Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Dax Shepard

Episode Date: December 10, 2018

Actor Dax Shepard feels very optimistic about being Conan O’Brien’s friend. Dax and Conan sit down to talk about manhood, being made fun of, tycoons, shyness in comedy, and making plans to hang out. Plus, Conan finds out where his assistant Sona disappeared to while they were on tour during a game of “True or False.”Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone].For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.This episode is sponsored by Yousician (code: CONAN), MeUndies (www.meundies.com/CONAN), ZipRecruiter (www.ziprecruiter.com/CONAN), Roman (www.getroman.com/CONAN), ButcherBox (www.butcherbox.com code: CONAN), Audible (www.audible.com/CONANOBRIEN or text CONANOBRIEN to 500500), and Campaign Monitor (www.campaignmonitor.com/CONAN).

Hi, my name is Dak Shepard, and I feel very optimistic about being Conan O'Brien's friend. Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brandy shoes, walking blues, band of friends, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, the show where I, Conan O'Brien, speak to celebrities, interesting personalities, all in the hopes of finding myself, possibly, a friend. And I'm talking one that isn't on my payroll, someone that doesn't work for me. Now, I'm aided in my quest by my trusty assistant Sonam of Sessian.

Hi. And my producer, Matt Gorley. Hi. Now today's guest is someone, someone I have a bone to pick with, we'll talk about that later. I do love the guy, Dak Shepard. I know we've had some stutter steps, but I'm not giving up on this. You think it's possible? Absolutely.

There's a little bit of an incident that happened between us that we won't get into right now. We're gonna save that just a little bit, which I think caused us to fail. A misfire. It was a misfire in our attempt to get together and become real friends. And I mean, you, Kristen and myself and my wife, Liza, really getting together is a foursome. Yes, a double day. A proper double day. A proper double day.

Adults, babysitters. Yeah, hold on. Ballet parking. Yeah. Then into the farmer's daughter motel on Fairfax. Exactly. And then we switch it up. We just pop on something exciting.

We'll see what happens. No expectations. It's a little angly ice party scene where there's only four of us and we put keys in. And so it's, if we don't pick our own spouses, nothing exciting has happened. Right. I mean, if we do pick our own spouses. The best. I fell apart there.

Listen, the best part about that scenario is you and I would be on our, you know, respective beds at the farmer's daughter hotel and we would be so excited about the possibilities. And our wives would be so bummed. Yeah. It's true. It's true. They both would be praying that we got our own car keys in that scenario. Yeah.

Isn't that? That's exactly what would happen. Yeah. That's exactly what would happen. It says a lot about us. You and I. I think it does. I think women cringe when we look at them.

But that's not true. You're a real man's man. I'm going to say this about you. Okay. I love this. You're a man's man. It's because I visited your house not long ago when we recorded your podcast where you had an incredibly comfortable chair and I did not, but I guess that's your thing.

Well you had a couch. It wasn't that uncomfortable. It wasn't great. I didn't have you on a... You know what it was? I'm pretty sure there's a fold out iron bed in that. It's one of those kind of... An iron maiden?

Yeah. There's a... It was not a comfortable plush couch. I didn't feel that way. Well, first of all, I apologize and... Do you though? Yeah. Because your chair was... Your chair... Is a lazy boy.

It's incredible. It is an incredible chair. I gave it up one time on one episode because have you interviewed David Harbour? I have not. Do you know who he is from Stranger Things? He's the cop. He arrived and I was like, this guy's a fucking grizzly bear. Look at this man.

He was just such a man that I felt it would have been inappropriate to not give him that lazy boy chair. That's interesting because I came in and said, this is an equal. I'll put him on the couch and I'll keep the preferred chair. That was a good save. I will say that you are the manlier of men because I come to your house and I see, first of all, this like all-terrain vehicle parked in your compound on a trailer, but it is one of those things that looks like in the... It's a Mad Max post-apocalyptic vehicle.

It's an LA evacuation crisis vehicle. Like when the 7.0 hits, my family and I will be in that. It's a Polaris Razor 4-seater turbo. That's what I thought it was. I saw it. I was like, that's a Polaris Razor 4-seater. I knew you were thinking that and I appreciated that you didn't try to embarrass me. I think you knew what it was and you were afraid, he might not know what he even owns,

so I'm not even going to bring it up and I respected that. There's this great documentary, I especially think you as the owner of a boy should watch. He was quite a... I purchased a boy. That's correct. Well, you made... I have a daughter and I have a son. I think that's what you're trying to say. Yes. You have a daughter and a son and there is a documentary called The Mask You Live In.

Have you heard of this? No. Oh my God. It's because you're talking about masculinity and it is all about how we culturally lay the foundation of what a boy or a man is supposed to be and pretty much how cancerous it is for all of us. They lay out four criteria and as we were learning the criteria, I was with Monica and my wife and it became abundantly clear what a cliche I am.

It was like sexual conquest, that defines manhood, fighting, consuming copious amounts of booze or alcohol or drugs and then money, got to make money to be a man. I was like, oh, that's been driving me since eight years old, those four things all day every day. I'm one out of four. That's crazy. No. Yeah.

I don't... You can suck down an eighth of an ounce of kind-kush weed in a single toke. That's what I've been told about you. I'm glad that that's out there about me. Not true. It is not true. Okay. I never dabbled much, never really dabbled at all in drugs, I will say, and the times

I've tried, sweet Mary Jane, I think you guys call it. Yeah, that's what we're calling it. Or wacky cigarettes. But it was Smigel that told you you would really benefit, was he the one who told you? Yes. Robert Smigel... Are you blown away with my memory or no? No.

It was pretty recent that I told you. Okay, okay. The fact that you're bragging about that makes me question your memory, the fact that you're like, huh, remember? It's O'Brien, right? Conan O'Brien, right? Pretty good, huh? I shocked myself, that's why.

Yeah. Yeah, Robert Smigel, brilliant writer and... Insult the comic-doll. Yeah, Triumph the Insult Comic-Dog and blah, blah, blah, and I've known him forever and when we were at Silent Life together, he said, you're the only guy I know who would benefit from smoking because it would calm you down. You're so tightly coiled that it would... If you smoked, the cancer that you would get would still be offset by the relaxation of the cigarette.

Yeah, yeah. But you talk about masculinity. I think I've done a pretty good job with my son in setting, I think in a lot of ways, a low bar. He makes fun of me constantly and I'm very self-deprecating around him. I'm not a big sports guy, meaning I'm not an incredible athlete. I work out a lot, but I'm not a great athlete and so I have not set that expectation. I'm trying very hard.

What about the stuff like don't cry? Oh, I've never told him not to cry. Okay. I've wished privately sometimes. He would stop. There have been times when he would lose it over something that I thought was kind of small and I'd think, gee, my son is in his late 30s and I'd be like, okay, you dropped your donut, but you shouldn't cry.

No, no, my son... No, he doesn't... I've never done that. I've never ashamed him in any way, I don't think. Well, how about this? It starts with a very simple observation, which was definitely true where I grew up, which is we almost define boys in opposition to girls. The worst thing you can be as a boy is to be a girl, is to be feminine. In order of insults on a playground, it is basically you're a sissy, you're a girl. The only thing topping the female thing is then the homophobia.

What's tricky is when you're introducing this concept that to be a girl is bad and it's not boy-like, you inadvertently are basically establishing a hierarchy of one's better than the other. If you're supposed to avoid that... Then we get in these very insular clubs because it's very hard for us to emote and to talk about our feelings because we're told not to do that and then we get old enough where we start drinking and now we say, I love you and that's why we drink so we can tell everybody we love them. Now we're in this little pod and we've been told our whole lives that being a woman or

a girl is bad, so weirdly we feel superior to them. I think it's all tricky and I found myself going like, oh yeah, I got that software downloaded into me big time. Yeah, but it sounds like you are unpacking it. I'm trying, but some of it is so... I find this when I'm working on a car and I hit my hand and I really draw blood. I'm already frustrated and then the wrench slips and then I cut my hand and I'm ashamed to admit this, but the first word out of my mouth is a homophobic pejorative because it's

like in my reptilian brain. On the playground, that was the worst thing you could be called and you were trying at all times to not be called that and so it's cemented in there and I can't get it out. I know enough not to do that in real life, but in a moment where I got really badly hurt and I'm already frustrated, that word comes out and it's cuckoo because I'm not homophobic. I'm trying to relate to you, but I don't work on cars and the closest I can get to is if I'm watching a PBS documentary on Emily Dickinson. And they leave out the part where she was in love with her gardener out the window.

Exactly, and they skip that part and they say they're going to get to it later, I usually shout out some kind of a slur. Yeah, be it racial, homophobic, something, right? And I worry that my son will see that and feel that I'm less of a man while I'm watching the Emily Dickinson. But it's very hard. You do have that software. I don't think I have that software.

You don't? I don't think I have that. How could you have grown up in Massachusetts or however you guys say it? That's exactly how you say it. How did you know that? As a exceedingly tall redheaded kid and not have been called names, you weren't called those names? No, no.

I was called names. I, you know, got into, you know, scrapes every now and then. Okay. I was, I had my nose broken once, very badly in the north end of Boston. At what age? I was 18. When I was assaulted by a group, I believe they were young Italian men who didn't think an Irish guy should be in there.

I swear to God. It's so ridiculous. It's so ridiculous. Right. It's like an 18th century squabble. Yeah, yeah. It really was like, look, an Irishman has come, you know, into the Italian section. What is this?

Is this 1820? Well, the saddest socio-dynamic. If we're going to use words like that, I'm out. That's not even a word. I just kind of. Yeah. You're a strong guy and you've, you've had a lot of experience fighting. Yes.

Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay. How confident are you that, like right now, if I whipped this podcast headset off and came across the room and started swinging that you'd be able to handle me? I feel good about it. Yeah. Yeah.

What would my, do you think I would be a worthy opponent or, and just be honest, I'm, I don't strike you as a guy. Well, I'll, I'll tell you some things. Yeah. You're, you're strong. Yeah. I know you exercise a lot. I think you're strong.

You're bigger than me. Yeah. I think you outweigh me probably by 30 pounds or so. That's, what do you think? What do you think? Muscle weight. Yeah. You're thin.

You're, whatever you have is muscle, muscle. Well, not all of it. Did you wrestle with your brothers a lot growing up? Not effectively. Okay. I was quickly overwhelmed by my oldest brother, Neil, who was much, much bigger than all of us. And would just sit on me and then laugh as I was underneath him.

Right. Okay. So, you know, much like Tarzan grew up around apes and he could break it, he could swing from trees like that. Yeah. Yeah. So my brother was five years older than me and he fought me every hour of every day. And I think that made me a very good wrestler.

Yeah. Because I was fighting someone much bigger than me and older than me. So I feel like my wrestling skills are really on point. I fought my mother physically. Okay. Okay. Which didn't go well. She also bested me.

Okay. My grandmother, who lived in the house with us. Okay. How did you do against her? She also won. Which did she employ to walk her? She was in her nineties. Okay.

All right. All right. But she, no, she used just brute strength. So I think you're probably... She also had a mouth like a sailor too, right? Oh my God. She had the psychological game. Don't get me started on that one.

You know, my grandmother lived in the house with us when we were growing up and she had grown up. Had lived a very long time and she had grown up in Massachusetts during the early 20th century. I mean, I think she was like 22 years old when the Titanic sank. Oh, really? And so she, on St. Patrick's Day, she pulled me aside and she told me, now you're going to go to school today and all the Protestant kids are going to tease you.

And I was like, this is 1975. And, you know, I'm going to this racially mixed public school where, you know, kids have afros, there's Korean kids, there's, I mean, it's just no one's thinking about this. Singling out here. And she said, you're going to go to school today and the Protestant kids are going to laugh at you. And they'll laugh at you.

And I'll never forget this. She said, and they're going to try and, they're going to try and rile you. And she said, they're going to put chalk in your milk. And I thought like, oh my God, that's something that happened to her in 1902. Right. Some Protestants put a piece of chalk in her milk and got the best of Maddie Reardon, you know. Yeah.

And I was like, what? And then of course I went to school. They're going to put thermal in your oil lamp. Exactly. And when you light it, your homework tonight is going to smoke up the oil. Yeah. They're going to exchange your whale oil for seal oil. And the light will be dimmer than you expect.

So she, and then I got to school and like people are wearing dashikis and, you know, it's just like, what do you think? But anyway, the point being that this, it didn't happen. It didn't happen to you. It didn't happen. It was not mocked for being Irish. I was mocked for being, I got hand-me-down clothes early in my life and my pants never fit because my legs grew so fast.

So I was constantly tormented. Where's the flood? Hey, where's the flood? Right. Where's the flood? They didn't understand it and then they said, it's complex. Someone had to explain, if there were a flood, you would raise your pants. And I was like, oh, okay, just put chalk in my milk then.

Right, right. Let's just cut to the chase. Put the chalk in my milk. But it makes me think, did you read the first tycoon, the Cornelius Vanderbilt? I've read, I've skipped through it and read pieces of it, but I love it. I love it. I've read all those, what are they, a parishion, what do you say, the class, those tycoons. Yes, yes.

The, I mean, that golden age, yeah, they call it parishioner class, I don't know, at any rate, of all those guys, Carnegie, you know, Rockefeller, Rockefeller. The most fascinating is Cornelius Vanderbilt because he was just a tough son of a bitch. And he grew up just, I think he had like one rowboat when he started. He did. Yeah, he lived on a little island. Yeah. And he grew into this steamship empire, but the most famous fighter of the day, some Irishman

who was like the champion of New York, said some stuff about him in the paper and then they were having the St. Patrick's Day parade and Cornelius was on horseback and that fighter came out into the street and he was pretty drunk and Cornelius got off of his horse and punched out the heavyweight champion and it's documented in the paper. It's not like lore. And yeah, now that's the kind of tycoon I want to read about. Exactly. You don't see Bill Gates knocking out Mike Tyson at the St. Paddy's Day.

Exactly. If, if, if, yeah, Mark Zuckerberg took out, you said, what about my Gregor, my, you say, hey, McGregor, you said, what about Facebook? All right. All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. No, come here.

I'm going to rip your ass publicly. Let's take a break. We're going to take a break. Let's do that. We take breaks on here. Yeah. We take breaks on this one because you know what? This thing's a cash cow.

Okay. Good. Let's make some money. Aren't these cash cows? Oh yeah. Yeah. They are. We'll talk about that.

Yeah, we will. Because I'm, I'm a little worried about that. You've been told it's a cash cow. Yeah. Just why you're sitting here. Put a ton of my own money into this and I'm not seeing anything back. All right. We'll take a break.

Hold on. And now for the segment Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house. Yeah. I hate to bore people with my financial problems, but as you know, I got a beach house, but on a nice beach and then took out a really big mortgage and then took a loan on that mortgage almost immediately. What? Then took a loan on that loan.

So. There's so many bad decisions. Yes. It's three bad decisions. Yeah. In a very quick succession. I'm okay. Everyone's fine.

Kids are going to eat and there's a roof overhead and everything, but I need to get to work. Yeah. You need to make some money. And we must do that now. We're back sitting here with Dax Shepard. You really do think we could be friends? Oh, absolutely. You know, I really do.

I know that this is like kind of a comedic premise. I recognize that. It's a bit of a comedic premise, but it has some grain of truth in it. Yeah. I would like to discuss the real of it. Yeah. If you're open to it. I am.

Maybe you'll have to save this to episode 100 where you have a breakthrough or something. Yeah. But in your mind, when you think about the fact that you haven't accumulated a bunch of friends in show business, my assumption is you think it's their fault. Is that accurate? Nothing's my fault. Well, I mean, it's very human to assume it's the other person doesn't want to be friends with you.

Yeah. Is that your assumption? I mean, sincere. If we're going to do the sincere thing, I have to change my tone of voice. Maybe a different shirt too. We've got a whole wardrobe they ran in for you. Yeah. Right now, something, I need something made of hemp.

Yeah. I would say it's a mostly, I would say it's mostly comedic premise and then there's a grain of truth, but it more comes out of, I actually do not blame other people. I don't. I don't. If we're going to be sincere, I don't blame other people. I know that I have, I spoke with your wife about this. I'm really busy and I have a wife and two kids and I'm really involved with them.

I come from a big family and I do have a set of friends and it's very hard to get together with them. Very hard. It's really hard to make it happen. You and I also live on opposite sides of this city, which shouldn't be a big deal, but it actually is a gigantic deal. Yeah. If you're listening and you don't know about Los Angeles, you.

It takes 90 minutes for me to get to Conan's house at the wrong time of day and it's only 19 miles. Yeah. And that's in a Learjet. I mean, that's incredible. That's an Apache helicopter. You have post-apocalyptic cars that can drive over other cars. I've thought about just going straight over the Santa Monica mountains to your house

in the off-road vehicle and I'm not ruling that out. Could you do it? Well, if that fucking P-21 Cougar could get himself from there over to Griffith Park, I assume I must be able to. Yeah. You could do it in your vehicle. There's these mobile ramps and stuff. Oh, that's a problem.

But there's a couple interesting things to explore, which is one is that just might be you, right? You might not be ultra-social and you might be very satisfied being with your family and using all the time you're not at work for your family. And then that would be fine. But even if you were fine with it, you'd have to relieve yourself of this expectation that people should have a ton of friends. Like you couldn't just peacefully go, oh, you know what, I'm just not that kind of person

because you inherently or innately just kind of feel like, well, what's wrong with me? Why don't I desire that? But I wonder for you, is do you desire it or do you just not desire it? I think two things. I think one, and this is very hard for people to believe, but it is true of a lot of people that get into comedy. A lot of people get into comedy or there's a strain of person that gets into comedy. And I think I fall into this category where there's a bit of a shyness and people don't

believe that I'm shy because I'm very verbal. I really do like people. I like to talk to them, but I am the kind of person who if I'm at home and I'm on the second floor and the doorbell rings, I'm really hoping my wife gets it because I need a little like I need to ramp up to going down and saying hi to someone. And I don't think anyone listening to this would believe that that's true, but I do get a little shy. And also when I'm in a restaurant and I see other celebrities or people I've interviewed,

I got to work up the nerve a little bit to go over there and say hi to them because it's not my natural, I always think people want to be left alone. They don't want to bother them. Yeah, this is very Boston of you. But what's kind of fascinating is I too, I didn't have social anxiety my whole life. I was very social. I love going to bars and stuff. Being famous resulted in me having social anxiety, weirdly enough, because when I would

meet strangers, I would feel, and again, I'm putting this all on myself. They'd probably be just happy to shake my hand and that'd be that. But I feel this obligation to deliver something to them when I meet them. I feel like from the second we start talking, it's on my shoulders to make this a memorable interest in exchange. And quite often if we're at a public place with a bunch of people, I don't, I can't do that 45 times in one night. And I start just thinking, oh, that person left let down like all the guy isn't nearly

as fun or gregarious as he presents himself on Conan's talk show. So I feel like I have, as a result of being, you don't even like that word, but yes, but being famous has definitely increased my level of social anxiety. That's interesting. I don't know. Do you think you had it on the same level before? Yeah. I think I had a little bit of that.

I definitely had that shyness before. I do think to contrast myself with you, I do feel like people might expect me to entertain them a little bit and I do it for everybody, unfailingly. And then Sona, you can weigh in on this, but if the guy comes to change the smoke alarm in the house because I want that person to have a satisfactory entertaining moment with Conan O'Brien and if I'm at a party of 150 people and it's some function where I'm supposed to talk to, I'm supposed to mingle and talk to them. It's some function for the network.

I will get to everybody and I will give them my full, it's been described. You'll give them the platinum package. Everybody gets it. Everybody gets it. And it's not a status thing. I do it. I am running for something. I'm running for some high office and I don't even know what it's for.

Well, I know for me it is, and this is something that I've had to really work at is the notion that someone would walk away and not like me is so painful. My own ego of someone's going to walk away and go, oh, he's an asshole in real life. I find that to be painful, the thought of it. But through having kids, it has helped move me a little bit closer to a healthy place, which is I am generally quite nice if you meet me out at a restaurant. You're a nice guy. If I'm with my kids, I'm not very nice because it's their time, it's no one else's time.

So if we're at the airport and people want to take pictures and stuff with us, I'm not mean, but I'm very direct in that this is their time, and I have had to become comfortable with the notion that, yep, some people on planet Earth are going to leave you and say, that guy's a dick and tell people that I'll never meet that I'm a dick. And I just have to get comfortable with that because my priority is these two little girls. And I got to live with that. And you can't control that. And also, you can give them everything they want, but if it's a better story later on

in a cocktail party that you're a dick, then you're a dick. And so you just talk to the person for 15 minutes to try and convince them that you're a good guy. I'm a good person. And you bought them some stuff from the airport. I'm on trial. You know, in the airport. Carried their bags.

Gift shop and carried their bags. But then they're like, yeah, I met him. I don't know. It seemed like kind of a dick. And that's their story for the rest of their life because frankly. It's a funner story. It's a more fun story. Let's get to this because.

Really quick. When you were on my show, he corrected my English like six or seven times and I just said funner. And as it was coming out of my mouth, I go, he's not going to roll with that and just match my funner. He's going to say more fun, which is correct. I don't. Did I have?

Isn't it crazy how lightning fast these thoughts happen? Well, for me, I said funner and in the moment those two syllables came out of my mouth, I felt insecure. I thought about what you were going to do. All this stuff happened. That's weird because I just instantly felt pity for you. You shit. Let's get to this.

We just got to get it out of the way. Oh, okay. I made an attempt, a good hearted attempt. I came out of my shell. I reached out to you and I said, let's, after you had suggested it, let's really make this double date happen. But hold on. That's insufficient.

Hold on. That's not sufficient. Hold on. Okay. Go ahead. You. I put out there. How about 314?

No, no, no. I'm not letting you proceed, your timeline, you've jumped way too far ahead. Okay. So here's what really happened, which is I've been on your show 350 times. We get along great on your show. We have a great chemistry. Some of my finest chemistry is shared with you and my wife. That is a very specific rapport we have.

And I ran into you in Santa Barbara at a party and we started talking. And there I discovered you love history. And I love history. So we started really talking about history. It was a whole bunch. It was fun. To our wife's total erotic fantasy come true. Yeah.

They were touching themselves as we were discussing Grant's second term. So in that moment, also that you ride bicycles, you ride motorcycles. So that now we discovered, oh, we could be real life friends. Right. I just, I think that's relevant. On the 29th appearance on your talk show, you were like, Hey, let's hang. I don't know. And we talked about maybe getting together and we tried to make it happen a few times.

I discovered you were a real three-dimensional human being that I would be interested in hanging out with. But loves this. I had to surprise you. Absolutely. I meet you on a talk show. Yeah. Yeah.

You have a persona during the talk show. Is it that different from who I am? Will you do a different voice like, I don't know, every two minutes? Oh. Now, if you imagine having someone over for dinner who's going to do a different voice every two minutes. Come on. I don't do a different voice.

Well, let me in. I can entertain you. Yeah. Shane. Yeah. One of those mashed potatoes. Oh, listen. That was my catchphrase for 94.

Are those mashed potatoes? That was my catchphrase in 94 slash 95. What are those? Mashed potatoes? It was a big thing then. Look it up. It was just as it was during Friends first season. Here we go.

I put out how about 314, 315, and a 324. You write back. You're really excited. And you say 315. I love that you're saying your exact sentences, but paraphrasing mine. I don't feel like this is just at all because I have the same, I have the same shit on my phone that I also brought with me. Okay.

Listen, I have this printed out on pieces of paper, which makes me better, okay? So we established that the date would be 315. Now you're a history buff, March 15th, the Ides of March. Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what happened on the Ides of March? It was stabbed by Mark Antony. Right?

It was Brutus. Brutus stabbed him? Brutus stabbed him. Yeah. Brutus stabbed him. Oh, not Mark Antony. I don't think Mark Antony is. Do you like how I'm saying Antony?

Mark Antony was his only friend, right? Yeah. Mark Antony. Well, but Brutus was a friend. March 15th is a famous date. That you should. When? It could go sideways.

Well, not just that. When a man is betrayed. Betrayal, yeah. By someone he thought was his friend. Yeah, okay. The Ides of March. Okay, great. You write me back, and here's what happens.

You better read this shit verbatim, because I have it. I have it right here. I actually was delighted, so, again, I'm not going to interject, because I'm the fucking guest, and I let you talk more when you were on my show, so let me talk for one second. Okay, go ahead. Oh, here we go. Hold on. Listen, listen.

Stow your pistol. Order, order. Please. Stow your pistol. Quiet, Gorley. I've got him on the ropes. Okay, go. And he says I'm doing voices all the time.

But it ain't true, I tell you. It ain't true at all. I'm secure. I need to entertain constantly. You say perfect. I'll start fasting now, 3.15, March 15th, exclamation point, okay? Your friend is telling you to flip the page. That's not my friend.

This is like watching your 90-year-old grandma kick your ass. It's laborious. Then I reach out to you on the 15th and say, hey, is this happening? You get back to me, and the only reason I'm bringing this up is that you're... Here's where I insist you now go verbatim, which I'm now holding the same script as you. Okay, go ahead. Let me do my part.

You read your part. By the way, when I looked this up to find out who was right or who was wrong, and you will soon learn I was wrong, I can admit that. That's all I wanted. I was upset to see that I was wrong, but then I was delighted by our exchange because it really delivered. You're very funny in your exchange. Can I say one thing just beforehand?

The only reason I'm bringing this up and being so such a stickler is that I did your podcast and I said, you canceled day of and you insisted that it was impossible that you would cancel day of. So I went back into the files. As did I. And when I realized that you canceled day of, I had orgasm for the first time in four years. Does it make some dust?

Mostly dust came out. Some lint. Yeah, lint and a Lincoln penny. So my friend Conan inquires whether or not we're on for that night. And here's my response. So when we made these plans and I picked this date, I knew I was shooting a sitcom, but at the time they told me we would shoot live on Fridays in front of an audience. Then I got the schedule last night and learned I will be shooting stuff tonight as well.

For some weird reason, I'm attaching it. I guess because it's very important to me that you know I'm not lying, which in and of itself probably deserve some exploration. At any rate, I'm very bummed that this is the case and I hope we can reschedule. Don't give up on me, dad. Interesting you made me your father. That's right. And I did attach the schedule, which by the way, literally did come out the night before.

So I couldn't have really done a better job because I just found out basically when you found out. I understand. Not to excuse it. I still canceled on you day of. Are you going to read your response or can I read yours? I don't think I have my response. So you say, you say, Dax, I called your line producer and you aren't even in the cast.

He said you never got the role and haven't worked in months. You need help, man. No problem. Let's do it some other time. It's not like I'm terminally ill or anything. Off to the doctor now, Conan. Right. This is a brilliant response.

So then I respond, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So you know how funny I thought it was. Quote, I called your line producer. I'm even quoting you. map. You wrote back, I was told that's a thing. Yeah.

A little self deprecation at the end. Now I look at that as a big victory for both of them. I was a big victory. And you know what? I wasn't upset. I wasn't upset. The only reason we're talking about this now is that you insisted on your podcast that you would never do that.

And I just had to set the record straight. That on the Ides of March, you stabbed me in the back. I did. lead on the steps on the Senate floor but no it is you know it is we're gonna get together and you and I are gonna talk about history and maybe the ladies can't I mean maybe the ladies can't be there if we're gonna talk about history well that's the other most predictable outcome of our night at the Farmer's Daughter Hotel is that you and I probably will just start passionately

rolling around in the in the binding of a grand biography yes you know I got to say that was probably my favorite moment you and I ever had on your show was I was going through what I think I am out of 10 do you recall this you probably don't yes I do and then I'm a six but but but lucky for us men women subconsciously average your personality in your looks and I think that's what they're seeing so I was telling you well my personality is a 10 I looks are a six thank God my wife sees an eight when I walk in the door yeah and then you said to me what am I and I said well your looks are a five

and you came unglued and I'm like well hold on I'm only giving myself six do you remember that that was really fun I don't understand why I was a five I still there's no comedy if I say six there's comedy if I say you were you were lower than I thought your whole thing was that you're being sincere on podcast I am on your show I'm a liar and an instigator in a provocateur right but I challenge all those guys okay what am I we're on the podcast now I think you and I are very comparable I think you're a six I think I'm higher than that okay what do you think you are okay I've got first of all I think if I got a

few things fixed yeah listen to me there's not the post makeover I assessment this is in I have thin unattractive lips okay those plumped out okay I have rat-like eyes I have beady eyes and I have an eye vein that shows up on camera and and I if I could get those things I have killer hair I have I'm a 12 when it comes to well you can't go over 10 okay I'm a tenon hair okay I've got a I work out my body's in pretty good shape it is yeah I'm gonna give myself from my age I'm gonna give myself an eight on that but yeah I got to get right I would go higher I'd say before just talking your physique at 55

you're a nine okay yeah thank you yeah yeah so you're saying my face drags me down shit my face drags me down to a well no I'm not I'm not averaging your body I'm just going with your face and your personality okay what's wrong with the personality it's great it's a 10 your personality is a 10 your looks are five you go to makes you a seven point five I've only got you by point five in my own scenario I don't you don't accept that it's good for you you've got a competitive flair I gotta fix this face we gotta get you I gotta really some fillers it sounds like is what you want you want some fillers in your lips I

want lips filler I have to have the eyes opened up a little bit because when I look from side you have to go to Asia for that that's a procedure that's done I when I look from side to side I look like one of those I look like a rat looking around to see if the room is safe to enter and I want that to go away okay we can fix that yeah and you can see my veins through my skin because of my my pale complex that we're stuck with unless you want to wear an eye patch because they can't make your skin thicker to my knowledge I was thinking of having the eye or moved but then I find out that it supplies most of the blood

to my brain okay then let's not do that although you know what you could do is you could use this great product Latisse that women use to make their eyelashes thicker I think if we got your eyelashes so thick and powerful it could distract from that vein you don't like okay what do you think of that I'll do it okay great I think what we took away from all of this and maybe this is why I don't know you sort of gave away the ending to maybe this whole podcast which is that I may not want a lot of friends I have a couple of friends who are really good friends yeah and I have I have friends that go back 35 years mm-hmm who

I talked to all the time once twice a week yeah I'm really close with those people you're also someone who historically has remained friends with people you've worked with yes I think is a pretty good sign yes oh no I'm a loyal friend I just I don't think I'm looking that's why you've ruined this podcast I try I was hoping to I don't think at the end of the day I I would love to hang with you whenever we can make that happen but I don't think I'm looking for a lot of celebrity friends and I think we have to change the name of the podcast well do they have to be celebrity friends what's the point of having a

regular friend well it's celebrity friend you bring up you bring up a good point this is gonna sound terrible okay but I'm I do very well with the common man I I'm sure that's what that's what the guy who installed your smoke detector told me I ran into him in the hallway he was doing some work here I said hey there common man yeah you I know you're a plight did you take a mule here did you have any problem getting your mule up the driveway all right we got to wrap this up all right you are you're an excellent can you feel how much I like you I keep trying to make this go longer do you feel me trying to make this go

longer because it's more time with you I do and it's pushing me away yeah I'm gonna feel needy yeah it's coming out so very neat okay but loved this thank you so much and also I'm I can't believe this hasn't come up yet you are you have you're killing it in the podcast world so I am absolutely thrilled that you and that you took the time to to come here and do this because this is your this is your Métier I don't know what that word means is that French is it correctly sounds like matinee like the Latin for matinee saying that is something I do in the afternoons okay no this is this is what you do you've you took to it like a

duck to water that hadn't been in water before but then immediately like the water you're all right God bless your good man I love you Conan O'Brien I love you too Dak Shepard and now another segment of Conan O'Brien pays off the mortgage on his beach house hi everyone this is Matt again so there's something slightly unique with this one in that you guys have semi-concrete plans to actually hang out as friends do you think that's actually gonna happen yeah I do for sure I have a lot of shortcomings but I am a and again March 15th excluded I am a man of my

word it did seem like you took great pains to show how stressed you were that I included a document yeah when I that's more than right yeah yeah so I definitely think we will hang out sooner or later he'll move east or I'll move west there's no way we'll end our lives separated like this you'll do it for each other no no but just by some other set of circumstance you've gone deeper than anyone else thus far so thank you for that okay thank you sauna yes it's time to play a little game we call true or false with Sona Obsession y'all set not really okay here we go we were just on tour course Conan

working hard I go out and I do my you know 40 minutes up top then I go out at the end I'm working hard going city to city 18 city tour you're there to help me out to or false you left me on the last leg of the tour you took off to or false true and did you leave me with anyone to help me no you left me alone yes would you like to talk about that at all do you feel bad about it no okay I don't feel bad about it you took off and then it was up to me to carry on by myself and it was tough I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or anything but if I were you I'd feel a lot of guilt first I liked you how you you said

Conan working hard I said to get that out of the beginning of this like you're talking in the third person when I hear you talk about this I just hear you're so valuable that when you leave there's a hole in my life that's a nice way to look at it and you know what you are valuable to me so when you left I thought I hope this is for a good reason where'd you go I went to a wedding who's wedding I went to my friend Anais's wedding my friend Anais and Roger got married Anais in London in London is she a close relative no oh no she's a friend you just went to a friend's wedding I went to a friend's wedding yeah

I did did you think at all maybe I shouldn't go cuz I'm with Conan on this important tour do you want me to be honest of course I didn't think about it at all I also I don't even know if I told you that I wasn't gonna be there until like you did like a day before you didn't you didn't you didn't and that's another point you didn't say anything to me like you know a month from now because you had to buy tickets to go to London mm-hmm you had to make big arrangements yes to go you didn't say anything to me you just day before like oh yeah I'm not here tomorrow you're on your own good luck getting all of your

shit together good luck with your tour Laffy Chimpy boy what and then you took off and you don't know who is this person I've never even heard her name before Laffy Chimpy boy no Anais who's Anais I don't even know her who's a friend of mine I know what you've got everything oh god you have so many friends I'm real popular I know but but sometimes I think you throw around the term friend a little loosely because you're just oh yeah she's my friend I gotta go to London did you really have to go you sound very jealous right now I mean do you think you made the right call yes I don't regret it even for a

second I yeah I do you should you a lot so what I what I really did was you like having riffs where you make fun of how terrible I am at my job so I just stepped away from that for a few days so if you're asking me hey did you miss me making fun of you incessantly for a few days so you could go to London for a wedding yeah it wasn't a hard decision to make at all okay quick question you left left me in the lurch but then you said that you were gonna be back for the next the show at the start of the next part of the leg which was in Chicago uh-huh were you there in time to go with us to Chicago no that's right you

weren't what what happened there my flight got canceled did you leave a little buffer there for that flight back so you can get back to your important job no I wanted to maximize my time in London so I booked the flight for the morning of the show you booked the flight in London for the morning of my show in Chicago that you were supposed to be at and then oops I didn't work out you're on your own again chimpy boy but in my defense do you make fun of me a lot I do I'm good at it it might be the thing I'm best at now now listen let's make sure that we're honest here do you make fun of me a lot yes I do it's what

I'm best at I think we are both I think in each other we have found the person isn't it crazy that the person you're best making it making fun of in the world is Conan O'Brien and the person I'm best making fun of in the world is Sonoma Sessian and then we happen to meet yes and we happen to work together it's destined this is like Lenin meeting McCartney it's magical I don't understand that reference at all I'm sorry they were singers long before there were you know apps oh that Lenin and McCarthy McCartney wait did you think I was talking about Vladimir Lenin and Joe and Joe McCarthy yes yeah you know

what you're like you're like you're like I'm Vladimir Lenin and you are red baiting red baiting commie hunter Joe McCarthy yes perfect it's perfect analogy we are the perfect analogy and I was like Lenin and McCartney don't understand the relationship oh my god I this is great I actually think we're perfect as you know what let's leave it that way Vladimir Lenin and Joseph McCarthy that's what we are yeah together it's good so one of us has a stroke at a pretty young age and the other one dies of alcoholism I'm happy you're gonna be the stroke one

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonoma Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself produced by me Matt Gawrley executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Ear Wolf special thanks to Jack White and the White Stripes for the theme song incidental music by Jimmy Vivino you can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode got a question for Conan call the Team Coco hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message it too could be featured on a future episode and if you haven't already please subscribe to Conan O'Brien

needs a friend on Apple podcasts, Stitcher, or wherever find podcasts or download this has been a Team Coco production in association with Ear Wolf