for it and Tim Olifant You know one of the best-looking actors in the history of the world is hanging out on my deck and I'm here trying to pay Dabils DA BIL LZ. Are you angry because he's very angry because he's so handsome

I'm angry that he's that good-looking and he's at my beach house and I'm here paying for it But enough whining. I'm an adult and I always pay my bills We're back sitting here with Good God Dan of our force a force a force of nature. Mr. Dana Carvey George HW Bush passed away and you wrote a really great piece for the New York Times It does feel kind of impossible today, but a president really having affection Yeah for unbelievable the person who's making fun of him and he invited you to the White House Yes, and would check in, you know, you slept in the Lincoln bedroom

Yes, and he would like lean in to check in on you. Oh, yeah Well, my wife when we got there my wife went to take a shower and the door was slightly a jar And he just burst in in a suit and tie six foot four. Yeah, how's that right down? What's that's going on? No, I was I just close the door. I don't want me to but He was very generous and it was just surreal that we we ended up there Interesting enough I after he invited me there. I was doing Saturday live. There's Saturday night live party and My wife was gonna meet me at the White House And so I ended up sitting next to Neil Neil young who musically of course were all you know

I got Neil young, you know, yeah, it's Neil young and he's really a funny guy sweet guy And you know, I was telling him About the bush thing and you know, I'd made fun of it. I'm going there and he said it's a human thing man And then he looked up on there forget it pointed at Chris Farley and said that fat kids funnier shit Sorry, it's just a non sequitur. Yeah Farley was the greatest but he says a human thing man So when I went down there and then I knowing now after seeing a lot of the people eulogizing George We're senior that was the guy I knew I mean just incredibly compassionate very friendly and call anyone who needed help write letters Yeah, I was just an amazing

experience the One of my favorite maybe my favorite impression you do is Jimmy Stewart and and because his movies live on and on I Think the impressions always gonna still work because yeah TV stars we go and People don't know what you're talking about, you know, 20 25 years later But I think the Jimmy Stewart impression feels like it that's a gift that keeps on giving But that's another impression from my childhood that just gives you comfort because of the sincerity of it You know like he's like ability as a movie actor because he would be like well Conan. Well, how you doing?

So you're doing a podcast now. Well, I think it's terrific now. I just exuded and I When the AFI tribute my first year of SNL they invited me to vet Kirk Douglas who was getting put in the yeah But and everyone was around me like Gregory Peck was to the right Wow who I was young and naive so my wife's Loves Gregory Peck and her mother so we had to meet Gregory Peck and Lauren McCall had went up I guess he was a restroom So we went up there like super fans to try to meet Gregory Peck, but then we heard behind us And it was Lauren McCall so we scattered back to our seats But then I looked over my shoulder and it was Jimmy Stewart and I'd done him for years and I went over I

My shyness was overridden by I'm gonna meet Jimmy Stewart So as I approached him he kind of took my hand put his hand on top of my hand before I said anything and he just said I know I know That I was gonna say of all the movies and I can't believe it, you know, he just I know I know well Can I fucking tell you? What do you mean, you know, I haven't even talked to you yet But that was you know, you did some Hmm, I don't know if we can do it Conan. I don't know if we can do it

You did a great Jimmy Stewart being orally pleasure once and it was the most hilarious thing I've ever seen Yeah, it was again. Do we do that on a podcast? I insist. Well, you can always cut it. We're not live, right? No, no, no, I I don't like really blue stuff in a sense like graphic But I love stuff. It's just a little left to center and just a little So the thing that was funny about Jimmy Stewart in a car with Catherine Hepburn and having her service Was the idea that he said, all right Well, we'll just look at it for a while Now look away and now look back at it

I mean, it's just that part. It's a little yeah, yeah, I'll just look at it. Well, don't touch it yet Wait till I give you the signal I'm gonna pull my left ear lobe and I'm sort of like Carol Burnett, but she hasn't been born yet Well, Jimmy, I don't want to wait all day. I've got needs and desias That wasn't in there But yeah, it was all about just look at it don't just look at it for a while That just made me laugh. We have a woman with us. Is it okay? Yes Okay, I won't be escorted from Hollywood. No, no, no, it's just silly

But yeah, I don't like blue blue, but I do like just weird language You're a very you're very tough on yourself. I know that about you. Yeah, you were extremely Hard on yourself. I don't know and I know that I'm very hard on myself And I know that people have told me you don't need to be that way But I question that I think maybe that is important It's part of it. If you have drive, it's a deal that you make I mean, you know a friend of mine who's very hard on himself is Directing a new Star Wars J. J. Abrams. Yeah, and I know he's really hard on himself because he loves Spielberg

He was Rod Serling and so he's gonna be doing the movie and he's brilliant at it But he's always gonna have to deal with this driving thing And so for me since I was trained as a stand-up that you must levitate the room I didn't know groundlings. I was up in San Francisco. So it was just Robin Williams stuff and just levitate the room so I always wanted to kill and so on SNL if it didn't kill like in the room I would feel like I do better. I can do better. I got it. Yeah, it has to destroy but I guess it's a The sword you fall on if I mean, it's interesting because your strength is your weakness

What what happens is once you you set your clock to I like to kill. Yeah, once you set your dial I need I need to kill or I'll be bad. Yes Yeah, then anything less than that and feels like bombing even though it's not You have people there and you can come off stage Speak for my own experience and come off stage and I just feel like I didn't feel good and people say like no that actually went really well. Yeah, but I'm comparing it to times when yeah you feel like you split the atom and Yeah, and the voice in the back of your head that's observing and judging and going well that worked tonight

And that didn't that gets really quiet. So when that second voice shuts up Usually that's when I'm having my best set the entire time here that voice has been screaming at me I'm kidding. I can actually see it's a little it's you. It's a you dressed as a little devil. Yes My shoulder, you know, here's the interesting thing because we were chatting about this briefly before this podcast started Which is oh you're getting a call in your Watch, yeah, it's silenced. I know I I'm not a techie, but this thing is pretty cool. Yes Is that the I watch? Yeah. Yeah, I thought if we mentioned it we might get one Well, because you don't have to if you forget your phone this you do you talk on it and what are you talking about?

It's on your wrist and it tells you when to breathe. It sounds like something demented Well, it doesn't tell you in a bad way. It says maybe you should breathe. Yeah. Well, that's that sounds too vague either way And some sort of hell Yoko would tell me to breathe She's all I needed The then she'd scream We were talking about this we're in this world now of podcast just at this moment. Yes, and What I've noticed sometimes

When I listen to podcasts or if I've seen people that do podcasts then go out and sort of do stand up And I think you would seen this too Sometimes there's this different pace which is well, we find it over a couple of hours over an hour We find it over an hour and a half different sport. It's a different sport and it's interesting I'm not saying it's just very different from the way. Yeah, we were trained which is you have a finite amount of time and You've got to Get maximum

Laughs in that time and prepare it and you have to prepare and hone and get it right And that's that's what comedy writing was for me in the years that I was working for you and in the year since then about Let's get this as great as we can make it in the time allowed. Yes, but if you take that same attitude And in the podcast space you can seem uptight, you know I did an interview with with Pete Holmes and he was sort of making fun of me for Trying to structure it. He's like, no, no, it's just all supposed to be anarchy and you just go and you can talk for a couple of Hours I'm like, no, it should be really good and it should be no more than an hour You know his was the first podcast I did when I came back to LA

I met him at your show super nice guy great guy, but we're going to a room and Pete is such a big guy Chairs everything looked tiny and it was really hot and I had no idea and it was like three hours Well, yeah, that's why I I like I don't know I'm always rooting for an interview should be very good and it should last, you know 45 minutes to an hour max But I've been in podcasts where I realized I think I've been talking for three hours and Nobody's that entertaining. I should not be longer than a David or as long as a David lean movie, you know I yeah, I totally agree

I the thing that fascinates me about this what someone explained to me is just that because I always say should you have a Visual component and the idea of the headphones or the little earbuds in your ear It's like literally Conan is right next to you in your ear and then people are moving about in society Like they're squeezing avocados at gelsons to see which one is ripe and they're hearing us right now So that is a different kind of sport So it's a low threshold because they're just trying to get a fucking avocado first time I swore on this podcast trying to get a fucking avocado my mom would say you're talking rag time Which means you're talking gibberish, but my that's one of those things my mom would always say is you know, you're just talking rag time

It's all sixes and sevens talking rag time rag time. You're talking foolishness. Oh, yeah My mom's voice was truly like this. Really? She was very sweet. Yes She's when she got older. She'd say do you have a spoon when she was visiting? Oh, well, we why don't I don't know But well, do you have a strawberry? Well, no, we we don't we have blueberries, but I like strawberries Oh my god, I wish was she a tiny woman. Yes, did she was she sounds like she weighed like less than a raisin And it also when she when someone asked for eight when someone is sweet when someone asked for a strawberry It means they can live off that for a day Yeah, to her it was strawberry. It was like a 10 feet high. It was like land of the little she wanted to live in it

I want to climb a strawberry. I like to climb strawberries, but it's a fun voice and then my oh Jesus Christ My father talked like this and I remember the one of the last times I talked politics with him He goes, oh Jesus Christ I can't talk politics with you because you don't know shit He said that's yeah, well, it's just a grumpy old man, you know, they want to know us Conan They want to know, you know, they want to get inside Well, I would say if it's outrageous, it's contagious and that can come and like maybe Be comedy being outrageous and also being just authentic. Well, you told me something else like that all the time

I quote you all the time really because I you're very very smart about comedy. You're very analytical I think that's what what people don't know about you because you're such you can be such a silly Impressionistic performer is how seriously analytical you can be about About comedy and about how you think it works and how you think it doesn't work and you have a very keen eye For thank you when someone I'm glad I'm recording. Yeah, right. Yeah, go ahead You said something you said something to me once you came in and you looked at my studio Mm-hmm. You saw how small it was and you nodded your head. Yes, you said yeah comedy compression Yes, and I was like comedy compression the idea of so many people when they get a talk show

They think I want this to be huge. It's gonna be a big show. So this the stage has to be huge But as you know comedy works best in a small environment because it's just it's physics Like if there's an explosion if it's in a small space the explosion is much more powerful and rattles around Yeah, so when you come on my show and I've seen you do this, you know a million times You'll you'll come into the space and you will crush in that space and when it's smaller The laughs are just bouncing off the walls. It gives you energy their energy. Yes, and and so I've always quoted you whenever I've been in any kind of situation Where I'm gonna perform somewhere

Mm-hmm if I go into a room and it's massive and the ceiling is way up high not optimal I'm like, I don't I don't have comedy compression here. Mm-hmm. I can maybe do okay Yeah, so you know it you won't be blaming yourself when it's not quite as electric It just won't be it can't be no it can't be the room is your partner You can't you can't get past the bad room you could do okay, but then you're just working so hard But you know if I do my job right for me People will think I just showed up and I'm having a blast with very little preparation So that's kind of the the magic trick of it

My sister once when I was just happened to be in New York and Lorna'd asked me would you do the church lady on update? Whatever he told me Friday night. So Saturday morning. I'm like, okay, but there was a theme I'm riding it in the hotel room. She's just happened to be visiting me and so she's with me the whole day So she sees the calls and the changes and this we're going back and forth all day And then the fitting and going in and then throughout the night the riders want to meet with you and come back And we're gonna change this we're gonna cut this and she finally and then she followed me in the church lady dress I go come with me follow me now I've got to let go of everything every analytical bone in my body and

Slide out on update and just be completely free and loose so she came all the way with me So I'm gonna go through the whole thing and then back the other way where I went by Beyonce and Jay-Z High-fiving me. Well, I didn't know dang. She sounded like Paul McCartney. I didn't know Jane I didn't know that it was so much to it But like you if your job to you do all this stuff then you come out like Conan and Andy are just being silly tonight I mean on SNL in the early days. I would sometimes peek at the read-through on Wednesday I'd go too hard or too hard in rehearsal And then I figured out over time is to make sure as much as possible that even the dress show do well enough

For it to go on the air show but save some hook or some energy so that when you're doing it on the air show That little voice is going well. This is the best you've done it this week You don't want to think like that's not as good as the dress, but the stuff we put I'm getting more nervous about being in show Business, I'm rethinking my career choice because this is just too much pressure To prepare prepare prepare and let go, but maybe that's sort of like sex, you know, do you prepare? What do you how do you I don't I just sounded funny. I had no real joke, but it sounds funny She's usually you just prepare prepare prepare and actually have sex ed I've doing a this is a thing. I just started doing see if you think this is interesting

But my wife will always make this sound which it's it has a little hook to it It's like if she's we sit across from each other and we're doing our little check on the web in the morning She'll see something on Instagram. She'll go. Ah, and she doesn't go. Ah, she'll go Ah Where there's a hook and it goes up. But what does that mean? It's super empathy. It's like, ah That's the woman you want to be with when you have erectile dysfunction. That is the empathetic sound of someone going. Ah Sorry, I don't know and I think the rising at the end is giving hope that that the penis itself will rise again Do you know I'm saying maybe I don't mean that that there's a there's a little bit of optimism to the sadness

Don't you think I I don't really have erectile But I can't think of a better line for that but I I do I just tell women that they're they're winning. They're winning Men men have gotten the message. We're gonna be obsolete. We're just gonna be out near Bakersfield in the weeds wandering All men will be in Bakersfield, California wandering just loads of testosterone Just just shrunken down and women will evolve into six-foot-eight she bees just giant self-imprognating beans that will dominate the planet It's just a theory. No, I think you're right. I think men's time is up. I think you know not to use the times up But well, what do you find a sexiest in a man? I think yeah, I think you've had a very long run You mean ask me personally or just all men all men. Oh good

I you two and Matt you as well you you're you're three of the good ones, but there's a lot of garbage out there Yeah, you had that just a lot of garbage. Can you sign something that says we're the three of the good ones? No, cuz I know is what you always wonder where some of the me too men are you know cuz they're kind of like lepers They can't go out in society. No, and where are they where they're on they're on Predator Island It's near Hawaii. They got Cosby out of prison Cosby meet you on the dock Arald is the host welcome to I won't do any more because it's probably too much for podcasts now. What are you talking about? That was fantastic. It's very right. I like the island Harvey Weinstein's on the hill. Let's see if we can get the clear shot

Listen to the sound of a super predator Tom Broca, what are you doing here? I leaned in for an inappropriate kiss 25 years ago. Oh now I have to live on I like you Tom, I'll give you 10 seconds So that's evolving so you're saying if you did that at Largo a small Lucy Goosey theater where where people are supposed to Millennials thrive they wouldn't be on the floor with that good question That one's probably just topic-wise as edgy as I could get so it might get them because it's if it's outrageous But I don't know I like Predator Island. I just I think that's fun Right, I think that's great next week. We're going to visit Roseanne Potter and Megan Kelly. They live in racist lagoon

Sometimes you just have to use Arnold's voice is they live in that is lagoon is the best again It just makes me happy in life. That's all I've got is comedy and my occasional dinner with you You know what? I love our dinners. I've loved this because This is really fun. But you know what this has been I'll go on the record. I mean I I don't know No, you don't this is being recorded. He keeps holding his phone up to record me saying things We're in a podcast. Well, no, I have a it's called podcast podcast So I just record every podcast I'm on and post it. So yeah, thank you It's been a pleasure as a just podcast podcast. I'm hard to think of

You have given me more joy in my life through just how funny you are and now I don't know how personally Nice you've always been to me and how smart you are about comedy Thank you. How I mean, no, no, he really is he Dana is Just a rare talent always have this thing that I was Famous first and doing well in Saturday night live and you were quote-unquote nobody, right? And so we just have this relation with that in other words dovetails to the theme of the show I really see Conan. Yeah, because I didn't meet you when you're famous, right? You see the real me. I see you and it's not pretty

but But I think also one said it was it was fun when we would do stuff and then like when Kevin and I hatched Hans and Frans And it was Kevin had this brilliant turn of like the them becoming defensive Yeah, and if you think we can't do that we could very easily stretch your botics out, you know And then you especially came around pretty early and started writing for that sketch and actually could do the voice for hours Yeah, and get into and then we wrote the movie together and we really laughed. That was a great movie that we've never made I know too much Arnold Why didn't know how movie stars operated? It wasn't Arnold's fault. He had 20 movies and you know

Development right and we just thought we're writing Arnold in our movie. He'll do our movie You know, sorry fellas. He's not gonna happen. We're gonna do jingle out the way He did what was last action hero last action hero and that was attempted to comedy and it didn't work out And so then he said no more comedies. See that will always make me laugh. I don't know why it's just something about the screaming One note my yelling Give it to me This is a pure delight. Can we do this again? Let's do it again. I'm in the neighborhood Also anytime you want to do the John asks Paul questions about what's going on on earth podcast

I will do that You will do 99% of it now just occasionally say The mid-tunes came, you know, and the Democrats go we're gonna get in there, you know, and they got a lot of birds elected You know, it's a lot good for equality, you know I mean it's like just fun. Yeah, just fun. All of them are fun. I want to thank Jeff Bridges Johnny Carson And Conan O'Brien, but yeah, we're and Jimmy Stewart. You're just what is it? Just look at it. Yeah Well now look away So creepy yeah, no now look back at it

She has to look away So she can look back at it because if she's continually looking at it There's no break dynamically by the way, you were going for the heartstrings and that would have been a good thing But yeah, I'm really happy to have you as a friend. No one better. No one better than the car. We do operate On a lot of different levels intellectually and comedically wise. So we have very interesting three-hour Conversations with a couple of pups I had two reeky dinks up with a twist at the rusty nail, but what he did is I had two slippery monkeys at the hook Okay

I'm ending this now. I'm filling the room with foam. Thank you for a podcast podcast Thank you. God bless you. Dana Carvey better than other humans And now it's time for another installment of Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house In the past I've played true or false where I asked so not a true or false question about a Way in which you may have Mishandled your job or your duties, but I thought that I'd give you a chance to ask me a true or false, right? Okay, so true or false. Yeah, you travel a lot for work. I travel constantly between the Comedy tour and the travel shows that we do and it's just non-stop

And I don't have the statistics to back this up But I'm gonna say about 95% of the time you forget something very valuable either in a car in your hotel room or on the plane and then I Have to email and call a lot of people to try to track these items down true or false Well, I don't know that it's 95% of the time. It's 95% I would say it's over 90% I think it's somewhere between 90 and 95% Of the time you're bringing up something that is absolutely true And it's starting to worry me a little bit and I'm putting this out there because there might be someone who's listening

Who's a neurologist? I could go see a neurologist. Well, guess what? There's a way to get free medical advice and it's to talk about your issue on a podcast A lot of smart people listen to podcasts. There's probably a Neuroscientist out there listening right now and they would contact you Listening right now and they would contact us and say Conan. That sounds bad. I will tell you listening to your podcast Just listen. Sorry. Yes. Lots of smart people are listening right now. Okay. It has been a real issue for me I leave things I shed all of my belongings as I travel. Uh-huh. It's just they fly off of me So, you know this to be a true story last night walked off the plane

You know get a car I'm headed back away from the airport realize I left my phone on the plane Now if you're going to if you're going to forget Something forget your paper clips forget. Oh my guitar pick. Oh, I forgot You know, I had a little bit of that sandwich left and I left it on the plane accidentally Don't forget the most important thing is my phone and also my phone has that little sleeve in it that has my driver's license Yeah, my cash card. Yeah, and my credit card. Yeah, I lose it So I turn around I go back to the airport with the help of some very nice people we find my phone That took two and a half hours of me looking for a phone and guess what?

I was gonna call you to ask you what should I do and the guy driving me had a cell phone I don't know your cell phone number Because I just punch Sona on my phone So I don't know your cell phone number and we've worked for me for ten years and had the same cell phone number I have I am a lost child whose brain is spiraling out of control. It is. I lost my Kindle. Yes Which I had to get into today. Well, I think we just agreed that it's gone It's gone and I'm gonna have to get another Kindle by the way I don't think Kindle they don't they don't advertise on this show. So I'm not gonna give them any free air, but

Maybe they will if you say something nice. It's a great. I love the Kindle. Yeah, it's a fantastic product And I really do think and now I'm missing one. Maybe one of your neuroscientist Listeners can just don't be a wise ass. I'm saying I am concerned that I am rapidly losing things I lose things constantly and I'm always telling you so in it Can you call that hotel because I think I left behind and you know my my left shoe? Yeah, and I wore one shoe on the way home and didn't notice I mean this is a concern to me and so I'm just putting it out there if There is anyone who's involved in the neuro sciences the chemistry of the brain who can help me out

I'm concerned. I have trouble coming up with names. It's a problem and I'm worried about it I'm hoping it's just there's a lot for me to keep track of and I'm a busy guy. Yeah, but when I lost that phone I was so mad at myself. It's of course I took it out on everyone around me But that's what you do when you're angry with yourself you lash out at those around you or you can take Responsibility for your own action. That's funny. Anyway That's true, I do lose things all the time and I implore those of you listening right now if you care about me and you're doing groundbreaking research in the fields of memory and Cognitive loss, please get in touch with me and give me free advice about what to do

Or if you've ever found anything that looks like it might belong to yes Conan O'Brien if you see it turn it to if you see a Kindle out there or earbuds or headphones Yeah, all the time, you know just other electronics if you see any electronics out there Or any device that doesn't seem to have an owner. It's mine. It should be returned to me immediately I'm also missing a E-Series Jaguar from the mid 60s and mint condition if you see one of those around and even looks like it belongs to somebody It's mine and you should get that old rich guy driving it and Pull him out of the car and drive the car to me because that's my car. I lost it

Remember when I lost that E-Series Jaguar. Yeah, yes. Yes, very good. You're in Prove training Working out well. Yes, and everyone I lost that giant jewel that just that jewel that jewel You see if you're not specific if you're vague People think there's more jewelry headed my way that jewel that jewel remember that jewel I used to carry around It wasn't even in a setting. It wasn't on a necklace. I used to carry it. Remember that phase in my career It was like 2006 to 2009 I carried a jewel a big jewel remember that and then I lost it if you see a jewel out there It's mine send it along

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonamov Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself Produced by me Matt Gorely Executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf Special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song incidental music by Jimmy Vavino You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode Got a question for Conan call the team Cocoa hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message It too could be featured on a future episode

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts stitcher or wherever find podcasts or download It has been a team Cocoa production in association with Earwolf