Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - David Sedaris Returns

Episode Date: June 20, 2022

Writer David Sedaris feels fantastic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. David and Conan sit down together once more to discuss David’s new book Happy-Go-Lucky, the importance of dressing up, being alone in Alaska, and family dysfunction. Later, Conan considers the possibility of performing in hospital delivery rooms as he and his team Review the Reviewers.   Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is David Sedaris, and I feel fantastic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, joined here by the very Abel, Matt Goorley, and of course the extremely confident, misplaced confidence, but confidence still the same. It's definitely misplaced. Sona Movsesian. Yes. Yeah, misplaced ability too.

Misplaced ability as well. Yeah. We have a terrific show today. But I want to start by talking about this very unique experience I just had. My wife, Liza, wrote a play called Apostrophe, and she got a production of it up on Whidbey Island, which is just north of Seattle. I went up this weekend to Whidbey Island, I don't know if you've ever been there, it's gorgeous.

But you go up, I went there with my daughter, and we took a ferry over, and we met Liza, and we saw this production of her play, which was really, really fun, plays terrific, casts this amazing, so I had this great experience, really proud of my wife, just everything was hitting on all cylinders. One of the cool things is it's a very small town, I was wandering around this small town and I immediately started to get to know everybody, because I stick out a little bit. So it starts with just people in town saying hi, and then I go to sit down at one point and police chief walks by, sees me, we start chatting, lovely guy, a chief Tavier Wassar,

he, I meet him, and we strike up a friendship, the next thing I know he's saying, would you like to meet the mayor? And I say, yeah, I'd like to meet the mayor, sure. The answer to do you want to meet the mayor is yes, I want to meet the mayor. I say yes, I want to meet the mayor, and he says great, and then we exchange numbers, then I'm texting the police chief back and forth, and also thinking, I've got to get out of jail, free card right now. Yeah, I was just thinking that, so you could speed.

I stole things. It was a crime spree. Did you do a little murder? Maybe there was a little murder. Oh, you don't have to say. Just a little. You don't have to say. Let's just say, I dabbled in murder.

Okay. I dipped my toe in murder. All right. Anyway, we're back and forth, and then he says, yeah, come on by the city hall at two, and this is a small town, so I'm walking around, and then it starts to get to be near two o'clock, and I'm with my daughter, and my wife's over at the theater, she's, you know, I think she's busy working, but I'm with my daughter, and then I'm thinking, where's the city hall, and someone comes rushing out of their store, and they go, oh, hi, Conan,

I'm headed over to your ceremony, and I'm like, ceremony. So she says, I said, do you know where city hall is? And she says, yeah, everything is one block away from everything else. It's right there. So we go over, and sure enough, they've planned, I get a tour, the mayor and the, I get introduced to the mayor, police chief introduces me to the mayor, and then we get shown through the city hall, people are incredibly nice, and then they have a crowd out behind city hall, and they have an impromptu ceremony, and they dedicate a trash can to me.

What? Yes. I'm the talkie trash can here. I know. This is highway robbery. Yeah. And so there's a trash can there, and they very quickly, the mayor had a speech, that he found someone in town to write for him, and then I met the kid who wrote the speech,

and I said, so you, and he looked at, he's about 19, he's wearing a little bow tie, and I said, so you worked for the mayor, and he went, oh no, the mayor just saw me, getting buying a cappuccino and said, I need a speech for Conan O'Brien, induction into the trash can Hall of Fame. Is that an honor? Yeah. You know, I think the thing to do is to just say yes it is. Okay.

Okay. So they quickly, I mean, it's kind of a joke, but they just put a sign on it that said the Kona can, and now Mike Sweeney, who used to, he and his lovely wife, Cynthia, they both flew up to see this play because they're tight with Liza as well. And so they came up and Mike Sweeney's the lead field guy who has done all of the Conan travel shows. Yeah. And he's been with me in every single country and saying, okay, now go here.

I mean, Cuba, Armenia. So Mike Sweeney hears that I'm doing this and he rushes over from his Airbnb and he's like, okay, I've got some jokes for you. I've got some things you could do. And I'm going to shoot it. And then he's shooting it wildly with his iPhone. I think, hey, our travel shows are back after two and a half years of COVID. We're back.

This is your return. I'm on Whidbey Island with the mayor and it's totally something we would have done in one of our travel shows, completely something we would have done. So we have that experience and they asked me to sign the trash can. They gave me a Sharpie. So I drew a little Conan and I write, this is what an honor, you know, and then I sign it and date it. And it's an actual trash can that's going to be there at Whidbey Island for the foreseeable

future until they honor the next person who comes to town. But I had that experience and I thought, this is really fantastic. And then I'm like feeling kind of full of myself and just because it's a big experience, it's a heavy experience and I'm and also just a little dazed, you know, a little like we flew up there. I didn't get much sleep. My wife's got at this play. I'm going to go see that in about an hour and I'm a little just off kilter and I'm walking

down the street and these two guys, these two kids see me. They look like sort of, you know, maybe 19 and one of them turns around and goes, whoa, Conan O'Brien. And I said, oh, hey guys. And they're like, wow, we heard you were in town. We didn't believe it. This is crazy. Yeah, well, nice talking to you and they're like, nice talking to you too.

And then I wanted to say something afterwards and I don't know why I said this, but I wrote it down in my journal. I wrote, have some good time. Oh, no. I wrote it down. Have some good time. They must have thought like some imposter Conan O'Brien had come to the island. It's like we couldn't afford the real Conan O'Brien to this guy.

I think you were desperate to find something to say to them. And I didn't have it. And you didn't have it. And I remember just started turning around and going, have some good time. And then I turned back and I'm walking and I turned to my daughter and I said, have some good time. Was she embarrassed? She was just shook her head like that was not good.

You were up there too. You were doing really great. I was doing so well. No, I was killing it. I had, you know, chief wasser on my speed dial, mayor, I'm, you know, elevated to the point where I get my own trash can. Yeah. You've peaked.

I peaked and then I had it and I was walking away from these kids and I shout out, have some good time. That's because it's over now. Yeah. Because you peaked at the trash can and it's downhill from there. It's also your, I get this. You're so desperate, not you, but in general. One is so desperate.

Not me. People are very desperate to think, to make teenagers think they're cool. And you, they thought you were cool. You had them. I had it. You had some good time. And then they were like, oh, we thought he was cool. But you know what it reminded me of?

You know when you're in a country, China or Korea and they, or Japan, they do that thing where they, they use English words, but it doesn't quite make sense. Like hooray, good fun noodles, you know, they'll, you'll see that. I made, I made one of those. I speak English and I was born here and I said, have some good time. You turned into A.I. Conan. It was K.I.

Conan. Oh, man. Anyway, I think the slogan for Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend should be have some good time. That's a great slogan. I like that. Have some good time. Yeah, man. We'll have some good intro to our next guest.

Very nice. Oh, that was good. Nicely done. And you know what? We will have some good time. My guest today is a humorist and bestselling author whose latest book, Happy Go Lucky, is out now and it's a terrific book. No surprise that it's a terrific book.

I'm thrilled he's with us today, David Sideris, welcome. Last time you came on, you said apprehensive, but I didn't know you. And then I got to say, I said to people afterwards, I said, he's the greatest guy. I said, you know, there's one thing, you know, you see somebody on television or even if you go on television, you know, because that's more of a kind of a mill situation, you know, when there's a pre-interview and all that stuff. But I said, no, if you met him, I said you'd be crazy about him. That's so nice.

Now, of course, my mind goes right to what's wrong with the television persona. Why did that, why didn't that grab you? It's almost as if you're saying, and this is how I hear things. Isn't it crazy? Conor Bryant seems like a really great guy, despite what you would think. Anybody else? I said what I meant was, you know what, it's not about you, it's about me. Because if I have to go on TV, I just think, I just want this to be over, but this is a

bit different. I don't know, in part because it's not being filmed. She's going to tell them that actually there are four cameras here. So this is being filmed. So many. Hot HD cameras. And guess what? There's a live audience watching at the State of the Center.

35,000 people are watching right now. And when I first did your show, your show had just started, and so that was a long time ago. Yeah, and things were pretty rough back then. I would often cry halfway through the interview for no reason. But I think we were both with the same people back then. Yeah. We don't need to find new partners every few years.

No. We don't need to do that. No. That's for other people. Someone's relationship's got to last, right? Well, I know you've been with Hugh for quite a long time. 31 years. 31 years.

Yeah. I've been with my wife for 22, six of those years quite happy, really off the charts. But no, it's, yeah, we are people that go the long haul. That's what I say. But like, maybe my sister Amy was here. She would attribute that to our astrological signs. She's constantly trying to convert me to... I've never been a believer.

I don't understand what the position of the stars has to do with anything. No. And so I adore your sister and she's one of the most talented people I've ever met and just a delightful person. But I think she's off her rocker because she thinks that Pluto's position has anything to do with how we behave or what we're doing. Do you know what I mean? No, I feel the same way.

I feel that about astrology. I feel that way about ghosts. I hate hearing about ghosts. When you're at a dinner or something and someone says, my, you know, I stayed at this holiday inn and it's haunted and okay, that holiday inn is seven years old. My house in England is 500 years old, right? So why is it my house? If anyone's house was going to be haunted, it would be mine.

I love a seven-year-old structure being haunted. Who's haunting it? It was someone who worked in Obama's second administration. He worked it with Osha, but what happened? Oh, he just got a blister and it got out of control and he passed away. But he haunts and the other thing when we've talked about this is it really irritates me that there doesn't seem to be any rules about why a place is haunted, meaning sometimes a place is haunted because the person died there, which makes sense to me.

But then there are other people that say, oh, no, it's haunted by an old coal miner who said, oh, really, well, where did he die? Did he die here in the house? Oh, no, he died like 65 miles from here. But then he took public transportation and set up shop in this house that was built four years ago that has solar panels. You're like, no. No, according to an expert that Amy talked to, ghosts can come into your house by way

of secondhand clothing. So if you go to Goodwill, bring home a t-shirt, that could be bringing a ghost into your house. If you buy a piece of antique furniture, a ghost is coming to your house that way. Yeah, it's like a deer tick, a ghost now. So when your kids have been out playing, you should check them for ghosts when they come back in the house to make sure that everything's, oh, no, no, no, no, hold on a second, there's an old widower of a sea cap then clinging to your calf. But see, that way you could have had your house built for you and you could move into

it and there could be a ghost because somebody who came to put new filters in the air conditioner, the ghost could have traveled that way. Also, I'm not, ghosts are often up to not much. Someone will say, you'll say, how do you know there's a ghost and say, well, you know, at night I can hear there's a radiator grate that's on the third floor but towards the back and it's slightly always adjusting. You're like, if you were in the afterlife for all eternity, that's what you'd be doing. Is adjusting a radiator grate?

But they always make it seem like, okay, you have ghosts in your house but you're so self-centered, you're so shallow that you can't pick up on them, right? So it's something about your personality. It's your deficient in some way because you can't pick up on the ghost. This other in tune person can pick up on it. It's just bullshit from beginning to end, the whole ghost thing. Ghosts, astrology, Amy, Sideris, if you're out there listening, we're not having it. We're not having it and your brother and I are ganging up on you.

Well, we need to arrange an intervention. Yes. We really need to do. But I think Anna Sayots. Yeah. But here's the problem. I feel like if we had an intervention for Amy, Sideris, she would show up in character with her nose taped up and I'd be like, no, no, no, Amy, we're trying to have an intervention

with you and she'd be like, whoa, whoa, the fucker, oh, no, no, not fair. We got to talk to you. I know that you're shy about your work, but I am not shy about your work. You've got a terrific new book and I'm going to mention it. It's called Happy Go Lucky and I loved it. Oh, gosh, thanks so much. I read it cover to cover and I really enjoyed it and I will tell you a true story, which is we've just opened up these new podcasts, this podcast studio and our offices here in

Larchmont Village in Los Angeles and there's a nice independent bookstore. I forget, it's like Chevalier books or something right down the street and so because our offices here, I wander down there all the time and go into the bookstore. I was in there two days ago in the bookstore and this person comes in behind me and says, I'm just looking around scanning and this person comes in and says, I want the new David Sideris. And the person behind the counter said, yes, we have that right here and he went, no, that's not it.

The new David Sideris and the woman working this first said, there's a new David Sideris and he said yes and she went, well, that's fantastic news. I love David Sideris and it was all I could do not to turn around and go, well, I'll be talking to her in two days time and I'll get the real scoop on this new book. I don't know why I'd be talking in that voice, but it was as if you had paid people to do that around me because you knew that we would be talking. It was such almost sounded like a fake conversation. I must have the new David Sideris.

That's so exciting that there's a new David Sideris. It was staged by your publishers, I think, this conversation. Gosh, because I never, you know, it's one thing to write a book, and it's another thing to see people buying it, like get a book signing or something, but I never really imagined anyone reading it. You know what I mean? Yeah. I did talk to the person.

He said he's never read a book of yours. He just loves the artwork. I fought hard for that artwork because a number of years ago, I was at a museum in Glasgow in Scotland, and it was an adventure, like an 18th century adventure, traveled around the world and left his curiosity collection to the university with the stipulation they build a museum in his honor, so they did. So, anyway, I'm in the museum and there are two jars on a formaldehyde with dead birds in them.

One said, in beautiful handwriting, the testicles of an old sparrow in winter, and the other said the testicles of an old sparrow in spring, and I said one of those is the title in my book. So, I named the testicles of an old sparrow in winter, and then Walmart, and I think some other big store said, we will not carry the book if you have the word testicle, as if it's like saying ovary. It's not a bad word. No, it's not.

All right? And my publisher is pretty cool, so they were like, we're not telling you. You have to change it. But I thought, yeah, actually, I'm not married to it. Right. I'm with happy go lucky. I said, but I want the creepiest clown ever on the cover. I don't want to ask you about this because I do encourage everyone listening to get this

book because it's really terrific, but what grabs your attention right away is it is one of the most eerie covers I've ever seen on any book. Oh, no. The first question was, it is a really crazy clown, a creepy clown, and it's a black and white photograph, and it looks like it's a photograph from 1957. Is this a staged photograph that's made to look old or an actual old photograph? It's an actual old photograph. Oh, my, it is horrific.

And it's a pedophile. I mean, you just know that he's a pedophile. Well, I mean, I'm going to actually put in a legal disclaimer right now that we don't know this man's pedophile, and best of luck to him and his legal team. But there's a poodle, he's holding a white poodle, and then there's a child, and we can't tell what gender that child is either, but what I like is that they're all looking in a different direction. And the clown has the weirdest, freakiest makeup, and I'm going to say the photograph

is maybe late 50s, early 60s. Oh, God. Makeup's awful. Um, I love the photo and it terrifies me. Please go out and find this book and look at the cover. Well, then I said I wanted a terrifying clown, and then they sent me these book covers with like jolly clowns, and it's like, no, you didn't hear what I said, and so I found that clown. How'd you find this photograph?

I googled Creepy Clown. Damn, I've always said you're a smart guy, that's the difference between us. I would ask someone to google it. I wouldn't google it myself. Plus, whenever I see a clown, my first thought is, he looks good. Like I'd wear what that clown's wearing. Yeah. I would wear a, wouldn't a tie made out of what looks like a canoe paddle.

Yeah. I like his little hat, he's got a little hat perched on his forehead. And you can tell that the hat is rubber and it's painted. Everything about this photograph is horrific. I'd like to find out, because there's a young child in the photograph who could be still with us, could be, and probably is, probably is a very pleasant either 65-year-old man or woman right now. It could be you.

Wait a minute, that is me. Good God, you're right. I also like that the clown's gloves are dirty. The clown has clearly just crawled its way out of a grave. That's, you know. The more I learn about you, the more I realize there's things, many things I think we have in common. Writing things that made people laugh was something that was like a revelation to me.

And I know that that's how you started, isn't it? Kind of how you started? Did you know you could write funny things when you were a kid? I started writing when I was 20, but I just kept it to myself. And then I went back to college when I was 27, and I took a creative writing class. And I read something out loud in class, and the classroom laughed. And I thought, oh, how did I not know? This feels better than anything in the world.

This is what I want. You know, my sister, Amy, like, you know, growing up with Amy is my sister. You know, most people, let's say the funniest person you've ever met is, like, at a tan. Amy's off the scale, you know? Yes. Yes, she is. But this was something I could do, was like writing it and then getting. And then I just redirected my life.

But you know, it's interesting because I think you're very well known for going on these book tours. And there are authors who, I think, do it with a gun at their back, like, they'll read from their book. You seem to absolutely love the process of meeting your fans and making them laugh and then spending a great deal of time with them afterwards, which is not the norm. No. There's no question there.

I'm just telling you, you're not required for the rest of this podcast, you can just listen to me. I'm just going to start spouting facts. The peanut is neither a pea nor a nut. It's a legume. I know, but I. Excuse me, I'm not done with my list of facts. We apologize.

I'm sorry. No, but I'm saying you really love the interaction with your fans and I think it must be lovely when you've sat and you've written all this, you know, in solitude to then go read it to people and see them convulse with laughter must be fantastic. Yeah, it feels like the reward for being in a room by myself. And I don't bother people, you know, when I'm signing books, I don't bother them. Like I don't say, oh, would you like, you know, did you like this more than this? You can't do that.

I'm not going to give you a real answer anyway, but it's just nice to, I don't know, I was in San Diego yesterday and this woman, I always have gifts for teenagers, right? So this woman brought her daughter who's 17 and the daughter had Down syndrome. And I said, well, I've got a gift for you and I wanted to give her the best thing I had in the bag and to me, they're called roach clips, but they look like really big cockroaches and they're made out of rubber and they're brown rubber like that. But it's a clip. You could close the sandwich bag, you know, a bag of potatoes, just like that.

I pulled that out of my bag, she's great, she jumped out of her skin, it looked, it looked so bad and I could see people in line like, what's she doing to that girl with Down syndrome? And so then, and then we calmed her down and then I gave her what was, I thought the scariest thing in my bag, which were like LGBTQ plus rainbow socks, you know, like rainbow flag socks and she loved those. So I want to just get to back to something you said, I always keep a bag full of presents for teenagers.

Let's explore that a little more. What is that all about? I just always so honored that a teenager, you know, when I, one of my first book tour like what, I don't know, 28 years ago or something, I was closer to a teenager's age, but now I'm their grandfather's age. So when you think about it, here's a 16-year-old coming to see somebody who's their grandfather's age and I'm just so honored that they would do that. So I just like to send them home with a little something and again, it's not anything big.

You know, sometimes somebody will give me something and then I just take it to the next town and give it away to somebody else. It's not really what it is, it's just more like, it's the idea that you had something for somebody. So, you know, maybe it's, you know, at the worst, it's conditioner from my hotel and it's the best. I was in Alaska a few weeks ago and they had these, this guy makes these enamel poles that you put on like a zipper, right?

So, and those were, you know, they were $18 each and that's a big, and so I tell, say to the teenager, you know, this cost $18, so you just think of that. Do you shop in every town before the event? No, I just kind of pick things up, you know, it's just funny how that worked. I save things all year too, you know, that somebody will give me, like, you know, I mean, you must get a lot of gifts and you don't necessarily, you know, need them, but you think, well, I'm not going to throw it away and somebody would like this, you know, like whenever you go on TV and they give you a bucket bucket in your room, you know, got

a baseball cap with the host name on it and all that stuff. So I just, someone wants that in Des Moines. Sometimes you'll do something and they'll say, and here's your gift afterwards. And it's like this giant weird, lucite cube that they've put your name on and you think, I know this cost about $35 to $40 to make and it's using a resource that we have that we can't waste and they've made it, but there's nothing, and I can't give it to anyone because you, no one wants a lucite hexagon with your name put into it. It was like, thanks for doing, you know, thanks for helping us out on the cuckoo show.

And you just think, well, where is this going? And this is going to exist for the next billion years. And I just, I'm, I'm plagued at those kinds of things make me crazy. If I'm handed something that I can immediately hand to someone else, that makes me feel good. And for the most part, we did have an assistant. Oh boy. Well, I'm sorry. Sona found, this person will go nameless, but someone gave me a really nice, like, Bluetooth

headset that was like very expensive and nice. I did something for somebody and they gave it to me. And so we have this brand new person working for us. And I said to this kid, let's just call him Steve. I said, that's not his name. And I said, Hey Steve, do you want these, this headset? And I thought, here's the host of the show saying, Hey Steve, do you want this headset? And he went, I'm good.

And he made kind of a sad face. And I said, Oh, and as a joke, I said, you know what you could do. You could pretend that what I did was a nice gesture. I was kind of joking. And I was like, Oh, okay, you could pretend that you're kind of excited about the headset. And he looked at me and he said, but that would be lying. And then I turned to you and I'm like, what, who is this? I know.

I feel like it was his first week. And then he worked for us for like, maybe six more years and Conan brought it up on a monthly basis. You know, if I was like, Oh, I'm going to ask Steve to do something. He's like, Oh, Steve, the guy that didn't like the headset years later, but you were there. It was very strange. It was strange.

It was weird. And it was a really nice set of headphones. And I've seen his headphones and they were garbage, but he just like really, he's like, I'm all right. It was shocking. I was just trying to say, pretend, just pretend. Yeah. Wow, golly.

Conan gave me this headset and then walk outside and throw it in the gutter. No, I would have done anyone better. Conan gave me this headset, go home, write Conan a thank you letter for that headset, and then find somebody who needed it more than you and give it to that person. You did a lovely thing, which is last time you did our podcast few days later, this lovely thank you note showed up and you referenced some of the things that you liked about the interview. And I thought, this is absolutely spectacular.

I'm a big believer in, I usually write demented. I have a typewriter and I like to write people notes. And sometimes they're demented, but, but I enjoy it. I really enjoy mailing someone a letter and people are, it's such a simple thing to do, but you feel ecstatic when you get a piece of mail, real mail and someone took the trouble to write to you. Well, plus, it just makes sense, you know, that you want to, like if it's a fair gift or something that somebody gives you, people want to give more to people who are grateful.

Yes. You know? So it's, it's just common sense. I mean, in a mercenary way, it just benefits you, but, but other than that, it's just a good thing to do. And once I got the note, I'm like, we have to have David Sedaris back. And here you are, you know, we've got to promote the next book regardless of how frightening the cover is.

And here we are. We're doing it. When you were talking about gifts earlier, it made me think, it used to be when you went on a book tour, every bookstore would say, can we give you a book? And now they say, we've got something for you. And it's a mug with their name on it. And if you're going to like 30 cities on a tour, and you want to say, you know, when you're in a hotel, in case you don't know this, and you order coffee, they bring you

a mug, like you don't have to have your own, but they just give you the worst crap. Not even a teenager wants a mug with the name of a bookstore. No, I'd rather have a giant chip clip that looks like a roach than, um, anyway, thanks for coming on the podcast. Oh boy. Wow. Yep. There you go.

You're going to get one of those when you leave. But see, okay. But a teenager would like this. I think they would. See, it's a mug that says, Kellan and Brian needs a friend. A teenager would want that. They don't want a... Would they?

Let's assume they would. They would if there were some gold coins in there. Nope. Nope. They would want that because it's got your name on it. But that's a little bit different than, you know, and I'm very, you know, I'm not going to... They're nice bookstores and everything, but nobody is going to be excited about a mug

with their name written on it. That's gold right there for a teenager. That's teenage gold. Thank you for getting that. Fill it with pot. That's gold. Teenage gold. Yeah.

Fill it with pot and then lose the mug and that kid's really, really excited about it. You know, how did I not look around this table? I mean, I looked at your coffee cup, but I didn't look at everyone. They make us in his hands. This is his own. We have to... No, I have... First of all, you are not made...

Did I make you use those? Or would it be Adam Sacks, our overlord? No, I think it's understood that you would have made us if they didn't already do it, you know? You know, I was always amazed that, and I've talked about this before, but I always thought when I would watch the TV show Batman as a kid, I was just always amazed that his henchmen, we've talked about this, but when you go work for the Riddler, the Joker, it's a given that it doesn't matter who you are.

You could be a 55-year-old out-of-shape guy. You've got to wear a unitar that has question marks on it. That's an extension of what I'm doing, you know, is everyone has to have a Conan O'Brien mug. I mean, you're lucky you don't have to wear like a weird wool cap that says... Well, he was going to make us dress as a potted plant and a little Dutch boy. I can make you do anything. No, you can't.

I can't. You know, I was, and this takes us to a ton of a dark area, but when I started reading your book, Happy Go Lucky, the first chapter, which is really funny and also powerful, is about going with one of your sisters to a gun range, and you're talking about guns in America, and this is just on... We're one week out of, week and a half out of one of the worst shootings ever, and it's in the news every day. And so I had a second one I read it, which is, this is a little sad, but I just thought,

how did David know when he wrote this book what a coincidence that this has just happened? And then I realized, oh, it's not a coincidence because it's always happening, these shootings. But the first chapter of your book is talking about something that is all anybody's talking about right now in America. But, you know, five years from now, when someone gets the book out of the library, it will have just happened. I know, that's what I was... Ten years from now, when they find it in the thrift store, it will have just happened.

Yeah. And what gets me is the Flintstone backdrop nature of it, you know? Like it... It's happening again and again. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you know, you realize that the backdrop of the Flintstone is always the same. What gets me is a pile of teddy bears getting rained on, you know? And you always go through that, oh, that's how you know you're close to the end.

And then you hear if the community is healing. And it's, you know, obviously, we don't care enough to do anything about it, it's not that important to us. We would have done something. And I think the only thing you do is you go from door to door with like massive guns and you say, give us all your guns and we're going to kill you. Right. And then you take...

I don't remember who it was that said they would confiscate everyone's guns and melt them down to make Tony Awards out of them. But you're almost as legal thinking about it. I mean, you're not getting on a soapbox and speechifying. When you're done reading it, you realize that I know exactly how you feel about guns, but you've taken me there as a human being and someone who I can really relate to. It's a very powerful way, intentional or non-intentional, of talking about that subject. Well, if you lecture to people, they just turn off, I do, you know?

And I don't need you lecturing me about what's wrong with guns. You know what I mean? Right. But at the same time, when I was writing about it, these two guys I know in Texas and they... Somebody pounded on their door one night and it was a guy who escaped from a psychiatric hospital and he was trying to get into their house and saying, I know you've got my mother in there. And he was just...

There was no reasoning with him and he started bashing their door down. And so this guy, I was surprised because he's gay and he had a gun and he fired through the door. The intruder was bending down to headbutt and so the bullet went into his neck, but it didn't kill him. Just enraged him. And so he got into his car and he drove through their house because they had one of those prefabricated...

Right. Right. Here's... And this is exactly why people have guns. You know? Like... Theoretically, everyone says, I've got a gun in case the maniac attacks my home. I need a...I don't know why they need an AR-15, but they say I need to have a gun to protect

the home. And then statistically, that almost never happens. Right. That's... You know? When I first moved to Los Angeles, I had one or two people who were living here at the time said, well, you should get a gun. And I said, why would I get a gun?

They said, well, you know, home invasions. You know, you're a known person and it could be a home invasion. You need to protect your family. And I said, I'm just curious, like, the Manson family attack aside. What are all the home invasions where celebrities are defending themselves with guns? And no one could come up with one. You know? I mean, no one had a single one where someone started to crash through the window and they

had a gun and that prevented and saved their family. So that kind of blew me away that this was so many people I know. I don't know if there's more of a gun culture here in California or not, but it felt... Oh. What do you think? I don't know if there is. Not in California? They're in Central California.

Yeah. Not in LA. No one I... Well, that's not true. I was going to say no one I know has a gun, but I know people with guns. Yeah. I was at your kid's christening just yesterday and everyone was packing. Yeah.

Well, I was at your father. Your mother. Yeah. Your two little children had guns. Rosie and Rosie. They're first little guns. Yeah. Yeah.

They had their beginner guns. They're beginner guns. It was blue. It had dinosaurs on it. I was in Alaska a few weeks ago and so I was signing books and I was asking people about bears and so this woman, bears got into her trash and so she said to her husband, go out there and clean up the trash and she said, don't forget your side piece as he was walking outside.

So he goes outside and he's collecting this garbage and a bear comes charging out of the woods and he shot it and the woman said, and his mouth was full of dirt. And I said, I don't get it. And she said, the bear was charging so quickly that when he was shot, it hit the ground and its mouth was like a steam shovel. It just picked up all this dirt. It pulled it forward and packed the bear's mouth with dirt and then I thought, yeah, have a gun.

Yeah. I mean, if you live in Alaska and you're living in the, you know. Well, there's a ton of bears. I mean, I'm sure bears came to the book signing in Alaska. They were like, they're everywhere. I mean, that's, you know, I already signed this. But I mean, yes, that makes sense to me. If you're going to be out, you need to defend yourself against animals.

If you're in that situation, then yeah, that makes sense to me. But that's a little bit different than I think living in, I was at a Starbucks not long ago. And this guy in front of me reaches, he said, maybe Donald wants something. And he reaches for his phone and his shirt goes up in the back and we see that he has a gun tucked into the back of his pants. So he's the king of Starbucks. If anybody makes a false move or whatever, he could be the good guy, you know, who takes care of the bad guys.

Just that whole thing. I sometimes think it would be okay if everybody had like a, you know, like a very dainty 19th century derringer that was a one shot, you know, like, do you know what I mean? It's on a garter on your leg. Yeah, it's like, you wear it on a leg garter and, but you have to, it takes like 30 minutes to reload it. But that puts us all like that I could handle. Yeah.

You know, that I think I can handle. I don't like it. There's a really great, great TV show. It's a Korean TV show called kingdom and it's a zombie show and it takes place like what in the 16th, 17th century and there's one gun in the entire show and it takes like 20 minutes to load. But all these other shows, it's just, you know, everyone has a semi-automatic weapon and they're like blowing the zombies away.

And here it's again, it's just this one gun and it's killed like maybe two zombies on the whole show. So it's not really about it, that's what, that's what makes the show so great. That and the clothing, unbelievable. What's so great about the clothing? Koreans really, I think, have to be the best dressed people in history. Men wore what looked like miniature pilgrim hats made out of mesh. Oh yeah, they're in Pachinko too.

And they, yeah. Yeah. And you, and they tie under the chin, unbelievable. It looks like that clown hat. Yeah, it does. I don't know. I guess maybe they made it out of some kind of reeds or something in the days of yore. And I don't know how they ironed their clothes, but they're just beautiful gowns on the men.

It's nice to go to another country and see that. You know, I remember the first time I went to Italy, I was like 25 and I was backpacking and I got to Rome and I thought, oh, I can't be seen on the streets here. I mean, everybody looked like a million bucks, you know, and I thought, oh, how irresponsible of me. Like I should have looked into this before I came because it brings everybody else down. Yeah. Right.

I mean, my older sister came to Paris for her 50th birthday and I said, this is a place I want to bring you, but you need to bring dress up clothes because I'm going to take you there for your birthday. And then she shows up, you know, with the flannel shirt on and she says, I just want to be comfortable. And I said, well, I can't bring you where I was going to bring you because it's bringing everybody else down. They all dress up.

I mean, they all dress up and it's like, let's make this special. And so everybody has to be in on that. And they're all, everyone in the room is going to be in on it, but you know, I'll just take you somewhere else. I went to the Custer battlefield once with my brother and we were checking out the battlefield and everyone else had driven there in RVs and everybody was wearing leisure wear and giant balloon kind of puffy sneakers. Everybody had giant sippy cups.

And I thought, everyone's just a big baby. Yeah. America is like the casual Friday of countries. Yes. And everyone's, everyone's a big baby and they've all got their giant bottles of sweet group and they're, they're walking around looking at this historic battlefield. And I thought, we've got to know it's, you can, you can slide into oblivion and I could just be a guy that's, yeah, I'm comfortable.

I'm always comfortable. And um, no, like get it together. Well, we're also a really fat country. Yeah. So I think people are just, what's comfortable? But like when I went to Alaska a few weeks ago, I didn't have a coat. You keep bringing up that you went to Alaska. Can I just say something, David?

You are really, you, I think someone in Alaska slipped you a $50 bill and said, just if you could work us in a couple of times. I'm very aggressively every sentence and we'll play it back, but every, you have said when I was in Alaska, I'm sorry. Well, I got COVID in Alaska. Oh, they didn't want you to say that. I got COVID in Alaska. I was the last person to get it.

I thought I was so special because I didn't get it. And then, um, obviously, apparently I got it there. Do you know you got it in Alaska? Yeah. You got the Alaskan COVID. Yep. That's the good COVID. I met somebody a while ago and I said, did you have COVID?

He said, yeah. Original recipe. Oh, that's fantastic. I'm not messing around with these different strains. I got it right, right fresh the first time they made it. Wow. And did you have a bad time with it? With the COVID?

No. I had to take a test to go on TV and it came back positive and I said, really? I was surprised. And then the worst it was was like a minor cold. Right. But yeah, I got it in Alaska. I got it. Okay.

Now, was this for the book tour? You went, who's sending you to Alaska? I mean, I'm, well- No, I went on a lecture tour. I see. Okay. Which is different. I'm in theaters and stuff.

And so I went to Alaska for Alaskan towns, I was going to say cities, for Alaskan towns as part of, at the end of the lecture tour. Now, what I've always heard about Alaska, and now this is all we're talking about, is that the distance between towns is, I mean, you have to like a plane or something to get from town to town. Did you do that? Yeah. But you didn't get in a small plane.

I have no small plane role. Oh, really? No, I was in small planes. I mean, how small? Like where you're sitting with the pilot? Oh, yeah. Yeah. This guy offered to give me a flight seeing tour, right?

And so his plane was the size of a coffin and he said, and this is one of the reasons that I had such a good time in Alaska. He said, what would you like to see? And I said, I'd love to see some bears. And he said, well, they're not really congregating this time of year, but I could take you by my parents' house, you could see that. And so that's what we did. And he called his mom and dad on the phone and they came out and waved.

And so that's what I saw. I saw his parents' house and I saw his parents' house. That's fantastic. Isn't that nice? I can't believe, so you're fine getting into a small plane, I just have no small plane role. Really? I mean, if you were alone in the woods in Alaska and had to get by on your own wits.

I found it's alone in the woods in a lot of places. If I was alone in the woods in Alabama, if I was alone in the woods in Texas, but not Alaska, no. I mean, because you have bears and no, I mean, that's it, bears. I think I picture you walking maybe a couple hundred yards and then sitting under a tree and starting to write. Instead of like, I got to find firewood, I've got to try and send a signal. I picture you sitting down and saying, well, I'm just going to write.

Well, let me think about that. Like in a movie, like that movie where Tom Hanks is on an island like that. That's what I would have, I guess I would have found something to make a pen out of. Or even if you, I wrote in the sand and it got washed away every morning. It's more of a compulsion. One of the planes we took in 60 minutes is doing a story about me. So now whenever I say anything like stupid or fucked up or the other day at Q&A after a show, someone said very earnestly, what advice would you have to a young gay person

who's just coming out and trying to deal with it? And I said, I would find other young gay people and fuck them, and then I just imagined, you know, David Sideris. David Sideris has not publicly appeared since he made that statement and would not return 60 minutes' calls. So they sent somebody to Alaska to follow me around for a few days. So we were on this plane that seats eight people. And then the producer wanted the cameraman to shoot me, like getting on the plane and

to shoot me settling into the plane. And then the woman behind me was like, what's all this about? And I said, I've been accused of murdering my family, I said, but I didn't do it. But to be on a small plane with the murderer. I love your equality of yours that I really admire is your determination to tell insane terrible lies about people just to see what happens. And you do this to your partner Hugh all the time. You'll say things about him that aren't true to other people to just see what they're going

to do. Well, it's just interesting. Like, you know, if someone says, you know, are you in a relationship and I say, oh, yeah, yeah, I have, you know, I have a boyfriend, and I'll say he'll be, he'll be 22, February, which just changes everything, you know, just the way that, or he's cannot hear. He's really big in the right to life movement. So he had a rowdy this weekend, just, you know, like you can see yourself diminished or just someone pulled out their scale and they're reweighing you and you can see it

in their eyes. Right. Right. So you'd like to put out a little something about it. Now, does Hugh get annoyed that you've told people he can't hear? Because eventually they're going to meet him or they're going to see him and they're going to think he really was in prison for six years for kicking a man to death. Well, he was in the audience in Brooklyn the other night and somebody asked a question.

I said that he had died. Right. Jesus. So the audience got really quiet and then I, my voice quavered and then I thought, well, one day, this will be, one day I'll be saying this for real and it really, but he was there in the audience. He's there in the audience and everybody's thinking that he's gone. Yeah.

I mean, I said something about it after a while, but I don't know, like two hours later. But from an audience point of view, right, let's say you're live and you're on stage and we've all come to see you when someone asks about your wife and then you say your wife died a few weeks ago and it's still pretty raw. As an audience member, it really just kind of puts you into a really special place and you feel special because now someone's asking Conan about this and Conan's obviously he's about to start crying and, you know, I don't know, there's something beautiful about that. Oh, you're a sociopath, that's pretty clear.

It's fascinating to see what people do when you say you just lost your life partner. I love that. Yeah. Well, you know, it's funny because you talk a lot about your family. You talk a lot about the people in your life. You do say that you think the word dysfunctional is overused because people probably, you know, people come up to you and say, oh, you've got such a dysfunctional family or come from such a dysfunctional family.

You think, well, no, that's not the case. You think that word has been used too often? It's a kind of a word that a certain kind of person thinks it's a fun word to use. You put the fun back in dysfunctional. Why would you even say that to me? You think I haven't seen that on a mug? You know what I mean? Like, why would you even repeat that?

I don't know. I don't remember if I said this to someone, if I wrote it somewhere. And if I said, my father hoarding food is not dysfunctional. Some hoarding food inside my sister's vagina is. Oh. Incredible. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. She would end up your sister's vagina. I was quite certain that would happen.

You can't go under the table. So deploying has literally started to climb under the table and she's wearing a headset. I know. I couldn't go anywhere. But I mean I've come to believe that every family is quietly insane, or in some way. And well, one of the things I've noticed, because I'm a crime, true crime buff, and you'll watch any show, 2020, any of those shows. they'll always say, it was, they'll start off saying

it was the perfect American family. And you think, well, that's bullshit. But then they'll start to say, they had it all. And then they'll say, they lived in a small shack over by the road, and you'll think, and they'll show the house and it's not that great, but they all have, always have to stick to the same template, which is it was the perfect family

and everything was fine. And they had everything they needed. They had achieved the American dream until everything took a turn for the worse. Or they were the greatest, he was the greatest father ever. Or was he? But they always show you the same thing. They show you right away,

you can see a dysfunctional family. You know, he was the all-American dream. He worked part-time at a gas station and he stole moose meat and sold it on the highway. And he was on his seventh wife. Everything was perfect. Or was it? You're like, no, no, no.

You've, you've. Well, plus, when people say, oh, I, you know, your family's so dysfunctional. It's like, well, I just, you know, we all just went on a vacation together, you know? And we all, you know, I heard from all of them this past week, and we're all in our 50s and 60s now. So how is that dysfunctional?

And also, clearly you all love each other. Well, I have a sister I'm not talking to now. It's not Amy, but I have a sister I'm not talking to. And it hurts, really hurts not to talk to her. And it's not going to last forever. Do you want to say why you're not talking or you want to keep that to yourself? I'll keep it to myself.

Okay. Could you write it down? I'm just like. I guess it's like being on a boat, right? So let's say your family is all on a rubber raft, right? And then when somebody dies, then the balance is thrown off the boat, you know, and you have to worry that the whole boat can overturn.

So my dad died recently. And so there was just something about, I think that the connection that we had, my brother and sisters and I, when my father was alive, is that we were all his children. I mean, and so we all knew what it was like to have this person as an overlord sort of. And then when he's gone, it just changes the balance.

And it can be a lot of families fall apart when a parent or parents die. Like when my mother died, every day I would wake up and I would think, how do I get through this? How do I make it to the end of this day? And with my father, there wasn't that to worry about. Like I don't, I didn't care that much that my father was dead.

So there wasn't that, but still it was an event. And there are ripples and there are, there's, you know, it's a mess. I know right now, my life is still organized around, my parents are still with us. So they're still organized around, that's my dad, that's my mom, and then I've got my, there's six of us. And we all work off that position.

Those are like the stars that we are working off of. And so yes, if suddenly someone's not there, it changes everything profoundly. Well, it was weird. Somebody said after my father died, they said, you're the patriarch now. And I had to look that up. And I guess patriarchy just means the oldest male.

Right. So I guess technically I am, but it makes it sound like a leadership position. Well, also when people talk now about, we've got to take down the patriarchy, they are talking about you now. Yeah. Yeah.

It's true. Like, you know, whatever, when there's a BLM movement or any kind of big movement right now for justice and addressing this sordid old order, I've heard many people say, we've got to really just, you know, it's enough of the patriarchy. And then they pause and say, David Sideris. Smash the patriarchy, David Sideris.

Calm down, David Sideris. Crush the patriarchy. Yeah. I've heard that at many rallies. I've said it. You've said it many times. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Sort of.

It was like fucking patriarchy. Sick of this. Yeah. And then she took a long pause and she said, esteemed writer. Yes. Of his newest book, Happy Go Lucky, David Sideris. Yeah.

Listed the full credit. It's always said in a very wooden way at the end. Well, it's odd, I mean, it's odd too, that it used to be in the days of your, you know, if he went back a few generations, your parents wouldn't be alive. Your parents are in their 90s. They would have died.

Your father would have died a couple of days after he retired. Your mother would have reached 70 and then she would have died. So it's relatively new that people can be our age and still be children. Right. And still saying, well, you know, I just called dad.

Yeah. And, you know, I'm, you know, first of all, I wouldn't be able, if this was 1635 and I was in Ireland, I'd have been dead for 15 years. I'd have been kicked by a horse, you know, I'd have had a lot of whiskey and then wandered in the barn and been kicked by a horse who killed. And I had relatives that were kicked by horses.

More than one, I think. Seriously. I had a great grandfather that was a blacksmith that was kicked by a horse and died. Yeah. It's not as funny when he dies. It's still funny to me. Because I think he was taunting the horse.

He was like, what are you gonna do? How are you gonna do? Kick me? I don't think you're gonna wanna kick me. I don't think you've got what it takes to kick me. And that made it funny. Don't stand behind a horse and then taunt it for its non-picking abilities.

But yeah, I just, I'm with you 100%. We wouldn't be here. I always think, and you could probably relate to this, the set of skills I have, if you can even call it that, had no use until about 25 years ago when mass media was invented, or 35, 40. Up until then, all the skills that I have to offer for 99.999% of these whole breadth

of the human experience on earth, starting about 225,000 years ago, or whatever it is, nothing I do is of use. Nothing. And I always picture, you know, okay, it's 300 years ago and we're in Ireland and people are trying to move some stones around to build a wall.

And I'm like, do-do-do-do, and a biddly-dee. Hey, I just thought of a weird thing that sort of associates odd thoughts that I've put together in my head that I'd like to kind of perform for you right now. And they're like, shut up. You fucking ass. They would just beat me to death immediately.

Well, I've sent like, I don't know, I probably sent like eight text messages in my life, right? So when I have to do something like that, it takes me a long time. But when you see people like furiously doing stuff with their thumbs, and you think, if you took that back, if you, that's, like this really new, is to be gifted with your thumbs, you know,

that was never called for. There was never a time when you would think that that would be a part of your body, that you would be using that often. You know, I mean, the two thumbs together and to type. You're taking us the other way now. You're writing thank you notes. I see you've got a little notebook and a pen.

I mean, I admire that because I like to have a pen. I'm not comfortable sending off electronic messages. I like paper and pen. I like most of the medicines that were invented in the 18th century. I insisted on a COVID shot that was, you know, really, really old school. And I was told it wouldn't work.

And it didn't, it didn't work. It was just COVID. It was just a big bag of COVID. I woke up in the middle of the night and I emailed myself something because the iPad was next to the bed and it was easier than getting up in the other room. And I had to turn the lights on to write it down

on my notebook. And so I just, but that's pretty rare for me to do that. And I just woke up in the middle of the night and I didn't want to forget it. You know, I want to make sure it because I know we've been going for a while now. And I should wrap this up because you've got, you've got to get back to Alaska.

I met a woman in Alaska. I met a Jewish woman in Alaska. And she told me that Alaska Jews refer to themselves as the frozen chosen. I want to go with you to Alaska. I think I'd be a, you know, I want to see it through your eyes. They'd be happy to have you.

Yeah. And I'm going to wear a sidearm when I've been to Alaska. Sidepiece. I thought a sidepiece was your, was your mistress. Yeah. I'm my mistress. Your chick on the side. Yeah. I thought what sidepiece, when someone, if someone said to me,

if I'm going outside of my wife, I said, we'll bring your sidepiece. It'll be like, I have to call her first. You know, I see if Joni can make it. But I noticed she didn't say sidearm. She said sidepiece because I said sidepiece. Right. Yeah. So I don't know maybe if she misspoke,

but you're right. That's what it sounds like. The mistress term come from the gun term because a gun is also called a piece, right? Like you're, give me your peace and shield. You're off the force or whatever. Right. Right. I don't know.

I just know that sidepiece to me always meant, you know, I'm sorry. You know, the Goumah, you know. That lady got on the side, you know. Like a chippy. A chippy. Yes. My mother had all these crazy sidepieces.

She didn't have any sidepieces that we know of, but she did, she did say whenever she heard that someone was having an affair, she'd say, well, the way I hear it. Mr. So-and-so down the street is been playing patty fingers. What? With Mrs. Johnson over on the...

The patty fingers? Playing patty fingers. And I used to hear that. My mother would say it. My mother was Margaret Dumont in the Marx Brothers movies. Well, and that's the only reason I'm in comedy is my mother as a child would say things like, well, I just trust that this family's going to

live up to its expectations. And then you had to deflate it. You had to do something. But my mother would say, well, the way I hear it, you know, Mr. Jones has been playing patty fingers. Because, which Mrs. Smith, and I used to picture them getting together in a motel and twiddling their fingers together,

like looking out the window, drawing the curtains, the guy opening a bottle of chablis, and then the two of them getting together going, that's what I thought was happening. Wait, what are patty fingers? I don't know. It was her Worcester Irish 1940s way of saying, there's been some hanky-panky.

No, those two have been playing patty fingers. It's like that term that I always love when they say, well, you know, David Sedaris was seen canoodling in a restaurant. You know, like canoodling? That one, I mean, still manages to stick around, but patty fingers doesn't make any sense to me. Let me know patty fingers for you.

I want to make sure I get the word out. This book is fantastic as all your work is, you have an incredible body of work, David, and I am honored to be your friend. I really am, even though it won't survive this podcast. What? Well, thank you so much. Thank you for having me back.

Of course. I had such a good time the first time. You are a national treasure. You really are. David Sedaris' book is Happy Go Lucky, and I'm just delighted that you came here today. And I was excited. It's one of those ones where I'm like,

I get to talk to David Sedaris today. That's a gift. That's a really nice thing. So I expect a thank you letter. Oh, you'll get one. Yeah, well, how soon? Oh, my God. I'll probably write it tomorrow.

OK, then you'll put it in the mail. Don't, you don't ask. No, you don't ask him. Oh, I want a goddamn thank you letter. Yeah, but you don't. And then I'm selling it on eBay. That's what I do with the last one. That's not right.

That's improper. I got $600 for it. Terrible manners. Yeah, terrible. Ask someone for your thank you. I'm going to try and get a letter to you before you can get one to me asking where my letter is. That's my dream is to get.

I mean, you're moving all the time. It gets you're on tour. So it's going to be hard hitting a moving target. But I'm going to try and get a letter to you. Where's my fucking letter? Do you keep your mail? I keep an L handwritten correspondence I save. I was at my publishers a couple of weeks ago.

And I walked by my publicist's office. And I saw this pile of mail that had spilled onto the floor. And I thought, oh, no. And it was all for me. And it was like 173 letters. And so that's what I did with my quarantine. I answered every single piece of mail. Except three letters.

And you must, when people get angry, they're like, I'm never buying your books again. I'm telling all my friends never to. And then there's no reasoning with those people. But the things that they got angry about, like there was this CBS Sunday morning thing that I wrote about choices and people giving their kids choices now, or you didn't used to have a choice.

Your parents just told you what to do. And when I was 15, my parents didn't say, do you want to work or not? They said, guess what? You start work tomorrow. And the only choice I got was regular hospital or psychiatric hospital. I went with psychiatric hospital.

And on my first day, and I'm sure it's different now, but back then, 1971, you just fill in for people. You're all over the place. So I went with an orderly to collect this woman. And she was strapped to a bed. And she was 80 years old. And she was completely naked. And that was the first vagina that I saw

was on this 80-year-old woman. And so I didn't put it in the CBS essay, but I was on stage and I just said, gay people are born gay. I don't have any doubt about that. But if you want to kind of nudge someone in that direction, you might want to make sure that the first vagina he sees is on an 80-year-old woman.

And then it has 17 white hairs on it. So this woman writes. I think I just switched over. This woman writes. Well, we're all gay now. Yeah. And she said, I was at your ages, sexist show in Berkeley. And how about this?

How do you like this? Right? Oh, I believe gay people are born gay. But if you want to switch somebody, make sure the first penis they see is shriveled up on a hairy 80-year-old man. And it's like, yeah, I don't have a problem with that. Yes, it's not a problem.

You can change it to 60-year-old man. I still don't have a problem with that. I think we should end on that note. Sorry, it's your own fault. David, thank you so much for coming in. Please keep writing books and please keep coming back here, because it's just a joy.

Thank you so much for having me back, Conan. I appreciate it. We haven't reviewed the reviewers in a while. Do you want to review the reviewers? Let's try it again. She was, I don't know what her problem was. I was trying to keep it from falling. No, you weren't.

Don't touch it. Don't touch it. I'm not sure it doesn't fall. Don't touch it. Here we go. It's okay now. Okay. You're a crazy person.

All this is going in. You're such an unhealthy person. I'm a rabbit. Oh my God, you have to keep that. I'm a rabbit in, so people know. No, people need to know. They need to know. They need to know that I'm a rabbit.

Now you're doing something else. Look at this. Look at what he's doing. Oh my God. Look at what he's doing. I'm just a guy. Hands. I'm just a guy.

I'm just a guy. No, you're not. I'm just a guy. No guy says I'm just a guy. Oh man. I'm just a guy. You're a rabbit. Oh my God.

This is like, I'm fine in class. I'm a rabbit. The teacher doesn't see it, and I see it. I'm like, hey teacher, look what he's doing. Okay, what you got there Bingo? All right, Bingo, we're gonna do, we're gonna do. Are you okay? Let's try again.

Three, two, chop. We're going to do review the reviewers. Okay. Okay, this is where I pull out some reviews from the Apple Podcast review section, and we discuss them and we discuss their merits. I think it is good to hear how the people feel about what we're doing in here.

Are you drawing breasts? No, I was drawing eyes, but you go ahead. Thought it was a butt. No, this is a. Oh, that's a nice guy. We are so, I have to say this, I've never known us to be more easily distracted. Everyone's just like, whenever we start to do something,

let's review the reviewers, and then soon as like, did I just taste tic-tac? You know, and you're like, what? Literally, as you said that, a fiber was floating through the air, and it just started falling. Okay, let's start again. We're gonna focus.

Okay. All right. All right. That's all going in. You're doing it. You're doing it though. You know you're doing it. Oh.

I love that you do these things silently to her, and do forget that this is all on video now. But also, none of these things mean anything. No, people later on are gonna say like, yeah. All right, let's go. Okay, let's do some review the reviewer. I love it. I love to hear what the people have to think.

The way you say it, like you didn't just say it, like three minutes ago. All this is going in anyway. It doesn't matter. All right. Do you not want to do this? No, I do. Unbelievable.

What? One more time. You're doing, you're doing the phone thing. Okay. You gotta stop. You have to stop. Yeah. Konnichi misogynfus tadon tadon tadon tadon tadon.

Let's do some review the reviewers. Okay. Love it. I love to hear what the people think. Okay, here we go. As they think it. Here we go. Okay, this is from Megan I.K. Wood.

Okay. The title is Bits in the Deliver Room. Five stars. Oh. Long time listener, first time reviewer. I've been catching up on episodes from Sona and Matt coming back from the paternal leaf. As a mother of two, it occurred to me

that Conan doing bits in the delivery room could be a benefit working at Team Cocoa or another source of revenue to hire Conan out. When I was giving birth to my kids, my husband and I had no time to entertain the hospital staff. I was really bringing them down, bringing down the vibes with the whole grunting and breathing business of labor.

For a small fee, Conan could have delightfully filled this vacuum. I can't think of a worse idea. It's terrible. It's a horrible idea. Sona, as you can attest, when you go to a hospital to give birth to children, the last thing you want is some six foot four red

flame-haired clown doing bits. I have been in that environment twice for the birth of my two children and my bits were going nowhere. I'll tell you right now. No one was interested in my bits except my wife certainly didn't want to hear any of it and no one else was around.

Family, friends didn't want to hear it. We did have a doctor who looked after us when my wife was pregnant with my daughter and I didn't even make an aggressive joke. I thought I was just, you know, I didn't give it any thought and it certainly didn't seem that funny to me but this doctor was talking to me

because my wife really wanted to try and have a natural birth and then he said, okay, but if it's difficult or if you're in too much pain, we could end up or and the baby's not coming, we could give you some pitocin. And I said, what's that? And he said, pitocin is the drug

that really makes the baby come faster. And I said, hey, if my wife's in pain, I want you to serve her up a pitocin omelet. You know, I just sort of like said that and the guy was like, ha, ha, ha, ha, pitocin omelet. And you know when you say something and you don't even love it that much,

I just went, hey, if my wife needs it, let's get her a pitocin omelet. And he went, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Whoo! And then he kept going out in the hall and being like, this guy, this guy, and you know, the worst is when you have a joke that's not that great.

And someone then starts repeating it for everyone. He's like, this guy, and they're like, which guy, that guy, you know, from late night, he said, give her a pitocin omelet. And they were like, eh. I'm like, I didn't say to repeat it. I didn't think it was, I was just killing time. And then every time we saw him

in the months after to be like, uh-oh, here it comes. Hey, I got a shift working on your pitocin omelet. Oh, no. I scored a massive home run with this guy. I don't know why, but I think he had never heard someone make a joke using pitocin, one of the main drugs that he used in his work. Wow. Yeah.

So that was my experience. I promise you that it would be awful, simply awful to have me in a delivery room while a woman is trying to give birth to a baby. Yeah. Pass a human being through the birth canal and I'm there doing the string dance and going. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah, blah. I imagine if he was there for your delivery. No, you know, did I tell a story about when he visited my dad in the ICU? Did you? I don't think so. I can't remember if I did. I don't think so. But it isn't about your bits.

It was about you being Conan O'Brien and you visited my dad in the ICU when he was getting heart surgery. And they all abandoned their patients and they were like, Conan O'Brien is here. And then they started taking photos with him. And it was kind of crazy because I swear to God,

I heard people flatlining in other rooms. Like, oh, Jesus. And they, I've never seen. They just rushed out, abandoned everything. People with like gloves cleaning people. Oh my God, a guy came in to take a selfie with me and he's like holding a human heart that he was supposed to put into a chest cavity.

And I'm like, shouldn't you? And he's like, they don't go brain dead for two minutes. Get in here. Get in here. Let's get a shot. Let's get a shot of three of us. I remember visiting your dad in the hospital. Which was very nice of you to do.

Oh, he went for the audience. I mean, let's be honest. Trust me, I probably did. And I was killing, I was killing with her family, with everyone except your. You were killing her dad. Your uncle who said I could lose 10 pounds. I'll never forget that.

But anyway. Years ago, still brings it up. On a weekly basis. Who says that? I'm there visiting your father, bringing joy, bringing life when a man is facing his mortality. And this guy's like, you could lose 10 pounds. Incredible. Incredible.

Trust me, I've been, had a needing disorder ever since. But it didn't bother you that much. Anyway. It affected you that much. That's different. So I say, I shouldn't be, I should not be in a maternity ward.

I should not be anywhere where someone's giving birth. That's a mistake. But bring me in before someone's gonna have a surgery. That is something I've had some experience with. I do very well with that audience. You're like a Patch Adams. I'm kind of a Patch Adams. Yeah, I'm a Patch Adams.

Yeah. I've got a little rubber nose. I keep it in my lab coat and I put it on. No, I think that that is the environment for me. Because I think what happens is your dad might have been worried, oh my God, what if I don't make it through this? And then he talked to me for 10 minutes and thought,

there are upsides. There are upsides to leaving this earth. I don't have to hear this really white guy hammer on. No, but it was really nice. Because after he left, he became the guy in the hospital who knew Conan O'Brien. He got the special surgery. He got street cred.

He got the special heart surgery. Everyone else gets the shitty one. Yeah. They're like, you know what, we're gonna do your heart surgery correctly. As our special bonus treat. Yeah. All right, well, we know where my place is then.

Yeah. So to the listener, that's a bad idea. Terrible idea. No, you've got the right idea, which is me in a hospital, but not during a birthing situation. I should be there pre-op, not post-op, pre-op. Okay. Good and decided.

Yeah. Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorely. Produced by me, Matt Gorely. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes.

Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Will Bekton. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts,

and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821, and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher,

or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Year Wolf.