Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Deep Dive with Dana Carvey 4

Episode Date: August 26, 2019

Conan and Dana deal with being hyped up. Impressions of a late 19th century science symposium, Conan’s talent manager, and Jeff Bridges celebrating life. Plus: John Wayne’s fury at fear and agnostic hymns.This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp (www.betterhelp.com/conan code: CONAN), Vital Farms (vitalfarms.com/coupon), Mizzen+Main (www.comfortable.af code: CONAN), and HotelTonight (www.hoteltonight.com).

Hello, this is Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Deep Dive, with Dana Carvey. Hey, Dana. Glad to be here, Conan. It's a six-part mini-series where I, Conan O'Brien, along with occasional help from my assistant Sonam Obsession, and my producer, Matt Gorley, go deep into the weeds with one of my favorite comedians and friends, Dana Carvey. Enjoy. Hey, we're here again with one of my favorite people, Dana Carvey.

Hey, Dana. Dana, stop doing that. I didn't, I should mention, Dana's on a respirator. Kubrick started it. Kubrick started it, right? That's your Kubrick homage? Is just making it slurpy? Remember, it's 20 minutes.

He's going out to fix the thing. Yes. 2001. He's outside. He's fixing the thing and just noises. Conan needs a friend. I begged to differ. I went to state college.

Conan has a friend. It's called me, Dana Florfo. Conan needs more friends is a little more correct. Nice. I like that. So, state college just took me on, huh? Harvard. And won.

You were so Harvard. I hate that. Everything about you is Harvard. I hate that. That's something about myself that I wish nobody knew that I had gone there. It's become, because it doesn't help in comedy. It just, I remembered early on we had a, no it doesn't. What about Jim Downey?

No, no, no. I know. Oh, Franken. No, they're very funny people that went there. I'm not saying that, but I'm just saying that when people hear that about you, there's an assumption. Yeah. It's something you have to overcome.

Elite. You have to be much funnier to overcome the sense that people have that you're an asshole. I think it's elite and privileged. I want to start with- Yeah, that really helps with comedy, doesn't it, Dana? Right. Well, here's a, you know, we had a warm-up guy early on and this is back on the Late Night Show was brand new and we didn't know what we were doing and we just told the guy who

was the announcer, who I believe was in his 60s at the time and he just had that kind of voice and he was the announcer, we had heard the announcers do the voiceover. So we just told him to do the warm-up for the crowd and I'd go out there and the crowds always seemed kind of hostile and I didn't know what was going on and so one day I listened to his, I listened to his warm-up and he would come out and go, no, I want you all to behave. Our hosts, very, very esteemed, our hosts went to Harvard College and the crowd would be like, what? He'd be like, he worked very hard and he wrote a thesis on the American South and I'm like,

what kind of fucking warm-up the crowd is, you know, he's never worked in on his day in his life, please welcome a real prick, Conan O'Brien. Dispoiled privilege. We were talking about that a minute earlier just about when I go to mics and stuff and it's very nice but Young Comedians will introduce me and it's just so much. End up the clown pressure, you know, ladies and gentlemen, you're in for a treat. This man brings it every time he shows up. You know him, he's part of your childhood.

Is there anyone funnier than a farfowl? You know, I even know him. Why won't you say Carvey? Why do you say farfowl? Because no one got my name right my entire early career. It was like Dana Garni, Donna, Donna Carnot. Well they know it now. You got to get over that.

They know your name Dana Farfowl. Dana. But you know what I love is people think they're doing you a favor but he's like, we're gonna bring out Dana and I defy you to find one second that it's not the funniest thing you've ever heard and if you do, feel free to shout a racist insult to us. He'll make you shit your pants and be glad about it. Bring him out, Dana, Farfowl. It's Carvey for Christ's sake.

Point to names, I think you might appreciate this, not hysterical, but I love the modern Dracula. We all, we sometimes, people grew up with Bella Lugosi. I'm Dracula. So then the modern Dracula is like the Euro trash trench coat in the cool haircut. Yes, he got cooler. And they're like, who are you? Who are you?

They're scared and they say, I'm Dracula. From Dracula to Dracula. It was, you're doing the, what's his name? Oh, my friend. Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman. Yeah, my friend from the Oscars. Yes.

The Gary Oldman. Dracul. Yeah, he was like, I'm Vlad Dracul. And how do you spell that? D-A-R-A-C-U-L-A. Well, why, why does it go cool? I don't know. It's just Dracul.

This is what I do. I talk like Dracul, I'm a Dracula man. Let me do this for you because I realize a lot of my stuff is because I'm passive aggressive, nice guy and damage for my childhood. So I do these aggressive things. I've known that about you. In my life. Ever since the day I met you.

Well, when did you meet me? Did you write it down in a calendar? I'm so sorry. There it is again. But I use, I love these movies. It's the late 19th century, the science symposium in London and the guys, the scientist up there in front of all of his peers is like, well, I propose that mankind is actually descendant from a monkey.

And then you hear all the hubbub and that kind of stuff, they are old poppycock. And then they always say, what you suggest is nothing short of madness, which I love. You offend man and God himself. And before they leave, they always say, good day to you sir. Which is basically fuck you sir. So I use that. It was their version of it. It was their version of fuck you sir.

You go to a laundry mat. We don't have your jacket ready. Well, you suggest it's nothing short of madness. You offend man and God himself. Good day to you, madam. And one other thing, fuck you. And fuck you, madam. It's good.

Not literally. Let's fornicate here on the floor. Fuck me, madam. So that makes me happy because I am passive aggressive, nice guy. We're such a strange guy. Okay, let's talk about, well, because it makes my brain happy. Everything I do, I know it's redundant for people who are fans of this, these miniature podcast, but I like repetition.

No. It makes my brain happy. You know, let's assume not everybody listens to everyone because studies have shown the thing. Aww. No, studies have shown they listen to one and they decide, I'll never do that again. But that's fine. Right.

One of the things that I've known you for such a long time, I met you I think in 1988. Yes. And I remember standing in the writer's room at Sound Out Live when you walked in with Kevin Neal and you were immediately incredibly nice and funny and generous and sweet to me. Why not? Yeah. But. I felt you were no threat.

I go, here's another guy off the bus. It looks like I'll be in the cold opening for a long time to come. You probably did, but you know it's funny. He came out and said, I'm from Hobbit. I did not. I know. Go ahead. But I've always loved that you, you are a very nice person, but you've got that thing

inside that you are, you have this inner aggression, you have this inner anger and it comes out in the funniest ways. Like you torment people. Like you used to just torment John Lovitz all the time. I know. You'd torment John Lovitz. But he loved it. I, well, you know, John and I had this, we acknowledged the competition that we were

in. John Lovitz wanted to be, he was worried that you would surpass him as a star and you would get in his brain and fuck with him and fuck with him and fuck with him. And he kind of would love it. I'd say, John, your only job is to figure out if there's anything in the world of show business that I can't do. So he sees me up there doing the drum soloist at church late and goes, he's right. What can't he do?

So I would tease him like that. And then when he left the show and he's doing movies, well, I just like to do my sketches in front of 20 million people. But that's just me. I'm a nut that way. And it's a drive him crazy. But John would come back at me. It wasn't just like he's in the corner crying.

He loved that. No, you guys had a very fun, it was fun to watch you. We were laughing our ass off. You would torment him. He would try to torment you, but you would always come out on top. That's what I remember. And he wanted me to come out on top. As Jeff Bridges said at the Golden Globes, we're alive, man.

We're alive. Greatest acceptance speech I've ever seen. Sees to be the Mill Award. We're alive, man. No cannabis had reached his brain. That's just who he is. So he's constantly excited that he's alive. I've talked to people, do movies with him.

And then at the end they go on his trailer and I don't know if there's a couple drinks or whatever. They hold hands and they bounce up and down and he goes, we're not dead yet. We're not dead yet. We're alive, man. That's not true. Jeff Bridges does this. This is what I heard.

Are we in for a lawsuit? We're alive, man. Conan. Don't future trip me here now, dude. You're with me. Have a Dana burger. I don't know where it's going. But no, but what a nice outlook he has.

I know. I love him. I think he's good. And the times I've run into him out just out in the world, he is that guy. He's really happy to see you. He's really happy eating the sandwich he's eating. He's really happy. You feel it.

The pigeon that just flew by. It's all good. Yeah. I had some calamari a little while back when I had some teeter tops, about 300 of them, dipped them in the hot sauce. I don't always use the ketchup or eat the hot sauce. Then I had some banana chips and many cat bars and painted them in a nam and sort of a dub bar.

50-50, that's half vanilla, half orange sugar, that's a good old boy. You know what people can't see? I have to rub my stomach. People can't see. Jeff Bridges. You are, and you're not even rubbing your stomach. You're rubbing under your nipples. Sort of, it's kind of where you go, good morning, good morning.

I always tell people, and I've done this, just because we all live in this world of we're living these crazy lives and we see people on Instagram and they're normally celebrities on yachts and they're partying and even though I'm a millionaire, I mean I'm incredibly rich. So if I levitate the room today or play to dead silence, there's no effect on my life at all. I just drive home to be honest. Sure. That's between us.

I'll never get out. Look at this, if you look at a celebrity and you're jealous, remember one thing, celebrities have kidneys and kidneys can fail. That's your big revelation? That was my big revelation, because I see someone I'm so jealous, oh, they got organs and maybe they are not going to be operational all the time. It's a little dark. Yeah, it's very dark.

Why isn't that special? I'm going to throw in one of those every 8.2 minutes. Are you still, is that the one you get requested after all these years, do people still want to hear Church Lady? Church Lady, Garth, Chopin Broccoli, George Bush Sr. occasionally Ross Perot. From my senior with Snow on the Top crowd. I did a little club the other night and I got Chopin Broccoli and the Church Lady. So that would be an older crowd that likes that or young kids go for it too.

Now that there's YouTube, they see that stuff, right? Yeah. My former assistant, Julie May, her son saw my 97th special anyway, where I do a grumpy old man as a baby. When you have a little toddler, it's like you've adopted a 100-year-old man, you know? Yeah, don't try going to a movie because pretty soon I'm going to start crying. So now the kid is using that against his parents, he's like seven, I'm going to start crying. But I'm always flattered, like I was saying a minute ago.

The only thing worse than having people yell out your hits is not having hits. I know. Let's let that settle. We don't have to rush this. I know. I know. But life is good. I had a friend who's like, he's his favorite expression is it's all good, man.

It's all good. I go, is it all good? Really? Isn't some of it kind of a shit show? And he just says it's all good. Now, let me guess, is he from Southern California, Arizona, one of those places where we've always been warm? Probably.

Sorry, is that, did I offend you? What? Did I offend someone? I thought maybe I offended you. No, both of us. Well, Sona. So I'm not an ire from Southern California. Yeah, you're both from Southern California and you both-

Shallow. Sona, yeah. In the shallow, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. We did it before. It's a funny song. In the shallows, la, la, la. But is that true?

Is it true that you have more of a, hey, man, it's all good attitude, and I'm from Boston, and no one has it, it's all good attitude. We all think it's bad. Well, you know, you make me happy, I'm not from Boston. Yeah. Sinusism is a comic gift, though. I'm sorry. And maybe you need someone to counteract that.

That's probably why you guys work so well together. Do we work well together? Yeah, I think so. Yeah. Hey, I read some of the reviews and they mentioned the chemistry between you three. That's nice. I noticed. I'm starting to re, listen to the episodes.

It's combusted. Wait, you've only started listening to them? I don't listen or see anything. I'm like, I'm just watching The Sopranos or 2001. I don't really. So you don't know what I've been up to since I left Star and Out Live in 91? Not in particular. So Conan, what you been up to?

It was masturbating bear. Yeah. And now, now you're here. Yeah, exactly. Uh, yeah. No one's produced more comedy. You just think I'm a Simpsons writer that has a podcast. I love you.

I love you in this platform, in this vehicle. If I was a talent manager, I would say that Conan has many skill sets. You know, my name is Sammy Snotner and Conan O'Brien can operate on a lot of different platforms that you can monetize. And this is one area that I think this could be some real monobot monosenters. Do you think I could, is there other areas I could get into? Well, you know, can you sing kid? When you're singing with a guitar, we could monetize you there on the platform.

I can sing a little bit. Button up your overcoat, when the wind blows free, take good care of yourself, you belong to me. Odeo-deo-deo. Yeah? What do you think? Uh, I love it. Where'd the manager go?

I thought the manager was going to then want me or not want me. We always like to monetize talent, you know, like when Elvis, he was a good looking kid and we monetized in the best way we can with Conan O'Brien. I think there's many platforms, many platforms and ways to exploit him if you will monetarily. One of them is the podcast because he's witty, he's got a self-deplicating wit that just falls right. It's like tomatoes out of a truck, you understand? And he's got a tomato...

Tomatoes fall off a truck. Because he looks like a tomato. Well, I frankly, there's an orangeish thing about him, a sort of a pale reddish tomato vibe about him. But I love to monetize Conan. You know, with the Conoco and all the videos from 1991, they're still making coin, they're still making money, the kids are rediscovering it. This guy, can I ask you, this guy sounds like he has a ham, an uncooked ham in his larynx.

There's an uncooked ham in his larynx that he can't get on this watch. I don't know why he came in here Conan and is sitting next to me. Sammy, you're hogging my mic, please. Well, I didn't mean to hug you, Mike. I just want to say a little Conan. I was here, you know, I'm here with... Her name's Sona. No, I was thinking I'm going to do what I call one of these short form, you know, history

Hollywood podcasts with Mark Gerwitz and other people. And we're going to talk about, you know, how the business has changed and platforming and, you know, sort of what you would call packaging, which is a big controversy. When you just name-dropped Mark Gerwitz, Mark Gerwitz, you know who you pleased? No one. I couldn't think my brain went dead. Hey, he just name-checked Mark Gerwitz. He's a good, he's great, he's your agent, right?

Agent or manager. Oh man, what's the difference? I don't know. I got my 10 percenters. Are you frightened of life Conan? No, I'm not. You're not frightened really. You don't have any fear of flying, like I'm terrible.

I am very good at, I think, giving it up to the higher authority. I'll try. You know what frightens me, to be honest, and this isn't a bit? Things that are within my control frighten me. Wow. But things that are out of my control, I'm pretty good at saying, I don't know if that engine of that plane falls off and I'm on. What would I possibly do about it?

And I do actually think a lot about how I, as long as I'm not blamed, meaning at my funeral, if people say, hey, it wasn't his fault, I'm okay. But if it was my fault, then my death would be a great shame. So you should never get your pilot's license, because then they're ostensibly if the pilot's passed out. I see, yeah. I would not get a pilot's license. Yeah.

I was just thinking, and again, this goes back to me being a baby boomer, but a friend and I once talked about fear and really, I said that the movie star John Wayne, his character, which is iconic, what I loved about it was not only was the character never afraid, he was furious at the idea of having any fear. And that's where I'd want to get to, so it'd be like him and Walter Brennan, you know, we gotta, well Duke, we gotta take the submarine down, we can't, it's gonna explode, Duke. I said take her down, Pappy, but Duke, we won't survive. I said take her down, you'll take her down, Pappy.

I mean, just- Right, right. I want to be that. But just accept, but he doesn't even accept for a second that I know, you know, John Wayne doesn't say, I know it's risky. No. I know it's risky and we could lose our lives. He's angry.

He's angry at the idea of fear. Well, there's 10,000 Indians in two of us, Duke. I said attack, Pappy, you'll attack, and then we went to John Wayne as the pope, and sometimes I got downed, Duke. You'll believe what I tell you to believe, Pappy, you'll know you'll believe, and I'll show you the belief. But how do we know that God really exists? I'll just believe what I tell you.

He exists, Pappy. Don't make me do what I did last time, but he never says what that is. Don't make me do it again, Pappy, but Duke, I'm scared. I'm scared that this is way from what it really is, the body and blood of Christ, you think it really is? Well, I think so, Pappy. Hey, a little doubt came in. A little doubt came in.

So you have a problem with transubstantiation, eh? Transubstantiation, you're headed in a minute, Conan. Yeah, it's weird, you're the pope, and you can't say transubstantiation. That's really strange to me. Isn't it cool that the pope is really worried about poor people, and I think he sincerely is, but he lives in a billion dollar house. That's just fun. Oh, yeah.

And also, everything he owns and sits on is bejeweled. Everything. It is encrusted with jewels. See, were you raised Catholic, right? Oh my God, yeah. Super Catholic. Super Catholic. So was my wife.

I was raised Lutheran, where I, it's not even a joke. When I was in there, I could tell that most people pretty much didn't believe it. Like, even the hymns were kind of agnostic. I'll believe if you believe. I'll believe if you believe. On Sunday, I believe. By Wednesday, I have doubts. But Sunday, I believe again.

Oh, I'll believe if you believe. Oh yeah. Oh, I'll believe if you believe. Oh yeah. Oh, I'll believe if you believe. I'll believe if you believe it. I'll believe if you believe. I'll believe if you believe.

Oh, I have doubts but I don't care. The other day, I lost my underwear. This song is no longer about faith. I'm ruining Dana's bit, I'm being very silly. I'm her shit but la da da. No more stinking thinking from Conan. You're great and you know it, going home-en. What?

Going home-en? You're from the northeast. I got some yeast in my crotch and groin and in my toes. Oh, well that's all the time we have today, it's true. My favorite lunch in school was beef au jus. This is an episode already. This is an episode. Are you wasting a lot of time?

Did I? Huh? Oh, but I had my plans in my papers. I've got my paper. This is Dana, he has a paper that looks like he's had it for about 40 years. And he's written all these crazy little bits he wants to do. And you know what?

He's afraid of just letting go and improvising in the moment. Well, some people have so many ideas, they need to categorize them. Others, their notepads are empty, bare, and a crutch can help you, but a crutch can help you who can go higher on this character. I can get higher. We're alive, man, that's all I know. I'm alive.

We should, we gotta end every podcast with Jeff Bridges just reminding us that we're alive. We're alive, man. Let's just be like a button that you push. And this has been Conan Flying. All right, now I'm here with Dana Carvey. That's the end of our little mini episode. Tune in for another one.

We're having a lot of fun, and no one's getting hurt. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song. Incidental music by Jimmy Vavina.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and the show is engineered by Will Bekton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review featured on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 323-451-2821 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.

And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend on Apple Podcasts, where wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a Team Coco production in association with Earwolf.