Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Deep Dive with Dana Carvey 2

Episode Date: August 12, 2019

Dana reveals his more aggressive characters plus Jon Lovitz’s secret catchphrase. Also: Trump sings a song and Obama makes a pitch to Netflix.This episode is sponsored by Vital Farms (www.vitalfarms.com/coupon), Mizzen+Main (www.comfortable.af code: CONAN), Atoms Shoes (www.atoms.com/CONAN), HotelTonight (www.hoteltonight.com), and WGU (www.wgu.edu/CONAN).

Hello, this is Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Deep Dive, with Dana Carvey. Hey, Dana. Glad to be here, Conan. It's a six-part mini-series where I, Conan O'Brien, along with occasional help from my assistant Sonam Obsession, and my producer, Matt Gorley, go deep into the weeds with one of my favorite comedians and friends, Dana Carvey. Enjoy. Well, I'm a happy little boy, because once again, I'm sitting with one of my favorite

people of all time, Dana Carvey. And we are going to shoot six, call them mini-episodes, if you will. If I had my choice, it would be 75 mega-episodes. But apparently, Dana's a little too busy to find. Well, well, well, well, well, look at what we got ourselves here. Oh, my God. We got ourselves a talk show man. That's what you're playing in.

You in a talk show man? Who is this? I just love doing that. Who is that guy? I'm wanting to start. Who is that guy? It's the asshole in the Western movies at the bar, and he says, well, well, well, well, look at what we got ourselves here.

We got a hell of a talk show man. You going to talk talk show man? Is that your plan? You going to talk like a talk show man? So the funny part is you keep going with a talk show, talk a show man. And so what happens is this is a Western where a talk show host is sitting at the bar and a dusty cowboy with two six shooters on each, six shooters on each hip, comes in, wipes the dust of the trail off of himself, sees the talk show host, myself or Regis Philbin.

It's a little bit of Regis. Yeah. And no, and then, and then comes up to me and goes like, well, well, well, well, well. Yes. And what do you? You can do it with any occupation. Wow. So what we got?

We all got ourselves an assistant here. Is that your plan? You're going to make life easier for Conan, is that your plan, assistant's woman? It works with everybody. It works with, does it work with Matt Gorley, the podcast producer? Oh, look at what we got ourselves here. We got ourselves a podcast producer. You're going to produce a podcast, is that your plan, a podcast man?

He going to find a podcast and he going to produce it up, ain't you podcast man? So does it work for everyone? I don't want no trouble. Well, well, look at what we got ourselves here. He wants no trouble, mister, not your plan to get no trouble. You're a trouble, mister, man, no trouble in your life, is that your plan, Mr. Trouble Man? I've noticed in the short time you've been here, you don't seem to be going for your

gun at all. You just keep repeating stuff, so I think I'm relatively safe. You're not as menacing as I thought. I don't pack heat, I humiliate, and then I leave. So he doesn't ever shoot anybody, this guy? Everything that delights me is just about me, my brand is being a, he's a nice guy, what a nice guy. All my characters are just aggressive, like this one, so long, Spotify, farewell pod,

save America, whatever it is, there's a new sheriff in town, conaco, conaco production. So that's another, like, aggressive, you could get up on anyone with that. For people who are listening and have trouble with relationships at any time, just so you don't want to date me again, that's all right. Now you bring up something really fascinating, because you are, Dana, I'm just telling this to the viewer, the viewer for a second, because some people do view these by just staring it there. You did say that we were shooting six episodes of this, by the way.

Well sorry, I've been in television for 78 years, and I just got horn-swaggled into this, into this medium, mere months ago. You can't see us, but you can hear us. It sounds like he's going to blow up a bridge or something, devious. You bring up something that is, I want to talk about, which is aggression and anger. Obviously a big part of comedy, you are such a nice person, Dana is such a nice guy, but at the same time, and I think we have this in common, we're both, I think, nice people, but we're constantly fantasizing about what's the worst thing we could do.

What is the worst way we could behave? I did this the other day, I did an event at UCLA, and it was Mrs. Obama. My job was to introduce Mrs. Obama, and these really nervous writers came up to me, and they were saying, Conan, you're going to introduce Mrs. Obama. I immediately said, okay, here's what I want to do. This is minutes before I'm supposed to do it in front of 10,000 kids. I'm like, this is what I want to do, okay? Can you guys get me the Black Eyed Peas song tonight's going to be a good night?

And Sony, you were there. And they were like, wow. And they were like, what? That's gutsy. And I'm like, I want to go out there, and I want to say, hey guys, you young kids, a lot of you think I'm irrelevant, and I'm an old guy, but I'm not, because I know what's going on now. Drop it!

And then I wanted that song to play, and I wanted to start dancing to tonight's going to be a good night. And then I wanted to start yelling offstage, Mrs. Obama, get out here, get out here. And of course, she wouldn't come out, because she'd be a fool to. And I'm dancing like an idiot. And then I wanted to go, what the fuck, what the fuck's wrong, come on. And I thought, and I just was like, I was, I love thinking of ways to destroy my career. That's not what you should do.

That's not a good idea. Michelle's got a particular way she likes to be introduced. But Mr. Obama, what I want to do is play the Black Eyed Peas song tonight's going to be a good night. And then I want to start dancing, and then I want to try and force Mrs. Obama to come out and dance with me and say, Mazel Tov, and Laheim. We can get back. Here's what I want to do.

Obama, Michelle, and Brock have a deal at Netflix. They are movie and TV producers. Yeah, let's talk about that. How hip would it get to go in there and just pitch something to them? You know, Obama's there, he's like, well, before he began dating them, I'm kind of new to the whole old movie thing. I got a bit of an idea, and I don't know if anyone's done it. It's about a little cute alien comes down to earth, a friend's a little girl, then the

spaceship leaves, it can't get home. It's got to call home. I think that's E.T. by Spielberg. Oh, fuck me. Michelle, what do you got? So if you could go on and on with that. So okay, so people are coming in. But the whole thing, the whole fun of it is fuck me, Michelle, what do you got?

It's a show about a wizard that goes to a school. That's Harry Potter. Fuck me. Michelle, what do you got? I want that to be a T-shirt. Is that wrong? Is it a dress? No.

My own predator island. Oh. What I love, what I love, yeah, is that you can, it's comedy as a way to escape being nice and correct, and just these kind of riffs where, okay, you are Barack Obama, you've got a really beautiful office at Netflix, okay? You've got your little casually dressed because you've been out of the office now, presidency, you're enjoying life, you've got this big Netflix deal, and now you're taking meetings, and Conan O'Brien comes in to maybe help out.

So I've come in and you are Barack Obama. That's right. Welcome. Mr. President, it's an honor to be here, and I'm excited that you're working at Netflix. That's good stuff. I love what you're saying. That's what I do. Okay, I didn't say much.

What's the idea that you've got? I don't know an idea about a young man that comes to America, you know, from another part of the world, and he's confused about American society. Can I get a cup of coffee? I'm already asleep. That's all right. That's not a good idea. That's not what you ought to be doing.

Okay. That's the way I talk, and I don't know why. I'll just lillip, the end of the sentence, lillip. So you didn't like that idea. What about this? What about a game show where couples have to try and complete each other's sentence? Do you like that? I'm glad I...

What is that show? I don't... Married Newly White Game. Newly White Game. Oh! The Newly White Game. Obama, the tone of Obama, for me being an impressionist, just the calming tone of him, where it was just, we're going to be good, things are going to be all right, and he would

just point out stuff and call globally and make you feel better about it, like that. He'd just point out, that's not what they ought to be doing. He was not in the interest of Russia to go on to a country like that, and then the press would go, what are you going to do? And he goes, not a thing. Because Trump... Yes, it's a nice contrast. At 300 pounds, you know, the orange...

I mean, where does he... He's fighting the whole world all day long, sanctions, fuck you, terrorist, crooked Hillary. It's just such a crazy... Can I do my favorite new Trump rhythm? Yeah. That's the one I like, because Trump has so many sub-rhythms and weird, crazy things, but I like it when he's impatient with us not knowing how brilliant he is. I know how to make deals, I make a lot of deals, I can make deals, I know how to make

deals, I can make a lot of deals, that's what I do, I make a deal. It's getting there. I mean, he can work one word for three minutes and somehow it works. You're going to be happy. Like, excuse me, many people are saying, happy like you wouldn't believe. Happy, happy, people say, you're going to be happy, you're going to be happy, happy like you wouldn't believe. Happy, happy, happy.

And seven minutes goes by and nothing has been said. You know what I noticed? You should add this in. He does this. You probably noticed this. I was listening to him on the radio yesterday. He takes in air rapidly through his nose when he talks, he goes, yes, there was rumors he did cope because of that early on.

Yeah, and I don't think that's it. No, it's a nasal. He takes an inhalation and then he does what you're doing. Gotta do, gotta go. Yeah. Yeah. And then he takes an inhale as if he's a whale coming up to the surface and has to grab as much as he can before he goes back down to talk for an hour.

Well, the one thing that's kind of interesting is that Obama also could sing, which was amazing, I think, for, you know. Right. Amazing. You know, he could sing really well. We never had a singing, well, maybe Nixon, my darling, but I always thought it'd be great if Trump got up there with a mic, the inaugural, whatever, you know, no one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind a stone over.

Did I do that on your show? I think I did it. I don't remember. Does it matter? Does it matter? We just put it out there. I'm not going to edit, man. Yeah.

I'm just here. I'm just me. I'm just real. Feel me. Touch me, man. You know. Did money say, hey, did I paint that little already? You know.

Cramony. Hey, was that a little bit of a Dennis Miller? A little bit of Dennis Miller. Okay. My IQ goes up when I do Dennis. Dennis has some of the best. Just give me a subject. References.

You know. He just football. Or the way he'll say things. Like, surprise me. See if I can do it. Any topic. Okay. Talk about the Mueller report.

Okay. Thanks. Okay. The FBI guy, the Elliott Ness dude comes out with the bomb show. Okay. Everybody's going hyperbolic. Close. He blow on a gasket.

Okay. Let's bring the bar cat out. He's not beat up enough. All right. That's an old 68 right there. Okay. Let's hang him up in the town square. Okay.

You know, I was. I told you I may have said this, but I was watching. He's brilliant. He saw me once. I worked with him on Silent Live. And I think he misunderstood once because he could sometimes come across as kind of menacing back in the day. Oh yeah.

Definitely. And so I kind of just stayed out of his way. And I was over at the craft services table on Silent Live. And I just said something. People were talking and Dennis said something. And then I said something. And I think Dennis misunderstood and thought that I had maybe made a little insult or a crap or something.

And Dennis just went, this is 1988. And he went, oh, okay. So comes he took a little shot at Den Den. He went, oh, so comes he took a little shot at Den Den. And I went, what? And he's like, okay, comes he going after Den Den? Well, here it goes. And then I remembered thinking, shit, he's pissed at me now.

And I think he thought that I had gone after him in some way. Well, he would go in. I don't know if you're there. He'd go in like we had the best junior varsity. There was a room, there was a holding room where Farley, Spade, Tim Meadows, you know, Sandler, they'd all be in there and they'd love it when Dennis would come in and just rip each of them before he'd leave. He'd be leaving like at five o'clock.

You know, Farley, they're not buying the fat kid thing. Okay. Then you go to Spade. Curvy's already got that one nailed. Okay. Kinky. And then Sandler. Nobody's buying this.

God, nobody's buying that. Okay, babe. And they loved it. They just, yeah, they loved getting torn apart. I remember his references would get, the more obscure I thought the funnier they were. I was listening to him do Monday night football once and someone was getting their ankle, a player was getting his ankle taped on the sidelines and Al Michaels or something said, wow, they're really going to town on his ankle.

Looks like he really heard it. And Dennis went, I haven't seen that much rapping since Christo did the pant noof. And I was like, what, Christo, the artist who wraps things with giant, had done an exhibition once around the pant noof where he took giant wrappings. And so you're just a guy at home eating a sandwich, watching Monday night football or Sunday night or whatever it was. And he's just like, I haven't seen that much rapping since Christo did the pant noof. And I lost it.

I just thought, this is fantastic. I'm sure so many football people right now are furious because they don't know what's going on. One of my favorites was, I haven't seen choreography like that since the Lee Harvey Oswald prison transfer. That's kind of a classic, somewhat accessible. That was horrible choreography. Yeah, he used to do the warm-up at SNL when I was there. And he had a really good act. But one of his things was he had it memorized and he would go out and say it as fast as he could.

Do you remember that? Oh, yeah. He would do his warm-ups under a lot of pressure. So fast. Was it pressure or was it just him saying, screw this. I just want to get this out of the way. A little bit of both. It was like a record played at double speed.

Literally that fast. It was like, that's not so anyway. It's more like Manson got an onion up the old bunion. But I got to tell you, that's what I'm trying to tell you. And you were racing to keep up. You couldn't. You're lucky my chick's not here. I'm doing kind of a Bing Crosby now with him, I think.

It's going down there like that. He's a very high kind of soft. He's a vulnerable young man. That's a nice thing for you to say. Yes. Only young man. Al Gore's got 350 tucked, net, you know. What are you talking about?

Bernie Sanders came out yesterday and said, I check with my accountant. I now officially hate myself. I'm a rich prick. I hate me. I hate me. I'm a greedy rich prick. You know, you've always had an eye for the money, Dana. I'm fascinated what I'm talking with.

Like if I'm hanging out with Sandler, I'm fascinated. Am I talking a 350 net, 450 net, 500? I'm talking millions net. What do you want to know who you're talking to? Well, yeah. Yeah, but it's interesting because when I've talked to you, you get this laser focus. And I'll be talking to you just about my life.

And then I'll say, and then you'll just start to, you're staring at me. Yeah. As if you're looking into my soul. And then you'll say, and these are all made up figures, but you'll say like, I don't know. Let's see. Okay. This is, I was thinking the TBS deal you're getting this.

Yeah. And then you'll go, I think you're getting that. And I think you're getting that net. You're getting that net. Okay. I'm going to say there's a couple of things you do, a couple of corporates a year. I'm going to give you, I bet you do six. I bet you do six.

Now I think they provide the plane and you do this. It's like I'm Rain Man or something. And you start doing it. Yeah, definitely six. Definitely six. And then you'll say, and you'll say, no, I know you got, you know, you got the family. You got to take care of them.

But then you think about, okay, you got the podcast too. Now listen, let's just say that those don't make, now you got to split that money, of course, with TBS. That's okay. And I watch you and you just go to town and you are surgical about it. And it feels like you can look at anybody. It's a tell. It's a tell.

And for you, it's like you just blink a little longer than normal. When I get close to the actual truth. So you bought a house for 27 million. You know, and I can look and see if it was actually higher or lower. So for you, I deconstructed you. I didn't blink. I know. With spade, I was able to discern his net worth.

They're about 20 minutes just by the cat and mouse game. I'm an evil person. Let's see about you guys. No, but I find money fascinating. I think we'll be easy, right? Yeah. Celebrity net worth. No, but we've talked about this, that it's fascinating to know how celebrities.

There used to be that show lifestyle, the rich and famous. I'm yelling and I don't know why. That was Robin Leach. It's an old reference, but it was an Australian man who sounded like he was trapped in a well. He was Australian? He was definitely Australian. Definitely Australian. And he would say things like, look at this palatial palace.

And he would talk about champagne dreams and caviar and whatever it was. But what's far more fascinating is to go through. I'm interested in what people spend. Sometimes you get these little nuggets. It'll come out in a divorce proceeding that Johnny Depp spent something crazy like $10,000 a day on wine. And you think, I don't even know. If I had the most expensive wine I could think of and I had it shooting out of hoses into a giant urinal, I don't think he would reach $10,000 at the end of the day.

I did a movie a long time ago with Nicholas Cage and he was a kindred spirit. He was always looking at schematics of porches and cars. And he had a train, this giant Lionel train in his hotel room. It was like 20 feet across. I like to watch it go. You must have a train. But him and Johnny, they really spent it. I don't know, maybe I should spend more.

Well, you know, there are those people that have a kind of, they want to spend their last dime as they take their last breath. That was Love It's because Love It's will come out with a Bentley and I go, why could you afford a Bentley? Why did you buy a Bentley? He goes, because I'm going to be dead. That's a direct quote. I'm going to take my own life in an hour.

I can't take it with you. I don't like things. Now, John Love It's, no matter what's happening in his career, will always have several cars and really nice leather jackets. And he'll always have an attractive woman on his arm. And the first thing he'll say to you when you come up to him is, instead of introducing her politely, he'll just look at the girl, look at you and go, jealous.

Yeah, jealous, jealous. If you give him a compliment, like, I like that jacket, jealous. Yeah, he'll do it about anything. Oh, that looks like a pretty healthy salad. Jealous? No, I'm happy you're having that salad, but I don't... John Love It's is the kind of guy who took one day to know him in 20 years to believe it.

Hello. I mean, where did he come from? He talks like he's from the 40s. Hello, everybody. But I remember when he really tried to work this catchphrase on Saturday Night Live. Do you remember the one? Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. He had...

He wanted another huge national... You know, he had The Liar, which was... That's the ticket. That's the ticket, and that was a huge national catchphrase. Everybody was saying, that's the ticket, and it was a giant thing, and he wanted another one, so he kept trying to force it. He had one that he did, and he kept trying to do it. He would do it in the writer's room.

He would do it, constantly pitch it to us, and he'd get angry that we didn't think it was good. And that catchphrase was... I think, well, there were two. One was, as Harvey Weinstein, I just want to be loved. Is that so wrong? That was one. And then it was goodbye, everybody. Goodbye.

That's the one I remember. I remember the second one. Yeah. That was it. That was the whole catchphrase. It was goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. And you'd think, well, what is that attached to? Well, I don't know.

You're the writer. You figure it out. And he'd get mad. Let's say, well, I don't... He's a 40s guy. Yeah. Come on. You're the writer. You figure it out. Goodbye, everybody. Goodbye. Well, I did a fake one.

I don't know if I've told this story before when I... Doesn't matter. The second year of Saturday Night Live, we had a little press conference, and they asked me, do you have... My second year, in like, 80, 70, do you have any new catchphrases? So I made up my new catchphrase is,

I got to, got to, got to go. And then Jan Hooks was the sidekick, and she was going, and I'm going to go on with them. Yes. So we wrote that sketch, funny little poopy head. Yes. Which you know about. Yes, I do. Yes, I do.

And you were totally making fun of everybody who was trying to come up with a catchphrase. Yeah, completely. But then, ironically, I don't know if that's the word. I use that too much, ironically. But it actually started to catch, you know? I got to, got to, got to go. And I'm going with it.

But it was completely made up in the press corps. I was like, wow, he's got to, you know... Because I've done corporate dates where I said, well, I'll improvise that part. And they go, well, what are your improvs going to be? What? Can you tell us ahead of time what your improv's going to be?

That's what I say, goodbye, everybody, goodbye. The Exxon people want to know. You know what I just want to go back to one last time? Yes. I love Obama hearing as a Netflix exec or a guy who now has a Netflix deal. That's right. I love him hearing a pitch with Michelle Obama.

Mm-hmm. Or else pitching. Pitching his own idea. Yeah, I like him pitching his own idea. Can I hear that again? That's right. Well, let's see what I got. Here's an idea, Conan.

I'm not sure if this is something that people want to see, but maybe it's something you can work with. Okay, Mr. President, go ahead. It's a family that's from the Appalachian, and they don't have any money, and they strike oil. They come to Hollywood,

and they set up shop in a big old mansion. Mr. President, that sounds a lot like the 1960s hit the Beverly Hill Billies. Oh, fuck me, Michelle, what do you got? That's not... What else you got, Mr. President? I want to hear another one, Mr. President. Don't get discouraged,

because you're new to show business. Mr. President, you're new to show business, and you've got this big Netflix deal. Don't get discouraged, and I'm here to help. Well, we're also doing some TV. Okay. Now, here's an idea. Okay.

There's millennials, they're kind of young people in their 20s, and they hang out at a coffee shop, and they're friends. And that's it? That's it. Okay, well, that... Just what you've told me now

sounds a lot like the TV show Friends. Oh, fuck me, Michelle, what do you got? I want a t-shirt of that. I want to do one of these... Fuck me, Michelle, what do you got? Because Michelle never talks. No, no. I don't do it, Michelle.

Yeah, yeah, she's just there, rolling her eyes, you know, putting up with... That is... I love that. Can he pitch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, please? Well, here's an idea. I don't know if it's going to work,

but this is more along for young people. For kids, you think? Maybe children. Okay. There's these... There's sort of a radioactive event. Near a swamp or a jungle or something, these turtles,

they grow up real big, and they're kind of mutants from the radioactivity. And they're kind of like their... They're sort of in their formative years. You could call them teenagers. And they're... They're turtles.

I don't know if it's any good. That's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, Mr. President. I think that's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Oh, fuck me. Michelle, what do you got? Fuck me, Michelle, what do we got? That's it for this episode.

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