Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Deep Dive with Dana Carvey 3

Episode Date: August 19, 2019

Dana gets into a competitive fashion. Robert Shaw (from Jaws) discusses the Mueller Report. Tony Montana at Thanksgiving Dinner. Plus, Bradley Cooper & Lady Gaga at the Oscars, Norm MacDonald, and Mike Tyson.This episode is sponsored by Amazon Launchpad (amazon.com/shoplaunchpad), Betterhelp (www.betterhelp.com/conan code: CONAN), NHTSA, KiwiCo (www.kiwico.com/CONAN), and Stamps.com (www.stamps.com code: CONAN).

Hello, this is Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Deep Dive, with Dana Carvey. Hey, Dana. Glad to be here, Conan. It's a six-part mini-series where I, Conan O'Brien, along with occasional help from my assistant Sonam Obsession, and my producer, Matt Gorley, go deep into the weeds with one of my favorite comedians and friends, Dana Carvey. Enjoy. I'm sitting here with Dana Carvey.

Thank you, Conan. Is anyone else doing this right now on the planet? I don't think there are any other podcasts. I'm fascinated. Who's the only one? Hi, listeners. You're probably at Gelson's right now. Remember to get the yogurt plain vanilla for the wife with walnuts and sliced oranges.

I've gone too personal. Yeah, you nailed it. You nailed our, because that's our demo, is the Gelson's Yogurt Shopper. Well, I love the idea that people are listening to these things while they're doing other things. Right. There are like applying ointments right now. Very intimate things are happening while people listen to this stuff.

Oh, yes, with machines that they can hold. What? What do you do? It's whatever you think that is. I have no idea. I think you do. I'm just trying to produce verbiage. That's this job requires.

I'm an empath. I want everyone in here to be happy. Oh, that's very nice. Dana wants everyone to be happy at all times, but also, you also want certain people to be unhappy at times. Yes. I know that about you. You're a devilish imp.

Yeah, I have a bit of a competitive streak in me. Do you really? If someone, if someone challenges me in a certain way and their face conflates with my father's face, then I, you know, but I'm never violent. I just have to, I always had to go with words. I couldn't fight anybody. Look at me. I'm a miniature person.

No, but you. I'm not really a full man. You destroy them with your comedy beam that you shoot out of your forehead. Well, yes. I remember when I did meet Seinfeld at the convenience cars, first thing he said was, look at you. You're a toy person. Oh my God.

Oh my God. And it's not like he's a giant either. No, I just, Jerry, I thought that was funny because the comedians are the most secure people in the world because we've had so much feedback in life that anyone could say anything about me. I mean, look at me. I don't have a chin. I don't even have a face.

Why do you think I wear these? I don't really need them. This is infrastructure. I'm losing volume in my face to scruff and this is just a great, otherwise I'm the invisible man. My eyebrows are going. You know, and I do a few little things. I'm not going to have a white goatee when Ringo's encased in a chocolate head of beautiful

brown beard and hair. All my heroes are dipping and foiling and they are definitely. You're not going to go that way. It would be really funny if you have, the listener can't see this right now, but you have a gray with a little specks. You do just a little bit. You have a gray goatee and it would be really funny if you went jet black on the goatee, but kept your hair that sort of sandy blonde.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, I, you know, I reside inside, you know, so this is, I didn't ask for these little hands in this little chinless face. I'm just a member of the human race. You know, don't compare, don't despair. You reside inside. We all do.

What is this? I can't hide. What is this song? I don't know. It's a beat poet thing. Oh my God. That is incredible. It's a song my brother wrote.

I reside inside. Look at these feet. These funny little feet. I didn't ask for these feet. I was given these feet because I reside inside. Your brother wrote that? Oh yeah. He wrote 200 songs.

Scott. Scott Kirby. Was I a little too close? Now Conan is looking at my hair, eyebrows, my glasses. The reason that you and I are doing these mini podcasts is because I had the time of my life talking to you. It's a lot of fun. On the podcast, the last time, and one of the things you did, everything you said made

me laugh so hard. I cried. One of the things you started talking about, you started doing an impression of Johnny Carson getting pulled over after going to have a drink in the 1970s, and you know, Johnny liked his drink occasionally, his cocktails, and he occasionally got pulled over and it was a different time, but you did an impression of him getting pulled over and talking to the officer about where he had been and what he had been drinking, and it made me cry and I wanted more.

And that is the brain candy of where it was and what he had. Let's see. I think you're going to pick one? No, no, you go. Okay. Oh, sorry officer, I had a strawberry boom-boom at the Winking Wreck. That's just, that was the first time that's ever been said out loud. Yeah.

Can I have some more please? I had a feisty feather at Slippery Tim's, again, it makes no sense to humanity. But these were, no wait, but it's perfect because this is the kind of, this is the kind of drinks and the kind of restaurants that they had. To me, it's always, if I can get to five questions, then I like the bit. Right. I need five questions. Why is Johnny going to those places?

Why do they call the drinks that? Why when he gets pulled over, does he have to say what he drank and where he drank? And what does the cop think about when he hears that? Right. Almost gets to that. I had a lucky leopard at Mr. Ducky's. You know, it's just, I had a couple foaming swans at Mr. Frost's, you know what I'm saying? It's always two.

It's always two. It's always two. I had a banana daiquiri up with ice at the Bahama Mama. It just rhythms. You guys are too good an audience. Good night, everybody. I want to thank Conan and Ear Wolf and Stitcher. I want to thank you all.

This has been tremendous. Thank you and good night. Oh my God. I just, I really love that. I really love that. Oh, that's, I just wrote those four this. So I'm going to write a few more. And what was the one, there was one from last time that also killed me.

I can't remember what it was. Well, the very first one was, I'm showing off, I didn't know I was swarming. And I had two slippery monkeys at the hook and crook. And that has a great rhythm, right? Yeah. Slippery monkeys at the hook and crook. I had two frozen pillows at the windy summit. And that's another question.

Why is Johnny cruising around Malibu, drinking these giant, exotic, sugary drinks? That's what gets him off like the cops like, oh, okay, that makes sense. But it's also great that he, in that condition, would be able to remember this elaborate drink and this elaborate name of the place he's been. Because it doesn't sound nefarious. Like, if he ever went to AA, and I had too many foaming swans at Mr. Ducky, he'd be like, I don't know if you belong here. No, I had 10 of them.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't seem like alcohol. I can't seem to stop. It's a strawberry boom, boom, it's the winking rat. The winking rat. Were you even drinking? No. Okay, so, Dana, here's something you do that I love, and I think you're one of the best

at it in history, which is you take two people that don't belong together and you mash them together. And I think that's obviously a lot of comedy without getting over them a little cold because I hate that, is taking things that don't belong and putting them together. Yeah. Okay, we know that, but you have this way of taking people who don't belong in the same space and jamming them together and suddenly they have to interact with each other. Well, I can't.

I mean, that one, the two operatic performances in movies that really, really last, and they last with young people too, are Robert Shaw in Jaws. Robert Shaw and Jaws Classic, yeah. And Al Pacino's Tony Montana. So I connect those only in the operatic rhythms that will never leave your, you know, like shark, you know what, you know that guy. Yeah. I mean, that is so brilliant.

So I was using him kind of discussing the Mueller report. So who is this? This is Robert. Robert Shaw from Jaws. Robert Shaw from Jaws is doing the Mueller. Discussing. The Mueller report. Discussing the report.

Yeah. $25 million was spent two years, 4900 interviews, one million documents, TV, no collusion was done, and the whole time he's eating a little biscuit, right? Well, it's from the one where he's on the ship, you know, 24 going to the water, 32 and that shark come around, William Barg, got kind of like a door, eyes, old black and black. So it's basically taking things through history and putting them in motion. I love that.

But you've heard my Al Pacino. Yeah. I want to hear it. I want to hear it. I always did this bit and I still come back to it and it has a lot of the nonsense of musical, musical nonsense that I like. It's Al Pacino. It's Tony Montana at Thanksgiving dinner.

So it's just that rhythm of, pass the sweet potatoes, pass the sweet potatoes, chai look around the room, I don't see no sweet potatoes on the table, I told you, I told you, I want a KAM, a YKAM, or a sweet potato, but why you don't put a sweet potato on a table? I don't know why you're talking with me, mom. Why you got to do that? Why you got to do that? Huh? I know, I'll put you up to this is that fat bitch grandma, look at your mom, look at you,

I see you all the time, man, you like to eat, you like to eat. I look at you all the time, man, you know, you look at, you got, you got a box of chocolates, you take the chocolate out, you stick your thumb on the back, you don't get the caramel, you put it right back in the container. Because you don't check it again on a women's sampler, there's a guy on the lid again, it corresponds with a chocolate that says coconut, you know it's a coconut, but you don't check it again, you never check it again, you're going to check it again. So that is something I love to do, if you go on, yes, but you don't check it again.

And sometimes that will be a 10 minute bit, but I love when grandma goes, she's picturing everyone else at the table belongs at a Thanksgiving table, except, except, every part of mom, we got a bottle of carrot corn and a cat cake. So I love that what the, when Pacino was doing the Cuban accent, what certain words would sort of do to his mouth and how he would say them, like, you, you got a cake and a cat at a car, it's like, well, you know, that's just like, it's my head, I got a cat cake, got a cat and a corn, chew it on, do what I like, what I better got. So anyway, fuck me, what do I got?

What do you do? Are you ever alone doing this stuff and no one's there? Yes. You'll be alone completely, like, I'm just saying, you're in your bathroom, you've just brushed your teeth, but you're looking in the mirror. And you start to do this. Yes. Sometimes I will.

Does your wife walk in and is it, does it, well, it's embarrassing if she does, but I'll do it on hikes too. But if I want to extend the, either of those bits, I'll just practice. You do it on hikes. So a fellow hiker could be in the woods and then they could hear Tony Montana at Thanksgiving dinner. What are you going to do, man? What are you going to do?

I got a, I don't want to get a, yeah, I got to stop for stuffing. I got to, I got to, why do what I got to do? What do I got to do with that? And then I'm coming around and I'll see someone hiking. And then I have to pretend that I want to singing or talking or whatever. Right. I mean, I just, I have to say them out loud to learn them. I'm trying to learn, uh, Aviar Bardin.

Um, I, you know, I want to learn him. You want to learn Aviar Bardin? Him too. Yeah. So I think maybe the first thing to do is. I went to state school. I went to Harvard. Oh yeah.

Yeah, that's what they do. When you go to Harvard is they teach you what an actor's name is. I'm fascinated. Just Aviar Bardin. That's not a, that's not a, oh, look at egghead over here. Well, it's kind of, it's very, cause I saw him at the Oscars. I went to the Oscars, which was a fluke, you know, cause Mike Myers was in Bohemian Rhapsody.

I'd not been to the Oscars in 27 years. Suddenly I'm in the, I'm in the third row center. I mean, I have the best seat. My wife and I, and I looked over and I saw Yaviar, is that how you, Yaviar Bardin. You get the guttural thing. Why are you doing the Kha thing? Cause he has, he's a really good friend of mine and his name is Javier Bardin. You could just say Javier Bardin, but then I can do it as a, you know, Javier Bardin.

I don't call you Sanna, I'm obsessed, I call you Son of Obsession. Okay. No, you could just say Javier Bardin. And so, I saw him and I'd never seen him being that exotic looking, like the back of his skull was like, and then the, his face and then, you know, and then I saw him backstage and he says, why are you presenting? I know. I'm from Wayne's world.

That's no reason for you to present. Okay. But I did. Did you do that? Could you do that scene in No Country for Omen? Oh, I love it. I know. But you playing with that, you playing with that scene about that quarter.

Yes. You would have a lot of fun with that. Call it. Well, I don't want to call it. I've got to know what I'm betting on. Everything. It's a very quiet, you know. It's very quiet.

But I also like that he's eating nuts, Javier Bardin is eating nuts and he's talking to in No Country for Omen and he's at the counter with the guy in the gas station and he's, but it does feel to me like you could do a million comedy things with him. Why are you presenting at the Oscars? Yeah. You know. Right. Yeah.

Just right up in my face. Yeah. It's basically that kind of intimidation. But yeah, he's so brilliant. And then he says, don't just put that quarter back in your pocket. Don't put it in your pocket. Because it mixes with the other quarters. Yeah.

It's not a magic quarter. Is it? Well, I don't know. It's funny about that accent, how we just accept that it's stereotypically they're not too bright people from the South. I can't figure anything out. You know, you go on and get a brain surgeon, we're going to pop off top of your skull. It's going to be real scary.

We're going to dig on down deep in there, sir. I actually had a neighbor who talked like that, Mississippi Joe. What's his name? Mississippi Joe? No, it was Joe and I named him Mississippi Joe. And he talked like that? He talked like that. Good gosh.

The myth that I based kind of around Mississippi Joe was the only thing that Netflix asked me to drop from my special. Why is that? Well, it's just, I don't know why, but basically it was just the story of driving in the South. We were doing stand up, looking for a place to eat. We met this southern guy, super nice, you know, just, we fellas looking for something to eat. Well, we got Joe's diner down, go down, take a right of the will tree. You see it right on the left.

They're nice old food in there. But if you're hungry, I got some peach cobbler on, you can come all up my house. And I looked at him and said, we're not going up into your house. You sick. Fuck. And they didn't like that? They didn't like that? It was too much.

Well, I don't know. I have a weird brand. I'm kind of like the nice guy. That's why I've had confusing things happen to me throughout my life. People, is he edgy? Is he not? Is he dark? Is he light?

Is he what? Oh, I mean, people that think, oh, he's confused. It's just going to be friendly, family friendly comedy from nice Dana Carvey and then you go super dark. They just don't know. And I did the show on ABC. They just thought the church lady was a prime time character, but it was very subversive in actuality.

You're naughty, bulbous. And we like, we don't like Jesus and Satan. I mean, it was not ready for 9.30 at night, but they thought it was. Sorry, Robert Iger, congratulations on the Avengers. That's fascinating. But anyway. You follow those movies? Do you follow the Avenger movies?

I kind of do. You know, I'm more 2001, I saw it three times at the Arclight when it was reissued. The final time I saw it in the dome, we'll only two people down below. So a private space. 2001 Space Odyssey. 2001 Space Odyssey. Three times when they reissued it. I watch it twice a year.

It's like a meditation to me. I think it's absolute genius. Don't you? Oh, 2001. You know what? My son hasn't seen it yet and I want to show it to him. He started that when they're outside the space. Why are you, why are you presenting at the Oscars?

I'll tell you something interesting about the Oscars, not a joke. So I was right. I saw Bradley Cooper come out, very nervous, give him a lot of credit, Gaga's there. So we're right on top of him. He's like, how you doing, girl? And it was slightly wobbly. And then he got right into it and was hitting it. And then toward the end, he goes on the piano.

Now where I'm seated, exactly in the third row, I could see right past Mike's head and Rame Meleke. Rami Meleke? Sorry. You just don't care about anyone's name. I think you're trying to put too much of a spin on. Why Kenan? I'm here with Kenan Orion.

But they're singing, she can play with one hand and they're like, in the shadows, la, la, la, in the shadow, la, la. So she had one hand on the piano and another hand someplace else. I'm not going to say, but I think I'm the only person who saw what was going on that night. In the shadows, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the shadows, na, yeah, yeah. Look, if you know from the angles, she played with one hand.

So what are you? Another hand free. Yeah, what did you see? I just saw it. In the shadows, yeah, yeah, yeah. In the shadows, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what I saw and I don't want to say it, but they were brilliant and I love everybody.

You love everybody. Brad Cooper. You're a big, what's up about Norm MacDonald? You're a Norm MacDonald fan? Yes. He's like, I don't know, he's like Mark Twain or something in a way, in his own twisted, brilliant way. He's, we've been one of my favorites, I've, I mean, one of my favorite interviews because

I never know where he's going to go. I never know what's going to happen. I don't think he knows what's going to happen. I love when he takes figures of speech, I guess would be the word, and he just twists them, you know? And like they say, you know, they say like Red Sky at Night is a sailor's delight, right? Red Sky at Night is Sailor's Delight. You think Sailor's Delight would be like some rum and a whore, you know?

I mean, he takes it, you know what I mean? They say a penny saved is a penny earned, that's a hundred percent return, more like one-hundredth of a penny earned, you know what I'm saying? Norm MacDonald. You know what I used to love that he would do on my show and I'm sure he's done another show, too, but I've never seen anyone do this before. He would come on with, you know, everyone has to tell stories when they come on a talk show.

Norm would come on and he'd start talking and it would become clear immediately that he's just telling an old joke from like the 19th to 20th. Right, if it's his experience, yeah. But he would say like, hey Conan, yeah, you know, I'm doing a good one. But hey Conan, it's good to get us, and I'd be like, well yeah, hey Norm, what you up to today? Well, yeah. I bought a farm.

I bought myself a farm, oh, you bought a farm, Norm, yeah, I bought myself a farm and I just the other day a salesman comes along and I'm thinking, what? And it's like 2015 and he's like, yeah, it comes to me and he says, I got three daughters. And I'm like, what do you, and then he tells a joke from 1925, but it's hilarious and he just says like, yeah, this happened to me. Fuck you, I'm not going to tell a story about going to Walmart, I'm going to tell you about the farmer's daughter. He deconstructs everything.

I mean, that was his autobiography, right? It was sort of made up stories and give it a little, what's a, what's a figure of speech? Norma size it. Like a penny sale. Well, that way he just did that one. Killed two birds with one stone. How about this? How about this one?

How about this one? I don't know anything. How about this one? Early to bed. No, the early bird gets the worm. Yeah, you know, they say like they, you know, they say that the early bird gets the worm, right? You know what I mean?

But, you know, worms are kind of, you know, they're there pretty much all day, you know, they're the birds, not the only one that gets the worms, you know, so why does he even want a worm? You know, I mean, I don't know, it's like being all right, funny, you know, really. Conan. So you're doing the podcast, the special thing with that Dan Agarno, right? No one ever got my name right during my life. Dana.

It's a girl's name. Conan. That's weird. What are you, what are you in a gladiator movie? That's what happened when I was a kid. I used to say that. You're in? I'm sorry.

I saw a single here. No, no, no. Hey, where's your sword? This was in Boston. Where's your sword? Where's your sword? That sounds like, that almost sounds like, you know, Mike Tyson's new podcast every year. It's really fun.

No, I haven't heard it. It's called Hot Boxing. Uh-huh. And he's like, he tells stories, you know, like when I was in prison, they said, you know, you can, I had a ball in prison, you know, I had stakes every day and everything. And then he said, you can buy animals, you know, and I said, okay, I like a tiger, you know, I would like really, I mean, it's, it's mesmerized. Does he, and he tells you, this is real stuff?

Yeah, yeah. I bought a tiger. I came back and I had four, four cubs and I raised the tigers, you know, you know, it's this great raising tigers. This is a very cool voice. He's mesmerizing. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Did you like prison, Mike? Did you enjoy it? Wallet prison, you know, they bring me menus and stuff, you know, you got, you got menus? Oh yeah. I had all white in prison, you know, I had a good time in prison. I ate, I never ate good food like that. It was the best food I've ever had in my life.

Best food you've had in your life was when you went to prison. Yeah. You know, I, I, I got the, I was a prison guard, she's a lady, I got a pregnant. You know, I had a lot of sex. That's true story. I had a lot of sex in prison. You had, he says he had sex in prison. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I had a lot of sex in prison. I had a lot of, you know, I ate a lot of food in prison. I had a great time in prison. I don't know if it's Mike Tyson, but it's a fun character. Damn. Yeah. I'm shocked that he, and that's, I've got to listen to that.

The podcast. Hot boxing. Anyway, we'll be right back. Yeah. We have, we are out of time on this one, right? Really? Seriously? Yeah.

Man. Another one flew by where these go too quickly. Yeah. That one went very fast. This is, I had a ball here. I had a ball here, but this goes very fast. What did you prefer, Mike? Did you prefer this podcast we just did with Dana Carvey or being in prison?

Um, I, I, you know, I, I, I'm all in prison. This is a great podcast, but I used to get all the podcasts in prison. Yes, prison. And all the best steaks. I don't know. I guess I do. Mike Tyson. You do, as of now.

All right. We'll take a break. We'll take a break. That is it for today's quick episode with Dana Carvey. Tune in for another one. Thank you. Or I pity you. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself, produced

by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Geoff Ross at Team Coco and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

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