Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Deep Dive with Dana Carvey 5

Episode Date: September 2, 2019

Conan and Dana revisit Hitler, Elvis and the Kennedys in the bunker. Tracing the evolution of the rock star. Jimmy Stewart gets lucky.This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp (www.betterhelp.com/conan code: CONAN), Atoms (www.atoms.com/CONAN), KiwiCo (www.kiwico.com/CONAN), and MyBookie (www.mybookie.ag code: conan).

Hello, this is Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Deep Dive, with Dana Carvey. Hey, Dana. Glad to be here, Conan. It's a six-part mini-series where I, Conan O'Brien, along with occasional help from my assistant Sonam Obsession, and my producer, Matt Gorley, go deep into the weeds with one of my favorite comedians and friends, Dana Carvey. Enjoy. Well, I'm a very happy person, because once again I'm sitting with Dana Carvey, and we're

just having a blast making these mini-episodes, acting like fools, and not worrying about a thing. You know? Yes. Dana, I want to ask you a question. I took orders. Can I ask you a question? Yes.

I don't want to interrupt. Go ahead. Go, Conan. Conan, what's wrong? I like in movies where they say the guy's name every second, Conan, say something, Conan. What's wrong, Conan? I just thought that maybe... Hey, Conan.

Hey, Conan. You know, you brought up something on one of the other episodes. About comedy. Well, you brought up something that I wanted to riff on just for a second, because it got me thinking. You were talking about how John Wayne in movies doesn't know, not only doesn't know fear, but is angry at the very idea of fear. Which I love.

Yeah. And you did a thing where it's like, you know, Walter Brenner's like, if the stuff goes any deeper, we're going to blow up. And he's just like... Well, we'll go deeper. Take her down, Pappy. Yeah. And he just doesn't care.

We'll explode out of the ocean. Get out of my face, Pappy. I can't explode. I don't care. Yeah. And so I was listening to that, and it was reminding me that my favorite villains, see if you know what I'm talking about, my favorite villains in movies are ones who they have a meticulous plan, and then someone comes in the room and tells them that the whole plan

has been ruined by something they didn't foresee. And the villain is intrigued, rather than being... Rather than upset. And my favorite one of all time, my favorite one of all time is in Die Hard, the villain. Alan Rickman. Alan Rickman. Hans Gruber. Hans Gruber.

And so Hans Gruber. Hans Gruber has been working on a plan to steal the money from this building, and he's been working on the plan, I think, for about four years, and they've thought it out to the second. And then they've got it all worked out perfectly. And then a guy comes running in the room and says, we didn't count on this, but there's a policeman loose in the building, he has a gun, he's killing our men, he has the charges that we need to blow up the safe that everything depends on, and we have no idea where he is

or who he is. And Hans Gruber, the normal reaction will be like, fuck, fuck, we're out, get out, everyone get the fuck out, get the fuck, let's get back to Germany, everybody, let's get back. But instead, they tell him this, and Hans Gruber goes, intriguing, and I'm like, what? And then they come in later on, and they say, well, he just blew up this, and he blew up that. This policeman, I must come to know him, but he's like, no, no, no, no, you're so screwed, and up to the point where at the end of the movie, he's finally punched off the building

and he's falling to his death, but he's firing his gun, he's still firing his gun going like, hmm, I'm intrigued by this policeman who's taken my life from me. How many times, and I know comedians have done this bit, I'm sure, but how many times can they still do it and make it believable where the good people are caught, the bad guys tied them all up, and some fuse them off or whatever, and they're like, goodbye, Mr. Bond, they always leave the room to allow them. And the other one I love is when some old movie, and then they meet the stranger, and the stranger walks away, and they go, hey, mister, what do they call you?

And he turns, and he goes, Abe, Abe Lincoln, I love that, or would Dr. Love lace, Dr. Love lace of Wild, Wild West, the dwarf genius, oh, yeah, well, what happened to him, I don't know, he said, oh, he was talking gibberish, said something about a, it's like 1860, something about a television, he was like, he's gone. That's the big twist at the end. He's gonna invent it. No, I do love that old trope of, mister, you never told us your name. My name, Gandhi.

You just kicked the shit out of everyone in town, what's your name? Gandhi. Yeah, it doesn't quite have the same ring if you're like, hey, mister, what's your name? Genghis. Genghis Khan. And John Wayne did play Genghis Khan. John Wayne in one of the worst casting decisions of all time played Genghis Khan in a movie, and they gave him, yes, he played Genghis Khan, and they gave him, yes, they did, like he,

they asianized his eyes, it was pretty, it was something you, you should look it up online and just behold what happened in America in the past. Can I do a brief, because we did a brief. You can do whatever you want. This is a brief revisit to the idea of Hitler, Bobby and Jack Kennedy, and Elvis, who faked their death and are in a bunker beneath Las Vegas, taking youth pills, awaiting their chance to emerge to the surface and dominate the world. Yeah, this old bit, it's been ripped off by everyone.

Like, who doesn't have this bit, Chappelle closed his special with this bit, but I just wanted to extend you one little part. Bobby Kennedy is, I know people are listening right now, what, Bobby Kennedy is trying to teach Adolf Hitler how to speak English, and everyone's a little frustrated with the process. Because they've been in this bunker for a long time. They've been in this bunker, they faked their death 60, 70 years ago, and they've been in this bunker a long time, and they've got to get Hitler up to speed, you know.

So Elvis is like, Bobby, come on, you're wasting your time, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna put on a dress, go up the shaft, elevator, get some Dunkin Donuts, what about you, Jack, you want something? I would like a glazed donut before this evening's over. I don't ask for it because it's easy, I ask because it's hard. Why do you always say that last part? I don't know, I just kind of like it. Bobby, what about you?

No, Bobby, what about you? I'm pretty close to teaching Elvis some basic words, you want to see? Bobby hasn't learned one word in 70 years, come on, you're kidding yourself. I'm teaching Adolf. I'm teaching Adolf. I'm teaching Adolf a new word, here it is, Adolf, repeat after me, butterscotch, butterscotch. You see, Elvis, do you hear what he said, butterscotch, butterscotch. That doesn't sound another like butterscotch, try, try something like cotton candy.

Elvis, sorry, Hitler, say. It's hard to keep track of everyone, isn't it? It's been 70 years. Hitler, say cotton candy, cotton candy. Oh, wow, he suddenly gets really good. I have a question, why can't they, I mean I understand why Hitler cannot come to the surface, but why can't the rest of them come to the surface? Well, because they look like they did from the 60s, so they have to wear disguises to

go up. You haven't thought this through. Well, they're in the bunker and they're waiting and their plot is to take over the world, but you know. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, Jack, what exactly are we going to do with the world? Take it over. We will do things that people do when they take over planets.

What exactly is that, Jack? We will find out when we cross that bridge. We don't do it because it's easy, we do it because it's hard. I really wish you wouldn't say that. Is this going to make the cut? No, no, no, listen to me. Here's what's great. Here's what's great.

Here's what's great. God damn it. No, no, no, stop it. Stop throwing your paper around. You don't need this. This isn't necessary. Yeah, but we can do authentic. I know, I know.

But listen to me. Here's what I want to say to you. Yes. Here's what I want to say to you. Okay, Conan. The whole point of. Of life. The whole point of life.

The whole point of screwing around in comedy is not knowing where it's going or why. And often the funniest ideas don't have a reason for existing. There is not a good. It's hilarious to have all those guys in the bunker together under Las Vegas. You don't need. Why are they there? It's not important. Don't want to know.

I think the subconscious reacts to things like this. And if it is subconscious, it can last. It can be repeated and it can go on and on. Like a little thing I did called shopping broccoli. I like to do bits that are better 40 years later. Secret ego coming out. He always had confidence. You know, we knew underneath that we was someone we could monetize.

Sorry, go ahead. That was Scotty flop. No, whatever. That's the manager character you go into every day. Yes, but you're a totally a kindred spirit, Conan. I remember the last time I was on your show, I was getting the makeup chair and I looked up at the monitor and there was no sound. And I just saw a profile of you.

I couldn't hear what you were doing, but you were so committed. It really, that was the hardest I've laughed a long time. That's nice. You know how you'd go to that gear of just the salting abstract madness. I have. Well, you have it too. That's why you have super fans. We have a gear.

We have a gear where I will commit all the way and at that point you don't care what happens. You just know I'm going to seven and if people hate it or 11 or whatever you want to say, you're going to go there and if they despise it later on, that's not important now. Now I'm just going to go to 11 and see what happens. Well, what I always try to do when I do stand up and I'm not feeling funny at all, I try to make myself laugh when I get to the mic by saying something will make me laugh. So it could be something really, you know, whatever. Because the whole conceit of the idea of the clown being funny and here comes the funny

and he's being funny. Oh, quiet. He's being funny. Makes yourself conscious. Makes yourself conscious. So to get out of it, you know, you just need to be kind of crazy. You know, I've found recently over the, it took me like years to get to this point. Yes.

But the other day, you know, I'm doing the monologue and I, all I do, I don't do much of a joke monologue anymore. I just try and screw around as much as I can. Right. But I had like three jokes and they were about Trump and his taxes. Because that was in the news. Have to do it. And I felt like you feel like I'm only doing this because people expect this.

So I did the first joke and it kind of got like, and I actually said, don't worry, this part will be over soon. And they laughed harder at that than they did at the joke. Yes. And then I did the second one. And I said, yep, almost there. And then I did the third, you know, and I started to just basically say, yeah, this, I'm here.

I'm very aware that you're not finding this that amusing. Right. Because there's 1750 late night talk shows and I'm the 751st person tonight to talk about Trump and his taxes. So let's just do this quickly. None of us are happy about this algebra assignment, but let's get it done and get on to the fun stuff. I had this because I was being honest about it.

I think, I don't know, it just made it more enjoyable for me and I think maybe made it more enjoyable for them. I love that this is the life. It's like trying to catch the wind comedy. You never graduate. You never finish. And there's always some other level of confidence you can get to where you're just completely existing.

You're not self-conscious. The second voice is quiet. So I love that here you are 4,000 hours later, still taking a little chance or twisting your thing. I don't even think the mics were on, but we were talking. That's when the best stuff happens, unfortunately. I'm not, I'll be honest. But you said, you said it's paper tissue in a fireplace.

In a fireplace. It's that quick, meaning you kill. You say it. Yeah. Well, yeah. He's going to kill. He's going to kill. And then it's like there's 10 minutes later and I thought you killed and the people, hey,

good set. And then a lot of times you're just in a car pretty quickly after that by yourself in the back. And it's like Dustin Hoffman after he gets Catherine Ross and the graduate like, okay, all right. And then you can't be like the Stones or anyone else and just wind down on these 10 songs and see how well you can play them for 60 years. I saw Sting's going to play his songs and we have to come up with new variations and

new combinations. This is something, I don't think we've talked about this, but I think you're the same way. I'm so envious of musicians. Oh, we'd love to have done that. Because you and I, I think both, if we could have, if we could have been musicians, would have done it because it is something, because I've always thought this. I've done gigs, done, you know, benefits or things and a really big rock star.

I'll be the comic and they're really big rock stars there and it's a Sting or it's a Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. It's a John Mayer or it's a John Mayer. So I'll do my thing and I am judge joke to joke. You're only as good as your bit. And so like, oh, I love that. That one, not so great.

Oh, that one's really good. Not so much that one. And you're, you feel like you're fighting for your life the whole time. Then you get off and then you see the Sting come out and he goes, every breath you take, every move you make and people are just like, oh my God. This is fantastic. Now is he sweating backstage? Yeah.

I wonder how this is going to go. I'll do it. No, he's not. If I ever lose my faith in you, yeah, and we're up there just dancing like clowns and dancing for our breakfast. And I see them backstage and they're just strapping on their instrument and they know. They're all tuned up. Yep.

Ready to go. Someone else has tuned their guitar or their bass. They're all good. It is interesting. Someone, you know, as the evolution of a rock star or pop star, like they'll, you know, in the early days, they'd have their shirts off, you know, and then it's a shirt, maybe button really low, and then eventually there's a cummerbund underneath the shirt. And then with it, there's a scarf around the neck and maybe some jewels and things.

It's like this magic trick. I'm not 75, you know. Well, you know, who's doing that is, you know, Aerosmith Steven Tyler, Steven Tyler has been adding clothing. Yeah. It's like a magician of black pooch magic. Yeah. And now I do think I really.

Look over here. I think if you, if a truck hit him, like white doves would just fly out. I think there's, he's, he's got like live birds in there. He's got a whole women's department store would explode and doves would be flying around and there'd be headbands and under. Can I say something about that? I saw him on a motorcycle with a woman and my wife and I both went, is that Steven Tyler? We couldn't figure it out.

Then we looked at the motorcycle and the motorcycle had scarves tied around it. Yeah. And we went, of course that's it. I saw. It's kind of smart though. You know, I mean. I thought I saw Steven Tyler in a hardware store, but it was a broom. I saw a ladies mannequin.

But we don't have that thing. We were never sex symbols. I mean, maybe you were more than me being tall and strapping. You were the sex symbol Conan. Jacked with a. I'm like a funny little clown. Wait, what happened? What happened?

What did you say? It just goes all night. You went. I'm not even there and it just takes off and goes. Can we get a playback on that? Cause that was like a zap. Definitively no we could not. What I said was not sexual.

What I meant was my penis leaves at night and goes and does things and not sexy things. Like Batman? What? Like Batman? It fights crime occasionally. Well, let's do another. But it also sometimes runs up charges. It goes places and it orders very expensive Italian meal.

This dovetails into another quick episode of Jimmy Stewart having. Conan's happy already. Someone's going to perform oral sex on Jimmy Stewart. I guess it was Catherine Hepburn. We did this on a long time ago. You did Jimmy Stewart and he's. You led me to the bit with your tan dancing dick. That's okay.

I've known. There was no criticism. Mr. Defenso. Defenso 9000. It made me laugh. Yeah. So anyway, I'm just, I'm just setting you up. This is your.

Yeah. So are you going to take us to the next level with Jimmy Stewart here? I'm going to do some variations on this. But basically to the listeners, I don't like blue graphic stuff, but I love sexual stuff that's done in an abstract way. So this is Jimmy Stewart sitting back about someone's about, Catherine Hepburn is about to perform oral sex on him and he decides to verbally go a different way. Wow.

Perfect setup. Yeah. And curtain up. Yeah. Yeah. Well, this is kind of fun. Yeah. Well, just, well, just, well, let's not rush it today.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just look at it. Would you? Yeah. Yeah. Just look at it for a while.

Well, now look, look the other way. Look away. No. Just think of something else. Think of a hat of lettuce or a cucumber. Well, that would be too sexual. And now look back at it. Yeah.

See, I like, I like when I see the surprise in your eyes. But you have to not look at it so you can be surprised to look at it. Well, here, here's a couple dollars. Oh, I want you to go, go down to the street and I want you to go to the five and die and get yourself a malted and get me a payday bar. Yeah. I'll wait here. Now, well, welcome back.

Well, don't, don't look at it yet. It's been 17 minutes. All right, give me the payday bar. All right, now look back at it. Well, that's, that's what gets me off. That's what I like. I like the surprise in your eyes because you forgot what it was. You went to the candy store.

Now you see it for the first time. You got, you got what I call fresh eyes. So that's part two. That's part two. That's part two. So wait a minute, wait a minute. She has to leave you. Are they sitting in a car?

I don't know where they are. I pictured them in a car. I had them on an apartment in a couch, but right, initially it was in a car. Now I'm feeling like he's in a, they're both in a car and he's, and now we'll, well, while Katherine Hepburn is gone, getting, she's out getting. Getting stuff. The malted and the payday bar. Yes.

Is he sitting there with his genitals exposed? Yes. He's just sitting there with his manhood, very, very friendly in a friendly position, just waiting. And the turn on for Jimmy is that she's, she's going to forget, so she's not going to remember what it looks like. But you know what kills me about this is that when, when he is, when he does say that that arouses him, he sounds like, he doesn't sound aroused at all.

No. You know what I mean? His voice, I know that's what I love about. I hate to be overly analytical. But I just love that he's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're like, wait a minute, that's not, I don't get a sense of someone blood rushing to that area. No, it doesn't, it's not really sexual in a sense, right? No, no, I think that's what's so funny about it.

I just like to see the surprise in your eyes. I mean, I like it when you're, you just don't, you don't remember it. And I like when you come back and maybe in the back of your mind, you have a name for it, but you don't want to tell me right. You can name it anything you want, it's yours, but that's all I'm asking is in the big scheme of things, you know, I'm nothing but a scurvy little spider, and you can call it anything you want. All I ask is you don't touch it because that's when the game is over, everything changes.

You know, people call it foreplay, I call it life. But what happens if he's in the car, what happens if he's in the car and Mr. Potter in his wheelchair comes by and bangs on his window, what did he sound like? I'm trying to remember like, hey you, your father was nothing but a loser. I just think, Jimmy's in there waiting and he's got it, he's exposed, you know, what, you know, he's pounding on the window and Jimmy's waiting for Catherine Hepburn to come back and get his, and he's waiting for his, oh Jesus Christ, it's Mr. Potter. Now, let me grab my cardigan and lay it over my friend down here, that'll cover up, let

me roll down the window. Look at you, is your penis exposed? Oh, that's all in your imagination. You know, your eyes, it's not so good, you're pretty old, you know, I've got a cardigan on my lap, that's all, there's nothing under there. I saw what I saw. You're a sick man, Potter, I always wanted to say this to you, well fuck you, there it is, I'm no longer, that's the lost ending, that's the other lost ending.

You know what they said, he just loses it on Potter? I can hear the reviews, Dana Carvey leaning on characters from 1965, John Wayne and Jimmy Stewart amongst them. I just love that, well I saw, I saw you naked from the waist down George Bailey. I just love that he, well this is, you know, I often think, and maybe this isn't the funniest part of the idea, but as you get older, you hear words like enabling and people pleasing and you go, well maybe Mr. Potter was like self-actualized, he drew strong boundaries, you know, he was just loaning money to people so they could buy houses, Jimmy Stewart was

passive aggressive, he was bitter, he enabled Uncle Billy to stay an alcoholic and lose the money. Yeah, he's a classic enabler. Yeah, a classic enabler, well I just wanted to have a, you could have a drink, you know. What am I going to tell him, he can't have a cocktail for crying out loud. Kind of dystopian world, do we live? My prayer and hope is that people in their 20s will go, well look up, it's a wonderful life.

You see Jimmy Stewart and go, oh that was really funny, what are you doing? Right now it's just a funny old man. You don't know, you see, you have this voice in your head that's constantly, you know what, you have these two, the two old men in the balcony at the Muppets are sitting in your head and every time you do a hilarious bit, you yourself go, no one's going to know that, they're going to hate it and it's not true, you don't need to do that, I'm your therapist now. No, I'm the yin and the yang, I got two sides of my brain, one is very joyous, happy and

the other one is like that, so it squeezes through and out comes, well fuck you. That's just, the way it goes up is the funny part to me, but anyway we're wrapping up this episode. We're going to wrap up this episode. Conan needs more friends, we've just changed the title because I'm a friend and that's one. If I've got you, I don't need anyone else. Thank you Conan.

We're doing this again, we're messing around, none of it means anything, we're alive man. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sonam of Sessian and Conan O'Brien as himself. Produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sacks and Jeff Ross at Team Cocoa and Chris Bannon and Colin Anderson at Earwolf. Special thanks to Jack White for the theme song, incidental music by Jimmy Vavino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and the show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

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