Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Dating Your Family In Iceland

Episode Date: January 20, 2022

Conan talks with Bjarki from Reykjavik about life in Iceland and how it could be improved by Conan’s despotic rule. Wanna get a chance to talk to Conan? Submit here: TeamCoco.com/CallConan

Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco.com slash call Konan. Okay, let's get started. Hi, Bjerke, meet Konan and Sona. Hello, hello. Very nice to meet you. Very good to see you.

Am I saying your name correctly? Bjerke. Yes. Well, Icelanders do love a rolled R, so it's Bjerke. How about this? What? Bjerke. Oh, my God.

Okay. Even if that wasn't my name, I'd change it to that. So tell us, Bjerke, where are you contacting us from? I am sitting in Iceland, Reykjavík, Reykjavík. You're in Reykjavík, Iceland? That's it. That's fantastic. I have never been to Iceland and I've always wanted to go.

I'm serious. I do travel shows and I would very much like to go to Iceland and that was on our list of places to go before COVID shut everything down, but I do hope to go. Tell me about Reykjavík, Iceland. What's it like there? Well, it's mostly dark and cold and windy. So we've got that going for us for sure. Right.

Okay. Sold. So obviously you work for the tourist bureau. You've been coming up with the new slogan. Exactly, yes. So it's dark, it's windy, it's obviously very cold because it's Iceland. And tell me what your life is like. What's your, you're a young guy, you're a good-looking young fellow, you're, what do

you do? What do you do for fun in Reykjavík? Well, back in the olden days, before the whole corona business, you know, life was pretty good. These days, it's what I imagine most people do is stay inside and watch a lot of Netflix. Yes. And that is how this time will be remembered. You know, there are all these accounts of the terrible black plague that almost destroyed

humanity and what horrors people went through. And I think the predominant memory of this period will be a lot of Netflix. Netflix and ill. Yeah. Exactly. Hey, very nicely done, Matt. Oh, boy. Thank you.

Thank you. I think they did the same thing during the black death as well, just watch a lot of Netflix. Yes. Yes. I think they did a lot of shows, performing shows on Netflix. Now it's Tiger King. Yeah, exactly. So tell us.

So I don't know anything about Reykjavík except, does memory serve me correctly? Is that where Reagan met with Gorbachev? Was that Reykjavík? Absolutely. Yes. And I remember, I had just started my career in comedy at the time and I was working for a show called Not Necessarily the News where we had to look at raw news footage to try and see if we could come up with anything funny about it.

And my writing partner and I, Greg Daniels, we would stare at this screen. And I remembered during that summit, we had to watch hours and hours and hours of a locked-off shot of that goddamn house where Reagan and Gorbachev met. And I swear to God, I think for five hours straight, we watched that house in real time to see if anything funny was happening. And guess what? Nothing funny happened. It was a house.

Is it still there? That must be the big hot spot to go check out, right? I can tell you, I drive past that house every day on my way to work. Really? Still, nothing funny is happening. Still, nothing funny has happened, right? It's been 35 years since I looked at that footage and still, not a goddamn funny thing has happened. No, nobody's even slipped outside or anything.

Keep watching. Something hilarious is going to happen there very soon, I promise you. Gorbachev is still in there. Yeah, he can't find the way out. You know, all right, well, OK, lots to talk about. I don't know. I have to say, I feel that I'm ignorant here, but in Iceland, I don't know much about what happens there, except I've heard there's a lot of drinking in Iceland, which has always

intrigued me. Is that fair to say? Oh, yes, absolutely. Well, what a lot of people don't really know is that beer, beer was actually outlawed until about 1990, which was when I was born. That was beer outlawed. I don't understand why that would be the case. It's a fairly innocuous alcoholic beverage compared to others.

Well, not in the hands of Icelanders. I can tell you that. Oh, I see. OK, all right. So they didn't want you guys. So what did you guys drink instead of beer? Well, the thing is, the stronger the spirits and the clear liquids, those were all still, you could buy those.

They were just so expensive that the quote, unquote, common man couldn't really afford them. Yeah. So essentially, I think the logic goes that the rich and the powerful, they wanted to keep drinking, whereas it was seen as a bit gauche for the commoners to be drinking. So they just outlawed beer. What terrible, terrible leadership you had is completely missing the point of what it means to be alive.

So tell me, what are these spirits? So what are you drinking? I'll tell you this. I've been to, many years ago, I went to Finland and I have a very strong bond with the people of Finland. And everywhere I went, they offered me Korskankova. And Korskankova did taste like something you would put in a MiG fighter to make it go faster. It was a powerful, powerful, powerful alcohol.

Do you have anything like Korskankova in Iceland? Oh, yes. What do you have? Absolutely. Brejnevin? Brejnevin? Yes. It's essentially burnt wine and it tastes like, oh, tastes like gasoline.

It just clears you right up. If you're feeling a bit stuff, just a drip of it will clear it all up. So is it technically a wine that someone just put on the stove and burned? Yeah, I believe so. A lot of our sort of most traditional drinks and foods are sort of discovered by accident, it feels like. Like Iceland. Exactly.

Right, Iceland itself was a totally, totally founded accidentally and you have the same thing with all of your foods. So your drink is burnt wine and then your, what is your favorite deal, like some turkey that fell on the floor? I'll tell you. A pie that fell off a shelf and smashed is your national dish. Yeah, it's on the flag, actually. But no, I can tell you that probably you won't get any more traditional Icelandic than burnt

wine and then fermented shark. Oh, right. I've heard about this. I did hear about this. In Iceland, you eat fermented shark. So what's that all about? Because I'm trying to find the right word, stupid. There you go.

Oh, yeah. That sounds stupid to ferment a shark. I mean, literally let a shark rot and then start gnawing away at it. Oh, yeah. And we actually bury it in the ground and let it rot. Then we dig it back up and eat it for some unknown reason. Again, this was an accident. Someone said, well, let's just bury this shark.

We've got plenty of food. Then realize later, actually we don't. Where did I leave that shark? Well, I think you buried him over there. Hey, let's dig him up. Wow. Pretty rancid. Let's start to chomping.

So anyway, I shouldn't have said stupid that was culturally ignorant of me, but also very honest. You're eating a rotten shark. Right. Yeah. There's really no defending it, really. And you wash it down with burnt wine. Oh, yeah.

Just to really drive home the self-hatred, for sure. Tell me, what's your social life like? Again, I don't want to overstress this, but you're a young man. You're an attractive fellow. I'm going to keep mentioning how attractive you are until we get to that. Oh, thank you so much. I'm just so lonely. No, but what's it like?

What's your social life like? What do young people do? How do they get together? And just, I know we're all going through COVID, but let's forget COVID doesn't exist for a minute, just so I can learn about Iceland. How big is this country? How many people live in Iceland? Well, in sort of the whole entire country, we've got probably roughly 350,000 people.

I thought you were going to say 350 people. Yeah, they're all outside my door right now. You're all fighting over the same rancid shark. So 350,000, that is, you have a very small population. Oh, yeah. Here in Reykjavik, the capital, it's about 170,000 at most. So the dating pool is pretty shallow, you could say. Meaning the people you meet are very shallow, they don't have.

Is that what you mean? Or you meant, no, it's just there's not a lot of people to meet. How do you, do you have apps the way we have apps? Oh, sure. I mean, Tinder, thankfully, I haven't had to sort of dip my toe in the pool for quite a while, but there's Tinder, but let's say the selection isn't that varied. It couldn't be. No.

You must be, you probably swipe like five different faces and then you're back at the first person again. Exactly. Exactly. Like you again, I swiped you 20 minutes ago. Does your own profile come up as someone to date sometimes? Yeah, during COVID for sure. Yeah.

Have you ever dated yourself and how did that go? It didn't end very well. I used to have hair, but that, right, exactly. You found that you were incompatible with yourself. Exactly. Okay, this is a delicate question, but you're a small country, not a lot of people, and there's dating. How do you avoid running into people who maybe share your genetic material?

Well, we do actually have an app for that as well. Seriously. Are you serious? What's it called? Well, the thing about Icelanders is that we're big into genealogy. So there's essentially a website called the Book of Icelanders where you can track your forefathers quite a ways into the past. Is it just one tree?

Yeah. It's, yeah. Everybody's first cousins. It grows from fermented shark, yeah. Right. So you can go on this dating app and it will tell you, not a good idea, right? Yeah. You can essentially type in a person's name and you can see just how related you are.

Oh, my God. Wow. What is this app called? Does it have a fun name? Like watch out or? We're not great at marketing. We're not great at marketing, but it's just the Book of Icelanders. You need a much catchier title than that.

You need to come up with something. I mean, that's why I'm here. Just about legal. Yeah. All right. Now, the app is just called almost legal. Uh-oh. It's one of those things where, you know, you'd really rather want to know, first of

all. Guess what? I'm going to tell you something. You know where they could have used this app? Ireland. No. Okay. Because don't get me started.

Uh, you know, we've, that's a relatively small population on an island. And I think, Sona, you can attest that many of my problems, both physical and mental, may be attributed to the fact that there was some replication of genetic material along the line. I mean, it would explain a lot. It would explain a lot. How else can you maintain a hundred percent of anything? I know.

Yes. I am, I am 100%, I've said this before, but I am 100% genetically pure Irish, which even people in Ireland can't achieve that level of purity. And that was just all of us moving into one house in Worcester, Massachusetts in like 1860 and not leaving. Oh man. I don't know why I'm laughing. It's really tragic, but sometimes we laugh because we can't cry.

And literally that's another thing, genetically I can't cry. So lots of things to talk about there. So that's great. I think you guys are addressing that issue and biarke, am I saying it right? You get full marks. Absolutely. You're actually a lot closer than most. Thank you.

As is common in your country. Wait, I have a question, biarke. Yes, please. Don't show off that you're doing it better than me. Oh, sorry. I don't even have a question. I just wanted to say your name. Isn't there something where when you take the name of your parents, you take their first

name and not their last name or am I getting that wrong? That is exactly right, actually. I think you're also, I'm sorry, I think you're thinking of the hobbit. Isn't your name Oakenshield? Oh, God, I wish. Well, I will say, I will say actually, so my father's name is Swanthor. That's cool. It's pretty cool when I say it.

That's both elegant and brutal. Exactly. That's Iceland in a nutshell, right there. Swanthor. So my name actually comes out to biarke swanthorsson. So you're the son of swanthor. Exactly, right? So every generation has a different last name?

Yes. My child, my hypothetical future child would be biarke son. Wow. Wow, that is so cool. What? Have you ever been in a bar? I would love that. I would love to see you being in a bar and you're just downing your, what was it called

grippgrap and I made very little attempt to learn it, but you're there and you're drinking in a bar and a menacing figure kicks the door open and says, I look for swanthor and then you stand dramatically and say, I, I be swanthor. Has that ever happened? Son of swanthor. Yeah, that's true. That's a Tuesday for us, yeah. We haven't opened doors with our hands and ages.

We just kick them all down. Yeah, you just kick them open. Oh yeah. And also, and by the way, in my scenario, he's just looking for you because there's a UPS package. It needs a signature. Yeah, a signature need eye. He's a pirate.

Yeah. And you say, a signature I give swanthorsson says me. Okay, this got really bad. I'm so sorry. I think I'm burning bridges left and right. Don't tell me you're just drinking water right now. You just took a swig of something. Yeah, no, this is pure brandy.

Oh, nice. That's great. Oh yeah. Keeps the keeps the cold out. Well, how can I help you? I want to, I'm so glad that you are listening to our nonsense all the way in Reykjavík. And I would like very much to visit you one day. I think it would be fun to have a friend yourself show me around Iceland.

Oh, I'd love to take you to the penis museum, to an active volcano. We've got to know the whole. The penis museum. Oh yeah. I'm not going to say volcano, but Sona, of course, went right to penis museum. You have a penis museum? Yes, we do. Well, phallological museum, if you want to get technical about it, which not many people

do. Yeah. Yeah. I think cone groups prefer that. Yeah. Sona wants to call it the dick house. So tell me, it's all, these would be animal penises, I'm hoping. All but one.

Yeah. Oh, okay. Who's the unlucky guy? It's a hobbit. Yeah. Talk about having to make a donation to a museum. Well, this is a guy who actually, yeah, he had been lobbying for quite a while before he passed that he would be the first to grace the halls, if you will, of the penis museum.

Yeah. Otherwise, there's about 200 penises in there. So there's something for everyone. Can you imagine if there was ever an explosion at the penis factory? And I'm sorry, but cocks were just raining down. Come on. Well, I'm sorry, and they were sticking in the ground that was ice, falling like icicles, and people were running, screaming.

The shadows coming on the ground. Yeah. They have umbrellas that are protecting them from the dicks that are falling. I always carry a dick umbrella. It's raining men. You can actually, you can get one of those at the gift shop too. Yeah, I'm sure they can. No, they never should have put the fireworks factory next to the dick museum.

That was the biggest mistake they ever made. Ka-Blam! Everyone get out your cock umbrellas. Thwap-a-thwap-a-thwap-a-thwap-a. Come on. And I'm just standing there smiling glad I came prepared. That sound effect came to you very fast. Thwap-a-thwap-a-thwap-a-thwap-a-thwap-a.

Thwap-a-thwap-a-thwap-a-thwap-a. Just the sound of mackerels being coming out of the sky, hitting your umbrella. Oh, god. Well, you didn't call into a smart podcast, that's for sure. Björke, and I'm saying that name, I think, better than Matt Gorley. Björke. Björke. No, more R. Björke.

Björke. Björke. Do you have a query for me? A question? Is there any way I can help you? Yes. Absolutely. I am actually, let's say I'm here as a sort of an emissary for Iceland because I am,

like many people around the world, growing tired of our leadership. So I was hoping you could tell me, Conan O'Brien, how life in Iceland would improve under your, let's say, despotic rule. Thank you. Well, first of all, I love your assumption, which is correct, that when I rule, it is with total authority, with an iron fist, if you will. I must have, that's my deal with the world. If you're interested in me taking over your country, I'm not going to be some prime minister

who's quibbling and quabbling with various parliaments. I'm not interested in the democratic process. I must rule with absolute authority. And so what's to be done then? I think the first thing that needs to be done is we need to move the fireworks factory away from the Penis Museum. I'm writing this down. That I would do on the first absolute, first day.

One of all, I think it would probably be a good idea to start importing people with different genetic material into the country, encouraging people to come visit Iceland and procreate. That's the kind of advice I would give to people. Come to Iceland. Come for the fine hotels and the beautiful burnt wine. Stay to create a more diverse genetic pool. That would be my campaign for the country. And I would do all I could to make sure that people came and that's what I would want.

We haven't done the Monarch thing in a while, so I'm all for it. I'm going to submit this to our parliament. Nice. Conan, I think you would thrive in Iceland because it's cold and dark. Well, first of all, I do love, I shouldn't be living in Los Angeles because I love darkness. I don't like the sun. I like cold weather because I get to wear cool furry jackets. I would like to wear a jacket, I like a jacket made of animal hides, you know?

Just a big kind of Viking jacket and I would stroll around and I would have a staff with a stuffed penis at the tip and I would rule with an iron authority and my rule would be law. I can hear the fan art happening already. Yeah, exactly. And I would live in that house where Gorbachev met with Reagan and I would insist that a funny visual gag happen every 10 minutes outside the house and I would arrange for it to happen. So it's either just some of the things that are going to happen when I come to Reykjavik

and take my rightful place as ruler of that great land and you, you will be my right hand. Amazing. It would be my honor. Well, yeah. And also you have to. That's true. You have no choice. You know, it was a thrill talking to you.

You seem like a very nice guy, a very funny guy and very fortunate to have you as a listener to our Foolish podcast. And seriously, I would like to meet you in person. I'm going to get to Iceland, come hell or high water. I'm going to do it. I'll be here. Thank you so much. All three of you.

Yeah. Very nice talking to you. Have a great day. Thanks for the honor. For Eternal Night, whichever comes first. Conan O'Brien needs a fan with Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian and Matt Gawirly produced by me, Matt Gawirly, executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Soloteroff and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Colin Anderson at Earwolf, music by Jimmy Vivino, supervising producer

Aaron Blair, associate talent producer Jennifer Samples, associate producers Sean Doherty and Lisa Berm engineered by Will Beckton. Please rate, review and subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Cocoa production in association with Stitcher.