Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Dana Carvey Returns

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

Dana Carvey feels stupefied about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Dana sits down with Conan once again to discuss winding up on a Neil Young bootleg album, stretching out an impression, developing his new Team Coco podcast The Weird Place with his sons, and more.  Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

My name is Dana Carvey and I feel stupefied about being Conan's O'Brien's best friend. What the hell happened there? You had an air bubble in your brain. Well, I was thinking best or friend. I can do it again. No, no. I like that one. Because...

I feel stupefied. I just think of a cool word. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walk in the blues, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined here as always by my stalwart companions. Hey.

Sonam Obsession. Sonam, how are you? Very well. And Mr. Matt, do you ever go by Matthew or is it always Matt? It's Matt and this is, I think, the third or fourth time we've covered that. What about Matthias? Oh, German? Yeah.

We can do that. You wanna try that? Wanna try Matthias? Matthias. Matthias Gohle. Matthias Gohle. Matthias Gohle. He could be Matthias Gohle.

That's cool. Yeah. We should discuss quickly that you've had a milestone. Sonam, your twins are now one year old. I kept my two boys alive for a year. Well done. It really does feel like that. I remembered my wife saying the same thing about our daughter, Nev, when she hit one

year old. My wife turned to me and said, I kept her alive for a year. Yeah. I completely understand that. Yeah, especially now when you're not, there's two of them too, so you're not always looking at them and then sometimes you'll look over and one will have a full on twig in his mouth just eating it or like, you know, a rock that they're just eating once. Where do they get a hold of these twigs and rocks?

Are you in the house or outside of the house? We chill outside. You're feeding your kids twigs and rocks? Yeah. Well, one time. That's not the twig I gave you to eat. One time I was in the same room with them and they opened up the glass sliding door and they crawled outside and I didn't know until I heard Mikey squeal with just laughter

and I look over and they're not in the house at all. They've just fully crawled. I was in the same room with them, so this is why I'm really excited. Then you hear a car start-up. That's hilarious. It'll always make me laugh when either a little child wanders off camera and there's a pause or an animal wanders and then you hear a car start-up. It just always cracks me up when a puppy rounds the corner and then you hear a car start-up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But your feelings toward Charlie haven't gotten any better and I think that you- I have beef with Charlie. Yeah. But it's been months and he's a one-year-old but every time you're like, how's Mikey doing? I'm like, I have two kids. I intentionally only ask how Mikey is because Charlie didn't laugh when I was doing my stick and man was I working it.

He wasn't going for it, so I decided, all right, I'm just, we're not, this isn't happening. He's dead to you. He's dead to me. Wow. He was so literally, he was a little baby. So what? He dissed me and it's up to him to make, it's up to him to settle the beef. He's going to drive to your house and settle it.

Well, congratulations. Thank you. That's a big deal. Thank you very much. I know. But now they can move and walk. I remember because it's, I remember very clearly when you told me that the babies had been born because in the womb, I didn't know what to call them.

I called them Rub and Tug. You did. We've never really discussed this, but you called my babies Rub and Tug. Yeah. Cause they didn't have names yet. And then you said, I've given them these great old ancestral Armenian names, Mikey and Charlie. When you guys saw them, did you just say this one's a Mikey and this one's a Charlie?

You had those names ready to go? No, no, I think someone had to tack the paperwork and he panicked and just put those two names. I'm not even kidding. I didn't know what we were going to name them and then he just wrote those names down on the birth certificate. Wait, wait, what? That's how you came up with the name? I've discussed those names.

We talked about certain names, but we hadn't settled on them. And then I walked in and he's filling out paperwork and I said, are you writing names down? He goes, yeah. And I'm like, which, which names? He also wrote down their religion is Islam. Oh, I panicked. I just wrote Islam.

Hey, for city of birth, you wrote Akron, Ohio. I just panicked. Wait, this, these aren't their footprints. Did you put it in there? I know I panicked. I used our cat paw print and our gerbil's footprint. I just panicked. He did.

He stood right here, occupation astronaut, an oil speculator. I panicked. I panicked. I thought I had to write something, so I wrote it down. I would love that if all these crucial things were handled by, hey, our kids are going to the one military academy. They're only, I panicked. I panicked.

I just, they're going to West Point. They're five, TAC. I don't know what to do. I panicked. I panicked. I panicked. Oh man. It is.

It's fun. And Glenn's not far behind because she's exactly three months younger than the boys. Yeah, she's nine months now and acting every day of it. What? Well, I wasn't around for the raising of my children. That's probably the best. I had a career to tend to. You had a podcast to tend to.

Exactly. Like drawing. I said, I know, I'm drawing a little guy. He did them a service. There's a wrap sign for you. Thanks a lot there, buddy. We don't have a lot of time today because our guest is so spectacular that we will not be having a little segment later.

We're going to just devote the entire podcast to this gentleman. And when I say his name, you'll understand exactly why. My guest today is an absolutely divinely hilarious comedian who was, of course, a cast member on Saturday Night Live. Now co-hosts a podcast with David Spade called Fly on the Wall available wherever you get your podcasts. He's also working on a new scripted podcast for Team Coco called The Weird Place. Love this with episodes coming soon.

I'm very excited. He's with us today. My good friend and always a comedic inspiration. Dana Carvey. Welcome. Oh, man, I thought of this thing today. I just thought of it a minute ago. Wait, I have something I want to say.

Fee-fi-fo-fudio. Someone's got a podcast studio. Oh, wait, my stupid meter is blowing up right now. I know. It was way into the red and it just blew up. Go ahead. That's right. What do you think of the place we have here?

It's the greatest place I've been in a podcast studio. I'm not kidding. I'm not. The lighting in here and the dark blue, it's like a spaceship. It's so casual. There's giant windows. It's over an hidden part of LA, a shitty part of LA, so it probably got it for a song.

Got it for nothing. A little bit of this. I love shitholes. That's all I'm saying. I love the casualness of a place that needs work. It was abandoned when we found it. And we didn't even buy it. All we did was squat here and then we got eminent domain.

I saw a varmint in the garage. Careful, that guy works for us. I named it Love It. It was like a cockroach. It was a squirrel fucked a cockroach. And it looked like Johnny L. Nice section. You keep up with John Leavitts at all?

Oh yeah. Hello. John is a happy guy most of the time. Unless you start talking about why the Liar movie didn't get made. 1985. Every other character was made into a movie except the Liar. Why? He will tell me.

I don't know. You know why? Because it was funny. That was John's great thing when sketches would get cut. They don't like it. Well really, you know why? Why? Because it's funny.

That's why they don't like it. You remember he used to come by the writers when I was working there and he would pitch us on this catchphrase. He always wanted a new catchphrase. Oh yeah. You remember what they were? Oh god. Get to know me, right?

Get to know me. Like he had a character that would just every three seconds say, goodbye everybody, goodbye. Yeah. He invented the Hershey's. He's talked about this. Oh shit. This is the problem. Goodbye everybody, goodbye.

This is the problem. That's okay. Don't worry about it. Listen. I have early onset dementia. So this is brand new to me. So your name's Dana Carvey, is it? Dana Garneau last time I checked.

My wife and I got lost in a park in Northern California and we got so silly that we would ask people, excuse me, we have early onset dementia. Do you know where the park is? Well you're in the park, motherfucker. Doing a little Jack Nicholson here. We are the god, did you know the movie, The Last Detail? Yes. And the quotes from it?

I don't know all the quotes from it. No, I don't. Oh yeah. For your listeners because I love it so much. Jack Nicholson is in a bar. He's a Navy shore patrol guy. He's bringing Randy Quaid as a prisoner and the bartender's giving him shit and he goes I'm going to call the shore patrol, this is the bartender.

And Nicholson says, we are the god damn shore patrol, motherfucker. And then he takes out this giant gun and he says, this ain't no horse's cock. And nothing's ever better. Oh my god. My friend and I, Larry Bubbles Brown, when sometimes we'll drive to gigs, touring kind of, and we show up and sometimes they go, are you with the show? And that, we are the god damn show, motherfucker. Jack him up against the wall.

Listen, squirt. And we'll do that for hours. Jack him up against the wall. And instead of a gun, what do you take out of your pocket? It's just like my hand, my minute, like I did here for you listeners or maybe this will be a clip on YouTube. You never know. I just think in my head, clip, not a clip, clip, not a clip.

I'm not at the age where cameras are friendly because it's like, is he young, is he old? What is he? You look very good. I need to look a lot older. You are, look, you have always been a very youthful looking fellow and you are proof that how you feel influences how you look because you look very young. Thank you, Conan. You do.

I met you in 88, 1988 and you were quite youthful then. You were actually quite youthful. I got carted by not a mentally ill person who spoke English at age 53. Boom, in Vegas. I had a baseball cap and a turtleneck on and asked for a straight vodka and some bazooka Joe gum. No, I like being older. It's better, but I'll be, it'll be cool to just be really old.

Like just long gray hair and just be weird. Well, also I want to be a burden on people around me. I kind of am now, but I actually do look forward to yelling at people to carry me to a toilet. You know, just really dreary looking at her. No, no, no. I'm busy. I gotta go number two. I'm busy.

And then I just make my body limp and lean over a little bit like she's going to have to carry me. Oh, it gets twisted. My sweet mama went to the stars. She was in a place and there was a woman in the place and it was 10,000 a month. You're using all these euphemisms. She was in a place and then she went to the stars. Yeah. When someone dies, I say they went to the stars because you know, we're all made of stars,

which I wrote a song called that before Moby did his song. But everything in you was a star and then it blew up and got here. These atoms became you and then you'll go back to being a star and you were a star in between. Oh. Star to star. But you guys can use it. I think it feels more positive. Oh, he went to the stars.

I like it. I said that to people in morning because I say we're all going to become stars again. We will molder in our graves guy. You know, that's what I am. Why are you going to be? Well, let's get to it. Are you are you going to be cremated? Because I know a guy.

I got a guy with an oven. I don't want to do it just now. I like a guy. I got a guy. Does he have a crematorium? Not really. But he burns stuff and he'll burn you up. I like when people start a sentence like this.

Don't take this the wrong way. But you're being a little morbid. Anyway, no, go to the stars. Listen, this has been really fun. Why are you wrapping up? Put that piece of paper away. I'm going to take it away from you. I can't have paper in front of me.

You're such a fidgety guy. I know. I have to say you've come a long way because the first time you and I did a podcast together. Yes. You came with all these like Venn diagrams of bits and sticks and stuff. And now that you've been doing your own podcast and you're a seasoned vet. I didn't know it. You show up and you just are yourself, which is such a delight.

Now you were a delight last time, but you kept, before we did the podcast, you were like, which one should I do? What do you think? Number seven? Number 17B? Explain this to the listeners. I literally, we did the deep dives. I literally didn't know what a podcast was.

And I've been doing a lot of clubs with my kids. So I had a lot of leftover fragments, which are great for podcasting. You don't need a real beginning, middle, or end. So that's what I was doing. And then later on I was listening to more podcasts and I went, that's not what podcasting is. It's the show before the show, before the show. My observation is that when you've spent years and years and years trying to think of, okay, what are we going to do?

What's the order of it? We got to rewrite it. Is it going to work? Planning, getting ready, audience loads in, you go, you get one shot at it. And then podcasting is this whole other world. And I'm constantly saying to Matt and Son, like, okay, what are we going to, let's think about what we're going to do. And they're like, no, man, you don't think about it, man.

You just start talking and no one gives a shit, man. What is that? What is that? It's jazz. And he says, jazz, man. No, it's right. I mean, look, if Sinatra was around now, he would come out, he would take his hairpiece off.

This is the real me, kids. Right. And I'm going to talk about how I got a cyst on my ass and, you know. And all the magic would be gone. Do you want me to sing? No, we don't want you to sing. We want to know. I mean, would you rather see Neil Young?

I actually, am I rambling here? No. No. So I... And that's okay. It's a podcast. So here's what happened. Yeah, man.

Yeah, it's jazz. It's the words you don't say. So yeah. So I think it's the film or West or something. This is like in the 90s. I'm backstage. Or maybe the 80s. I'm in San Francisco to see Neil Young.

And then I hear Dana Kirby come backstage. Oh my God. Dana Kirby. Because we'd all interacted with Neil a little bit. So I go back down this long tunnel and he's in his big motor home and he's cooking pasta. And he goes, you know, maybe you could do a few minutes, you know, because this pasta is going to kick in. It's going to kick in.

So I got to do a few minutes. So I had a bid I did and stand up in 1980, which was, you know, it's hacky, but it was fun. Neil Young sings after the gold rich. But it's a hamburger commercial. Oh, I want to hear it. Well, I dreamed I saw the golden arches in the yellow haze of the sun. There were burgers frying and I ain't lyin'.

So they said, ladies and gentlemen, your hero won't be up. They pushed me out. Here comes Dan Agarfo. And so I did that. It's always, no one ever gets my name right. Dan Agarfo. Yeah. It'd be like, Kirkie bra bra.

So then I sang that acapello with that go and they're like, hey, okay, did that. I bet that too. Don't say, I bet that killed. It did. Yes. There you go. Okay. Oops.

Sorry. It's my brand. I killed. No, but then 10 years later, my kids are in school up there and it comes up to me. Hey, man, I just got this Neil Young bootleg album, man, and you're on it. So that song was recorded. I was part of a bootleg album. That's fantastic.

And that is the Neil Young Burger King story, whatever, McDonald's. But anyway, we'll be right back. We're here with Conan O'Brien. This is all together. I know that you love Kevin Nealon and one of my favorite things, Kevin, one of my favorite things Kevin Nealon did on the talk show and all the writers loved this is that he and I are talking. He's doing really well.

He's killing. And then there was just a little lull. You and Nealon are very self-conscious of a lull like, oh, there's a lull, something has to happen. And so, you know, you'll always come up with something or say like, you know, you'll do some shtick because you can't have the silence. So then it just gets quiet just for a fraction of a second. And Nealon went, this is on the TV show.

Where is our waiter? Kevin has the best, driest throwaways of anybody, I think, and I'm a dancing puppy. I have to have laughs and I have to kill or I think I'll be dismissed. I have to repeat this. There was a disease. There was kind of a. There was kind of a. There was a private, I don't, I don't think, I mean, there may have been cameras there,

but I don't think it's going to be repeated or anything, but it was part of the Netflix comedy festival. And they asked me to host this thing for Norm MacDonald and a bunch of people spoke. And everyone was saying really great stuff and a lot of people were funny. But man, Kevin Nealon had the greatest line because a lot of us were talking about how brave Norm was and he really was, he was fearless as a comedian. And then Kevin Nealon gets up and he says, you know, he's saying very funny things and he says, you know, a lot of people up here are talking about how Norm MacDonald was brave

in his comedy. I think of it more as a lack of judgment. It was just like, oh my God, that was the best line of the night. Just bad judgment, I think. Norm had that gear of not caring or wanting, like he would walk rooms. I know Larry Bubbles Brown, a friend of mine from North, Norm worked a bit and he could clear the room. San Jose Improv, like at least 300 people slowly walked out.

So it's bravery or, or whatever. I worked with him at the comedy store once. It was just one of those nights, Bill Burrow was there was just a, and he just, he just said the word cock like 200 times. Right. This guy's got a cock, right? And a cock. He just knew how funny it was to say that over and over and over.

So of course the comedians love that kind of comedian. We're all dying. Right. Yeah. What, where do we go with this? And he just went, there's only one norm. I always love it when, and one of the first people I saw do this live was Gilbert Godfrey, who also sadly recently.

God rest his soul. Yeah. Which I like to say that. Yeah. Well, he's a star now. He went up to the stars. Well, a good friend of mine died and he was from Brooklyn and he always used to say that. So my mother, you know, a really good friend.

My mother, you know, God rest his soul. My father, God rest his soul. And I thought it was such a nice. Yeah. But if you're talking about historical figures, you can't, you can't say like, so anyway, George Washington, God rest his soul is meeting with my great, great, great, great, great great-grandfather's soul. And then he turns to Paul, God rest his soul.

And then of course, God rest his soul. You know, I used to. I'm Satan. You know, fuck that guy. I thought of a, that's the only one, that's the only one you can talk about. I'm Satan, fuck that guy. But anyway, along comes Jimmy Stewart, God rest his soul. And the horse he rode in on.

God rest his soul. If he had a horse. I go ahead. There was a Saturday night live sketch I never wrote, but I used to, I used to act it out all the time, which is this boxer and he's like from Central America or something, but he's very religious. Yeah. And so he's, he's, he's got a fantastic, fantastic, he's so fast and he's so strong

and he's just an amazing boxer and they're going over the tape to see why he keeps losing. And every time before he throws a right, he has to cross himself. And so, and so it was just, and it's the guy saying, you got to stop doing that. And he's like, no, no, I can't, you know, so every time he goes to throw a right, he has to cross himself and then he gets nailed. That never became a sketch. No, no, there's a lot of those. There's a lot that I would just do literally in the mirror.

I would do, I would do a bit in the mirror. And that's actually a lot of sketches that I ended up writing were things, were nonsense that I would just do in the shower. Speaking of the crossing thing, I was flying with my wife's Irish nephew and you know, I'm a horrible flyer. I don't trust the premise, but being into two, eight miles up and he goes, oh, I have no fear of flying. I go, well, that's great, you know, and so we're about to go down the tar and I see

him cross himself. I go, well, what is that about? What do you, what do you got to cross yourself? There are no atheists in foxholes. When push comes to shove, everybody will, if this is going to give me one one thousandth of one percent of a chance, I'm going to cross myself. How Catholic are you? It's baked into my bones.

To the point that you believe in a higher power. Well, that's getting super personal and I see what you're doing here now. Well, let me check my notes. I used to do a bit about this, but I did say we all molder in our graves. Did you go every Sunday and did you go to? Oh, that's how I was raised. I would go every Sunday. Yeah, Catholic and I went through the whole thing.

My kids were raised Catholic. They were or they weren't? They were totally super Catholic. But wait, were you going to church with them or were you rolling yourself a jazz cigarette out on them? Let's not get carried away here. It's not so. You know, I don't do the big guy with the loincloth, so the savior looks like a surfer

with a 12 pack, is that sort of a soft pack? I love it when you become Dennis Miller makes me so happy. It makes me happy. I actually am wittier as Dennis Miller. You know, when I was scared of him at SNL, I was frightened of him because he was kind of intimidating. He wasn't super warm and fuzzy. And he was always sort of looking at you out of the corner of your eye like, who's this

guy right here? And what was his nickname for you again? He always has a nickname, Coco or Coney. No, I think it was Coney. I think it was like Conesy Wonsy and he was like, Conesy Wonsy. And I would say something innocent like, oh, you know, I'd be over at the craft service table and I'm like a 22-year-old pimply kid and I'd say, there's extra salmon over there if anyone wants it.

And he'd be like, well, he'd take it the wrong way. He'd think somehow that's me taking a shot at him and go like, oh, Conesy Wonsy taking a shot at old Dun Dun, huh? Well, the dukes come up, you know, and you're like, no, no, no, I'm not. I'm just trying to tell you there's salmon here. The dukes come up. Yeah. Nothing good happens after someone's saying Conesy Wonsy.

Conesy Wonsy. It's like, it's like, well, well, well, well, look what we got ourselves here. But. Nothing good happens after that. Dennis is a brilliant comedian. Yeah. He's got crazy references. Crazier references than anyone I've ever met.

Yes. The most specific references. Yeah. I've, I've mentioned the Christo one, right? I think on the, did I ever mention that one? I remember when he, he had it for a short period of time, he was doing NFL football. Oh, yeah. Definitely.

He was doing color commentating on NFL football and people were saying, is this going to work or not? Because, you know, you got all these massive football fans and then you've got this very intelligent comedian there doing references they may not get. So I'm there and I'm watching football and Al Michaels is, and they're, they're talking about some player on the sidelines and they're wrapping up his foot. And Al Michaels is like, oh man, they're going to, they're wrapping up his foot right now.

It doesn't look too good. You know, it looks like they're, they're going to be down one offensive lineman or something in Dennis Brown. Like, last time I saw a wrapping like that, it's when Christo did the Pont Neuf and the artist, the artist Christo, who wraps things, had wrapped something, had, had, you know, he like wraps and giant structures. And he did those orange flags in the park. Yeah.

And so Christo, Christo had wrapped at one point, the Pont Neuf is like the small island that's in the center of Paris. So you need to know that who Christo is, you need to know that Pont, the Pont Neuf is the island that's just south of the Île de la Cité, a tiny little island. And so you're sitting there and you got your beer and you're watching football. Yeah. And you're like, oh, they're taping, you know, last time I saw that much ramblings when Christo did the Pont Neuf.

And my, if I had had a wig, it had been, it would have been spinning on my head. And you can just hear Al Michaels say, uh, yeah, all right, let's, let's get back to get back to, uh, he'll break it down that when he does the references, the first one is a big 10 reference, then the second one is a smaller 10 third. By the fifth one, no one should really get it. Yeah. It's like Russian dolls. When you finally get to the last reference, it's something nobody knows.

His classic that always stuck in my head was I haven't seen choreography like this since the Lee RV Oswald Princeton transfer. And his early standup, you know, a craftmatic Ben, what's that all about sleeping in a craftmatic, you know, it goes up in that V, you wake up and you go, wait a minute, did I blow myself last night? You can be blue on a pot. Can I get one of those waters? You want to sell some water?

Yes. Do you push a button? They'll hear it. Because I don't want to go too hard on that. Now, 75 people in a special chamber are hearing you say, I might like a laquawa. And people listening to the podcast are clicking 30 seconds, 30 seconds, 30 seconds. No, not with you. They're not.

No, no, no. Look, you have notes. You don't need notes with me. I was just trying to look what your name was. Oh yeah, there you are. Dana Karp. My newest impression is you can do if you want. What?

Teach me one. Greta Thunberg. How dare you? That's it? Yes. How dare you? You got it. How dare you?

How dare you? A 14-year-old telling the whole planet about climate change. How dare you? Some guy's drinking a beer, watching the Detroit Lions, getting admonished by a Scandinavian. Right out of preschool. She's got the information. See? I got that.

That was all this. Last time you were talking, you had a redneck comedian that you were working on? Yeah. And I love that guy. Red redneck-y, the redneck comedian. Here we go. Why can't you come up with, why can't you, you know what I love? Thank you.

You know what? You know what really cracks me up is that, uh-oh, here we go. Here, it's not LaCroix. No, no, we can't promote them, even though. A little bit of an adult beverage, a little Bud Light. I want them to think I'm drinking. Oh, man, that was good. That was one of those things I just wrote down on a card once, because I like the idea

of redneck comedians, or red redneck-y, the redneck comedian. I had nothing else. Because I like Southern comics. I think they're brilliant. You know, Foxworthy and those guys. This is like a really bad guy who would like to be part of, you know, the cable guy. Larry the cable guy. Larry the cable guy.

Have you seen earlier footage of Larry the cable guy? Yeah, he's Dan, and he's a regular standup. Yeah, and he's like, he was a senior partner at a law firm or something. Oh, he's very thoughtful. He's very, yeah, he's sweet. I met him once at Tahoe. Yeah, no, he went to Princeton. I mean, I'm just totally ruining his, but I've seen early footage of him, and he was

a totally different person, and then he became that other guy. And I think he did it as part of his standup, and I think it was David Spade, or said, hey buddy, you should just do that, you know. And that was the beginning. But Red Red Necky is like a bad comedian. It started with, I'm Red Red Necky, the Red Neck comedian. You ever fart so loud, a dog, two stayed away, go, what that? Come and get some.

No, wait, that's the catch phrase. Let me see it. And then he says, come and get some. Come and get some. And his thing is he, he pulls his fist in, come and get some. You ever crap so big, you don't know, go and get down that turret, come and get some. Wait a minute, that's not a joke. None of it is a joke.

I love it. I love it. It gets worse. Get down there. No, no. But I like how the second one, the first one's terrible, and then the second one makes the dog farting, the dog hearing a fart two counties away, actually sound quite crafted. It's like three penny opera compared to the toilet one.

The second one's just a legitimate concern. Yeah. But then it went to, you ever start feeling chest pains and then you think maybe I'm having a heart attack? Come and get some. Wait a minute. It's very negative, but the come and get some is so positive, you know. I'm red, red, negative, redneck comedian.

I made my sister, only because mama took me down, come and get some. Do you have a worry that when a child's missing for over three days that maybe they've been abducted and killed, come and get some. These are just, these are just, these are just, as Matt says, legitimate concerns. I didn't know how funny it was until I saw you do it. My grandpa, I always have to do that. I'm red, red, necky, the red, red, red, comedian. My grandpa invented the phrase, dollars to donuts.

Every time he got a dollar, he bought a donut. He died at 37, come and get some. That's kind of a good one. That's a great one. Do you ever worry that if the earth gets too warm that all the icebergs will melt and sea revels will rise and we won't be able to have sustainable farming, come and get some? Like a long run, man. My mama said, what do you want, what's your dream, red?

I said, I don't know, live in a shack and drink beer all day. She said, red, never dream too big because you always end up disappointed, come and get some. I was kind of a sophisticated one. That's a good one. Yeah. Have you ever found a mass in your armpit? You let it go for a while, but then you take a doctor and you find out the cancer spreads

so I turned to my, oh my God. Sandler became a fan of this, so we were texting back and forth doing this, and that's where I came up. It was kind of that idea. It was just, I was in my car doing the walkie talkie stuff. Yep, yep. Red, red, necky, the red, neck comedian. My doctor said he had to amputate my left foot.

I said, can I keep my right foot? He said, sure, I said, call McGee's home. So it's so positive, it's actually a positive affirmation. Sure, sure. And people sent us t-shirts, cause I did it on the other podcast, I love that kind of stuff. I got tons of them. Now let's talk about Spain.

Oh, I have one more. Oh yeah, go ahead, go ahead. I said to mama, what's for dinner? She said, roadkill. I said, what kind? She says, I gotta take a drive. Come on, give it some home. That's actually kind of clever.

You kind of veered into almost a joke there, which kind of ruined it for me, you know? It's like my only favorite, and that's what she says, are ones that don't make any sense. Yeah, no, I like that better. Those are my favorites are, and I would do this at rehearsal for years. Intentionally, I would just try and think of,

the problem with, that's what she said, is that it usually works, you know what I mean? It usually kind of makes sense, but you have to really work hard for someone to say like, well, the secret of a plasma screen TV is it uses ion gas, and that's really how it actually gets a clearer picture.

That's what she said. And I would do that sometimes, and I would, people would, I could see sometimes, most people would be like, that doesn't make any sense, but occasionally I'd see people who'd be like, yeah, nailed it, and I'd be like. Somehow they're doing the math to connect that to that's what she said.

What is the classic that's what she said? Is it just? Like this is so hard, that's what she said. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're being really hard on me. You're being so hard on me, and now we're having vaginal intercourse. Oh, God, come on, you don't say intercourse, I know. Oh, I like ones that are also way too specific.

You're a very unsatisfying lover as a male, that's what she said. Here's one of my very early stand-up, really hacky. Why does the ears, nose, and throat guy have such a specialty? Are there other doctors like that? Yeah, I do balls, toes, and ass. Come and get some home, come and get some home.

That's what she said. Let me talk to you about David Spade, because you guys started, you guys started a podcast. Fly on the Wall. Fly on the Wall, where you talk about SNL, and I know that- Someone here was a guest. That's right, I was a guest.

And one of our very favorites. Very favorites, and I had a blast talking to you guys, but a fantastic concept for a show, you're the best people to do it, and I'm just curious, you're really getting to know Spade, I know you've known Spade for a long time, as have I. What a character, what an unusual fellow. This is your chance to talk about Spade

without him being in the room. David Spade. Yeah. Well, I met him when he was like 21. I was living with Neland in Beechwood Canyon. I had not gotten on SNL. And then I met him then, he was like the surfer dude from Arizona, had a skateboard, hey buddy.

Always smart and funny. Then now, to get to know him now, it's interesting. He's kind of ultimately, he's like a gentle person underneath. There's no really anger about him, you know? I think he's had a good life. I mean, I think he's done, he's one of those people who think, if I'm not wrong, has done many of the things he wanted to do.

Do you know what I mean? I don't think there's a lot of repression there. Fred Wolf, who knows him very well to your point, said yeah, he loves his life. He has a beautiful mansion, he's got an elevator in it, and there's a little protein bar in the elevator because he has hyperglycemia. So in case the elevator got stuck,

he would have something to eat. What? He keeps a protein bar? How high is the mansion? Is it? I mean, you're making it sound like, well, it's a nine minute ride up to the top. Driveway was so long I had to stop at a shell station

along the way. I took like 40 minutes to get to the main. Carter, you know, he's got quite a house. I would get scared. I rented a mansion once in Malibu, and it terrified me. I didn't like coming out and seeing 100 feet long hallway. I just saw something in it's out there trying to kill me. Right.

I mean, yeah. There's like a suit of armor in the hallway. You know what, you're not that kind of guy. I don't really want or need anything. I'm just completely not. What are you, Johnny Appleseed? That's what she said. How could we connect, Johnny Appleseed?

Apples, balls, seeds, sex. I think it kind of works. Sorry, so that's what she said. At least I have no needs. You're just cropping yourself. Of course you do. No, I'm not a Jesuit priest. I'm fascinated by the fact that I don't want more things.

I know, I have no idea really why. I don't really, this is probably 10 years old. They don't even make these anymore. Let's tell, because I'm just trying to teach you about podcasts, you're gesturing out of your shirt. That's right. Sorry. Who are the listeners going, what's going on?

So what I love, you just said, I've had this, it'd be really funny if you had gestured to a solid gold watch. I've had this for like two years and I still hang on to it. Then you're an asshole. The fact that it's a t-shirt. A gap t-shirt.

Okay, there you go. Do you ever have a shirt you really like or some address or anything and then they discontinue it? So now you go to the gap to buy the t-shirt and it's like five times as thick. Yeah. But this is stretched out. I know this doesn't look good.

When first God was like that, because you know the neck does what it wants when it wants to, you know. My neck took a shit when I was 25. My neck said, see ya. My neck said, you know what? I'm getting crepey and I'm getting saggy and I'm doing it right now.

You're gonna wanna wear a fucking turtleneck your whole fucking life. Cause it all happened down here. I'm telling you, a lot of people in this town get self-conscious about the throat as we age. It gets sort of waddly and they do all kinds of things. You know what I'm gonna do? I've not touched this.

This is a Conan throat circa 1963. I'm just gonna start wearing giant Dr. Who scarves. Just long, really long wrap around you. That's what. And I'll wear them at like 110 degree temperature. A lot of women do that. By the way, full circle to David Spade. Spade has a short neck and a strong chin.

So there's nothing going on down there. I have a neck that's so long and so thin that when I took, HBO took pictures of me for a special and Gervits called me and goes, why are they talking in your picture? They're making a neck look like a fucking giraffe. I go, I don't think it's doctored. I think that's how long my neck is.

Mark Gervits saying again, I'm gonna explain to people out there. Mark Gervits, my manager. Your manager, who manages a lot of people have known Gervits forever. Yes, he's a real character. He's an absurd character. I love him.

I love him, but. He's Mr. Show business. He is Mr. Show business and. Yeah, he's turning into the pit bull, they're calling him the pit bull, which they used to call Bobby Slayton, the pit bull. The pit bull of comedy. Yeah.

Now, McCurry is the pit bull of managers. Bobby Slayton on the old late night show, he was this comedian who was, I guess, was he from, am I gonna say he's from Boston? Was he from? San Francisco. Oh wait, so why am I thinking? But he had this.

Oh, it's very East Coast. He's from New York. Yeah, he's from New York, that's what I'm saying. And so I think of San Francisco comics like yourself as being people that, the audiences there are very nurturing and so you can develop really silly comedy.

And then there are these comedians that come from parts of Boston or New York, where it's like they really had to do their stand-up at like the bottom of the East River, and amuse an oily eel, or they would die. Or they would die. So sometimes these comics would come

on my late night show and I'd be saying, oh, this is in the early days, in the early 90s. And I'd be saying, oh yeah, our next guest is, you know, Bobby Slayton or someone like that. And they would come rushing out. And they would basically just anger and was like, oh, who the fuck do you think you have? And start yelling at my crowd.

And I could see our crowd just starting to cry practically. Why is this man yelling at us? Did I do angry East Coast comics? No, I don't think so. It's New York or Boston, angry. This guy, I like the premise of a guy whose ideas predicated on being angry and disappointed, who becomes incredibly successful,

but still has to conjure up anger. No, it drives me fucking much. Fucking meter maids, you know? Driving a fucking golf cart around, pay my ticket, drives me nuts. How you doing? I got, you know, I got property. You know, I got some condos in Santa Monica.

I got a castle in Switzerland. What's your net worth? About 150 million, but you know what drives me out of my fucking mind? Convertibles, put a fucking roof up. You're driving around with no fucking roof, what are you doing? You know what drives me nuts?

What's that? Cyclone fences, get a fucking fence. What do you got, holes in the thing? So you're saying you're worth about 150 million? I got about 150 million large. I just bought on a problem building on the West side. It's looking pretty good. Would you say most of your dreams in life have come true?

Yeah, you know, I own a lot of property. I'm pretty much set. Wow, it sounds really great. I got a G5, I fly in that. Sounds incredible. And you're happily married and you've got kids and everyone's healthy. Everything's good.

So what's bugging you these days? What's driving me nuts? You know what drives me out of my fucking mind, ladies and gentlemen? Tables. You can't, you can't hold a beverage. You gotta put a fucking beverage on a fucking table. Hold your fucking drink.

Drives me out of my mind. Now I gotta go to, I gotta go and get my suit fit. And I'm buying a $10,000 suit, but you know what drives me out of my fucking skull? What's that, what's that? Cotton candy. Is it a food product, is it half? What the fuck is there?

I love that the more stuff that happens great for this guy, do you know what I mean? Hey, guess what? You just, yeah, through some weird cortisol in an old manuscript, you now own most of Maui. We just realized, and so it's been ceded to you, it's now you, you now own all of Maui and you get to own it and you can sell it if you want.

You're now the richest man in the world. I got an island, but so much drives me out of my mind. What's that? Out of my mind? What's that? Curly fries. Fuckin', have a straight fly, what am I gonna do with a fucking circular fucking thing?

What are you doing with a curly fry? Give me a regular fucking fry, drives me nuts, I'm buying a yacht. You know, this is unprecedented, I just got word and no human has ever been told this in the history of civilization, but I've just been told that there has been direct communication with God and you are going to heaven

and you will enjoy heaven and the entire afterlife for all eternity, all of your dreams and wishes will come true and you'll see all your loved one, it's been verified, you're going to heaven no matter what you do. What's that? You know what drives you mad in my fucking mind? Yeah, uh-huh.

Spatulas. Spatulas. Spatulas. You can scrape it with a spoon or a regular knife. A spatula is nothing. It could be a little fucking knife. Call it a fucking, drives me out of my fucking mind. That's great.

No, pardon me. That's great, I always feel in a weird way. I'm swearing a lot. No, no, no, don't worry about it. What is this for, Nick at night? Take it easy. That's very good, Nick at night. No, but you know what, it is funny

because the person that makes me think about sometimes, it's almost touching a little on Seinfeld unintentionally, but you know the way everything has gone right for him in every way possible. Jerry is very... But he's very wealthy and beloved and everything always goes his way, but he still has to go like, you know, I got a problem.

Like, you really don't. You really don't have a problem, you know what I mean? That's true, he's more benign than this character, but yeah, he's still... Oh yeah, no, he's not mad, but he's just, he's still gotta come up with stuff. People are annoying. Jerry, is there anything wrong?

Do you have any problems? No. Is anything sad? But he's, he and Leno, oh, sorry. That's okay. Come on, what are you talking about? It's been 11 years. People would have had ways of living the whole.

They haven't told him yet. Just people with like, you know, Jerry was always kind of, he's like maybe two years older than me, but he was very much kind of in a superior position, put it that way, like a father figure, you know? Because Jerry was such a scientist about doing standup and you know, well, you need more punch lines, check your setup, you know, I would advise you.

I don't know what character this is. I blew my voice out on the other guy. You don't just be fucking nut your on a fucking podcast. The guy set you up for half hour, the vocal cords were shredded, you got another 45 minutes. Whenever I think about Jerry, it's just always goes back to who are these people?

That's, I always go to that for some reason. I'm not saying that's a good Jerry Seinfeld because it isn't, but I just was like, who are these people, you know, who are making these sneakers? I went for the, I don't know if I did this on our deep dive, but I do like doing it because it's such a non-sequitur. Jerry Seinfeld has a serial killer.

Uh-huh, let me hear it. What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm gonna take out your pancreas and cut around here. Then we're gonna go right in there. You know that other rhythm he does? Yeah, yeah. Like I think I'm the guy to be present.

I think I can cut out this. We'll take your kidneys, go like that's also, that's that other rhythm. Cause it's like, who are these people is up here? And then it's the guy who goes down here. I think I can do that's also, that's the one layer that I think Jimmy Fallon should do. Cause he does an incredible.

Yeah, he does a great one. Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh. So anyway, you've been great. I've also recorded this. Conan O'Brien has been my guest today. Oh, that's right. You should have just recorded this for your podcast. It would count.

Yeah, I should have pressed record. Here's my question. You guys, you and David, because we end up talking a lot on this show about SNL because I talked to people who are on the show. And Howard Stern does it. Yeah, and it's a fun thing to do, but you guys have this great perspective on that show

and you talk to all kinds of people who've hosted it over the years. And I knew you talked to Tom Hanks, who's hosted it like 75 times in SNL. And he, he seemed to have like an almost eerily incredible memory about everything. Yes. Like, you know, you talked to a lot of people

and they can't remember, I can't remember sketches I wrote and people will tell me you wrote that sketch and I'll think, I guess I did. It's been a long time. He remembers everything he ever did on SNL. Spade did a sketch with him when he hosted and it got cut and it had a song.

And Hanks remembers everything and the song. And then Hanks is quoting Chris Rock's NatX bits. Oh, NatX, I remember that. Yeah, I mean, he's an unbelievably enthusiastic person. He was just jumping, jumping all over the place. I mean, I really got, you know, when you do an interview with someone, maybe on Zoom as well, you get to know them in a certain,

it's very intimate in a way. Cause it's almost like you're staring at them the whole time. Right, right. So much more kind of casual. But I remember my memory of Tom Hanks hosting the years that I was there was that he would come in and he was like a kid in a candy shop.

He was delighted and he would stay up late at night and wander around and talk to all the writers and get very enthusiastic and pitch ideas. And, you know, it's really amazing because he has retained that level enthusiasm through an unprecedented amount of success. You know, he is the closest thing we have to a Jimmy Stewart today, a William Holden.

I mean, just like he is the movie star in America, in my opinion. Jimmy Stewart. Yeah, and he's, and yet he still has, I think if he went and hosted SNL today, he'd be that enthusiastic and giddy. Oh, he went crazy. I just asked him, you know, 60s kids stuff,

you know, super ball or slinky. Oh, you know, and he goes, well, super ball, you lose it in a second because it would fly. It was a ball that would just go slinky. It just all tied up. And he's just jumping up and down. He's going crazy. I asked him about movies he liked as a kid.

I said, what about Jason the Argonauts? And he literally, Jason the Argonauts, ha! I mean, it's just like. That's so funny because a similar guy is Jeff Goldblum. He brought up that exact film. We were just talking to Jeff Goldblum and he was describing his childhood in Pittsburgh in the 60s and he mentioned Jason and the Argonauts.

And, you know, he's a similar vintage as Hanks. And they're just guys that loved, I think, so much about their childhood and about their era and their enthusiasts. They're enthusiasts for a certain kind of cereal like quisp and quake that used to exist back then. Yeah. In my mind, I don't know what the literal definition

of formative years, but I think the end of innocence is maybe at 12 or 13. So between four or five and 12, all things being equal, they just, they really hit your brain. It's indelible. Like someone like you, you're a little, you're down a little bit for me. I'm saying, get smart.

You would have liked that. I love get smart. I saw these things in reruns. I didn't get to see them. Yeah, a lot of me too. So I'm really a 70s kid and these shows are canceled but they're showing them on reruns. And reruns are, you know, we didn't have,

we have one, as you know, one half of 1% of the amount of entertainment that exists today on a daily basis. There's just three networks and they're making some shows and every now and then there's a decent one. But they would show reruns of shows like get smart, which is still I think one of the funniest television shows of all time.

And Mel Brooks, Mel Brooks is a driving force behind it. And it was a takeoff on sort of the James Bond phenomenon. That show was so well done, so fantastic that years later I got to meet Don Adams, who was the star. He played agent Maxwell Smart. Don Adams, yeah. And I got to meet him and I, my mind melted. My mind completely melted that I had a chance.

Because as I've said before, many times here, when I get to meet somebody that was on my television screen when I was a little boy, nothing's bigger than that. No, it's completely surreal. Who was the person that would you say, I mean, you mentioned Jonathan Winters, but as you were going along, you must have, I know you met some huge movie stars who've been.

Well, I met Kirk Douglas and Bert Lancaster. Right. And their last movie that they did together. And right before I got SNL, I got cast in that movie. Right. So for me, those were like, I don't know, for kids today, would it be Brad Pitt and somebody? I don't, just incredibly huge movie stars.

I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable, but I was that age when you were on Saturday Night Live. And you were a God to me. And I used to repeat everything you did to my family. Really? Yeah. And oh, you were. Do you want to hang out?

Yes. Yes. But Dana, you know that. You know that, right? You get that all the time. And I want you to be uncomfortable, but you should, as you know that, you know that,

Oh, it's true. You know that I'm an advocate for therapy and I think a good therapy. Yes. I think a good therapy for you is to, because I know you're the type of personality, I'm somewhat familiar with it, who wants to push away good things

because we have that weird Irish distrust. Let's not let that settle. Right. This guy's going to fall in. Yeah, exactly. If I take in a good feeling, it will mean that it's immediately followed by absolute horror and shame.

Well, I... But you should take that, you need to take that in, that you are that person to so many people. I will say that that still is the greatest rush because you know, I don't think you stopped being motivated by fame and money a long time ago.

I mean, right? It's always about landing the joke or doing well, right? That's just the driving force. Yeah. I mean, it's a compulsion, but that's all it is. To me, it's total,

put me in any other period in history and I'm immediately beheaded. Yeah, I did that. I'm immediately beheaded. The Kerry Grant episode, the last one, right? Yeah, the handsome movie star. He was born in 1820 in Prussia.

Yeah. I can't believe it. I'm so good looking and I have incredible voice, but I'm a peasant in Prussia. If only there was a way to make my face bigger so people could see me all over the world. All I got to do is stand there

and be handsome and talk really weird. I'd make tons of money, give up to work on Red Grant. There was no such thing. I don't even know what you were talking about. I'll rake the fucking corn. Sorry. No, but I thought about the exact same thing many times,

which is me in a field in Ireland. Yeah. 150 years ago, doing the string dance and going, check this out, everybody. It looks like I have invisible strings on my... You fucking get back to work! Move the fucking stones!

Oh yeah, I used to do a bit about what would a... like a ventriloquist in Vegas now makes like 40 million a year. What if it was like the year 1200 in London or something? What can you... What is your...

What can you do for the king? You have any skills of the masonry or can you till the field or you know, I can chalk without moving my lips. Chalk without moving it? What kind of saucer is this? Of course you have to move your lips

to create the South Atlantic to create words. Show us this magic. That's fantastic. Chalk without moving my lips. I mean, think about all the stuff you've done and these little pieces that float out there and now this is the other thing I'm grateful for. We live in a world where

people used to have a whole body of work that could last 30 years in television but if it was on kinescope and then later on it was on tapes, a lot of them were thrown away and it doesn't exist anymore. And so the idea that this stuff is... I just love when stuff is online

and it might tickle somebody anywhere in the world. They might find it at any point. That makes me happy. I think comedy and I would say music is similar. It's just if someone does something funny just once, if I see him on a TV or a film, something that really hits me, then I'm kind of like a fan.

I don't even need more. Just one bit, one sketch, anything. And then if I get more, it's great. But I think people sharing catchphrases and rhythms and stuff because that kind of was my stock and trade or still is in a way. Because now hopefully it'll be like,

you know what drives me nuts? It doesn't matter what it is. I think it's cathartic and it's a way to communicate. My peer group in high school and college were all people with similar senses of humor and then it was we are the knights who say, meet, you know, it was Monty Python. Can I tell you something?

Share something about that? This is very embarrassing. I was in a play in high school and I had a monologue. And I threw in Dana Carvey doing George Bush in this monologue that had no... It was set in Naples, Italy. And it brought the house down.

And I got applause just for stealing your bit. And that's how big a family was. That was a good bit to do. But you didn't steal it. It was an homage. It was an homage. But in no context for this to be in there in a million years,

these were Italian... Do you remember what you said? You go, not gonna do it? I did. I did the not gonna do it. I put the hands together. And the audience just went crazy because, you know, let's be honest,

they were there to see a high school play and it probably wasn't doing it for them. And then they see a little bit of Dana Carvey and the world just... It was joyous. Well, look what happened. I mean, the president, President Bush at that time would say,

you know, not gonna do it and wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. And then four years later, he was like, not gonna do it. You know, it was extenuated into madness, which is what I love. That's the school of impression that I think that you exemplify.

And then when we were doing clutch cargoes on my show in the 90s, and Robert would be the lips, the whole idea was not to do an accurate impression. Yeah. And we're always a tip to cap to you, because these are Dana Carvey impressions. So I've heard people have heard,

you know, Bill Hader does a very accurate Arnold Schwarzenegger, and I was like, how accurate is it all? And it was like, you know, and that made me really laugh. And the fact that it was a cartoon, clutch cargo was a cartoon, but all of that,

I, you know, learned from you, stole from you. It was just, it's much more fun when you look at, when you look at a human being and then you treat them like silly putty and stretch them way out. So when I was at SNL, I watched, you know,

George H.W. Bush just said, well, we're not gonna do it, you know, and that was it. And you kept, I saw you, the years that I was there with you, you kept stretching it and stretching it, and I was like, I got it. I got it.

Oh, totally. You can't start there. You kept taking people with you. And to me, it was almost like someone who is working on your ligaments to slowly stretch them over a five-year period. You got people to the point where that's what they thought George H.W. Bush senior was

because you took them on that ride. And those rhythms just made me laugh as I was doing them. I think I would have got bored if I hadn't. But when you do the cold opening in SNL, it's a lockdown shot. So that's the only time you could ostensibly improvise because they had the camera blocking.

You could just go off. So I knew when I did the hands, not gonna do it or coming at you, sometimes if they went for it, I would do like 30 seconds of just hand gestures. Yeah. George Bush senior never did. Right.

But of course, I did so many events with him after the fact, and we became friends and we would do that together. And we did the classic thing where I was on stage and I'm going, I got that, I got that, when they print and he's slowly walking up behind me and I'm supposed to don't know he's there and they go crazy.

But yeah, I love it when I see people do exaggerate impressions and have fun with them and make them even better than they actually are. I love when I see that too. Hey, kindred spirit. Well, no, I think it's kind of the desire to be, I think I really think of myself and I think of you as we're cartoon characters.

We were born human, but we always aspire to be a cartoon character. And so we like to stretch things out and we like to, I don't know. I wonder, you know, I think that the touchstone for everyone, usually comedians, was a peer group in high school where we'd all start to get silly.

In junior college, they were always smoking pot before I even tried it. And they were the best artists in the world. And so then you did it more and more and more and it got sillier and sillier and more abstract. So it seems like it's just sort of mayhem, it's disorganized. The people, subconsciously,

they know that you're having fun with it. You know, when Robert would break too when he did clutch cargo. Oh, always, Robert. Yeah. So it's very infectious, you know. I remember when Robert would also take a piece of black tape to be Arnold.

Arnold has a little gap in his front teeth. So Robert would just take a little piece of electrical tape. Because all you could see was Robert's lips and he'd put it over the center of his teeth. And what would happen is, he'd be doing his over the top schwarzenegger. And the tape would start to come off.

Right. And then he'd put his finger in to try and push it back. But the finger's coming up to where the lips are on the clutch cargo. And then I remember once, I don't know why, this is not even a good joke or anything. But he's playing schwarzenegger. And he, and as governor,

and he was said something like, and he said a terrible idea. And I just ad-libbed. I said, oh my God, that's garbage. And Robert, with the electrical tape sticking out now, completely out of his mouth, coming out at the camera. It's no longer a gap.

I just said, oh, that's garbage. And he said, you're garbage. And I don't know why I think about that. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night. And I just spent a whole day with Robert the other day. And for some reason, every now and then, I'll wake up in the middle of the night. And I'll just be staring at the field.

And I'll just hear, you're garbage. Well, to the point of Arnold, so when Kevin Nielsen and I, this is inside baseball for her, when we started doing Hans and Franz, we both were sort of basic Arnold. Yeah, we are here to pump you up. And I'm doing that too. We're here to pump you up and the girly man

and all these things in your buttocks are like marshmallows. You're lucky we don't have a campfire here. Which is one of the great lines. I could flick you with my little finger and you would fly across the room and land in your own baby pool. So what happened was, inside my normal thing is to get bored and extend it.

But they would paint black enamel between your teeth. So you didn't want to smear it. So I'd walk around with this little grin on my face and I looked in the mirror. And then the coy guy came up. The smirk. And then a few episodes later, Hans was a little more langurious.

Oh, you are flabby loser. We should stretch the flap of your back into the shape of a rope ladder. So you could crawl back down in the sewer because that's why losers leave. Then we became yin and yang. You got this weird, it's like Bavarian smirk to your voice. We're so superior and so muscular.

So that was a nice juxtaposition. And this is another little secret backstory which is that at the time there was interest in a Hans and Franz movie. Well, we're going to talk about that one. So what happens is Robert, you guys enlisted Robert. Robert said, I think Conan should help me. And so the next thing I know.

You were always great with Hans and Franz. Yeah, and the next thing I know, I'm in a room with Robert. And this is a long time ago. But I'm in a room with Robert, some studio lot, and you and Kevin. And it's the four of us. And it became, because we're idiots, it became a musical. And so it was the Hans and Franz musical.

And of course. We had songs. And the whole idea was that it was going to be a starring special guest star and major focus of the movie, Arnold Schwarzenegger. This is Arnold Schwarzenegger at the height. Like height of like everything he does is a major massive global hit.

We were just, this is going to happen. And so we wrote this whole script. Hans and Franz, the girly man dilemma. The girly man dilemma. And it was just this insane. And it had songs and, you know, Arnold's a cartoon version of Arnold Schwarzenegger. And then you were Hans and Franz,

Revere Arnold and try and come and find him. And we had all these, I mean, I don't remember most of it. Well, we start out in Bavaria or something in a little town where everyone is very muscular. And everyone sings songs as they're working. Moth or moth or me or moth. And then we do a Wizard of Oz goodbye.

We're going to Hollywood to see Arnold. Oh, it's not too late. Let's do it. It's clearly understood. Well, very pumped up, but not as much as here. Right. And this, this was Arnold pre. I mean, he's absolute mega star. And he's, it's the Hummer. It's the giant cigar.

It's that whole Arnold and you guys go to find him. And then you get to see where Arnold lives, which is this instance. It was almost like Pee Wee's Playhouse. But instead of Paul Rubens, it was Arnold Schwarzenegger. And then it's these, and so we, and it has songs and dances and crazy.

Do you remember the doors to the front of his house? But what were they? They were just two gigantic buttocks. All right. You opened two buttocks. Two really tight, well-muscled buttocks to get into his house. How far did this get? Well, we got the script written. So we got the script written and then we heard,

oh, it's a really funny script. And then the next thing I knew, there was a meeting with all of us. And Arnold. And Arnold. And it was at an outdoor restaurant in Venice. Yeah. And I remember he came and he hadn't quite committed yet,

but he was, I mean, I just couldn't believe I was seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah. Because I'm, you know, a lowly writer. And here is this table. And I think they went around and said, this is, he was like, Dana, you know, and Kevin, good to see you.

Yeah. And then he knew you guys. And then it was like, and this is Robert, and this is, you know, Conan Ba. You know, he's not the Conan. I am Conan. Okay. But.

And he's like, you know, this is, you guys are really going down, down with this. This is the very funny, you know, this is like some crazy stuff. Yes. He was very much kind of, this is kooky. Who wrote this part, Conan? Because this really made me laugh.

I don't remember. Arnold has a war room in his basement. Remember, he's a huge movie star. So he's got a big board with all the studios, like Monopoly. There's Warner Brothers. There's Paramount. He has those things.

Sony. He's pushing care. Yeah. Bruce Willis is going to Paramount to shoot an action picture. We'll counter with the sort of kindergarten cop over at Warner's. He was just pushing his movie star war room. I did love that. But you know what?

He ended up choosing, I think he chose last action hero. Or maybe that spooked him. I'm not sure. No, no, no. What happened was I think he had a, yeah, maybe that's it. Or self-reverential. Or else, yes.

Or else last action hero came out just as we had pitched this and we were trying to be funny. And that was a movie where Arnold's being tongue in cheek being an action star. Then it didn't work out well. And so that blew up. Well, we had a scene where you see Kevin and I as Hans Franz water skiing.

We liked this. And then you cut and it's Arnold is swimming. He's pulling them. So then four years ago, they want to do a Hans and Franz commercial for the Super Bowl. So I just harvested some of that. Sure. And told them about it.

So in it, we wanted to have, it was Aaron Rodgers swimming, but he was kayaking and we were water skiing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. So we used some of that. Sure. As long as Robert and I get paid, we're good. I had a little, I had a feeling.

Whoops. I had a feeling. I was a little worried that it was so Arnold heavy that if he didn't do it, then it would, the boat would sink, you know, because it was. I remember that Hans and Franz went to Chinese Gromens Theater and we're just laughing their asses off at the little look of Gary Cooper's little feet.

Look at the little hands of John Wayne. I mean, it was funnier in hell. It was really fun. Look at it. Look at what we had. Conan, come on. Oh, man. Michael, I mean, we had the A team of A writers.

It was really fun. Yeah. I want to make sure I mention, and I know we're going to talk about this. Fly on the Wall. Available for a podcast. Fly on the Wall is with you and. David, David Spade.

Yeah. And I shouldn't just say we're really good friends. I would go 10 years of not talking to David, but when I moved back to LA, we all started going to Koi. David's a man about town. I'm not, but I can walk there. And I, and he brought, he says, you want to go there? I go, you have fun tonight.

No, anytime. It has to be there. I get a meal with you two. It's always at the same table. Yeah. At the same sushi restaurant. Yes. And I've decided that it's the only place where David Spade

will eat. I mean, I don't know if he got a coupon like eight years ago and he's still working it off, but. I don't like hipster places where you go and the music is too loud. So anyway, what, what are you, how's the podcast gone? So this place is really dark, really quiet. And when we go really empty. And that's what I like.

Because Conan and I, we would go there all the time. Yeah. Have these boozy four hour dinners. And he would hook up the Uber, you know, in the back and we would just be so cool. But you know, what's fun is you would do my show as a guest and when the show is over, you'd get in the car with me and I'd drive because it would be in the Warner Brothers lot. Yeah.

We'd finish the, the Conan show or whatever we'd get in my car. I'd drive you there. Spade would show up. And then once I think we were there and Lovitz showed up. Yes. And while we were there, I think he was having a luxury car delivered and like a big truck pulled up. Bentley or something.

Yeah. And they started, they started backing. He's like, that's, you know, and we were like, what the, what the fuck? And he was, is that a Bentley you're getting? And of course Lovitz was like jealous. And we, who gets a Bentley delivered while they're eating sushi? A Bentley convertible. Yeah.

They literally backed it down this, this flat bed while we were there eating sushi. Well, I've got to go. My Bentley's here. Well, that was the one time he went jealous. And I said, yeah. And then he totally deconstructed it. Why are you jealous? It's just a car.

The whole character left it. He got all sad. Jealous? Jealous? Yes. Why? What do you mean? Is there anything you needed to get to in your massive?

The one thing I wanted to, last thing I wanted to mention is we're going to do another segment on this and look out for that. But you have done something for Team Coco, our evil company that I absolutely love that you developed with your sons. The weird place. Yep. I absolutely love this podcast. It's a great idea.

It comes from a love of Twilight Zone. And one of their childhood friends is also a part of our team. And he was introduced to the Twilight Zone at our house in the neighborhood up in Marin County because I had all the VHS, you know. So love of Twilight Zone. We realize you can't bring it back without Rod. So that's why we realize it's great for a scripted podcast. Rod Serling.

Rod Serling. Well, I do Rod Serling and he's hosting a show. We don't call him Serling legally, but he's Rod and he hosts the show and it's an anthology Twilight Zone series with more of a comedic bent. But it's perfect for you because you get to do, you have such a great crazy animated mind and you can do all the voices and you can create these worlds. And all you need is this narrator telling you imagine a world and then you describe what's happening.

And it's basically, it's, to me, it's like what a great improv director says is imagine there's an island where there are robots, but they're made of caramel and it's very hot out to go. And then you can take it off. It's great. You need to have a narrator. I think scripted podcasting is still in its infancy in terms of, you could say it's old-timey radio from 1947, but people were out in the plains of Kansas.

You know, there's nothing for 100 miles. This shadow knows and they're all just hanging around. Sure. So nowadays, if people get confused in a podcast, they're not sure where they are, but they just drop out. So you have to be relentless. We learned this. It took us a while to kind of go, how do we make this what I like to call crunchy?

So every single moment is essential. But for me, just creating characters and doing voices and doing these weird rhythms is, that's just total joy. I mean, I'm just loving it. And also being able to do pathos, which I wouldn't have the guts to do as a standup, but there are scenes in there that just touch that edge. And also it's not cynical. It's not sexual.

It's not violent. It's retro. And because somebody has a deal with HBO Max that owns the Warner Brothers Library, we get to use all this great old music that's very Twilight Zone-y and very symphonic and beautifully lush like Bernard Herrmann and stuff. And the young people are liking it as much as the older people. I'm just drinking like with an A.O.K. sign, as if I'm. I did a movie once.

It was horrible. Sometimes movies are so bad, I watch them and go, God, this is so bad, I could be in it. It wasn't my fault. But this guy would look at the monitor and he would like conduct the monitor, like as if he was an orchestra guy and cut. And it was just crap. It's like, anyway, long story.

Anyway, we're going to take a quick break. You are a, oh, it's not a break. This is over. You are a terrific friend. And I second what Matt Gorley said, which is when I showed up at SNL, you were one of the first people to come in and say hi to me. You could not have, you were just a massive star. You could not have been nicer.

You've always been that guy. And I love you. I love you too. And I'm just really happy that you're here. I'm happy that you're here and you're just killing it. You're still being so funny all the time. I love that I have a podcast studio I can go visit so close by. Just call ahead.

Just call ahead. Yeah. I don't love you that much. You find that, you know, Sandler has always been very sentimental like that, even when you're young. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I'm not ready for that yet. I'm a Lutheran. I'm my third. But now it's like, yeah, I love you. I love you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all getting sentimental.

Yeah. You just, it's just, it's an organic thing. But it's a nice thing to say. You know, they go to the stars, go full circle positive, full circle and out. Thank you, Dana. Thank you. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov and Jeff Ross

at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf, theme song by the White Stripes, incidental music by Jimmy Vivino, take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples, engineering by Will Bekdon, additional production support by Mars Melnick, talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan?

Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.