Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - David Spade

Episode Date: February 8, 2021

Actor and comedian David Spade feels sort of excited about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. David sits down with Conan to talk about learning the ropes while working at Saturday Night Live, texting with Norm Macdonald, and memories of his father. Plus, Conan and Sona go head-to-head with a Big Dick History pop quiz. Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.

Hi, my name is David Spade, and I feel sort of excited about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. I believe we're gonna have a very good show today. I'm in a good mood. I'm feeling good about things. Sona, you say sometimes when I'm in a bad mood, if I come into the office, you said you came in hot. Yeah. I'm joking around with sort of a rougher edge. Today, I think I'm in a pretty good mood. Yeah, when you're in a good mood, I've noticed you kick people a lot. Like, when Matt O'Brien, your head writer, comes in and you're in a good mood, you try to kick him through his driver's side window. Okay.

Which is so screwed up. It's so screwed up. So, I'll tell you, this is, you know, these are COVID times and we have to be careful. And so, we are shooting our show over at Largo Theater on La Cienica. And Matt, who is like a younger brother to me, and we just want to make, yes, coincidence. He has the same last name, but we are not related. A very talented head writer, very talented guy, and I've known him for years and we work closely together. And I swear to God, as you know, Matt and I wrestle sometimes and it gets a little, we throw stuff at each other. It can get a little, it's a little rough and tumble, wouldn't you say, Sona? I would say it's very unprofessional too, honestly.

Yes, I guess that's another way to look at it, unprofessional. So, the other day, Matt pulls up in his car and he had sort of, he's wearing his mask and he had lectured me about how we have to be on our best behavior, because, you know, of COVID and he always likes to lecture me about that. And for some reason, he put his window down to talk to me. And so, I'm standing there in the parking lot outside the Largo Theater and I started, I have very long legs. I started trying to kick him through his driver's side window. And he was like, saying through his mask, now, here's what's crazy. I'm wearing a mask.

He's wearing a mask. I am six feet away because I've got really long legs and I'm trying to karate kick him through his open window, which is hard to do. And he's saying through this mask, this is insane behavior. People can see you and I'm saying, I don't care. I have to right now. I just have to, and I wasn't even, I love Matt O'Brien. I'm not mad at him. No, no.

I had to, it's like whack-a-mole. I saw his head. I saw his head through an open window and I had to try and kick him. And then you talk about it on a podcast with a million listeners. Yeah, yes. But what I'm trying to say is that's my way of showing affection. That is a classically, you know, repressed Irish Catholic's way of telling another man, I have affection for you and I admire you, is to somehow try and injure them.

That is really how I behave. There's no higher compliment than to be physically attacked by me. Well, that's also how we know you're in a good mood. You know what's crazy? That would be the way that most people would know you were in a bad mood. Yeah, it's the opposite of affection. I know, I know. Well, who can say what affection really means? I can in the rest of the world.

It's the opposite of affection. Does affection, who can say is affection? Everyone. Hugging and kissing and making someone feel good. Making someone feel better or attacking them violently and causing them pain. Everyone has their own definition of what affection is. You and Michael Myers, yeah. You and sociopath.

No, no, no. I don't think a day went by when I was a kid when I wasn't being manhandled by one of my brothers or was manhandling someone else in my family. We were always just manhandling each other. That's how we communicated. Okay, that's healthy. You mean, as you're being sarcastic, you're saying you think it's unhealthy? Yeah, I think it's unhealthy to hit people and be like, it's how...

That's what my parents used to say to me about when my brother used to hit me. They'd be like, that's how he shows you he loves you. And I'm like, why can't you just hug people? Boring. Oh, come on. Because everyone does hug. I don't want to hug. That's not how I show love.

Do you hit your children? I try. I chase them. They're faster than me. And they're, I think, both now stronger than me. And does it work the opposite? So if you hug and kiss them when you hate them, like Godfather Defredo, it's just the kiss of death. Yes.

Matt, every time I see you... Yeah, big, wet one. I give you a big, wet kiss on the cheek and I say, gorely, I know it was you. And then I say, you broke my heart. And you keep asking me to go fishing with a held neary. Don't do it, Matt. You know what I love is that on the Godfather part two, and if this is a spoiler for you, then your life is sad because you should know this.

But I love that it's like Fredo is going to take Michael's son out on the boat, you know, and he's going to go fishing. And they're like, yeah, just one more thing. This famous hit man is going to sit behind you in the boat. Oh, OK. Yeah, is it OK? He's just going to sit behind you in the boat. That's fine.

And the kid's not coming this time. Guess what? The kid can't make it. But the hit man's still going to go with you and sit behind you. All right then. That's OK. I'm very suspicious. I'm always very suspicious when I, if I want to go fishing or on a ride and someone says,

can this famous killer sit behind you on the way? You know, that's when I ask questions. That's just me. All right. Well, very excited about our guest today. I'm going to call him a gentleman. Call him a gentleman. I've known him for so many years.

Of course, he's a hilarious actor, comedian, who was, of course, a cast member on Saturday Night Live. And we actually worked together on that show back in the day, back in the early 1920s. He starred in such movies as Tommy Boyd, Joe Dirt and Grown Ups. He now hosts the new Netflix talk show, The Netflix After Party. And I really am excited. Great spade, welcome. We've known each other 65 years, I think.

We've been friends a long time. We met at SNL, probably. Oh, wow. You've given us a lot of thought. I think. Do you not even remember? I remember exactly when I met you. Oh, you do, really?

Yeah. And clearly it had a huge impact on you as well. I was a writer on Saturday Night Live. And you were? It's Conan. Conan. And I, this didn't happen often, but Lorne invited me along to check out cast auditions at a comedy club.

I saw a bunch of people audition that night. And then Rob Schneider auditioned that night. And I think he did well. And then you got up and you were doing fine. But then at the end, you just threw in an impression of Michael J. Fox. It's one of the better celebrity impressions I've seen. It was just completely spot on. And no one did a Michael J. Fox.

And you did it. And I think that clinched it for you. And then afterwards, Lorne was like, I liked Schneider and I like Spade. Yeah. Michael J. Fox guy. Yeah, Michael J. Fox guy, which he called you. He called you Michael J. Fox guy for the next seven years. No shit.

You know, that's funny because the impression definitely saved me because I'm not really an SNL type guy. I'm not really like a man of a million voices and characters. And I don't sing and I don't play guitar and all that shit that would really help on that show. I didn't even know back then, but that would really help. So SNL was never in my sights. I wanted to ultimately work up to being a headliner comic.

That was really it. And Dennis had warned me, Dennis Miller, this is great advice for you. And he goes, Spudley. I go, there's not that many people. He goes, Spudley, you don't want to kill too hard. That's a red flag. I go, so don't do good. He's like, nah, it's a warning sign that you're a fucking road hack.

And I go, so they're like, bringing up next. I go, so I do do good or I don't do good. I think he was screwing with you, frankly. I don't need Spudley coming into my action here and doing just fine. Knipping at my heels. I remember you showing hanging out for the first time and I got the impression that like Schneider, he got really tight with the head writer Jim Downey right away. And he was getting stuff on and he was always, you'd like knock on Jim Downey's door and

none of us could get in there to see him and you'd open it up and somehow Schneider was in there. And he was working Downey and getting stuff on the air. And I remember I'd be working on something with Smigel or Greg Daniels or Odin Kirk. And I'd be working, coming up with an idea or working on my own thing. And you'd always come by late at night at like three in the morning and you were real kind of nervous and you were like, what, what's, how's it going guys? Anybody got, what are you working on?

Anybody want to put my name on their sketch? Because I don't have Jack shit. But you know what else? And this is something that I like to remind myself is the person who also seemed equally unsure and equally nervous was Chris Rock. And people refuse to believe that because Chris is such a confident, you know, superstar comic that if you tell them that he used to like peek in and go, hey, anybody got anything? What do you think?

I don't know. What do you think? I got nothing. 100%. And you, and you, and I tell people that and they don't recognize that Chris Rock. They think he could never have been that person. But that's what they see like the Panther pacing in his act and killing and doing his specials and right confidence.

Yeah. Well, just to bore the fucking shit out of everyone. Let's get this out later. Obviously, I don't know if we started yet. Oh, no, no. None of this will be. None of this will be in. In fact, I doubt you'll get in at all.

Is this my audition episode? This is your audition for the podcast. But this won't ever, this will never make it. That's okay. This is practice stories. So Chris, we came on at the end of a season, which is sort of weird. We did four shows and then me and Rob. And then Dennis is like, you didn't get anything on.

That's not, that's a bad sign. I'm like, how can I get anything on? Everyone's great here. I've said this before, but fucking you were there writing and Odin Kerr. And you know what? I never, I never almost ever mentioned Greg Daniels. And I forget what a huge monster writer. Yep.

And he was there too, just to make it that much harder. Cause in Jack Hand, he's a genius. I mean, it's to me, I think to everybody, but to me, I was always astounded reading his stuff going, he thinks so far out of what I even think. I'm like, what am I doing here? This fucking, how am I, I just have, you know, when you get there, you have a wooden desk and a yellow pad and a pen and like Jim Henry or, you know, Ken Among or Downey even goes, Hey, here you go.

You share this with that guy's name is Schneider. Go see it read through. And then they all leave and no one's even at work cause it's the middle of the day. So no one's there. And then people start trickling in and just go in their offices and close the door. And I go, am I supposed to write it? What the fuck's going on? I don't know how to write a sketch.

So there's no learning annex. There's no coaching. I've said before you were very helpful. You, I think are just a normal, nice guy down deep and down deep. Down deep. Yeah. How down deep, Sona. How down deep you have never been found.

I haven't gotten there yet. Right past the magma level. I think, I think Bob Odenkirk is very sweet. I still do. And you're put in a cage. I glad eater. So I don't, I'm not even saying everyone is a gruff exterior. Everyone's just there to try to get their stuff on and do well in a very tough environment.

So it's tough world. So Chris Rock, you brought him up. He's a quiet sort of a sweet guy that when he's just talking, he's very nice. And that's why we sort of gravitated together because he could tell I was scared. And I didn't have any like tough street smarts. I've never even been really to New York. I was from Arizona and never really been back East. I didn't know about accents.

I didn't know Sanders doing like New Hampshire, the valent court boards. I didn't know what that was. I didn't know. I go, they have a different act. I people here sound weird, but there's different ones. And so I'm learning every day different things. But the fact that I hung in there by a thread because you guys, when I go in to see you and Bob and maybe Greg and you would put the pad down for a second is to say,

what you want to do is try not to have too many sets in it or try just some basics. But what was the thing that I'm trying to remember? The first thing you did where you felt like, wait a minute. Yeah, that this, because everyone's got their sketch or their bit that they did that where they felt things turn like they felt, okay, I could make it here. What was that for you? So I write one about life alert. Old lady keeps calling life alert just to talk to people, talk to the paramedics.

And she's running out of ideas like, my hands in the toaster and it's on dark. Hurry. And so, but it got enough where a shoemaker put it early and then it did well. And it was, I went into the board after and it was moved. So that meant they thought about it and they pull ones they liked from all the sketches. You want to try it here? You like this? Here, here.

Spades update. And then Franken. No. No. No. No. It's horrible. So I almost got on.

And then after that, it was real dry gold for a while. So the question you're saying is the following year, I was having trouble. And Lauren told Brad Gray and Mark Irvitz, our managers, I don't know if it's clicking. So I was just trying and trying and I think I got one receptionist where I was receptionist. Yeah, there you go. And then I think Lauren said, maybe write another one of those. And once he says that, you're in. Yeah.

Then it was Hollywood Minute. And then Lauren really said, maybe one this week. I go, we just did one last week. You don't want to. Yeah. So you were going after people in Hollywood Minute and it could be vicious. Usually they have to have some sort of misstep to get on the list to make fun of. I'm not really going after them out of the blue.

When I got it when I left, I think they made fun of me in SNL like three weeks later. I was like, fuck, let me get out of the building. And then I think Family Guy did a joke and then Simpsons did one. I was like, oh, like it's all in good fun, but I hate it. So I was on the other side of it going, oh, this does suck because I do. I do one of my Jim Carrey ones, but it was too soon because I love Jim Carrey too. That was the worst part. So what happened?

Did you hear from him? No, it was more that just the audience wasn't buying it. They loved him too much. Oh, I see. So they weren't having it. Right. But the ones I run into, I'm her one time on 8H Lingo. I was right there by the page desk before you walk in.

Remember, there was no security there. I'm sure there is now, but you can just run out and tackle Paul McCartney if you want to. There was no, I shouldn't put this out there. I know there's security there now. So only if you have a time machine can you use this to your advantage. But I swear to God in the 80s and all the time I was doing late night, random people. And this is a true story. I remember once Tom Hanks was on the show and I'm in a tiny dressing room talking to him

before the show. And I noticed there's a guy in the corner who I just assume is like Tom's manager or something. And then I noticed the guy has like cut that weird kind of sunburn people only get when they're on the street all the time. And I sort of started to talk. Tom was talking to someone else and I started to say to the guys, so how long have you known Tom? And he's like, I don't really know Tom.

And he's in a small room with Tom Hanks. And I lured him. I was like, hey, do you want to walk with me for a second? And he goes like, okay, yeah. And he came with me. He was a random guy who had taken a tour, just peeled off of the tour, was walking around, saw Tom Hanks in a dressing room talking to somebody and went in and was hanging out. He could have been a murderer.

I was horrified. He's like, I have to get back to stab Tom. And you're like, well, just a few seconds. I just want to show you where the band sits. Hey, Conan's being really nice to me. Maybe I'll stab him. Maybe I'll stab him. Yeah, I'll stab Conan.

So yeah, there's security there now. But so you're at the page desk and what's happening? I don't want to waste my stabbing on Conan. He's going back and forth. He's not big enough star. And then I started arguing, you know what? I actually am. I have my own lane.

You could stab me and it would be a pretty big deal. No, not really. It's a pretty good story. You're right here. So I go in and just a random one. Cameron Crowe is there. So Cameron Crowe, big director, writer, fast times, all these great things. So I work with recently who read my book who's just out of the blue.

20 years later, I see him. The coolest guy in the world. But I was a fan of his, of course, from his stuff. And he goes, hey, just grabs me. Spade, Cameron Crowe, just want to say hi. You blah, blah, nice, nice. And then I'm thinking, Cameron Crowe, he's married to someone famous. And then he goes, hey, do you know my wife?

And I start to go over and I go, oh no. And it's the woman from Hart. Nancy Wilson. Yes. And she goes, hey, as I'm shaking. Yeah. You said something really shitty about me and my sister. Oh my God.

And I'm like, it's all sinking in. I go, one problem is I love Hart. Again, I'm a psycho. I love Hart, but I just said a joke that was a little rough. And then I said, ah, yeah. When you make a Hollywood minute on it, you got to break some eggs. Or I said something stupid like that. Oh, I'm sure that smoothed everything over.

And she was like laughing. Like, of course, no, she didn't. She didn't like it. And then I went back at a concert maybe 10 years later and I asked to go backstage and see them to apologize again because I went to their concert because I love them. And they were pretty cool about, they were nice about, but I had to go back and just say, God damn, you guys are great. And what the fuck is wrong with me?

But it was just trying to get on the show. I mean, I talked to Schneider about this like, you know, whatever it was, it's a tough place. It's hard to watch. You know, it's just hard to be there. And everyone heard the same stories. I'm sure they're the same fucking now when you're there. And there's 25 cast members, like, unless you're a star,

you're not going to be on the show that week. They're like, hey, you look like Ross Perot cast member. And you go, really? And they go, you know, who else does Matt Damon? Oh, fuck. I do think that sometimes now when I watch Star and Out Live is, I think it'd be tough to be a cast member now because they do this, you know, they do this thing where it's like, hey, let's,

we can choose from any massive celebrity in the world to come in and play a part. I used a hip reference like Ross Perot. And you know why I said that? I think because I'm still psychologically damaged from going, you know, like, I remember I called Smigel once. I go, I never called Smigel on the show. I go, hey, Smigel, there's this guy I saw in the news.

You've never heard him, Ross Perot. He'd be funny to play, right? Yeah. And then on Monday, they go, yeah, Dana's playing. Well, that's why do you want a better version? What? Well, that's, you know, he can, he's doing Bush and Bill's doing Clinton. And he's like, yeah, we're going to figure it out with the latest technology

where we're going to be able to have him do two and you do zero. Fucking shit. It's a rough place. But when you're with you guys and Mike Myers and Chris Rock and Farley and Sandler, I mean, holy fuck. You just looked back and go, if you knew then, I just thought everybody's this good. I'm in over my head.

I'm like powder. I'm too fragile to be here. Like, I'm stressed every day. I'm losing weight. My hair is brown in two weeks. Never in brown in my life. Because I fucking, the sun is sunny for only eight minutes a day if you're right between the buildings.

Like, we got it up over. So, so I'm getting pale and sickly and I'm eating pizza. I didn't have a glass of water for 15 years. I didn't have any vegetables when I was there. Honestly, I just ate Wally Joseph's and Huxley's and fucking garbage. And then Mal Neuerson, I walked out of there going, I got my bell rung and then everything was a little easier. Yeah.

You were very tight with Farley back in the day. You guys were together at SNL and that's where you ended up finding that you had a good chemistry together. And I heard his story once. I don't know if it's true that he actually physically hurt you in a sketch, accidentally. Is that true? Well, one time when he picked me up for one of the motivational speakers,

he had to like spin backwards and we both fell through a table. And it did sort of jar me because I have a bad neck. And he's like, you acted like you hurt, you fucked it all up. I go, I'm his wife. Oh, I go, I fuck it up. It was the very end. They went to a commercial. He goes, hey, you were slow getting up. I go, who gets the fuck it's over.

I was hurt. Ah, fuck you. Wait, he chewed you out because you both fell over backwards and you did get hurt. And he was mad at you for being hurt. That's an abusive relationship. It's so fucking funny. Yeah, it was funny. And he's like, ah, it's because, you know, his dad just yelled at him and then he turned

around and yelled at me. So I went and tried to find an intern to scream at. But I just, I actually, this guy sent me, you know, this is stupid, but on my phone, this guy, you'll laugh at this, maybe a lot of people get these pictures or tattoos, you know, like a me is Joe dirt. You know, they send you a lot of you get a lot of tattoos of stuff, like things you say or photos or whatever. They send me ones of Farley or whatever.

So this guy says we want to, he's got norm of all morons on his hand. Norm McDonald. So I text Norm, I go, I just send it to him. I go, hey, you have fans. And then I put in parentheses fan. All we know is for sure this one guy. And then, of course, like days later, David, hello, it's me, Norm. How are you?

Have you ever texted with Norm? No, I haven't. No. Times a thousand. He just goes, he waits days. Then at three in the morning, hello. I go, Norm, what do you do? Are you answering me from four days ago?

Is that what you're doing? Dave, it's Norm. Do you like money? Yes. Norm, I like money. Why would you like to have more money than all your wildest dreams? Yes, I would. And then an hour later, would you like to walk into a dealership and point to a car

and then just buy it? I go, of course. How? And then three hours later, bet the over in the Blackhawks game in the first quarter. First period or something. I go, oh, OK. Too bad that game was six days ago, you fucking idiot. You know what's funny is that that reminds me, I was just thinking about this the other day.

Norm was on my late night show and always an amazing guest and some of my favorite moments. And I know that Norm is in the makeup room getting made up. And the band's playing. I'm about to go out and start the show. But I go in just to say, hey, to Norm and what I want to do is make sure. I like to get in sync with people a little beforehand. Just make sure that we're both on the same page. Get a good groove going.

So I go in the band's playing and Norm's always screaming like, hey, Norm, good to see you. And he's like, hey, can you back out of the way? I'm trying to see the television set. Can you back up there, Conan? The TV. The TV's on. And so I sort of back out of the way and I realized he's watching some college basketball game. And he's watching it.

It's towards the end of the game and all this. And I go, OK, well, anyway, good. And he goes, can you be quiet? Yeah, quiet. Hold on a sec. And then someone scores a basket and he goes, and the game's over. And he goes like, ah, fuck, fuck, fuck. And I'm like, what, and he went, I just lost, just lost a lot of money.

My whole dirty work. Yeah. Everything I made on dirty work is gone. And I just went, oh, and he went, oh, I'm in a terrible mood. And I went, OK. And then someone with a headset said, Conan, it's time to go on. And I went, I'll see you out there. And he was like, fuck.

30 seconds. Fuck you. You came in and jinxed me. You jinxed me. I'm going to fuck up your show. I'm going to show with the jinx. You're going to jinx my set. I know.

He's so funny. I did his show on Netflix, and it was so funny. It was an hour or something of just random. We both didn't know what was going on. And it was actually, there was a forklift or something drove through the set. I'm like, Norm, I didn't like it because it was so thrown together. It was just, and then he told me we were at a commercial and I thought we were and we weren't.

That's actually a good trick. That's a good trick. That's a great trick. It was a great trick because then he goes, and he goes, yeah. And then he goes, so anyway, what's really going on? And then we start bullshitting about stuff I would never say. Then he goes, and we're back out of the blue. I want to ask you, I don't know if he's still with us or not, but I remembered having, this

was like 15 years ago, I met a restaurant called Shun Lee. It's on the Upper West Side in Manhattan. And you were at a neighboring table with an older gentleman. And I called you over and you joined us and it was your dad. And it was just like this. Oh, it was my dad. It was your dad. And I remembered, you called him something interesting.

You didn't call him dad, Pee Wee or something. Oh, we called him Pee Wee back then. Yeah. He goes by Sammy, but he didn't like that when he was, one time when I was 14, you know, this was the story of he, he took off on us when we were four, six and eight, the boys. Yeah. So when he'd show up once a year and give me a nerf football for Christmas, he would hang for a few minutes.

So one of those few minutes he goes, he goes, you got to go work. What are you fucking laying around? I go, yeah, I'm just a kid. He's like, get a job. You know, tell him you mean he doesn't have a job. But he's like, hey, you got to work out there. And I go, I know about it. He's like, hey, tough life, Davey.

He's giving me like advice. Well, that's not advice. Tough life is an advice. It's tough out there. Anyway, he goes, when I was 14, I'd have to lay cement. When I was in Michigan, I'd put it down there in the big form and go, hey, Pee Wee, you got to get your muscle. You got to push in there.

And then I just push cement around all day. It tells me the whole story. And I go, so what'd you do after that, Pee Wee? And he goes, hey, fuck you. Don't pick that up from the whole story. So that's the one job he ever had. Yeah. And the only thing I cared about was they called him Pee Wee.

And so the rest of his life, we all called him Pee Wee. And he was, you know, it's a weird thing. He did pass away. He passed away last week. So it's definitely. You're kidding. I'm not kidding. Oh my God.

I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. I didn't know that at all. I remembered having this really sort of amazing dinner with you and your dad. And then I, I had no idea that he passed away a week ago. And listen, I'm not, you know, I didn't make some press thing about it, but he passed away.

And, you know, I look back on the fact that he was, I don't remember being dad at the beginning of those four, but then he popped in here and there. And believe me, I got a million jokes out of it. It was, it was sort of, you know, it wasn't a great situation. A lot of kids have it, divorces and things. So I wasn't like the only one bitching about it. But it, we, you know, we had enough to know him the rest of my

life. And then it sort of faded out in the later years. But, you know, it was nice. There's parts that were nice. And I will look back on those funny parts and the fun parts because you said nothing wrong. I mean, this is my dad who I've talked about a million times. Yeah.

But you know, it's weird. First of all, I'm really, I'm sorry that your dad passed. And, and I can't believe that, you know, I always keep a couple of notes on the side of things to talk about. And your dad isn't even anywhere in the notes. He just popped into my head because I had this very strong memory being at Shunley. And I think I was with my producer, Jeff Ross and seeing you

and we're trying not to be your father at another table. And you guys came over and we all sat together and had this really great meal. And I remember you calling your dad Pee Wee and not really knowing, not knowing, I think I was aware, obviously having known you at SNL that you didn't have the most normal relationship with your dad because he hadn't been around. But I remember that being a really great night.

You were really making him laugh. And he seemed to just sort of delighted to be there. I'm sure he was, I mean, evidently, he was really proud of you. So. Yeah. He had a, you know, he had a, he kind of got a great scam going because he, he ran out on us. But my mom, you know, carried all the weight.

So my mom, you know, we treat like queen because she really hung in there three boys. I mean, what a fucking hassle that was. And got us going and, you know, we got older. He sort of came around sort of the timing of where child support would not be a problem anymore. Like I was like 17, 18. So, but then I started to stand up.

We're in the same town. So he started coming to the bars. This is in, this is in Arizona. In Scottsdale. Yeah. And then, and then I got to SNL. And so I'd have him come out there. He got to meet guys like you.

We got to have knob around, which I like my dad around, of course. And then Andy was doing, started Kate Spade. He's got that to sort of brag about with people he meets. He's got me on SNL. So that all is fun for him. And then, you know, we just sort of, I think what happened is I had a daughter and then it just was a different dynamic

to it after that. And I, I didn't love it. I had thought, nah, I don't think I want. And then he was, you know, drank so much that by the end he was, you know, he had, you know, whatever it's called when you get older. You can't remember anything. And so, yeah.

Kind of dementia. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of a dementia and a little bit of wet brain and drinking and all that. So that was hard to watch. And it got toward the end. And then we put him up at Santa Barbara in this nice place

and then I go see him. But listen, it's not, he's not going to be there forever. So I'm glad you had a nice memory with him because there were a lot of really fun, really fun times I had with him. Is your mom still with us? I can't believe I'm asking without knowing. No, no, I'm kidding. Yeah.

My mom's still around. What if you said she, what if you said she died an hour ago? Oh God. I said, oh God. This is just in, Conan. I just had a check. God, I'm sorry. That's dark.

That's really dark. No, my mom is hilarious and great and loves you. And she, she saw you. I hung out with her. Where was that? I hung out with your mom at Adam Sandler's daughter's, Sadie's bar mitzvah. And I'm there and I'm talking to this woman.

And this is, I love. She's like, oh my God, it's Dustin Hoffman. Yeah. And she's really starstruck and I'm trying to remember this because it was really funny. She kept saying, like, I'm going to go up to Dustin Hoffman and I'm going to tell him. And she was like, I love the movie tootsie.

And I went, well, that'd be a nice thing to say to him. I'm coaching your mom. And then she also said, Amadeus. Yes. Was her favorite. Yes. So that was the key thing is she said, I'm going to go. She said, I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. And the key thing is she said, I'm going to go. She said, I'm going to go tell him and I'm talking to her and there's loud music playing. And she said, I'm going to go tell him that I love tootsie. That it's like my fourth favorite movie because my favorite

movie is Amadeus. And I said, I said to your mom, what's her first name? I know. What's her first name? Judy. Yeah. I said, Judy, I have a night. I'm just, I'm not telling you what to do, but in my opinion,

what I think you should do is just go up and tell him how much you love. I was editing her speech. I was saying, just lose the part about how it's your fourth favorite. Just say, I love tootsie. It's just one of my all time favorite movies and skip the part about Amadeus.

And she was like, but Amadeus is my favorite movie. And I went, I heard some of it. And I went, she's, he's not in Amadeus. And she's like, yeah, I know, but it's the best movie. And then I said, just, and I said, trust me, trust me, just say I like tootsie. So then I see her go over and the music's playing. So I can't really hear.

And I see him smile really like, because I think I can sort of lip reading. And she says like tootsie. And I'm seem smiling. But then I see her talking more. And I see her like acting out Amadeus. And I see his face kind of fall a little bit. So predictable.

Slow motion. Amadeus. I go, mom, if it comes up organically, because she goes, Conan says, I go, Conan's in the fucking biz, mom knows. We get compliments and we know, we don't want to hear. You think people come up and go, I love happy Gilmore than Waterboy. And I know you're one of yours is up there.

Tell me your movies. And I'm like, but I go, mom, lead with tootsie. And then stop. Yeah. Exactly. Same advice I gave her. But you and I both know that people will say something really great.

And then they start talking about how you're like one of their 10 favorite comics. And you go, oh, well, that's, that's good. That's great. Then they'll start listing some of the other people. Yes. And you're like, yes, that's a funny one. I hate those people.

No, you know, you get it without being mean. Yeah. I've had it. My two favorite comments are you and blank. And I'm like, shut the fuck up. It's the exact opposite. Like that's my worst favorite comment. I like you.

I like you and kid rock. I think you do. They do say that because we were in Joe dirt. Conan's not a joke. He was unaware. He was on camera. You tricked him into being in that movie. Oh, kid rock.

I sharpen his acting skills, Conan. You walked out of that movie going, that guy can act. I know you did when you saw it. I did. But I get people that say they're not even compliments by things they say to me. They think they are. And they're coming out.

And you know what? I thought would be bad, but was only, it wasn't that bad. Was, um, and I go, whatever you're about to say, just don't say it. I don't want to hear what, which one of my movies you thought would be horrible. They always go, I never liked you. And you know what one almost won me over. I go, I got in the vicinity.

What's your relationship like with Sandler? Do you guys hang out? I mean, obviously you've worked with him a ton. You know, uh, it's like probably like you. It's pretty good. Like I, I, uh, I always had fun work with him. We always joke, you know, I work for him and all that stuff, but overall he's really just a dude that likes anything.

You know, he's a New Hampshire guy that likes his buddies around and likes to bullshit and just do things. And I think, I think I'm known and you're known, but when you get so high like Sandler like that, it's, it, it, it screws my head at a certain degree. But with that ultra fame stuff, it's, and the, and so much money. It's just gotta be. It's, it's a slightly weirder life and luckily it's got Jackie and his kids that are great, that are grounding.

It's such a boring term, but they're all just cool and easy and he's with them so much that I think he's in this bubble of, uh, sort of a good, good people around, you know, and when you have that, it helps you. And it's fun to talk to. He's fun to text with. It's fun to see him. If we do a movie, I've never, obviously, I've never been in a movie. And so I've never worked with him.

I resent it that I haven't, you know, there's, I could easily be a waiter or something in one of his movies, but, um, but no, you know, you guys have your little, you have your little thing and I'm not invited. Uh, my point is. You always come up though. There was like, what about Conan? Everyone's like, uh, and he's like, everyone voted no. I just think people would be like that guy.

It takes you out of it. And he goes, what if he's cross-eyed? Every single one of you votes no, uh, every single time. Yeah. That was, that's probably the right call. But, um, but yeah, he also, he works for a guy who's achieved so much. He's, I was like, towing me like, oh, buddy, I've got like six movies going right now and I got to do this thing.

And then I got to go there, buddy. And sometimes I want to say to him, you don't have to do all this. You could do anything. You could do a little less. I mean, it's good to work, but you, you don't have to, but he's very driven. He's very driven. Sit on your pyramid of gold bricks and your foyer. All right.

You could do that. Jesus Christ, you know. What is that dirty? Well, no, it's just, you know, I mean, come on. The guy is rich. Is he really though? I think he's not, doesn't have that much money. You know what, you're right.

I've never thought about it, Conan. Is he? He's really not that rich. I really. I've seen money in his wallet, but that's the only money I've ever seen. There's no proof that Adam Sandler has really had any financial success in the business. There is a funny thing about his wallet is an old leather wallet. It looks like Costanza.

It's got maybe 200,000. I don't know what's in it, but it can't even fold. And he puts on the table because it doesn't fit in his pocket. So you just look at it and go, God damn, just if I stole this and just ran, I don't even need the credit card. I don't need all that stuff. I'd give that back, but I could just take them. He also has, uh, he'll never dress up.

I think, uh, for one thing, when he was up for an Oscar, I saw him starting, I introduced him at something and he was all dressed up and I couldn't believe. Yeah. He's did stuff. I was an Oscar party. He rolls into his Jets Park. I'm like, Oh boy. I said, do you have to out cool everyone?

Like just, I look like an asshole because I wear a suit. I was like, you're still doing that? I go, yeah. No, you'll be at a funeral and he'll show up and he's wearing like, he's wearing, you know, sort of those long basketball shorts and, uh, and big puppies. He's either just played or he's going on his way to play. I'm wearing my best shorts. I'm so sorry.

Um, yeah. He, he, he is a hard worker though, man. Those movies, he, he puts so much effort into him. He knows what he's doing, man. He's editing one. He's rewriting the next one. He's doing the one we're doing. And I love it.

They're all fun. I mean, he is on the set. Everyone thinks he just screws around, but he, he's in there. It's, it can get serious because you're, you know, you're losing a lot. You're doing this. You're trying to get your shots. You're, it's set up wrong. We're blockings fucked up.

We're trying to get everything done and make it the funniest. And then, you know, it is a real business at some point. Yes. You don't get it. I don't get it. I wish I could explain it to you. It's just come to me too easily, you know, just to, I see your dead eyes. I'm like, and I'm not getting to them about show business.

I really don't think of anything like this. It's just having a lot of goofs and laughs. Hey, you know what, you have a hard out at one. So I don't want to keep you. I don't want to keep you. I have to zoom work. Do you though? Or is that just a thing?

Is that a power play that you have to go? I think it's a power play. It's not a power play. It's just a test that's shown. I'm fun for about 36 minutes. And then after that, it's like going to spikes down. Yeah. We have you clocked at 28 minutes.

And then I'm the Bitcoin of common. Listen, I'm going to let you go. I am sincerely just very sorry to hear about your dad. And, but because I wanted to, you know, and on a down note, which is what I try and do. No, listen, you were a fucking blast to talk to. I don't see you enough. So getting an hour with you is a great time for me.

You know what I want to do? Pandemic. You know what I want to do some time if you're up for it is Dana Carvey and I get together every now and then at a certain sushi restaurant pre pandemic. Oh yeah. And he stole from me. Yes.

And he always said, Spade, turn me on to this place. And I come here with Spade. And I've always thought, why don't I get to come here with Carvey and Spade? Why am I, there's some kind of rule. And I started to get creeped out and think Spade doesn't want to see me. He so he won't tell me.

He goes, oh, no, he doesn't tell me. And then the waiter goes, why are we here with Conan and it's Carvey? I fucking was like, Conan. Well, Brian was in. It was so fun. I go, I don't know. I would have.

And then I go Dana. I go, I don't want to go. I go, don't be an ass. I anybody I used to like and hang out with, of course, we'll fucking crack up. All right. Those dinners are so fun. I went there once with Dana, Dennis and Kevin. And it's so fun just to watch those guys be hilarious.

Love it. Scores there are some times jealous. Does anyone recognize me? Celebrity in the house. I love it. It's still funny. He still says that he's a hilarious guy. Listen, I'm going to let you go, but be well.

And let's, when this craziness is over this pandemic thing, let's, let's get, let's get, let's get a meal. That'd be really nice. Yeah. It's time to go back in time for another edition of big dick history. How is this doing? By the way, this big dick history, we stumbled upon it the way one stumbles upon a large penis in life.

And then suddenly you guys are telling me we have to do it more and we have to do it again, which leads me to believe that there's been some kind of response out there. It's taking over the world. Wow. Big dick history. Well, it's big. I will tell you, I'll tell you this. It combines things that people are fascinated by.

It's history and then penises. It's the only history I'll listen to. I'm going to be honest with you. I mean, I know you are really into like dates and details, but I'm just like, how big was the dick? Yeah. Sorry. Well, if this is something that America wants, then it's our job to give it to them.

That's right. You're welcome. I mean, this can't bite us in the ass. The bigger the dick, the bigger the fall, but who cares? We're going to do something today called big dick history, the quiz. Are you ready? Okay. Just buzz in by yelling your name if you know the answer.

Okay. What historical figures swung and weighing was described by a time magazine journalist in 1927 as a quote, mal-treated strip of buckskin shoelace? Wait a minute. Can I hear the question again? Sure. What historical figures swung and weighing was described by a time magazine journalist in 1927 as a mal-treated strip of buckskin shoelace?

Oh my God. Is it? Rasputin, Napoleon, Prince Albert, or Vladimir Lenin. Oh. I'm going to say Sona. Yes, Sona. Lenin. Incorrect.

I'm going to say Napoleon. Napoleon is correct. God dammit. Yeah. Because they actually claim to have Napoleon's penis. That's right. So the others would not be available for inspection, whereas I think Napoleon's would be. My understanding is it's actually like a booksellers.

Keep in mind, a lot of this research is rumor-based, but for our purposes, who cares? You know, it's not only owned Napoleon's penis by a bookseller. Did you know this? It's used as a bookmark. The shoelace. Yeah, that explains a lot. Yeah. When this guy's reading 50 Shades of Grey and he gets to a, he's tired and he wants to just

turn in for the night, he puts Napoleon's penis into the book and shuts it. Oh my God. After he uses it to floss his teeth. Okay, next question. What did you do? Oh, what did you do on that? Gorley. Gorley, come on.

How can you go too far on big dick history? What is happening? You know what? You can and you just did. Using a dick as floss. I think that's where we draw the line for big dick history. Well, we had to find it. All right, next.

Number two. Actor Gary Cooper was nicknamed the Pennsylvania Pipeline, New York Pork, Old Faithful or the Montana Mule. Pennsylvania Pipeline. That's incorrect. No, it's correct. Don't start this again. You have to lose graciously.

Just try to lose graciously sometimes. Wait, what was the question again? I thought we were asking what's the best way to get oil to Philadelphia? No. Was that the question? It's about Gary Cooper. It's the Pennsylvania Pipeline. It's not.

Oh yeah, the Montana Mule. Yeah. Sona, what's your answer? Go with Montana Mule and you'll win. Come on. I know. I don't want to. Go ahead.

Because if I do, then I know that you didn't. No, go ahead. It's Montana Mule. I'm going to go with Old Faithful actually. It's Montana Mule. So nobody gets the point there. Yeah, but you know what? I get a point for telling Sona what was correct.

No, you don't. Because I knew it was correct and then I told Sona, she refused to take it out of foolish pride and she went down in flames. If you knew it, why did you say the Pennsylvania one first? Because I had a funny joke about how to get to oil to Philadelphia. Okay, question three. That doesn't make any sense. You just got it wrong and then you guessed the second time.

So your chances of getting it right the second time were better. Nope. I always win. Go ahead. That was wrong. So Conan was wrong on that one. Okay. Okay.

Thank you. Conan O'Brien's always right was the original name of this podcast. You're giving Big Dick history a double meaning on this podcast. Okay. Number three. Let that go. Let's edit that out. Athlete, Wilt Chamberlain's big guy was nicknamed the Stilt, Big Dipper, Drillbit,

or the Bazooka. Sona. Sona. I'm going to say. I don't like, can I say something shouting out your name? You're winning and you're still somehow a sore loser. This is incredible. I'm going to guess the Stilt.

That's not correct. Come on. All I have to do is guess. Conan, the remaining choices are Big Dipper, Drillbit, or the Bazooka. We all know it's the Drillbit. Sorry. It's the Big Dipper. Yeah, I know.

You got it wrong, Conan. I'm not sure if you knew that. No, here's the thing. I know the answers to all of these, but by appearing not to know them, I don't come across as someone who's obsessed with penises. I should have known never to do a quiz. All right. Yeah.

Okay. Number four. Most infuriating person to do this with. Yeah. There's no one worse. Conan. Okay. Oh, I thought that was the next question.

Number four. Juan Bactista dos Santos was known for a forked schlong, B, one main schlong with a tiny little schlong coming out of it, kind of like how a xenomorph in the movie Aliens has one of those little things, C, two separate working schlongs or D, the biggest schlong ever on record. I'm going to, Sona. Yeah. I'm going to say a double schlong.

The two separate working schlongs. Yes. Or the one main. Yeah. Two separate working schlongs. That's correct. Conan, I got it right. I just wanted to make sure.

Yeah, I know, but did everyone notice that she has a hard G and she went schlong? Okay. See, that's what you're going to do. Oh my gosh. You're going to have to be pretty like that. Schlong. All right. Schlonga.

And then I'm like, I don't even want to play when I hear schlong. You want to be petty like that. That's fine. That's okay. We're all tied up. I got it right and you got it wrong. We're what? What are we going to?

We're all tied up. Three questions left. Okay. Thank you. We had a very popular, stunningly popular podcast until we took on this. Oh, it's never been bigger. This horrible turn down this awful road. Okay.

Go ahead. He's so mad. He's tied with me. The evidence is scant Adolf Hitler is rumored to have had which two genital abnormalities. Okay. So you have to name both if you can. Uh-huh. And if one person gets only one and the other person gets none, they'll win.

Okay. One, undescended testicle. Two, missing testicle. Three, penile hypospatias, which is the urethra opens on the underside of the penis. Or four, micro penis. Okay. I have the answer to this. And I pick two or pick one.

You pick two. Well, first of all, one ball, missing testicle is soldiers saying songs about it during World War II, probably propaganda. Okay. And then the other would be the micro penis. You got one right. You got the missing testicle. Micro penis is incorrect.

Micro penis is a relative term, I think compared to mine, it would be a micro penis. Okay. So I'm going to guess it's the urethra one, where the urethra is underneath a little bit. That's correct. So you each get a point here. Okay. Okay. There you go.

It's all tied still. It's tied, Conan. This is exciting. It's tied. The big dick history quiz and we're tied. So. Number six. Which classic rock star had his big old yam cast in plaster?

I got it. Okay. Jimi Hendrix. That's correct. Nice. Oh, wow. How do you know that? Because I own it.

I use it as a, it's a popsicle mold. Come on. Yeah. Well, I just distribute them through the neighborhood. No one knows what they're really sucking on, except that it's delicious and cherry. What an awful, awful road we've gone down. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Final question. So, Sony, you can tie it up here or Conan, you can take the victory. All right. I want this. So bad. Number seven. Will Flynn once used his John Thomas to do what?

Swat a fly, play piano, open a door or hail a cab? Me. So. I know this one actually. Play of the piano. That's correct. Oh, was that what you were going to say? Yep.

No, you're going to what? Now you can lie. That's a famous story. Is it? No, that's a famous, that's a well-known story. Yeah. He played a rag, a Baltimore rag. He was left-hand and his penis and apparently he did three shows a night.

Oh, I almost believed it that you know it. True story. He was a session musician. He appears on a lot of classic Bing Crosby songs, but he's uncredited. You can just hear in the background, the piano, which is lovely, lovely playing. Oh, my God. Occasionally you hear a thwap. Come on.

Other than that. All phones are. Yeah. Okay. Then the tiebreaker here is I'm just going to see if you guys can guess the answer to this question without multiple choice. What is Jonah Falcon known for? Having a big penis.

Would you hear to elaborate? Large penis. That's ridiculous. That's the point of this whole quiz, Jonah. I know. That's called me being really good at guessing. I'm going to need more information. You're going to need more than that.

That person had the largest penis. What could he do with it? No. What could he do with it? He made puppets. Penis puppets. Okay. Conan, why don't you give your answer?

Jonah seems to have given hers and we'll see who gets. Can I hear the name again? You're stalling. Because you don't know. Jonah Falcon. Yeah. Who is Jonah Falcon? Don't you?

Are you Googling? He is. I see your face looking down to where your phone is. You're going to be disqualified. Oh, my God. Conan, come on. I'm not Googling. Yes.

What are you looking at your phone for? I'm not Googling. I'm not Googling. I swear to God. Why are you looking at your phone right now? I'm not Googling. What are you looking at? You have four seconds.

Three, two, one. Sona, you get the point. No. That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. I didn't do anything. I can't believe you cheated in big dick history quiz. I mean, that's a new low.

I didn't cheat. Yeah. That's worse than the flossing. No. That's not true. We all know that he's the guy who claimed in 1999 that he had the largest penis in the world. Oh, my God.

At 13.5 inches. That's just something people know. Oh, my God. Really? 13.5 inches. He has the largest penis on record, apparently. Yeah. But you know what they found out later?

And this is a true story that they, on closer examination, he had stapled four penises together. He also claims to be the son of John Holmes. Yeah. Oh. Yeah, but it's the staples that gave it away. You can't do that. Can I just say one thing?

If you're out there and you would like a larger penis, and that's something occasionally people wish for, stapling other penises to your penises is not the way to go, kids. It doesn't work. Trust me. And it's really no substitute for just liking yourself as who you are. The more you know. The more you know. That's my public service announcement.

Congratulations, Sona. Do you have any words? Wait. I don't see it. Wait a minute. First of all. Thank you so much. I have to take all the big dicks in history.

What a shitty way to win, Sona. Congratulations. It's actually because you cheated. That's why I won. Yeah. No, no, no. Congratulations. You won the contest of Bush v. Gore.

Congratulations, President Bush. What a way to win. You wanted to win. It's so bad. You cheated. You needed the Supreme Court, i.e., gorely, to step in and hand it to you, despite the fact that I won overwhelming in the popular votes. Yeah.

You didn't win. You got your answers wrong, and then you Google, now you're attacking my heart geese. That's what happens. I win. No, you don't. Come on. Default. I win.

Can you be a grown-up? You have children. You know what I love? No one gets it more competitive and angrier than Sona. You got it with that, Sona, right? Imagine, oh my God, I am so mad right now. I'm mad and I won, and that's the thing that pisses me off. Oh, you love this.

You are the worst person I've ever met. He's playing piano. He's playing piano. I'm playing piano. Swap. Swap. Swap. Swap.

Swap. Swap. Swap. Swap. Oh my God. He's got two of them. Why can't you say congratulations on your victory, Sona? Sona, to congratulate you on being declared the winner because of a rule and fraction.

Because you cheated. In multiple-choice big dick history is the saddest win. I can imagine, and for me to congratulate you on that, to me, is beyond the pale. I won't do it. You cheated. It's okay. Your victory has been ratified. It's certified. You've won, Sona. Thank you. Thank you. You should feel good about it. And I don't- You're Trump and I'm Biden. That's the way this is. It's not Gore Bush.

But join us next week for Big Bush History. Is this really what the podcast is going to become? Dicks and Bush and you snickering and Sona laughing is that I was trying to elevate the podcast and make it something I was, and try and make it something special. And then you guys come in with your snickering elementary school shenanigans. I won't have it. I won't have it. If you won, you'd be very different right now. And that to me is my price, is seeing how angry you are and how you're attacking my hard Gs because you're so mad you lost at this quiz. And I won, and that's something I'm going to have forever.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Sona Movsesian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Joanna Solotarov, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a

future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.