Conan O’Brien Needs A Friend - Deon Cole Returns

Episode Date: September 23, 2024

Comedian and actor Deon Cole feels amazing about being Conan O’Brien’s friend.Deon sits down with Conan once more to talk about his new standup special Ok, Mister, why the best comedy is rooted in a unique perspective, getting an unexpected invite to NASCAR, and leading an extraordinarily talented cast with his series Average Joe. Later, Conan lets ChatGPT take the reins with an AI-generated final segment. For Conan videos, tour dates and more visit TeamCoco.com.Got a question for Conan? Call our voicemail: [phone]. Get access to all the podcasts you love, music channels and radio shows with the SiriusXM App! Get 3 months free using this show link https://siriusxm.com/conan and code CONAN.

Hi, my name is Dion Cole and I feel amazing about being Colonel Bryan's friend. Well, I'm glad you say that. Yes. Because we've known each other, I think it's been 50 years since I first met you. I think I was three, yes. I was three when we met and they were like, what are you doing with that white stranger? Who's that white lady, you know? Dion?

Stay close, Dion. I don't want you wandering away. Farley's here, hear the yell. Back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walk and lose, climb the fence, books and pens. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.

And I'm sorry, every time I say hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. And I'm sorry, every time I say, hey there and welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, Matt, you do a little look to Sona, you share this little look, and you've been doing it for five years. And it's making me angry. Do you wanna know what it is? I think we're looking at each other to see, are we gonna laugh? But what is it?

What is it that's so funny about me saying, hey there? Well, because your voice drops, and you get very kind of pseudo broadcast. You go, hey there. I don't think it's that bad. No, I'm exaggerating for effect, but you do change your voice a little bit. I just, so what would it-

After the shenanigans. That's the thing. That's the part. So shenanigans. After all these, you do a lot of things that are just bananas. I do a lot of weird stuff before we start rolling. Yes.

And then I think it's, that's it. It's the transition. Yes. Because I was just going on some crazy series of tics, microaggressions, throwing props around, and then all of a sudden it stops. And I go, hey there, welcome to... And that's why you look at each other. And there's also this feeling of like,

we're two kids in school trying not to laugh during class. You know what I mean? Yeah, or in church. Yeah. Yeah, we got the church giggles. Did you, when you were in church growing up, you went to church regularly? No, no.

So how do you, yeah, it's like when you're in church, oh, you went to church? I never did. I heard of the church giggles. They wouldn't let her in. It'd be like, not you. No, I went for Easter.

And then, you know, I'm Armenian. I went to like a wedding every weekend or a funeral. Right. Quickly, because I stopped, I didn't get to say, oh, and Sona's here and Matt's here, blah, blah, blah. And that's probably what I'm gonna do from now on. But I'm interested in this because I'm thinking now about growing up and going to St. Lawrence Church But I'm interested in this because I'm thinking now

about growing up and going to St. Lawrence Church on Route 9 in Brookline with my family every Sunday. And when you're a kid, all I was trying to do was think of things that would make my brothers and sisters laugh. Oh God. And what I realized was foolproof was to full on commit to singing the songs. And what's great is you can't get in trouble for that.

You know what I mean? You can't, it wasn't me like doing faces or anything like that. It was just me full on committing to whatever the song we were singing in. Hosanna here in the highest. And if anyone got, gave me a look, it's like, hey, what's wrong with you?

I'm filled with the spirit of Christ. You can't get mad at me. It was foolproof. Yeah. I loved it. When you guys came to church, was even the priest like, oh, fuck, the whole brightens up.

Oh my God, I'll tell you exactly what would happen. I will tell you, you know what I'll do? I'll tell you exactly what happened. Okay, picture this, you know, Mass is at, you know, 1030 in the morning, St. Lawrence Church, Route 9, Brookline Mass, it starts at 1030 and the O'Brien's, and remember there's six of us plus my parents, plus my grandmother at one point.

So nine of us would come crashing in. Of course we're late! I think I've mentioned this before, I never saw the beginning of a movie, because my father was, people who knew my dad used to call it O'Brien time, Dr. O'Brien time. We were late for everything. It was not the kids, it was your dad? No call it O'Brien time, Dr. O'Brien time. We were late for everything.

It was not the kids, it was your dad? No, it was not the kids. It was, you know, so we, anyway, we'd all get piled into this one goofy station wagon and we'd go up route nine and we would come in late. Now, if you come in late at a Catholic mass, and I'm thinking this goes for everything. I think if you came in late at temple, if you came,

you know, whatever, whatever religion we're talking about, my guess is that you sort of stay in the back, right? Yeah, yeah. No, my father wouldn't, he wanted to be upfront. And so my father would be late and he would just start going and be like, let's just sit back here, there's a pew weight back here.

And he'd make a face, a big smile, so no, and he'd be like, follow me, follow me! And we had to follow him, and he'd be going, he kept going, and people were looking. And it's like, oh my god, here's the fucking O'Brien hillbillies. And my grandmother's with us going, oh Moses, oh Moses.

And we're like making our way down, it's this crazy procession. And then he would take like third row from the front and push people over. And we'd all be like, dad, he's like, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. And then of course, you know, I would get it. And then the redheaded one starts singing obnoxiously.

Yeah, and then the one that looks like a little Lucille ball with broken teeth would insist, I would insist on like, okay, fucker, you had me sit two rows back when we're 20 minutes late. We're almost at the Eucharist, which is supposed to be two thirds of the way through. So I'd be like, Hosanna in the highest! Hosanna in the highest!

And the, oh my god, they hated us. Oh my god, I would be like, if I worked at that church, I'd be like, just tell the O'Briens we're closed. You know what they should have done? They should have moved you like a disgraced priest to another parish. You know what they should have done? They should have just put like an axe handle

through the door when church started. And my father would have been like shaking. You know, it would have been like the graduate where Dustin Hoffman puts a thing through so that the parents can't get at him and they're all smashing the door. My dad would be like Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He would crash through and then his head would stick in.

Front row, please. First pew. Oh my God. Oh my God, madness. This explains so much. I know. But I love him. Your family?

No. Jesus? No. My friends in show business. But I love him. Your parents, right? Everyone in show business. But I love them. Your parents, right? Everyone in show business. Who can help me?

My guest today is a hilarious comedian. I'm a huge fan of this gentleman. I've known him a long time. He was a writer for my show way back in the day and a performer as well. Sona, you've known him. I love Dion so much. Yeah, writer, actor.

You know him from such shows as Black-ish, Angie Tribeca and Grown-ish. And he's done so well. I mean, so funny. Clearly I was holding him back. Yes. I'm so glad he ditched us. His latest comedy special, Dion Cole,

Okay, Mister is now available to stream on Netflix and it's really funny. I'm just delighted he's here. Dian Cole, welcome. Dian Cole, welcome. Dian Cole, welcome. Dian Cole, welcome. Dian Cole, welcome.

Dian Cole, welcome. I am so happy you're here. You always make me really happy. From the first day I saw you do standup years and years and years ago, and then you became a writer on our show, to always, always make me really happy. You've just got that thing. And then I watch your special, and it's hilarious.

Thank you, man. By the way, just so I get this out, the special is called Dion Cole, Okay, Mister, it's on Netflix right now. You are so fucking funny. Man, thank you, man. And it's on Netflix right now. You are so fucking funny. Man, thank you man. And it's just a joy.

And I also want you to hook me up with those leather pants you're wearing. Oh. You know who, you know I have one pair of leather pants and you know who gave it to me? Probably around the time, but no, it would have been before you when I met each other, Andy Richter.

Really? Gifted me a pair of like really nice leather pants once on my birthday and I put them on once and my wife said, you can never. Wait, why did Andy give you leather pants? I don't know, I think he just thought, I don't know, we'll see what happens. Because he wasn't wearing them anymore.

Yeah. Andy had quit his job at the club and he wasn't wearing them anymore. Of course you look amazing. But look, you know why. Why can't I wear leather pants? Andy had quit his job at the club and he wasn't wearing them anymore. Of course you look amazing. Why can't I wear leather pants? You know why a lot of black comics wear leather pants. When they do comedy specials,

it's like a homage to Eddie Murphy. Yeah, that's true. Anytime you see a comic in leather, it's to Eddie Murphy. So yeah, that's why we wear them. The show that you did with me, the tour way back in 2010, there was a part of the tour where we thought it'd be really funny if I wore an exact replica

of Eddie Murphy's suit. And I don't know which one it was. It was wrong. It was wrong. I remember that. It was this leather bodysuit. And I would come out. V suit. V suit.

And I would come out, we made an exact replica and I would come out wearing this thing. And I remember one of And it was this leather bodysuit. V suit. V suit, and I would come out, we made an exact replica, and I would come out wearing this thing. And I remember one of the things about the tour is I burned about 35,000 calories a night on the tour, and I was insane and I never slept. At the end, you can see it hang, it was skin tight when we got it. Skin tight.

And at the end, it's hanging off my ass. I look like a snake that's halfway through shedding its skin. Oh, God. But we thought it'd be really funny if I dressed like that and came out. You look like a Mystique from X-Men. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It was a mistake. Let's just put it that way. It was a mistake. How have you been?

How's life? Oh, I've been amazing, man. I can't complain. Just doing what I do and staying out of everybody way, man. And just, man, still happy, man. I'm just gonna say, there's a part in the special because your special is hilariously funny. And you start a joke and then you stop.

You go like, no, no, no, no, that could get me in trouble. I'm not gonna do that. And you say, I don't want him to cancel my Old Spice contract. I was like, oh, okay. I love your thought process. You're taking care of business. You gotta take care of business.

You cannot fuck with Old Spice. I did not wanna say the joke, man, because I was like, no, I'm gonna get cancer. So I was like, I'm not gonna tell the man. But I had it written down. I've been to an Old Spice guy in a suit that follows you everywhere. And he's just waiting, right?

And all he has to do is, he has to push one pre-program button on his phone, and you're done. All I do is look that way, and he just does this all the time. He does this, he does this. He's in the lobby right now. Is it Terry Crews?

Is he following you around? It's Terry Crews. I mean, I did not wanna say it, but it's Terry Crews. Shit! Terry wanna say it, but it's Terry Crews. Terry Crews follows me everywhere. Following you around. That's hilarious. You know, it's so funny,

cause I've also seen you, you have evolved as a comic, not that you needed to, cause you were always super funny, but I was so impressed with the way you walk out in front of an audience. There's nothing needy about you. You come out and you look at the crowd

and you say, okay, let's just get started. And then you proceed to be hilariously funny. And I'm watching you and you barely move. I mean, I'm contrasting you with someone else I know say, me! Who's everywhere trying to connect to everyone and make sure everybody's happy. And you are this matador that's just like standing there.

Yeah, man. And I think you have very funny material and great observations, but your face, And I think you have very funny material and great observations, but your face, you do so much with your face that it is so funny because you can look very fierce. You can be very, very, I don't wanna say like, alpha serious, deadly serious, and then you can switch to complete goofball for five seconds if it's necessary.

But it's really fun to watch. Absolutely, man, it's just, you know, I never really, really even noticed that until the people were saying that. They were like, you don't move. And I went, because I used to move back and forth. And then I just found this groove where I was like, if I just stand here and

Just try to control the room from this one point that maybe it'll feel different Maybe it'll connect different with people, you know, and I learned that silence is just as good as laughter And so I look for that, you know I can't say man and I just had a conversation about you, maybe about a month ago, but I was just. With the police. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Yes, officer, he's a terrible man. This is why I think it's like, do you know Conan? This is why I stole these things. Six foot four, ladies. Yes, yes, he told me the world is mine and I decided to take everything that I saw. No, no, but like a month ago I was having,

no, and even just recently we were talking, somebody was talking about Adam Sandler's new special, right? And they were just talking about, like people would talk about how they hated it. And then to me, I was like, it's classic Adam Sandler. Like, if you love Adam, you're gonna love his stuff or whatever, you know?

And I said, you know what? I said, with the stuff that was breaking in there and falling apart, instantly it was like, man, I wonder if it was out of like a homage to Conan. I just honestly did. I said, I think he's doing was out of like a homage to Conan. I just honestly did. I said, I said, I think he's doing that because he's paying homage to Conan. Cause Conan, that's Conan 101 and his special.

I just, I saw it. I honestly don't know what Conan 101 is. Conan 101. Conan is a mystery to me. Conan 101 to me is when, when writing, you write a bit and then you destroy the bit. And destroying the bit is just as funny as writing a bit. And that's what he did. You know what I mean?

He was like breaking down and I said, man, this is great if this is a homage to Conan. It has to be. Did he ever say that? No, I want my money now. Because that guy's got a lot of money. And he lives like two streets over from me. I know where he lives. He's a great guy.

He's an amazing guy. He's an amazing guy, but I just was like, man, that's so dope. And I was like, and then we just started going down this rabbit hole of your type of comedy. And then, yeah. Well, you know, one of the things that always made me, well, that's nice of you to say, I just, one of the things,

the first thing I saw you do when I didn't know who you were and you came on my show and this is a long time ago, but you came on my show when you were in Unknown and you told some, you started telling jokes and then you took out a little piece of paper and you have a pen and it's become such a staple of your thing. And it's so funny, cause on your new special, you don't do it at all and you don't need to do it,

but people love it. But I always loved that you stepped outside yourself, because you can kill doing it the conventional way. And then you had this thing where you take out a little piece of paper and you tell a joke, and you kind of look at the crowd, and then you write something. And sometimes if a joke didn't work,

you could see you take out a little piece of paper. And maybe it's very subtle. Kind of looks like you're, you know, like you're scratching it out, but maybe you're not. No, I think, I think it's, I think it's, I always thought not being funny is funny. Because it's hilarious to see people bomb, you know. Instead of I be in the back of the room cracking up.

But, and I don't want you thinking I'm just saying this because we're here, but I mean, working with you solidified the way that I thought in the get-go, which was, it ain't how you laugh, it's you laughing. You know, and I think a lot of people get caught up in how you laugh when it's like, nah, if you laugh, I won. And that's the approach that I take with everything now. It's just, you just like sent me to another realm with it

where I was like, I was thinking this, but I wasn't sure about it. But then when we rocked for years, it was like, oh yeah, this is exactly how I think and this is how I feel. And then it went on to me doing other projects that were similar to that. Like, I mean, right after I left the show, I did Angie Tribeca with Steve Carell.

And Steve Carell from the show was like, yeah, like he, like you can do this, you can pull this off or whatever. And so on your show, you learn so much that I still take with me to this day and got jobs from it, from just thinking with that mindset. Well, what's really funny is I think about you now because you, as I said, the standup special is hilarious

and you have shown how funny you are in so many different ways, and now you're doing dramatic roles, and I love that. I love that you're saying, no, I'm gonna try that. I'm gonna do that. I'm in the color purple, and you play a very badass fucker in the color purple.

I'm gonna tell you a story about that. They called me and it was like, well, long story short, they was like, yeah, they want you to be a part of this movie, the color purple. And I was like this, oh, that's great. And they was like, Steve Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, Quincy Jones, they're producing it.

And I'm like this, fantastic. And I'm thinking to myself, who would they want me to play because a guy named Harpo, Harpo's the funny guy in the movie. I'm like, I gotta be Harpo, right? And then I was like, no, we want you to be the father. And I was like, that's the father. And I was like, mister, the guy she married? They was like, no, the father.

And I was like, the father? And then the original movie, the father is a pedophile. He touches the girl. So I was like, the pedophile you want me to be? And they was like, yeah, we think you can. Yeah, the minute we saw you. The minute. The minute we saw you.

We think you can, we believe in you to pull this off. Wait, are you not actually a pedophile? Everyone thinks I am. You're a great actor. That's the problem, yes. Everyone thinks I'm a pedophile. Every time. That's the problem, yes. Everyone thinks I'm a butterfly. Every time, your whole life, no, his whole life, Dion's been walking into casting calls

and they're like, pedophile! Fantastic! Unfortunately, we're casting for Harry Potter. But when we got one for you, we're calling you, Dion. When I was a five, I was a pedophile. At five, they was like, oh, he's gonna be an amazing pedophile when he gets older. It's really hard to be a pedophile at five.

It's really hard to be a pedophile at five. Definitely impossible like this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, No, no, no, no. You haven't met me. You haven't met me. You haven't met me. So wait, so they tell you this, and you're thinking, you gotta be thinking clearly, you were thinking, I gotta do this.

At first I was like, no! And then I was like, wait a minute, and I was thinking, and I was like, man, this would be another part of some, or real, that show me different. You know, show me doing some different stuff and showing some range.

And I just was like, all right, fine, cool. And so I just started doing some things that... No, no, no. It's not like when someone is gonna... What? It's not like when someone is going to play a cop and they do a ride around. No, you don't just... Well, I guess I got it. No, no!

You don't know. Just read the words. Oh, boy. I was going to say I got to watch the old movie. Yeah. That's good. Okay, good. You're a convincingly bad guy. You did a good job. You did a good job. And I know that, I mean, to me, it's at this stage in a career, you've got to push yourself

out of your comfort zone. You got to do things. We know what you can do. And then it's just take these roles that, and especially if you've got people like Oprah and Spielberg and Quincy Jones, it's like, yeah, okay. I'm going to give this a shot. You have to, you have to, like, you have...

I feel like if you're comfortable, you're not elevating, so that means that you're content. You're content with wherever you're at, and I feel like you just have to try different things. I might be one hell of a golfer. I just, you know, I might be the best. I might be. I might be the best. I might be.

I might be the best motherfucker out there. I just gotta go golf to go see them. Great, if the first time you tried it, you were the best. In the world. In the world. It's just so amazing. I used to golf all the time and then I just, you know, but my thing is, yo, you just have to try these things, man,

and see what you can and can't do. I would never be a standup if I didn't try it. You know what I mean? It's like, you have to, especially if it's something telling you that you can do it. You know what's crazy to me is I know your story, I think pretty well.

And one thing I can identify with is you were a late bloomer in comedy. I always felt I was too in some ways. I was funny with my friends. A lot of people thought I was a pretty serious person. And I was, I was a very serious person because I knew I wanted to achieve something but I wasn't the class clown, I wasn't goofing around. And it took you a while to figure out

that comedy was something that you could do, right? Yeah, because I felt the same way. I felt like I'm not hitting myself in the face with pies, so how can that be funny? I'm not hitting myself in the face with pies. So how can I be funny? I'm not slipping on banana pills and shit. So I'm not funny. But you begin to learn that your perspective, if your perspective is different, it could be funny.

You know, and then you start looking at people like, what's my man's name? Mitch Hedberg? Mitch Hedberg, yeah. Mitch Hedberg. Mitch Hedberg, yeah. Mitch Hedberg, and you start looking at George Garland, you start looking at these people and you're going, oh, they're not hitting themselves in the face with pies. Like they're just talking and they have a perspective and it was like, ah, okay, well maybe I can do that.

And boom. You must've had friends telling you. Nobody. Oh, except for, this is what my friends used to say. Nigga, you crazy. That was it. That's all I got my whole life. That's what my friends used to say to me.

They'd say to you too. Yeah. Yeah. That's my whole life. There's only one reason I don't say that to you. What's that? It's something about one of the words. Okay.

I just think the word crazy is a little. It's tough. Yeah, it's a tough word, crazy is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But. Nobody said, nobody was like, you are hilarious. I never got that. It was just always to be like,

and one day my friend was just like, dude, you should do stand up. And he was like, man, I give you you 50 dollars, 50 dollars if you do it. And now it's just like, all right. That was it. Yeah, but it wasn't me. It wasn't me sitting back like, yeah, I'm about to do stand up.

Like, it wasn't me going, I'm gonna be the best pedophile ever. It wasn't me again. It wasn't me again, that's what I'm saying. I'm not choosing my life, Conan. No, life chooses you. Life chooses you. Life chooses you.

And that's all I'm saying. The heart wants what it wants. I'm just here for the choosing. Yeah. I'm here for the choosing. The, so I'm watching your special and I'm laughing really hard and you have so much great material about being single

and, you know and having relationships with different women. And I'm watching and I'm like- You just say it normally. I know, it just makes you so uncomfortable. Did you guys know I became an ordained Lutheran minister over the weekend? Anyway, yeah, finally.

No, but I'm watching it and I'm laughing really hard. And I always think when I'm watching someone, you know, it's natural to think this person's talking about this life and this is so funny and then I'm realizing, huh, I don't do any comedy about this, I wonder why. And I'm like, oh right, I've been married for 22 years. And I'm like, oh right, I've been married for 22 years.

I go home, we eat some broiled chicken, and then we watch some foreign television show that was made in Norway. But not French. Not French, that gets a little too heated. And then we arrange the curtain that separates us in our double bed. But it was like, but I want, but your, your comedy is so much draws on your personal life

and these experiences and it's so funny and your observations are so funny. And I'm like, I'm just living vicariously through you because, and then I'm thinking it would be really funny if I went out and I did a special about me and I talked about all that stuff and it was complete bullshit. Do you know what I mean?

I basically had, basically if I had Dion write it for me and it's me just going out there saying, here's another thing. You know? Remember we used to do that with Brian Kylie. Yeah, Brian Kylie. We used to do that. I used to do that.

We used to send him out there with something I wrote. Yeah. He would say that stuff, yeah. No, but here's the thing, though. But it's beautiful. It's beautiful. That was the beauty of our dynamic, was that these two worlds collided. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they collided, and it was just unrelentless funniness that went on. I think, what is that one video? Remember when I took you to that soul food restaurant? Yes. I love that remote. I love that remote. It's just the two of you talking.

But it's so funny. It's so funny. Like, it was pure. It's the pureness of that. You know, I came to work with some food in a cool whip bowl. And it's like, what's that? And I'm like, soul food. I was like, Conan ain't never had soul food.

I'm like, he ain't never had soul food. Shit, let's go get some soul food. And Mike Sweeney's like, yo, let's do it. Let's do it. And kaboom. You know what I mean? It's just the pureness of that. So your world and my world colliding

was always just the best. Well, I think one of the things that is, I think it's funny, cause we come obviously from completely different places, but we both find similar things really funny. Absolutely. And that's my favorite way to connect with people. To fish out a world of beauty.

And it wasn't just happening just on stage, it was just like in real life too, that was just fun. I mean, one day he came to work and there was a Bentley in his parking space. And he was like, who the fuck has a Bentley that works for me? I'm looking out the window, hey, get away from my Bentley. Hey lady! I just got, hey lady, get away from my Bentley.

I just watched that motherfucker. I remember that so well. Oh my God. I remember that so well. Looking out God. I remember that so well. Looking out the window, Andy Richter doesn't have a Bentley. He's driving a Volkswagen Fing from 1975. Wearing leather pants. Yeah, leather pants.

Just about to give him away. Man, these things stink. I know, Conan's birthday's coming up. Let's give them to Conan. I could get these cleaned or I could wrap it up in a J. Crew box and give them to Conan. He'll see stupid enough, he'll wear them. You know what's crazy to me is-

It was so funny, man. We talk about these differences, obviously, me, crazy, too white, sickly white Irish Catholic from Boston, Mass, you from South Side, Chicago. And there are differences between, I'm always amazed by this, humans will always find a way to have an attitude about someone else, even if it's,

you're on the South side of Chicago and you say there's like a chasm between the south side and the north side. And I'm wondering, what's that all about? Man, I have no idea, man. It's just Chicago is one of the most segregated cities still is to this day. The Irish is Irish on this side, the Hispanics on their side, Asians on their side. It's really bizarre when you go to Chicago right now. You go, why is it still like this?

But it really is, and it's always been that way. But with stand-up in Chicago, I just never wanted to stay on the South Side. I just always wanted to hit every area in the city to see if it worked, because I just always felt like, and I feel this way towards like barbers who do hair. I'd be like, why would you just do like black hair? Why don't you just do our hair? You're a barber.

Why would you only do white hair? Do our hair. Like, learn, because if you're a barber, be a barber, right? Yeah, have some curiosity, yeah. Do everybody's hair. And I curiosity, yeah. Everybody's hair. And I felt that way with jokes. I felt like if I'm a comic, I'm not a black comic, I'm a comic.

So go work out all these, go to all these parts of the city and do it. So it worked in my favor in a sense, but. Did you have friends that say, why are you going up to the North side? It'd be crazy, I have friends in each part. Nobody hung out with each other, but I would go up north and be with all my white friends,

and we'd do sets, and then I'd leave, and I'd go over to the Hispanic part, and I got my Hispanic comedian friends, and I'd perform them, and my Asian friends. I would just go around the city, and so I just always, you know, had a good relationship with everybody, you know? And so, and I thought that way when I wrote.

I thought like, I don't want to write this and then have to rewrite it. So let me just do it this one time and hopefully it'll work with everybody. And it could be hood enough, but smart, smart enough as well that everybody can get it. And to this day, I just try to write like that. Where it takes me two years to write a special.

When a lot of people only, it takes them one year. I only can do it every two years. Well, first of all, to be fair to you, you're busy doing a lot of other stuff. I mean, yeah. I mean, you've got, it's not your only gig. You've got, but how do you write? Do you write on stage or do you like sit down?

No, I have to live. I have to live. I have to put myself in situations I wouldn't normally be in, in order to like find something funny, you know. So when you do a bit about murdering a stranger. Yeah, I either know someone who did it. I either know someone who just murdered someone

or I thought about it. No, but I go, I go, like, I was just at NASCAR, like probably about eight months ago, I was there. And just at NASCAR, just soaking it in, like, I was in the pit masters and all that shit. And I was sitting there, I didn't know what the fuck was going on, but I just noticed the car just kept going around in circles.

And everybody had beers and shit and outfits and checkered pants. I still don't know what the checkered shit is about, but it was like, oh, it's checkered and... How did you, wait a minute, so... Well, we had a good goddamn time. But you know what, someone didn't, like, anesthetize you, knock you out, and take you to NASCAR. You chose to go there.

Who invited you to NASCAR? Yo, NASCAR. Oh, okay. That's a man? NASCAR was like, hey, you wanna come to... Louis J. NASCAR. No. Louis J. NASCAR, right. So they invited you. They invited me. Did you perform there or no? I think a lot of people's like, hey, you wanna come see me? Louis J. NASCAR. Louis J. NASCAR, all right.

So they invited you. They invited me. Did you perform there or no? I think a lot of people was like, fuck no. And I was like, hell yeah, let me go. I didn't perform nothing. I just went. I went to the writers meeting, the drivers meeting before.

I sat there with them. I went. They had like a red carpet. I'm gonna tell you how white it was there. They had this red carpet and I walked the red carpet, and no one, no one even looked at me. And I was, I was standing. It was one black lady with an iPhone

that took a picture of me. It was all these photographers with real cameras. It was just one black lady like, I love your Old Spice commercial. Click. I was like, thank you. I'm wearing Old Spice now because of you. I walk up, nobody's saying nothing to me.

But then everybody else came up, they was screaming everybody name, like that's how it was. But we had so much fun, man. After a while, we was just like having fun and joking about the shit, and people start finding out that I was a comedian. They were finding out that I was a comedian. They was like, hey, what you do?

And I was like, oh, jokes. Oh, I like jokes, come on. And we hung out and they grilled, and shit, we just fucking kicked it, man. And I was like, man, I like this, and I left with a hot five minutes on NASCAR. You know what's really fun? I went to all the black clubs.

Anybody go NASCAR? Nothing. Silence. Crickets. Silence. Yeah. Silence. This is the problem is, if you go too far

into exploring other worlds, you're like, so I'm in Bermuda and I'm buying Madras shorts. You guys with me? Hey, where's everyone going? You still gotta take, you know, you don't wanna go too far. You gotta reach a room, man, and that's the problem. But I still have the material,

and I'm gonna use it one day. No, but I have to, man. I have to do that. That's how I write, man. I have to do things I don't normally wanna do, or listen. I like to listen a lot. A lot of people might think I talk a lot.

I go in a room full of people. I'm quiet. I don't just listen to everybody's story and everything, and just trying to find funny in it, you know? And that's just it, you know? Conan's like that, too, Conan. I remember, what happened that time? I think I, somehow I went to the hospital.

He was like, let's film it. It was... Sure. Sure. You know, some people would wait to see how serious is it. But I'm like, well, before we do that, let's make sure we get it on, let's make sure we monetize whatever's happening to Dion. Right? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, I remember, they kicked me out the lot and I had nowhere to park at and shit.

I remember that. Yeah, you remember that? Shona, say what happened. I don't, I didn't even know this could happen, but every time you park illegally on the lot, they give you a warning. And everyone, I think everyone at some point got a warning, but Dion got so many warnings

that they didn't let him park on the lot anymore. They like revoked his parking privileges. So you had to park, I think down the street. Down the street and walk into the lot. You're parking a Bentley at a meter. Wait, you really had a Bentley? Yes! It was beautiful!

It was gorgeous! It's the only Bentley I've ever seen. It was white, it was convertible. I've never, yeah, it was beautiful. I've never ridden, I've never in my whole life ridden in a Bentley and I asked Teon and he said no. No. No. He said, I want your leather pants, stink it up. Like Bentley. I used to park in this,

it was a parking space on Warner Brothers and the parking space say Bruce Willis. Yeah. And I parked there, I parked there every day. Cause I'm like, I ain't no motherfucking Bruce Willis parking in here. And it barely seems like it could be him.

I parked there for like seven months. Nobody said nothing. Right in front, right there in front. I was like, nothing. No, because I used to- One day they tripped out and was like, you can't park in Bruce Willis. Bruce Willis ain't parking here.

It was so- I don't know, one day he does and he pulls up It's just... Bruce Willis ain't parking here. So the one day he does and he pulls up in a white Bentley. And they beat him. So you were here already. She got kicked off the lot. Yeah, and then we did this bit where you let me park on the stage. And we had to rent a car. And I pulled on the stage and the car stayed there the whole show.

And then at the end I got my car. In the end we left. Backed out. You know what's fun is I remember you started doing stuff on our show and then you started getting friendly with celebrities and it was just fun. And you'd be telling me about how you were hanging out

with some incredibly cool person and I'd be like, they've never reached out to me. And I don't blame them, they shouldn't. But it's really fun when you talk in your comedy, sometimes you'll talk about some of the people you hang out with and it's really fun. Because again, I'm living vicariously through you. You're having all these crazy adventures.

You're out there meeting these different women. You're out there going to these parties. Yes, but- I love how I say parties. I know. These parties! Where people apparently congregate and to have liquor!

And libations. I feel like you're going to sentence a witch to death. I'm sorry! There'll be no parties on my time. No, but the people I used to meet with you was like, I remember I didn't know all these great people No, but the people I used to meet with you was like, I remember I didn't know all these great people I met with him and shit.

Like, I remember one day there I was like, I was telling my guy, and they was like, I was like, yeah, I was like, we was on tour. How was the show? I was like, yeah, it was cool. It was my fucking name, Neil Diamond showed up, and he was, you know, he was cool. He was cool, Neil was cool as shit.

Like, not even knowing the magnitude of Neil Diamond, just like, Eddie Vedder, that nigga, that nigga Eddie Vedder, all right, man. We was, it was like Eddie Vedder, yo. Eddie Vedder came and you had no idea. Who is that? This is Eddie Vedder, and you're like, oh, well, is this your accountant?

Yes, it's my accountant, Eddie Vedder. Oh, we was kicking it, like, oh, well, is this your accountant? Yes, it's my accountant, Eddie Vedder. Oh, we was kicking it, like kicking it. We like, they wasn't on their name shit. Right, right. They was just cool motherfuckers who were not even knowing the magnitude of who they was until later, you know what I mean? Then going, oh, shit.

Yo, that's that motherfucker I was eating cake with. Like... Oh, shit. Yo, that's that motherfucker I was eating cake with. Like, that Neil Diamond, he was eating cake. I swear, we ate cake on the same plate. Like straight up. I don't think you're thinking of Neil Diamond. I think it's Neil Young. Neil Young, Neil Young. Neil Young.

Oh my God, even better. I fucked the name up. Neil Young. You don't know it! It was Neil! Neil something! It was Neil Armstrong! So Neil Sadaka's is Conan's main hang.

What?! Neil Sadaka! It was Neil Young, cause I kept thinking, wait a minute, Neil Diamond was hanging out on our tour and I didn't get to meet him? Sweet Caroline. La la la. That was Neil Young.

Neil Young. That's who I came with. Neil Young, yeah. And everybody, I feel like everyone bonded with you too. You met everybody and everyone ended up with everyone's phone numbers. Everybody loved you and then later on you'd be at these parties

and you'd be sending me crazy pictures of you with like the biggest stars in the world. I'd be like, well, did you mention me to Beyonce? No, asshole, I didn't. Did you just drop my name? Did you tell Beyonce I said hi. She probably loves my stuff from the early 90s. We really broke the fourth wall. Didn't happen so much.

We really broke the fourth wall. Like that's cool, right? Right. The sketch was one idea, but then it became another idea. It was sort of meta. That's what's gonna win her over, too. Oh, he did? Yeah, he did.

Okay. The fourth wall? Oh, shit. Give me his number. Wait, wait, wait. Fourth wall breaker. Fourth wall breaker. Never saw Jay-Z break the fourth wall. Fourth wall breaker. Fourth wall breaker. Never saw Jay-Z break the fourth wall

with some meta comedy. Then Jay-Z's really jealous of me. What's that shit you're doing with comedy? Your whole monologue is breaking the fourth wall. I know, I know, I know. I know. And every talk show host for 50 years

has just been breaking that wall. Yeah, exactly. Nope, just me, just me. It's driving Jay-Z crazy at night. Tossing and turning. He tries to relax in his plane made of diamonds. They can't even take off because it's made of diamonds. They can't even take off, because it's made of diamonds. God damn that Conan!

This weird fourth wall breaking comedy! Oh man, that's hilarious. Now how do you like now, because you're doing this show, average show, it's on BET, and now you're the guy. You're the first name on the call sheet. So that's great, that's what everybody wants, but there's shit that comes with that, right?

Yeah, man. When we was first doing it, it's on Netflix now, Average Joe's on Netflix. When the average jokes on Netflix. When we first started doing it, it was the first time I was number one on the call sheet. So I went down to shoot, still doing standup, still doing whatever I do and still thinking I could. And I was so miserable because nobody told me

that I couldn't do that no more. I'm walking around with four one-hour scripts every day, the two, because we were doing like two episodes every two weeks, so I'll be doing the two episodes that I'm shooting, and then I have to study for the two that's coming up. So it's like four one-hour scripts that I had to study all the time.

It was so brutal, and it was like, oh God, they didn't nobody tell me. I can't do stand-up no more. I can't do all the time. It was so brutal. And it was like, oh God, they didn't know why. Tell me I can't do stand up no more. I can't do nothing no more. And I was like still trying to do it and it wasn't working. And I just was like, you just have to like submit and be like, all right, fine, forget it. Cause don't know why I teach you how to be

the first on the call sheet. You just jump into it, you know? And so, and yeah, a lot comes with that. So I learned to just let everything go, knowing when I'm shooting, it's about that, that only, and can't do nothing else with it. It's funny to me because I noticed it on your special, I noticed it when you walk in here,

you, I mean, how many years have we known each other now? Has it been 15 years maybe? Yeah, I think it's been 2009 you were on the show. 2009. 2009, anyway, you look, you don't look, you don't look any different to me. You really don't. And you really don't.

And it's funny, because you talk in the special a lot about aging and you're really funny about it. And you talk about it in this very honest way, but it's hilarious. And after I watched the special, I thought, aging's really on Dion's mind. And then I thought, you look like a young man, you know? And then I thought, if you're thinking that much about aging,

I really need to be thinking about aging. And I'm not thinking that much about it. It's like, shit. Dion, you know. You, man, I have, because I've been thinking more about, like, you know, like, just legacy type stuff where you just like, man, I'm getting older, what am I gonna, am I gonna keep doing this?

Am I gonna keep eating chicken fingers in the back of the club at night? Am I still gonna ride home with four comics in the car? Like, am I, everybody's pitching ideas. Like, am I gonna keep doing, like like what am I gonna do, you know? And so every year it's just, it's this process that I go through in my mind and try to figure out where I'm at, you know,

and I have to go, I'm getting older, I can't wear turquoise no more, you know? I don't think that's true. Haven't you seen the Goldie Girls? Yeah. I can't wear bright colors no more, brother. That's not true, I don't think that's true. Haven't you seen the gold needles? I can't wear bright colors no more. That's not true. I don't think that's true.

I don't like OV going bright colors. Okay, well that's different. That's different. Hot pinks, Miami vice shirt. No, I'm done with them days. There's one thing. I said I didn't want to give anything away, but I can't help it.

This part where you're talking about how your body's changed. He talked about it. He said you had an orgasm and only wind came out. And I thought, shit, this is like, okay, I don't think that's true, but it's really such a funny image. It's such a funny image. It's really kind of close. Yeah, you were like, yeah, I think it's those vitamins I'm taking.

Oh my God, I was like crying when you said that. And I'm like, again, I'm just saying, watch the special because that's just, there's so many little nuggets in there, but that image, I'm gonna tease people with that image. You should put a little reed down there so it whistles. Yeah, makes a little sound. Maybe if you can sustain the orgasm

and with a little manipulation, a little do-do-do-do-do! Like you're playing a song. Do-do-do-do-do-do! Can you get some notes out of it? No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. That's crazy. No. No. No. No. No. Oh my god. Oh my God. That's crazy. Oh my God. My cheeks hurt.

That's funny that you got that, as people would say to you, you're crazy, and that's what I would get too, and then this is what we do, you know? It's fun, it's fun. I think there might be, I always go back to my dad who did say, I think there's something wrong with you, but it seems to be making money.

So, and he's like a doctor who would, and he didn't say it to be funny. He was like, yeah, no, I think there's something wrong with you, but keep going, cause it's taking care of some shit. So, yeah. I think we're the only occupation where insults are actually compliments. Yeah.

And we're like, you crazy motherfucker. He's like, thanks a lot. I'm like, appreciate that. I really appreciate that. You piece of shit. Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. You're a pedophile.

Oh, yeah. Hey, you bought me in the role. Thank you. You must think I'm a fantastic actor. Pedophile, thank you. Glad you saw it. I've never seen the movie, sir. Glad you saw it.

Oh, oh. Oh. That's it. You pedophile. Well, you know what? God damn it. I love, love hanging with you. Always have.

It was such a lucky day, the day our paths crossed. And I just keep watching you killing it left and right. And I'm so happy for you. I really am. Nothing but joy, some envy, some anger. Because I, and I swear to God, someday we should, you should take me somewhere and we should, where I don't belong.

Where you do belong and where I don't belong and we should film it. Dude, we should definitely do that. Because you have to see me at a club. So fun. We gotta go someplace. We gotta go somewhere. Where I don't belong.

And then just see what happens. I think we'd have a lot of fun. I'm with it man. Let's do it, definitely man. I appreciate you man. And I tell you man, I'm telling you, I learned so much from you and I thank you man. This is gonna sound really weird, but you gotta watch thank you, man. This is gonna sound really weird,

but you gotta watch who around you, man. You give a lot of people a lot of stuff and they run off with it and they go become over famous. But I don't think you can, how can I say, you can't help but give what you give. How can I say, you can't help but give what you give. You know, because you- I'm happy for- You happy, because the way I'm thinking about it,

you can't help but give what you give. And what you giving, I think people should give you way more credit for. And there's a lot of yous out there, man. And I see it all the time, but this is such a thankless business we in. But I wanna let you know, anytime I see that shit, I expose it. And I let them know. all the time, but this is such a thankless business we're in, but I want to let you know anytime I see that shit,

I expose it and I let them know. Oh. You. No, I do. I be like this, I be like, man, that's Conan. I be like, yeah, Conan do that, right? I be like, yeah, Conan do that, right? And they be like, yeah, yeah.

I be like, yeah, yeah. Do you ever shout him out about that shit? Like, shout him out, shout him out. Like, yo, but what you. But no, I honestly think that, you know, I think about all the people I grew up watching and how much of them. Them rising you.

They're in my DNA, they're in my bones. And I just think we all do that. So there's no going around trying to, and I just think we all do that. So there's no going around trying to, I'm just happy, I'm so happy when people that I think have a real gift like yourself, people who I really love and care about, go out there and do their thing in an uncompromising way

and kill it, I'm just happy. That just makes me happy. And you made a great point. I just want people to know that you are the reason why they are the way they are. And I just, I'm big on that. I just, I'm big on like giving back and just acknowledging. Like I'm big on that.

Because that's how people live. Like you live through me, like you live through other people, but I acknowledge it, you know what I mean? And I want everybody to just acknowledge you, man. And that's it, because you've changed the game on several occasions and you still are. And you know what you're doing, brother. We're getting out there, because I don't know what to say.

You're so uncomfortable. No, it's double real. You know what, never, never. Am I telling the truth, though, for real? You are, you're doing, brother. Right, we're getting out there, because I don't know what to say. No, for real, you are, brother. You're so uncomfortable. No, it double real. You know what, never, you know what, never. Am I telling the truth, though, for real? You are, you know, you are. I'm like, for real. We're all nodding our head, because we. Well, you know what never caught on?

The hair. I would love it if no matter what community you went into, what ethnicity, they all had. The kooky hair. I don't care, like, I just saw this Jamaican comic last night. Big red ice cream pompadour on his head. He's doing the string dance. That shit never caught on. And I'm pissed.

All right, I love you. I want to see you again soon. And we're going to a club. Let's do it. I'm with it. All right, I love you, I wanna see you again soon. I love you, man. And we're going to a club. Let's do it, I'm with it.

["I'm With It"] Okay guys, I got something. You got something there? The other day my wife was messing around with chat GBT. Actually, the way that's, she's having an affair with chat GBT. Yeah. I saw your wife and Chad GBT at a restaurant

and they were very cozy. I know. Yeah. I know. They were canoodling. I got a lot of texts. Yeah. But it made me think, let's see what AI thinks we are, the three of us.

Oh. That's a good idea. I said, I want you to do a little scripted segment like we normally do for the intro or the segment of a show. Sure. And so we're gonna read those now as ourselves. That's a good idea. I said, I want you to do a little scripted segment like we normally do for the intro or the segment of a show. Sure. And so we're gonna read those now as ourselves.

Oh, okay. Oh, how fun. Let's do it. All right. And you know what? I'm betting this is a, because chat GBT has become very sophisticated. Here's what it says to be a- This may be a viable way to do the show from now on

if it's close enough to reality. Okay. AI says, here's a playful podcast segment featuring banter between Conan O'Brien, Sonam O'Sessian, and Matt Gourley, capturing their dynamic from Conan O'Brien needs of friends. This is so far fantastic. Yeah. Upbeat music fades out.

Mm-hmm. Action. All right, we're back. I'm here with my assistant, Sonam O'Sessian, who, let's face it, barely qualifies as an assistant at this point. Jesus! That's good.

Oh, we're starting like this today? Okay, great. Ha ha ha ha. Says point. Jesus, that's good. Oh, we're starting like this today? Okay, great. It says laughs. It says laughs, yeah. And we've got Matt Gorley, who I'm not sure what you do exactly, Matt, but you're here and that's enough for me. That's really all anyone can ask of me, Conan.

I'm like a houseplant, low maintenance, but occasionally you wonder why I'm still here. Right, a houseplant that somehow manages to insult me every episode. It's a delicate art, like bonsai. Wait, hold on. Conan, are you complaining about someone insulting you? You? Mr. I Never Go More Than Ten Seconds

Without Roasting Someone? Well, Sona, it's different when I do it. I'm a master of the form. It's like Michelangelo chiseling David. When Matt does it, it's more like dot, dot, dot, someone trying to fix a broken lawnmower with a fork. Wow, I can actually picture that. Just jam the fork into the carburetor

and hope for the best. Ha, ha, ha, ha. This metaphor has already gone off the rails, but now I'm invested in Matt's lawnmower repair business. Matt, would you wear coveralls with your name embroidered on them? Oh, absolutely. And they'd be oddly clean for someone who fixes lawnmowers. Matt, would you wear coveralls with your name embroidered on them? Oh, absolutely. And they'd be oddly clean for someone who fixes lawnmowers.

Okay, okay. We need to focus. When did I become the angry dad in a sitcom? I think because you say that often before you introduce the guests. Okay, we need to focus. Can we talk about something that matters? Like how I think I would make a phenomenal Disney prince?

What? No. This is the kind of fantasy we're really diving that matters, like how I think I would make a phenomenal Disney prince? What? No. This is the kind of fantasy we're really diving into today, huh? Yes, I've thought about it. Imagine me in a forest, maybe singing, birds landing on my shoulders.

The birds would immediately fly away. And probably sue you for emotional distress. This is why I can't have a real conversation with you two. I'm just trying to picture myself in a soft velvet tunic crooning to a doe-eyed woodland creature and you're ruining it. Listen, if a woodland creature saw you coming, it would just pretend to be a rock until you left.

That's pretty good. You know what? Forget it. I'm gonna write my own animated film where I'm the prince and you two are cursed objects that follow me around but can't speak. Great, I'd love to play an old broken lawnmower. It seems fitting. Ha ha ha ha.

I'll be a fork. Perfect. Now that's a movie. End. You know what I'm going to say? This is usable. It's not too far off. No.

I mean, they got our dynamic right, which is that I am clearly chat GPT knows that I'm an egomaniac. Yeah. Yeah. I need to be in control. I have crazy flights of fancy. that I am clearly, chat GPT knows that I'm an egomaniac. Yeah. Yeah. I need to be in control. I have crazy flights of fancy and that you two are kind of quizzical

about my lyrical and verbal misadventures. Right. The great thing about this is that you can go back and do revisions using tweaks. And I made a tweak, something that you and I have long been wanting on this show. Yeah. So, here's-

Now I hear what it is and just we guess what it is later. Yeah. Okay. Upbeat music fades out. All right, we're back. And today I'm gonna do something a little different. No jokes, no roasts. Roasts.

Just straight up sincerity. Hold on, is this a trap? Yeah, Conan being nice, I'm suspicious. I assure you, it's not a trap. I just wanna take a moment to say how truly amazing you both Conan being nice, I'm suspicious. I assure you, it's not a trap. I just want to take a moment to say how truly amazing you both are. Wow, this is unexpected. Did you hit your head on something?

No, no head injuries, just a genuine appreciation. Sona, you are the most indispensable part of this show. Your wit, your timing, and even your ability to keep me in check, it's all invaluable. Oh, okay, now I'm really suspicious. Are you planning to fire us and need to soften the blow? You don't talk that way. No, no, I mean it.

You're the glue that holds everything together. The fact that you handle all the chaos with such grace and humor is nothing short of remarkable. Oh, I'm feeling pretty good about this, but I'll wait for the other shoe to drop. And Matt, let me tell you, your creativity and humor are beyond impressive. You bring such a unique energy to this show.

Your ability to turn a simple conversation into something special is a rare talent. Thanks, Conan. I don't think I've ever heard you speak like this before. I'm almost waiting for a punchline. There's no punchline. I promise. You're both incredible at what you do. Matt, your insights and quick wit

elevate every conversation. And Sona, your ability to keep everything grounded and running smoothly is unmatched. And Sona, your ability to keep everything grounded and running smoothly is unmatched. And let's not forget, while we do have our moments of roasting each other, it's all part of what makes this show work. Your contributions are crucial to our success.

I guess this is a nice change of pace. I'm almost feeling warm and fuzzy inside. Me too, almost makes me want to give you a hug, Conan. Ha ha ha ha! Easy there. No hugging required. I just wanted to make sure you both know how much I appreciate you. This is a team effort, and I couldn't do it without you.

Now let's get back to doing what we do best, having fun and making people laugh. And who knows, maybe next time I'll try to be nice again. We'll hold you to that. Absolutely, and if not, we'll just keep roasting you until be nice again. We'll hold you to that. Absolutely, and if not, we'll just keep roasting you until you come around. Ha ha ha ha ha, deal. Now let's get back to the show.

Yay! That was a good edit, Matt. Yeah. Thank you. That was the best. That was awful. Did it hurt you to say that stuff? Oh no, no, not at all. You know I love you both, but it is funny.

It's because ChatG GPT does pick up on the intent and the rhythm and then, but it's that thing I've always said, it's an alien who's seen pictures of hamburgers only and then made a hamburger and you bite into it and you're like, there's something very wrong here. And the alien would say, no, it is hamburger. Just as I have seen it in over 10 billion images.

I'm like, I know, it just doesn't, quiet human! It is hamburger! Wait, why are you using Elizabethan language if you're an alien? Elizabethan alien! Anyway. We got one more with just a final tweak. Nothing too important.

Okay. I'm actually really enjoying these a lot. I think they're really fun. Upbeat music fades out and action. All right, welcome back to the show. Today we're diving into two of the most iconic franchises in cinema history, James Bond and Star Wars. Okay.

Oh, fuck you. I've got Sonam Avsesi and Matt Corley here and we're about to geek out over some classic favorites. Oh, I'm so ready for this. I mean, who doesn't love James Bond and Star Wars? They're practically the definition of cool. I've been a Bond fan since I was a kid. There's something so thrilling

about those high stakes missions and the gadgets. And don't get me started on Star Wars. It's a galaxy far, far away. And that's just endlessly fascinating. By the way, that sound you hear is chatty PT shooting itself. I can't take it. This is bullshit. Right. I think the cool factor is the big draw for both.

Bond's suave style and Star Wars' epic space adventures, it's like the ultimate mix of sophistication and imagination. Absolutely. I've always admired how Bond manages to look so effortlessly classy while driving an Aston Martin off a cliff. And then, of course, Star Wars gives us the Millennium Falcon and lightsaber duels. It's a great balance. Speaking of gadgets, remember when Bond had that watch

with a laser in it? I wanted one so badly. And then you've got Star Wars with droids like R2-D2 and BB-8. Those are gadgets I'd really love to have. Yeah, the idea of having a droid do your bidding sounds amazing. Imagine having R2-D2 just follow you around,

handling all the annoying tasks. Just imagine a crossover. James Bond in space fighting off the Empire with Martini in hand. He'd definitely have some clever gadgets to disable the Death Star's laser while wearing a perfectly tailored suit. No need to thank me, just saving the galaxy in style.

Oh my God, does this keep going? But while we're at it, let's have a scene where Bond teams up with Han Solo. They could have a high-speed chase through an asteroid field with Bond's gadgets and Han's piloting skills. I'm already sold. Oh my God, there's a full page left. I'm already sold.

Bond and Han Solo, the ultimate dynamic duo. And don't forget Chewbacca and Q could make a great team too. Chewie, this is Q. I've got some gadgets that will make your Wookie roar. And what about adding a little Star Wars flair to Bon's arsenal? Sona, why are you still trying? A lightsaber watch perhaps. Or a droid that's also a master of disguise. Ha, ha, ha. This crossover is getting better by the minute.

I'm just imagining the new catchphrase, Bon, Star Wars Bon. Perfect. It's got everything. Action, adventure, and a touch of intergalactic sophistication. And the best part is we get to imagine all these epic scenarios while watching our favorite movies. It's like the ultimate fan fantasy. Absolutely. Whether it's Bond's world of espionage

or Star Wars epic space battles, we're lucky to have such amazing universes to dive into. Here's to many more years of thrilling adventure. Cheers. A crossover. A James Bond Star Wars crossover. I didn't ask it for that. Did you put into chat, GPT, go way too long?

I edited this down, believe it or not. You edited this down? I did, yeah. I didn't change any wording, but I edited it down, believe it or not. You edited this down? I did, yeah. I didn't change any wording, but I edited it down. Oh my God, that was awful. Oh my God. I think I just asked what if Sona and Matt and Conan discussed James Bond in Star Wars

as if they all liked it? I have a question. AI is gonna get very good at simulating our voices soon? It already has. Yeah, it's already good. It's done. Okay, so what are we doing here? Well, this is the content you're gonna get. We're going to be hearing our voices soon? Already. It's already good. It's done. Okay. So what are we doing here?

Well, this is the content you're going to get. You're okay with that? No, not that. But I mean, the first, no, the content isn't there yet, but what are we, a year away? When are we all being replaced? I'm sorry, when are you all being replaced? As soon as you're ready.

Get all the money. Do we get the check? Wait, we don't even get the paycheck? No, you get nothing. But it's our weakness. Well, I don't know. You gotta cough up. No, didn't Scarlett O'Hara? Scarlett O'Hara.

Where's he going? Jesus, where is that going? Scarlett O'Hara, huh? Where's that headed? Where did that go? Didn't Scarlett Johansson win a lawsuit? Johansson? Johansson.

I've been up all night. My daughter had me up all night. Didn't Scarlett? Johansson win a lawsuit? Johansson? Johansson. Johansson. I've been up all night, my daughter had me up all night. Didn't Scarlett. Johansson! Are you okay? Oh my God. This is the part ChatGPT can't recreate. He's broken.

Human breaks. Humans break. ChatGPT doesn't understand. Yeah, I turned a computer on at five in the morning. It doesn't give a shit. It just does its job. Didn't she win some court battle where they couldn't use her voice in AI or something?

It's just her voice, but they said yes to everything else. Really? Yeah. Us? No, I'm lying. Oh, I'm so sorry. What court would say it's okay, you can't use Scarlett Johansson, but you can use everyone else?

Yeah, no, that would actually be my dream, is I just do nothing, and then you have to send me a check dream achieved Mission accomplished banner For decades Way I could give very little and still make money. Oh boy, maybe tomorrow money. Oh boy, maybe tomorrow. All right, everybody. There you go. That's a sad look at the future. A sad, chilling look at the future. Our overlords.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Avsesian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, Jeff Ross, and Nick Leal. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.

Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Brit Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode.

You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at siriusxm.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.