Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Daniel Sloss

Episode Date: October 25, 2021

Comedian, actor, and writer Daniel Sloss feels privileged about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Conan sits down with Daniel to chat about the importance of swearing, why being alone isn’t as bad as we’re taught to think, and his new book Everyone You Hate Is Going to Die. Later, Conan lays down the law with his team over their terrible misbehavior. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is Daniel Sloss, and I feel privileged about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Oh my God, I love that. I love that you, A, feel privileged, but more the way you say Conan is fantastic. It was fantastic. It had a little Sean Connery in there. I mean, literally, a tiny Sean Connery came out of your mouth and waved at me. Yeah, he was the one that made sure I just got the lisp correctly. When you cough, let's say you have a chest cold, do thousands of small Sean Connery's come spilling out of your mouth? Yeah, that's what we thought COVID was originally in Scotland. We just thought…

Hello there, and welcome to a humble little podcast known as Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Very happy to be joined by Sonam of Sessian, my trusty assistant. Hi, Conan. Nice to have you back, and twins still doing well. Yep, they're still there. I wish you had a higher bar for your children than they're still there. Are they thriving? They're thriving. They are thriving. They're really great kids. They are so beautiful, too. They're such good-looking boys.

They are very cute. They're going to be heartbreakers. Well, I don't want them to break hearts. Well, they're going to. They're going to break people's hearts. Shatter. They're going to shatter lives. They're going to ruin so many people's lives with their good looks and their animal magnetism. So anyway, that's your legacy, misery. You know, it is very complicated here at Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend because you just came back.

I did. You just came back. You've been out for quite a while now, over three months. And Matt Goorley, our trusty executive producer, what is his title again? Engineer? He's a producer. He's a producer, but what do you say? Executive producer? What do you say? He's not an executive producer. He isn't. Goddamn it. No.

And he never will be as long as I'm, you know. How do you not know what he does? I'm sorry. And I've said this before. Oh, come on. But a pharaoh. Do the pharaoh thing. A pharaoh doesn't know where each stone goes in the pyramid or who placed the stone there. A pharaoh just occasionally checks out the pyramid and is either pleased or displeased.

So anyway, Matt Goorley, producer, wonderful producer is out because he and his lovely wife. Yes, Amanda. Amanda had a baby. A baby girl. A baby girl. We will not reveal the name. I'm pretty sure it's Gertrudden. Gertrudden, Goorley. It's not, but I really wish it was Gertrudden, Goorley.

Did you send her a tweed onesie? No, I sent over an I like Ike tweed diaper, the most uncomfortable diaper ever made. Yeah. It says, I like Ike across the butt. A vintage diaper. It's a vintage diaper. It's got an asbestos lining. It was made in 1951 and I got it in an antique shop and I got her a little loot with lots of sharp spiky parts. So we're really happy for Matt Goorley, but this also means that, man, we're like a championship

team that keeps having star players drop out, you know, except instead of a groin pole, it's creating life. Yeah. And so I do not fear because we have someone filling in for Matt Goorley, who I'm told is the best in the business. Oh, okay. And I'm just saying that to piss off Matt Goorley and his name. His name is Brett Morris.

Here I am. Brett, how are you? I'm great. Thanks for having me. Would you call yourself the best in the business? No, I would never call myself that. That feels insane to call myself. Because that would feel wrong, but deep down I can see your thought balloon. You think I'm right on. You think you can eat Matt Goorley's lunch. You're so much better at producing than him, don't you?

Yeah, fuck Matt Goorley. Yeah, fucking Goorley. Right? I do kind of like this. Is it true that with it, when you screw up in the studio, you say, ah, pull the Goorley. Is that what people say in the business? Yeah, I like anytime I hear of Matt Goorley making any mistake of any kind because he just seems, he's such a graceful human being and he's handsome.

I'm so ungracious. I think that's what works is that when Matt makes a mistake or an error of some kind or slightly misspeaks, my reaction to it is so savage and so wrong that the contrast I think is just fascinating to people. I think so too. Yeah. Do you think that there's a part of you that's like a little jealous of Matt because he can do so much stuff like edit podcasts and build tables and stuff and you're just angry. Yeah, you can even hand whittle a canoe.

Yes. He can do a lot of things. I can make ramen. If it's the kind that you drop in the boiling thing that has an envelope, a little pouches with chicken stock. Oh yeah, with the powder. Yes. I make that really well.

Guess what? Get it boiling, leave it for three minutes, turn off the heat, then add the packet and stir. Ooh. Then you can add some pepper. That's what I can do. I don't see Matt Gorley doing that. Do you?

No. I have a feeling he's making three course meals every night. He's also baking. He's got a kiln and he's making the bowl that the soup will go in. Once he's done using that bowl, he smashes it. Brett, tell me a little bit about yourself so I can find a weakness and then I can attack you. Oh no.

Okay. Well. What's your story, Brett? Yeah. I'm from the Bay Area, Silicon Valley area. I'm a musician, been in various bands currently in a band. What's your instrument? Guitar mainly.

Yeah. That's something we can bond over. What's the name of your band? Man-Man. Man-Man? What's the name of my band? Yeah. M-A-N, M-A-N.

M-A-N, M-A-N. Yes. So at this time when men are being called into account for centuries of misbehavior. We're doubling down. You doubled down on man. That was your decision. Yeah. I mean, you'll have to talk to the front man about that.

Oh. Well, that was the third man. Well, I never assume that the person leading the band is a man. When you said you're going to have to talk to the, I just thought, well, who is she? But of course in Man-Man, it's a man because that's how you guys roll. Brett, I think you're in really deep water. I really do. Yeah.

I think you should change the name of your band immediately to women are the future. And, or you could, and your first album should be sorry about that last name. Yes. Think seriously about what I'm telling you. It's probably a good idea. Yeah. Well, I want to check you guys out some time. Maybe I could rock with you, huh?

Have I got the chops to rock with you guys? Anytime. We recorded our album right here where I'm sitting. So, you know, come over, we'll jam. Do you take lead ever? Do you like to solo? I play a very choppy lead, a very crude lead, but it's got a lot of heart in it. Okay.

It's got a, what did you say, Sona? What did I say? When I grab a lead guitar solo, it's, I wouldn't say it's just a lot of finesse there. I disagree. I think you're hard on yourself than you should be. I think you're a great guitarist. But yeah, you're not slash. Oh my God.

No, I can't afford that hat. That's an incredible hat. You think the hat is the only thing that differentiates you between. You know, it's so fascinating. It's, I've seen him play without the hat. Yeah. He's terrible. He's awful.

When he puts the hat on, suddenly he's slash. Yeah. One of the worst sounds I ever heard was coming out of this rehearsal space once. Awful. It's just clunky, awful, crude, and I walked in and it was slash, Saul Hudson without his hat. Right. And it was like a kid that picked up a guitar and had peanut butter on his fingers.

Under the brim of his hat, he's got the tabs of all the songs. He's got the tablature. Yeah. Yeah. He's got all the chords. No, it's all about the hat with him. I love him so much. Okay.

Yeah. He's my first crush. That's true. That's right. And you got to meet him through who? How'd you meet him? Don't do that. How'd you meet slash?

I'm curious. What happened? Through you. Oh yeah. Okay. Whatever. Oh. All roads lead to gunning.

Don't do that song. I changed your life. I changed your life. You're an awful song. I'm the reason you met your husband and you've got your family. You owe me everything I said. Wow. Everything, everything, owe me everything I said.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. What an awful song that was. Brett, did you like that song I just sang? I'm rethinking the invitation to join with us. Run, Brett, run as fast as you can. Run away. I'm sorry. Well, do you play a lot of live gigs?

Well, not these days. Oh, right. I forgot about COVID. Yeah. I live in kind of a... Brett, Andrew, it's clear to you, but I live in kind of a bubble. I literally had a giant bubble built around my home. A lot of celebrities are doing this.

Yeah. So I've not been aware of COVID for two years. So the bubble had nothing to do with COVID. Oh, I built it long before COVID. Okay. I just didn't like humans and people. Hollywood elite bubble. Yeah.

And I heard that this is something that people did. I've hired thousands of people to recreate normal life for me inside the bubble. Well, I want to check you guys out sometime. I want to see you play. Oh my God. I'd be honored. Yeah. It's not going to happen.

Oh, okay. You know that, right? This is... I say things to sound like a amiable chap on the air, but it just... It can't happen. You understand that. I'm such a... I do get that.

Usually you don't take back the formality instantly right after the say. It's occurring to me now that I'm doing this while we're recording. I know. But you know, let's let it all hang out there. I will never see you play. So aren't I way too busy? My schedule's just jammed. If that's what you want me to say, then that's what I will say.

I've never had more free time in my life. I know. He has nothing going on. No, I definitely will, Brett. She is a bird. I definitely want to check you out, so it'll be fun. And I mean, I'm going to check you out. What?

What'd you say? You sit. Sona, that's okay. Okay. Sona, it's okay. Let it go. Anyway, welcome aboard, Brett. Thank you so much.

It's big shoes to fill. It's nice to have you here, and I think the rumors are true. I think you're much better than Gourley. Already? Wow. I hope that gets out there, because you heard it from Brett. He said he's better than Gourley. We're going to start producer beef.

So that's what I definitely want to do. It's going to be like East Side, West Side. All right, we have a terrific show today. My guest is a hilarious comedian who made his U.S. television debut performing stand-up comedy on my show in 2013. And he was brilliant. Always has been. His new book, Everyone You Hate is Going to Die.

Such a sweet message. Is available now, and he's currently touring his new show, Hubris. Tickets and dates can be found at danielsloss.com. Now, that probably gave it away. I am thrilled he's here with us today. Daniel Sloss, welcome. I am very, very happy to have you on the podcast.

I think we started having you on our show, I think in, I want to say 2013, somewhere around there. Yes, and I've never, because of the way the show is run, so very officially, and so, you know, you get there, everyone's phenomenal at their job, including yourself. Well, thank you for putting me in that category. Well, I've seen the show an hour's run. I know you're not doing the heavy lifting.

Of course not. Of course not. I am the man that walks around the structure and says, good job, everyone. Nicely done. The little, little more paint on that steeple. You know, I'm looking at the cathedral, and occasionally making suggestions.

And then I'm off to the bar. Yeah. Designation is, is, is your true skill. Yeah. But I mean, I've never truly got to thank you, because every single time I've done the show, you've had me on, I've done stand-up. You come, you say hello at the end,

and then I'm sort of whisked away to be congratulated by all the sort of people. But man, I would not have the career I have today if it were not up for you and for Conoco. And every time we've been on the show, I've never had the time to just sort of sit down and thank you for taking a chance on me when like nobody else in the States would.

Well, Daniel, that is the reason I had you on the podcast. I just, I wanted my proper thanks because you are a massive, very influential, comedian now with a brilliant career. And I gave you your start. That's all I wanted to hear. I think we're out of time. We're out of time, Daniel.

Well, I finally got closure after so many appearances. Like finally, I'm like, I said it. It's fine. I could die. I want to say in fairness, I often said to you after your appearances, that was brilliant. Is there anything you'd like to say to me? And you always said, gotta go.

Got things to do. And then I would see you hours later hanging around the studio with fucking nothing to do. I was just, I was basking in the ambiance of the relaxed atmosphere you would create. Yes, yes, yes. No, I mean, you know, you're still so young. And you started on my show almost 10 years ago.

I believe, I think you were, you must have been 11 years old when you started on my show. You were such a young Bonnie Lad, I'll say. I was 23 and I remember it so well because I couldn't believe I was coming over. Like J.P. Buck had come out to the other friends. And let me, let me do a preface

because no one listening knows who J.P. Buck is. J.P. Buck is a man who dresses like the professor on Gilligan's Island. She knows in a button-up shirt, claims to know a lot and claims to love comedy. We're not sure. I suspect he's a very good landscape architect. But anyway, no, he is,

J.P. Buck needs a shout out because he has, for years and years and years been finding people like Daniel Sloss. And this sounds like it's an easy thing to do, but it's not an easy thing to do. He found Daniel Sloss and said, I just found this basically a fetus in Scotland who's very funny and we should have him on.

And he would work with you on your sets. And I trust J.P. greatly because he has an unerring eye and ear for great stand-up comedians. So yes, just mutual shout out to J.P. Buck. I'm as grateful to J.P. as you are, Daniel. Yeah, he came to see my show. He asked if I wanted to come on.

He went through my set with me. I went to the comedy work in Denver a couple of weeks to run the set through to make sure that it made sense to the American audience because it was my first time properly doing it. And then, I remember being on the flight to LA and I don't know if you get this, but just this fear that everything's

going to be taken away from you. I feel so lucky to have gotten so far in my career. Like, I always feel like everything's a bonus and things might not happen. And I remember being on the flight and going, something's going to happen and I'm not going to get on the show. Like, somebody's going to overrun or there's going to be technical difficulties

and then I won't get on it. And then they'll just be like, okay, we made a mistake as well and we can't have you back on at any other point. And I'm so excited to be getting over it. And then we get to one of our studios. And Nelson Mandela dies. And I remember just being the most selfish person

in the entire world and sitting backstage at Kona going, well, I'm not going to be on the show then, am I? Because fucking Nelson Mandela dies. Like, this is unbelievable. On my big day? On my big day. We're going to talk about this for a minute.

Yeah. You know, that was the worldwide reaction to Nelson Mandela's death was will Daniel Slas get screwed? I know. No. I mean, first of all, I love how honest you're being because we are all,

I mean, especially comedians, but we are all that solipsistic. We are all that self-involved. We are all, it is... If I had a particularly good bit one night that I knew that we shot a remote and we've already screened it for an audience and it kills and this is going to be on tonight

and we worked so hard on it. They announced that night that a meteor is headed to Earth. We all have 11 hours to live. My first thought would have been, what about that piece? That piece was going to air tonight. That fucking was great.

Can we bring it forward? Yeah, can we show it quickly? Oh no, then everyone who sees it's going to die right afterwards. That's no good. How did they just do the global announcement for the meteor? Can we get my sketch on that channel? Can we make sure it's the last thing everyone sees?

Who's broadcasting about the meteor? How do we get a slot in there so I can show the piece where I go with Ice Cube to a chiropractor? Because I swear to God that's a good piece. I wish I had gone to a chiropractor with Ice Cube, but I didn't. I'm just going to narrate now.

You just removed your sweater and you did it in a way that guys... I really hoped you weren't noticing. I could feel sweat trickling down my back because it's quite hot in New York today and I want to... You just reached down and you whipped it off in this very smooth motion

that I would not have been able to pull off, you know, literally. It's the move of a man who was constantly surprised whenever a woman was willing to have sex with him so I just learned to like, quick, before they kicked her mic, get it off. Come on. You know, for the very same reason,

I had all my clothes were velcroed on. So in the 80s and 90s, if a woman showed any interest at all in sex, with one pull, my tuxedo would come completely off with a ripping sound. Yeah, and just you and the original man, Keeney, Borat stole it from you.

Exactly, exactly. You know, I was delighted to be able to talk to you because you have a book out, Everyone You Hate is Going to Die, and that... I wish I had had this book years ago and my children were little because I would have read it to them

just before they went to bed. And now for another chapter of Everyone You Hate is Going to Die, and then turn off the lights and go, night, night. I think it's a positive message, you know. It is. Well, you know, there's so much in here

because my favorite thing that I've ever done in comedy is whenever we've been able to travel and I get to do foolish time-wasting silliness in other countries, it's my absolute favorite thing to do. And I have not made my way to Scotland yet.

I have a caveat to that. I touched down in Scotland once briefly. My feet have touched Scottish soil. I know that. We have a plaque there now that says, one stood here. Yes, well, now first of all,

the fact that I put that plaque down and had it pre-made. You just have those. You got like 50 in your bag. I have a backpack. I have a giant backpack. And I carry tons of of these bronze plaques that say Conor O'Brien stood here.

And whenever I stand anywhere, and sometimes I there are hundreds of them at the local Whole Foods just because I go there once a weekend to buy melons. And so I just keep people said like, one's I think enough. And I'm like, no, no, there should be one for each time.

But I'm fascinated with Scotland. Life is mixed heritage. And she has a lot of Scottish blood. And I think she's the better for it. I am, as I've mentioned, 100% Irish, pure 103% Irish.

But I'm fascinated by the Scotch people and Scotland. You've done Ireland though, right? Yes, I've been to Ireland. And I want to know, explain Scotland to me. So if you're any indication

you people swear like crazy. You're very, you're artists at swearing. Yeah, like it's, well, it's just part of the language, mainly. I mean, you know, we still get the occasional pearl clutcher and Edinburgh and stuff who gets offended by swearing, but it's absolutely, like I learned

swear words from a young age. And the only reason they ever had power was because other people gave them power. Like we heard, I heard adults swearing, like they tried to hide it from you. They weren't, you know, effing and jeffing in the classroom and stuff.

But I remember once when I think it was about eight or nine, I'd got in trouble because I think I'd said, like, fuck in the playground or something. And then my mum had to come into school and they told her and I went home and my mum was like, you can't swear. And I said, why not?

And she was like, well, because my dad was like, you can't tell him not to do something if you can't justify it. Yes. Wait a minute. You had a reasonable father. I did. A very reasonable father. And he applied

logic to conversations with your mother. Yes. This is more fascinating than Scotland. Well, there's so much I need to learn from you. Yeah. And he was like, if you can't explain to him why he's not allowed to say these things then

tell him not to say them. That doesn't make sense. And I remember my mum just being like, all right, okay, well, don't do it in school and don't do it in front of your grand because it upsets those people and I don't want to be seen as a bad parent. And I was like, oh, great. Well, I can keep that end of the bargain. Well, you have a great joke in

your book about how ubiquitous and common swearing is in Scotland. And it's about when you go to buy a computer keyboard in Scotland. No, there's no space bar. It's just the word fucking.

That's because that's when I grew up, especially in Fife, that's our version of um. What's his fucking what's his face? He was on Conan last week.

No, not the woman. The fucking bloke. The one with the fucking hair. My favourite jokes are visual and have this visual truth to them. And so when I read that joke, I started laughing and then I was just picturing someone trying to write something very erudite on their computer

keyboard in Scotland. Do you know what I mean? Well, the male, of course, Moth must reproduce because and then they hit the fuck fucking and then, of course, everyone in Scotland reads it and they don't even notice. It just looks like a space to them. Yeah. Well, I mean, I've got the

reason the swearing works a lot better in Scotland is because our vowels are short. And that's the key for swearing. Swearing should never dominate a sentence. It should always just sort of be like, fuck shit, cunt. That's bastard, bitch. You see how that's very, when Americans swear

because you guys sing everything because you're happy, when you say, fuck. Bastard. Motherfucker. And you're like, ugh. That's not how it's meant to be done. That's exactly how I say it. You bastard.

Wow, you got me down. You know, you also talk about the reason pot never never quite made it in Scotland as a drug. So popular here and so popular in many parts of the world. But why did

pot never quite make it in Scotland? I have no idea. Like, originally I thought it was just a, I thought it was like a sun-based thing and I'm like, anything that requires sun to grow was just not good to grow in Scotland. Right. We got over that. Like, sunflowers, we've seen pictures of them, but we've never

seen a real one, you know. Right. We have plants that grow in burns and forests and rivers and whatnot. But it's just not, it's not bleak enough. Like, we like beer, but we prefer whiskey. We like, you know, gin. We need stuff that makes

us sad and dour and heroin is better for them. It's just a, it's a more popular drug because... Do you start with whiskey and then the heroin or is it the heroin, is the whiskey that... Depends on the pub. Oh, I see. Depends on the pub. Okay. We'll get a whiskey

and heroin over here. It's it's got like a train, train spotting I think was for Americans. I know for me anyway, we've been shown this picture of Scotland, which of course, everyone is shown first the cliche, you know. And I

remember growing up just outside Boston practically in the city, but right there on this suburb next to Boston and, you know, we were always with these commercials for Irish Spring soap. And it was always people talking like this

and a little bit of... And the man would say, he'd rub the Irish Spring on his chest, the soap and he'd go, ah, manly, yes. And then a beautiful woman would lean in and go, ah, but I like it too. And it was, it was all very beautiful and very sort of

fricani and nice. Then I got to know these neighbors moved in next door and they were old guys who were from Ireland, two twin brothers, the Murphy's and their sister. And they moved in and these guys were in there. I want to say they're 60s and they were real

people from real Ireland. And I remembered it would snow and I'd go out to the garage and one of our chores was to dig out the snow so that the cars could get out. I'd be there digging the snow and one of the Murphy brothers would come up next to me and he'd be digging out his snow. And I'd say

oh, hello there, Mr. Murphy. And I was expecting him to go like, ah, well it's nice to see you, young lad. But instead I go, hey, hey, hey, hey, you got a hole in your throat. But you're not gonna know his gonna hear you because it's over 20. I couldn't understand a thing he was saying. And that's how

Irish people really talk. They talk like pirates whose teeth have been broken in an automobile accident. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Me's a matter of hoody. That's how they really are. There's none of this bullshit. And that's what I felt like,

train spotting was the wake up call for the rest of the world that you don't understand Scotland. It's not what you think. Yeah, and it's, man, one of the things I do really enjoy about coming to America is just hearing every American's impression of Scottish people. Because, you know, everyone's got one

and none of them are good. No, no. Like, and so everything just starts off with like a, they make sure they just get all the right amount of phlegm in their throat. And then they're like, and I think you say, oh, hi, the new. And then Heland Coo, whiskey.

And you're like, all right, yeah, sure. That's what I said. Well, listen, I'm gonna break some news to you, Daniel. We are not a country known for our sensitivity towards other cultures. I know, but I thought you'd like us because like the number one thing I hear is people go, especially in America, like, hey,

my ancestors are Scottish. I'm like, I know they are. You're white. That's where this country works. Like, if you are white and American, your ancestors are absolutely from where I'm from. That's where this country is made. Or they're about.

Yeah, it's England, Ireland, Scotland. That's why I'm always confused. I'm not a, you know, on St. Patrick's Day, I hide because people, I'm known in this country. I stand out a little bit and people, I'm so Irish that people want me to be wearing a big button that says, kiss me, I'm Irish, Aaron Goebra, Ireland, yay, Ireland.

And I don't feel it. I just feel like there's like 40% of the country is of Irish descent. Where it doesn't feel like anything exotic. Do you know what I mean? It just feels like there's a bunch of us. Yeah, well, Ireland's also not exotic. Like, I don't know when the last time you were there,

but there's no point where you're like, oh, like, well, they've done to the place. They've changed it in the past 200 years. Like, it's still, it's been sad for a while. And I love Ireland, but they know what they are. Yeah, I mean, I've been over to Ireland countless times. And I've noticed that, and maybe this is, there's a kinship with Scotland here.

And you can, I'll ask you, you can tell me, but there's something going on in the overall UK, which I know is, I'm painting with a broad brush here, but there's maybe a cynicism, maybe even a healthy cynicism about things and kind of a, people aren't walking around saying, have a wonderful day. And, you know, it's not that it's,

and I wonder sometimes, is it because it's raining most of the time and we had to heat our fires with peat? Peat moss, you know? I mean, how much of it is just the climate? Is it because of the climate? I think it's the, yeah, the climate's got a lot to do with it. Like, I mean, it rains a lot in Scotland. I always get like Americans and Australians who are like,

man, I think Scotland's beautiful, but I could never live there for the weather. And I'm like, man, you know, we say the same thing about you, right? Like, I couldn't live in California. If I was constantly in that sun, I would just, I would evaporate and die. Like, I'm miserable when I'm hot.

I have to say, I think I agree with you. And I'm, Sona, I've talked about this many times. I don't belong here. I live, my career took me to Southern California. And I've been here now two different periods in my life. Once, three different periods in my life. I've lived in Los Angeles, whether it was working for the Simpsons

or early in my comedy career, or then coming back here to do the Conan show for TBS. And I'm constantly, every cell in my body is saying, you don't belong here. And when it does rain here and get dark, last week, it got dark and it rained. And I was the happiest I've been. I was joyous.

And everyone else doesn't understand. And I just was saying, no, every cell in my body is saying, yes, you ass. This is where you're supposed to be. I'm not supposed to be near the Mexican border. I'm just not. Yeah, and that weather you're talking about, the Scottish word for it's drink it.

And it's, it's drink it whether it's miserable. It's like raining, but it's not thunderstorms, but there's just a constant presence of water in the air. And it's dark by, you know, four or 5 p.m. in the afternoon. And that's it. Like when you find your joy else, we don't get our joy from the weather.

We get our joy from, you know, hating the English and. Yeah, let's talk about that. You talk about that in your book. And I wanted to bring this up. You, I actually, I have your book right here because you see, I'm a guy that reads books. Okay, this is a chapter, chapter five. Countries are people too, just bigger and even worse.

And I'll just, there is, of course, the first sentences, I fucking hate England. And then you go on and on and on. And then you go, but I fucking hate England, man, all caps. You're not kidding about this space bar. I'm Scottish, no matter how much I love parts of England, I fucking hate England. Nothing makes me happier than watching

those tartan-dodging gammon shaggers get knocked out of another World Cup and crying because they expected too much. Again, inject those tears into my veins and I'll live to be 150 years old. I may have written that chapter while drinking whiskey. I may have got a little bit of like national pride in me, painted my face blue.

So it's funny because as a comedian, you love the audiences in England. Yeah, and man, I'm also, most of my friends are English and I love parts of the countries. I love so many things about England, but I hate England as a whole and what it is. Like, you've got to remember, Scotland is part of the UK still

and we sort of just end up with whatever government the English vote for. And Scotland has never, in its history, voted for a conservative government, but we've had one for 40 out of the last 50 years. And it's not our fault and that's why we hate the English and historically, you know, they're bastards. And originally it was like very amicable.

We're not very amicable, but I feel like a lot of the hatred of the English was like mostly banter, like it was traditional. We hated them in sporting competitions. We were happy when they lost, but you always get on with any English person that you were near and drinking with and you'd go down there and enjoy their booze.

And then before the Scottish independence vote about six or seven years ago, like in Scotland, we were told that if Scotland left the UK, it would automatically be kicked out of the EU because the UK was part of the EU. And that swung the vote for a lot of Scottish people because we like the EU because we're a small country that doesn't matter and it was made for us.

Right, you benefit a great deal and you can travel freely throughout the rest of Europe. Yeah, whereas, so Scotland voted no for independence becoming the first country in the history of the world to vote no on it. And it was about 4%, which, you know, isn't a lot. And then when Brexit happened, two thirds of Scotland voted no to Brexit

because we didn't want it at all because we like you. But again, it doesn't matter what Scotland wants, wherever England wants, England gets and it dragged us out. So we were told that we had to stay in the union to stay in the EU and then they dragged us out. And now we're like, oh, well, now we actually hate you. Before it was just a bit of banner, but you've really screwed us on this one.

They screwed you over. They screwed you over badly. How do the Scottish people feel about the Irish? We've got, there's an affinity there. The Scots and the Irish and the Welsh all have this sort of, you know, we like to make fun of the bigger, stronger, older brother and there's a lot of Celtic heritage between Scotland and Ireland.

And, you know, we both like booze. We both, you know, have very interesting relationships with religion historically. Yes, what a nice way to put it. Let's talk about that. You are not religious. No, I'm not. And I want to touch on something briefly.

You and I have, in addition to both stumbling into comedy and having absolutely no melanin in our skin. The other thing we have in common is, which I find fascinating is that your mother is quite a well-known microbiologist as is my father. Oh, really? Yes, my father, Dr. Thomas F. O'Brien has been working in microbiology

since like the Eisenhower administration. He's been and preaching about antibiotic resistance. My dad has been working hard on that and still is. And I won't give away his age, but I'm 85. And my father had me when he was 55. So, and he's still going. He's just a torso now, but he is. He's a torso with two fingers, but he's still clacking away.

And when I read that in your book, I thought, wait a minute, that's crazy. We both have, and it's a very specific field microbiology. So both of our parents and my mom is a very smart woman who was a lawyer in Boston for many, many, many years. So I kind of feel like you and I both have, and I know your dad's a super tech nerd. Yeah, yeah.

So my parents are very, very intelligent, but you also, man, you went to Harvard, right? Yeah, that doesn't mean anything. I mean, what happens is, you know, it doesn't mean you're a moral person, certainly, because I think the people who invented Agent Orange, I think they invented it at Harvard, and they got full course. I just thought that was your nickname at Harvard.

Here comes Agent Orange again. Yeah, and I was equally just, apparently, people were as happy to see me as they were the real Agent Orange. But no, no, I've met, I've said this many times, and I did go to Harvard, and I was proud of a lot of things that I did there, and proud of a lot of the people that I met there,

but I tell people all the time, it's not Hogwarts, it's not this magical place. I met all kinds of people. When I say all kinds of people, you go to any university or college and you're going to meet, and I don't care what you're talking, but you could talk about MIT, you're going to meet people that really disappoint you

and people that really inspire you, and... Yeah, but I feel like you had to be a certain level of intellectual to get into Harvard, whereas I am a very, very brilliant man. There we go, that's the second reason I had you on the podcast, and now we're out of time. So let's summarize, Daniel Sloss owes his career to me, and I'm a very brilliant man.

Yeah, very smart, brilliant man. And we're out. Now it's time to do some commercials. No, but... You've got smart parents, because my parents were very smart, and I always, that was just an inspiration for me to be smart, because I was like,

my parents both have degrees, they're both intelligent. When I was young, I could ask them a question about anything and they'd give me the answer. My dad ruined the Loch Ness monster for me when I was eight years old, because we drove past Loch Ness, and I was like, oh, maybe we'll see the monster, and he pretty much pulled over the car, and then just explained to me,

like because of the volume of water in Loch Ness, animal that size would have to eat this amount of fish, and there's just not that amount of fish in a closed lake, and it would be impossible for, like, just eight years old. And next, Daniel, Daniel, and then did you bring up Santa Claus? Again, full halt. To deliver six toys to every child in the world

in the span of 24 hours, it just would not be impossible. The statistical anomaly, man, your dad just ripping through, okay, how about Tooth Fairy, dad? You understand that to have cash on hand. Why does it need the teeth, Daniel? That's the question we should all be asking. What is this mystical creature that profits off of teeth? What is it doing with the teeth?

Why does it have human currency? Why does it know what we want, and why is it only the baby teeth, huh? They never want the adult teeth. That would be him, yeah, none of it makes sense. Yeah, and he doesn't point out the similarities to a serial killer. Collecting teeth is, I mean, really,

we should all be looking for the Tooth Fairy. The Tooth Fairy, I'm sure, needs to be hunted down and immediately arrested, and then detained like Hannibal Lecter, because if teeth collecting, strangers, the teeth of children, and you've got just giant mountains of it back home in your basement, it's a problem, it's a problem.

Where do they get the money from? They must be selling it, like they're making a profit off of the teeth. If they're willing to hand out one bucks, two bucks, 10 bucks, then, I don't know how much the Tooth Fairy gives over here. Well, here on the west side of Los Angeles, it's $700 for each tooth.

Okay. Yeah, and you get a Rolex watch. Great. In addition. Yeah, in Scotland, she just leaves the Tooth Fairy and she's like, Jesus, that's a horrendous bit of chewing machinery there, I can't do that. You better put that back in. You better put that back in. No, you're not religious,

and you're not afraid to talk about some quite bleak things and be quite honest about things. You know, you did a very well-known special, standard special called Jigsaw, and talking about toxic relationships and a toxic relationship that you had, and you have verification through people communicating with you,

that you've been the cause of 120,000 breakups, just from people listening to you on Jigsaw. Is that right? Yeah, I think it's higher than that now. We stopped counting about two years ago, but like I still get, every show I do, I'll have at least three or four people afterwards, being like, yeah, I left my partner because of you.

With a smile on their face, like they're very happy, it's never a negative thing. I know it's very hard to boil it down, but what was the essence of your message to people that caused them to break up? Because we have a lot of people listening to this podcast, and if we can cause more breakups, now, I mean. I agree more powerful.

Yes, you'll grow more powerful. It was essentially, there is this lie that I think society breeds into us, that being in a relationship is better than being alone, and I disagree with that. I think being in a good relationship is better than being alone, but being alone is infinitely better

than being in a bad relationship, and I think that's an important distinction. Like people are so desperate to be in a relationship because that's what we're meant to do, that they just go, I'll stay with this person who's shit and boring and mean and doesn't get on with any of my friends and doesn't really like me,

but I'm gonna stay there because I would much rather wake up with them than wake up alone, and I think that's an insane way to live your life. I agree with you completely, and I have to go home and talk to my wife. Oh, man, I think that would be one of the ones where I felt like real guilty.

Yeah, yeah. No, you know what's interesting? I'll be very honest and I think it's something you talk about very well in your comedy. One of your lines is you are not responsible for the happiness of other human beings, you believe that, and I think your caveat is that,

you don't wanna go around being needlessly cruel to people, but if your goal is to go out and try and make everyone happy, you're gonna create a lot of misery in your own way, and especially in these relationships where there is a need to be selfish, and I sound like Dr. Phil for a second, but I made a conscious decision.

I remembered very shortly before I met my wife, saying, look, I remembered very clearly, I remember where I was, I remember the thinking to myself, and seeing it almost out loud, I don't need to be with anybody, and I don't wanna rescue anybody. I don't wanna this myth of me coming in

and saving someone from a miserable life. I wanna meet someone who's equally happy to be with me as I am with them, and that was a huge change because I had, it's just the way I was raised, but I think I really did believe that it was my job to make other people happy, and I think that was also a big reason

why I got into comedy and why I was so drawn to it. I love making people happy, and I have a little bit of an addiction to it, and Sony, you've probably seen it sometimes where I can't not, like if there's, if I'm doing a big show somewhere, and there's a lot of people outside. Every single person.

I need to get every single. You'll talk to every single one. Yeah, and I don't do that begrudgingly, and I think that's actually a good use of it because they're there, they waited, and I wanna do that, but it can be very dangerous. I'm not in a relationship with those people.

I mean, I haven't been sometimes, and it's really, you know, really caused trouble in my marriage. Totally, totally a lie, please, don't come after me. But I do think that that is something that you bring up that I think is quite true when people act like, another quote you have is, never allow someone else to become your other half,

because people talk about that all the time in relationships, like, this is my other half, I can't live without them, and I think you talk about this really well. I just think, I think it's, let's not deny, being in love is a brilliant thing. Finding someone who truly loves you for who you are is something that we all deserve,

and should strive to find. But to build your personality and your persona around someone else, I just find it so insane. Like, it's, you are your own person, like, to get into the relationship, you had to have been something, that person fell in love with your ideas, with who you are, with,

and of course, you grow and you change together, and it's important to be influenced by the person that you love, because you've got a responsibility to the person that loves you to not make them love a piece of shit. Like, you know, my fiancee really, really loves me, and like, I really try my hardest, like, the reason I'm a good person now,

isn't because I want to be a good person, but it's because I don't want to make her look like a fucking idiot. But she's not my other half, like, I would be very upset and broken without her for a period of time, and it would take me a long time to get over it, but, you know, she wasn't my world beforehand,

she's my world now, I hope she will be forever, I mean, that's why you make that promise to each other, but to get into a relationship where you cannot imagine surviving without them, I don't know, it's just, you live however many years of your life before you met this person, and if you were happy in those years,

and that person you were, they fell in love with, don't lose it, don't become this, you know, I don't know how common it is in America, but do people have, like, joined Facebook accounts over here? You know, it's so funny, I have Kona Co. Yep. Has a Facebook presence, I myself am not on Facebook,

and I have never been on Facebook, I've never spent any time on a Facebook page, and I know nothing about it, because it scares the kids. You're not missing anything. Yeah. Yeah, it's, Facebook died really about six years ago, Twitter died about two years ago,

I've managed to come off of both, and I definitely know less about the world, but my God, am I less sad? Like, I think, human beings were not designed for a constant stream of information. Oh, no. This is the other thing. If you've learned anything in the past couple of years,

it's that knowing everything that's going on all the time is absolutely detrimental to everyone's mental health. Yes, yes, we are not, you know, they'll tell you, you turn on the news, and you'll be reading about someone who did something, you know, put an animal into a microwave in like some other part of the world, and how they're under arrest now,

and I'll think, why did I need to know this? Yeah. This, I find myself sad, and the image of it horrifies me, and I think about it a few times a day, and I'm being bombarded constantly with, by the way, did you know in this part of the world you've never heard of,

one person tore the jaw off another person and beat them to death in the street, and again, we're meant to live in, you know, we're meant to live in small villages, occasionally hear some bad news, occasionally hear some good news, live and die. That's why colonialism, you know, worked because there was no international news,

like all the Brits would be sat there, and then the army would come back, and they were like, hey, we found this new bit of land called India, and we were like, oh, was there anyone there? And they were like, no, it was completely empty, but look, look at all the tea we found, and we're like, oh, what is this tea?

And because there was no news, they let us know the atrocities we were committing, we were like, ah, this is great, we're just a really good country that found tea somewhere. So what we're deciding right now is that ignorance truly is bliss. 100%, it's the best, I mean, it's not good for human progress,

it's just a society, but... You know, I was with you, I believe that we are getting bombarded with too much negative information, but when you compared it to, best not to know that India is inhabited, I couldn't go with you. That's fair enough.

That's also where I would have jumped out on the bit. Yeah, exactly, that's where you have to go. You know, I'm curious what you, well, first of all, you mentioned you have a fiance now, which intrigues me, because you've been so famously, you know, single, and is this not true that you had a goal, your goal once was to have sex with more than 100 people?

Was that your goal at one point in your life? Yeah, yeah, it was, and I mean, when you say it now, it sounds sad, and it was, but like, that's mad. When I was young, like, I had no idea. I had the same vow, but it was a very different number. Oh, 1,000, you dog! It was four, it was four people,

and I was giving myself 65 years for four people, and I'm still crackin' away at it. Well, that'll teach you to fall a good level. You with your 100 people. Well, like, I got into comedy at such a young age, and I was just trying to be a comedian. Like, I wasn't myself, I wasn't out of my own voice, I was just, you know, doing an impression of a comedian

for the longest possible, and just all the comedians that I met, like every single one of them just had all these stories from going on the road and sleeping around, and I was like, oh, that's what you do, and like, that's how you become, because I was never good with, like, I was largely ignored by girls in high school

and primary school and stuff, and never had the confidence with it, so I was like, oh, that's what you do, you just do this, and that'll put my confidence, and then that'll make me an adult, and it'll make me happy, and I mean, it did make me happy a bunch of times, and I'm not gonna say I regret the whole conquest.

I think it was a gross goal to have, and retrospectively, I can like, I mean, I shudder at the fact that I did genuinely think, like, oh, this is cool, and this is what I wanna do, but. But now you are engaged to be married, and this brings up all kinds of questions for me. First of all, Scottish wedding. Now, I was invited to a wedding, a good friend of mine

who I've known forever, Henry, who's regular listener, hey there, Henry. Henry got married a number of years ago, I don't know, about 20 years ago, I wanna guess, or maybe less, but anyway, not the point, he had kind of a Scottish wedding, and because I was in the wedding party,

I was told I needed to get a kilt and the whole outfit, and I wasn't looking forward to it, and so, and because my wife is of Scotch, Welsh descent. Yeah, does she have a ruined tartan? Yes, they have a family tartan, so I went and I got a kilt made in my wife's family tartan, and.

Do you know which one it is? I don't, they all look, I gotta be honest with you, they all look the same to me, they all look like a sweater, but it's, they all look like that kilt check thing, whatever, the line's going one way and the other, and it's. Plad.

Plad, oh my God, I didn't know the word plaid. The light's going one way and the other. This is like the other, on the podcast a couple of months ago, I needed to describe a package, I was trying to describe a FedEx guy bringing a package, and I couldn't come up with the word package, and so I had the guy go, here's your,

and I pause and I went, unit. Cause I couldn't come up with the word package, and I just said that plaid is, what is it? I said it's lines, lines going one way and the other, I'm sorry. I can't breathe. I'm sorry, Sona. I'm having a complete collapse of my cerebellum,

but anyway, I wasn't looking forward to it, and then the kilt showed up, and it was the whole thing, the kilt and the sauce, and the dagger that you wear around like your calf muscle. I had a, what's that called? It's, oh God, I'm being gonna be a terrible Scotsman here. Ski and do. Yeah, okay.

A ski and do. A ski and do, and the thing that goes around sort of your crotch that you can see. This is sparring eye, the sparring. Yeah, it's basically a fanny pack that was invented 800 years ago. Yeah, they used to put porridge in it because it kept your balls warm, I was thinking.

Yeah. Anyway, I put this thing on, and I'm telling everyone who's listening, it was the most comfortable thing I've ever worn, and I looked fucking great. I looked like a badass. I loved it. I wish I could wear that every day,

and I loved having a knife, a dagger on my calf. I just loved it, and I was ready. I wanted someone to attack me at any moment so I could whip it out and get into it. You're ready to defend the bridal party, should it be required? So I loved it, I absolutely loved it. You can wear, I mean, Celts are also,

I mean, they're Irish as well. Like, you know, you're allowed to wear those to fancy occasions. I have to ask, did you go true Scotsman? I did not. Oh, well, that's, I mean, that's allowed, because you're not a true Scotsman. Well, I didn't know.

I also, I didn't even think about it. I just wore underwear because, you know, there was a period of my time when I didn't enrol the subway and I was arrested. I did some things I shouldn't have done. It was a confusing part of my life. And afterwards, Perth signed down that says Conan once stood here and shit.

I would bend over to put a plaque down on the subway that said Conan stood here, and my stuff would fall out, and I was tackled. This is all true. Oh, okay, come on. It's all true, all true stories. Sounds like a very short kilt that you had on. I had a mini kilt.

Yeah, he had even a place of it as well. I was basically dressed like Serena Van Der Woodson on Gossip Girl. Wow, you remembered her name, but you couldn't remember Vlad. I couldn't remember Vlad, but I just came up with Serena Van Der Woodson. That's crazy, and I can't think of,

I can't come up with, I can't come up with the word package, but I know Chuck Bass, also a Gossip Girl reference. This is insanity. Wow, okay. Listen, my brain knows how to prioritize, but I'm very excited for you because reading the book and knowing your journey,

I think you're gonna be a very happy married fellow, and where's the wedding gonna be? It's gonna be in Scotland. Do you live in Edinburgh? No, I know that's where the Comedy Festival is. Yeah, yeah, I live in Edinburgh. You know what, I've never, I was thinking about going to that Comedy Festival

just when COVID broke out. Yeah, I mean, it'll be back, like it was on a little bit this year, but next year it'll be back in full swing, and then it'll come out. I would love to go there. You gotta do it, but it's- I would love to go there, and just,

and I've heard it's one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Yeah, it's an insane thing to be part of, like the population of Edinburgh doubles for the month of August, like there are literally, I think six or 700 shows on a day, and like two or 300 of them are comedy.

It's from anywhere from seven in the morning until five in the morning the next day. The drinking loss change, you can drink publicly, everything turns into a venue, like it's, you know, like tiny little cafes turn into 70s, it's like I've once seen a gig

in just a janitor's closet, and the venue capacity was two people, including the performer, and that was a show. I mean, don't worry about it, there's a lot of shit on, but like that's the fun. Yeah, it's like,

it's like anything else, it's like streaming, television, or the internet, there's tons of crap, and then it's just absolutely amazing stuff. It's volume, whenever you get volume, you're just gonna be tons of crap.

Yeah, lots of little, little flecks of shit, but it's such a good experience. I mean, I'm a huge fan of all the Conan Without Borders stuff, but I've always just been trying to push, you know, the idea that you should definitely go and do it. Oh, you know what I would do? I would, and it would be fun,

I would love to go do a travel show to Scotland, and I would love it if I got you involved, because I think we could have a lot of, that would be a really fun show to do. You could show me around. We stay at the same Airbnb, share a bed, like a real in the Highlands. I was gonna start with share a bed,

and then, yeah, yeah. But I'll be wearing nine pairs of underwear. Yeah, I'd put one of the plaques on my back, this is Conan wants to do it. Daniel, it has been an absolute joy talking to you. You are, I mean, it's in your blood. You're just such a funny, great, smart, intricate person to talk to.

So today I was just overjoyed to get to speak to you, and I'm so happy for all of your success. I really am. Thank you very much, man, and it's always a beyond a joy to get to do this. It blows my mind that I get to, so thank you. Well, no, of course, and everyone you hate is going to die

is really a very funny book, but it's also got a lot of truth in it and a lot of intelligence, and it's all ladled in your terrific wit. And so I recommend this book. I recommend Daniel Sloss, if you have not watched his specials, Jigsaw Dark, you've got, and you have a new one.

I'm on tour with Huberis at the moment. Huberis, yeah. Have you found that Americans, because you're so well known in so many parts of the world, are Americans receptive to you? Oh, yeah. I love, love getting in the States, and it was always such a huge deal for me

to whenever I got to perform over here at all. Like, I remember first time I performed at the Denver comedy works being like, oh my God, like I'm a real comedian now. Like I'm in America doing comedy and the capital of comedy, which is all of the States. Like we can make like the stereotypical jokes that like all Americans are stupid, blah, blah, blah.

But comedically, I think you're the, some of the most intelligent audiences in the world comedically because comedy, even if it wasn't started here, it was perfected here. Like it's, there's been such a long history of stand up over the years. When we think of all the greats, 80% of them are Americans,

and you're such a comedy savvy and literate audience that coming out here to get to perform is such an exciting thing. Because I mean, so few British comics have been given, you know, the chance to like get to perform out here to, to do it and to, there's so much energy in the rooms. Americans, because you're so confident.

Maybe a little overconfident at times. Yeah, but the confidence, you're the only audience in the world that can laugh as individuals. That's interesting. It doesn't happen anywhere else. Like in the UK, in Australia, in Europe, people laugh as a collective.

Because I don't wanna laugh at something fucked up if the person besides me not laughing because then everyone will know I'm laughing at the fucked up thing. That level of scrutiny and fear doesn't exist. I've been at gigs in America where there's a comedian on stage and there's 400 people in the crowd

and only three people are enjoying him. But those three people are enjoying the fuck out of him. And they're proud, they don't care what anyone else in the room thinks. They're like, I like this and I trust me so I'm gonna enjoy this whole heart. It's beautiful to see that, yeah. It is, I love seeing,

I mean, obviously we both know there are a lot of comedians. It's easy because everybody instinctively wants success. It's in our evolutionary makeup. We want to succeed, we want to do well. And then all the small compromises that you may need to make as a comedian in order to regularly get laughs.

And then the next thing you know, you're not who you want it to be. And so when people have that discipline to say, this is who I am, this is what I wanna do, it's a beautiful thing to see. And Daniel, you've done that countless times. You are just a really original voice. And again, lovely to talk to you again,

really looking forward to getting invited to the wedding. And flown out at your cost, not my 100%. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But really, congratulations on everything and everyone you hate is gonna die. Check out this book. It's really fun. Thanks very much, man. All right. I just need to comment on something. This was not planned, but both the people

with me today, Sonoma Sessian. Hi, Sona. Hi. Yeah, and Sona's assistant, David Hopping, are chomping like mad on what are, what are you eating? I'm eating a bar, a granola bar. A granola bar. Yeah.

Okay, what kind of, is it a healthy bar? Yeah. Where'd you get it? I don't know, I got it from in here at Ear Wolf. I always... Yeah, but those bars have not been restocked. This place has been shuttered. This place has been shuttered since COVID.

This is like we broke into an Arctic tent that was left behind by Shackleton in like 1911. And we found some food and you immediately started chomping on it. Yeah. Those bars are at least two to three years old. They might be. You're right.

I know they expire. Yeah. Is there an expiration date? No. Maybe we don't want to know. I don't know, but it's good. It's vegan. It says, vote for George W. Bush on the front.

I don't know when they started putting that on, but that's an old bar. And why are you, what are you eating? I just brought one from home. Well, let me see that. Is that even healthy? It's not. This is just a chocolate bar that they said is a health bar,

but it's not. Yeah, it's really good. This is how unprofessional both of you are. You both broke out of bars that are wrapped in paper and started chomping away like mules on an apple. And we were going to record. It is a loud snack. It's like when you're in a theater and you're like, you know.

There's a lot of this. Come on. No, this is what you were doing when we were trying to record. We both did scoot back a little bit from the mic. You could still, these are sensitive mics. You can hear that. We were hungry. And then you're like, whew.

You have no work ethic. That's unbelievable. Come on. You're just figuring that out now. And you hired me, Sona trained me. Oh, yeah, Sona trained you. Oh, I love that Sona trained you. That's fantastic.

I trained him. What do you mean? What does she tell you? Well, when you start podcasting, I always make sure you find the loudest bar. Kashi makes a bar that has extra crunch, crackle, crinkle, crunkle. I like eating.

And I eat a lot. And, you know, we've been here. We've been recording. And there's just nothing else to eat. So I ate this. I eat before the podcast. I try to make sure I'm responsible that way, so that I'm not, you know.

But I guess you guys have inspired me for our next session. I'm going to buy one of those really big candied Virginia hams that you get through the mail. And I'm going to have it hanging on a rope, right above, right where my microphone is. And I'm going to be gnawing on it. Just gnawing on it. And saying, oh, next gas today.

Oh, got a clove. Hold on a second. Oh, man. Got a clove out. There we go. Mm. Our next guest today, and then we get into it. You know, I'm not going to do that.

If you wanted to eat a ham, I would let you eat a ham. I wouldn't say anything about it. And I think that, you know, we're hungry, and you're making fun of us for eating. I think you just, you know. And if you get a whole ham, then you can share with us. You don't want to. No one wants to eat a ham.

They share a ham with me. Dangle it. Have you watched me eat with my family around? No, but I've seen you eat lunch, and it's like your family is hovering around you. Yes. And I do that thing that, and someone pointed it out to me once, they say that prisoners do this.

People that have been in penitentiaries, they make a barrier with their arms around their food. And I do that because of the way we would all sit around, Neil, Luke, Kate, Jane, Justin. My grandmother was there, and my father was there. My mom would just toss a ham into the center of the ring. You ever seen the scene where they lower the sheep in Jurassic Park into the pit?

And then they haul it up again, and the sheep's no longer there. There's just the leather straps and some blood. That's what happened. My mom would throw a ham into the center of the room. Yes. Mm. Yes. Mm.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm. Wow.

That sounds rough. What if you took it out of the wrapper before you entered the studio? What about that? Well, I still have to chew it. Yeah, but at least we get rid of the wrapper sound. OK, hold on. OK.

Now it looks like you have chewing tobacco. I know. You look like you play in Major League Baseball. It's so sticky, too. I hate being a loud person. I mean, one time. Well, excuse me, you hate being the loud person. Come on.

Wow, you hate being the loud person. I meant like with rappers. That's like Stalin saying, I don't want to be the bully. You know, it's insane. Yeah, it's exactly the same. It is exactly the same. Stalin saying that. Well, he was a world famous bully

and you know, a tyrannical dictator and you are the loudest person I've ever met. That's not true. Loud, very loud. That can't be true. Very true. No, I know that's not true because you have a friend, Eric, who's louder than I am.

And so you're wrong. That's point one, I win that one. No. Congratulations to me. My friend Eric is not as loud as you. Yes, he is. He can speak loudly at times but he is not nearly as loud as you.

Often, I'm talking to you when I think we're on the phone and I can just hear you from your home that's 40 miles from where I live. Wait, so we're not on the phone? We're not on the phone. I go, I hear Conan and I go, oh, hey, what's up, Sona? And where do you live? What's the neighborhood?

It's not even in LA. Out of Dina. It is in Los Angeles. Not really. Anyway, you are so far away. You have to change your currency before you hit her neighborhood. Anywho, bring your passport.

It's right north of Pasadena. It's very far. It's very, very far. Not far at all. I think it, yeah, I don't know. I just stopped crinkling for no reason. I know it. You're done with that.

It bothered me because it was all wrinkled up. Okay, now it's here. Oh, good. Yeah, now the package is unwrinkled. That's terrific. Anyhoots, there are many times where you and I are chatting and then I realize I'm not even on the phone. I can hear you all the way from out to Dina.

Well, I don't. That's exaggeration. Yeah, a little bit. Maybe a little bit. Exaggeration is a form of comedy. Anyway, so what I'm saying is I don't like being in a quiet environment. I don't like the one who's like crinkling and stuff.

Like if I'm at a play or a movie. Or maybe taping a podcast. Or taping up, I don't, yeah. Well, I don't mind it so much here. Why don't you come in with those little plastic wrapping bubbles that pop next time and just pop those while we're trying to talk. Yeah, okay.

I'll do it. No, is that real or sarcastic? Will it bother you? If it'll bother you, probably I'll do it. Was that sarcastic or real? Yeah, I'll do it. No, it was a sarcastic voice. Oh my God.

Incredible, your whole generation confounds me. Confounds me. All right, well. It's a great generation. Please, let's have a new rule. Let's at least institute a rule. Matt Gorley is gone. Of course, he's on maternity leave now.

Cause everybody wants to have a baby. I think we should institute a rule. No food in the podcast studio. This is a sacred space where we do sacred work. And I think we should respect that. And I think you should leave your chewy dips and your choco health sea salt bars. You should leave them out of here.

And if you need a break and you want to go and have a snack outside the studio, you're fired. Oh, that's simple. Didn't see that coming. Yeah, you never do. Yeah, but you fake fired us like every day, so I wouldn't believe it. Well, half the time it's been real,

you guys just don't pay attention. We still get paid, so. I know that's the part I haven't quite figured out. I'm constantly firing people and then I continue to pay them. All right, well anyway, new rule, do we all agree? Yes. Oh my God, unbelievable. Wherever you say, boss.

Incredible. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Beckton. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brick Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This episode was produced and edited by me, Brett Morris.

This has been a Team Coco production in association with Year Wolf.